PENG | CHAPTER 01: PATRIOTIC CHAV | BY TWISTED ETERNAL WOLVETTA

"Ah' guwwa shank yer mam, duck." The crazed woman intimated Natsuki and her mother in an alleyway. Who the hell is this?! She wore a mauve kimono with a tracksuit top. Obscenely, rather than traditional geta and tabi, she wore trainers with socks that drooped down. "Naugh, 'and mesen yer yen." She aimed her shiv for Natsuki's throat who pressed her back to the wall. "Yer dunna wunna ge' 'hur-à, misseh."

A panicked Saeko could only scramble for her purse.

"Ace. Yer cun' offah meh yer bike an' all?" Shizuru gestured to the Ducati parked beside them, waving her blade towards it. "Ma' Tesco trolleh's a load o' shi' an' meh meal deal's gohn off."

"I-I…" Natsuki speechlessly muttered at her. What. Is she hallucinating? Is this a nightmare?

"Oi, yer peng thang, wanna ge' in meh' trolleh?"

"What the hell are you even on about?!" Natsuki demanded, her patience having worn thin with this absolute maniac. Standing in front of her mother protectively, she stared the woman dead in the eyes. "Get the fuck away from us!"

"Ah, well…" The woman's voice lowered suddenly, sounding strangely broken. Leaping into action, she spun on her heel and retreated towards the corner. The two women could only glance at one another flabbergasted. Then, the brunette reappeared, sitting seiza within her Tesco trolley. It slowly rolled down the alleyway before them. Insanely enough, the lunatic had a boombox in her trolley which blasted an old patriotic song—karaoke edition. "When Bri'un firs' ah' 'eav'n's command, aro-o-o-ose from aught th' a-a-azureh main!" The shopping cart wobbled against the cobblestones. Abruptly, the two women noticed the insane woman was surrounded by aubergines and… leeks? "Arose, arose from ah-ah-ah-aght th' a-zure main. This was th' cha'à the cha'à of the lund, an' guard-yan a-a-anjel sang this strain:" Slowly the trolley continued on its wobbly path: All the while the lunatic picked up a box of Yorkshire tea bags and took aim. Her target was a redheaded middle schooler. "RULE BRI'TANNIA! BRI'TANNIA RULE THE WAVES!" The box slammed against the oblivious girl's head, causing her to shriek out in shock. "Bri'uns nevuh, nevuh, nevuh shall be slaves." This time an aubergine was wielded, the nightshade plant getting chucked at this unfortunate person. "RULE BRI'TANNIA! BRI'TANNIA RULE THE WAVES, BRI'UNS NEVUH, NEVUH, NEVUH SHALL BE SLAVES." Taking a breath, she roared: "RULE BRI'TANNIA! BRI'TANNIA RULE THE WAVES, BRI'UNS NEVUH, NEVUH, NEVUH SHALL... BE... SLAVES…!"

As Fujino Shizuru's voice faded within the distance, Kuga Saeko's knees buckled. Collapsing, she cupped her face. "I-I… I…! N-Natsuki?" She stared at her daughter in horror. What the hell?!

Yards away, all they could hear was Yuuki Nao throwing curses at the crackhead.

Holy shit.

A/N: You can blame Ryan over on the Discord group for this amazing idea we conjured up at 2am. I've thrown together English Midlands and Northern dialects to create this dumpster-tornado. If you're feeling as particularly British as Chavzuru, the anthem used was Rule Britannia. God save Queen Elizabeth II!

Vocab:

Ah': I
Guwwa: Going to
Shank: Stab
Mam: A Northern Mother.
Duck: Midlands title meaning Lord. Think of the Japanese title dono.
Naugh: Now.
Mesen: Me/Myself (Midlands English unisex pronoun).
Dunna wunna: Don't want to.
Hur-à: Hurt
Misseh: Missy.
Ace: Cool, amazing, good etc.
Cun'/Cunt: Couldn't.
Offeh meh: Give me.
Trolleh: Trolley/cart.
Gohn: Gone
Peng: Attractive, hot person.
Thang: Thing.
Chav: Low-class tracksuited person, slur. Imagine a squatting Slav blasting dubstep-rap and drinking gin.