Chapter 1: Escaped Pioneer
"What's wrong with parents these days!?"
One last bottle flew into the window shield, smashing into tiny pieces. Right before four or five shit-stained kids ran away. Julian and his friend emerged from behind the car doors wiping off the shards from their foreheads. Least he didn't spill his drink. It was a cold night in Sunnyvale, almost damn near midnight. Everyone had taken the quiet evening as a sign that things might have settled down in Sunnyvale. And maybe it was. Julian leaned on the hand rails of his front porch sipping his rum and coke looking out into the streets. Bubbles was sitting on the stairs twiddling his thumbs. Trevor and Corey were inside playing video games.
"For fuck's sakes. Where's Ricky? He's s'pposed to meet us here an hour ago-w."
"I don' know Bubs… "
"There he is!" Bub pointed.
A larger greasier stupider man ran walked down the road towards his trailer holding a grocery bag munching on a large stick of pepperoni with two boxes of smokes. Bubs shook his head, his bottom lip curled more than ever.
"Ricky where the fuck you've been? You're s'pposed to be here an hour ago-w!"
Dropping and crushing a cigarette butt under his shoe Ricky held in his smoke before slowing breathing it out," Boys, I think we have a serious problem."
Oh great, Julian grimaced.
"Remember that empty trailer at the end of the street that we thought would never sell because it was the fuckin' biggest pile o' shit an' trash ever made on this dumb island we call earth?"
"Yea."
"Yea."
"Yea well, there's somebody living there now."
Bubs and Julian simultaneously growled," Fuck."
They had buried dope there underneath the trailer a week ago. Stashed in bags Ricky had taken from the Mr. Lahey's car filled with 'gym' supplies and bumblebee costumes and wigs and shit. Ricky had promised it was 100% guaranteed that no one would ever come close to that trailer. That it wouldn't happen in a million years. Now they could be fucked.
"But here's the thing boys. There's an escape pioneer living in there. I saw the shit bag walk in the door in full uniform and everythan'…"
Bubbles tilted his head, "Wha' the fuck do you mean there's an escaped pioneer living here in the park?"
Julian shook his damn head," You mean prisoner…?"
Ricky furrowed his eyebrows," That's what the fuck I said! But we can go there right now and," he reached behind him and cocked his gun, "take care of fuckin' business before he finds the dope. Come on boys!"
"Corey! Trevor!" Julian shouted then whistled. Their heads poking out the door. "Stay! Staaay!"
They couldn't go back to jail. Julian took a strong sip from his glass cocking his gun. All three of them piled into the trailer-trash-mobile and roared the engine to life until they were right in front of trailer 99 screeching to a screaming halt. Julian was the first to notice that the trash pile of shit plastic and metal that was trailer 99 was actually decent looking. Renovated, repainted, with a new screen door, garden gnomes, and everything. What was completely obvious was the blue car that was parked in the front. A nice one too. Ricky fell out of the car dropping his gun and pepperoni. Bubbles reluctantly there to help.
"A'roight mawtherfucker—get ready to get fucked!" Ricky huffed towards the door. Julian stretched his arm out in front of him.
"Wait, hold on Rick."
"Julian let me go you fucker—there's an escape prisoner sittin' on all our shit! He's going to smoke everything!"
"Rick! Look!"
"You better get the fuck outta' here!" Rick pushed past him, stomping up the steps. Ripping off whole screen door banging his gun against the door, kicking planting pots off the porch and spitting on the windows.
"Rick! Stop! Someone is living here! As in paying rent! We can't go in!"
Bubbles panicking looking at the neighbors turning on their lights in their trailers, some standing on porches, looking out windows and maybe even calling the fucking cops or worse—the superintendent. Ricky fired 4 shots into the porch and one more into the air. Ricky just opened Pandora's shit box now. In less than two shakes of a stripper's ass cheeks, Jim Lahey pulled up in his car to the three boys in his sights with his pot-bellied partner hot on his heels. Julian couldn't stop Ricky tearing into the door and entering the trailer. There was a second of silence before Julian's blood ran cold when he heard a gunshot and saw Rick falling out the window into the gnome garden wrapped in a shower curtain.
"Ricky! What the fuck!" Julian reached out an arm to help Rick.
Jim Lahey ran up to all of them screaming into a microphone, "A'right break it up! Break it up! You boys get away from that trailer!"
Rick pointed his finger, "Fuck you Lahey! You mind your own business! We're just tryin' to clean up some fuckin' business!"
