Author's Note: Hey-ho! A little backstory for this one-shot: it was originally written as a gift for my good friend Foolsgold Fenrir, as part of a Secret Santa exchange in a Discord server we were both in. Since it was a gift for her, and the material of the fic was way outside my comfort zone, I initially intended it to be for her eyes only, but I've loosened up since then, and it would be a shame not to publish this story anyway, considering how hard I worked on it. So, enjoy!
I'm Captain Dodge – thank you, and have a nice April Fools' Day!
(…)
Leni Loud walked into the family room wearing a red shirt, a brown flak jacket, a bandolier studded with bullets, and khaki pants. She set her minigun down on the coffee table and sat on the sofa.
"I am Heavy Weapons Girl," she said. "And this…" She grabbed her minigun by the handle. "…is my weapon. She weighs 150 kilograms and fires $200 custom-tooled cartridges at 10,000 rounds per minute." She stared hard at you, the reader. "It costs $400,000 to fire this weapon… for twelve seconds."
"Leni, come on," said Lori, who was wearing a helmet and a red jacket adorned with a grenade belt. "That thing is made out of papier-mâché, and you know it."
"You think you can outsmart me?" Leni said, turning to her. "Hmph… maybe. Maybe." She held up a papier-mâché bullet. "But I have yet to meet one who can outsmart bullet."
"Ahem." Lisa, who was wearing her lab coat, cleared her throat. "I believe I may just be that one." She patted her real, fully-functioning Medi Gun. "As soon as my ÜberCharge is ready, that is…"
"Lisa, are you sure that thing works?" Lori asked.
"Heh, heh, heh…" Lisa chuckled sinisterly. "I have no idea!"
Lori raised an eyebrow, taken aback. "Yeah, that's… totally not reassuring at all. And so unlike the real Lisa – if only a little." She groaned. "Why are we doing this, again?"
"Come on, Lori," said Lincoln, who was shirtless, with (fake) white chest hair in the shape of Australia on his chest and a glorious (and again, fake) white mustache on his upper lip, and was wearing nothing but an Akubra hat studded with crocodile teeth, denim shorts, and boots. "You know why. Do I really have to reiterate for you?" He blinked, then stole a glance at you, the reader. "Well… maybe I do. Mom and Dad decided that we should all wear similar costumes this year to save money, and Lana won the draw for who would decide the theme." He gestured to their other siblings. "Look – everyone else is on board…"
Lori looked at the others, and the first thing she saw was Luna – wearing a beanie, an eyepatch, a fake beard, and a bomb jacket lined with fake grenades – drinking from a bottle of scotch.
"Luna!" she said, horrified. "Where did you get that?!"
Luna finished her swig and wiped her mouth. "Ah… Ye'd like to know for yerself, wouldn't yeh?" she said in her rarely-used Scottish accent.
Lori was aghast. "Wha – No! I'm not old enough to drink! And neither are YOU!"
Luna stumbled over and threw her arm around Lori's neck. "Och, dinnae worry yer wee head aboot it, lassie! Ah've been sneakin' swigs o' Dad's secret scotch stash since I was thirteen!" She belted out a hearty laugh, and Lori could smell the alcohol on her breath.
Lori threw off Luna's arm and reeled. "Ugh…! We're going to have a serious talk about this tomorrow morning, missy!" She turned to Luan, who was wearing a yellow hard hat, goggles, overalls, and gloves. "In the meantime, Luan, could you keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't get into any trouble?"
"'Shore 'nuff, ma'am!" Luan said, saluting. "In fact, she looks like she could use 'another eye on her'! Hahahahaha! Get it?"
"Hey!" Luna jabbed a finger at her. "Stuff those puns back doon yer throat, an' stay in character!"
"Yeah, come on, Luan!" said Lana, who was wearing a slouch hat, shades, and a vest, and carrying a fake sniper rifle. "At least try to act like your character!" She pointed to Lucy, who was wearing a gas mask, an asbestos suit, and a belt of smoke grenades, and had a fake flamethrower strapped to her back. "Even Lucy is doing it, right, Lucy?"
Suddenly, Lucy removed her mask… and shrank a few inches, revealing herself to actually be Lola, wearing a balaclava and a classy pinstriped suit. She tossed away her mask and pulled out a cigarette.
"Ladies," she said in a faux-French accent.
"Oh, it's you, Lola," Lana said. She and Lincoln examined her mask, which upon closer inspection was just a crude doodle of a gas mask. "Hey… how the heck did you manage to fool us with this thing, anyways?"
"Wow…" Lincoln scratched his chin in wonder. "Lola must be one dang competent Spy…"
"That aside…" Lori angrily marched up to Lola and snatched the cigarette out of her hand just as she was about to light it up. "Alcohol is one thing, but cigarettes?! REALLY, Lola?!"
"Oh, relax, Lori – they're fake!" Lola reassured her. "They're filled with oregano. I could stuff my mouth full of these things and light them all up, and I wouldn't be any closer to cancer than I was before!"
Lori narrowed her eyes at the cigarette suspiciously. "Hmm…"
Luna swaggered up to her. "'Ere, let's see that fag…"
Lori wheeled around to face her with an astonished look. "Excuse me?!"
"The cigarette, ya daft broad!" Luna rolled her eye and sighed. "Feckin' doss Yanks…"
Grumbling, Lori reluctantly handed over the cigarette, which Luna examined closely. "Hmm…" She sniffed it. "I dinnae smell tobacco… Lola?"
Luna held out the cigarette, which Lola lit up with her lighter. Luna took a puff, held it, then released. "…Aye, the wee lass is right," she concluded, handing the cigarette back to Lola. "There's nae tobacco in these fags!"
"Well, I'll take your word for it…" Lori got up close and personal with Luna. "But how do you know what a REAL cigarette tastes like?"
Luna shifted her gaze away. "Er…"
"We're going to talk about that when we get back, too." Lori shook her head, sighing. "So then, if that's not Lucy, then where is Lucy?"
"Mmph mmh."
"GAH!"
Lori jumped three feet in the air as she realized that Lucy was right behind her. She fought to recapture her breath. "Hah… hah… Sheesh, Lucy! Maybe we should have made you the Spy…"
"Hrrph…" Lucy sighed. She didn't get it. This was supposed to be her favorite day of the year. Even if she wouldn't be manning the haunted maze this year, she would at least be out trick-or-treating. And yet, for some reason, wearing this costume just made her want to stay in her room and read Princess Pony…
"Well, look at my little team of mercenaries!" said Mrs. Loud, who was wearing a purple dress, purple earrings, and a black wig with a white streak. "You've really outdone yourself with the costumes this year, Leni!"
Leni nodded, beaming. "да!"
"Looks like we're all ready to go!" Mrs. Loud bounced Lily, who was wearing her lavender shirt, pants, and fake glasses with her tuft of hair dyed black, in her arms. "How about you, Lily – oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Pauling?"
Lily clapped her hands. "Lily is Miss Pauwing!"
"And what a cute little Ms. Pauling you are!" said Lynn, who was carrying a metal baseball bat and wore a solid red T-shirt, dog tags, a baseball cap, a headset, brown pants, and a backpack slung across her shoulder. She took Lily out of Mrs. Loud's arms and started nuzzling her, much to the latter's enjoyment. "Who's a cute Ms. Pauling? Huh? Who's just the most adorable Ms. Pauling ever? You are! Oh, yes you are…!"
While Lori watched Lynn fawn over Lily excessively like someone had replaced her sister (possibly a BLU Spy), Lincoln just nodded. "You see, Lori?" he said. "Everyone's acting out their part! Why can't you?" He gave his big sister a pleading look. "Come on, Lori, it's for Lana. AndaveryspecialfriendofCaptainDodge," he added under his breath, "but mostly Lana! Get into character, please?"
