Jay blinked his eyes several times. Every other feature on his face was like a statue, unmoving. His jaw was parted and hung open— a perfect picture of shock and disbelief.
"I'm sorry." Sympathy was evident in all parts of the Commander. The downward tilt of her mouth, the deflated way she was standing and the sad tone of her voice as she relayed her condolences to the team.
The team remained still as they processed the information. They were literally stunned into silence. Getting a call in the middle of the night from the Commander was never a good thing so Jay didn't know what to expect when he made his way down to the district at the instruction of Commander Crowley. The most obvious assumption was that a case jumped off and Intelligence was needed. A more controversial— yet just as likely as the first— guess was that Voight had toed the line again and everyone else was getting dragged into his mess….again.
But never in a million year, Jay would have expected this.
"How?" Atwater was the first amongst them to snap out of his shock and asked the question that they all had.
"We're still gathering details as to what happened but the cause of death was smoke inhalation," Crowley replied. "Do you guys know what he was doing at the warehouse?" She narrowed her eyes when all she received was a resounding 'no'. "We want to give due diligence to this and that means we need all the information there is. There's no point in hiding anything. So I'll ask again. Do any of you know what Sergeant Voight was doing at the warehouse earlier tonight?"
"No!" Jay answered for the group, his answer more stern than the stunned shake of the head from earlier. He stood up from where he was leaning on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms. "You can ask us a million times and you'll get the same answer every time. None of us here know why Sergeant Voight was at the warehouse tonight."
Crowley didn't look pleased by the sharp words but she just pressed her mouth together and swallowed down the anger. "If you find out anything then you know where to find me." She started to leave but stopped just before at the top of the staircase. "I really am sorry for your loss. Sergeant Voight was a good man."
With those parting words, she left. Everyone just stood still, not really knowing what to do or how to process the information.
"Voight's dead?" Kim broke the silence. "He's gone? Just like that?"
"How is that even possible? It's….Voight." Hailey said what they were all thinking. To them, Voight had seemed indestructible. He was someone that was supposed to save them when they were in trouble. He wasn't supposed to be taken out by something as pedestrian like a fire.
"What was he even doing at the warehouse anyway?" Adam asked and Jay felt unsettled when all eyes fell on him like he had the answers. The fact that everyone in the unit expected him to know didn't sit right with him. He wasn't Voight's friend. He wasn't Voight's boy. He barely was able to work with the old man without getting into fights. While he had a begrudging respect for his Sergeant, Jay didn't like the feeling of people thinking it had been more.
"Beats me," he shrugged and left it at that. He clenched his jaw when Adam looked like he had something more to say but the other man quickly backed down. Jay exhaled, not liking that reaction either. He didn't want people he considered his friends to be scared of him. He didn't want to intimidate them or make them think he was someone they couldn't talk to. That was Voight. This wasn't him. Then again, Jay hadn't been feeling like himself for a while now.
It was hours later when they were finally able to go down to the hospital where Voight was pronounced dead. None of them had any clue why Voight was at the warehouse or why it had gone up in flames. The only thing Jay knew for sure was that it wasn't related to any of their current cases which meant Voight was doing his own thing on the side. As usual. Only this time, Voight had gotten himself killed.
There were conflicting emotions stirring in Jay and he hated it. Voight was his Sergeant, a man that he respected deep down. He should be saddened by the older man's death. But anger had gotten into the mix and that also gave way to guilt because Voight was dead and Jay was mad at him for it.
"This feels so weird," Kim spoke. "Are we really about to do this?"
Kevin turned from where he was ahead in the hallway and reached to pull Kim to his side. "We got to say goodbye."
Jay watched as Kevin offered Kim support, Adam joining them. He felt Hailey come next up next to him and gave him an inquiring look.
"You alright?" she asked, carefully studying him. Jay just nodded, his mouth unable to give her a verbal reply. She patted his shoulder comfortingly as they continued to make their way down to the hospital morgue.
They stepped inside the morgue and Jay's breath sharpened when he saw Voight's body laid up on the table. From where Jay stood, Voight looked peaceful. Like he was just sleeping. It was the most still Jay had ever seen of the man. But when he stepped closer, Jay saw the burned marks on his body, evidence of the fire that had killed him. The vulnerability and fragility of life on display in front of him.
He heard Kim choked back a sob and Kevin said a small prayer but his mind was too occupied to process everything. As thoughts ran through Jay's mind, he clenched his fists, the urge of wanting to punch everything in sight grew stronger by the second. He took a few staggered breaths to reign himself in. Chicago Med was already looking the other way regarding their protocols so Intelligence could come and see Voight. Jay didn't need to abuse their special privileges any further by destroying the hospital's property. He felt hands on his back and he turned his head to find Hailey give him a sympathetic smile. But nothing broke through and Jay just knew he just needed to get out of there immediately.
"I'll see you guys outside," he quickly muttered before he walked out of the morgue. He leaned against the wall as soon as he got out of the room and he shut his eyes. He didn't understand why this was affecting him so much. He didn't like Voight. Not really. The man was a constant pain in the ass, always barking orders and watching Jay's every step like a hawk. Mutual respect and professionalism summed up their working relationship and camaraderie wasn't even part of the equation. Yet here he was, feeling like he wanted to go on a warpath and trying his hardest to keep himself together.
A few more deep exhales later, the rest of his team joined him in the hallway and they circled around each other.
"What do we do now?" Hailey asked, sounding lost. "Do we just…"
"I don't know about you guys but I want answers. I need answers," Adam spoke up. "Why he was at the warehouse, how the fire got started. I need to know everything."
"Same." Kim nodded along with Kevin. Jay still had his head propped up against the wall and he just kept quiet as he looked at his team with hooded eyes.
"Let's go get some answers then," Adam said, taking charge as they headed back upstairs to get more information. Jay closed his eyes for a brief second and took another deep breath. Only then, did he push himself off the wall and followed.
Hours later— long after they had gotten all the information they were ever going to get— Jay was still at Chicago Med, unable to go home just yet. He told himself that it was because he needed more answers than they were given and since Intelligence was barred from the crime scene, Chicago Med where Voight's body was at was the next best place for him to be at.
It wasn't like he found himself turning at every new voice that entered, thinking it might be her. Jay wasn't even sure he wanted to see her. He wasn't sure if he was ready to deal with what it would mean to see her again. He was here for Voight and only Voight.
His team was long gone aside from Kim who took one look at him when he said he wasn't ready to leave yet and without saying another word, she had decided to stick to him like glue. As if Jay would run off and do something rash if she didn't. Jay was torn between appreciation for Kim's concern and annoyance towards her knowing looks she sent his way.
"I don't think we're going to get any more answers here. Maybe we should go home? Get some sleep?" Kim suggested after she tried to hold back a yawn. The chairs were uncomfortable as always, like the hospital was trying to make sure no one would want to linger in the waiting room longer than necessary. But Jay just leaned back further into his seat, a defiant act to show Kim that he wasn't ready to go just yet.
"You go ahead. I'm going to stay and see if there's any more news."
"Jay, there's not going to be any more news. At least not from here." Kim placed her hand over his and by the small sigh that came out of her mouth, Jay was pretty sure he knew what Kim was about to bring up. Or more specifically, who. "I tried to call her earlier but I just got her voicemail. So I left her a couple of text messages."
There was no need to specify just exactly who Kim was talking about. The careful and almost hesitant tone of Kim's voice made it loud and clear. It was the same tone of voice Kim used when she asked him if Erin liked New York when she caught him staring at Erin's empty desk longingly and it was the same hesitant look in her eyes whenever she had to bring Erin's name up in conversations.
"Maybe she's out on an assignment and hasn't gotten the news yet," Kim reasoned, trying to come up with excuses of why Erin wasn't responding to her calls and texts. Any excuse to avoid having to accept the most likely one— Erin just didn't want to talk to them.
"Or maybe, she did get the news and she just doesn't want to talk to you," Jay said bitterly.
"Jay." There was a hint of reproach in her voice at Jay shattering all illusions with his sentence. He wasn't proud of his comment nor did he like the bitterness that came out with it, especially after he saw the way Kim was looking at him. A cross between a rebuke and pity.
"Yeah, I'm sorry," he muttered. He sat up straighter in his seat and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Voight is like her father."
"Was," Jay corrected. "He was like her father." After all, present tense was for people that were alive.
"He was like her father. She can't not come." Jay just nodded. Kim was right. It was one thing for Erin to keep her distance and stay in New York when Voight was alive. But it was another when she'd receive the notification that Voight had died. She was Voight's last remaining family and Voight was her only family.
Jay rubbed his face. "You know, you're right. We have no reasons to be here any longer." He stood up. "Let's go."
Kim looked a bit surprised by the sudden change in his decision to stay and she got to her feet. "Are you sure? I can stay if you want to wait for…"
"No," he cut her off with an adamant shake of his head. "Like I said, there's no reason for me to stay." He sighed when Kim just stood in place, making no move to leave, despite her trying to get him to go home earlier. Almost as if she could see through him and knew that he was running. "You know what? I'll just see you later."
Jay turned and quickly walked out of the hospital, his eyes straight ahead, keeping himself from searching for the familiar face in the crowd.
Maybe he was running.
It felt strange to be at the station when Intelligence didn't have a case. They had been put on a temporary hold while the Ivory Tower investigated the circumstances and reasons for Voight's death. Yet, Jay wasn't surprised when he noticed his team's cars in the parking lot. They were probably in the same boat as him. It was either go stir crazy at home without work or come to the station even though there was no case and just do something so he wouldn't feel completely useless. No matter if their hands were tied or not. He contemplated how sad his life was that he felt empty and lost without cases to work on.
Platt was commandeering her desk as usual. But what wasn't usual was the somber look on her face instead of the usual scowl and Jay noticed her discreetly trying to wipe her tears when she thought no one was looking. Everyone was trying to process Voight's death. As complicated of a figure as Voight was, the man made an impact on pretty much everyone at the 21st district. Platt, included.
Jay slowed to a stop at the bottom of the stairs and he stopped himself from going up to the bullpen just yet. He was debating with himself if he really wanted to ask Platt about Erin and whether or not if she had come back to Chicago yet. If anyone had the information about Erin, it would be Platt. He was about to turn and head to Platt's desk when she slammed her folder down in anger and quickly stalked to the back. Jay just turned back and headed upstairs. Everyone deserved a moment of weakness in private.
Everyone was just sitting at their desk in silence when he got to the bullpen, like they didn't know what to do with themselves. Someone had closed Voight's office door and had drawn the blinds shut, almost as if it was too hard for them to look inside and not find Voight there. They all murmured a quiet 'hello' to him when they saw him and Jay just gave them a small nod in return. Jay saw Kim in the break room and headed towards her. She gave him a small sad smile when she noticed him coming in.
Jay joined her by the sink and cleared his throat. "Um, have you gotten in touch with Erin yet?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I talked to her briefly yesterday."
"She's here? In Chicago?"
"Yeah, she's staying at Voight's," Kim told him as she replaced the carafe back in the coffeemaker.
"And um, how is she doing?" Jay asked, tapping his finger on the counter. He hoped that his voice came off as casual.
"I'm not sure. She said she's okay, just trying to process everything," Kim gave him the answer he was expecting. "I told her that I'm there for her if she needs anything but."
"But you don't think she's going to take you up on your offer," Jay finished Kim's sentence.
"Do you think she will?" Kim tossed it back to him. Jay just shook his head. "I think she's talking to Platt about...the funeral arrangements. That's a lot to deal with by herself."
It was but Jay knew Erin. Still felt like he knew her enough to know even after all these years that Erin wouldn't take up Kim on her offer. That she'd just deal with everything by herself, like she always had done. Their conversation was interrupted when they heard Platt come up to the bullpen and addressed them. He and Kim exited the break room so they could hear why Platt was there.
"Do you have any info on the investigation yet?" Kevin asked Platt. So far, they had been kept in the dark about the investigation that Ivory Tower was conducting. They had also been banned from getting anywhere near the warehouse. Information was few and far between, just frustrating them even more. It was their Sergeant that died. Jay knew everyone wanted to get their feet on the pavement, trying to find out just what had led to Voight dying. Who started the fire? Why was Voight at the warehouse without any of them knowing? None of them dealt well with having their hands cuffed.
Platt shook her head. "Not yet. I've been on their asses about it but they're not releasing any information to me or to any of you just yet. What I came up here for actually is to let you know about the funeral." It was only then that Jay noticed the stack of papers that Platt was holding. "It's going to be in a couple of days. All the information is on here."
"Thanks Serg," Kevin said as he helped pass out the papers. "Is there anything we can do?"