Julian smacked Rick from behind the head," Shut up you idiot! Let me handle this!"
At this point everyone was trying to out-shout each other. Running up into each other's faces. Shoving each other. Having one big fucking shouting contest. The whole neighborhood is watching.
"I've been fighting people all fuckin' day! Now I'm going in there and draggin this fucker out by their fuckin' neck and—"
"Rick just shut up! Just shut the fuck up!" Julian shouted.
"What the fuck is goin' on here!? Julian tell them I'm just trying to-to recapture an escaped pioneer—prison—person—people. Look I'm gettin' my words mixed and fucked up. But he's in there! The bastard knocked me out the goddamn window! I was attacked! I'm the victim!"
Jim grinned pressing his tongue into his cheek.
"Well, well, well… Ricky you done it this time. I said it once and I'll say it again: When you plant shit seeds you get shit weeds! Randy call the cops and tell them that there's been destruction of property, attempted burglary, attempted robbery, and trespassing. You've been caught in your own shit-snare Ricky!"
Julian stepped in between them.
"Look, Lahey, this is all a big misunderstanding. We didn't know anyone was living here. But—"
"No one lives here so it's fine you prick! There's an escaped jail person in there and I'm doing the community a service. Maybe use your brain Lahey! If you and that degenerate cheeseburger addicted eatin' son o'bitch would pull yer head outta yer asses then maybe this trailer park wouldn't be a pubic hair away from being a shit hole!"
Bubbles was nowhere to be seen at this point and Julian wanted to snap back at Lahey and Randy when a voice silenced everyone. From the doorway of trailer 99 stepped a girl holding a folder and a baseball in the other. She must've been the one to whack Ricky out of the window when he tore through her door.
"What the HELL is going on here?" she stepped into sight. She looked clueless and cute with her hair in a bun. Her uniform was blue with a name tag and pens in her breast pocket.
"That's the prisoner there Lahey! Wearing a uniform and everythin'! She's the one fuckin' things up!"
Julian shook his goddamn head. Even Jim, Randy, and the other neighbors shook their heads. I swear to god Ricky, he wanted to punch him in his fucking clueless stupid face.
He looked Ricky in the eye," Ricky! That's not a prisoner uniform! Those are nurse scrubs! You fucking idiot!"
Jim tucked away his aviator glasses," She's the new tenant of trailer 99. Sorry Avery! I'm going to make sure none of these pathetic booze addicted get thrown into the deepest pit of hell-"
"Fuck you Lahey! You drunk asshole! Suck my cock!"
"You're going to jail you little shit stain! She's going to press charges against you! And I'll be there to watch them take you away!"
Then if things weren't getting bad enough Barb came walking up and joined the new mystery girl and they began speaking with each other pointing at Ricky and Jim. Julian looked towards the bottom of the trailer. It was covered in plastic, bottles, shopping carts and shit but this time it was reinforced with brick and newly slapped cement. Now how in the fuck are they supposed to do this? Barb came marching towards Jim Lahey and began shouting in his face about something. Julian sipped on his drink waiting for the moment he could speak to Barb before Ricky could make things fucking worse.
"I'm calling the cops!"
Barb pushed Lahey's shoulder," Stop it! You're drunk!"
The mystery girl stepped out onto her porch waving her arm back and forth.
"No! No, no, no Mr. Lahey! It was all a misunderstanding. I don't want to call the cops. There's no need to press charges. I just got off a shift. It's ok. We can all sleep and forget about this." Then she pointed to Ricky," Except I'm staying away from him and he better stay away from me. And keep those… camera men at a distance, too."
Barb pushed Jim towards his car," See? You get back to your trailer and you stay there! Just stop talking or else I will maim you myself stupid idiot!" She turned towards the girl smiling her best Sunday smile. "I'm so sorry darling. Let's get you back inside and I will make all of this go away. None of this is your fault. I'm going to take care of everything!"
Rick and Julian stood there waiting for Mr. Drunk Bald Spot to try and persuade Barb to change her mind. He's waited for weeks to pounce on them like this. This was his golden moment. Julian knew that ever since the Mental Hospital Lahey wasn't really a stable person. Shit, he was never ever stable. But something told him that Lahey didn't want to push it with Barb. Barb glared at him with a final warning. Thank fuck. Julian grabbed Rick by the shoulder and pulled him back one more time. Jim whispered to Randy and without saying another goddamn word, they retreated to his cream-colored car and cruised away. The noise settled down. People went into their trailers.