Everyone else looked at Lori expectantly, smiling. Seeing that she was outnumbered, Lori uttered a heavy sigh.
"…Fine," Lori said. "Just give me a minute here…"
As the others nodded and grinned, happy to have Lori playing along at last, Lori shut her eyes and concentrated, shutting down brain cell after brain cell to properly portray the type of jingoistic moron she was going for Halloween as. As soon as she started thinking that Trump may have been right about the election being rigged, she knew she had reached the right amount of crazy. She opened her eyes and took a deep breath.
"Ten-HUT!" she bellowed. "Fall in, you miserable maggots!"
Hearing the overpowering authority in her voice caused everyone to snap to attention and fall in line, oldest to youngest. Lori marched back in forth in front of them as she laid out her speech.
"All right, ladies," she said, "listen up! Our goal is to secure the enemy intelligence – by which I of course mean 'candy'." She pulled up a map of Royal Woods. "We will make a complete sweep of our neighborhood, with a brief foray into the gated community. We will progress north to Rubiner St., then continue east until we reach the wall surrounding the gated community. We will scale the wall with ropes, secure 'intelligence' from these houses…" She pointed at houses marked with an "X". "…and then leave the same way we came, leaving no evidence of our presence. After that, we will circle clockwise until we reach Home Base." She turned to her team with a glint in her eye. "If all goes well, we'll have more 'intelligence' than we can finish before Christmas!"
"How hard can it be to finish something before Christmas?" Lynn whispered to Lincoln.
"Harder than you'd think," Lincoln whispered back. He looked at me, the author and narrator. "Isn't that right, Captain?"
Lori closed her eyes, her visage solemn. "I'm not going to lie to you, men: this will be dangerous. Some of you won't make it back alive. But know that if you fall, we will always carry the torch of your memory in our hearts, and when we enjoy our bounty of 'briefcases', we will whisper a prayer for you, wherever you may be…"
"We're not really going to die… are we?" Lola whispered to Lana.
"I don't know, maybe," Lana whispered back. "Just forget it – she's on a roll here…"
"Now!" Lori straightened up and faced the team directly in front of them. "Any questions?"
Leni raised her hand. "Yeah, uh –"
"CAN IT! That was a trick question! Soldiers do not ask questions – soldiers follow orders whenever they are given!"
"Wait…" Luan said. "If you're a soldier, and you said that that was a 'trick question', then doesn't that mean that you just asked a quest—"
Lori got right up in Luan's face. "So help me, Private Twinkletoes, if that sentence is punctuated with a question mark, I will stuff my boot so far up your rear end, you'll be coughing up mud for a week! IS THAT CLEAR, MAGGOT?!"
Luan gulped, then nodded meekly.
"Good!" Lori stepped back, casting her steely gaze over the entire team. "Now, are we all clear on the plan?"
"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" everyone responded while saluting – except for Lana, who responded with "Sir, yes, sir!" When Lori shot her a withering glare, she shrank back, then amended her response to "Ma'am, yes, ma'am!"
With a flourish, Lori pulled out her fake shotgun and cocked it. "It's time to carpe noctem, boy and girls – seize the night!"
The RED Louds let out a lusty cheer.
"MOVE OUT!"
The kids gathered up their weapons and trick-or-treat bags, and prepared to charge out the door.
"HOLD IT!" a sharp, authoritative voice shouted. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks, and turned apprehensively to an unamused Mrs. Loud. "Have you all forgotten who's really in charge, here? This match doesn't start until I say so!"
"Oh! Heh, heh… right…" Lori rubbed the back of her neck. "Sorry, Administrator…"
"It's alright, sweetie," Mrs. Loud said. "Now, then: are you ready?"
Lori stood at attention and saluted. "Ready, willing, and able, ma'am!"
"Then get moving – and good luck!"
(…)
The plan went off without a hitch. The RED Louds followed their route as it was charted, hitting each house along the way. Mrs. Loud and Lily formed up the rear, while everyone else walked ahead. (Mr. Loud, of course, was not with them, as he hated Halloween, and someone had to man the fort and hand out "intelligence" to any trick-or-treaters.) Along the way, the Loud siblings chatted about this and that.
"So, Stinkoln," Lynn said to her brother, "tell me – who would win in a fight? Saxton Hale, or Rip Hardcore?"
Lincoln stroked his chin. "Hmmm… that's a good question…"
While Lincoln and Lynn analyzed Hale's and Hardcore's strengths and weaknesses, Luan walked up to Lana, who – unusually for a Sniper – was at the front of the herd. "Hey, Lana," she said, "why did I have to be the Engineer? Why couldn't I be That Engineer? Hahahahaha! Get it?"
Lana shot her a confused look. "Um… no."
"Ah, well, doesn't matter. But seriously – wouldn't you be better suited to the role of Engineer? I mean, obviously…"
Lana nodded. "True, I am handy at building and fixing things," she conceded. "But then again, you set up masterful gadgets and traps during April Fools' Day, don't you?"
Luan smiled wistfully. "Oh, yeah…"
"And someone had to be the Sniper, so I thought, I've got a steady hand, good eyesight – why not have Luan be the Engineer, and I be the Sniper?" Lana shrugged. "That's my reasoning, anyways…"
Luan pondered Lana's explanation for a few moments. "Hmmm… Well, I guess it makes sense. And you're right – this team just isn't complete without every class filled, right?"
"Right!"
Satisfied, Luan slowed her pace to rejoin the main throng. Lana kept point, thinking about her lie. Everything she had just told Luan had been made up on the spot – her real reason for making herself the Sniper instead of the Engineer was because it was necessary for her plan tonight. Lacey St. Claire – that stuck-up snob – lived in that gated community. And Lana still stewed over every insult, every disparaging remark Lacey had made to her over the past year.
She'd been waiting for this night for a long time, and now the moment would soon be at hand. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Or in this case… a beverage.
The RED Louds arrived at their destination at 19:05 hours – slightly behind schedule, but nothing they couldn't work with. With expert teamwork, they made up for lost time, climbing over the wall in record time. Lana took Lily from Mrs. Loud, handed her down to Lori on the other side, then climbed down as Mrs. Loud climbed over.
Mrs. Loud landed on the other side and stretched. "Mmm… Boy, it's a good thing you kids convinced me and your father to start exercising – I never would have made it over that wall, otherwise!"
With that, the team's raid on Gantka Estates began. Their cover story was the same each time – they were new arrivals to the gated community, their arrival should have been announced to the whole neighborhood, they didn't know why it wasn't, they should take it up with whoever runs the community, can they have some candy now, please? Surprisingly, it worked every time.
The RED Louds rejoiced at the full-size "briefcases" they received, comparing their acquisitions with each other. Although Lana was happy with her haul as well, she kept her mind on her mission. The family wasn't planning to overstay their welcome in the gated community and be outed as intruders, so Lana would have to act fast. While her family was preoccupied with getting back over the wall, she would sneak away from the group and through the backyards to Lacey's house, where she would lie in wait for her quarry to return from trick-or-treating. She was still working on her excuse for when she reunited with her mother; right now, she was thinking of something along the lines of "wanting to stay longer in order to maximize her haul", but she was trying to think of a better one – one that wouldn't get her in as much trouble…
Just then, however, Lana saw Lacey St. Claire walking down the street towards her, accompanied by her dumb dog whose name Lana could not pronounce, along with two girls whom Lana assumed were Lacey's equally snobby friends. Well, well, well, Lana thought, it seems I won't have to abandon my family – my target's going to meet me halfway…
Although her family stopped at another house to ring its doorbell, Lana kept walking straight toward Lacey. For her costume, Lacey was wearing a blue dress over a white blouse with poofy sleeves, with her hair done up in pigtails, secured by blue ribbons, and she carried her dog in a basket. Lana frowned – she didn't know what it was about that blue dress, but it was triggering her.
