There was a bird in the sky. It was red. Probably red. Maybe orange.

"Hawky! He's back!"

Katara scoffed at her brother as he began to hoot in excitement. She massaged her temples and squeezed her eyes in frustration. Who knew that her grand adventure with the Avatar would begin and end in the same way: with her being pestered by her annoying older brother.

Ever since Aang beat the snot out of Firelord Ozai, the gang had decided to rest in the Upper Ring of Ba Sing Se for a couple months. While the newly appointed Firelord Zuko was forced to return to Caldera City, the rest of Aang and co. were getting some much needed R&R at Uncle Iroh's tea shop, which had since been renovated to include an outdoor patio in the back. Katara was lounging on one of the chairs behind the Jasmine Dragon, holding a cup of steaming tea in her left hand and a mochi in her right.

"Sokka, that's the sixth bird you've seen today. This one doesn't even look like a hawk."

Sokka pulled at one of her hair loopies and frantically waved towards the sky with one of his crutches. "No, I swear, this one's Hawky! Look at the beak, no other bird has one like it."

A deep rumbling began in Katara's throat, the kind that an angry rhinoceros-bear would make if someone poked it with a stick in the middle of the night. She was tempted to launch into a lecture about the extreme prevalence of beaks amongst nearly all avian species, but she held her tongue. She turned to Aang, who was halfway through a mochi of his own.

"Sweetie, would you mind grabbing another bird for Sokka?" Katara gestured in the general direction of the bird. Aang smiled. He tossed the rest of his mochi into Momo's eager paws and unfurled his glider.

"Sure thing sweetie!"

Aang took to the air as Sokka let out another one of his famous oogies. Katara smirked, then called out to Aang again. "Sweetie!" She yelled at the clouds, making sure to enunciate each syllable in a slow cadence. She knew Aang wouldn't be able to hear her over the sound of the wind whooshing by his ears, but she didn't care. This was payback. "Sweetie, did you find the bird yet? Sweetie, can you hear me?"

Sokka groaned, then droned out another "ooooogie" before clearing his throat. He flopped his head back and let his mouth hang ajar. Satisfied with her revenge, Katara took a bite of her mochi and followed it up with a dainty sip of tea. She didn't even bother looking when Aang returned, bird in hand. Then, there was a crash. Katara looked up and saw her older brother face down on the ground, his arms splayed to the side. Suki rushed to his side and flipped him onto his back, paying extra attention to his injured leg. Katara grabbed some healing water.

"Sokka, are you alright?" Suki asked, worry evident in her voice. Sokka groaned. His eyes fluttered open to the sight of Aang holding a big, red, and very angry looking bird.

"Hawky! Aang, you found him!" Sokka exclaimed while still collapsed on the ground. "See Katara? I knew Hawky would come back."

Katara smiled. As much as she hated being proven wrong by her brother, she couldn't help but love seeing him in such excitement. Everyone turned to look at the bird. By the way he was cradled in Aang's arms, Hawky almost looked like a baby. A very annoyed looking baby with oversized eyebrows and a pair of sharp-looking eyes, but a baby nonetheless. Suki bit her lip in a failed attempt to suppress her laughter.

"Holy Hei-Bei, that's amazing," she gasped between laughs. "Sokka, you finally got your little baby Hawky back."

Hawky gave her a death glare, but Suki continued laughing. Toph, unable to see the hilarity of the situation, punched Aang in the arm. "Did Hawky, the messenger hawk...come with a message?" she asked.

"Yup!" Aang replied as he reached into Hawky's pouch and pulled out a rolled up sheet of paper. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Uh, the...Ember Island Players have issued…" He paused. "They have issued an open invitation...for the Avatar and his companions to...see their new play?"

"For the savior of the world, you sure read slowly Aang. Give it to me," Toph said. She snatched the paper from Aang's hands, ripping it in the process, and laid it in front of her. Her eyes widened.

She began, "After receiving critical acclaim for The Boy in the Iceberg, we have decided to make a series of plays chronicling the adventures of the Avatar and his trusty crew. Using information gleaned from Adile Sasso, concubine to Toph Beifong, we have crafted a sequel to The Boy in the Iceberg. We pride ourselves on our historical authenticity, and hope that the Avatar will find our production an entertaining and accurate portrayal of—"

Suki facepalmed, and took the paper away. After an initial pause, realization dawned on all of their faces. Toph laughed hysterically. "Oh, the spirits, I can't believe you all fell for that!" she sputtered out between laughs. "Hey guys, look up at the sky, the clouds spell out gulli—"

"Wait, so if you made this all up, where'd you come up with that name for the concubine?" Sokka interrupted. Toph perched herself atop one of the outdoor dining tables and shrugged.

