A Life That's Not My Own
She had gazed after him until he had disappeared from sight.
Would he turn back, convince her that he would one day return? Or ask her to go with him? If Harry would truly belong to both of them, as William had said, surely she had a right to go alongside her husband.
The tears brimmed as she ascended the steps out of the train station.
Away from William.
She resolutely held them at bay, even as she stepped up into a carriage, drawing further from him. But he would soon be boarding a train to Montreal, putting more distance between them. Perhaps more than just the physical distance.
You'll come back?
Of course.
Even if it means leaving your son behind?
She probably shouldn't have asked, but the ball of worry building within her was becoming too much. She needed some form of reassurance, which he couldn't provide her.
She guessed he had not considered the possibility of his son remaining in Montreal, the possibility of having to leave him behind, until she voiced it. She could interpret his silence in two ways.
Either, he did not know what he would decide, if the choice came. Or, he knew and didn't want to tell her the truth, nor could he lie to her.
Either way, the worry steadily grew.
The house was silent as she stepped into their home. A stark contrast to hustle of the previous few days.
No Margaret.
No Ruth, Henry, baby Higgins-Newsome or their nanny.
No Harry.
No William.
How had it come to this? Living a life that felt so unlike her own?
Two days ago, she was content. Two days ago, she knew that William would be there when she woke up in the morning, and when she went to bed at night. Two days ago, she was happy.
Then, a young boy appeared in their lives. William immediately became a father. And she was left on the side lines, looking in at a family that could have been hers. But wasn't.
She wandered aimlessly for a while, her footsteps loud in the empty rooms.
How much longer would she be alone there? Would William return with Harry, perhaps with Anna Fulford in tow? Or would he remain, leaving Julia to spend the rest of her life alone?
If Anna were indeed alive, William would face a choice.
Remain in Montreal with his son, and the woman he loved, who had given him the child he'd long pined for.
Or return to Toronto, to the woman who had committed such an unspeakably immoral act that she had sentenced him to a life without a family.
Julia knew what choice she would make.
She entered their study area, where their desks sat so they could face each other, so they could be together even when they worked separately. She picked up their wedding photo. The tears came forth again, clouding her vison so the figures within the frame blurred.
She'd felt such incredible happiness that day at finally being joined to each other, despite everything that had come their way.
Yet deep inside, she'd always harboured a fear that her actions in college, her fertility struggles, would one day become too much for him.
I tried so hard.
And she really had. The words, from old wounds reopened, had forced their way out to be cried to him just a few hours earlier.
Roland.
William's initial reaction to her proposal to take in Roland – not like this – had startled her. For surely the only way for them to become parents was to adopt.
But soon William had fallen in love with the little boy.
Ultimately, that was another failing. She'd pushed for them to take Roland, and then had been instrumental in discovering the biological father.
Another heartbreak for William.
Then, came the fertility treatments. She's resorted to creating her own solution to her medical problems, risked taking the experimental drug. For given the chance that the pills presented, how could she deny William the chance to become a father?
But of course that all came crashing down.
Her body betrayed them. And at least for a little while, he had harboured anger towards her. She was not convinced that his resentment stemmed only from her correspondence with Doctor Desmond.
Perhaps a part of him had blamed her. For her earlier comment, born out of shock – some women are blessed – was not entirely accurate. Anna had been able to bear William a son after one night together, because she had not acted to irreparably damage her body. While Julia and William's many attempts had ended in failure, purely because her younger self had no other way out of her situation but to undertake a procedure that would affect her for so many years to come.
Photo frame hugged to her chest, she continued her pacing. Yet despite the lateness of the hour, she could not go near their bedroom.
She was most definitely tired; the emotional surprises of the day made sure of that. Further, she has spent the majority of the previous night awake. She'd been sure William was awake, too, yet she could not turn to him. How could she when he was grieving for another woman.
If it was just grief, she would have faced that, would have drawn him into her arms if he'd been willing, and comforted him.
But part of her had feared that grief was not all that kept her husband awake. She feared that he was also reflecting on his life choices, and ultimately feeling regret that he had not pursued another path.
Regret that he had not pursued another woman: Anna Fulford.
Blame. She reflected on the word again.
There was blame related to a much more recent event.
William had been anxious, restless during the carriage ride to the train station. Yet he had also been stiff and curt with her.
He didn't say anything, of course he didn't, but she suspected he blamed her for Harry's disappearance.
She'd met the child only the day before. He'd been entrusted into her care for just a few minutes before he'd slipped away from her. Possibly heading to Montreal, of all places.
William had known something was amiss as soon as he'd noted Harry's absence from her side. She had no such instincts.
Perhaps there was a good reason she would never become a mother.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Episode 14:11 aired in the UK on Monday. I have so many ideas about what could follow on from the episode, but first I wanted to write this short insight into Julia's thoughts.