Chapter 1: So I got the results of the test back
"I´m afraid I have some bad news, Mrs. Cartman"
A very simple phrase. A few words put together. It´s amazing the power that so short a sentence has on a life, specially such a common one with such a wide variety of meanings. She heard that phrase many times from teachers, saying one of her kids is suspended from school. Maybe she could have heard it from a police officer, saying her husband has been arrested for aggravated assault. Maybe she could have heard it from her boss saying she would be fired.
Right about now, Wendy Cartman would have gladly accepted anyone of those possible meanings instead of the one that lay before her. As horribly powerful as the previous sentence was, nothing could have prepared her for the one that followed it.
"I´m afraid you have breast cancer"
"I see" was all she could say in response to that.
"As of right now, we don´t know how severe the cancer is, but I would urge you to schedule additional exams to get a better understanding of it. I understand this is hard to hear, but the important thing right now is to move fast so we can start treatment as fast as possible."
"Ok" She said, still in shock. It all felt so unreal. Like she was hearing about someone else. "I´ll talk to my husband and…" She trailed off. FUCK! She actually had to tell Eric about her breast cancer, didn´t she?
The universe just needed it´s fun, didn´t it? It couldn´t simply give her lung cancer from what little she smoked in college, or liver cancer from the frozen foods she eats when she´s out of time. She has an entire body, full of parts that could go cancerous instead of her breasts. But no, the universe loved it´s own fucked up sense of irony way too much and just HAD to give her the one type of cancer her husband liked to make fun of. It was simply too hilarious to pass up.
Yes, he mellowed out since he was young, but to this day he couldn´t miss out on the opportunity to crack a little horribly inappropriate joke here and there. Just this morning when they were leaving the house, he said "So after you get yourself checked for killer boobies, we go buy the stuff for thanksgiving with the Jews."
Those little horrible jokes were so natural to him that she didn´t even notice most of the time. It was just… him. Just one of the million horribly wonderful things that made him the man she fell in love with. She´s 90% sure that most of the time he just does it to get a rise out of her. He´s definitely gonna drive himself crazy flinging inappropriate jokes to the walls when she´s not there to…
"Wow, let´s not go there yet!" she says to herself "let´s just… tell him and talk this through before I start thinking about that"
As she opens the door to her house, Cartman is playing videogames and eating chips. She takes in the beautiful image of the man-child before her. And she really does her best not to think about it, but she just can´t help herself. The thought crosses her mind before she even has time to push it back. 'How many more instances of walking through that door and seeing him doing something ridiculous do I have left?'.
He´s laughing as he pauses and turns to look at her.
"Hey ho. No killer titties?" How many times has he said that before? Literally every time she does a mammogram, he receives her with the same sentence. And she always gives him a sarcastic response. This time, she can´t even speak. She´s doing her best not to crumble in front of him.
"Ho?" He asks as he walks closer to her. She´s losing the battle against tears but hasn´t given up yet. That´s not who they are. They DO NOT cry themselves dry. They mock each other and then come up with a solution. That´s how they solve things. She DOES NOT panic.
But he knew her too well. He knows what that face means. And usually, he´d try mocking her into going back to normal, but this time he doesn´t. How can he get her to normal when he´s not normal?
"Funny you should ask…" She says as she finally loses the battle to tears. He pulls her close in a hug. He stays quiet, because for once he has nothing to say. He has no idea of what he can say to that. 'Well, that´s it, Wendy. You´ve finally shut him up. All it takes is a deadly disease', she thinks.
He moves away from her, shaking. The thing about Eric Cartman is that he doesn´t really know how to be sad, so he just gets angry. He punches the nearest wall with all of his strength saying "FUCKING BITCH!"
He sits down and straightens out his hair. She sits with him, tears still in her eyes. He stays quiet for a second before finally talking.
"How serious is it?" he asks.
"They don´t know. I have to do a few exams to know that" She answers
"Okay, so I´m calling our health insurance for that. Is there anything we can do right now?"
"I´m not sure. It all happened so fast… I couldn´t focus" She said
"Okay, so after the health insurance, I´m calling that bitch doctor of yours to get some fucking answers. Do you have the exams? I´m gonna ask Butters and Bebe to check ´em, see what they think." He says, as he goes into what she likes to call 'Cannot-possibly-fail´ mode, which is usually how he deals with bad news right after the ´I don´t know how to be sad so I get angry´ part.
"Unless…" He stops for a second, considering what he just said. "Unless you wanna hold off on telling people."