When Lacey saw Lana, she recognized her almost immediately. "Well, well," she said, "if it isn't Lana Loud. Seems that our neighborhood's standards have lapsed, if they let you in…"
"Lacey," Lana spat.
Lacey looked at Lana's toy rifle. "Nice peashooter. What are you supposed to be, a crazed gunman?"
Lana gasped. "Wha – I'm not a 'crazed gunman', I'm an 'assassin'!"
"What's the difference?"
"Well, the difference being that one's a job, and the other's mental sickness!"
"And it's not hard to tell which of those two you've got…"
Lacey's flunkies all laughed at her little joke, while Lana blushed angrily. "O-Oh yeah? And what are you supposed to be, a redneck's sister/daughter?"
Lacey tossed her head. "Hmph! Isn't it obvious? I'm Dorothy Gale!" She held up that dog of hers. "And Victoire here is Toto! Honestly, haven't you ever seen The Wizard of Oz, you uncultured swine? And I do mean 'swine', what with the way you eat, act, and especially smell like one…"
Once again, Lacey's friends backed her up with laughter, and this time Lacey joined them. Lana, however, folded her arms and smirked, ready with a comeback this time. "I may not have seen that movie," she retorted, "but I know enough about it to know that Toto was a black dog. What are you trying to do, whitewash The Wizard of Oz?"
"Hmph!" Lacey ran her fingers through Victoire's coat. "Victoire receives exactly 100 brushes in the morning and at night, thus ensuring a clean, lustrous coat. I would not dare sully it with something as rank as hair dye…"
This is it – the "golden" opportunity… Lana faced her with a broad smile. "Well, soon it's gonna be sullied with something even ranker – and so are you…"
Lacey tossed her head. "And what might that be?"
Lana gripped her secret weapon tight, sporting a wicked look in her eyes. Then, she yelled one word:
"JARATE!"
Quick as a flash, Lana pulled out a jar filled with vile yellow liquid and threw it at Lacey with all her might. The jar shattered, splashing its contents all over Lacey and her precious dog, with her two cronies getting caught in the splash zone as well. Lacey was soaked through to the skin, and she stood there dripping, eyes wide and mouth agape, as Lana cackled her head off.
"Hah…! Ah…!" Lacey looked down at her now thoroughly-ruined costume, and at Victoire, who was not at all pleased. She turned to Lana with a volcanic fury welling inside her.
"Why, you…!" Just then, she smelled something – a very strong smell emanating from her clothes. "Wait…" She reluctantly lowered her head to her sleeve and sniffed, and when she recognized it, she started shaking. Ammonia.
"Is… Is this…?!"
"Yup!" Lana grabbed her crotch. "Home-brewed!"
The revulsion hit Lacey and her friends like a wave.
"Oh… my God…!"
Overcome with nausea, one of Lacey's friends threw up. The other started stripping off her costume, not caring that she was in public as long as she could get out of her piss-stained costume as fast as possible. And Lacey, mortified beyond belief, could do nothing but scream and run away, trying to block out the laughs and jeers of Lana and the less-empathetic witnesses who had seen everything. She couldn't be seen soiled and humiliated for much longer.
But most of all… she couldn't let Lana see how brightly she was blushing.
Lana watched her nemesis run away with sadistic glee, reveling in her misfortune. Finally, stuck-up Lacey St. Claire and her stupid blue dress had been knocked down a few pegs by someone who was supposed to be beneath them – and boy, did it feel good!
Lana sighed contentedly. Three months of jockeying and ballot-box stuffing to win the right to decide the Halloween theme in order to put her plan into action had finally, finally paid off.
"Yo, Lana!"
Lana turned around to see Lynn running at her, far outpacing everyone else. "There you are! Yo, where you been?"
"Oh, just…" Lana glanced in the direction that Lacey had run off in. "…catchin' up with an old mate o' mine, that's all!"
Lynn sighed. "Well, don't go runnin' off like that again, ya hea'?"
Lana waved her off. "Yeah, yeah, I got it…"
Lynn beckoned her to follow the group, which had now passed the two of them and was on the way to the next house. "All right, c'mon – we've gotta hit as many more houses as we can as fast as possible! The residents are startin' ta figure out that we don't really live here…"
Lana hauled her trick-or-treat bag over her shoulder. "Right!"
The RED Louds completed as much of the remainder of their circuit as they could. After the next four houses, they started getting dirty looks, and by the seventh house, the doors were shut to them, even though the interiors were lit and the residents were awake. The Louds took that as their cue to leave, and they started heading back to the area of the wall they had climbed over to get in. Lana held her hefty trick-or-treat bag with pride. She couldn't wait to finish off this perfect evening with a feast of full-sized "intelligence"…
But before she got more than a couple of steps, Mrs. Loud marched up and grabbed Lana by the arm.
"Hold it right there, 'Miss Jarate'!" Mrs. Loud said.
Lana went wide-eyed. "Wh-What?"
Mrs. Loud looked at Lori. "Lori, Lana, Lily and I are going on a special mission. I'm placing you in charge of the rest of the team. Get them back to home base safely; we'll rendezvous with you there later."
Lori saluted her mother. "Roger that!" She turned to the rest of the RED Louds. "Listen up – new orders from Administration! RV at the base with Sniper, the Administrator, and Miss Pauling; I have been made acting commander in the interim! Now move it!"
As her siblings left her behind, Lana was left at the mercy of her very displeased mother. "M-Mom?" she said. "W-What's this about?"
Mrs. Loud released Lana's arm and held up her phone. "Oh, you know, I just got a call from Mrs. St. Claire. You know… Lacey St. Claire's mother? That name sound familiar?"
Lana looked to the side, beads of sweat forming on her forehead. "Um…"
"Yeah, mm-hmm, she just called me to let me know that her daughter just got home early from trick-or-treating soaking wet – and not with water, either…"
Lana tugged on her collar. "S-So, what? W-What's this got to do with me?"
Mrs. Loud shrugged. "Oh, nothing, really… Except that Lacey says that it was you who splashed her with unmentionable fluids!"
Lana winced. She knew for a while now that she had been busted, but only now could she stop plausibly denying it. "Oh, come on, Mom! I've told you before that Lacey St. Claire picks on me…!"
Mrs. Loud shook her head. "Uh-uh, no excuses, young lady! You do not splash someone with your bodily excrements without their permission, no matter what they might have done to you beforehand! How many times do we have to go over this?!"
"Aw, Mom…!"
"So you know what we're going to do?" Mrs. Loud pointed down the street. "We are going to march right over to the St. Claires' house, and you're not only going to apologize to Lacey for dirtying her like that, but you're also going to make it up to her by sharing half of your candy with her! Got that?"
"What?! But Mom –!"
"No 'but's!" Mrs. Loud grabbed Lana's arm again and started dragging her down the street. "Let's go, young lady!"
"Awwwww…!"
And Mrs. Loud started down the street to the St. Claires', with Lily in her arm and Lana in tow…
(…)
Leni sat on top of the wall, grabbing bags of "intelligence" that Lori and Luna handed up to her. (By now, Luna had sobered up slightly, although she was still quite inebriated.) Leni then handed the bags down to Lincoln, waiting with the others on the other side of the wall.
"Easy… Easy!" Lincoln said. "That's precious cargo, there!"
The others – Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, and Lisa – all stood guard over the bags of "intelligence" heaped together in a pile. Luan pulled her goggles off in marvel of all the accumulated "intelligence".
"Whooooo-wee…" she said, "…would ya lookit' all this here 'intelligence'! Tonight, we'll feast like queens!"