"Yeah, is there any way we can help out? I feel useless just sitting here, doing nothing," Adam added.
"Yeah, be there at the funeral to pay respect. That's all we can do," Platt replied dryly.
"Serge," protests went around the room.
"Hey, it's not like I'm any different from you guys. I'm not being kept in the loop by the Ivory Tower or am I doing any more for the funeral than just passing out flyers. I feel just as useless as you guys. But that's what the situation is and we just got to accept it."
"But…"
"Hey, that's enough!" Platt shouted. "Now I know this is a difficult time for us all and we all want to jump into action and strangle whoever was responsible for his death. But sometimes the world isn't fair and we can't just do whatever we feel like it. So the best thing for everyone to do is to just leave well enough alone."
Well, Jay was never good at that.
Which is why he found himself in front of Voight's house that evening. He sat in his car for half an hour, trying to build up courage to get out and knock on the door. He knew who was behind the door and what it would mean to see her again. There was a smarter part of him that knew it wasn't the best idea in the world to be here right now. Yet there was a strong pull to her— one that he tried to ignore but could no longer. She was like a magnet, just the knowledge of her presence in the same town was strong enough to pull him into her orbit.
With one last deep breath, he finally exited his car and started towards Voight's house. He climbed up the few steps and braced himself once more before his knuckles made contact with the door. Anticipation filled him. He found himself wondering how she would react upon seeing him. Would she let him inside? Or would she turn him away just like she turned her back on him years earlier?
He knocked again when nothing but silence greeted him from the other side. For a brief second, dread started to fill him as the thought that she had taken one look out the peephole and was purposely ignoring the unanswered knocks when she saw him there crossed his mind. That maybe Erin didn't want to see him. That she was just fine waiting it out on the other side of the door until Jay gave up and went home.
"Erin?" he called her name, hoping that maybe if she heard his voice— maybe if she heard him say her name— it would break her resolve of keeping him away. Still, there was no response. At least not until footsteps were heard from behind him.
"Jay." The familiar— raspy and distinguishably hers— had him whirling his head around to find Erin coming up the walkway. All thoughts went out of his head at the sight of her. A sight he hadn't seen for five years.
"Erin." Her name was the only word that came out of his mouth. Everything he had prepared to say to her before coming here had abandoned his brain.
"What are you doing here?" Jay was slightly relieved to hear the absence of annoyance in her voice. She seemed just as caught off guard by his presence as he was with her. "Jay." She called his name again when she didn't get a reply.
That finally snapped him out of his thoughts and he cleared his throat to get his voice working again. He slowly descended down the steps towards her, his hands immediately going to help her with the heavy looking things she was carrying in her arms. It was just second nature for him— to help her without her even asking.
"Thanks," he heard her mutter as he took the packets of moving boxes from her hands, not even giving Erin the chance to refuse his help. He tucked them underneath his arm and stood in front of her, both of them just looking at each other. Taking each other in.
She looked slightly older in a good way. More mature. More settled. Like she was content and happy with herself. Aside from the redness that rimmed her puffy eyes, she looked great. Beautiful. He, on the other hand, felt like a mess. The wind blowing around them only worked to make her look even more beautiful, her hair flying and falling into a perfect wave across her forehead. But as for himself, the wind just reminded him just how dry his skin was. His usual leather jacket that covered him from the element was just another reminder that he was still the same old Jay. He certainly didn't feel like he matured or blossomed like Erin had clearly done.
Now it was Erin clearing her throat to get his attention again and she was looking expectantly at him, waiting for him to give her an answer of why he was standing there in front of her.
"I..um...I just wanted to see how you were doing," Jay replied lamely. "How you were dealing with everything."
Erin's mouth curved into a sad smile. "Okay, I guess," she shrugged. "I don't really know. I'm just still trying to get my head around it and process everything."
"Yeah, me too." Only it was hard to process Voight's death when it happened so suddenly and they still didn't know the full story behind it. There were more questions than answers and they had no way of getting them anytime soon. "I'm sorry for your loss." The condolence was cliche and useless as most platitudes were but Jay didn't know how else to convey his sincere apology that Erin had lost yet another person in her life. Her family.
She just returned a small nod. Jay just nudged his free hand inside his pocket and rocked back on his feet, not knowing how to move the conversation forward without possibly overstepping his boundaries.
"Do you want to come in?" Erin nudged her head toward the house. Jay was not expecting the invitation. The most he had allowed himself to expect was for Erin to accept his condolences and he'd be on his way.
"Do you mind?" He watched her carefully to see if she just asked him out of politeness or if she actually didn't mind him coming inside.
"I wouldn't have asked if I did," she returned. "Besides, those things are heavy," she said, referring to the stack of moving boxes Jay was carrying for her.
He followed her up the steps and inside Voight's home. He felt strange being inside of Voight's home again. The place always unnerved him. Before, it was because he was dating Erin and it was never a pleasant experience to go to the home of his girlfriend's father. But now that he was no longer dating Erin, it still felt weird. Because now he knew that Voight would never step inside this place again or that Jay would never sit in front of Voight at the dinner table with sweaty palms as he tried to make the best impression on the older man for Erin's sake.
He lingered awkwardly in the living room, not really knowing what to do with himself. Erin had gone into the kitchen to drop off the things she was carrying. Jay just shuffled closer to the fireplace to look at the picture frames that were resting on the mantle. A small smile crossed his face when he saw the familiar pictures again. Those had always been Jay's favorite part of coming to Voight's house. Pictures of teenage Erin were in their usual places, as well as the same pictures of Erin at her Academy graduation with Camille wrapped around her. Jay always loved getting a peek of how Erin was like before she came into his life. His eyes fell onto a picture that he hadn't seen before. The picture had all the Voights and Erin with their arms around each other, smiling widely into the camera, wearing baseball jerseys. Even Voight had managed to give a smile, only amplifying just how happy they must've been when they took the picture together.
"I think that's my favorite picture of us." Jay hadn't even noticed when Erin came back into the room until she came up next to him, her eyes lingering on the picture.
"It's a good picture," He picked up the frame to hand it to her. She took it and brought it closer to get a better look. "Was it at a Cubs game?"
"Yeah. I hated baseball growing up."
Jay nodded. "Yeah, because they made you play it in school and you hated getting your clothes dirty," Jay recalled when Erin told him that she hated getting clothes dirty because she didn't have a lot of spare clothes growing up nor did she have a lot of money to get them cleaned.
"I can't believe you remember that," Erin said softly. Jay met her eyes and saw an almost amazed look in them. He didn't know why she looked so surprised because of course he remembered. He remembered every small thing she had told him, no matter how hard he tried not to think of her in the last five years. Erin broke the moment by taking a step back to get some distance between them. Jay just released a cough, not wanting to make things awkward.
"What's the story behind the picture?" Jay asked, wanting to bring them back on safer ground.
"As I was saying, I hated baseball. Of course, Hank and Justin loved it. Massive Cubs fans. Camille didn't care either way but she just went along with it to make them happy. So when I first came to live with them and they found out that I hated baseball, Justin couldn't have that."
"So they tried to convert you into a Cubs fan?"
Erin chuckled. "Something like that. They surprised me one day and got the whole family spring training tickets. Even got me a jersey." Jay looked at the matching jerseys the four of them were wearing in the picture and just smiled. "It was the first game I'd ever been to. They knew that Bunny had never taken me to something like that so they made sure my first experience was a special one. Justin claimed that it was so they'd get another Cubs fan but I knew better."
"They wanted to replace your not so good memories with better ones."
"They did," Erin smiled, recalling the memory. "Bought me a hot dog and popcorn. I ate so much that day. Hank almost fell over the seats trying to catch a foul ball for me."
"Did he get the ball?" Jayi asked, the mental image of what Erin said playing in his head.
She shook her head. "The kid in front of us was faster." She laughed. "But it didn't matter though. It was just nice to be there, laughing with each other. It...it was the first time I felt like I was a part of a family."
Jay watched as Erin's voice shook and tears began to gather in her eyes. She was trying to suck them back in but Jay knew she was having a hard time doing so. Her jaw was tense, a tell of hers whenever she wanted to come off as strong and unaffected. Jay wanted to tell her to just let herself go, that she didn't need to put up an act in front of him.
"Erin," he spoke softly, taking a step closer to her as she placed the picture back on the mantle. "They're your family, in every way that mattered."
Erin didn't look at him, instead she kept her eyes on the picture. "And now they're all gone and I'm the only one left behind," Erin whispered, no longer able to hold back her tears. She turned her back to him and quickly walked over the window. Jay saw her shoulders shook gently as she tried to hide herself from him, not wanting him to see her cry. Jay didn't need to see her tears to know that she was in pain. The way her body shuddered and the soft sobs were enough to stab his chest. He never could stand to see Erin in pain.
He approached her by the window and he gently placed his hand on her shoulder and turned her around as slowly as he could. Erin was too tired to put up a fight and she turned, allowing Jay to see her face. Tears were falling freely down her cheeks and she brought her hand up to wipe them away as much as she could but Jay caught her hand with his own to stop her.
"Jay," Erin whispered his name when his finger brushed over her quivering lips before he pulled her into his arms, tucking her head under his chin. He held her tight, holding her strong against the heavy sobs that left her shaken. He shushed comforting sounds into her hair as he buried his hand into her soft strands.
"It's okay, Erin," he promised, even though he felt like he had no right to. But he didn't care right now. His only concern right now was to hold Erin up and to wipe away her tears.
"I can't believe he's gone," Erin muttered repeatedly as she cried into the curve of his neck. Her hands were clutching at his t-shirt, tugging on them in her grief but Jay barely noticed. Instead he was completely focused on her, holding her tighter to him. For a moment, he felt that anger towards Voight again. He was angry at the man for leaving Erin alone, for doing whatever off the book thing he was doing at the warehouse that caused him to be taken away from Erin's life. But when he felt Erin's tears wet his skin, he pushed aside that anger to focus on her.
He felt his own eyes begin to water and he closed them as before more tears escaped down his face. They stood there for god knew how long, just clinging onto each other as grief filled the room.
"I'm sorry for falling apart on you like that earlier," Erin said as she handed him a cup of coffee and joined him at the kitchen table. "I'm sure that was the last thing you needed today."
"You don't have to apologize," Jay told her. He glanced around the room, seeing the stack of moving boxes in one corner and a bunch of papers and brochures in a pile on the kitchen counter. He knew that since Erin was the last remaining family of Voight, everything fell on her. To deal with Voight's estate, to make arrangements for the service. It couldn't have been easy for her to deal with everything else while she had to deal with the loss of the only father figure she had in her life.
She noticed him looking around the room. "Yeah, it's sort of a mess in here," she said with a soft chuckle, trying to keep things light. "I've been here for three days and I've pretty much made it messier than Hank ever had it," she joked, mumbling over her coffee cup.
"You've been back for three days?" Erin nodded. He did the calculations in his head and found that Erin had come back to town the morning that they all found out Voight had died. "Were you at…" he stopped himself from asking if she was at the hospital that same morning he was, waiting to catch a glimpse of her. "Never mind."
"Was I at Chicago Med?" Erin asked the question he didn't dare to ask. "That morning?" Jay wondered how the hell she was still able to read his mind like this. "I was."
"You were." He bit his lips. "And did you…"
"See you?" He nodded, confirming the question. She placed her cup on the table and leaned her elbows on the table. "I did."
"I was there. We all were. I didn't see you." Jay was sure he would've noticed if Erin was at Chicago Med that morning.
She dropped her gaze on the table before looking back at him apologetically. "I know. Maggie told me that everyone was there. I just wasn't ready to see everyone just yet."
Jay just pressed his lips together, not knowing what to say. On one hand, he understood where she was coming from. She had just gotten life altering news— devastating one at that. He understood her not being ready to face the people she left behind on top of dealing with the loss of Voight. But on the other, his mind couldn't get past the fact that she had run again. They would've all supported her. He would've supported her. Despite the way they ended, he couldn't lie to himself that he still cared about her. A lot. More than what was probably good for him, in fact. So there was no doubt in his mind that if she had shown her face that morning, they would've done nothing but support her.
Erin must've seen the look on his face because she released a sigh. "Jay, it wasn't….it's not because I didn't want to see you. See everyone. I just needed some time. I had booked the first flight out of New York as soon as I got the call. I was in a frenzy. I was a mess. I wasn't ready to face anyone."
"But you are now?"
A chuckle escaped her, not even a hint of amusement in it. "It's not like I have a choice." For a second, Jay thought she meant him showing up today but as she elaborated, he understood that she was talking about the funeral.
"How are you doing with everything?" Jay asked. "Really." he added, making sure she knew that he wanted her to be honest.
