If only he was five seconds earlier, he would have made it, he would have grabbed her out of the harm's way like he did hundreds of times before, but he was five seconds late and he saw how the car hit his partner's body. A flash of light, a horrible sound of the break and the unhuman scream he didn't first realize was his.
She survived, bloody and bruised, but she was still breathing, he brought her to the hospital, urgent surgery, doctors, her pale face, that all he remembered. He was sitting in the hallway, her blood on his hands, praying to God that she would make it, their friends came in running, Angela threw herself into his arms, weeping, others were shocked and pale, but silent, he called her father to tell the news, he was with Russ and his family and they promised to take the first plane and be there for her. His girlfriend was away, but it didn't matter, in fact he didn't feel like talking to her right now, all that mattered was that Bones survived because if not…No, he couldn't go there, this wasn't an option. They were waiting, waiting for the verdict. The doctor came out of the surgery, his face was tired and sad and Booth knew that this time miracle won't happen.
Braindead, was all he heard out of a long and squinty explanation of what happened. Best case scenario, she will spend the rest of her life hooked up to the machine, no chance of recovery. He was enraged, this man, he didn't know Bones, she will fight, she will wake up, everything is going to be fine. Sweets and Angela were trying to keep him from hitting this doctor, because he couldn't be more wrong. Bones will wake up.
Months have passed, but she wouldn't wake up. Her family, Angela and Booth were with her almost every day. Max was the first one to suggest they let her go, he couldn't keep watching his daughter like that. Unmoving, cold, not talking, not correcting everybody's stupidity. What was that Goodman said once? Compared to her the whole world was a little stupid, then how can this world allow for someone like her to disappear? Rationally, Booth knew that she won't wake up, that she, the one who was vibrant with energy and determination, passion and purpose, wouldn't want to be like that. A little later Angela and Russ got on board with Max, now they were waiting for Booth. They didn't push him, because they all knew the truth, her death would hit him the most as bizarre as it was. True, things were complicated, even more complicated than before, there were things unsaid and said, him trying to move on, to prove to the world and himself that he could love someone else. What an anecdote. He was clutching her cold hand and silent tears were running down his handsome face. He was now talking to her, saying things he wished he could say before, knowing that even though that she would dismiss him, she could hear him. He was mad at her too, if only she gave him a chance, just one chance, maybe things would have been different. Maybe, instead of her being here, they would finally find a way to each other. He looked at her and it was the same feeling he experienced the day he met her, he saw their life together that could have been, lazy mornings, endless debates, fights and making love, their home and children that should have been born. If only she gave him a chance.
The funeral was over, it was big, Temperance Brennan was a respected and accomplished scientist, a famous author, a lot of people wanted to say good-bye. But there were just a few who would truly mourn her, who knew what a generous heart she really had. Her family, friends and co-workers, her partner, who went through so much with her, whose life she saved on more than once and who failed to save hers. Max blamed him, he accused him of trading his daughter for someone else, accused him of abandoning her, being an unworthy partner. The truth was Max didn't have to throw it to his face, Booth was already there. Days and nights the guilt was eating him up, his girlfriend was trying to help him, but he shut her down and she left, he barely acknowledged that, because nothing could compare to the loss he felt. Sweets was trying to help, Angela and Cam were trying to talk to him, but it wasn't working. He gambled and drank and that what numbed him, at least for the night, until the morning would come and he would start over again. Guilt, unrequited love, loss and death, that's was his life now.
**********************
Angela called him, asking him to come to Brennan's place. She and Hodgins volunteered to clean it up and invited him too. He didn't want to come, that place was her all over and it was just too much. But he owed her, this was the least he could do. Angela was now visibly showing, he knew that she would be fine eventually, no matter how much she loved Brennan, she had a loving husband and a growing child that needed her. All people he knew would, no matter how much they cared about Bones, would move on some day. Russ had his own family to take care of, Max would cling to him and they will find a way to accept their loss, just like they did with Christine Brennan. Sweets, Hodgins, Cam and other squints would honor her with their work, things she taught them and helped them with. The only person who is damaged beyond repair, irreversibly broken was Booth.
They cleaned up her countless books, artifacts and papers. Her clothes still smelled of her fruity perfume, Booth found the Smurf he gave her years ago and his heart broke once again, the flashes of them skating, laughing, joking, running, her being adorably confused about something so simple, him being completely lost at her explanations of yet another fact, all that hit him. He bit his lip in order not to scream. He heard Angela calling him, she and Hodgins were staring at him now. Angela was clearly crying just now, she gave him a folded old piece of paper and he couldn't understand why this particular thing held any significance.
'What is it?' he asked.
'Something you should read, Booth. On your own,' said Hodgins, his eyes were wet too.
'What is it?' he repeated his question.
'A note. To you,' said Angela wiping her tears.
'Have you read it?' asked Booth angrily. He knew it wasn't fair, but if this note was for him, they had no right. This was his.
'No,' Hodgins reassured him. 'But I think I know what it is, I recognize it…from when the Gravedigger took us.'
'What? How?' Booth's heart crushed again.
'When me and Brennan were in that car, before we decided to blast our way through, we each…We wrote a good-bye note to someone. Just in case. I wrote to Angie and Dr B wrote to you, I guess.'
He was on his third glass of scotch. He couldn't bring himself to open that note. It was four years since the Gravedigger buried Hodgins and Bones, four years since their team managed to find them. So much happened since then, good and bad and now the worst was happening and Booth knew that was the last thing Bones would ever tell him. Her last words to him, outdated, but fitting given the circumstances. He gulped in another glass and slowly opened the old piece of paper. He recognized her hand immediately, even in the face of death her handwriting was perfect and clean.
"Dear Agent Booth, you are a confusing man. You are irrational and impulsive, superstitious and exasperating. You believe in ghosts and maybe even Santa Claus and because of you I've started to see the universe differently. How is it possible that simply looking into your fine face gives me such joy? Why does it make me so happy that every time I try to sneak a peek at you, you're already looking at me? Like you it makes no sense, and like you, it feels right. If I ever get out of here, I will find a time and place to tell you that you make my life messy and confusing and unfocused and irrational and wonderful."
The rain was just as bad as the night Booth lost what mattered most to him. And now he was yelling at the gravestone, he could barely stand from consumed alcohol, he barely remembered getting there and now he was yelling at his partner's grave. He accused her of dismissing something wonderful that could have been between them, for getting herself killed. The words from her letter burned in his feverish mind. He hated her for dying and leaving him behind and never letting him know her last secret, he hated that this love he felt for her was now destroying his life. He begged her to come back to him, but there was no answer.
A universe away, Seeley Booth woke up from a terrible nightmare. It was an old one, the one he had years ago, after Bones almost got into a car accident, they night she told him how she felt and that she made a mistake letting him go. Things happened after that and even though it was not always easy, they were there now, together, in their home. His beautiful wife, his head-strong Bones was sleeping peacefully. Parker was visiting and all their children were safe in their beds and the world seemed better than ever. Booth hugged her gently and as always, even in her sleep, Bones felt her husband's arms around her and leaned in slightly. The nightmare felt so real, that Booth could feel his heart in his throat. He held his wife even tighter, feeling her warm body soothing him back to sleep. If only he was five seconds later.