"I dunno, I just slapped a few random syllables together. I don't think I know anyone with a name like that, and I've seen some really weird ones," Toph replied. "And before you ask, no, I don't have a concubine. But after what we've done, I could probably get one, easy."

A cocky grin grew across her entire face. While Sokka was fixated on Hawky, Suki turned to Toph and rolled her eyes playfully. Predictably, Toph didn't react. Suki soon realized her mistake and facepalmed again, this time more forcefully. Sokka limped over and sat down next to her.

"Don't slap yourself so hard, you'll get a big mark on your forehead and it'll look ridiculous, not to mention be extremely sore for days. Believe me, I learned that the hard way…" he said before beginning his rant about the insufferable traveling caravan and the secret tunnel. After wrapping up his very illustrious and mostly fabricated retelling of the incident, he concluded with a consolation. "Anyway, you're not the only one who's forgotten that Toph is blind. We've all done it at some point."

He rubbed Suki's shoulders gently. She nuzzled her head into the crook of his neck. She felt like they were melding together into one big, blissful puddle of warmth, cuddles and oogie. All she wanted was to snuggle closer to him for the rest of eternity. Unfortunately for Suki, all Sokka wanted was free snacks at the theater.

"Hey, they said Aang can invite anyone to the play, so who are we gonna invite? All of you guys, definitely, but who else? Ooh, I know! Zuko, we gotta invite him! And will there be free snacks? They better have free snacks, the merchant who sold me fire flakes totally ripped me off. If there are free snacks I'm gonna gorge myself on—"

Katara shushed him. She began to speak in a soft tone. "I don't know, guys. We were all upset the last time we went to see the Ember Island Players, Aang especially. I don't think it's a good idea to go again..."

"No, it's fine Katara," Aang responded. He sidled up to her. "I know you love me, sweetie, the real you. Not some corny actor on stage."

Sokka piped up, "Okay, so it's decided then! Let's pick up Mai and Zuko then fly on over to watch mediocre actors and get free snacks!"

"Would anyone mind telling me what the play is actually about?" Mai asked the group of superpowered children in front of her. Her question was met with silence. "None of you know, do you? Ugh, all of you share one brain cell, and it's Katara's."

"Hey, it's not my fault that Suki forgot to bring the poster," Zuko said defensively.

"Wow," Mai deadpanned, turning an expressionless face towards Suki. "You've really sunk down to Sokka's level. He's such a good influence on you..."

Suki blushed, while Sokka began to protest. "I'm not that stu—"

"Yes, you are." Mai shushed him. She turned to Katara. "Okay, as the one intelligent person in the group, did you read the poster?"

Katara twiddled with her left hair loopie nervously before admitting that she hadn't.

"Katara, I really had you pegged as the smart one. I'm so happy you proved me wrong," Mai drawled. "I suppose it makes sense though, you're Sokka's sister after all."

"Again! I'm not stu—"

"I'm not going to watch some play we know nothing about," Mai said. "Zuko and I are staying in the palace. Anyway, we have some business to attend to..." Mai took Zuko's hand and led him away. The rest of the gang formed a huddle.

"Nice job guys," Toph said. "You really convinced them."

"Okay fine, we messed up," Sokka said. "We need to convince Mai to join, or else Zuko won't come either. What do you think would change her mind?" Sokka looked around at the others, waiting for a response.

Aang spoke up first. "Uh, I know she hates everything, so...maybe she'll join us if we tell her she'll hate the Ember Island Players?"

Sokka grinned. "Bingo! Now, let me do the talking."

"How is that actually a good—"

After getting the location of Zuko and Mai from a very confused palace guard, the gang marched through the hallways. For a group that mostly hailed from tiny villages in the backwaters of the world, the inside of the Fire Nation palace was a sight to behold. The floor was made from finely milled wood and even the hallways had gold inlays on the walls. With the exception of Toph (who claimed that the floors were too cold), they were all in awe.

Finally, they arrived at the door to Zuko's personal chambers. Sokka grinned, then said, "Let me handle this." He swung open the door. "Hey Mai, I know what would—ACK!" The door slammed shut. The rest of the group stared at Sokka in shock as he stuttered in a traumatized voice, "They were, they were, you know…" He made a crude symbol with his hands to illustrate, then stuck his tongue out in mock disgust.

"You're one to talk, Sokka. We all know what you and Suki did in the tent a while back..." Katara teased.

Both Sokka and Suki turned a bright shade of red.

"But, but, we were so discreet about it! We were so discreet! How did you know?" Sokka stammered.

Katara's left eyebrow moved an inch up her forehead. She grinned cheekily. "Yes, you were very subtle..."

"Guys, shut up, I think they're about to open the door!" Toph whispered. Right on cue, the door opened, revealing a disheveled and incredibly angry Mai. She stormed forward and seized Sokka by the collar.

