Archer did something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This takes place shortly before The Double Date. Archer's problem's with adjusting to life after his coma continue. But never fear…
Sterling Archer Rides Again
"I can't believe you have an office this swanky," Pam looked around Archer's new office.
"I can't believe your mother hasn't stolen it," Ray remarked. He was in the office as well.
"I don't think she's seen it yet," Archer was at his desk looking through some papers. "And honestly I am not sure I want her to."
"Don't tell me you're doing some actual work?" Ray asked.
"I am," Archer said. "I'm working on my first date since the coma."
"Wait, first date?" Pam did a double take. "But you've been back for…?"
"I've been a little off my game, okay?" Archer snapped. "I was still weak and uncoordinated from the coma! Not to mention Mother refused to hire any female nurses. Not even any old or ugly ones!"
"You see her point, right?" Ray asked.
"And you getting shot a few weeks ago couldn't have helped," Pam added.
"It didn't. Even the best quarterbacks have to be taken out of the game once in a while due to an injury," Archer explained. "And have to rehab before they're sent back in. It's part of the game!"
"There's a joke about balls in there somewhere," Pam remarked. "It'll come to me later."
"Look now that I know Lana is out of the picture," Archer told them. "And into an older creepier picture…It's time I got back on the horse. And I'm talking an entire herd of them!"
"And by horses you mean vaginas," Pam said.
"Bingo!" Archer took out his cell phone and a black book. "It's time to let New York know that Sterling Archer is back!"
"I'll call the center for disease control," Ray said dryly.
"Here we go," Archer picked a name out of the book. "Caroline. Sweet Caroline."
"So good!" Pam called out. "So good! What? Not a Neil Diamond fan?"
Archer punched in the number. "Hello! Caroline? It's Sterling! Archer. Sterling Archer. We had sex in the bathroom stall at Luigi's! What do you mean that doesn't narrow it down?"
"Oh, I have to hear this," Ray remarked.
"Me too," Pam grinned.
"Sterling Archer! The spy!" Archer snapped. "Yes, I'm a real spy! No, I wasn't making it up! It doesn't matter. Tonight is your lucky night Caroline, because you and I are going on a date. Oh. I don't suppose if you ask your husband he'd mind? Hello?"
"Strike One," Pam quipped.
"It doesn't matter," Archer waved as he crossed her name out. "She wasn't that great and was on my C list anyway. I knew I should have went right for my A list! Let's try another one."
He called another number. "Hello? Raquel? Hey! It's Sterling Archer! Yeah how are you doing? Really? How many months pregnant are you? Second kid? Never mind!"
He hung up the phone. "Strike Two!" Pam called out.
"That was technically a ball and you know it!" Archer snapped.
"Archer, remember when we mentioned some things have changed since you went into your coma?" Ray asked. "This might be one of them."
"Okay so maybe some of these women may have moved on?" Archer waved as he went to another name. "Law of Averages. But I know most of them will be thrilled that Sterling Archer is back in town."
"Well their husbands might not be," Ray cautioned.
Archer rang another number. "Hello? Sharon? Who's this? Oh, I'm Sterling Archer. An old boyfriend of Sharon's. I haven't been around because I was in a coma. Can I speak to Sharon? Really? How long has she been in a coma? Three months?"
"What are the odds?" Pam asked Ray.
"With Archer?" Ray looked at her. "One to one."
"Okay if she wakes up within the next few months can you tell her Sterling Archer called and is looking for a date?" Archer asked. "Hello? Huh. Must be a bad connection or something."
"Or something," Ray drawled.
"Guys I have over two hundred numbers in my black book," Archer told them. "Obviously it needs a little bit of updating. I'll just put a maybe next to Sharon's."
Archer went to the next number. "Hello? Diane? Hey! It's Sterling Archer? How have you been?"
Archer winced as the sounds of screams were heard. "Diane! Diane? DIANE? Hey! Whoa! There is no need for…Okay! Fine! Whatever!"
"What did you do to her?" Pam asked as Archer hung up.
"I have no idea," Archer blinked. "I was pretty drunk. Odds are it was something."
"Keep going Champ," Ray encouraged. "You'll knock it out of the park eventually."
"Don't you have anything better to do?" Archer snapped.
"No," Ray and Pam said as one.
Archer called another number. "Hello? Arista? Hey! It's Sterling Archer. I'm back in town. Say how about you and me…? What? Since when are you married? To who? Okay to whom? Oh. Him? Hey! That's…Okay fine! Have a nice life!"
Archer hung up the phone. "I don't believe it. This is the same woman who told me she'd rather be dead than married when I last saw her."
"Must have changed her mind," Ray drawled.