"Heck yeah, we will!" Lynn added.
"Mmmph mmr mmm mmmr mrrrph…" Lucy added.
Unfortunately, it seemed that Lucy had spoken too soon, as a siren and flashing red and blue lights caught the RED Louds' attention.
Lola grimaced, exhaling oregano smoke through her nose. "Merde… It's the police…"
Two officers stepped out of the car on the side of the road adjacent to the wall, shining a flashlight at the enterprising kids. "What's going on here?" one of the officers said.
Lisa cleared her throat. "Erm, uh, e-evening, officers!" she said, waving. "We were just on our way home from trick-or-treating!"
The other officer shone his light at Leni, still atop the wall and obliviously handing bags down to the inattentive Lincoln, whose attention was now on the officers. "We mean, what are you doing climbing the wall like that?"
"Mmmph mmm mrrrph mph mmph mm mmm –" Lucy began, before Lynn covered her respirator and cut her off.
"Uh, heh, heh, w-what she means to say is, we were just on our way home, like we said!"
"So why are you climbing the wall, instead of using the gate?"
Lynn looked around, sweating. "Uh… Uh…"
The first officer, whose name tag the RED Louds could now read as "Peterson", frowned at them. "Oh, I see what's going on here…" He gestured at the wall with his flashlight. "You know why there are walls and gates around this community?"
Lynn knew she wasn't going to like the answer, but she asked anyways. "…W-Why?"
"To keep people that don't live there out – people like you. You know what it's called when you go into a place like that without permission?"
Lynn sighed. "…What?"
"Trespassing. You know what the penalty for trespassing is?"
"Hmph. Nothing pleasant, I'd imagine…" Lisa spoke up.
"You've got that right, little lady," the other officer said.
Lincoln stepped in on behalf of his sisters. "Officers, look – we're really sorry about this! We didn't mean any harm – we just wanted the full-size candy bars the people in this community hand out to trick-or-treaters, that's all!"
Officer Peterson scratched his chin. "Hmmm… 'Full-size candy bars', you say?" He eyed the pile of "intelligence" greedily. "Mind if we… take a look?"
Lynn discerned his intentions right away. "What?"
"Lynn!" Lincoln admonished. Looking at the officers, he slowly nodded. "Sure…"
Grinning and licking their lips, the two cops sauntered up to the "intelligence" and peeked inside the bags. "Hey, look at this!" Officer Peterson said. "Hershey Bars, Crunch, Butterfingers, Twix, Snickers… The kid was right – this neighborhood does give out the best treats!"
Lynn folded her arms, scowling. "Are you quite done, yet?" she asked testily.
"Yeah, we've seen all we need." The two policemen stood up. "Tell you what," Officer Peterson said. "We'll overlook your little trespassing incident… if you give us some of your candy."
Lisa exhaled slowly. "…How much of our candy?"
"Enough."
The tone of his voice implied very well how much "enough" was. Lynn shook her head hard. "No way… No way!" She tried to rally the others around her. "Guys, come on! We worked hard for this candy! we can't just let these guys take it – even if they are cops!"
Officer Peterson shrugged. "Well, all right, then. If you're not willing to negotiate, then I guess we'll just have to do our jobs, and report this –"
"Wait!" Lincoln shouted. He looked at each of his sisters' faces – Lucy's masked one, Lynn's defiant one, Lola's defeated one, and Lisa's dismayed one – and then at the officers. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.
Keeping his sisters out of trouble was more important to him than all of the "intelligence" in the world.
"…Fine. You win." He trudged over to the pile, grabbed four heavy bags, and laid them at the officers' feet. "Will that be enough?"
Officer Peterson pretended to think. "Hmm… I'm afraid not."
Lincoln shared a glance with his sisters, then glumly forked over another two bags. "There."
The mean look in Officer Peterson's eye didn't go away. "More."
The girls could only watch in quiet resignation and Lincoln handed over more and more "intelligence", and the cops kept raising the bribe. They wanted more than anything to protest, but one look at the officers' smug smiles reminded them that they were in no position to negotiate.
In the end, the RED Louds were left with nothing but one measly half-empty bag for the lot of them to share. Chuckling, Officer Peterson and his partner gathered up the rest of the "intelligence" and slung it over their shoulders.
"That'll do just fine," Officer Peterson said. "You kids have a Happy Halloween, now!"
By this time, Lori and Luna had been helped over the wall by Leni, and all three of them had rejoined the team. Leni walked up to Lisa, confused.
"Hey, what happened?" she asked. "Where'd our 'intelligence' go?"
"We had to give it up to those police officers so they would not report us for trespassing," Lisa said.
As Lori walked up to him, Lincoln cast his gaze to the ground. "I-I'm sorry, Lori… It was the only thing I could think of…"
But Lori placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, Lincoln. I'm proud of you for looking out for all of us."
"D-Do you think we can fill up the bag with more trick-or-treating?" Luan proposed.
"I don't know," Lynn said, "it's getting pretty late. And that still wouldn't be much for all of us…"
Lisa watched and simmered as the two bullies in uniform loaded up their hard-earned "intelligence". With venom in her words, she said, "Just a pair of the finest specimens of our boys in blue…"
Luna wheeled around. "Eh? Did someone say 'BLU'?"
"No, Luna –"
But before Lisa could clear up the misunderstanding, Luna had whipped out her grenade launcher, and fired…
…a disturbingly realistic-looking grenade at the two officers.
Officer Peterson turned around when he heard the grenade bounce to a halt behind him. "What the –?"
"Grenade!" his partner shouted. "Look out!"
Officer Peterson's partner grabbed him and pulled him back, just outside of the blast radius. The grenade went off with a spectacular BOOM! As the dust cleared, both the officers and the RED Louds stood staring, mouths agape.
Finally, Lola turned to Luna and broke the silence. "You had a REAL grenade launcher?!"
Luna looked down at the weapon in her hands. "…I had a real grenade launcher?"
"Jesus!" said Officer Peterson, finally coming to his senses and springing to his feet. "These kids are packing heavy firepower!"
The RED Louds held their hands out in front of them. "No, no, wait officer, you don't understand –" Lori said.
But it was too late. Officer Peterson drew his gun in a blind panic and started firing at the group that included very young children. Screaming, the RED Louds ran for the only cover they could find – a group of large bushes abutting the wall. Luna, for her part, also panicked and started firing off more grenades, which exploded all around the officers and scattered dust and debris everywhere.
"Call for backup!" Officer Peterson shouted to his partner. "These kids are armed, and extremely dangerous!"
Lori braved the danger long enough to pull Luna into cover with the others. As bullets whizzed over their heads, the RED Louds desperately tried to regroup.
"Oh my gosh, you guys," Lola said, "what are we going to do?!"
"Well, first things first," Lori said, turning to Luna. "Luna, where the heck did you find a real grenade launcher with REAL grenades?!"
"I don't know!" Luna said. "Sully got this thing for me, and I have no idea where he got it from…!"
"Wait, doesn't Sully's dad own the Army surplus store downtown?" Luan said.
Luna shrugged. "Yeah, so what?" It took a few moments of her looking at her siblings' dry stares and her weapon to make the connection. "Oh…"
"Hey, wait a minute, where's your Scottish accent?" Leni asked. "Aww, Luna, you broke character!"
"WE ARE GETTING SHOT AT!" Luna screamed. "PRIORITIES, LENI!"
"Speaking of which," Lincoln added, "I'm not complaining or anything, but aren't these guys supposed to be trained with their guns?" He peeked over the top of the bush. "Why do they keep missing us?"
"Duh!" Luan said. "It's because we're not black!"
She had a hearty laugh, but her siblings just groaned at her off-color (no pun intended) joke.