She pressed her mouth together and shrugged. "To be honest, I don't really know. I feel like I haven't really gotten a full breath in since I've been back." She tucked her hair behind her ear. "Seeing Hank on the table was like a blow. But before I can even really process it, Crowly was in my face, going a mile a minute. She kept on grilling me, asking to see if I knew anything about what Hank was doing at the warehouse. What was he involved in."
"Yeah, she did the same thing to us." Jay wasn't surprised by the lack of the sensitivity chip from the Commander.
"But you guys worked with him," Erin explained. "You saw him everyday. I didn't. The last time I even talked to Hank was three months ago on a phone call that lasted five minutes…" Erin's voice cracked. "Because I was too busy to talk to him." She mumbled before she dropped her head.
"Erin." He heard the guilt loud and clear in her voice but he didn't know what to say to make things better for Erin.
"The last words I said to him were 'bye Hank. Got to go." She shook her head. "Not even an 'I love you, Hank' or 'thank you for everything you've done for me."
"You didn't know what was going to happen. Besides, you didn't need to say those words for him to know that you loved him and that you were grateful towards him, Erin."
She nodded, her hazel eyes shining. "I know that but it still would've been nice." She wiped away a few traitorous tears from her face. "Look at me, I'm falling apart in front of you again." She laughed dryly. "Maybe you should go before you have to deal with it again."
Jay's mouth parted, unsure if she was kicking him out or if she was telling him to leave for his sakes. Then he looked at her and saw that she was avoiding his eyes, another tell of hers that she had when she was doing something she didn't want to do but did it for someone else's benefit. In this case, his.
"I'm fine where I am," he refuted with a small smirk. He took a deep breath and tilted his head towards the pile of papers on the counter. "Looks like you have a lot on your plate. Do you want any help?"
Erin seemed a bit surprised by his question. He was sure she must've thought that he'd take the 'out' she offered him. But really, she should've known him better.
"I don't…" Erin stuttered before she pasted a polite yet fake smile on her face. "Jay, thank you for coming here to check up on me. Really, you've done more than you need to, given the way we…." She stopped herself from continuing. "Besides, I'm sure you have much better things to do."
"I don't," Jay immediately shot back. She lifted her brow, skepticism all over her face. "Trust me, Erin." She didn't look like she quite believed him. He sighed. "The unit's been put on hold until the Ivory Tower finishes with their investigation. And as sad as this is going to sound, without work my life is…" he held out his hand. "Wide-open. So let me help." She still wasn't convinced. "Erin, seriously you'll be doing me a favor. Save me from going stir crazy so please, lay it on me!"
Erin just rolled her eyes and scoffed. "You're sure? This isn't going to be fun or interesting. In fact, it might be quite the opposite. I mean, planning a funeral isn't exactly the upbeat thing you need in your life right now."
"I'm sure. What can I do to help?"
Jay watched as Erin remained on the phone, deep in a conversation. By her stance— hand on hip and almost growl-like noises coming out— Jay knew that whatever they were talking about, it wasn't a pleasant conversation. The frustration was practically radiating off of her so if Jay had to guess who was on the other side, Crowley would be at the top of his list.
Thinking he had been staring at her long enough, he just busied himself with the stack of papers in front of him. Erin had a lot done already regarding the service for Voight. Jay had been surprised when he saw that she had declined the option for a police burial for Voight and instead had gone for a regular civilian service. He had not been expecting that.
"Thank you," he heard Erin huffed before she hung up the phone and joined him back at the table. She looked overwhelmed, her cheeks flushed red from either annoyance or exhaustion. Possibly both.
"Everything okay?" he asked, watching her carefully. She just gave him an exasperated look but nodded. "Who was that?"
"Crowley," she replied. "She wanted to make sure that I haven't changed my mind about not having a police burial for Hank."
"Yeah I saw that earlier," he said, holding up the papers. "Why aren't you having a police burial?"
"Hank didn't want one," she stated. Jay furrowed his brow in confusion. "You know Voight. He was never one to get your picture and name in the paper. That apparently extended to death too. He told me a long time ago about his preferences. He just wanted a small ceremony with his family and friends. Not a publicity circus for the force and I'm just trying to make sure I honor that. But Crowley apparently thinks I'm making a mistake, that I'm cheating Hank of something."
Erin rubbed her face and dropped her face in her hand. Jay reached over and laid a hand on her arm. "Hey, the only important thing that matters here is what Voight wanted and if he just wanted a regular small burial, then that's what we'll have."
"So you don't think I'm making a mistake?" Erin asked in a small voice. Jay shook his head.
"I think you're doing the right thing," he told her honestly, meeting her eyes so she could see the sincerity in them. She held his gaze, giving him a small grateful smile. She mouthed a silent 'thank you' and Jay just smiled back, happy that he could help her in this small way.
"So how long are you in town for?" Jay threw out the question, hoping that it came off as casual despite it anything but. He had been at Voight's house for a few hours now— the afternoon turning into night— and so far, he and Erin had been avoiding any overly personal topics. Instead, they had just been working side by side in a comfortable silence as Erin finalized the finishing details for the service in a couple of days. If either of them found it strange that they were here together after everything they'd been through, neither of them commented on it.
Instead, they had shifted their focus on the stack of new moving boxes that Erin had bought. Jay was unpacking them and assembling them so they'd be ready to go for Erin.
"Two months," Erin answered, her voice mumbled as she ripped off a piece of tape with her teeth and handed it over to Jay. "That's the most time off I could get."
He just nodded and taped up another box. "Is that enough time to um...do everything you need to do?" Jay wasn't sure what exactly they were. When his own father passed, at least he had Will to help him, to pack up everything his dad owned and tie up loose ends. But with all the Voights now gone, it was all up to Erin. Even packing up the things in this house seemed like a daunting task to take on by herself.
"Let's hope so."
He started working on another box. "So what exactly do you have to do? Besides, wasting a fortune on moving boxes." She tossed him an annoyed look at his comment. "I'm just saying. You know you could get them for free at like any supermarkets or liquor stores right?"
"I can't believe you're still on me about this," she retorted. "I told you I don't like those boxes because…"
"They smell like bananas. I know," he finished for her. They caught each other's eyes and they both started to laugh. That had been Erin's reasoning for why she was against free moving boxes when Jay moved into her place. Of course, Jay was on the other side, not wanting to spend their hard earned money on something they could've gotten for free. Erin had insisted, stating that she hated the smell of bananas that always lingered from the used boxes and the way the smell transferred to everything in the box.
"It's gross," she stated, scrunching her nose in the adorable way she did whenever she disliked something.
Jay conceded. "Forget those banana boxes and the supermarkets. The real good boxes are at the liquor stores."
She raised a brow. "Liquor stores?"
"Think about it. Liquor stores get shipments of heavy alcohol bottles all the time right?" Erin just gave him a look for him to continue on. "So the boxes that the alcohol comes in are sturdier than these flimsy boxes. And every store has like a ton of them so they are always willing to give you a stack of them for free."
"Since when have you become an expert on moving boxes?" she asked, her hand on her hip.
Unlike the amusement that was on Erin's face, Jay's own face fell at her question. "Since I needed the moving boxes myself," he returned, voice small.
The implications behind his answer was loud and clear and he watched as the smile slipped from Erin's face. Suddenly, it was like the air was sucked out of the room, the previous comfortable atmosphere from earlier gone at him bringing up how he had to move out when she left Chicago.
"Jay," Erin started but she stopped herself, probably because she didn't know what to say. Just like him. They had been trying to avoid bringing up the past and talking about how they ended but apparently that can only be avoided for so long. There was so much history between the two of them, so much feelings and complicated emotions that intertwined them together even after all these years that it was impossible to pretend otherwise.
Jay coughed to get rid of the thickness in his throat. "Anyway, I can give you some helpful tips on how to pack everything up." Erin just kept staring at him, a bit confused by him suddenly changing the topic to safer grounds. But Erin had enough on her plate as is, Jay didn't want to pile more onto it. "Do you know what you're going to do with Voight's belongings?"
Erin watched him for a beat before she replied, "Not yet. I have to go through them and sort everything out first."
"What are you going to do with the house?"
Erin sighed. "I'm meeting with the lawyer tomorrow to go over Hank's will. But unless he had it changed recently, we've discussed it before."
"He's leaving the house to you?" Erin confirmed his guess. "What are you going to do with it? Are you..um...moving back?" Jay caught himself by surprise when he found that he was hoping that her answer would be 'yes'. He had spent so many years burying and ignoring his unresolved feelings for Erin that he hadn't expected to deal with the onslaught of it now that she was in front of him.
"No." Jay hoped that she didn't see his face fall at her answer. "I don't think Chicago has been my home for a long time. Besides I love where I am in my life right now. I love New York. I didn't think I'd love it as much as I do, you know considering my history with the city. But it's great."
Jay felt a bubbling of envy in his stomach as he listened to Erin go on about her life. The thing was that she seemed genuine. Like she was truly happy with her life. Jay tried to think of his life in the same way and found that he was having a hard time doing so.
"So what are you going to do with the house?"
"I'm putting it on the market. I'm meeting with a realtor next week and hopefully, I can get the house sold before I have to go back," Erin filled him in.
"It's got to be hard, putting the house up for sale."
"It is," Erin agreed. "But you know, it's better than just leaving it sitting empty." A fond smile came over her face as she glanced around the room. "You know, I had a lot of memories in this house. Not all of it good but some of my favorite memories happened here. This was the first place I felt safe. Maybe by putting it on the market, I'm giving another family a chance to make their own memories. For another young girl in need of a home to get the safe place she always wanted. But even if none of those things happens and the house just ends up going to a perpetual bachelor, at least the money from the house will be going to someone worthy."
"You are worthy."
Erin chuckled. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Jay but I wasn't talking about myself." Jay gave her a quizzical look. "I'm giving the money from the sale of the house to Danny."
"Oh." Jay had forgotten about Voight's only grandson. The last he heard of Danny, he was with his mom in Arizona. "Danny. How's he doing?"
"I talked to Olive, Justin's widow," Erin reminded him. "I don't think Danny really remembers Voight since he moved away when he was so young. I don't think Hank ever made it out to Arizona once since Olive and Danny moved away. He always wanted to but."
"Work," Jay supplied. It was the same reason why Jay hadn't been anywhere outside of Chicago either. It consumed his life, which was why he didn't know what to do with himself when Intelligence was forced to take time off.
"But Hank loved Danny. That's why he left his savings to Danny and Olive."
"But you're also giving him the money from the house? That's a lot of money." It was a generous amount of money for Erin to give up but Jay guessed he shouldn't have been surprised by the length of Erin's generosity.
"Hank has done so much for me. He gave me a chance at a better life. Everything I have today— my job, my place, my savings— they're all possible because he got me out and gave me a home. I don't need anything else from him. Besides Danny will put it to good use or Olive will until he's 18," she chuckled.
"Are they coming to the funeral?"
"No. Olive got remarried a couple of years ago and she's pregnant. Like I'm talking about to pop pregnant. She's on bed rest so I told her that she should just stay put. I know she's disappointed that she and Danny couldn't come to say goodbye but it's more important that she and her baby are safe."
Jay just watched the woman in front him in awe. Here she was dealing with the loss of the only father figure she had in her life and taking on everything that came with that by herself and still, she managed to put other people first. It was hard not to see how amazing Erin was after spending five minutes in her presence. She was strong, resilient and compassionate.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Erin asked with a nervous laughter.
Jay shook himself out of his thoughts and his mouth split into a smile. "I'm just thinking how amazing you are dealing with everything. How amazing you are in general, actually." Erin's eyes slightly widened when she heard his words, like she wasn't expecting him to say what he said. "You're just taking everything on, by yourself."
"I'm not quite by myself," Erin argued, giving him a meaningful look. "You're here, right?"
A bigger smile threatened to break out on his face. "Damn right."
Jay stepped into the church, his hands in his suit's pocket, and took a quick scan around the room. There were several floral wreaths in front of the room, surrounding a blown up picture of Voight in his uniform. There were a few more smaller flower arrangements scattered throughout but all in all, it was the picture of a small and personal service that Voight wanted.
His eyes searched for Erin and found her to be at the front, talking to the minister. Jay had called her earlier and offered her a ride to the Church, not wanting Erin to be driving today. But she had declined and told him that Platt had insisted on taking Erin. Judging by the close proximity of the Sergeant to Erin, Jay ventured a guess that Platt wouldn't be leaving Erin's side today.
A few people had already arrived, familiar faces from the 21st District. Crowley had extended him a polite smile as he walked past her on his way to Erin. He hadn't seen any of the Intelligence members yet but he had chalked that up to him arriving earlier than the service start time.