Rick looked at Julian," Now what?"
"Shut up." Julian took a sip before turning towards the girl," Barbara thanks for not calling the cops. My friend, uh, has a few problems that he needs to take care of. He gets off the rails-"
"You get him out of here." Barbara huffed," And all of you leave her alone! Stay as far away from her as possible." she pointed towards the girl. "She is a good tenant and she paid good money for her trailer. She deserves some peace and quiet and no more bullet holes in her new home."
The girl, Avery came down the steps," It's ok Barb. The door is an easy fix. They didn't know I was living here and I forgive them. It was all a big misunderstanding and there's no hard feelings. It doesn't have to be a big circus."
"Thank you," Julian looked at her. Wow, that was easy.
Barb spoke another word to Avery before leaving and giving her shoulder a gentle mom-daughter squeeze wishing a goodnight. Ricky lit a cigarette before kicking a hub cap and stomping on a grocery bag cursing like a fucking sailor. There were so many things going through Julian's head he wasn't sure where to start. The dope. The money. Mr. Lahey. The new girl. Ricky almost blowing their dope stash. Being a pussy hair away from going to jail again.
"Do you know how much money she's sitting on in there?" Rick whispered.
"I know, Rick. Let's head back and figure out how we're going to get it out without Mr. Lahey calling the cops."
"Fucking Lahey. Cock sucker. Fuck 'em."
"YOU almost fucked us Rick. If Lahey actually called the cops for the shit you pulled then they would've searched the place and found the dope. Fucking idiot!"
"It wasn't my fault! This was all her fault! She's the one that attacked me. I'm the one with the bump on my head. Now my neck is gonna be fucked up."
"You ripped down her door Ricky," Julian walked up the steps and cleared out the door and rubbish. "Listen, Avery was it? I apologize for my friend here. He has a couple of loose screws and I'm sure he's pretty sorry too."
He had a better look at her now. Black hair, brown eyes, nice skin.
She grinned," It's ok. I grew up with brothers. I know how it is."
"Listen if you're here tomorrow I'd like to come tomorrow and fix your door for you and uh your window too. Replace a couple of planting pots. Gnomes. Your bird feeder."
"That would be nice. I'm Avery. Everyone calls me Ava. I was looking to replace the door anyway," she smelled nice too.
"I'm Julian," he shook her hand. No wedding ring. Nice nails. Like she went to the parlor or something. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you."
Julian stepped down her porch. Ricky was taking a piss. An owl hooted in the distance as another cold wind came. The trailer park fell into a calm and peaceful state as they both walked back to Julian's. Bubbles waited eagerly on the steps as they approached. A black and white kitty in his lap. Trevor sat inside a shopping cart with Corey behind him pushing him in a small circle.
"Hey boys. Hey Trevor, knock knock…"
"Shut up Rick. A'right boys we have a situation," Julian sipped from his glass. "We have our biggest stash underneath trailer 99. Now someone's moved into that trailer when a specific idiot told us that would never happen. Now tomorrow we're going to have to do some serious recon and see how we can get it moved."
Corey shrugged," Who's the new tenant?"
"Her name is Avery Smith," Bubbles stood up, letting his kitty jump from his lap. "She's a private caregiver from America."
"Bub's how the fuck do you know this? You a Sunnyvale trailer directive or somethin'?"
"Detective," Julian corrected. "Yea Bubs how do you know this?"
"Well when she hit Ricky in the head with a baseball bat and he fell outta the window, I snuck in and took a look inside her purse. She's a CNA from Arizona. Had a couple of pens, notepad, calculator, gas receipts, gum, lipstick, nail file, hand lotion, and some tic tacs. She even has a kitty in there somewhere. I saw the litter box in her laundry room." He giggled.
Julian shook his head," Alright good work Bubs." He patted his back.
"She's hot as shit when she ain't hittin' you in your face with a fuckin' bat…" Rick took two cigarettes from Corey, his hand rubbing his head. "I could've taken her. But ya know… I don't fight girls."
"Shut up Ricky." Julian sat in his chair in front of the tv. "Tomorrow I'm going to go fix her place up and see if I can get inside. Ricky you stay the fuck away from her. Bubs, Corey, Trevor you help me out. Maybe we can make sure she never has to know it's there."
"What? Why the hell would we help her if she's a NARC?"
"CNA Rick! Jesus!"
(Author: My boyfriend turned me onto this show and I immediately fell in love with the shoe and Julian and all the characters. Enjoy! Leave a comment!)