"Well, we've got to put a stop to this, right now!" Lori declared. She stood up, waving her hands above her head. "Wait! Stop shooting! We mean you no harm! This was all just a misunderstand – AH!"
A bullet struck Lori square in the shoulder, causing her and her younger siblings to scream. Lori stumbled back behind the bush, cradling her gunshot wound.
"Ah…! Oh, God, I'm hit! I'm hit! MEDIC!" she cried.
"Hold on!" Lisa fired up her Medi Gun, aimed, and fired at Lori. The tissue knitted back together before Lori's very eyes, and within seconds, it was as if she had never been shot at all. "There, how do you feel?"
Lori rotated her shoulder. "Feels… good. So that thing does work?!"
"To be honest? I'm just as surprised as you are." Lisa turned to everyone else. "Siblings, it is clear that these police officers will not listen to reason. We need a plan to escape or defeat them."
"I could use this!" Luna said, holding up her grenade launcher.
But Lisa pushed it back down. "One that won't result in wanton destruction of public property!"
"Mmmh mmrph mm mmr mmmph," Lucy said. "Hrmmph hmm, mmph mmm mm mmm mmph mmph mm mm mmmh mrph, mrr mpph mmph mmf mmph mmr. Mrr mrrph, mmrph mmmph mmph mm mmm mmmrh, mmmph mph mmr mr mm mmm. Mrr mmph mph, mrr mpph mrph mph mph mrh, mr mrrr mmph mffh. Mrh?"
For a few moments, everyone stared blankly at Lucy. Then, Lynn snapped her fingers. "I've got a better idea," she said. "Why don't we try fighting back against those guys?"
"With what?" Lori asked. "These guns aren't real!" She glanced at Luna. "Well, most of them, anyway…"
"No…" Lynn unsheathed her baseball bat. "…but our melee weapons are! I say we charge at them en masse, and take 'em up-close and personal! After all, these guys have worse aim than Stormtroopers, and even if they do manage to hit us, Lisa can stay in back with her Medi Gun and heal us up! What do you think?"
A smile crept across Lincoln's face. "…I like it!" he said, his inner Australian awakening.
"Hmm… it's so stupid and crazy, it just might work!" Lori said.
"Indeed! After all, it may very well be what they're least expecting!" Lisa said.
"Well, all right, all right!" She raised her bat. "Suit up, and let's waste 'em!"
The RED Louds all pulled out their individual weapons. Lori unfolded her shovel; Luna readied her now-empty bottle of scotch; Luan pulled out a monkey wrench (borrowed from Lana); Lincoln raised his trusty fists; and Lola unfolded her butterfly knife with a flourish. Lisa borrowed a can of Lola's hairspray and her lighter and gave them to Lucy to use as a makeshift flamethrower. Leni was the only one who made no effort to prepare to fight.
"Leni, what's wrong?" Lincoln asked.
"I…" Leni bit her lip. "I don't know, guys… I just don't think I can hurt those people… even if they did steal our candy, and are shooting at us…"
"Leni, please – we need you out there…"
"Don't worry, Lincoln," Lisa said. "I've prepared for this eventuality."
"Wha – really?" Lincoln looked around incredulously. "This exact eventuality?"
Lisa rolled her eyes. "I prepare for every eventuality, Lincoln!" She turned to Leni, reaching behind her back. "Leni, if you engage those police officers in fisticuffs…" She pulled out a delicious Sandvich. "…I'll give you a Sandvich."
Without a second's hesitation, Leni sprang to her feet, fists raised. "CRY SOME MORE!" she bellowed, charging at the police officers, who had now been joined by three more cars with six more police officers (all of whom had the exact same poor aim as the others).
The others watched Leni go, momentarily dumbstruck, then Lincoln shook his head. "Right! No more time to lose! Let's have at it!"
"YEAH!"
With a great cheer, the RED Louds all jumped to their feet, raised their weapons, and charged into the fray… except for Lynn.
"Wait, hold on, you guys, I'm not ready!" she said. She reached into the team's sole remaining bag of "intelligence", pulled out a can of Bonk! Atomic Punch, chugged the whole thing in three gulps, then crushed the can against her skull. "Now I'm ready! Let's go!"
And with that, she joined her siblings in combat with the cops…
(…)
Lana heard pops and shouts in the distance as she, her mother, and Lily walked down the street.
"Hey, what's that noise?" she wondered.
"Probably just some rowdy kids shooting off fireworks," Mrs. Loud said. "Now come on – we're here."
Lana looked up at the St. Claire house. It wasn't the mansion she was expecting, but it was certainly a great deal fancier than anything her family could afford. Mrs. Loud walked up with Lana in tow and rang the doorbell. Within a few moments, Mrs. St. Claire answered the door. She was a tall, dark-skinned woman with long, silky brown hair and a nice dress. This was clearly a woman who invested a lot in her personal appearance.
"…Hello, Mrs. Loud. Lana." Mrs. St. Claire's voice was as cold and crisp as the nighttime October air.
"Hello, Mrs. St. Claire," Mrs. Loud responded. "I believe my daughter has something she wants to say to you?"
Lana scuffed the ground with her foot, eyes downcast. "…Sorry," she grumbled.
Mrs. Loud grabbed Lana by the ear and forced her to look Mrs. St. Claire in the eyes. "What was that?"
"Ah! I'm sorry!" Lana repeated, louder and more clearly.
Mrs. St. Claire folded her arms and glared at her. "Well, you'd better be! What's the matter with you, splashing a jar of… ugh… urine all over my darling Lacey? You know, she's still up in her room, and she's still inconsolable! Why, I was just up there earlier, and I could still hear her sobbing…"
"Well, rest assured, Mrs. St. Claire, Lana has learned her lesson." She fixed her gaze on Lana. "Haven't you, Lana?"
"…Yes, ma'am."
"And in fact, she was just about to go upstairs and apologize to Lacey personally, as well as share some of her candy with her. Isn't that right, Lana?"
Lana gritted her teeth. "Yes, ma'am…"
Mrs. St. Claire nodded. "Good." She pointed upstairs. "Lacey's room is at the end of the hall. Do try not to upset her any further…"
Sighing, Lana trudged inside, dragging her trick-or-treat bag on the ground behind her, past Mrs. St. Claire and towards the stairs. Mrs. Loud shook her head.
"I'm terribly sorry about all this," she said. "Kids, right?"
Mrs. St. Claire sighed. "…I suppose."
"May we come in? Just for a little bit?"
Mrs. St. Claire closed her eyes and took a deep breath before stepping aside. "…But of course. I have some tea brewing, if you'd like…"
While Mrs. Loud and Mrs. St. Claire got acquainted, Lana went up the stairs and followed the hallway to the room at the end, which had a colorful, frilly sign reading "Lacey's Room" on it. She stood outside Lacey's door, hesitating. She clenched and unclenched her fists before finally biting the inside of her cheek and sighing.
…Let's just get this over with, she thought to herself.
She gave two light taps on the door. "…Lacey?" she called out.
There was no response. Lana tried again. "Lacey, it's me. It's… It's Lana."
Once again, no response. Lana leaned in, pressing her ear against the door. She could hear Lacey breathing heavily inside. This must have been what Lacey's mother had meant about Lacey still sobbing… Figuring that she couldn't hear her, Lana tentatively took hold of the doorknob.
"Lacey, I'm coming in…" she announced.
She opened the door slowly and slipped inside. She took in a deep breath, preparing her apology…
…and what she saw caused that breath to hitch in her throat.
Lacey was lying on her bed, half-naked. She'd stripped off her costume and was wearing nothing but her knee socks and panties. She was sniffing her soiled costume – the one Lana had splashed her piss all over – and panting heavily, her other hand wriggling frenziedly inside her panties.