"Okay I'm just going to have to go through this book front to back," Archer decided to start from the beginning. "These are all lonely hot desperate women. One of them is bound to be free tonight!"
"And cue the montage…" Pam rolled her eyes.
RING!
"You're married?" Archer gasped as he spoke into the phone.
RING!
"You have how many kids?" Archer gasped.
RING!
"Engaged?" Archer was shocked. "And pregnant?"
RING!
"What do you mean your therapist says you shouldn't be dating guys like me?" Archer snapped into the phone. "What are you married to him?"
RING!
"How long have you been married?" Archer was stunned.
RING!
"How long have you been married?" Archer was again stunned.
RING!
"Well do you know when Tiffany will get out of prison?" Archer asked. "Oh. Okay. Tell her to call me in five to ten."
RING!
"When did Irene move to Europe?" Archer asked. "Oh, she met a guy online and got married. That's a thing?"
RING!
"Five kids?" Archer was stunned. "I was only away from New York for four years! How the hell do you have five kids? Oh, you had quintuplets. Good for you. I guess not so good for your vagina. That thing must be stretched out…Hello?"
RING!
"Since when are you a lesbian?" Archer asked. "You certainly liked having sex with me on that Ferris wheel! We went around three times! You can't go around three times without liking it! Once I can see it! Maybe twice? But three times? I don't think so! Hello?"
RING!
"You've been married how long?" Archer asked. "To a guy you met online? Just curious, what website?"
RING!
"You're gay too?" Archer asked. "Are you sure you're not just bi?"
RING!
"Oh sorry," Archer winced. "I didn't realize Miranda was on her honeymoon."
RING!
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Archer protested. "Hate is a strong word to use on a guy who just came out of a coma don't you think?"
RING!
"How can you be married two times in four years?" Archer asked. "And you have how many kids? What are you? Part rabbit? Or Irish?"
RING!
"So, you're gay, married and pregnant?" Archer was stunned. "How is that possible?"
RING!
"No, I hadn't heard," Archer blinked. "When did Maria join the convent?"
RING!
"What do you mean you married yourself?" Archer shouted. "How is that possible?"
RING!
"So how long do you think Nordine will be in the Galapagos studying penguins?" Archer asked.
RING!
"When you say never, ever, ever, ever again…" Archer paused. "What exactly does that mean?"
RING!
"The number is disconnected?" Archer blinked. "What does that mean?"
RING!
"Excuse me?!" Archer was stunned. "I am not a textbook misogynist who is desperately trying to cover up his latent homosexual fantasies. What are you, a psychiatrist? What? Since when?"
RING!
"Well when will Stephanie be back from astronaut school?" Archer asked. "She wants to go to Mars? Why? There aren't any shops there! And good luck trying to get a Starbucks. I know the name is misleading…Hello?"
RING!
"Hello Gina! It's Sterling Archer and…" Archer winced. "Now hang on! Hang on! Hang on! That toilet overflowing was not my fault! No, it wasn't! Not appreciating the tone Gina! Okay that is why you're on my C List! That and the fact you weren't that good in bed. Hello?"
RING!
"Okay so I slept with your roommate," Archer groaned. "That doesn't mean we can't date again. NO, IT DOESN'T! Hello?"
RING!
"She married who?" Archer was stunned. "Who marries their parole officer?"
RING!
"Hey Shondra!" Archer said. "It's Archer. Sterling Archer. Yes, we know each other! No. No, that's some other guy. We slept together a few times. Yes, we did! Yes, we did! Shondra believe me sex with me is always memorable! Maybe your memory is going? Hello?"
RING!
"Again, I'm sorry!" Archer groaned. "I didn't know you were on your honeymoon! Obviously! I just got out of a coma. I'm a little behind on the news! Cut me some slack! Hello?"
RING!
"What do you mean by casual sex is passé?" Archer barked. "Since when?"
RING!
"You're still mad about the lemur?" Archer asked. "Seriously?"
RING!
"You're still mad about the fire?" Archer asked. "Seriously?"
RING!
"What do you mean you don't date guys on your C list anymore?" Archer shouted. "What does that have to do with me? SERIOUSLY?"
RING!
"Well…" Archer paused. "When will Andrea be ready to leave the psychiatric ward? Oh. Never mind."
RING!
"Well when will Francine be back from the Peace Corps?" Archer asked, very annoyed.
RING!
"You have how many kids?" Archer was stunned. "Was there some kind of chemical in the water supply I don't know about or something? Or a nationwide blackout? It's a legitimate question!"
RING!
"No! Casual sex is very much in!" Archer snapped. "Well what do you know? You're married!"
RING!
Archer was stunned. "What do you mean by you asked an old gypsy woman to put a curse on me?"
"That explains a lot," Ray remarked.
RING!