She thinks for a second about it. They have a right to know, don´t they? Kenny, Butters, Stan, Kyle, Rebecca, Bebe… They´re family, right? Her family has a right to know if she has cancer. But if she tells them, all of a sudden it all becomes real. She´s gonna turn from "badass" to "cancer patient" in a matter of seconds. Does she really want that to happen so fast?
"Can we just…" she stops, carefully constructing her next sentence. "Can we just pretend I don´t have cancer until tomorrow?"
"What the fuck does that even mean?" He asks
"Please" She says "Just let me have tonight"
He knows what she means. And in a way probably no one else would. She wanted a last night as ´Wendy´. One more night without those pity eyes coming from everyone. The unbelievable sadness everyone is gonna throw her way once they hear about. One more night before she becomes ´Cancer patient Wendy´. Fine, then. If she wants one last night, he´s gonna give it to her.
"Fine" He says as he takes a deep breath. "But I´m calling every medical asshole on the book first thing in the morning."
Yes, she had no doubt he would. She remembers how he was when her mother had it, three years ago. He basically got her mom everything she needed by calling every number and screaming at them until he got what he wanted. That´s one thing she loves about her husband: he stops at nothing when he sets his mind to it. Ever since he was a child, he always got what he wanted by any means necessary. ´Cannot possibly fail´ mode is what got them through every hardship the world has thrown their way. It´s what got her out of the sadness that came after her mom died.
She was glad to have this last day without it, though. She needed them to be just "Eric and Wendy" one last time. Tomorrow would come with a new horrifying title for them both. "Wendy Cartman, Cancer patient" and "Eric Cartman, support system". She honestly didn´t know what was worse: the looming threat of death over her death or all the pity she would receive. She was Wendy fucking Cartman, god damn it! She wasn´t a weak cancer patient, she was a force of nature! She doesn´t stay in bed all day, she crushes her enemies by sending them into the sun!
"So, we have to meet the Jews in one hour. I´m guess that´s enough time for sex and a shower" Cartman said. "I´ll wait for you in bed naked"
"Just the shower. If we have sex, we´re gonna be late" She answered
"I know, I just wanted you to validate my awesome stamina in bed" He replied
"Keep talking and it´s no sex after the groceries either" She spat trying to hold back the laughter
They did end up having sex when they came back. After all, Cartman was completely insufferable throughout the whole ordeal, making no less than 36 inappropriate remarks targeted at Kyle, called her as some variation of "prostitute" 25 times, insulted the cashier, insulted the waiter in the restaurant where they went after dinner and even gave Rebecca a few remarks to boot. They had an epic screaming match on the car, resulting in Wendy slapping him and a heavy make out session which ended in bed.
All beginning when Kyle showed him a brand of wine asking them if they should take it.
"Hey Cartman, isn´t this the wine that Wendy likes?" He said, holding the bottle up.
It was a trashy wine Wendy couldn't get enough of, for some reason. No one else drank that, just her. But since he wasn´t entirely sure if Wendy could drink at all, with the killer boobies' situation, he didn´t want to spend money on it, so he resorted to insulting Kyle to change the subject. And sure, on one hand, he was kinda glad to have a friend that knew his family well enough to remember their favorite beverages.
On the other hand, though, "Why the fuck do you know what kind of wine my wife drinks, you fucking jew? Are you perving on her?"
"Everyone knows she drinks this cat piss of a wine we always have to buy, you fat fuck" Kyle retorted.
And everything just escalated from there. After the liquor store they went to a restaurant, had a very long dinner, had a few drinks (minus Wendy) still fighting the whole way. The make out session started right after they unloaded the goods on Kyle´s house, who exited the car shouting "GO TO HELL, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!" as a goodbye.
That´s just how everyone in their circle operated for the past 43 years of knowing each other: random insults paired with hanging out. She was 100% sure that this dynamic just had it´s last day. Tomorrow, during thanksgiving dinner, they would all change around her. They would all go overboard trying to support her during this horrible thing.
She was glad to have this one last night though. One last night of normalcy before the storm. 'Maybe the last one ever' she thought darkly to herself. She tried her best to avoid thinking about the very real possibility of death, but there was only so much she could do lying in bed in the dark, while her husband tried to sleep.
"Hey bitch" Her husband called looking at her.
It seemed like a million possible phrases passed his mind all at once. She knew him better than most people, so she knew for a fact he was trying to think very carefully about what to say. He might be thinking of something supportive, something funny, something heartwarming…
In the end, he just decided to say "Don´t wake me up tomorrow. I´m gonna need a lot of sleep after this" and pulled her closer to him.
Maybe he wouldn´t change. And maybe she didn´t want him to.