Lana's jaw dropped. That sound she and Mrs. St. Claire heard wasn't Lacey crying – it was her masturbating.
Lacey threw her head back against her pillow. "Ah… Stupid… Stupid Lana! Argh, she's so disgusting!" She pressed the dress against her face, inhaling the strong musk. "Ahhh…! Oh…! I hate her! I hate her! Mmh…!" She tossed her head from side to side as her climax approached. Unconsciously, Lana crept closer and closer, her eyes riveted on Lacey's naked form. So enraptured was Lacey with her self-pleasure, she didn't even realize Lana was there.
Lacey bit her lip. "She's… She's scum! The lowest of the low! She's awful!" She let out an ecstatic moan. "So why… why…?" Her hand worked faster and faster, bringing her closer and closer to the edge.
"…Why does she make me feel so hot and tingly?!"
With that, Lacey arched her back and let out a series of quiet, shuddering gasps as the waves of passion rolled over her. She rode the orgasm to the end, then flopped down onto the bed, gasping for breath. Lana didn't quite understand what had just happened, but she was starting to feel "hot and tingly" too. Without realizing it, she had started chafing her thighs together. Now that she really stopped to think about it, Lacey really was beautiful. Her milky brown skin; her soft, bouncing hair; and now, her dark, perky nipples and long, slender legs. Lana drank all of Lacey in…
…until Lacey finally opened her eyes, saw Lana in her room staring at her, and froze stiff.
There was a long, painfully awkward silence, during which Lana and Lacey stared at each other, wide-eyed. Finally, though she really didn't want to, Lana felt that she had to say something.
"Um… hi, Lacey," was the best she could start with.
Lacey did not respond. Lana scratched the back of her head.
"…Um, so, I just came here to apologize for, you know… splashing my urine all over you, and offer some candy as a gift, but…" She cleared her throat. "I can see that you're busy, so I'm just going to go now, if that's all well and good with you…"
Not wanting to spend any more time in that room than she needed to, Lana about-faced and prepared to make her exit. Seeing her about to leave spurred Lacey to action.
"W-Wait!"
Quick as a Scout, Lacey jumped out of bed, grabbed Lana by the arm, and with an amount of strength that surprised Lana, flung her onto the bed, where Lacey quickly penned her in with her hands on both sides of Lana's head and her knees boxing in her hips.
Lacey looked down at Lana, panting and desperate. "How… How long…" she choked out. "…How long were you there? How much did you see? How much did you hear?!"
Lana winced and broke eye contact, blushing. "…Enough."
"'Enough'?! What do you mean, 'ENOUGH'?!" Lacey shook her head, tears starting to form in her eyes. She wiped them away, then fixed Lana in her gaze. "…Listen, Lana Loud. You cannot tell anyone about this. ANYONE. You got that?!"
"Well…" Lana dithered over how to possibly respond to such a request given what was at stake, and her eyes drifted over Lacey's sweating, naked body again.
And just like that, a devious idea popped into Lana's head.
Lana cracked a sly grin. "Well…" Without warning, she pulled a reversal on Lacey, flipping her over and getting on top of her instead. "…that depends. What can you offer me that will ensure my silence?"
Lacey grunted, glaring at Lana. "Hmph. What do you want? Money? Favors? Me to humiliate myself in public?"
"All of those do sound good…" Lana's hand drifted from next to Lacey's head down to her chest, tracing a line between her breasts. "…but I was thinking about something a little more… tangible. Know what I mean?"
Lacey's eyes widened as she realized what Lana meant. She started shaking, gritting her teeth. Her rage soon boiled over, and with another burst of strength, overpowered Lana and got on top of her again.
"You – are – the WORST!" Lacey shouted. "You are everything I despise! You're crude, and filthy, a-and disgusting, and, and…" Her breathing picked up its pace as she looked down at Lana. She started shuddering. "And… And… And I just can't hold back anymore!"
Before Lana could even figure out what was going on, Lacey had grabbed her by the lapels of her vest and pulled her in for a smooch, desperately pressing her lips against Lana's. Lana realized soon enough that she was kissing a girl – and not long after that, she discovered that she liked it.
As they sucked face, Lacey knocked off Lana's slouch hat and tossed it aside. Soon, Lana and Lacey began trying to see who could undress Lana the fastest. Lacey tore off her shades, Lana stripped off her vest, Lacey pulled her shirt over her head, and Lana kicked off her boots and yanked down her pants. In less than a minute, Lana had been stripped down to her panties, and the two girls took a moment to admire each other with naked bodies and naked desire, before their excitement got the better of them and they wrapped their arms around each other again and fell to the mattress, kissing and tonguing each other passionately.
Lana's lips soon left Lacey's and migrated further down, from her neck to her collarbone to her breast. Something instinctual awoke in Lana, and she found herself sucking on Lacey's pert, dark nipple. Lacey shivered and moaned, biting her finger in an effort to keep herself from crying out too loud. Lana then started lapping at Lacey's nipple with her tongue, trying to get a taste for her.
"You taste so sweet, Lacey…" Lana said. She drew her tongue all the way up Lacey's breast. "And a little salty, too." She laid her hand on Lacey's chest, feeling how soft and buttery smooth her dark, yet creamy skin was. "Yeah… You're like a salty caramel…"
"S… Salty…" Lacey recalled tasting her costume during her self-pleasuring session, and noticing a distinctly salty taste. She'd tried to get more moisture out of the fabric, but couldn't get much, and had to settle for licking the damp fabric. She wondered what it might be like to actually drink the stuff…
"S-Say, Lana, um…" Lacey averted her gaze, blushing. "Y-You wouldn't happen to have any more of that… what did you call it? 'Jarate'?"
Lana looked up at Lacey for a moment, surprised, then grinned. "Hmm… I might be able to whip up a fresh batch for you…"
Lacey's eyes lit up. Lana pushed herself up and hopped out of the bed, stripping off her polka-dot panties to reveal her hairless womanhood.
"On your knees," Lana directed.
Lacey eagerly complied, although she sat down on the floor rather than getting on her knees. Lana spread her lower lips apart for a better stream, and Lacey opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue.
"Hope you're thirsty," Lana said as she released her bladder.
A steaming golden stream issued forth from Lana's most intimate place, and Lacey eagerly drank it up. Just as she thought, it was salty and bitter, left a foul taste in her mouth, and burned her throat as she swallowed it, yet she somehow couldn't get enough. It was a messy drinking, with piss streaming down Lacey's chin and neck, and as Lana's bladder neared empty, the stream weakened, drizzling urine on Lacey's torso, until it abated entirely. Lana sighed with relief, and Lacey with satisfaction.
"Ah… So, how was that?" Lana asked.
Lacey ran her hands up and down her front, feeling how sticky the urine made her feel. "Lana Loud," she said, "you're such a dirty girl…"
Lana smirked in response, wearing an impish look. But her feelings of dominance quickly disappeared when Lacey jumped up and pulled her back onto the bed lying on her back, then stuck her head between her legs.
"Let me clean you up, then…"
To Lana's surprise, Lacey ran her tongue up Lana's slit, all the way up to her clitoris. Lana arched her back and gasped. She had always thought that her special area was only special because it was where pee and poop came out; she never thought it could make her feel this way!