"Today is your second wedding anniversary?" Archer asked. "Oh Congratulations. I guess a date is out of the question."
RING!
"Hey don't yell at me!" Archer snapped at the phone. "How was I supposed to know that you've been in labor for fourteen hours?"
RING!
"When will Harriet be back from studying the wildlife in Africa?" Archer asked.
RING!
"When will Shantel be back from the ashram?" Archer asked. "Are you sure there isn't a phone number there? They have to have one in case of emergencies! It's a rule! I think."
RING!
"When you say never, ever, ever, ever again…" Archer paused. "That's a no, right?"
RING!
"Hey Debbie!" Archer grinned. "It's Archer. Sterling Archer. We slept together. I know that doesn't narrow it down. Remember that bar and that one time with the watermelon…? Yes! That's me. I was wondering if…What? NO CYRIL FIGGIS ISN'T AVALIABLE! GOOD BYE!"
RING!
"You don't have to say never that many times, Michele!" Archer barked. "Once is enough. Oh ha, ha…"
RING!
"I'm serious," Archer was puzzled. "I want you to go on a date with me tonight. Why are you laughing? What do you mean by it's a little late to get a sitter for both your kids and your husband? Oh…"
RING!
"Well I'm glad you finally realized your truth Riley," Archer groaned. "But since I only date chicks and not dudes…"
RING!
"Okay on a scale of one to ten," Archer asked. "How married are you?"
RING!
"I'm sorry I got your brother arrested," Archer sighed. "But seriously, who sells counterfeit baseball cards? At a yard sale not even a block from the police station?"
RING!
"How long has she been in a coma?" Archer was stunned.
RING!
"What do you mean by not a snowball's chance in Hell?"
RING!
"What do you mean you won't date me again because I insulted your dog?"
RING!
"When did she get deported? To which country?"
RING!
"Okay how gay are we talking about?" Archer asked. "Are you anywhere on the bisexual spectrum? Hello?"
RING!
"I'm sorry I put your brother in the hospital," Archer apologized. "But to be fair I thought he was your husband. Or boyfriend. Hello?"
RING!
"Well when will she be back from Mt. Everest?" Archer asked. "Oh…She died and is permanently frozen to the mountain. Wait, that's a thing now?"
RING!
Archer was exasperated. "Okay Deena explain to me again how you can be married to an alien from another planet that you've never seen? You realize that's nuts right? Hello?"
RING!
"How can you be married to the exact same alien Deena is married to?" Archer shouted.
RING!
"Well Tabitha I'm glad you found Jesus," Archer sighed. "Can you find your way to have sex in my apartment tonight? It's a legitimate question!"
RING!
"Oh my god," Archer was shocked. "When did she die? How? Oh. No, I agree. She shouldn't have been waterskiing while drunk."
RING!
"When did you get a sex change?" Archer asked. "Why did you get a sex change? You were actually hot as a woman!"
RING!
"Amy, I swear I wasn't blowing you off!" Archer pleaded. "I really was in a coma! This time!"
RING!
"Hello, is Vanessa Von Bon Bessa the supermodel there?" Archer asked. "What? How did she die? She had a Botox allergy? That's a thing?"
RING!
"So, you're a minister now?" Archer asked. "You can still have casual sex! Hang on. Didn't Jesus say to love strangers or something like that? Oh, how would you know what it says in the Bible?"
RING!
"Okay so you're married to the same alien as two other women?" Archer was stunned. "I gotta tell you Lurlene, this alien guy sounds like a real bigamist to me!"
RING!
"Why is this number no longer in service?" Archer asked. "Stupid recording!"
RING!
"What the hell is a thruple?" Archer blinked.
RING!
"No longer in service?" Archer remarked. "Must be a coincidence."
RING!
"What do you mean you have to attend a PTA meeting tonight?" Archer asked. "What school district?"
RING!
"I swear I really was in a coma," Archer groaned. "Yes, I'm aware I used that excuse before, but this time it really happened! What do you mean you want a doctor's note?"
RING!
"Hang on. When did you file a restraining order against me?"
RING!
"Another number not in service?" Archer blinked. "Are people having problems with their phones?"
RING!
"Another number disconnected?" Archer was stunned. "COME ON!"
RING!
"She died and is also frozen on Mt. Everest?" Archer was stunned. "Oh my God. That is a thing!"
RING!
"What do you mean by you're focusing on your career as a social media influencer?" Archer was confused. "What the hell is that?"
RING!
"What do you mean you've given up meaningless sex for more meaningful relationships? Any kind of sex is meaningful! The only difference is with one-night stands, you just don't have to put up with the person for a long time!"
RING!
"So what if you took a vow of chastity?" Archer barked. "You're telling me you can't put that on hold for one night?"
