Author's Note: Happy April Fool's Day! This is a short one shot and is being published complete. It's set sometime in the late 1950s. I hope it makes you laugh!

"Edward?" Jasper asked, politely knocking on his bedroom door despite knowing that he wasn't doing anything embarrassing or private at the moment. One of the perks of both vampire hearing and being able to read emotions. Though they had been with the family for a few months now, he wanted to respect everyone's privacy.

"Come in, Jasper."

"And Alice." Alice added.

"And Alice." Edward corrected. "What's on your minds?"

"Why do you ask if you already know the answer?" Jasper asked, curious, knowing that he could read his every thought and already knew why they were there.

"To be polite, of course." Edward smiled.

"So, you'll help us?" Alice asked.

"Why do you ask when you know that I will, dear sister?" Edward smiled, quickly learning to love Alice despite their rocky introduction when she tried to move into his room while he was out hunting. Alice and Jasper smiled in return. "So, tomorrow is your first day of school. Do either of you remember going to school before?"

They both shook their head 'no.'

"Alright," Edward continued. "There isn't a lot to it. Just be polite and do as the teacher says. Make sure that you move slowly, breathe, blink, fidget, etc. just like we went over before we went out in public together for the first time. I know you both hunted earlier."

"Yes." Jasper agreed.

"The coursework will be easy if you even partially pay attention to it. You both have your backstories ready to answer questions if anyone asks?"

"We've rehearsed them until they sound natural." Alice answered.

"Good. And you've both practiced using pencils and things without breaking them. The pile of them in the trash can attest to that." Edward grinned at them. "Now, it's going to be a little weird if you don't know at least some of the popular culture, so I'll show you a few things, but let me warn you…the 1950s has certainly not been my favorite decade so far, but it's tolerable."

He grabbed a record from his shelf and sat it on the player, carefully laying the needle in the right spot on top of it.

"Edward!" Alice laughed, jumping up to stand beside him. "We both know who Elvis is. We aren't completely oblivious."

"Good. I don't much care for him anyways. He's much too vulgar."

"Vulgar how?" Jasper asked, studying Edward carefully. He always wanted to understand both sides of everything.

"He does all kinds of dancing and shaking his hips and just…" Edward shuddered.

Alice giggled and helped herself to another record off the shelf. "What about Johnny Cash?"

"Yeah, he's not so bad." he said, changing out the record and letting it play as they talked. "As far as television goes, you can always say that your previous family couldn't afford one. A lot of people still don't have them. They're a waste of time really. You've listened to some of the popular radio shows?"

"Yes! We love My Favorite Husband!" she answered. Jasper agreed. "We'll be fine. I've seen it. We're more worried about interacting with the other kids and well...keeping our diet."

"You watch both of your futures tomorrow and I'll keep an eye on your thoughts too in case anything pops up. Which reminds me…humans have some…uh-bodily functions we should probably talk about." He ran his fingers through his hair and looked away shyly, not wanting to discuss such a thing with a lady but knowing that he needed to help them prepare for the day ahead.

"I've seen most of this conversation already in a vision if that helps."

"No, it doesn't." he shook his head and laughed nervously. "This might be better coming from Carlisle, but I'll try. Alice, do you remember anything about being human and some of your bodily needs?"

"Well, I told Jasper that we might need to pretend to use the restroom once in a while. Say that we have an upset stomach or something like that on occasion."

"Yes. What about anything particularly feminine?"

"Powder my nose?"

"No. You do that anyways although you know you don't need to."

"Sneak away to adjust my bra?"

"No."

"Fix my lipstick?"

"No."

"Sorry. I'm not sure."

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and looked away from them, unable to make eye contact for this discussion. "Alright, well once every few weeks or so, girls, women, of a certain age-"

"Get horny!" Jasper said, enjoying making Edward embarrassed a little more than he should have, given the circumstances.

"No! God, no. Well, yes. No. Ugh!" he clenched his fists and tried to fight the urge to just run away and let them handle their own problems.

Jasper laughed and took away the embarrassment with his emotional influence. "Sorry. You're too easy to mess with."

Edward looked pointedly at Jasper. "They menstruate. Bleed. And we can smell it. It doesn't smell appetizing though because it's dead. But you should never comment on it. That isn't something we should know."

"Alright." Jasper nodded.