"Hi." Erin ended her conversation with the minister when she noticed his arrival and they stuttered awkwardly, both of them unable to decide if a hug was a good idea or not. Nervous chuckles filled the air before Jay stepped forward and pulled Erin in a loose hug.
"How are you doing?" He asked, opting for the question rather than the cliche condolence that she'd be getting a ton of today.
"I'm okay," she replied, her voice raspy and small. They broke apart and Erin tried to smile but all he could notice were her red-rimmed eyes. He didn't need the ability to read her like a book to know that Erin was holding herself together and trying to be strong.
Jay had wanted to check in on her yesterday but stopped himself. He had stayed past midnight the night before and didn't want to get in Erin's way two days in a row. But now that he was looking at her, he was having second thoughts that he should've checked in anyway, no matter if he ended up looking like a fool or not. He squeezed her shoulder comfortingly, only dropping his hand when he felt the heat of Platt's eyes on him.
"Serge," he muttered, tilting his head in a quick greeting to the other woman.
"Halstead." Platt's eyes were boring a hole into him and Jay felt like he was under a microscope, Platt scrutinizing his every action. So he took a step back to put some distance between him and Erin. Erin, too caught up with her own thoughts, barely even noticed.
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"I think we have it all covered," Platt answered. Erin agreed.
"Thank you," Erin whispered before her phone rang. "Sorry. It's Olive." She excused herself, leaving him and Platt alone.
Jay scratched the back of his neck as he and Platt stood there in silence, Jay wondering if it would be deemed rude if he just excused himself and went...anywhere else as long as it wasn't in close proximity with the Sergeant.
"How are you doing?" Jay rocked back and forth on his feet, trying to fill in the awkward silence. Platt just gave him one of her patented unimpressed looks and Jay just grimaced inside, hoping that anyone would come and save him from this moment. His eyes drifted over to where Erin stood in the corner of the room, still on the phone, and he silently urged her to come back to him quicker. She had always been the best buffer between him and Platt. And between him and Voight too. Apparently there was just something about Erin that even the two of the most difficult people Jay had ever known weren't able to resist.
"Hey guys." It wasn't Erin who came to his rescue but the rest of his unit who had just arrived at the Church. Kim pulled him into a hug before Hailey did the same, patting his back a couple of times. Over Hailey's shoulder, he saw Erin looking over at the group with an unreadable expression. Probably because everyone was here and she could no longer avoid them. He caught her eyes and gave her a reassuring look.
After she hung up the phone, she made her way over to the group and greeted them with a small and unsure smile. Kim was the first to step forward and close the bridge between Erin and the rest of the group.
"Erin," Kim sighed as she pulled Erin into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Thanks, Kim," Erin returned, rubbing Kim's arm in a thankful gesture. Then Kevin and Adam stepped forward to do the same, Erin returning the same sentiments.
"Good to see you again, E. Sorry it's not under better circumstances," Kevin relayed. Erin nodded. Jay stood to the side, just watching, all the while thinking in his head that if there were better circumstances, Erin probably wouldn't be here. But he kept that thought to himself, buried along with all other thoughts that were swarming in his head of her return and their interactions these past few days. It was just easier to ignore them for now, at least until after Voight's funeral.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Erin." Hailey and Erin's interaction was awkward and stilted but polite all the same, considering they hadn't really known each other that well before Erin had left town.
"Thank you, Hailey." The smile on Erin's face looked polite to the outsider but to Jay, who apparently still had the ability to read Erin like a book, thought it looked guarded.
"Is there anything we can do to help?" Adam asked.
Erin shook her head. "Thank you but I'm just really glad that you guys are here."
"Of course."
"Let us know if you need anything, okay? We're here for you," Kevin insisted. Jay could tell that Erin was really touched by the offer, that no matter how many years it had been, they still considered her a friend, that they still saw her as one of them.
The church filled up even more with people coming to say their final respects as it got closer to the start time and Erin was busy, going around the room to thank people for coming. Jay just stood to the side and watched, like he was ready to jump in if she needed anything. Evidently, it just seemed to be second nature to him, a skill he could never forget. It was like riding a bike. No matter how much time it had passed since Erin's well-being had been his most important priority, it didn't seem to matter. She had been back in his life only for a few days and he was already back to his old habits. Like a muscle memory.
"How are you doing?" Hailey came up next to him and nudged him with her shoulder to get his attention.
Jay pulled his eyes away from Erin. "Fine." He shrugged to make his point. It wasn't a lie, not really. Sometimes it was hard to believe that Voight was really dead especially considering none of them had any answers yet. Then other times, there was the inexplicable anger that burned his chest when he least expected it. Like it was a threat waiting to weigh him down. But so far, he had managed to keep his head above water so that was a small victory in his book, as far as Jay was concerned. Having Erin to focus on also helped too. It allowed him to direct his attention to something that mattered more than pay his mixed emotions any mind.
"And how's she doing?" Hailey asked, gesturing over to Erin. Jay just looked at Hailey, studying her expression. "Relax, Jay." She rolled her eyes when she saw his skeptical look. "It's an innocent question," she vouched.
"She said she's okay," Jay offered vaguely, still not 100% sure if Erin was the topic he wanted to talk to Hailey about. It seemed like a miracle in itself that he and Hailey had managed to resume their friendship and partnership after their break-up. Jay didn't think it was a smart idea to talk to his ex-girlfriend about another ex-girlfriend.
"And what do you think?" Hailey specified.
Jay thought over his answer, his eyes following Erin around the room. He knew what grief could do to Erin. He had seen what grief had done to Erin in the past. There was still a huge part of him that was worried about what losing Voight would do to Erin, anxious of how she would deal with it and how it would impact her. Watching Erin spiral after losing Nadia had been one of the scariest times in his life. Watching someone he loved hurt herself with no regards for her own life and safety and knowing there was nothing he could do to help was torture.
He had to admit that there was a part of him that had expected to see that Erin right now. To see that withdrawn and cold look in her eyes, that apathetic pull of her lips, and the disconnected body language that screamed nothing could reach her. But there was none of that. Of course, there was sadness and grief that clouded her eyes but she seemed okay. And for that, Jay was more than grateful.
"She seems okay," Jay answered. "I think maybe a bit overwhelmed but who wouldn't be right?"
"Well, she has Platt," Hailey pointed out. "And you." Jay saw the knowing look that Hailey was giving him. He wasn't sure how to reply to that without putting his foot in it. Thankfully, Hailey didn't seem bothered. "It's okay to care about her, you know?" she continued.
"Hailey."
An understanding smile came over her face. "You're my best friend, Jay. That didn't change because of our break-up, just like you can't change the fact that you care about Erin because of yours." Hailey made it sound simple but Jay knew it was anything but. There was no denying— even to himself— that he cared about Erin. Probably more than his own good. But saying it out loud felt like he was putting his heart at risk.
"I do care about her." Jay allowed himself that much.
"And she needs you right now and she's lucky to have you. I hope she knows that." With that, she gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder and took her seat in the pew.
Jay's eyes lingered on Erin as he remained deep in his own thoughts. "She does have me," he muttered to himself, knowing that there was no way he could cease his concern for her and to force himself to stay away and treat her apathetically.
"She has all of us," Platt vowed as she came up next to him. She regarded him with a determined look. "Erin will be just fine. We'll make sure of it."
Jay nodded, determined, and they formed an unspoken agreement between them, casting aside all of their differences for one common thing they had in common— how much they cared about Erin.
The minister called for the service to start and people began taking their seats. Erin headed to the front of the Church and sat in the front row, Platt going to join her. Jay saw his team looking expectantly at him— probably so he'd join them where they were in the second row— but Jay just gave them a quick acknowledgment before he walked over to the front row.
"Is this seat open?" he asked, referring to the other empty seat next to Erin. Erin looked up, a bit caught off guard by his question, and she just returned a small nod. Platt had an approving look on her face as Jay sat down next to Erin and they waited for the service to begin.
And if Platt noticed Jay's hand inching closer to Erin's during the service before he finally got up the courage to intertwine their fingers in a show of support, she didn't mention it.
It was a few days later after the funeral that they finally got the answer they had been waiting for. Intelligence had been summoned to the bullpen so Crowley could fill them in on the results of the investigation.
Jay didn't really know what to expect or what the investigation would uncover. None of them had any idea of why Voight was at the warehouse when it caught on fire, if he was with anyone or if the fire that killed him was arson or just an unfortunate accident. He had thought about giving Erin a call, to let her know what was happening. He wasn't sure if Crowley was going to extend the courtesy of sharing the information with Erin, since she was never the Commander's favorite. But Jay decided against calling Erin just yet. He thought it'd be a better idea to get the information first. That way, if he needed to break the news to Erin gently, he'd have time to think of what to say first.
"Thank you all for coming," Crowley announced to the group as his team looked at one another warily. Crowley had always brought an atmosphere of doom with her whenever she made her presence in the bullpen. Then again, there wasn't an officer in white that Intelligence liked.
"What did the investigation find out? Are we done getting our hands tied?" Adam bravely asked.
The Commander didn't appreciate his comment but she ignored him. "We have concluded the investigation of Sergeant Voight's death. The investigation found that the warehouse fire that was responsible for Sergeant Voight's death was set on purpose."
"It was arson?" Clamors filled the room at the information. The revelation that Voight had been murdered had set them off. "Who set the fire?"
Crowley suddenly looked apprehensive about continuing on sharing the information. She had probably already come up with the worst scenario in her head of what Intelligence would do with the information that one of their own had been murdered. But eager eyes and ears were waiting impatiently.
"It was one of the One-Niners." Crowley held up her hand, quickly stopping the shocked reactions in the room. "We have the suspect in custody. He's being charged with arson and first degree murder."
"A One-Niner." Jay scoffed. A gang member was responsible for Voight's death. Jay knew he should've expected that. For Voight to be involved in something secretive and shady, something that none of his team knew about. Voight thought he was above the rules, that he knew best. Trust and transparency were one-way streets with Voight. He demanded them to be honest with him while he did whatever the hell he wanted behind their back. Jay wished he could be surprised by what Crowley was telling them.
"Why did this guy go after Voight? Was it just an opportunistic thing?" Kevin asked.
"Why do you think Atwater?" Jay interrupted. "What? You think Voight was at the warehouse by accident? That he was just out for an after dinner stroll and got caught in the fire?"
He felt everyone's eyes on him at his unexpected outburst. There was anger and fury in his voice and in his body language. He just scoffed and shook his head. He had no idea why any of them seemed in shock that Voight was involved in something shady….again. It wasn't the first time but it was the last.
"I'm not about to accuse my Sergeant of being dirty, Halstead," Kevin argued.
Jay stood up from where he was leaning against his desk and stared Kevin down. "Because it's so out of character for Voight? Are you forgetting who the man was? Or how he got the job here in the first place?" He turned to Crowley, his arms crossed to stop himself from shaking with anger. "What was it this time? His supply of street cash got tired of paying him and took him out? Voight didn't agree to look the other way this time?"
The small rational part of him knew that he was being unfair and rash, throwing out accusations left and right at someone that was no longer here to defend himself. But the emotional part— the stronger side right now— had just taken over him, blinding him to all rationality until all he could see was anger. His old interactions with Voight when he first started working for the man came rushing back, reminding him of just who Voight was. The one with one set of rules for himself and another for the rest of them. The one that went to prison for being dirty before he finagled his way into being the head of Intelligence by being a mole. The one that had a world of secrets and stacks of cash in his safe in his basement. The one that made a man dig his own grave before killing him. The one that had Erin and Al digging up a body. The one that got Al killed.
"Fuck!" he cursed, slamming his hand on his desk. His breathing was shallow and his whole body heated up with rage. "What was it this time?" he repeated his question.
Crowley looked to be in a state of shock, as the rest of them. But when Jay turned his ire onto her, she closed her slightly agape mouth and crossed her hands behind her back.
"There was another person at the warehouse," Crowley relayed. "A minor. He was rushed to the hospital and he's being treated at Chicago Med for his injury."
Jay narrowed his eyes. "Another person? Who was he?" The word 'minor' clung to Jay's mind. If a kid had gotten hurt because he got in the way of whatever the hell Voight and the one-niner was doing, Jay didn't know what he'd do.
"We had a chance to talk to the surviving victim. He is part of the One-Niner gang who was looking to get out. He told us that Sergeant Voight was helping him do just that. They were meeting at the warehouse so Sergeant Voight could help him get out of CHicago but before he could, the suspect in custody had arrived and got into an argument. As a act of revenge, the suspect set the warehouse on fire, trapping our two victims, before running away."
The sudden twist in the story had Jay reeling. He fell back onto his desk in a slump, the wind knocked out of him.
