Mr. Hiruzen Sarutobi
Danzo Himura woke up in a poorly lit room with damp walls and a bad headache. He groggily shook the cobwebs out of his vision and managed to un-blur his view. He looked around and the shadows in this room were long and unending, yet, somehow, he could sense something hidden in them. Something eery and dangerous.
All was silent. Far too silent for Danzo's liking. He looked around a bit more and noticed something unnerving. This was his office! He tried to move out of his seat and found himself tied down to the chair by his arms. No bother, a simple application of wind chakra and he would be out of here. Except, when he tried to summon said chakra nothing came. Once again, he tried to mould his chakra into wind blades, as he had done thousands of times before. Something this simple came as naturally as breathing to him. Yet again, nothing.
"Who's out there?" Danzo bit out.
He may have been nervous but he was never going to give that away to his enemy. Whoever this was had to be incredibly skilled to get past the multitude of traps and failsafe's he had in place to prevent such a thing from happening. Looking around he saw nothing, for someone as experienced as he was, he knew that this amounted to little. Ninja were masters of deception and disguise. Hiding in shadows was child's play to them.
All of a sudden, a voice called out to him.
"How are you doing old man?"
Danzo chose not to answer the clear taunt. Trying to figure out who this was based on voice alone. He had a sneaking suspicion but surely not. Sarutobi wouldn't be so brave, he had never shown this kind of backbone before, why now?
"I must be losing my hearing, because I swear I just asked you a question? Silence is not an option."
"I'm doing just fine. Mind revealing yourself?"
Out of the shadows lurked a spiky haired man. Emerging out of the darkness came a swirling red orb staring directly at him. One that promised death at the first wrong move.
"Do you know who we are?"
"We?"
Another shadow emerged, this one with a bowl cut and a blinding sparkle from his teeth.
"Yes. We."
Danzo knew he was fucked. For Sarutobi to pair these two together meant no escape. Here he was, trapped in a chair, with no access to his chakra in front of two of Konoha's premiere killers. Kakashi Hatake, the prodigy of the Hatake clan. Copy-nin Hatake. To the other side of him was Might Guy. Konoha's very own green beast. The man who through sheer taijutsu mastery made himself one of the strongest ninja employed by Konoha right now.
"I'm getting an idea of who you are."
"We're associates of your leader Hiruzen Sarutobi, you remember who your leader is don't you?"
It was a rhetorical question, and he would answer it as such.
"So Danzo-san you remember who your leader is? Right?"
"I remember him."
"Good for you, looks like me and Might-san here caught you slacking. It's quite early though and I didn't manage to catch breakfast. I did however manage to steal one of these ration bars off of one of your dead agents outside the door there. These are good ass rations, wouldn't you agree Might-san."
"I can only agree my bruzza, these are in fact, fantastic ration bars."
"Ration bars, the cornerstone of any strong and versatile military. Now tell me Mr. Shimura, where did you get these Ration bars?"
"We made them ourselves."
"Do you hear that Might-san? They make them themselves. After all of this is over we'll have to get the secret furmoili don't you agree?"
"Of course, Kakashi-bruzza-san, these tasty and nutritious rations are truly a breakthrough in warfare."
"You know what they call a ration bar with cheese Might-san?"
"No, bruzza, what do they call them?"
"Royale with cheese."
"Now Danzo-san. I'm sure you know why we are here, don't you?"
"I have no ide-"
The room suddenly became heavier, chakra started to dance around the room in electric bursts.
"It is not good to lie Danzo-san. Mr. Sarutobi wasn't in a particularly good mood this moring, and you know what that means?"
"What does that mean Hatake-san"
Kakashi's eyes turned into little smiles.
"It means we're not in a good mood, Danzo-san. So please, for your own sake. Refrain from lying. Okay?"
Danzo said nothing, he only nodded.
"Now , we can do this the hard way or the harder way. Where are the files?"
"What files?"
Gai's eyes widened. "Oh dear."
Danzo blinked.
Pain.
"Aaarghhh!"
Kakashi had moved so fast he couldn't see it, all Danzo knew is that his arm now had a hole in it and one of his sharingan eyes were completely obliterated. '9 left'
"Now I know what you're thinking Danzo-san, I have 9 more eyes, I need not worry, they'll never find the one hidden behind my bandage right?"
How did they know?!
"Well you see Danzo-san, the thing is, we always knew. let you get away with what you wanted but then you made a mistake. You decided to take too much. Your greed is what got you in this situation Danzo-san. When you put that hit on his head, was the day you signed your own death warrant. Might-san, if you will."
Guy walked into the light to show something terrifying to Danzo. Ten perfectly preserved sharingan eyes, all being preserved perfectly in a jar.
"You thought you had the upper hand here right Danzo-san? Izanagi was it? The ability to cheat death at the cost of blindness. Well unfortunately for you . Mr. Sarutobi is quite simply, built different. It seems that somehow you forget about that. Please remind me Danzo-san. What does Hiruzen Sarutobi look like?"
"What?"
"I said What does Hiruzen Sarutobi look like Mr. Shimura?"
"What?"
"You're from the elemental nations right?"
"Yes."
"From Konoha right?"
"Yes."
"They speak Japanese in Konoha right?"
"What?"
"Japanese mother fucker do you speak it?"
"Yes."
Danzo was getting visibly nervous. Kakashi never acted like this an Hiruzen didn't have the balls to pull a stunt like this. Right?
"Then you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yes."
"Now descrie what Hiruzen Sarutobi looks like."
"What?"
Kakashi powered up his Chidori and walked right beside Danzo, put his Chidori in his face and stares him straight in the eyes.
"Say 'what' again! C'mon say 'what' again! I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say 'what' again one more goddamn time!"
Danzo is sweating, Kakashi is visibly losing it and his life is genuinely in danger here. More so than it has been for the past 30 years.
"Well, he's old."
"Go on."
"He wears the Hokage suit and hat."
"Does he look like a bitch?!"
"What?"
Kakashi looked at Gai and smiled. He looked back at Danzo and simply put his hand through his shoulder. Danzo's screams echoed through his office. The electrical chakra courses through his body causing it to spasm in the chair.
"Does he look like a bitch?"
"No." Danzo maons pitifully
"Then why did you to fuck him like a bitch."
"I didn't."
Kakashi goes close to Danzo's ears and in a hushed tone whispers.
"Yeah you did Danzo. You tried to fuck him, unfortunately for you. I work for the Hokage and not you. Today you crossed the wrong man Danzo. Now please the files."
"2nd drawer on the right passcode 0000"
"Thank you for your cooperation, for your help I will be leaving you alone from now on. Time to report back to Sarutobi-sama. Oh and ?"
"Yes?"
"Try not to scream too loud for the last few moments of your life."
"You said you were leaving."
"Yes. I am."
Danzo looks to the right-hand side of the room to see an absolutely furious Might Gai glowing in the power of the heavenly gates.
"Oh fuck."
"Yeah, Oh fuck."
Danzo's dying wails fell on deaf ears. His whole base had long been ransacked and destroyed. Not for the first time in his career had Hiruzen Sarutobi ordered a scorched earth approach. The corpses of Danzo's secretive group littered the ground of the hidden base.
Gai walked out moments after Kakashi had left.
"Well , I dare say that went well my bruzzah."
"I do concur that went incredibly well my bruzzah."
Yeah so this is what it is. Finally got motivated to write again. This is going to be one-shots of me taking famous movie scenes and comically inserting them into the Naruto-verse. Expect silly scenes.
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Oh btw, fuck you.
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