Well here I am trying my hand at some MerAdd writing. I've read many awesome ones. Anyway this story may be filled with spoilers and such from the show but they are from practically the very beginning of Greys, so you will have most likely already seen them. This chapter has direct content from Season 2 episodes 25-27. This won't be something that happens regularly but now at the beginning of the story I wanted to include it.
The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants
"Addison doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve any of it." Meredith shouted. "Addison doesn't deserve what?" She heard a voice behind her and her heart sank. This is a MerAdd fanfiction. The story follows Meredith and Addison as they deal with feelings they didn't think they would ever have.
Chapter 1: A Nightmare
The last couple of days had been a horrible roller coaster. Holding a bomb had been bad but this last week it had been one thing after another. From Burke getting shot to Izzie cutting Denny's LVAD wire to Doc dying to fighting with George to Derek calling her a whore. She had been forced to live a nightmare as if her life had not already been one to begin with. Then Addison had asked her if she was still sleeping with her husband. The hurt and pain that flashed through all of the redhead's features when she told her no and that she was dating Finn made everything even worse.
The last thing was this stupid prom. Because her and her friends decided to cover for Izzie with the wire stuff they had been tasked with coordinating it and assisting. She hated the idea of prom and prom dresses and prom dates. She had not even gone to her actual prom. Finn, however, had been more than happy to be her date and seeing him so excited made her feel a bit better about the whole ordeal.
Cristina and her went online to buy their dresses because neither of them had one for such an occasion. Cristina opted for a dark navy blue one with embroidered flowers while Meredith had chosen a black long dress with some beaded sequences.
"I like it Mer. It's black like our souls." Cristina joked. "Are you ok? I mean after McHot's outburst." She asked more seriously.
Addison and Derek could be heard arguing from the floor below.
'Walk away? That's all I get?' Addison practically yelled.
'Calm down. Just calm down. Please.' Derek pleaded.
'What? What? You're not gonna yell at me? Call me names? Oh I don't know. Ignore me in an elevator?' Addison continued. By that time everyone was watching them from the bottom floor as they continued to fight.
'What do you want from me, Addison?' Derek said softly.
'I want you to care. I sleep with your best friend and you walk away. He comes here from New York and rubs it in your face and still you get a good night's sleep. What do I have to do? Oh I know. Maybe what I should do is go on a date with the vet, because that seems to be something that sends you into a blind rage. Oh, but wait, that won't work either because I'm not Meredith Grey.' Addison responded her voice wavering at the end. Once she was done Derek walked away. She noticed the silence and looked down her eyes landing on Meredith's.
"I... I'm trying to be. Cristina I was trying so hard not to hurt her." Meredith said softly.
"Why?" Cristina asked and Meredith raised a brow as if saying 'why what?'
"Why are you trying to protect her? You've been so strange lately. Did something happen that you haven't told me?" Cristina asked.
"Honestly I don't know." A lie, she knew what was happening. She just did not want to admit it.
"Are you sure?" Cristina seemed to read her mind.
"It's just I don't want to hurt her because when I do I feel... I don't know I just don't feel good." Meredith said after a while her tone bitter.
"Ok. I get it. Touchy subject." Cristina said. "How's McVet?" She asked her trying to change the subject.
"He's as happy as one can be with this whole prom thing." She sighed.
"And McDreamy? Is he still being a McAss?"
"Cristina I really don't want to think about Derek right now." She replied with an even bigger sigh.
"You still love him don't you? And the way Addison was talking , he loves you. Why don't you see what happens with him?" Cristina said encouragingly.
"He's married. Besides I don't know what I feel anymore." Meredith said fidgeting with her pen.
"What do you mean?" Cristina said, quirking a brow.
"He lied. Then proceeded to persecute me. Then choose her, which I don't blame him. Then he tried being my friend basically persecuting me all over again. And finally he decided to call me a whore for trying to repair what he broke." Meredith shaking her head. "He has hurt me a lot. So I don't know if I want to be with him. Or love him."
"We don't choose who we love, Mer." Cristina said with a sad smile.
"You don't have to tell me. I know that pretty well." Meredith returned her sad smile.
She could not breathe. She needed to get out of there. Watching them dance together was unbearable. They seemed so close and she hated it. She hated herself for hating it. She had Finn. He had finally started to make plans after his wife with her in them. But all she could think about was them. The happy married couple dancing across the way.
Every time she looked up Derek was staring at her. She hated it. Why was he doing that? He was dancing with his wife. His gorgeously beautiful and talented wife. When she had made her way down the steps she saw her. God she looked amazing in that red dress. How could someone look so perfect? Then there was her and next to Addison she did not feel as pretty and amazing.
One turn and this time, she was shocked, it was Addison she locked eyes with. A gentle smile illuminating Addison's face. She returned it trying hard to keep the raising blush from creeping up her face to no avail. Another turn and it was Derek again staring at her with the McDreamy eyes. She could not breathe. She had to go. She just needed a minute away from them.