"Voight was helping the kid?" Kim whispered in surprise. "He got killed trying to help someone get out?"
Jay covered his mouth with his hand and rubbed his chin as he tried to process that piece of information. Voight wasn't doing anything shady. In fact, it was the opposite. He closed his eyes in shame, the harsh words he spat earlier coming back to bite him.
"Is the kid going to be okay?"
Crowley nodded. "The doct are optimistic that he will make a full recovery. Voight made sure that the minor got out first." Jay felt another stab in his chest at that. "We have the suspect in custody so we are closing our investigation."
"So that's it? What's next? What's going to happen to Intelligence now?" Adam asked.
"I understand that this is a trying time for all of you," Crowley spoke, her eyes set on Jay. "For now, I suggest you all take some time off."
"So we're just supposed to sit around and do nothing?" Kevin asked. They all had the same reactions to Crowley's suggestion. They were already going stir crazy these past few days, taking more time off would just drive them all insane. They wanted cases to focus on, people they could help.
"There's always desk duty," Crowley countered. "We have a mountain of paperworks that you can take on."
"When are you taking the handcuffs off of us?" Jay got straight to the point. It was clear that Crowley didn't trust them to do anything right now— especially going out to the field. Giving them the options between time off or desk duty was just busywork, meant to keep Intelligence to the side until Crowley felt they were ready.
Crowley just raised her eyebrow at the blunt question. "I'm doing what I feel is the best for the department. You don't have to like it but you will follow my orders." With that loving sentiment, Crowley started to leave. She paused at the top of the stairs and turned back around. "I know I don't have to say this but I'll say it just in case. The suspect responsible for the arson is in custody. The case is closed. There's no personal vengeance to be had here so I trust that you all won't go searching for it. Otherwise, the temporary time off will become permanent."
The warning in her words was obvious. Either do what Crowley said or Intelligence would be no more. With those final parting words, Crowley descended down the stairs and left.
"So….that's it?" Adam asked, sounding lost. "We're just supposed to move on?"
They exchanged glances with one another, none of them not knowing what to do next. How to move forward without Voight at the helms of Intelligence. It felt like Intelligence was being pushed to the side, the Ivory Tower finally getting the opening to dissolve the unit like they had always wanted to do. Only this time, there was no more Voight standing in their way to do so.
"Desk duty. We're pushing papers now," Hailey said, outraged.
"It's just temporary guys," Kim reminded them in a futile attempt to bring the mood up. But it didn't work and she deflated. "I can't believe Voight died like this."
"He didn't just die, Burgess. He was murdered," Jay spat, Kim bristling at the hostile tone. Kevin and Adam straightened up, like they were ready to jump in front of Kim protectively. Like Jay was someone they needed to protect Kim from.
"I know," Kim offered feebly. "I was just saying…."
"What? What were you saying? That you can't believe that Voight died doing something good for someone else?" Jay argued, voice getting louder. "Huh? Let's just be honest here," he demanded, looking at everyone. "Let's just say what we were all thinking."
"And what would that be, Halstead?" Kevin asked, not scared to confront Jay.
Jay scoffed. "Don't act all noble and righteous now. We were all thinking the same thing. That Voight got himself killed doing something dirty." He was met with silence and he just chuckled derisively. "Not like that would've been something new for him, right? How many times have we looked the other way while Voight did whatever he wanted? How many rumors have we heard about Voight of how exactly he ended up in prison before? We all ignored them, knowing better. So Voight getting himself killed because he got in bed with someone he shouldn't have wouldn't have been a surprise. This? This was the surprise!" he yelled.
They were all looking at him like he had lost his mind, and they backed away like they were almost scared to approach him. Jay had no idea why. None of what he said was a lie. He had just been the only one brave enough to say it out loud.
"Fuck this," he hissed, slamming his hand on his desk before he headed toward the stairs.
"Where are you going, Halstead?" Kevin called after him.
Jay just turned and held his arms out. "Didn't you hear what Crowley said? We're supposed to take time off so that's what I'm doing. You guys can stay here and share heartwarming stories of how much you loved Voight but I'm done."
They called his name, trying to get him to come back but Jay just ignored them all. His boots thumped heavily against the floor as he quickly strode his way out of the station, Platt's attempts to get his attention went unanswered.
An hour of driving aimlessly around later, Jay still felt on edge. There was a war going on in his head. On one side, guilt for his assumptions of Voight filled him with shame. On the other, the feeling of justification that he had assumed Voight had been doing something wrong at the warehouse consumed him. Voight's history spoke for itself and Jay reasoned that anyone who knew about it would've made the same assumption as he did as to what Voight was doing at the warehouse without telling anyone.
The anger that he felt when he first learned of Voight's death made its appearance again, Jay clenching his hand on the steering wheel. He had no idea why he had blown up like that in the bullpen or why he had lashed out at his team. That was unfair and uncalled for. Jay knew he had to apologize but just couldn't find it in himself to do so right now.
Then there was the issue of telling Erin what Crowley had told them. Erin deserved to know what actually happened to Voight. She deserved the peace that came with the knowledge that Voight had been doing a good deed when he lost his life. Jay wanted to give Erin that peace.
So he forced himself to calm down, to push aside his own warring emotions, and he headed to Erin. He wasn't sure if Crowley had filled Erin in but he didn't trust the woman to be forthcoming with information.
He climbed up the familiar steps and knocked, going over how to break the news to Erin while he waited for her to answer. He formed the words in his head, wanting to be gentle as possible when he let Erin know about the circumstances that led to Voight's death. He shoved his hands in his leather jacket's pockets to hide his clenched fists that for some reason, he couldn't unclench.
But all of his efforts went to waste as soon as Erin opened the door. Her eyes were glistening, her nose was red and her face looked like she had been rubbing on the skin. She had clearly been crying earlier and Jay felt all of his anger and turmoil from earlier wash away at the sight of seeing an emotional Erin. Concern took over him and he stepped inside her house, his eyes frantically searching for whatever imagined monster that had made Erin cry.
"Jay, hey," Erin called, trying to get his attention. "What's going on?" she asked, confused by his agitated state. He knew he must be coming off like a crazy person right now, just barging into her home like this. "Hey." She touched his arm and turned him around so he was looking at her. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Jay held her gaze, finding himself becoming calmer the longer he looked at her. He released a sigh and closed his eyes. "Yeah."
Erin frowned, not quite believing him. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"
Jay took a second to gather himself, Erin's hand still on his arm. "I..Crowley finally told us what really happened to Voight. Why he was at the warehouse. I just wanted to come by and fill you in. You deserve to know."
Erin gave him a sad smile and she took her hand off of him. "Thank you. Um, Crowley came by earlier actually," Erin revealed. "She told me what happened."
That would explain why Erin had been crying. It couldn't have been easy for her to find out why Voight was at the warehouse and that he had been murdered. He was also sure that Crowley wouldn't have cared enough to soften the blow when she delivered the news.
"I'm sorry," Jay offered, not really knowing what else to say. Erin just nodded. Jay stood there, not really knowing what to do next. He had came here to tell Erin what Crowley said but apparently the woman had already done that. So really, there was no more reason for him to linger awkwardly by the foyer any longer but he couldn't make himself leave just yet.
Erin must've sensed his reluctance to go. "Do you want a cup of coffee?" she asked.
Jay responded with a small smile. "Coffee sounds great."
He glanced around the living room while Erin went to get him a cup of coffee. It looked like she was in the midst of packing things up, a few filled boxes were stacked against the wall. She had made some progress but there was still a long way to go. There were decades of history in the house, so many things to go through and pack up.
"Here," Jay turned his attention to Erin and took the cup she was offering. She sat down on the couch with her own cup and watched him. Jay knew she was still confused by how he acted when he first showed up at her house and the question of why was on the tip of her tongue. So before she could ask, he veered to another topic.
"So you're packing things up huh? Do you think you got enough moving boxes?" he asked, hoping that Erin would just follow along.
She didn't. "Jay." He groaned inwardly when she addressed with that tone. That tone that she always used when she wasn't buying what he was selling. That tone that just said she knew him too well for his diversion tricks to work on her so he better not even try.
He sighed. "I kind of lost it when Crowley told us what happened to Voight," he admitted quietly.
"I wasn't expecting to hear from her either," Erin returned. "I was surprised when she showed up at the door to tell me about the investigation."
"So she told you that Voight was at the warehouse because he was helping a kid who was trying to get out of a gang?" Jay asked. "That Voight was doing a noble thing that got him killed?"
Erin nodded. "Yeah, she told me. She was vague about most details but I got the gist."
"And how do you feel about it?"
"How do you feel about it?" Erin volleyed the question back to him, waiting for his answer. Jay just shrugged and she sighed heavily, not buying it. "Jay."
He hated that she still knew him so well. He hated that he still gave in with whatever she wanted with one simple call of his name.
"It took me by surprise," Jay confessed.
"Why?"
He brought his head up and looked at her. "Because I already made my mind up of what Voight was really doing at the warehouse."
"You thought he was doing something shady," she stated knowingly.
"It wouldn't be the first time, would it? I wasn't too far off the books." Erin nodded, conceding that what Jay said had some truth in it. "I wasn't wrong to assume that," Jay maintained.
"You're not," Erin assured him when she heard his defensive tone. "Hank definitely wasn't a by-the-books type of guy. You remember what he would always tell us?"
Jay rested his elbows on his knees and laced his fingers together. "Tell him the truth so he could lie for you," Jay recalled the line that Voight had always told them. One that spoke volumes about the expectations Voight had for his team.
Erin chuckled softly at the words that they've heard constantly over the years. "He was always willing to go off script to do what he thought was right. I loved Hank but I can admit that he wasn't always right. There had been many times where he blurred the lines too much that even I wasn't sure where to stand, no matter how loyal I was to him."
Jay thought back to Bingham and what Voight did. How Erin and Al had to clean up his mess. It had been just one of the instances where they disagreed with Voight and his methods.
"You and Hank, you guys always had a complicated relationship," Erin continued. "So am I surprised that you thought Hank was at the warehouse for less than honorable reasons? No. Do I blame you for thinking that? Also, no."
"But I was wrong," Jay pointed out. "He wasn't doing anything wrong. In fact, it was just the opposite. He was helping a kid."
"You didn't know that," Erin reasoned.
"Yeah but I should have. I should've given him the benefit of the doubt instead of immediately assuming the worst of him." He ran his fingers through his hair. "Do you know what I felt when I first heard that Voight was dead? Anger. Not sadness, not grief. But I was angry that he hadn't told anyone what he was doing and that he got himself killed."
"Anger is a normal emotion, Jay."
"Anger is normal for when someone did something to you. If they harmed you, hurt you in any way. Anger is not a normal emotion to feel when you hear that someone died," Jay proclaimed.
Erin pressed her lips together thoughtfully. "Maybe he did," Erin voiced in a quiet whisper.
Jay's head snapped up. "What?" he asked with furrowed brows.
"Maybe you were angry because Voight did something to you," Erin clarified.
His frown lines grew deeper. What could Voight have possibly done to him that made him angry? "I don't think so." Erin just let out a hum, not quite agreeing with him. "What? What did Voight do that got me angry that he's dead?"
Erin didn't seem affected by the frustration that seeped into him and she just merely regarded him with a cock of her eyebrow that said that she didn't appreciate his tone of voice but she was going to let this go. Once.
Jay just let out a sigh, his anger deflating. "I"m sorry," he apologized. "It seems like I'm taking my anger out on everybody today."
"Yeah, that's usually the easiest way to deal with something as destructive as anger. Trust me, I would know," Erin imparted her wisdom. "Usually makes you feel crappy afterwards, like how I'm sure you're feeling right now."
A chuckle involuntarily escaped Jay. "I feel like shit."
"Hmm, that's to be expected," Erin returned. "And I'm sure aside from feeling like shit, you're also apologetic and would like to make it up to me."
Jay rolled his eyes, conceding to Erin. "You're right. So how can I make it up to you?"
She pursed her mouth like she was thinking her answer over. "You can go with me on this."
He narrowed his eyes. "Where?"
"Work with me," she began and Jay just nodded. "I don't think I'm completely off base when I said that there is a reason why you were angry when you found out about Voight."
"Yeah because I thought he was back to his old tricks again," Jay replied.
"No. Something more than that," Erin asserted. "Something you don't want to admit to yourself. A reason you don't want to give credence to." She scooted closer and laid her hand on his thigh in a comforting way. "What is it?" she asked, her voice soft and gentle, almost like he was a bomb waiting to go off.
