Katherine's breath was labored, her fingers and closed eyes twitched weakly as she was captured in partly dark dreams. Stefan had made her last days as comfortable as possible, but he couldn't do anything about the dreams and memories that occupied her mind.
It is strange, the thought, that dying is such a long process. She kinda expected that it's over rather quickly. One moment she's alive, the next she's dead. Perhaps it would have been better if they hadn't taken her to the hospital after her heart attack. She really can't remember much about that moment. She remembered talking to her daughter Nadia over the phone and then she remembered pain. She remembered the severe pain behind her sternum that radiated into her left arm and she remembered the tightness in her chest before the room turned upside down and everything went black.
Perhaps letting her die at that point would have been merci, at least her dreams back then were filled with fond memories. Memories of her pregnancy with Nadia, memories of how excited she was when labor finally started. Then she remembered Stefan and the first time she had laid her eyes on him.
Those dreams (or rather memories) had been pleasant. They kept her calm and warm. They were about the people she cared most about at the moment, about the people that loved her.
Those dreams always felt like a different reality, a chance of happiness. Nadia's birth. Meeting Stefan for the first time. They gave her peace. Perhaps they were also the reason why she kept going and fighting because the foolish part of her believed that she could still have a chance of that happiness, no matter how critical her situation is.
Hope, they call it.
And hope can be strong, can keep one going on, no matter how hard it is. It's so different from the reasons why she managed to survive for so long. She did it out of spite, she did it because she wanted to choose her own destiny. She also did it because she was scared of what is going to happen if she didn't do it. She was scared of death and the aftermath - but having an immortal life thankfully did not pose this question. Until now.
To be fair, perhaps hope is not the only thing that kept her going right now, that made her hold on to dear life so desperately. Katherine Pierce is afraid of death, not knowing what comes afterward. She knew she's going to pass over to the Other Side where she's doomed to watch the world for all eternity without being noticed. Without anyone being capable of hearing her. Finding peace is the only option to be free from that torment.
But is she going to find peace?
Based on her rather dark and scary dreams she doubted it.
Malicious tongues say that it is deserved. That she deserves the torment and the pain. And perhaps she did. However, her bad deeds weren't the things that occupied her mind every hour, no matter if awake or asleep.
It was guilt.
Guilt of what had happened to her daughter, guilt of not being capable to do right when she got a second chance to be with her. She felt guilty that she wasn't capable of overcoming her fear of being a disappointment and a burden for her daughter. Katherine knew she was dying, although she didn't expect it to be so soon, and pushed her away because of it. She felt guilty for not being capable of accepting Nadia's attempts of bonding with her. She wanted to spare her the pain of losing her if she got too attached to her.
She also felt guilty for not having been able to find out about Nadia's survival earlier. She had believed her daughter to be dead after she couldn't find her in 1498 but how could it have slipped her attention that she was searching for her? Yes, there had been many people that were looking for her but shouldn't she have been able to feel it that her daughter is out there? Shouldn't a mother be able to feel that her child is still alive?
Perhaps it's unnecessary to ask those questions but Katherine wished she would have had more time. More time to get to know her daughter. More time to show her that she loved her.
And then there's also the other guilt: The deeply imprinted memories of her family. The blame she carried with her for half a millennium.
Somehow, her dying, slow mind kept spiraling back to that fatal day in 1492 when she found her murdered family. Her papa, her mama. Her younger sister. All dead because of her, killed in the cruelest way just to set an example.
It was her fault, her fault alone.
She killed them. She did it.
She murdered them. She had signed their death warrant.
A painful gasp left Katherine's slightly opened lips and her petite body cramped.
She didn't really feel the wet washcloth that softly swept over her forehead, trying to cool her down a bit. A part of Katherine knew it was Stefan that stayed by her side and continued to try making it as comfortable for her as possible.
She didn't really feel the wet washcloth that softly swept over her forehead, trying to cool her down a bit. A part of Katherine knew it was Stefan that stayed by her side and continued to try making it as comfortable for her as possible.
She wished she could open her eyes and see him. Insure herself that he's really here, with her. That she's not alone. The dreams are bad but it's even scarier to be all alone in the dark.
»No one's coming to say goodbye, Katherine. Because no one cares.« Damon's words echoed through her mind and she tensed again. No one cares. No one cares, about you, Katherine. You're alone and hated. No one wants you. You don't deserve to be loved.
You don't deserve to be loved.
You're going to die all alone.
Another gasp left her lips and she coughed before she felt that she's slowly emerging from the depths of her consciousness.
"Hey, hey. It's alright, Katherine. I'm here."
Stefan's green hues appeared in her blurry vision and she blinked a few times, hoping to get a clear vision of him.