Lana writhed and moaned as Lacey continued to lick her. She licked Lana's budding flower all over, then moved further down, intent on tasting every inch of her crevice, no matter how bitter or smelly. Lana was awash with sensations she'd never felt before, but now wished to keep sensing forever. Yet, it still occurred to her that she might have been selfishly enjoying such feelings alone…
"Ah… Mm… M-Me, too," she gasped out. "I-I want to lick you, too…"
Giggling, Lacey climbed up onto the bed and swung her leg over so that her crotch straddled Lana's face, while she was face-down in Lana's. As Lacey resumed her assault with her tongue, Lana moved Lacey's now soaked-through panties aside to reveal her glistening pussy. She gazed in awe, having never seen another girl's genitals before, and took the opportunity to now have a closer look. She spread Lacey's vulva, observing a small hole, which Lana guessed was her pee-hole, and a larger hole whose purpose Lana could not guess. Curious, Lana stuck her finger inside.
Lacey's head shot up. "Ah!"
Lana immediately pulled her finger out. "Oh, sorry! Did that hurt?"
"N-No!" Lacey was sure her heart had just skipped a beat. "No, that felt good. It just surprised me. Keep doing that!"
Lana eagerly obeyed, wondering what might be inside that hole that could elicit such a reaction from Lacey. She moved her finger all around inside, feeling all the contours, ridges, and bumps. Lacey's increasingly loud moans and the slight bucking of her hips was proof to Lana that whatever she was doing was making her feel really good. Thinking she might get a similar reaction from doing to Lacey what Lacey was doing to her, Lana removed her finger and started licking Lacey's vagina. The taste intrigued her – it was a little salty, but not very, and the juices also carried a strange type of sweetness. More than anything, though, it was the smell that was the most surprising. Lana had a tendency to scratch her crotch, and when she would impulsively sniff her fingers afterward, it would always knock her for a loop. Lacey's crotch, on the other hand, had an oddly fresh musk. This, Lana figured, must be the result of bathing regularly…
Lacey paused her cunnilingus session for a moment to take several heaving breaths. "Ooh… Oh… I-I think I'm getting close…"
"Close to what?" Lana asked.
"When I do this kind of thing enough, there's this sudden, intense feeling where my body just… lights up. I can't describe it, but it feels so good – and I can feel it coming close, now…"
"Oh…" Lana winced. "I… Now that you mention it, I'm feeling kinda weird, too…"
Lacey smiled, then dove back in to bring Lana to that one amazing moment. Lana felt that moment coming somehow, like a kind of pressure was building in her tummy. It was a little scary, but if Lacey was to be trusted, it would pay off in the end. So, what could Lana do to help Lacey feel that moment with her?
Lana turned her head, trying to think with pleasure signals flooding her brain, and saw something. Her toy sniper rifle was lying on the bed, within reach. Lana eyed the long, slim barrel of the gun and had an idea. If her finger in Lacey's hole could make her feel good, then maybe…
She reached out and grabbed the toy gun, hauling it in close. It bumped Lacey's foot, grabbing her attention.
"Hey! What are you doing?" Lacey asked.
Lana lined the gun barrel up with Lacey's hole. "Hold still…"
"What do you mean, 'hold still'? Hold still for wha – Ah!"
Grinning mischievously, Lana shoved the barrel of her toy gun into Lacey's hole and started moving it around. Lacey pushed herself up and cried out in pleasure, unable to contain her cries of ecstasy any longer.
"Ah! Ah! N-No! Don't…!" Lacey protested.
"Why?" Lana said. "I thought you said that this feels good?"
Unable to support her anymore, Lacey's elbows wobbled, then buckled, and Lacey hung her head down low, helpless against Lana's sudden attack.
But not completely helpless. "Grr…" Lacey held out two fingers. "Two can play at that game!"
She spread Lana's vulva wide with one hand, and with the other plunged two fingers hard into Lana's depths. Caught off-guard, Lana could only squeal at this unexpected move and move the makeshift gun-dildo around in Lacey's snatch harder and more erratically. Lacey responded in kind, and soon, the two young girls were on the brink of orgasm.
Lacey shut her eyes and gritted her teeth, trying to hold off the inevitable release for as long as she could. "Ah… Ah…! I can't…!"
"M-Me too!" Lana said. "I-I think this is it! I think I'm gonna…!"
"Ah… Ah…! Ah! Ah! Ah-Ah-Ah-AAAAH!"
Almost at the same time, both Lana and Lacey crossed the finish line, and a wave of pure pleasure washed over both of them from their quivering cores, overloading their brains with white-hot delight.
When it was over, for a few seconds, Lana didn't know where she was. When she regained her bearings, she saw that Lacey had flopped down on top of her, her face buried in Lana's crotch. Pinned by her weight, and feeling too light to move, anyways, Lana let her lie there until she gathered enough strength to push herself up and roll off.
The two girls laid there in that bed, gasping, still recovering from that incredible climax. Eventually, Lacey reached down, removed Lana's rifle from her vagina, then shifted around to set her head on the pillow next to Lana's.
Lana managed to turn her head to meet Lacey's gaze. After a while, she also managed to rediscover her voice. "Whoa…" was all she had the faculty to say at the moment.
"Hah… Yeah…" Lacey replied, equally discombobulated.
They laid there for a few more minutes, letting themselves calm down. Then, Lana broke the silence again. "So, uh… do I still have to apologize and give you some of my candy?"
Lacey shook her head. "…I think that more than makes up for what you did earlier."
"Good." Lana drummed her fingers on her chest. "So… how long have you felt that way about me?"
Lacey frowned. "…Look, Lana Loud. Just because we did this together, doesn't change anything between us. I still don't like you. At all." She flopped down onto the pillow, sighing. "But… I can't explain it, but there's something about how nasty you are that just drives me wild…"
"Hm… okay." Lana shrugged. "Well, I still don't like you, either, but I have to admit, the thought of doing naughty things with someone that I can't stand is really exciting to me…"
"Same here…"
Lana scratched her head. "So… where do we go from here?"
Lacey pushed herself up on one elbow, snorting. "Well, I'm not going to be your girlfriend now, if that's what you're asking. Or your friend. In fact, I don't think I'm even going to start being nicer to you…"
Lana looked surprised by that at first, but her face quickly turned into an angry scowl. "Yeah? Well, I don't think I will, either!"
"I don't care what you think!" Lacey snapped.
"No-one cares what you think!" Lana snapped back.
"You know what? Maybe I'll start being even meaner to you from now on…"
"Fine, then I guess I'll just start getting back at you even harder!"
"I'd like to see you try!"
"Maybe I'll throw poop on you next time!"
"Yeah, why don't you do that, then?!"
"All right, I will!"
"Good!"
"Fine!"
Then, Lana and Lacey pressed their lips together and started aggressively making out. Their tongues swirled around in each other's mouths and then separated, leaving a trail of spit between them.
"…I hate you so much," Lacey whispered.
"I hate you, too…" Lana husked.
It was time for round two. Lana rolled over and got on top of Lacey, lifting one of her legs up in the air. She sensually licked Lacey's foot, making her shudder, before pressing her pussy against Lacey's and rubbing them together. Lacey gripped the sheets on both sides of her, panting alongside Lana as their body heats started rising with their passions…
And then they heard a scream.
Startled, Lana and Lacey looked to the doorway to see Mrs. Loud, Mrs. St. Claire, and Lily all standing there. A silence that was somehow even more awkward than the one earlier when Lacey realized that Lana was watching her masturbate ensued.
Lana and Lacey looked at each other, then back at their moms. "…Hi, Mom," Lacey eventually said.
Mrs. Loud and Mrs. St. Claire, naturally, were beyond horrified by what they were seeing. "Girls?" Mrs. Loud said shakily.
Lily giggled and pointed at Lana. "Lana's nakey!" she said.
"L… L… Lacey, darling…" said Mrs. St. Claire, who had been the one that screamed. "…what are you—?"
"Uh…" Cornered, Lacey came up with the best excuse she could, under the circumstances. "This… isn't… what it looks like?"
A moment passed.
Then two moments.
Then three moments.
Then Mrs. St. Claire fainted.