Jay kept his eyes on the wall across from him, his mind working to see if Erin was right. He tried to go back to that moment that Crowley first told them that Voight had passed away, trying to put himself back in that state of mind and trying to remember what was the first emotion he felt. And more importantly, why.
"I was surprised when I first heard," Jay recalled, his voice quiet and gruff. "Voight had always seemed invincible so it felt unreal that a fire took him out."
"I felt the same when I got the call," Erin told him. She was still sitting close to him on the couch and Jay appreciated the proximity. It helped to have her near. "I almost didn't believe it at first. So you were shocked when you first heard."
"For a second," Jay replied. "A brief moment before I felt this rage just took over me."
"You were angry that he died? Or where he was when he died?"
Jay understood what Erin was subtly asking. Was he upset that Voight had died in general or was it because he thought Voight was back to his old tricks?
"Jay," Erin touched his thigh and shook him gently. "Why were you angry?"
He didn't answer right away and Erin just patiently waited. Giving him time to admit to himself what he had been trying to deny for a long time now. Something he didn't want to acknowledge.
He dropped his head back and closed his eyes. He could still feel Erin's hand on his thigh and it was the only thing that was keeping him grounded in the moment, silently giving him support while he worked through his thoughts.
"I was angry that he got himself killed," Jay confessed, his hands clenched together. "I was angry that he died because…." he took a breath. "Because he was the last father figure I had in my life."
He finally spoke the words that he had been trying so hard to deny to himself. Feeling of loss and grief that he had tried to push down, affections toward Voight that he didn't want to feel. Anger was the easy option. Conceding that he actually loved Voight and saw him as more than a Sergeant was not.
Erin let out a sound— one that made it clear that she wasn't surprised by his admission at all. He felt her hand on his thigh tightened, Erin giving him a comforting squeeze.
"You had a lot of losses in your life, Jay. Al. Your dad and now Hank."
It was no secret that he and his father didn't have the best relationship. Jay grew up close to his mother but his father always kept him at arm's length. He didn't have the fatherly figure growing up and for the longest time, Jay told himself that he didn't need one. That he was fine all by himself.
That was until he came into the unit and met Al. The man of few words became the father figure he never had. Al never said much but he listened. He cared. He seemed to understand Jay and what he was going through without Jay having to say a word. Al didn't judge nor did he assume to know what Jay was going through. Al was just there, whenever Jay needed him. Until he wasn't.
Losing Al was heartbreaking. It was the roughest patch of his life that Jay could remember. But in some ways, losing Al had led Jay to make some sort of amends with his own father. Or at the very least, attempt to, anyways. But shortly after Al was taken away from him, so was his father.
"My dad, um…" Jay ran his tongue over his lips. "He died because of complications from arson. The same way as Voight."
"Yeah. I heard." Jay looked at Erin in surprise. He wasn't expecting for her to know how his father died. "Hank called me when it happened."
"He called you?" Jay frowned. "But I never….I didn't hear from you."
Contrition filled Erin's face. "I wanted to call you but I wasn't sure if you wanted to hear from me. I didn't want to trouble you."
Jay looked at her like she was crazy. "I wanted to hear from you, Erin." How could she think otherwise? Losing his father had been yet another blow to his life. He didn't know how to deal with his grief back then either and he lashed out at everyone, taking his anger out on people who didn't deserve it. It was his most self-destructive coping mechanism. Had Erin called or better, had she been in his life back then, Jay thought he might've dealt with it better. She had always managed to keep him calm. Knowing he had her backing him up was the only reason why he didn't lose his mind entirely when Terry died.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, giving him the apology long overdue. "I should've reached out, no matter what but I didn't. It was already hard enough to ask Hank for updates about how you were doing."
"You asked him about me?" Jay wanted to know if it was a one time thing or if it had been more. If Erin had been keeping tabs on him. Instead the question that came out of his mouth had been 'why?'
"I still cared about you. I know that we didn't end on the best terms but it didn't mean that I stopped caring," Erin replied. Jay held back the snort. 'Not on best terms' was putting it lightly. They had tried to stay friends after Erin had left for New York. They had been civil and cooperative when they sold off their condo. Jay had tried to keep in touch. Jay had tried to stay in her life, anyway he could. But she hadn't.
"You had a funny way of showing it then," Jay said sarcastically.
"I deserve that."
"You just cut me off Erin," Jay cut her off, his voice getting louder. "I tried to call you so many times. How many voicemails did I leave, waiting for you to call me back? But you never did. I begged Voight for updates about you but he never told me any. When I thought I shot that little girl, I needed you but you weren't there. You never picked up the phone." He took a deep breath to calm himself down. "Did you even listen to the voicemails I left you or did you just delete them as soon as you saw my name?"
"I listened to every single one."
"Then why didn't you call me?" Jay asked, sounding lost and confused.
"Any answer I give you would just sound like an excuse now. I was scared. I was hurt. I was lost. They all sound so ridiculous now because I should've reached out. It didn't matter what I was feeling or what Hank told me. You were going through a hard time, I should've been there for you."
Jay did a double-take. "Wait. What Voight told you? What did he say? He told you not to call me?" Jay knew that the older man had never been a fan of him being with Erin but did he disapprove of Jay that much to stop Erin from calling him back when he needed her?
Erin shook her head vehemently. "No, it wasn't like that," she clarified. "When you called me about the shooting, I was on an assignment. I didn't have my phone until I was done. That was a month later, Jay. By the time I got your message, I was too late. I called Hank to see how you were doing because I was worried. He told me that you were cleared for the shooting and that you were putting it behind you. I didn't want to just show up out of the blue and ruin any progress you made when you were doing fine."
"That's just it, Erin. I wasn't doing fine," Jay stressed. It had been one thing in his life after another at that time and he had spiraled. He was far from fine.
"I didn't know that," Erin muttered, her hand falling away from him. She sighed, dropping her hand in her face. "That explains why Hank wouldn't give me any more updates about you."
Jay scoffed. "I always knew he didn't like me."
Erin's head popped up, ready to deny what he said. "That's not true, Jay."
"Isn't it?" he shot back. "He was always against us being together. I had to get kidnapped and beaten for him to give us his blessings. You know what he told me when I asked him about you?" Erin shook her head. "That you were never coming back and that I needed to make my peace with it." He chuckled dryly. "Like it was so easy. I think he was happy that you were gone because at least I wouldn't have dragged you down with me."
"How can you say that Jay?" Erin asked outraged. Jay just gave her a look. She tsked. "You know what he told me when I asked him about you? That I needed to leave you alone and let you move on with your life. That I wasn't doing you any favor by holding onto you. He was looking out for you." Jay just let out a hum that said he didn't quite believe her. Erin noticed the expression on his face. "Do you remember when we first became partners? All those years ago and Hank warned you to stay away from me?"
"How could I forget?" Jay replied with a chuckle. "He told me to keep it in my pants."
"Well, I confronted him about it, about how he needed to stop treating me like a kid and you know what he said? That he didn't do it because of me. That he was looking out for you."
Jay frowned. "What?"
"Yeah, apparently he thought he was doing you a favor, warning you off me. That you were a good cop and you didn't need my brand of drama," Erin revealed.
"I'm pretty sure Voight wouldn't say that, not about you at least."
Erin shrugged. "Maybe not those exact words but close. Said he has seen the trail of broken hearts I've left behind and that you were too good of a cop to be throwing pebbles at my window at three in the morning." She released a soft laugh. "Turned out he was right."
"No, he wasn't," Jay refuted. "I've never thrown pebbles at your windows. That's just creepy."
Erin laughed at his attempt at a joke. "And also because I lived on the third floor the entire time we've known each other and your throwing arm sucks."
"Hey," Jay cried, feigning like he was offended. He sighed, grateful for a moment of reprieve during a heavy conversation. He always loved how she managed to make him laugh, no matter what the situation was. She just brought out a lighter side to him. A balancing force against all of his demons.
"Anyway, Hank may have advised me to leave you alone but it was still my decision to stop all contact with you, not his," Erin said. "I thought I was doing the right thing and so did Hank. He thought he was looking out for you because he cared about you."
Jay took in her words and nodded. "Me and Voight, we've never been on the same page about anything." A laugh escaped Erin that said he was putting it mildly. He and Voight clashed on most topics, they never really agreed on anything. But Jay had a begrudging respect for his Sergeant. "I guess I'm not really surprised by Voight looking out for me," he admitted. "He had his own way of doing it and most of the time, I didn't like it but deep down, I knew he had my best interest at heart."
"He did," Erin confirmed.
"Last year, there was a case involving a young boy. He was being molested and he was eventually murdered by this sick pedophile. The case, it just took me back."
"To Ben?" Erin asked. Jay bobbed his head up and down. "That couldn't have been easy."
"It wasn't," Jay agreed. "I wanted to rip the guys' head off with my own bare hands. To watch the life go out him like he took the innocent kid's life. Before we got the chance to arrest him, the kid's father beat us to the punch. He beat the guy to death."
Erin gasped softly. "Oh. That's…..understandable. If it was my child, I don't know if I wouldn't do the same thing."
"I thought back to Ben and Danny and thought about if it was Danny that beat up Lonnie Rodiger and I was the one who saw it, would I just let Danny go?" Jay pondered out loud. "Yeah. I think I would let him go because I was the one who found Ben and I knew how much it hurt. But the pain that I felt? That was nothing compared to the heartbreak the Corsons felt. I didn't blame the dad for killing the sick bastard. I wanted to do it too."
"But it's never a good idea to take justice into our own hands," Erin reminded him. "No matter how much we want to. Take it from me, Jay."
"I wanted to look the other way and let the dad walk away but Voight was the one who convinced me not to. Said I was better than to take justice into my own hands," Jay revealed. "That he had crossed a lot of lines in his career and he didn't want me to become like him."
"He didn't and he was right. Hank has done a lot of questionable things in his life. He carried a lot of demons with him because of what he did. The last thing he wanted was for you to go down the same path as him. He wanted better for you because he knew that as soon as you crossed that line once, it's too late to turn back."
"I know that now," Jay replied. "I guess I've always known that he had been looking out for me in his own way, even if I didn't want him to."
"I'm sorry for your loss, Jay," Erin told him. "Not just Hank but for Al and your dad too. I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you for any of it."
Jay just nodded. "Well, that's not exactly true. You're here now and you've helped me a lot."
Erin's eyebrow shot up. "I haven't done anything."
"You've listened and for some reason, I still feel like you're still one that understands me the most. That's more than enough. Thank you."
"Anytime, then," Erin returned, giving him a small smile.
Jay held her gaze for a beat, just getting lost in her eyes before he cleared his throat. "How about you?"
"What about me?"
Jay gave her a stare. "We're done with me so now let's focus on you. How are you doing after what Crowley told you?"
She shrugged, trying to play it off like it wasn't a big deal but Jay wasn't letting go of it. She moved back and rested her back on the armrest of the couch and propped her feet up on the cushion, her arms wrapping around herself.
"It wasn't easy," she began. "I don't know what is worse, if the fire was an accident or that it was arson. Which sounded ridiculous because who would want someone they love get murdered, right? But if it had been just an accident, it would have been like…."
"Like he died for nothing," Jay finished for her.
"Knowing that there was a reason, it kind of helps. Even if I want to go down and rip the one-niner who set the fire's head off."
"Same," Jay agreed, his anger surging again when he thought of the person responsible for Voight's death. "He deserves more than a cushy prison sentence. He deserves to be at the bottom of the lake." Erin just nodded, agreeing with him. "Crowley warned us not to do anything. LIke she could stop us."
"I hope you won't do anything," Erin immediately warned. "Jay, I'm serious. Don't take matters into your own hands. Let the law handle this."
"How can you be easy about it? You know that half of the time, the law and the system doesn't work," Jay exclaimed. "You're saying you'd be okay if this guy walks away with a slap on the wrist? After what he's done?"
"Of course I'm not," Erin shot back, sitting up straighter. "Do I want to go down to where they're holding him and just get my hands on him? Of course. I want him to pay for what he did, no questions about it. But it doesn't mean I'm going to do anything reckless."
"Well, I don't know if Intelligence can just sit back and do nothing."
"You have to," Erin asserted. "This was Voight's last act. He died because he was helping someone, a kid. He was trying to give him a better life, just like he has done for me. So as angry and pissed off as I am that someone murdered Hank, I'm not going to tarnish Hank's legacy and his final good deed by going off and doing something stupid. Intelligence was his pride and joy. If you really want to avenge Hank, then do better than he did."
Jay knew Erin had a point. They just couldn't just run off and take things into their own hands, no matter how much they want to. The best way to honor and respect Voight was to just move on as best they can, to rebuild Intelligence.
"You're right," he conceded quietly. "You're right. Thank you."