"You cannot fathom how much I hate you right now, you little twit," she whispered dangerously. Sokka stuck his hands up. His eyes scrambled around fearfully and his face was whiter than an albino rabbit-monkey.

"Let him go." A shirtless Zuko stood in the doorframe. He looked at Sokka, then rubbed his forehead in disappointment. "Okay, Sokka. What urgent message do you have for us?"

After glancing at Zuko, Mai let Sokka go. He sucked in a breath of air. "I actually had a message for Mai."

Mai twitched, but ultimately relented. "Spit it out."

Sokka grinned nervously. "Okay. Mai, you, like, hate everything, right?"

Mai stared at him. "An oversimplification, but yes, I suppose I do…"

"You know, if you enjoy hating things, you'll really love the Ember Island Players! They're terrible! Zuko, go tell her all about them."

Zuko sighed, "He's right, Mai. I've seen their plays, and they're all awful. I don't even get why they're so insistent on going."

"Yeah, to be honest, this doesn't sound like a great idea after all," Aang said dejectedly.

"Hey, they said we'd be 'honored guests,' and it's completely free!" Sokka responded. "What's there to complain about?"

While the rest of the group bickered, Katara had an idea. "Hey Mai! If you come with us to Ember Island, I'll make sure that you and Zuko can enjoy some uninterrupted quality time together on the beach."

"Hm, a tantalizing offer. But there'll still be other people at the beach. If Zuko and I are going to enjoy some—what did you call it?—quality time on the beach, we'd really like some privacy."

Katara thought for a minute then came up with a plan. "How about this. I'll waterbend a huge tsunami wave and make it look like it's gonna hit the beach. Everyone will run away and you and Zuko will have the whole beach to yourself. Oh and I promise I'll keep Sokka away from the beach."

Mai considered the offer. The play was probably going to be awful, but a beach on a tropical island beats the palace bedroom any day.

"Fine. Zuko, let's go."

So together this merry band of friends walked out of the palace and took places in Appa's saddle. "Yip yip!" Aang hollered. Appa rose into the sky. They were off.

Aang bent all four elements in quick succession.

"See? I'm the Avatar! Now let us in!" Aang yelled at the plumpy bearded man in the ticket booth. The man let out a gust of air.

"Listen, I know you're the Avatar. But rules say that all children must be accompanied by an adult in order to view this production. As I said, the production contains very mature themes. I'm sorry, but I can't allow you in."

"Then why did you guys send me a personal invitation to come here?!" Aang continued angrily. At this point, it was a surprise that he wasn't in the Avatar state by now.

"I don't recall the theater doing anything of that nature, but we will let you in if you present proof that this invitation exists."

"Uh, we, ah, lost the invitation. But please! I'll make you an Avatar promise that I am not lying."

"Sorry, kid, but we can't let you in unless you show us this invitation we supposedly sent you."

Zuko, clearly frustrated, marched up to the ticket booth. "As your Fire Lord, I order you to admit us into this theater!" he rumbled. The man in the booth stared at him, then started laughing. Zuko lost any composure he previously had. "DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE ME?!"

The ticket booth man was in hysterics. "Oh the spirits, that's amazing. I'll admit it, your Zuko costume is pretty good, but—" the man doubled over in laughter. "You put the scar on the wrong side!"

"Ugh, let me handle this guys," Toph said. She walked up to the counter and dropped a pile of gold coins in front of the ticket manager. "Now will you let us in?"

The man stood up and motioned towards the door. "Right this way, kids."

Like the first time they visited, they took up seats in the nosebleed section. It was a similar seating arrangement to the first time, except Aang and Katara were both in the front row while Zuko and Mai sat together behind them.

"Hey, did anyone happen to overhear the name of the play?" Mai asked the others. "Or, what it's about?"

"Yeah, I heard some lady call it 'Team Avatar Tales: Chaos on Kyoshi Island,' or something like that anyway," Katara responded. "Though I don't know what it's about. Suki, maybe you know?"

"No, not really," she said. "Nothing's really happened on Kyoshi Island recently that would warrant a whole play about it. Maybe I'll ask one of the valets?" She walked off and soon returned with a small pamphlet bearing the seal of the Ember Island Players. The full name of the play was written on the front in gaudy script, as well as the names of all the prominent actors and actresses. Aang steamed after he viewed the first name on the list and saw that he was again played by a woman. Unfortunately, there was no description of the play other than a short tagline that read 'Based on a speculative story by an anonymous member of the Avatar fan club.' Aang smiled at that, remembering how enthusiastic those kids were about learning Air Nomad philosophy.

The room dimmed as each lantern was put out one by one. The curtains opened.

ACT 1, SCENE 1

Time: Immediately after the defeat of Phoenix King Ozai

At rise: AANG stands over a ragdoll representing the late OZAI. He is tap dancing.