"Oops…" said Lana. "Lacey, I think we killed your mom…"
(…)
After Lana was told that Mrs. St. Claire was in fact not dead, Mrs. Loud put Mrs. St. Claire to bed (in a different bed, not the bed that Lacey and Lana had soiled with their filthy, underaged lovemaking), then forced Lana and Lacey to take separate baths. She bade Lacey a curt good-night, then left with Lana and Lily.
They walked for several minutes in total silence, with Lana trailing behind Mrs. Loud and Lily. Lana rubbed her arm. Mrs. Loud hadn't turned back once to look at her since they left the St. Claires' residence, and it didn't take someone with the intellect of a Medic to guess what was going on in her mind.
"…Mom?" Lana said.
Mrs. Loud kept walking, not acknowledging Lana's call.
"Mom, talk to me, please…"
Mrs. Loud stopped walking, but didn't turn to face her. Lana winced. "L-Listen, Mom, about… a-about what happened back there –"
Finally, Mrs. Loud turned around to face Lana with the wrath of heaven in her eyes. Lana found herself involuntarily shrinking back.
"Lana…" Mrs. Loud said in a deadly even voice, "…listen to me very carefully. That, back there? No. NO. Never again… not until you're sixteen. Understand?"
From the tone of her voice, it was clear to Lana that this was not a discussion. "Yes, ma'am," she said quietly.
Mrs. Loud gave a quick nod in response, then turned around and kept walking. Lana followed after her, feeling dismayed. It seemed as though there would be no more hate-fueled trysts with Lacey St. Claire anytime in the foreseeable future…
They reached the wall where they had snuck into the gated community. Without a word, Mrs. Loud helped Lana and Lily over the wall, then climbed over herself. "Now, if you don't mind," she said as she straddled the top of the wall, "I think we'll skip the part where we catch up with your siblings, and just head straight home." She dropped down on the other side of the wall. "I've had enough unpleasant surprises for one night!"
She turned around, and was greeted by an unpleasant surprise.
The road had turned into a battlefield. Dead and dying cops, along with their abandoned cruisers, littered the streets. Lincoln, still not having exhausted his fount of manliness, was busy pummeling a man with his bare hands. Lola leaned against a cop car, smoking one of her fake cigarettes. Leni sat on top of the same car, nomming on a Sandvich. Lucy and Luan were roasting marshmallows over the fire of a dead body, and Lori, Luna, and Lynn were all trying on the hats of fallen officers, seeing which ones looked the best on them.
"KIDS!" Mrs. Loud shouted.
All the action ground to a halt. There was yet another awkward silence – and this one may just have been the most awkward of all, in Lana's opinion.
"…Hi, Mom," Lincoln eventually said.
"Wha… I…" Mrs. Loud turned to Lori, with all the blood having drained from her face. "Lori… what happened here…?!"
"Um…" Lori hesitated. "This… isn't… what it looks like?"
A moment passed.
Then two moments.
Then three moments.
Then four moments.
Then Mrs. Loud fainted.
Lana scratched her head. "Huh… déjà vu…"
The RED Louds all dropped what they were doing and reunited with Lana. "Is Mommy okay?" Lola asked.
"Yeah, don't worry, guys," Lana said. "I've seen this before. She's not dead."
"Well, that's a relief…" Lincoln said. "Say, Lana, where have you been?"
"Uh, first things first…" Lana surveyed the damage wrought by her siblings. "Did I miss something here?"
Luan looked sheepish. "Let's… just say we got a little too into character, if you know what I mean…"
"I don't know what you mean, actually, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to."
Lincoln nodded. "Right. So, anyway, where have you been?"
"Uh…" Lana tugged on her collar. "Well, I got into a little, er… altercation with Lacey St. Claire, so Mom brought me to her house so that we could make out – up! Make up! That's all we did, just kiss and make up – no, no, no, NOT kiss! Definitely not that!"
"Well, that all makes sense to us, dude, so why don't we –" Luna stopped. "Wait a minute…" She sniffed the air, pushing through the crowd until she was in front of Lana. "Do you smell that?"
Lana started gnawing on her lower lip. "W-What smell? I don't smell anything…"
"Exactly my point, dude. You smell clean – did you take a bath?"
Lana's eyes widened. "Y-Y-Yeah, so what? Even I bathe every once in a while…!"
"No, I mean really clean, dude. Smells like you took a bath recently…" She felt Lana's pigtail. "And look – your hair's still damp! How long ago did you take a bath, Lans?"
"I…" Lana started sweating. They were onto her; maybe she could throw them off by only admitting a little bit of the truth? "Okay, you got me – I took a bath at Lacey St. Claire's house. Happy now?"
"Yeah, but why is the bigger question. You having to take a bath there is pretty sus, dude…" She sniffed Lana some more, then froze when her nose picked up a new scent. "Hold the phone… I know that smell…"
"W-What smell? You just said there was no smell – hey! That's mine!"
Luna grabbed the barrel of Lana's toy sniper rifle and managed to wrestle it away from her. She smelled the tip of the barrel. "…That's love nectar! I smell love nectar on this gun, dudes!"
"'Love nectar'?" Leni said. "Like, from a 'love flower'?"
Luan whispered the real meaning of "love nectar" in Leni's ear. Leni gasped.
"Eww! From the vagina?!"
"Leni!" Lori shouted.
"Heh, heh, heh…" Lincoln snickered. "You said 'vagina'…"
"Lincoln, shush!" Lori stomped up to Lana. "Lana… WHAT did you do at Lacey St. Claire's house?!"
"Nothing!" Lana said. "We just… reconciled, that's all!"
"Oh, 'reconciled', huh?" Luan said. "Is that what they're calling it now?"
Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, and Lincoln all burst into laughter. Lana turned beet red. "S-Stop it!"
Lynn nudged Lincoln. "Hey, Stinkoln, when are you going to 'reconcile' with Ronnie Anne? Huh?"
She, Leni, Luna, and Luan all laughed again. Lincoln didn't betray any offense. "Hmm… not sure, Lynn. Maybe I'll ask Prez Taylor for advice – after all, you 'reconciled' with him not two months ago, right?"
Now it was Lynn's turn to blush, while Leni, Luna, and Luan all went "Ooooh…!", followed again by laughter. "Wha – I – No, I did –!" Lynn sputtered.
Lucy, Lola, and Lisa, meanwhile, all watched this spectacle in silence. "…I don't get it," Lola said.
"I do," said Lisa, "but I fail to find it amusing."
Lori, however, was by far the least amused. "Lana…" she said in a low voice, "…do you have any idea how much trouble you are in right now?!"
"Well, one thing I do know…" Lana gestured at the horrific mess the rest of the RED Louds made. "I'm in less trouble than you guys!"
"Can't argue with that," Luan said.
"Yeah, we went waaay overboard…" Lynn said.
"Okay, then," Lincoln said, "it's settled."
"What?" Leni asked.
"Next year… I'm picking the costumes."
And all the Louds burst into laughter together.
"Hahaha… Ha, ha, ha… Ha… Ha… Ha…" Lincoln wiped a tear out of his eye. "Ah… we're all going to juvie, aren't we?"
"Mm-hmm," said Lucy.
"Ohhh, yeah," said Lola.
"Without a doubt," said Lisa.
"For a long, LONG time," said Lori.
Lincoln sucked in a breath past his teeth. "Yep… thought so…"
"Well, we're lucky that all this is just a stupid fanfic," Luan said. She held up all the bags of "intelligence" that she'd retrieved from Officer Peterson's car. "Now come on, fam! Let's go home and see how much 'intelligence' we've acquired!"
And the RED Louds set out for home base, carrying their Administrator in a wagon behind them, joking and laughing about the comeuppance that they would never receive, because this is
THE END