Erin gave him a reassuring smile. "I know it's not easy and you're processing a lot of emotions right now."
"You are too. But you seem to be doing okay." He studied Erin carefully. He didn't see the haunted look that was in her eyes when Nadia died. He didn't see the look of defeat that was in her body language when life tried to knock Erin down again and again. This woman in front of him, she seemed rock solid. "New York has done you really well, hasn't it?"
The corner of her mouth turned up. "Yeah it has. I tried to resist it at first because you know? I'm me," she said with a roll of her eyes. "But as soon as I accepted that it was the fresh start that I've been needing and I stopped resisting, it changed my life. I had a new chance to be a better person, to not let my past define me so much."
"I'm really happy for you, Erin." There was nothing but sincerity in his voice. As much as it hurt him when she first left and it took a lot for him to move on, he was genuinely happy that the move had been the right choice for her. Erin seemed lighter and stronger. She was dealing with grief in a more productive way. "So do you have any advice for me? How to deal with this better?"
"I find that it helps to have something to focus on. Something that takes up your energy," she replied. "For me right now, it helps to have this house to focus on. I have a lot of things to pack up and go through before we get it staged for showings next week."
Jay glanced around the room. "You need any help?"
"Um.." Erin stammered awkwardly. "It's okay. I don't want to put you out."
"No, it's not….you're not putting me out," Jay replied, trying to get across the point that he wanted to help. "You said it right? I need something to focus on. It's not going to be work for a while since Crowley is making us take time off so I really have nothing," Jay revealed lamely.
Erin looked hesitant about accepting his help and for a brief second, Jay wondered if he had pushed too much. Just because Erin was fine with him coming here a couple of times and sitting next to her at Voight's funeral, it didn't mean that she wanted him to be hanging around longer than necessary.
"I'm sorry," Jay apologized, standing up to leave. "I don't want to get in your way."
Erin stood up, her hands dropping by her side. "You're not," she immediately refuted. "I just...I don't want to bother you with this. But if you really want to help, then yeah. I could really use your help."
Jay bit back the grin and pressed his mouth together. "Great. I'm happy to help." He rubbed his hands. "Should we get started? Just tell me what you need done."
Erin smirked and she patted his arm. "Famous last words. You're going to regret saying that."
Jay just chuckled and followed her lead into the kitchen, happy to be something productive to occupy his time.
Erin had been right. It turned out that having a task to focus was the key to dealing with a loss. Moving heavy boxes gave him an outlet to release his pent up emotions and energy. In a week, he and Erin had gotten a lot done.
They had finished the living room and the kitchen. They packed up most of Voight's things and had donated a lot of them to women's shelters and consignment stores around the city. Half of the rooms upstairs were also finished. But even with all the progress they made so far, there was a lot to get done before the realtor came in and staged the house for showings the following week. They had been working tirelessly so far that every night, Jay had fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Which was exactly what he had been hoping for. Nightmares and sleepless nights could stay the hell away, as far as he was concerned.
"I'm going to run by the liquor store down the street in a bit to get more moving boxes," Jay said as he went inside Erin's old bedroom with a stack of new boxes. "These are the last of the ones you bought," he added, his feet making the floorboard squeak.
Voight's house was far from new. Erin had told him that it was built some times in the '50s so there were a lot of updates and minor renovations that needed to be done. Erin's floorboards happened to be one of them.
"Thanks." Erin grunted as she moved a heavy box to the side. "I think these should be enough for this room. Then we just need to finish Justin's old room, the basement and then Hank's room."
Jay knew that Erin had been pushing off cleaning up Hank's room, finding it difficult to go in there just yet. He didn't blame her. It took everything in him to enter his father's bedroom and clean out his things. Jay would offer to do it for Erin but he knew it was something she had to do herself. Cleaning up his dad's bedroom and finding out what his father had kept over the years had given Jay the closure he needed to move on. Erin needed to do the same. Jay would be by her side as she did it, if she wanted him to be there, but it was something he couldn't do for her.
"Right, so three dozen more boxes should be enough?" he teased. "Look at how much money I'm saving you."
Erin narrowed her eyes. "Are you still not done about your moving boxes?" she asked, her hand on her hip. Jay just smirked. "How about you stop gloating about your precious liquor stores moving boxes and help me move this?" she asked, pointing to a box filled to the brim.
"I didn't hear the word 'please' in your sentence," Jay said as he remained standing in place. Erin just made a 'pssh' sound before she tried to push the box herself by bending down. Jay stood up a little bit straighter at the sight of Erin bent over, giving him the perfect view of her backside. It didn't help that she was in a yoga tight and a tank top that rose up with every movement she made, showing off her skin. Jay tried to avert his eyes somewhere else but couldn't.
"Ah," Erin grunted as she pushed the box. Soft panting noises escaped her mouth as she exerted more energy and Jay felt his whole body heat up even more at the seductive sound. She was driving him crazy.
It felt like slow torture to be in the small space with Erin everyday while she wore nothing but skintight workout clothes or baggy t-shirts that fell off her shoulders and shorts that showed off her legs. It didn't help that she kept on making these enticing noises when she worked laboriously on the rooms and that she kept on wiping away the beads of sweat that would trail down her forehead and her neck before disappearing in her cleavage.
The worst part was that Jay was sure Erin didn't even realize what she was doing to him. She had no idea that she was driving him crazy with lust and want, just by being in her close proximity. Because if she did, she wouldn't have been as tactile with him as she had been. A touch on his arm here, a hand resting on his chest there, it didn't matter. Every single time her skin made contact with his, Jay felt his whole body burned. Desire consumed him, it tortured him because to her, everything was innocent. She probably had no idea just how much she was affecting him.
He had always been attracted to Erin. From the first day he met her in the bullpen and she introduced herself as his partner with a confident smirk and alluring dimples, Jay had been hooked. Erin had only gotten more beautiful over the years. Gone was the wild and almost reckless beauty that kept him on his toes. The new Erin was more mature, self-assured and filled with so much confidence that oozed out of her with every step. It was sexy as hell and Jay was captivated.
"Hello? Earth to Jay!" Jay blinked when Erin started waving her hand in front of his face and only then, Jay realized that he had been staring at her for too long, not hearing what she said.
"I'm sorry. What did you say?"
Erin shot him a puzzled look before she repeated what she said. "You said you were going to get more boxes?"
"Right." He cleared his throat to get rid of the dryness. "Yeah. I'll be back."
He quickly made his way out of the room, needing some air. And some distance from Erin.
He stepped out of the house and into his car, making his way to the liquor store. He really should've known that this would happen. That it was impossible for him to be in close proximity with Erin without wanting to be with her. She was like gasoline and he was a match. Get them close to each other and they'd ignite like fire.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to force those thoughts away. It wasn't the time. Erin was still dealing with her loss and so was he. Besides, she wasn't staying. She was going back to New York in a couple of months. She was only here until she could pack everything up and leave again. And Jay knew that there was no way Erin would choose Chicago over New York. Not when New York had her so well.
He sighed to himself. It would be a bad idea to start anything with Erin again, no matter how much his body wanted her. Because he did. And not just his body. As much as Jay tried to deny it, his heart yearned for her.
There was always something about Erin— something more than the physical things— that was so alluring for him. Her wit, the way she always had a comeback ready on the tip of her tongue, the caring side of Erin, just everything about her made it hard for him to resist her.
But Jay's hands tightened on the steering wheel. No matter how much he wanted Erin, it wasn't a good idea. He just needed to get himself under control before he went back to the house. He just had to think of her as a friend. A platonic friend and nothing more.
"Erin?" he called out for her when he returned and found the upstairs empty. He frowned, wondering where she had gone in the short time he had left. It was a good thing she had given him a copy of the keys temporarily or he would've been stuck outside otherwise.
He went downstairs and found that to be empty too. He took a quick glance at the backyard and the garage, finding her car still there.
"Erin?" he yelled louder as he entered the kitchen, only to find the door to the basement opened. "Erin."
"Down here," she finally replied and he made his way down to her.
"There you are," he sighed as he joined her. She was sitting on the cold hard floor of the basement, a few boxes opened on the floor with her. He saw that the safe was already opened too but it didn't look like Erin had taken anything out of it just yet. "You're done upstairs?"
"I'm done with my room," Erin answered, looking at him with troubled eyes. "I was gonna go into Justin's room and get started but for some reason, I couldn't. Hank's room was even worse," she relayed in a small voice, like it was something she didn't want to say out loud. "So I thought I would come down here and do something."
Jay nodded understandingly. "What's this?" he asked, referring to the box that Erin was currently going through.
She pulled the box closer to her and took out a few toys. "Justin's old toys." She held up a small baseball glove, clearly belonging to Justin since it had the initial J.V on it with the number #11. "Hank wanted to get rid of everything, said it was taking up the space he needed for a man cave down here," she said, laughing as she was engrossed in the memory. "But Camille wouldn't have it. She was like 'these are our memories of our son, Hank. I'm not getting rid of them so you can put up your ugly flat screen t.v down here.'"
"Is that where your hatred of flat screen t.v came from?" Jay teased, referring back to Erin's own reluctance towards his grand idea of a 65' inch flat screen.
"I don't hate flat screen t.v," Erin denied. "You should see the one I have in my place right now. A 70 inch with total surround sound," she boasted. Jay gave her an impressed look.
"Hmm, impressive. So you don't hate flat screen, you just didn't want me to have one?"
"I wasn't a fan of moving my posters, Jay," she argued. "Did you forget that they were signed by the bands?"
Jay just rolled his eyes before pulling the box over to him so he could see what else was inside. There were a bunch of old toys inside, everything from a broken frisbee to a few dirty tennis balls. "Wow, Camille didn't want to get rid of anything huh?"
Erin laughed. "What we see as dirty old toys, she saw it as memories." The smile slipped from Erin's face. "She was really big on those. I swear, I wasn't this sentimental before I came to live here and now, I can't even get rid of these dirty toys."
He saw Erin swallowed down the emotions that threatened to come out and he held himself back from reaching over to her. She sucked in a few deep breaths before she stood up and headed over to the safe.
"Hank was different. He didn't believe in keeping old things for memories' sake but he was sentimental in other ways." She opened the door to the safe wider. "Like for example, the passcode is mine and Justin's birthday."
"Wow, you just told me the passcode. I'm kinda honored that you trust me that much," Jay teased, trying to make Erin smile. His effort worked when he saw the corner of her mouth turned up.
"The safe'll be empty in like three minutes," Erin shot back, always ready with a comeback. She patted his chest a few times when he dropped his jaw in a feigned offended expression. His hand acted on its own and covered hers that was on his chest, keeping her close to him. Erin's eyes widened slightly at his move and she looked at him curiously.
Jay dropped her hand like it burned him when he realized what he was doing and she took a step back, uncertainty filled her eyes. He chided himself silently for making things awkward between them.
"So, what's inside?" he asked, trying to change gears.
Erin looked relieved at the sudden change in topic and she turned her attention to the safe, pulling out a small zippered bag. Jay had seen this bag before. Years ago. But he had never seen what was inside of it.
"This bag," he started, frowning. "That's the bag that those guys stole from Voight, wasn't it? The one we worked so hard to get back?" Erin nodded. "Huh. I never knew what was inside of it."
Erin opened the bag and pulled out the mysterious items from inside. The thing Voight almost killed a man for, albeit the man was a thief. Jay had thought that it was just more street cash that Voight had stashed in the safe or some sort of evidence that could get Voight in trouble. Why else would Voight be willing to go so far to retrieve it?
But to his surprise, what Erin pulled out wasn't cash. Nor was it evidence. It was a stack of photos. Old vintage pictures. Of Voight and Camille.
"These were his most prized possessions," Erin whispered, her fingers gently running over sepia colored pictures of Camille in her younger and healthier days. "He kept it here so no harm would come to them."
Jay took in a deep breath. It seemed as though Voight just kept managing to surprise him, even after his death. The way Voight had loved his wife seemed to be never ending.
"She was beautiful," Jay said. A soft smile took over Erin at his comment.
"She was," Erin said. "She was the most generous and understanding person I've ever met in my life. She was so patient with me, so understanding to put up with so much of my bullshit when I first came here," Erin said with a catch in her throat. Jay saw Erin's eyes starting to glisten with unshed tears. "Voight always said how she was the best thing to happen to him. They were the best thing to happen to me, too."
Jay just listened as Erin strolled down memory lane. His eyes remained on the woman in the picture and the only thing that he had on his mind was how grateful he was toward the woman he had never met. Grateful that she had a big enough heart to take in a girl and turned her life around. To give Erin the home and loving family she deserved because otherwise, Jay would've never met Erin. He would've never known how it felt to love her, to laugh at her jokes, to see her smile, to just be around her. Camille didn't even know him yet she changed his life for the better too.