AANG (with jubilation) Yay! The evil King Ozai is now dead!

(He sticks his tongue out and blows a raspberry at the corpse prop)

AANG (still cheerful) Now, time to go have fun with my friends! Yip yip hooray!

(Two stagehands attach wires to AANG's harness. AANG is lifted offstage.)

Aang squinted quizzically. "Do the playwrights really think I killed Ozai?" He shivered as a dark thought came to him. "Does this mean—" Aang stuttered. "Does this mean...the whole world thinks I'm a murderer, that I killed someone?" Someone tapped his shoulder. Aang turned around and was surprised to see it was Mai.

"Aang, don't worry. People know you didn't kill the Fire Lord."

"But then why did they have me murder the Fire Lord in the play?"

"Ember Island is far away from where you defeated Ozai and it's not like the people who made this play are particularly smart. Someone probably told them some rumor that Ozai was dead and they believed it."

Zuko spoke up. "I have a meeting with Education Minister Chung in two days. I'll have him add a section on the end of the war to the national history textbooks."

Aang let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks guys."

ACT 1, SCENE 2

The scenery changes to the front of IROH's tea shop, the Jade Panda. AANG, KATARA, SOKKA and ZUKO are seated at a table. IROH lumbers onto the stage.

IROH (in a deep, gravelly voice) By murdering my younger brother—

"I didn't murder him!"

IROH —you have restored peace, freedom, justice and security to our world. (his voice perks up) Can I offer you some white jade tea?

AANG I love white jade! Would you mind making it cold? I don't like hot tea.

Zuko facepalmed. "White jade? That's poison! My uncle once had white jade tea and he had rashes all over his body for days."

"Why would he drink white jade?" Toph asked. "Isn't he supposed to know everything about tea?"

"Yeah, but he thought it was white jasmine by mistake. He's crazy about white jasmine."

Katara turned around to face Zuko. She had never heard about this particular story from Zuko. Curiously she asked, "When did this happen?"

Zuko grimaced as the memory came back. "It was back when Uncle and I were trying to hide from Azula in the Earth Kingdom. We were wondering through a forest and he started raving about some bush he found. Ugh, he knew that it could have been white jade, but he drank it anyway!" Zuko twitched then turned back towards the stage.

IROH Good choice! Cold tea is delicious. Now I'm going to drink tea and play Pai-Sho.

"Cold tea?! These people really need to do some research. Good thing Uncle isn't here."

(IROH sips straight out of a teapot. IROH exits. SOKKA enters the tea shop and takes a seat opposite to AANG. A stagehand shakes a bowl of rocks to simulate growling.)

AANG Sokka, did you hear that? That sounded like a growling moose-lion!

SOKKA No, it wasn't a growling moose-lion. It was my stomach. I'm starving!

(Actors pause to allow the audience to laugh, then continue the scene. IROH enters with a plate of glazed meat and puts it onto the table.)

SOKKA (After smashing his face onto the plate) Om nom. This meat is delicious!

(SOKKA helicopters his tongue to slurp up the sauce. When he raises his head, sauce covers his face.)

Katara elbowed Sokka and smirked. "At least they got that part right. You used to lick the whole plate whenever Gran-Gran made us Kung Pao chicken."

Suki's face twisted in disgust. "Sokka, why?"

Sokka shrugged. "Hey, it was tasty chicken."

(While SOKKA distracts the crowd, AANG reaches under the table to grab PUPPET-MOMO. He smashes the puppet into the plate of licked meat.)

PUPPET-MOMO (Ventriloquized by AANG) I love meat!

(PUPPET-MOMO is continually smashed into the plate. AANG flaps its mouth open and shut to indicate that the puppet is eating from the plate. After PUPPET-MOMO finishes its meal it is thrown offstage.)

Aang gagged, his mind roiling with images of Momo feasting on an animal carcass.

AANG (now facing KATARA and ZUKO, who are both holding hands and cuddling.) I'm so happy for both of you! I hope you two have a wonderful marriage! (AANG gives them a thumbs up and turns away)

KATARA (dramatically) Oh, I love you so much my dear Zuko! I hope we can have a happy family with lots of babies.

ZUKO I would die for you!

(KATARA and ZUKO share a slobbery kiss. Saliva drips down KATARA's face.)

"Anything you want to tell me, Zuko?" Mai had a blade pressed against Zuko's throat.

"No, nothing at all, I promise!" Zuko gasped. Mai held Zuko's neck for a moment longer, then released him. She gave Katara a death stare. "Stay away from him," she growled. Although she left out the or else, the threat was abundantly clear.

(Suki enters the tea shop.)

SOKKA (excited) Yatta pizazzizazz! It's Suki!