"They make all sorts of digestive noises. Their stomachs growl when they are hungry or after they eat too much. They belch. They….pass gas." he shuddered. "Although, I guess I should educate you all on slang, so they don't catch you off guard. Ugh! Now I see why Carlisle went to work early."

"Don't you love us?" Alice pouted.

"You both know I do. But we are much too mature for this type of stuff. Going to school, studying, it was fun at first. I enjoy reading and a little bit of debate, but it's worn out its welcome. Nothing good is ever going to come of school other than us staying put a while longer."

"Jasper and I don't remember ever going to school. Please, big brother. We'll behave." she promised.

"I'll try."

"Wait." Jasper said. "Please elaborate on the 'pass gas' part."

"No."

"How am I going to recognize it if I don't know what kind of gas they're passing? And where from?"

Edward looked towards the sky in an expression as old as time, the classic, 'why me, God?'

"From their bottoms. Digestive gasses."

"Digestive gases?"

"Yes."

"What type?"

"Normal ones! I don't know!"

"And they call it passing gas?"

"The slang terms they use are things like toot, gas, fart, but most of them won't mention it and neither should you! Except when the guys are alone. They are almost…proud of it. In groups of men alone, they want to be complimented on their particular…stench, potency and sound."

Jasper laughed loudly and Alice giggled alongside him.

"It's not funny!" Edward snapped. "It's gross."

"I bet you didn't think so when you were human." Jasper said.

"I would never be so improper!" he insisted.

"I wish I knew at least one of your childhood chums so I could call them up and ask them. Hey, did Edward Masen enjoy farting with all the other boys?"

"Ugh!" Edward shouted.

"So, I should compliment the males, when alone, on the – uh, volume of their gas?"

"No!"

"You said they liked that."

"They do."

"So why shouldn't I?"

"Because it's improper."

"But wouldn't complimenting them help me fit in better? You said I should also mention the smell? What do they smell like?"

"They aren't pleasant."

"Why not?"

"I'm changing the subject." Edward groaned. "Please try to keep your vulgarities to yourselves if you want my help."

"We promise." Alice assured him, putting a hand on her husband's arm.

"They use some weird terms. Jasper and I are attractive to them. They will probably call us dreamboats. They use pet names for each other like daddy-o. They say things are coolsville, squaresville, weirdsville…A knuckle sandwich means they want to fight. Back seat bingo is rather vulgar. If they ask if you want to do anything you don't understand, just say no. Trust me, I've seen it all in their thoughts."

They both nodded, so he continued. "Let's talk about food. Try to not eat if you can help it, because you will just have to choke it back up later. It's rather uncomfortable. But you might get asked what you like to eat. Popular dishes are things like meatloaf, tuna casserole, hamburgers. I think Esme has a few cookbooks downstairs for appearances that you might can look through."

"What do the kids eat at lunchtime?" Alice asked.

"Sandwiches are pretty common. Peanut butter, turkey, meatloaf."

"Peanut butter turkey meatloaf sandwiches. My new favorite. Got it."

"No, not all at once!" Edward corrected Jasper. "Each their own thing. I'll try to point out what some people are eating tomorrow and name it for you. It's normal to go for sodas and ice cream at the drug store after school. Chocolate is particularly popular with everyone."

"There's a lot to being human."

"Yes. Remember, we can't play sports or anything seriously because they will immediately know we aren't like them. Also, keep your age in mind. You can't say things like 'when I was little' or 'in the 1910s…'"

"So, how did you figure this stuff out?" Alice asked. "Did anything happen?"

"Not too much, thankfully. I can usually hear the type of answer they expect in their thoughts. I had an incident where I broke a baseball bat in gym class once though. They sent a note home telling Carlisle that I had anger issues."

They laughed, knowing that he did, in fact, have a temper. They wouldn't say that to his face though they knew he heard it in their thoughts. They both loved and respected Edward very much and appreciated his help and they both made sure their thoughts sincerely reflected that.

Edward looked at them both. "You'll do fine. Nothing I ever say can truly prepare you for the hell that is high school. Are you ready to go?"

"Let's do this." Jasper said.

"Coolsville, daddy-o!" Alice shouted, making Edward growl with annoyance as she danced out of the room. He couldn't help but love her, though. So, this was what it was like to have a sister. He sighed and grabbed his car keys, heading outside with them for their first day of school.