"You're still here..." her words were slurry and she had to fight to even get them out of her mouth.
Stefan seemed to notice it and grabbed the glass of water on the nightside to over it to her. However, Katherine was already too weakened to reach for it. With a sigh and an empathic expression on his face, he carefully raised it to her lips and let a few drops run into her mouth. It helped against the scratching in her throat and she thanked him for it.
"I'm glad you're ... you're here. Please don't ... don't ... Damon."
"Damon won't set a foot into this room anymore," Stefan looked guilty and angry at the same time. "I'm sorry for what he has done to you. He's ... searching for a scapegoat. Said he needed an outlet. It was wrong and I wish I could undo it."
"It's not your fault, Stefan... " she tried to offer him a smile but it's probably only a faded glow of what it used to be. It costed too much power - power she didn't have anymore.
Stefan sat down at her bedside and took his hand into hers, his thumb slowly and carefully brushing over the back of her hand.
"I wanted to say ... I'm sorry too." his gaze studied the brunette's feature carefully. "I always denied that I ever loved you. It's a lie, Katherine, I know you never compelled it. It was real back then and I believe ... I believe that a part of it is still there."
Katherine closed her eyes at his confession, focusing on the warmth of his hands on hers.
There it was again: The hope she had been feeling. She knew it was too late, that they don't have the time anymore. But knowing that she is loved by him did mean something to her. It added value to the last couple of days because now she knew he hadn't helped her out of pity.
He truly cared about her.
It's a cruel twist of fate that it's too late now. That they never stood a chance. That she'll never find out if they could have been something.
It saddened her and yet it warmed her heart at the same time.
"...Nadia?" she managed to ask, feeling it hard to open her eyes again.
"She left"
"Good. I don't ... shouldn't see me die. 's her turn to live... I made ... selfish decisions all my life. It's ... the right thing. I love her... I want her to be ... to be safe. Tell ... Tell her that." It may not seem nice that she pushed Nadia away and perhaps it seemed selfish of her for not wanting to live. But jumping inside her daughter's body was never an option she would even consider. She wished for her daughter to live her life, free from guilt. Free from her and what it means to have her in her life. She could be free and independent. Katherine's thankful that Nadia didn't stay to watch her wither away. It's not something a child should see.
"I will, Katherine", Stefan caressed the back of her hand again and offered her an assuring smile, letting her know that he'll let her know.
It's a tragedy of life that they only had so little time left and never really got to know each other. Stefan might not agree with the way Katherine is handling the situation, but he respected her wish, especially if it eased her mind.
It's hard to see how she tormented herself in her last moments and Stefan could tell that it was indeed her last moments. The doctors in the hospital already told him that every single organ of her body is failing and she won't make it another day. And yet Katherine fought. He sensed that she fought although he has no idea what it was on what she's holding on to. However, Stefan also noticed that it gets harder for her with each moment. He could hear that her heart has dropouts, that her pulse and breathing are weak. And he could see that she's in pain by the way her body is cramping and tensing.
It's hard to see how she tormented herself in her last moments and Stefan could tell that it was indeed her last moments. The doctors in the hospital already told him that every single organ of her body is failing and she won't make it another day. And yet Katherine fought. He sensed that she fought although he has no idea what it was on what she's holding on to. However, Stefan also noticed that it gets harder for her with each moment. He could hear that her heart has dropouts, that her pulse and breathing are weak. And he could see that she's in pain by the way her body is cramping and tensing.
Katherine breathed a 'Thank you'.
"You need another syringe..." he told her, wanting to numb her suffering.
"No... Stef ... scared of the memories."
Stefan frowned, having already assumed that it's not only the physical pain that's tormenting her.
"I'm going to help you with it, Katherine. Close your eyes."
"But I want to see you..."
"You will," Stefan promised her and watched how the corners of her lips tilted upwards for a short second before her eyes closed slowly as he injected her carefully with the drugs from the hospital.
After Stefan gave Katherine's nightmare and memories a happy ending and therefore making sure she feels at peace, he slowly withdrew from her mind and looked at her now relaxed figure.
Memories flashed through his mind as he re-lived the moments with her. Her enchanting beauty, her perfect olive skin, her contagious laugh. She always knew how to have a good time. And no matter what one should think of her and her doings, but she was smart. She always found a loophole, a way out. Until now. It saddened him to know that not even someone like her lasts forever.
"I hope you find peace" he mumbled and softly pressed her hand that was still in his. He knew that she won't wake up again with these drugs in her system. Taking another look to watch her calm features, Stefan leaned forward and planted a kiss on her forehead.
"Goodbye, Katherine."