SUKI (visibly worried) There is trouble on Kyoshi island! We have to stop it!

(Stagehands dressed in an APPA costume run onto the stage.)

AANG (hollering) Appa, yeet yeet!

(The cast rides APPA offstage.)

Toph giggled. "Yeet yeet? Nice."

ACT 1, SCENE 3

The scenery changes to Kyoshi Island, where APPA has just landed. TOPH is already on the island flexing his big biceps while screaming. A crowd of adoring Kyoshi warriors surrounds him.

AANG (in awe) Gee, those are big muscles.

Toph flexed mockingly. "Yeah, Aang. Look at these gains. See guys? I already have a harem. My actor's the best!"

TOPH Hey Aang, check this out. (TOPH lifts a large rock then eats it) My biceps are gigantic.

(Toph chews on the rock. Stagehands dressed in an UNAGI costume chaotically run around onstage.)

UNAGI (angrily screeching) Reeeeeeeeeeee!

(the UNAGI blasts a jet of water at a wooden house in the village, destroying it instantly)

AANG (to Suki) Oh no! What is happening?

SUKI (speaking slowly so audience can hear exposition) The Unagi, a carnivorous saltwater sea snake indigenous to the islands on the southern coast of the Earth Kingdom, is terrorizing Kyoshi Island!

Suki furrowed her brows. "Since when have I been so…intellectual?"

Sokka shrugged. "Don't ask me, I have no idea."

AANG Why is the Unagi angry?

SOKKA I know! You need to feed it meat. (Sokka runs offstage and comes back with a raw piece of meat of indeterminate origin. He throws it at the UNAGI. The UNAGI screeches again.)

KATARA (despairingly) The Unagi does not accept our offering of uncooked meat. All hope is lost. (KATARA begins to sob into her clothing)

"Hey!" Sokka exclaimed while slapping the railing. "That's a well marbled hippo-cow tenderloin! How could the Unagi not like it?!"

TOPH I will go and beat up the Unagi with my bare hands. Violence time! (TOPH gets into the water and goes towards the UNAGI. He begins to panic.) Help I can't swim.

(A trapdoor opens to lower TOPH underneath the stage. TOPH drowns. Stagehands move multiple tents onto the stage.)

AANG (sadly) Oh no, Toph is dead. He was such a good friend. (he pauses for a moment then reverts to his normal cheery demeanor) Anyway, since we don't have any plans for how to stop the unagi, let's get some sleep. Look, there are some convenient tents right there!

Everyone looked at Toph in astonishment as she realized what had happened. "Did they just kill me off? I got, like, three lines before I drowned."

Katara waved it off. "Hey, at least you aren't sharing sloppy kisses with Mr. Moody over here." She pointed at Zuko, who groaned. "Also, remind me to teach you how to swim later on."

(Everyone goes to the tents. The lights dim and a stagehand squashes a bowl of crickets to imitate the sounds of the night. PRINCESS YUE, dressed as the moon, descends from the top of the stage attached to a wire. A choir sings.)

PRINCESS YUE (whispering) I am the moon spirit. That isn't relevant to the plot right now but it will be shortly.

(PRINCESS YUE is hoisted above the stage. ZUKO sneaks into KATARA's tent. No one else notices.)

ZUKO (loudly) At last, under the shroud of the cold black night, we can indulge our darkest desires.

Up in the stands, Katara and Zuko mumbled the same thing: "Oh no." Katara clasped a hand firmly over Aang's eyes.

KATARA (in a sultry voice) Oh yes Zuko! Take my body and fill it up with your hope!

(Carnal moaning comes from the tent, reaching a high pitched climax then stopping.)

ZUKO (panting) Ah, yes! That was so dishonorable, yet it felt so good!

KATARA (also panting) Oh, that was so romantic. Your chest hair is really attractive.

(ZUKO exits the tent half naked. Sweat glistens from his body.)

Only after Katara knew that the scene was definitely over did Katara allow Aang to see again. His face was surprisingly placid, if a bit confused as well.

"I don't get it, what happened."

Katara and Zuko glanced at one another. "Uh, nothing," Katara said hastily.

ACT 1, SCENE 4

It is early in the morning. Kyoshi island is bathed in sunlight and a thin fog hangs over the sea.

AANG (stretching) Ah, I got a good night's sleep! How did you sleep, Sokka?

SOKKA (dreamily) The moon was so beautiful last night. If I married Princess Yue, one could say that we'd be on a...honeyMOON.

(Actors pause to allow the audience to laugh, then continue the scene.)

UNAGI (screeching) Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(the UNAGI enters the stage and soaks SOKKA with a blast of water)

SOKKA My clothes, they're soaking wet! Snakey, water you doing?

(Actors pause to allow the audience to laugh, then continue the scene.)