RING!
"What do you mean by you're asexual?" Archer asked. "I know what it means! You certainly weren't that when we had sex in that hearse!"
RING!
"What do you mean you devoted your life to being a professional video game player?" Archer was shocked. "That's an option for a woman now?"
RING!
"Oh, come on!" Archer protested. "You can get your PHD any time you want! You're only going to have sex with me for one night!"
RING!
"What do you mean you can't date me anymore because I'm not Jewish?" Archer barked. "You certainly didn't care that I wasn't circumcised in that gas station bathroom!"
RING!
"So what if you're training for the Olympics?" Archer asked. "Think of having sex with me as a workout! Hello?"
RING!
"Another number no longer in service," Archer remarked. "I'm starting to think this might be deliberate."
RING!
"I am wounded that you think of me that way, Carla," Archer spoke into the phone. "What do you mean by if you call me again you will be literally? Oh…"
RING!
"Oh, I'm sorry," Archer apologized. "When was she lost at sea?"
RING!
"How long have you been married?" Archer was stunned. "To her? How did that happen? Well that saves me a call. Oh, and she's pregnant! Of course!"
RING!
"No longer in service," Archer remarked. "I'm starting to take this personally."
RING!
"What do you mean by Cosmo magazine told you I'm the kind of guy you need to dump?"
RING!
"Oh, come on Bethany!" Archer protested. "It was not the most degrading sex you ever had! Well for starters, I've done way worse than what we did. And secondly, you weren't the one wearing the saddle!"
RING!
"You're telling me that Women's soccer is actually a thing now?" Archer was stunned. "Since when?"
RING!
"Again, no longer in service…" Archer groaned. "COME ON!"
RING!
"For the last time I didn't mean to set your car on fire!" Archer apologized. "I was trying to set this other car on fire! See it was a work thing and...Hello?"
RING!
"What do you mean by you can do better than me?" Archer snapped. "You're on my C list! I highly doubt it!"
RING!
"How long has she been in a coma?" Archer asked. "And since when was being in a coma a thing outside of a soap opera?"
RING!
"So, Jennifer is in an iron lung?" Archer asked. "She's still single right? You can totally have sex in there! Trust me on this. I mean it's not easy and I'll have to limber up. And possibly use a harness but…Hello?"
RING!
Archer winced and hung up the phone. "That one just screamed. Then yelled, get thee behind me Satan and hung up. Weird."
"Not really," Ray sighed.
"Probably just drunk," Archer waved.
"Probably," Ray said dryly.
"Better skip her," Archer shrugged. "If she can't hold her liquor that might be a problem."
"Yeah that's the problem here," Pam looked at Ray.
RING!
"What do you mean you have to stay home and wash your hair?" Archer snapped. "Sally, I know for a fact you have alopecia and you're bald! What do you mean you got a scalp transplant? That's a thing now? And more importantly, where the hell would you get a donor? And who the hell would donate their scalp? That's kind of frightening now that I think about it."
"Now that I think about it. I'm not so sure that I want to date someone with a transplanted scalp. I mean that's way too Frankenstein for me…Hello?" Archer shrugged. "Just as well."
"You were going to marry a previously dead cyborg," Pam pointed out.
"Oh, dear God that's right," Archer blinked.
"Not to mention you once…You know?" Pam looked at Archer. "Did something unspeakable with a dead pig."
"Oh God…" Archer blanched.
"Bet that transplanted scalp is looking pretty good right now," Ray remarked.
RING!
"Hello, Hot Cha Cha Charity," Archer grinned. "How are you? What do you mean nobody calls you that anymore? Since when? Oh, congratulations on getting married. And having twins. And becoming a divorce lawyer. When did all of that happen?"
RING!
"When did Good Time Gloria become a soccer mom?"
RING!
"When did Busty Barbara become a room parent?"
RING!
"When did Hot to Trot Tina found her own Girl Scout Troop?"
RING!
"So you married some hotshot guy on Wall Street?" Archer barked. "We can still have a night out! What? You don't think he's not getting anything on the side? Hello?"
RING!
"You met a guy online and moved to Sweden?" Archer blinked. "WHY?"
RING!
"You met a guy online and moved to Dublin?" Archer was stunned. "WHY?"
RING!
"You met a guy online and moved to France?" Archer was stunned. "And you run a vineyard? Okay that I can't blame you. That does sound sweet. Have a good life."
RING!
"So, people meeting online and marrying them and moving to other countries is a thing now?" Archer asked. "Huh. I should get in on that. Not the marriage part obviously. Is there a casual hookup website? Hello?"
RING!
"Not in service," Archer grumbled. "Now I'm starting to get annoyed!"
RING!
