When you lose someone, the world loses colour, and you find yourself searching for them in every sound, overloading your senses with all that is them, their scent, their eyes, their warmth, and yet no stranger or environmental setting could ever bring it back; bring them back. Mikasa's eyes were vacant, staring through the open door into a world that felt inaccessible. Her body felt heavy, almost as though the men had bolted her to the ground by her limbs and laid a boulder on her chest.
"Just get the girl and let's go. The Military Police will be here any moment now." One of the men said, stepping closer to her. He looked like a normal man, normal clothes, normal hat, normal body, something Mikasa hadn't expected of such a ruthless killer. His eyes had a hidden pain behind them; dwelling in shame and agony. The girl had never been part of the plan but with the mother gone, she was all they had, and they'd surely be killed if their client didn't receive his "Oriental". And yet the man couldn't help but stare at her small frame, smaller now than when he first met her, and think of his daughter.
Shaking the thoughts from his mind, the man in the hat heaved the small girl over his shoulder. She was light but he could tell he was carrying her dead weight. Guilt was swarming him, he had orphaned a girl, no older than his own daughter, and now intended to sell her off to a man who would treat her as a slave and a punching bag. He needed to get rid of her, remove her from his line of sight.
She didn't fight them or scream for help and part of him knew that made it so much worse but he thanked the stars that she hadn't cried or begged for help as he wasn't sure if he would stand any longer if she did.
"It's not very dignified, man, but it's her or us. You wanna see your girl again, right?"
The other man, a tall blonde man with a harsh gaze, spoke with an edge to his voice that was as though he was angry... or maybe he was scared. Mikasa didn't care to try to read his tone.
Mikasa felt as though she had escaped reality into a personal hell. The world was so dark and her mind had become a foreign place in which she found herself lost. It would be over soon; and then she could see her parents again. In heaven.
"Yeah, I know, just give me a break." He sighed and raised his solemn eyes to meet his friend's. "This can't be easy on you either." The man scowled and turned quickly on his heels, disappearing through the door.
Mikasa hated the forest at night. When she was younger, she had almost been attacked by the wolves there and had only survived thanks to her father's strength. Her father. He couldn't protect her anymore. What if she had run when her mother told her to? She could have hid until the Military Police showed up. Her cheeks flushed with heat, tears silently slipping down her pale skin.
"Let's just get this over with."
Mikasa fell limply into the back of the wagon, her head making a thump sound as it collided with the wood of the bench. The one with the hat climbed in behind her while the blonde man made his way to the font beside the third man, a smaller man with spiky black hair.
"I'm sorry about this, kid. If there was any other way- no. It's you or me." His voice drew her eyes to him. "So... you are still in there." He laughed dryly.
"I-" He tried to speak but he knew nothing he could say would justify what he did.
"What is your name? Your... own client will want to know it." She glanced away from him then, shivering from the cold, when a large piece of material was placed over her. A blanket.
"Mika... My name is Mikasa." Her name fumbled from her bluish lips.
"Okay. Thank you."
"Are you going to kill me quickly?" His eyes widened.
"What?"
"Will... will you kill me quickly so that I can be with my Momma and Papa?"
"Damn you! Don't try to pull that shit with me, I don't give a shit what happens to you once we get rid of you!" Mikasa shook at his raised tone, her face, once again, filled with emotion, as he watched the shock subside and her heart shatter in realisation. She wasn't going to be allowed to join her parents, she was going to live on alone; in a world scarier than death.
"No." She whispered under her breath with the same tears flowing down her face.
"Let me trade with one of you. I don't have the time for this bull."
Why did he leave her? Why couldn't they have just let her go? Hadn't she suffered enough punishment?
Since then, she was moved from wagon to cage, to wagon to cage until she stood, looking as fragile as a glass ornament, in front of a man submerged to his scalp in scars.
"This? This is the oriental I heard about? I was told she was a woman."
"I'm certain they meant girl because she is all that was there."
"No matter, her kind is rare anyway, young or adult. As far as we know, she is the last pure-bred oriental. Well done, gentlemen." He handed them a coin bag each, of which all three men appeared satisfied with.
Pure-bred. The phrase left a foul feeling in Mikasa's chest. They referred to her as though she was a pet, nothing but a collectors item.
"Thank you, sir."
"You may take your leave now, Gentlemen." They nodded and left the girl, only the man with a hat sparing one last glance at her, before dissolving from the room.