SOKKA Alright snakey, you're getting a taste of my boomerang! Yeezy bakakakkow!

(Actors pause to allow the audience to laugh, then continue the scene.)

(SOKKA throws a boomerang which hits the UNAGI harmlessly then falls into the water.)

UNAGI (angrily with a deeper tone) Reee oahhhhhhhh!

AANG Watch out Sokka!

SOKKA (while shaking uncovered buttocks at the UNAGI) I just showed that snake who's boss!

(The UNAGI swims towards the coastline and snaps up SOKKA in its jaws. Stagehands smash rocks together to simulate the grinding of SOKKA's body in the UNAGI's maw. Pit orchestra plays ominous music.)

"What?! They killed me off too?! My actor didn't even use the jokes I gave him! Ugh, this guy's truly awful."

Toph punched Sokka in the arm. "I would say that the way you died is pretty realistic. Dying while mooning a wild animal? That's totally you."

"Don't you think it's sorta weird that two of us have already died and it hasn't even been intermission? I mean, this was supposed to be written by a member of the Avatar fan club. Shouldn't the script be a little…kinder to us?"

"Yeah, it is rather strange. I thought that Aang's little girl group was filled with a bunch of wussies. Who would have known that one of them would write something so dark. Seriously Aang, what's wrong with these people?"

Aang's blue arrow became distorted as his whole forehead scrunched. He raised his hands in resignation. "I—To be honest, I don't even know. They all seemed like nice happy people to me."

AANG (exaggerated somber voice) No, not Sokka! We really need to stop the Unagi! Katara! Zuko! Suki! Wake up!

KATARA (groggily, having just exited her tent) Huh, what happened?

AANG Your brother just died.

(KATARA sobs inconsolably)

SUKI (having heard the commotion) What's wrong Katara?

KATARA My brother just died.

(SUKI hugs KATARA and sobs inconsolably)

"At least the dramatic crying fits the scene for once," Katara said.

KATARA So (sniffles) how are we going to kill the Unagi? He must die for what he did to Sokka!

AANG (In the manner of a wise yet arrogant preacher) The monks used to say that revenge is like a two-headed Unagi. While you watch your enemy get his head bitten off, you're being decapitated yourself.

ZUKO (Furiously) Shut up Aang! Revenge is the only way! That monster killed her brother in cold, merciless, fiendish blood and we must pay it back in kind! Come on Katara, we'll murder the beast together, just like we murdered the man who killed your mother.

AANG Wait, please reconsider…

(KATARA and ZUKO storm off towards the coastline)

AANG (sighing) Zuko's such a bad influence on her.

ZUKO (storming back towards AANG) What did you say?! I am the best influence. How dare you insult my honor?! I cannot let this slander against my name go unpunished. I challenge you to an Agni Kai!

AANG (confused) Didn't you outlaw Agni Kais?

ZUKO (the steam exiting his system) Oh, right. Carry on then.

(ZUKO heads back towards the coast)

Aang gripped Katara's arm. "Wait. Did you kill Yon Rha?" he said.

"No, he's still alive right now, I'd assume," Katara said. "We didn't kill him or anything, just ask Zuko."

"Yeah, we didn't do anything to the guy," Zuko confirmed.

Aang let out a sigh of relief. "Glad to hear that. I'm gonna have to find out whoever wrote this and figure out why they made us so bloodthirsty."

"Oh, and figure out why they killed me and Toph!" Sokka screamed.

AANG (hopelessly) Oh no! What am I going to do?

SUKI Whatever it is, we can't let them kill it. The Unagi is a vital part of the Kyoshi Island ecosystem. Without the Unagi to cull their numbers, the native elephant koi will overpopulate, leading to a collapse in the food chain and ecological calamity.

AANG (confused) Uh, that sounds like it's a bad thing. We can't kill it, I guess. So then what are we going to do?

SUKI I don't know, but what I do know is that we have to stop Katara and Zuko before they kill the Unagi.

(AANG and SUKI run to the coast)

ACT 1, SCENE 5

AANG and SUKI are on the coast while KATARA and ZUKO are battling the UNAGI at sea. KATARA is waterbending a giant wave while ZUKO is flinging fireballs.

AANG Stop! Don't kill the Unagi! We need it for eco stuff.

ZUKO No.

(KATARA and ZUKO ignore him. AANG gets his glider. Stagehands attach wires to the harnesses of KATARA, ZUKO, and AANG. AANG is lifted into the air. He flies to KATARA and picks her up by the back of her shirt. After dropping her back on land, he makes a second trip and picks up ZUKO in the same way. Onshore, ZUKO and KATARA are angry at AANG for interceding.)

KATARA (furiously) That thing killed my brother. Why are you protecting it?