Archer blinked. "This one is just a recording that tells movie schedules. I must have written down the wrong number."
"Right," Pam snorted. "Keep telling yourself that."
RING!
"Okay can you explain something to me?" Archer asked. "How is it that half the women I've called tonight are married with kids? What is it a fad or something?"
RING!
"What do you mean you're running for Congress and can't be seen with a guy like me anymore?" Archer barked. "You didn't have a problem telling everybody we did it in the bathroom at your high school reunion!"
RING!
"What do you mean you can do better than me?" Archer barked. "No plastic surgery is that good!"
RING!
"When did you get back together with your ex-husband?" Archer was puzzled.
RING!
"Look I'm sorry I had sex with your sister," Archer groaned. "But in my defense, she was hotter than you! Oh fine! Very mature! Well can you at least give me your sister's number? Hello?"
RING!
"Look Heather," Archer sighed. "I'm sorry I stranded you in Vegas. But I was going on a mission and I was done having sex with you so…What you mean you're happy being married to an Elvis impersonator?"
RING!
"Oh, come on!" Archer barked. "It's like every other woman is married with kids! What's wrong with you people?"
RING!
"I am not insensitive!" Archer protested. "So how long do you think your husband will be in the burn unit? What? I just want a time frame when we can have sex! Hello?"
RING!
"Look I'm sorry I had sex with your mother," Archer sighed. "But in my defense, she was really hot! Oh fine. Well what's your mother's number? Oh. When is the funeral? Hello?"
RING!
"Okay so you're bisexual now," Archer paused. "I can work with that. What? You're married? To a guy? OH, COME ON! WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?"
RING!
"Look I'm sorry I had sex with your roommate," Archer groaned. "But in my defense, she looked a lot like you in the dark. Only she had bigger breasts. Hello?"
RING!
"How many times do I have to apologize for hitting on your sister?" Archer asked. "Well she didn't look sixteen! Hang on. She's legal now right? Hello?"
RING!
"I swear I really was in a coma this time!"
RING!
"No longer in service!" Archer grumbled. "Some people are so inconsiderate!"
"Yes," Ray remarked. "How dare they change their number so you can't annoy them?"
"I know!" Archer barked. "Wait a minute…"
RING!
"What happened to Kandi? How do you get decapitated while riding a roller coaster?" Archer was stunned. "Oh. Well she never used her head before so…Hello?"
RING!
"Well how much flesh-eating bacteria does she have?" Archer asked. "Are we talking a few little spots or…? Oh. Never mind." He hung up. "Yikes!"
RING!
"How did I get on your C-List? What did you go blind?"
RING!
"This one just tells the time in France," Archer blinked. "That's weird."
"Let me tell him," Ray begged to Pam.
"Hang on," Pam said. "He'll get it eventually."
RING!
"How can you be married to a refrigerator?" Archer barked. "That can't be legal!"
RING!
"I'm sorry I slept with your sister," Archer sighed. "But if it will make you feel better, you were a lot better in bed than she was. You're welcome. So how about a date? You're married? Are you telling me I wasted a compliment for nothing? Thanks a lot!" He hung up the phone.
He looked at Ray and Pam. "Some people are just so selfish. Unbelievable."
"My words exactly," Ray groaned.
RING!
"What do you mean Marlena disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle?" Archer asked.
RING!
"What do you mean Helga moved to Alaska to pilot her own crab fishing boat?"
RING!
"What do you mean Susan went back to the circus?"
RING!
"What do you mean Robyn joined the Marines?"
RING!
"What do you mean Jolene went off to become a professional lighthouse keeper?"
RING!
"What do you mean Heidi ran off to follow Kenny Loggins on tour?" Archer asked. "Not that I blame her…"
RING!
"How did Eliana join the Flying Wallendas?" Archer blinked. "Oh. She married one. Okay yeah that would do it."
RING!
"What you mean that you've devoted your life to eradicating breast cancer?" Archer asked. "Oh. No. I admit it. That's a noble goal. I can't argue with that. Really? New drug huh? Over 85 percent of mice didn't lose their fur. That's good. Well good luck with that. I mean it. Oh, and congrats on the Nobel Prize nomination. Hope you win."
Archer hung up. "I always knew Dawn would go far."
"You've dated some very interesting women," Pam remarked.
"Said one of the more interesting ones," Ray pointed out.
"Thank you," Pam grinned.
"Technically we didn't date," Archer pointed out. "We just had casual sex. Several times."
"And what's your definition of dating?" Pam looked at Archer.
Archer blinked. "Point taken. Oh my God."
"Yeah," Pam snickered. "And no, we're not going to be doing that for a while. At least until your legs won't give out. What? I don't want to break you!"
"Good call," Archer groaned.
RING!