Erin put the pictures back in the bag and placed it on a shelf against the wall.
"What are you going to do with the pictures?" Jay asked.
"I was thinking of putting them in an album. Keep them safe. That way when Danny is a little bit older, he can see how much his grandparents loved each other."
Jay smiled. "That sounds like a great idea." He turned his attention to the safe. "What else is in there?"
Erin pulled out a small black velvet bag and opened it, a diamond ring coming out from the bag and landing on Erin's palm. Erin gasped softly when she saw the ring.
"Oh my god," she whispered. "This was Camille's ring. Hank gave it to Justin so he could propose to Olive but she returned it when she moved to Phoenix."
"She didn't want to keep it?"
Erin shook her head. "She said it carried too many memories and it just reminded her of what she lost. I can't say I blame her" Erin replied. She held the ring up, the diamond shining in the light. "It's beautiful. You know, Olive is right. There is a lot of history behind this ring but there is also a lot of love too."
Jay's eyes stayed on the ring. It reminded him too much of his mother's ring. The one he was going to propose to Erin with. The one that was filled with a lot of history but a lot of love behind it too. The one that should've been on Erin's finger but Jay missed his chance to put it on her.
"Hey, where'd you go?" Erin nudged him gently, her hand on his shoulder, calling him back from getting too lost in his thoughts.
Jay teared his eyes away from the ring and onto Erin, seeing her watching him curiously. "Um," he scratched his forehead, wondering if he was really going to tell Erin about the ring and the proposal that never was. But his mouth had a mind of its own because he suddenly found himself saying, "the ring, it reminded me a lot of the one I was going to give you."
Erin's hand dropped from his shoulder and she took a step back, her head reeling back like she had been slapped. Her eyes were widened in shock and Jay swore she stopped breathing at what he told her.
"Erin."
"Wha..what?" she muttered, blinking a few times rapidly. "You…." She took a second to gather herself. "You were going to give me a ring? An engagement ring?"
Jay just nodded, confirming everything she was asking. "I was going to propose," he confessed. "The night that you told me that you were moving to New York."
"Wait, is that why you were going to propose? Because I was leaving town?"
Jay shook his head, immediately stopping her train of thought. "No!" he exclaimed. "That's not why I was going to propose."
"So it wasn't just an attempt to keep me from leaving?" Erin questioned, looking at him in disbelief.
He gripped her shoulder so she was looking in his eyes. "I was going to propose to you because I loved you and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You were all I thought about Erin. It didn't matter to me that we weren't together at the time. I just wanted to be with you, to be by your side when you needed me."
Erin seemed lost for words, her mouth parted with no sound coming out. But the look of shock and disbelief was all over her face as she processed what he had revealed.
"Erin? Say something," he pleaded with her, wanting desperately to know what she was thinking.
"You were going to propose," Erin muttered. "You had a ring?"
"It was my mom's ring. Before she passed, she told both me and Will that whoever found the right girl first should propose with the ring. I knew I had the right girl," Jay divulged, with a small shrug of his shoulders. Trying to play it off like it didn't break his heart still about what happened that night. Of him gathering up courage with the ring in his pocket, trying to give Erin the proposal she deserved. Finally getting her on the phone and getting her to agree to meet him only for her to drop the bomb on him that she was leaving town.
"I didn't know. If I had…"
"What? You would've said 'yes'?" Jay asked bluntly.
Erin's head snapped up and when he looked into her eyes, he saw the answer written in them. His hand fell from her and he dropped his gaze to the ground, avoiding her eyes.
"Jay," she called him, like she sensed that he was pulling away from her. He was, his body instinctively protecting himself because he could still read her so easily. He could read that she would've refused his proposal without her having to say it.
"It's in the past now," he whispered. 'Um, I'm gonna call it a night." He knew he was running like a coward but at this moment, he didn't really care. All he knew was that he needed to get out of there, to get away from seeing the look of pity in Erin's eyes. It had been years yet the pain was still there. The heartbreak that he felt when he realized that he had lost her for good. That deep and debilitating sorrow in knowing that he had everything he had ever wanted in his hands and he had screwed it up. That he had let her slip right away from him. It had been years since he had allowed himself to think back to that night, too much time and energy spent on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to move forward with his life.
But with her standing in front of him, looking at him like she could see right through him, he found himself transporting back to that night. Of Erin tearfully telling him goodbye as he helped her pack for New York, all the while silently begging her not to leave him but finding himself too cowardly to voice the words out loud, thinking he had no right to ask her to stay. The ring in his pocket weighing a ton with broken dreams and too many what-ifs.
He turned to leave but Erin pulled him back, turning him around so he couldn't run.
"Erin," he croaked, his voice sounding broken despite him trying his hardest to seem strong in front of her. His eyes shuttered close when her hand gently held his face, keeping him close. He leaned into her touch, finding it to be a familiar place. How many times had Erin held him like this? It had been so long that he had been this close to her, close enough to feel her soft breaths ghost over his face, to graze her nose with his, to feel her eyelashes flutter against his skin when she brought their faces closer.
He only got her name out once more before she closed the distance between them and captured his lips with her own, silencing what he was about to say forever. Jay stood no chance against her, all rationality flying out the window, when Erin took over all of his senses. Jay deepened the kiss, pulling her flushed against his body.
He buried his fingers in her hair, tugging her closer to him, needing her closer to close. She gripped his face tightly but none of the pain registered. Only pleasure. He felt himself growing to life when her soft moan escaped through the kisses and Jay lifted her up, Erin immediately latching her legs around him. He pushed her against the wall, pressing himself against her.
Erin wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him harder, driving Jay crazy that much more. And when she began to suck on his tongue, all Jay could do was to intertwine their fingers together and pushed their joined hands against the wall above her head, trying to erase any remaining distance between their pressed bodies. Erin's legs locked around him tighter and Jay ran his lips over her neck, feeling goosebumps form on her skin. He found the spot that he knew she loved and he began sucking on it, Erin's pleasured moan filling his ears.
It seemed as though he wasn't the only one that remembered her special spots because he hissed out in pleasure when she bit down gently on his earlobe, just like he loved. They connected their lips again and Jay dropped her arms so he could cup her ass and hold her up. Erin's arms found their way around him again, her fingers immediately dug into his back when he ran his tongue over her lips, trying to drive her as crazy as she was with him.
"Jay," she gasped his name, one of his favorite sounds in the world. "Upstairs," she whispered between breaths and he immediately obliged, Erin still wrapped around him as he carried her upstairs.
They crashed through her door and toppled over on the bed, neither of them caring about the pain from the crash. The euphoria they were feeling was too high for anything else to register and break through. Erin buried her hands underneath his shirt and Jay could feel the trail of heat her hands were leaving all over his bare back. He pulled away from her just for a second so he could tug his shirt off and throw it to the side, seeing Erin's eyes cloud over with lust.
He resumed his mission of covering every inch of her skin with his kisses, his mouth traveling down her neck to her chest before making his way further down. He lifted up her shirt slowly, his lips going in the opposite direction with every inch her shirt traveled up. She squirmed under his ministration and Jay smirked when impatience got the best of her when he lingered over her most sensitive area too long.
"Jay," she whined, earning an amused chuckle from him. But the look she shot him said she was unamused by him taking so long. He couldn't have that so he pulled her shirt completely off of her body, leaving her top half bare. Then he focused on the last of the remaining pieces of clothing that kept her covered, pulling off the spandex material as slowly as possible. He made it up to her with kisses all the way down, until she was completely bare underneath him.
He took a moment to just take her in and just how beautiful she was. Erin began to blush, probably because Jay kept on looking at her like a mesmerized fool.
"You're so beautiful," he whispered, telling her his honest thoughts and she smiled, the blush on her face growing deeper.
She lifted herself up slightly off the bed to reach for him and pull him down and reconnected their lips together, her hands working to get his jeans off of him. He gave her what she wanted and pulled his jeans and boxer off until he was completely naked, just like she was.
He looked down at her, his hand gently caressing her face, while their bodies remained only a few inches apart, Jay being careful not to put his weight on her. He searched her eyes for any uncertainty, any sign that said he should pull back and stop this from going further. He didn't want her to regret it, regret him. But there was no doubt in her hazel eyes as she stared up at him and when she kissed his fingers when they traveled over her lips, Jay got the answer he was searching for. He replaced his fingers with his lips and he kissed her, pouring all of his desires and wants for her.
They were too far gone to stop at this point. Too caught up with each other to really think about what this might mean and right now, Jay didn't care.
It was so easy to fall into her. To throw caution to the wind when her skin was the softest thing he had ever touched, to silence the sounds in his head when her sensual sighs filled his ears, to push aside the consequences to tomorrow when she flipped them around and pushed him down on the bed and kissed him in a way that only she knew how. The way that made his toes curl and brought all of his senses alive. The way she took over all of his senses until all he could see was her, all he could feel was her, taste was her.
The morning light would bring a new development to their new tentatively renewed friendship but here in the now, neither of them found it hard to care, too busy consumed with each other.
Jay laid a kiss on Erin's forehead and he tucked her hair behind her ear, being extra careful to not wake her up just yet. The morning had brought a sense of calmness in the air and Jay didn't want to disturb it just yet. Instead he scooted closer to her and buried his face in her hair, smiling to himself when she placed her hand over his heart. Even in her sleep, that was her favorite place to touch him.
He glanced at the clock and saw that it was only six in the morning, too early for Erin to get up. She was a late riser, always grumpy in the morning if she was woken up too early. Jay certainly didn't want to put her in a bad mood so he just closed his eyes, trying to go back to sleep.
It must've been an hour or two later when he woke up again, this time finding Erin awake also.
"Were you watching me sleep? Creepy," he teased with an easy grin.
She just scoffed and laid a quick kiss on his chest. "Since when do you wake up this late?" she asked, placing her chin on his chest and gesturing over at the clock that read 10 in the morning.
So it had been more than a few hours since he had fallen back asleep. "In my defense, I did wake up at six but saw that you were still sleeping so I fell back asleep."
"So you were the one that was watching me sleep. Now look who's creepy," Erin shot back, showing off her dimples .
Jay rolled his eyes fondly and wrapped his arm around her tighter. They just looked at each other, matching soft smiles on both of their faces, just letting themselves be before reality creeped in.
"So…" Erin began.
"So."
"Last night was great." Jay's eyebrow rose. "Amazing," she corrected. "But maybe it wasn't the best…"
Before she could finish her sentence, Jay placed his finger over her mouth, stopping her from talking.
"Do you know what I can't stop thinking about?" he asked, interrupting what she was about to say. She shook her head.
"What?"
"I'm thinking about all of the last times we had before you came back. That the last time I talked to you was over the phone and it was over some half-hearted voicemail. The last time I kissed you was just a peck. The last time we made love last minutes, not hours like it should've been."
"What are you saying, Jay?" Erin asked, propping her head on her elbow.
"We took everything for granted, just thinking we had more time. That our 'lasts' wouldn't be our 'lasts'." He shifted so he was on his side, his elbow holding his head up like her. "I think we deserve a better ending than that, don't you? More memorable lasts. Something that is worth what we meant to each other and our relationship."
Erin bit her lips. "Was last night your way of saying goodbye?" she asked, something that sounded like fear clouding her voice.
Jay immediately shook his head. "No." He slowly leaned over and kissed her, cupping her face and running his thumb over her jaw. Their breaths ghosted over each other when he rested his forehead on hers.
"Then what are you saying?" she asked.
"I'm not ready to say goodbye to you," Jay replied, kissing her nose. Erin looked like she was about to say something but he cut her off. "I know that you're leaving in a couple of months. I won't try to stop you. But maybe this time when you leave, it'll be different than last time."
"You mean…"
"Let's take this day by day," he suggested, looking at her apprehensive, trying to read her thoughts. Jay knew he was asking a lot but all he knew was that he wanted to make the best of the time left with her, no matter how short that time was. "Yeah?"
Maybe this time when they do have to say goodbye and Erin left him for New York again, he wouldn't crumble and fall to pieces like last time. Maybe this time they could give their relationship the goodbye it deserved.
He waited for Erin's answer and found himself smiling when she nodded.
"Yeah."
A goodbye was inevitable. In two months, Erin would leave. But for now, Jay just focused on kissing her until their lips were blue and his name was the only thing left on her mind.
AN: This story was meant to be a one-shot and it's already finished but I had to cut it because otherwise, it would've been ridiculously long so part 2 is coming up.
I know that some of you guys have been patiently waiting for update for Slow spinning redemption so that's coming up after this so please look out for that.