AANG Guys, please! If you kill the Unagi there'll be too many fish or something…

SUKI (matter of factly) The marine ecosystem will be overpopulated with elephant koi, which will result in the rapid depletion of sea vegetation, causing harmful erosion and the loss of biodiversity.

AANG Thanks Suki. Anyway, please, stop it!

ZUKO Fine! We won't kill the snake, but we can't let it keep killing people! You got any ideas?

AANG (trying to come up with an answer but blanking) Uh, I've got nothing. But I can go ask the spirits! Let me meditate.

(AANG enters a seated position with his legs crossed and arms spread out.)

AANG Ommmmmmmm.

ACT 1, SCENE 6

Scenery changes to the spirit world library of WONG TONG. Pit orchestra plays mystical music.

AANG Wow! It's the spirit world!

(A man dressed as WONG TONG, the owl-spirit of knowledge, flaps his wings and descends onto the stage.)

WONG TONG (thundering) It is I, Wong Tong, he who knows one hundred things, and secretary of the spirit world! What is your desire, Avatar Aang?

AANG O great knowledge-spirit, I am honored by your presence! I must know why the Unagi is so angry!

WONG TONG (cluelessly) I dunno, probably because of some marital issues. Who knows.

AANG Marital issues? Please, tell me more! It already ate two of my friends!

WONG TONG (exasperated) Knowledge concerning the Unagi's romantic affairs is not amongst the one hundred things I know! Go ask the moon spirit, she probably knows, that perverted Peeping Tom…

AANG Hey! I know Yue! She's not a per—

WONG TONG She's the biggest gossip around here! Every night, she rises into the sky and spies on the torrid affairs of the human world while doing her moon business. All the scandalous bits seem to happen at night, it seems. For example, she just told me that your friends Zuko and Katara had a, ahem, very good time together while you were sleeping.

Zuko and Katara looked at each other warily. "Oh come on! They're going after Yue too?" Sokka exclaimed.

AANG (Naively) Were they playing a game? I love games! I should ask if I can play with them tonight.

WONG TONG (bluntly) No they were having sexual inter—

(PRINCESS YUE descends from the top of the stage)

PRINCESS YUE (authoritatively) You shall not impart the forbidden knowledge to this pure child! (now speaking more kindly to AANG) Now, Avatar, I shall tell you how to quell the Unagi.

AANG (confused) Thank you Yue, but I never told you I was looking for information about the Unagi...how did you know that was what I came here for?

WONG TONG BECAUSE SHE'S A VOYEUR, THAT'S WHY!

(PRINCESS YUE slaps WONG TONG. WONG TONG exits the stage in tears.)

PRINCESS YUE Don't worry, he only hates me because I insulted his planetarium.

AANG So... can you tell me more about the Unagi?

PRINCESS YUE Ah, right. Nearly forgot. The Unagi used to have a wife who he loved very dearly. Her name was Anago and she did not reciprocate his feelings. She left him for another snake and he has been bitter ever since.

AANG (breezily) Thanks and g'bye!

PRINCESS YUE Wait hold on—

ACT 1, SCENE 7

Scenery changes back to the Kyoshi Island coastline. AANG wakes up from his meditation.

AANG Hey guys! I know what we need to do!

ZUKO, KATARA and SUKI (simultaneously) What?

AANG (perkily) We need to get the Unagi a girlfriend!

Aang stuck his tongue out. "Ugh…why…"

ZUKO (passionately) Yes! We shall get the Unagi a girlfriend, and then we shall kill them both!

AANG (playfully) Don't be silly Zuko! We want to make the Unagi happy, not dead. Everyone on Appa! Yeet yeet!

(The surviving characters ride APPA offstage. Curtains close. Intermission begins.)

The clapping from the audience was deafening as it reverberated around the theater. Sokka stood up. "Finally! Snackies!" He jogged away to the concession stands.

Meanwhile, Suki crossed her arms and pouted. "This play is an insult to every Kyoshi warrior in the world." Her voice lowered to a threatening growl. "It would be quite unfortunate if these 'actors' found fans lodged in their necks."

"I still can't believe they killed me off!" Toph said. "Gosh, I really need to learn how to swim, don't I."

"Don't worry," Suki said. "I'll teach you later."

Sokka walked back in with a very disgruntled look on his face.

"What happened Sokka?" Suki asked.

"Without the invitation, I can't even get free snacks! That's the one reason I came here in the first place! C'mon, two gold pieces for a bag of fire flakes? What a ripoff."

Sokka plopped back into his seat and rolled his head backward.

ACT 2, SCENE 1

The curtains open to reveal the cast atop APPA in the sky. Prop-clouds can be seen floating by to simulate movement. Stagehands use fans to recreate the sound of wind.)

KATARA The wind embraces us, the clouds pass by, it's all so...beautiful.