"Yes, Skyler I'm impressed you can count to ten," Archer groaned. "Can you put your mommy on the phone? Skyler? Skyler? SKYLER! Why are you crying? Never mind!" He hung up.
He paused for a moment. "Who names their kid Skyler?"
RING!
"What do you mean by you changed your sexuality to unicorn?" Archer was confused. "What the hell does that mean?"
"It means you're not getting any," Pam called out.
"SHUT UP!" Archer snapped.
RING!
"Okay so you're technically not married yet…" Archer paused. "What? You only just got engaged! You're allowed a mulligan! Hello?"
RING!
"What do you mean by a married society lady like you doesn't want to be seen with a guy like me?" Archer was shocked. "What's wrong with me?"
"You have a few hours?" Ray drawled.
"SHUT UP!" Archer snapped.
RING!
"I am not a gigolo!" Archer shouted into the phone. "I do it for the love of the game!"
RING!
"YES, I REALLY AM A SPY! Again. No, I'm not a delusional nutcase!"
"Well…" Ray and Pam said as one.
"SHUT UP!" Archer shouted.
RING!
"Well when did she move to Peru?" Archer asked. "And do you have her number?"
RING!
"Yes, I really was in a coma!" Archer groaned. "In hindsight I should not have used that excuse the first time."
RING!
"What do you mean you're a judge now?" Archer asked. "Why can't you be seen with someone like me? I am not a gigolo! Or a criminal! Technically."
RING!
"What do you mean you didn't get that abortion?" Archer's eyes widened. "And there's a good chance your kid is mine? Oh sorry, I'm not Sterling Archer. I'm his lawyer. Sterling Randy Smarcher. I just called to tell you Sterling Archer is dead. Died in a coma. Good bye!" He hung up.
"I'm dying right now!" Pam laughed.
"Me too!" Ray laughed.
"Shut up!" Archer snapped.
RING!
Archer was shocked. "Oh my God! Kori and her entire sorority were killed in a freak fireworks accident? That's horrible! That's like twenty numbers! A page and a half in my black book! What a waste!"
RING!
"Okay be honest," Archer sighed. "What are the chances that Rudi beats the death penalty?"
RING!
"What do you mean by you're no longer in your Him-bo phase?" Archer shouted. "Well I'm no longer in my uptight bitch phase!" He hung up the phone.
RING!
"I am not skeevy!" Archer was shocked. "And I don't think my penis needs to be dipped in a vat of Lysol!"
RING!
"Oh, come on!" Archer protested. "It's not like I meant to give you a venereal disease!"
RING!
"Listen Inga," Archer defended himself. "There's no proof that I gave you a venereal disease! No proof! You say it was called Archer's? Coincidence!"
RING!
"Okay that was uncalled for!" Archer was mad. "I didn't know you were married! Or turned into a bitch!"
RING!
"Oh, come on!" Archer snapped. "I am not the Antichrist! Well for one thing by definition wouldn't the Antichrist be a woman? You know? The opposite of the Son of God? Hello? Ugh, that's what I get for bringing up theology!"
RING!
"Well Marianne I'm glad you found Jesus," Archer sighed. "But answer me this honestly, does he really need you? I mean Jesus is a great guy but he's got women all over the place. I hate to tell you this but he's cheating on you. With at least a couple million nuns. So why can't you get something on the side? Hello?"
RING!
"I'm sorry you got crabs," Archer groaned. "In hindsight having sex in the port-a-potty was a bad idea."
RING!
"I'm sorry!" Archer snapped. "But how was I supposed to know that you were getting married at this very moment? No, I don't want to talk to your future mother in law…"
RING!
"Being a female lumberjack is a thing now?"
RING!
"You're too busy developing your plant-based substitute meat company? Since when is that a thing?"
RING!
"Hey Katya…Oh it's her answering machine. This is Sterling Archer. Long story short things didn't work out with Lana. Call me back. Maybe we can have a drink sometime? Bye."
Archer hung up. "Okay, maybe Katya will call?"
"You realize she might still be mad at you for wrecking that cyborg factory?" Pam pointed out. "Which she obviously backed."
"Oh," Archer realized. "That might make things awkward."
"You think?" Ray groaned as he rolled his eyes.
RING!
"Veronica moved to New Jersey? Pass! No way I can handle that commute!" Archer hung up.
RING!
"I wasn't blowing you off! I swear I really was in a coma!"
RING!
"No Betty, I am not infected with any venereal diseases this time!" Archer protested. "Yes, I'm sure! What? How many blood tests do I have to take? Can I get back to you?"
RING!
"Yes! I was in a coma! I was! Oh, come on! Jesus you fake being in a coma two or three times and it bites you in the ass!"
RING!