"Mikasa? Is that your name?" She nodded.
"You are not to respond to that name anymore," he daren't risk the girl be recognised for her name. "I will call you Matilde, a proper German name." Her name. It was all she had left of them.
"Do you understand?"
She nodded.
"Speak, girl."
"Ye- yes." She stuttered nervously.
"Yes, sir." He corrected her with a snarl.
"Yes, sir."
"Good, now, Bernadine," He called to a woman Mikasa hadn't even noticed lingering in the corner of the room. "teach Matilde what she is expected to do."
Bernadine nodded and dragged Mikasa out of the room by her wrist. Despite her firm grasp on Mikasa's wrist, Mikasa felt safer with Bernadine than with the scarred man.
Bernadine was a middle aged woman, near Mikasa's mother's age if she had to guess. Her hair was almost an exact replication of Mikasa's and yet she had deep icy blue eyes like Mikasa had never seen before.
'Is she... oriental too?' Mikasa pondered; she had no idea what the phrase had meant but knew it had something to do with her appearance.
"What is your name?"
"Mika-" The echo of a slap rebounded around the hall.
"What is your name?"
"Matilde." Mikasa squeaked out.
"Good. Please remember that. He doesn't like to be disobeyed." Mikasa nodded, following closely behind the woman. Bernadine looked sad, more sad than Mikasa had ever seen anyone look, her eyes in a distant place. Maybe she felt like Mikasa did, lost and scared.
"And you are... Ber... nah... dee yah?"
"Close, Bernadine. Ber... nah... deen."
"That's... that's a big name."
"That it is." Mikasa didn't know why she felt safe, what reason did she have to trust Bernadine? But she felt safe. Maybe it was because Bernadine wasn't too different from her.
The building was beautiful, Mikasa had neglected to notice the factor before, and looked like the beautiful castles of princes and princesses in the stories her mother would read to her. The walls were covered in paintings and shining golden decorations, it was all very fantastical.
"Hey, Matilde! Get over here!" She complied. "I'm not going to make you work today, you've clearly been through God knows what over the past few days. Get some sleep."
Alone again, Mikasa wished she could have cried or allowed herself an outlet but as soon as her head hit the pillow, she was asleep.
"Bernadine! Where is my dinner!" The middle-aged woman sighed, her heart aching for the young girl that the monster had 'purchased'. Mikasa Ackerman. She would not forget that name because Mikasa deserved her name to at least be recognised where it was being forced into hiding.
"I have it here, sir." She sighed, she would do everything she could to make sure that Mikasa would be spared from the backlash of her master's rage.
Bernadine retreated to her room for the night, limping. Her master had been harsh on her for delivering his food late. As an ex military man, he had little patience for a lack of punctuality. Mikasa was tossing in her sleep; a nightmare.
"Matilde…" Bernadine shook her in an attempt to wake her up. They'd surely be punished if the girl was too loud.
"Matilde… please stop. You're gonna make him mad." She shook her more aggressively, fear sinking in.
"Mikasa-" She whisper-shouted to the girl.
"Momma, I had this nightmare and-" Realisation sunk in for Mikasa, dragging Bernadine's heart down with it, hand in hand.
"I'm sorry." The girl with the black hair replied.
"No, it's okay. The nightmares I understand. That cannot be controlled." Bernadine placed a hand on Mikasa's cheek and the smaller girl had to fight to not fall into the warmth of the contact.
"Listen, Matilde, if you do as I say, how I say it, you will be okay. And I will protect you. Do you understand?" Mikasa nodded.
"Can you stay? Jus' until I fall 'sleep? Momma used to and-" She choked a sob and Bernadine pulled her closer for a hug. She was so small and frail and Bernadine felt responsible for her. She needed to get her out of there, and fast.
The next year passed quickly and Mikasa had survived. She had faced several beatings from the man but knew she faced a small fragment of his anger in comparison to Bernadine. The woman had kept her promise and had protected Mikasa from the worst of his wrath and in return Mikasa had listened to Bernadine's every word. But sometimes the master of the house took his punishments too far and Bernadine was locked away in the man's chambers overnight. Mikasa didn't know what he did to her, but Bernadine had expressed how she never wanted that punishment for Mikasa.
Bernadine stumbled into their room, a weak smile on her lips.
"Hey Mikasa." It had been just a month where Bernadine had called her Matilde until the woman had decided instead that Matilde was a name she would only use when Mikasa left the safety of their room.