(KATARA gasps dramatically)

AANG Hey guys! We've finally arrived at the Serpent's Pass!

(Pit orchestra plays suspenseful music. Below, the SERPENT swims calmly around in a lake.)

AANG (shouting towards the SERPENT) Hey you! Yes, you, the sea serpent! (the SERPENT does not indicate any response) Hey! Sea serpent! I'm talking to you, silly! There's an eligible snake bachelor at Kyoshi Island and you'd really—(AANG realizes the SERPENT isn't paying attention to him) Gee, what's the serpent's name anyway?

SUKI The Ba Sing Se sea serpent is defined by the species name E. schistosa under the suborder of—

ZUKO (angrily) Snakes don't have names, especially not evil ones! Look at it, it's evil!

KATARA But if we don't have its name, how are we going to get it to Kyoshi Island?

AANG (thinking) Hm… (a stagehand rings a bell to represent a new idea) Ooh, I know! We'll waterbend a huge wave to move the serpent all the way to Kyoshi Island! Woosh! (AANG pantomimes the crest of a wave with his right hand) Ready Katara?

KATARA (with all of her usual drama) Yes, I am ready to finally end this wretched ordeal. Let's do it.

(AANG and KATARA fling their hands around randomly while stagehands bring a bright blue wave-prop onstage. The SERPENT struggles at first, and AANG and KATARA try to overpower it with more waterbending.)

KATARA Oh no, the serpent is too strong for us!

AANG Don't give up Katara! I believe in you!

(Their arm-flailing intensifies and the wave washes the SERPENT away. APPA and the rest of the cast follow it as it goes further out to sea. Stagehands move the scenery to simulate movement.)

KATARA (moaning from exhaustion) Ugh, my muscles are so achy.

AANG (pausing his flailing to pat KATARA on the back) Don't worry, you're doing fantastic! Just keep it up and we'll be at Kyoshi Island in no time! (he resumes flailing)

(the SERPENT begins to struggle again)

SERPENT (shrieking repeatedly) Kikikiki oh-ahhhhh!

Aang couldn't help from snickering. The animal shrieks were one of the few good parts about the show.

KATARA (grunting from the effort) The serpent! It's breaking loose!

AANG To stop it we need to work as a team!

(AANG and KATARA begin to sync their flailing. The SERPENT ceases struggling.)

AANG We did it with the power of teamwork! Yay, go team!

(a prop of Kyoshi Island is dragged in from the side of the stage)

AANG Look over there! It's Kyoshi Island!

(The SERPENT is brought near the shore. The UNAGI spots the SERPENT and makes multiple mating calls, which the SERPENT reciprocates.)

SUKI It appears that the two sea snakes have begun the first phase of their pre-coital mating ritual.

AANG It worked!

(The SERPENT and the UNAGI coil around each other. The UNAGI begins to insert a slimy appendage into the dilated cloaca of the SERPENT and—

"No!" Zuko shouted as he began to throw fire fists. Panicked screaming could be heard from the audience as the walls caught fire and smoke filled the theater. Zuko brought both of his hands together and torched the curtains. Actors and audience alike rushed to the doors. The wooden beams supporting the ceiling crackled and the Avatar and his friends rushed out of the building.

A month earlier…

Long Feng straightened out the sleeves on his robe. He had recently been released from his cell below Lake Laogai. He was currently relishing the quality fabric he was wearing, which was much superior to the coarse leather of his prison fatigues. A Dai Li agent approached him. Long Feng turned to the man and whispered, "Has the script been delivered successfully?"

"Yes, sir," the agent responded. "Pu-on Tim has accepted the script, and the Ember Island Players will put on their first performance within a week."

"Do they know of the script's true origins?"

"No, sir. We gave the script to Pu-on Tim under the alias of a member of the Fan Club of the Avatar. They suspect nothing."

"Good…all according to plan. Bring me the bird."

Another agent walked into the room holding a metal cage. Hawky leveled his piercing eyes at Long Feng's bald head and flapped his wings in irritation. Long Feng slipped a paper into the messenger hawk's pouch then turned to the two Dai Li agents standing before him.

"Release the bird outside. I'm sure it'll find the Avatar soon enough."

Hawky's cage was carried outside. The cage door swung open. After a moment of hesitation, Hawky stepped out and took to the sky. Long Feng snickered as the bird disappeared into the clouds.

Author's Note: This story is the result of a lost GamePigeon bet with my friend, who forced me to write a story based on this prompt: "It's after the war but the Unagi is destroying Kyoshi island and Aang has to go and stop it. He brings the whole Gaang and they end up in a court case about the Unagi's divorce. And Zutara is a thing." Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find a way to integrate a courthouse scene, so I bent the prompt a tiny bit to accommodate. I hope you enjoyed reading this. My friend probably didn't.