"Look I'm sorry I gave your sister crabs!" Archer sighed. "But to be fair, she did cheat on her boyfriend with me behind your back. She got what was coming! Literally. Hello?"
RING!
"What do you mean you married the emergency room doctor?" Archer barked.
RING!
"What do you mean you married the cop that arrested you?" Archer asked.
RING!
"What do you mean you married the other emergency room doctor?" Archer was stunned.
RING!
"Look Cindy I'm sorry I dined and dashed on you," Archer sighed. "But it was an emergency and…What do you mean you married the waiter? Who does that?"
RING!
"Maureen I'm sorry I hit on your sister," Archer groaned. "To be fair she hit me right back. She's got a good left hook."
RING!
"Look I'm sorry I left you in jail," Archer apologized. "But to be fair I didn't feel like seeing you again at the time. Oh, nice! And you wonder why I left you there!"
RING!
"How many times do I have to apologize for that damn lemur?"
RING!
"Why do I have to take that many blood tests before you even think about dating me again?" Archer pleaded. "Oh, come on!"
RING!
"Look Regina I'm sorry I slept with your sister," Archer sighed. "And your cousin. And your other cousin. And your aunt. And your other aunt. And your sister in law. And your brother's wife's sister in law. But in hindsight, who brings a guy she barely knows to a family reunion? Well you told me to find something to do! I did!"
RING!
"Oona I'm sorry I slept with your sister," Archer sighed. "Yes, I know it was her wedding day! I was trying to give her a gift! By the way who tells their date they're going to a wedding with barely any notice? That marriage wasn't going to last anyway! Everyone on your side of the family said so! EVERYONE! Oh nice!"
RING!
"Aurelia! Hi! Whoa! Hang on! I didn't ruin your life! You're the one who slept with me in the back of the church on your wedding day! That marriage was never going to last anyway and you know it! How did I ruin your reputation? You're the one who chose to sleep with me! Hello?"
RING!
Archer blinked. "This one is just a recording if you want to refill a birth control prescription."
"That's a good one," Pam told Ray.
"It works on a lot of levels," Ray nodded.
RING!
"Oh, come on Irene!" Archer protested. "You know what I mean. So, I broke up your first marriage and dumped you? You had to know it wasn't going to work out anyway. We met in a pool shower. That's not a basis for a stable relationship! Hello?"
RING!
"Vanessa I'm sorry I accidentally gave you as a gift to that sheik," Archer groaned. "It was a joke! I didn't think…What do you mean it all worked out? You're the Queen of Where?"
RING!
"What do you mean you evolved from guys like me?" Archer snapped. "Who are you Jean Grey? The X-Man. Well yes she's a woman but…Look I didn't name the franchise!"
RING!
"Hey! I never said I'd pay for those drugs! Oh yeah? Well how do I know I didn't get that venereal disease from you?"
RING!
"I'm sorry I gave you a mild venereal disease," Archer groaned. "But to be fair, you were sleeping around a lot so odds are…Hello?"
RING!
"Well when will she be back from Australia?"
RING!
"How long do you think she'll be in quarantine?"
RING!
"Who marries their gynecologist?"
RING!
"Who remarries their ex-husband?"
RING!
"What do you mean by you can do better than me? Since when?"
RING!
"What do you mean your astrologist doesn't think we're compatible?"
RING!
"Well how long is she going to be in jail for possession?"
RING!
"When did you join the Nation of Islam?"
RING!
"You found Jesus too? What? Is he on a recruitment drive or something? That guy is doing better than I am!"
RING!
"When did you become a rabbi? That's allowed now?"
RING!
"Who marries their therapist?"
RING!
"Who marries their father's butler?"
RING!
"When did she get eaten by a shark?"
RING!
"Well how long do you think she'll be in rehab?"
RING!
"When did she get killed by an alligator?"
RING!
"Who marries their ex-husband's father?"
RING!
"What do you mean by dating me would conflict with your career as an organist for the National Hockey League?" Archer shouted.
RING!
"Another discontinued number," Archer grumbled. "Then again these are starting to get less annoying than the ones that do answer!"
RING!
"Excuse me?" Archer was offended. "You didn't think I was beneath you at that St. Patrick's Day party! Technically I was behind you. Hello?"
RING!
"What do you mean she had a mental breakdown and now thinks she's Lauren Bacall? Oh. I can work with that. Just tell her I'm Jason Robards. Hello?"
RING!
"When did you join the Air Force? Do you know my cousin Brian? He's in the Air Force too. I really should call him one of these days. Hello?"
RING!
"I said I was sorry I slept with your sister!" Archer groaned. "Do you have her number?"
"I think a lot of people have your number," Ray quipped.
"SHUT UP!" Archer roared.
RING!