"Hi. Are you okay? Where does it hurt?" Mikasa asked, monotonously. Bernadine had tried to hide the injuries from her but soon realised that she was better off letting Mikasa care for her injuries in order to work efficiently enough the next day to avoid a repeat.
"It's just my shoulder, it's not feeling great."
"Can I look at it?"
Bernadine smiled softly at her as Mikasa pulled the shirt to reveal a small box.
"What is this?" Mikasa asked, her eyes focused on the ribbon encasing the object.
"Happy Birthday Mikasa. You said February 10th… right?" Her eyes widened in shock. She knew Bernadine worked weekends in the town but hadn't realised what she'd been working toward.
"Bernadine… this seems expensive. You didn't have to-"
"Oh, shut up, Mikasa, just open it already."
Mikasa nodded excitedly, and it was the first time Bernadine had ever seen her look so happy. Inside the box, there was a note that read 'Happy tenth birthday, Mikasa Ackerman.' and a small silver necklace.
"It's nothing special… but it's all I could afford."
"No. It's so special. I love it. But… you don't have to waste your money on me." Mikasa mumbled morosely.
"Don't be silly, you're worth so much more than that. Some day you'll find yourself someone who will love you so much that they will top this gift by a million percent."
"What? Like a husband?" The girl was curious now. She had never thought that some day she could get married too.
"Not necessarily. Could be a wife, a friend, a pet… who knows?" The girl's grey eyes knit together in contemplation. Where would she meet such people if she was trapped in this archaic building?
"Anyway, enough blabbering. Get changed, we're going out." Bernadine said, matter-of-factly. Mikasa blinked in disbelief, eyes following Bernadine's movements.
"I… am I allowed to… uh… going out where?"
"Out. Now, move your ass." Bernadine rarely sweared, Mikasa noticed, unless she was giddy or anxious.
"Oh… kay."
The market was a place Mikasa had never expected to see herself, clad in a cute pink dress with a silvery-grey cardigan. She couldn't help the smile that graced her lips, hands held tightly onto Bernadine's left hand. The market brought new senses with it, smells of baked goods, musical sounds, the overwhelming excitement of delinquency. She loved it, thrived in it and sighed a heaved sigh to calm her nerves.
"You want one?" Mikasa's eyes lit up at the baked goods Bernadine was pointing at. Her mouth watered.
"Can I? Isn't it a bit much?" Mikasa mumbled, suddenly very aware of the crowd closing around her.
"Not at all. I won't tell if you won't." The older woman smiled warmly, handing a small tart to Mikasa. Mikasa could see a sadness hidden in her eyes, and in all honesty, it scared her.
Bernadine dragged Mikasa to several stalls, treating the small girl to all sorts of gifts. Mikasa carried a little weaved bag stuffed with such gifts as a blue cardigan, more baked goods that Mikasa had yet to taste - too shy to eat in public.
The bag soon became heavier and Mikasa's eyes widened in confusion; A plush bear, a wooden train, little white shoes, a blue butterfly clip for her hair, and a fruit Mikasa had never seen before that smelt sweet and looked like a strangely shaped apple.
Mikasa pulled her arm from the middle-aged woman's grasp and glanced to the ground in shame.
"Berna-"
"Please, Mika, just let me treat you. You deserve so much more than this..." she sighed.
"Come sit down on the grass with me." Mikasa obeyed.
"I'll be honest with you, Mikasa Ackerman, you saved me. I thought that maybe I would live in that fucking house forever. Then, you came along and you taught me that life is so much more than breathing air and making do with the hand you're dealt. If... if I promised I would fight for it... would you be willing to leave with me? We could run away now and go to live in Shiganshina... it's the outermost wall, he'd never look for us there. And no one would question who we ar because I look like I could be your aunt. It would work."
"We could just run? And then we would be safe?"
"Yes. We could be safe."
Bernadine smiled softly at the child before her, her eyes clouded with hopeful tears.
"I would. But he is so scary. How will we esc-" They already had. They were outside that house and they could escape. The air was fresher than ever, with smells that overwhelmed her senses.
For the first time, Mikasa felt truly reassured. They could really be free.
"Yes!" Her voice shouted, with glee Bernadine had never heard before.
"Okay. We'll do it, then. I'll book us a room in the Inn nearby. And then we can head for Shiganshina in the morning."