One more turn and it was Addison again. Could she be more beautiful? Those eyes that changed from bluish to greenish hues as her emotions played in them.
'What the hell is wrong with me? I need to get it together. She's looking at me and I feel like my heart is about to beat out of my chest. This can't be happening. She's married. Married to Derek. And I have Finn. I need to fix myself. Why are her eyes so damn beautiful? I could get lost in them. I could... Meredith! Stop it.' The inner conflict had gone unnoticed by all other three parties as they all continued to dance.
She remembered the first time she saw her. A tall beautiful redhead stalking over to her and Derek. Meredith had been mesmerized. Transfixed by her eyes and her red hair. She vaguely recalled Derek apologizing but she had been so focused on her that the apology confused her even more. Then the truth came out and her already bruised heart broke. This amazingly beautiful woman was married to her amazingly handsome boyfriend. And to top it off she thought she was whore. She had been right of course. Meredith had lost count of all the people she had slept with trying to erase what she felt for Derek Shepherd. Man or woman it had not mattered to her because she also needed to bury and erase what that beautiful woman was starting to make her feel.
"You really do look beautiful tonight, Meredith." Finn's voice brought her back and when she looked across the way it was still Addison who was looking at her.
She needed to get out of there though, so she made an excuse and walked away leaving Finn, Derek, and Addison behind. She tried her best to keep from running as she looked for a place where she could be alone.
She went into the first exam room she found. Oblivious to the fact that someone had followed her.
"Meredith." Why did it have to be him? Why?
"Are you alright?" Derek asked as he attempted to close the door, which ended up staying ajar.
"No, I'm not alright!" Her voice grew louder. "Ok? Are you satisfied? I'm. Not. Alright. Because you have a wife, and you called me a whore, and our dog died, and now you're looking at me. Stop looking at me!" Unshed tears in her eyes.
"I'm not looking at you. I am not looking at you." He said walking closer to her.
"You are looking at me and you watch me. And Finn has plans and I like Finn. He's perfect for me. And I'm really trying here to be happy. And I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that. So just stop!" She finished bitterly.
"Do you think I want to look at you?" He asked softly. "That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities. She- she doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands!" He yelled.
How could he not feel any of those things for her? Addison was perfect. Yes, she had made a mistake. That mistake though came about because of him. How could he ignore her? She was amazing. How could he push her away like that?
"Oh, god, I would give anything not to be looking at you." He finished and he was so close to her.
She did not register him moving so quickly and bringing her into a kiss. For a moment she just let him. He kissed her roughly and needy. She felt the scratching of his stubble against her lips and she finally got out of her trance. She pushed against him making him take a few steps back.
"I don't want this, Derek! I won't hurt her again! Addison doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve any of it. So stop and leave me the hell alone!" Meredith shouted.
"Addison doesn't deserve what?" She heard her voice behind her and her heart sank.
'No no no! She didn't see, did she? She didn't hear, did she?' Meredith panicked and turned.
"Addison..." her voice little more than a whisper. She saw the redhead's unshed tears glistening in her eyes. "I didn't... I'm so sorry."
Addison's eyes were on her for a while. Then she turned her attention to Derek who had not moved an inch since she had appeared.
"Derek... I think it's safe to say we're done. You are free. Goodbye." Addison said her voice was calm and steady. Just as she had appeared she disappeared leaving Derek and Meredith alone once more.
"Meredith..." Derek said after a long while.
"Not now please." Meredith replied, her voice sounding soft and defeated.
"Mer-" he tried again but was interrupted by Callie.
"Meredith the nurses told me where to find you. You have to come now, it's Izzie." The Latina said without acknowledging Derek. Meredith glanced back at him and left quickly.
The rest of her night had been just as awful. Denny, Izzie's fiancé, died because of a blood clot. When she had made it to the room Cristina, Alex, and George were already there watching as Izzie clinged to Denny's dead body. It took a bit of prying from Alex to get her off the bed and out of the room.
They left the room and headed to the elevators. Cristina had excused herself to go and check on Burke. Izzie led the way out of the elevator and to the exit. Bailey stood there along with Richard, Derek, Finn, and Addison. Meredith completely avoided eye contact with the last three as she walked along with her friends. Izzie turned to Richard just before leaving and confessed, saying that she could not be a surgeon. With that the four headed out.
Meredith heard Finn and Derek call for her and she turned to face them. Derek on the left and Finn on the right but it was not them she fixed her gaze on it was on her, on Addison, that her eyes settled.
"I gotta go. Izzie needs me." She said softly and turned away from the three and following her friends.
Well there's chapter 1. I know my beginnings tend to be somewhat simple and short but I promise as we move forward the chapters will be more full. Now some of you may know I have another Greys story, that one is called Breathe and it's centered around Addison and an OC, Aelwyne. Feel free to check it out while this one updates. Anyway I hope you like this. Let me know your thoughts. Next chapter should be coming soon and to my Breathe peeps next chapter should be up Sunday, it's almost done. ;)