"What do you mean by your therapist thinks dating someone like me isn't good for your self-esteem?" Archer barked. "I know you're not that smart but I thought even you wouldn't be stupid enough to fall for a line like that!"
RING!
"Hey Carol…" Archer began.
"NO!" Cheryl could be heard screaming. Then hung up.
"Worth a shot," Archer sighed.
RING!
"What do you mean I'm the reason you no longer date men?" Archer was stunned.
RING!
"So you had to get a tetanus shot because of me?" Archer snapped. "With all those rusty nails in your neighborhood it would have happened sooner or later anyway! Hello?"
RING!
"YES, I AM A SPY!" Archer shouted. "Why do people always ask me that?"
RING!
"Look I'm sorry I slept with your sister!" Archer apologized. "And your aunt. And your other aunt. And your lawyer…Hello?"
RING!
"She got killed by an alligator too?"
RING!
"What do you mean you're sober now?" Archer was shocked. "No alcohol at all? AA? Putting your faith in a higher power? NO THANK YOU! FORGET IT!"
He hung up the phone. "I tell you guys, there are some real nuts out there!"
"Wow," Pam remarked. "I haven't seen that many strikeouts since the last time I saw the Mets play."
"No, they had way more hits than Archer," Ray corrected.
"Great," Archer groaned as he threw his black book in the trash. "I'm going to have to go to my backup black book." He pulled another black book out of his desk.
"Backup black book?" Ray asked.
"Hooker numbers," Pam told him.
"Oh," Ray nodded.
"They're not all hookers!" Archer snapped. "Some of these women will do it for a dinner and a pack of cigarettes." He opened the book. "I'm guessing Trinette is right out."
"Pretty much yeah," Pam nodded.
"Saves me a call," Archer took out a pen and crossed the number out.
Pam looked at the book. "You can also cross those two agencies out too. Got raided by the cops and closed down."
"Seriously?" Archer groaned. "Damn it! A lot did happen when I was in the coma!"
"How shocking," Ray drawled. "People just got up and moved on with their lives."
"How about you idiots get up and move out of my office?" Archer barked.
"Touchy, touchy…" Pam shrugged as she and Ray left.
"Was I ever this bitchy when I wasn't getting any?" Ray asked Pam.
"You are going to get…" Archer paused. "I had something for this. Never mind! I have more important things to do! And more important people to do!"
Archer did a double take. "Simone is in this book? How did that happen?"
About an hour later Archer shuffled into the break room. Pam and Ray were there having some drinks. "Hey! It's the Great White Dope!" Pam said cheerfully. "I'm guessing your vagina hunt went well?"
"It didn't," Archer groaned as he sat down. "For some reason I've been banned from every escort service in town. And almost all the independent hookers I know are either married, dead, working on Wall Street or…Ironically in comas."
"That does happen," Pam shrugged.
"You said almost all," Ray looked at him. "Who's left?"
"Simone," Archer groaned. "I'm going to have to start from scratch. It's like I'm in my teens all over again."
"Archer maybe now is a good time to take stock of your life?" Ray advised. "Figure out what you really want."
"You're right," Archer realized. "What am I doing hanging onto the past? Especially when there's a new crop of hot women that have just come out?"
"What?" Ray and Pam asked.
"Every three to five years there's a major turnover of young fresh talent flooding into the city," Archer told them. "And I'm going to find them. What? It's a fact! Look it up!"
"Where do you get your facts?" Ray asked. "The Encyclopedia Moronica?"
"As a great actor once said," Archer grinned. "They get younger, and I stay the same!"
"No," Ray looked at him. "You're still getting older. Just not wiser!"
"I just have to figure out where the new talent is," Archer paused. "You know, Krieger signed me up for this coma study. I've noticed some cute female scientists there. That's a start. But I need something more of a sure thing."
"You need something more of therapy," Ray groaned as he took a drink.
"Let's check the New York social calendar, shall we?" Archer took out his phone. "Searching for conventions and events starting today…Here we go. National Skateboarding convention and exhibition…Is that actually a thing now?"
"Yes," Pam nodded.
"I think I'll pass on that one," Archer frowned. "Flower show, no. Dog show. Hell no! Aha! Here we go! Teachers convention! This afternoon at this new hotel called the Harpsicord. Huh, not exactly the Ritz. But it will have to do!"
"You're seriously going to crash a teacher's convention in order to get laid?" Ray was stunned as Archer got up.
"Hey what those women lack in looks," Archer told them. "They make up for it in horniness and a desire to party! Plus, they can hold their booze! Don't wait up!"
"We weren't," Ray said as Archer walked out of the room.
"Got to give the man credit," Pam shrugged. "He always manages to land on his back. Or whatever other position he's in the mood for."