In the casino's theater, Team Heartbreak had done their patrol as Ultra Guardians and they had invited Team Wynaut to their first movie review; most of the team members had already gotten to their seats while the rest were finding theirs.
"Hello, this is Team Heartbreak; we remember it so you don't have to." Batista said.
"Well, an overwhelming amount of viewers have made it clear that there are two movies that put the 'sin' in cinematic shit-mongering that we must address. Take it away, Shawn." Diesel said.
"Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. And God can't tell you how much we don't wanna review these stinkers. If someone gave me a choice between sitting through these movies again and being crucified, I'd say, 'grab the nail gun, I hear there's a lumber sale at Home Depot!'" Shawn Michaels stated.
"Both of these movies are based on the best fighting games that ever hit the arcades: Street Fighter II for its speed and gameplay and Mortal Kombat for its blood, violence and gore." Marty Jannetty explained.
"But luckily, all that intense violence and gore had absolutely no disturbing effects on our decent childhoods." Dean Ambrose said, before drinking out of a skull and firing a gun into the air.
"What the fuck, Ambrose?! What the fuck, man?!" Glenn Frey exclaimed in shock.
"Sorry, Glenn; I have to do that every twelve minutes." Dean Ambrose said.
"Now both of these movies came out around the same time, so we got a double dose of disappointment that summer." Chyna said.
"But, to keep it simple, let's review the first movie that came out in 1994, Street Fighter. So what's the biggest problem with this piece of shit of a movie? Four syllables; Jean Claude Van Damme." Diesel said.
"Van Damme is like the poor man's Chuck Norris. The guy you get if you think Steven Segal is too classy for your movie. He knows martial arts, but he often forgets that you need a personality in order to be interesting." Bret Hart said.
"Anytime, dickhead." Guile said on the movie screen.
"However, the only bigger insult to having a bad actor in a bad movie is having a GOOD actor in a bad movie." Tiffany said.
"Enter Raul Julia as the villain, M. Bison. Raul Julia was one of the most charismatic actors who ever lived and was taken from us a million times too early due to health issues. In fact, it was rumored he did this as his last film because it's something his children really wanted him to do since they were fans of the games." Hunter Helmsley explained, taking a bite out of his hot dog.
"Well thank you, you little brats. He lived long enough just to see the destruction of his entire career! Top notch!" Steven Van Zandt snarked.
(Warning: This is clearly for satirical purposes. Raul Julia kicks ass and the author is sure his family kicks ass.)
"You've lost your balls." Guile said.
"So what's the story, you're probably wondering." Owen Hart said.
"Well ironically, it involves absolutely no street fighting whatsoever. Van Damme plays a war hero named Guile who's out to stop the evil M. Bison from, you guessed it, taking over the world." Laura Nyro explained.
"Of course!" M. Bison said on the movie screen.
"On top of his fearsome army, M. Bison also has hostages that he's holding ransom for twenty billion dollars. Guile, being the fearless leader, has this to say." Eddie Guerrero explained, before Guile flexed his arm.
"Can he do that on TV?" Marty Jannetty gasped in awe.
"Wobbuffet!" Wobbuffet said.
"After that we get a bad action sequence. Followed by another bad action sequence. Followed by ANOTHER bad action sequence. Followed by... another bad action sequence. Followed by- oh hey look they're actually talking here! Okay, this is the scene where they discuss their strategy to- oh wait, no no, this is just another bad action sequence." Fran O'Toole explained.
"Guile's accompanied by three other fighters: Chun-Li, Balrog and Honda. They represent some sort of journalistic... secret agent... fighting squad, who are also out to take on M. Bison. Now that's just violating non-partisan reporting. These three obviously have a very difficult task ahead of them. Not taking on M. Bison's fearsome army, but trying to figure out what the hell their fearless leader is saying." Brian Pillman said, munching on popcorn.
"Call it a... wake up call." Guile said.
"A way-kakaw? What's a way-kakaw?" Glenn Frey asked.
"If I am not topside in fifteen minutes-" Guile said.
"What?" Diesel asked.
"I'll distract his defenses." Guile said.
"Huh?" Meowth asked.
"If Sagat runs off to Bison-" Guile said.
"Who?" Laura Nyro asked.
"Seriously, even the actors in the movie look at him like they don't know what he's saying." Jimmy Hart said.
"Some moron just canned me." Guile said.
"I hate to admit it, but I think I might actually be missing Schwarzenegger!" Meowth exclaimed.
"Get the hostages OUT!" Guile shouted.
"Get the hostages OUT!" Meowth shouted.
"Things start looking up when it appears that Guile has been shot and murdered in the middle of a violent shootout." Batista said.
"Hey, alright, this movie's finally startin' to get good!" Dwayne Goettel grinned, but his expression turns to disappointment when Guile rises from the morgue table, "Damn it!"
"Really, Goettel? You thought he was gonna die?" Tiffany asked.
"It turns out that Guile is still alive and this death scene was just an attempt to fool the enemy, even though they spot him on a speedboat just a few moments later." Tom Keifer said.
"Which makes this scene entirely pointless." Lou Reed said.
"Wobbuffet!" Wobbuffet said.
"By the way, I love Guile's army fatigue, a blue camouflage. That'll really come in handy if they're ever fighting in the sky or underwater. The rest of the story is kinda hard to keep track of, considering how there's so many damn characters." Steven Van Zandt said.
"Most adaptations have the problem of leaving a character or two out. But not Street Fighter, no, they have the courtesy of giving us every single damn annoying character these games ever produced. Like Guile, M. Bison, Chun Li, Honda, Sagat, Balrog, Ken, Ryu, Cammy, Zangief, Dee Jay, Vega, Dhalsim, T Hawk, Blanka..." Jim Neidhart trailed off.
"It's a nightmare! Everyone in the world is here! It's like A Street Fighter Christmas!" Marty Jannetty snapped.
"Wobbuffet." Wobbuffet said in disappointment.
"Okay, I'm gonna do you a favor and show you the only funny scene in this entire movie. It's when the villains are watching a TV screen showing a truck of explosives riding out of control, only to find that the truck is actually heading right towards them." Shawn Michaels said.
"QUICK! Change the channel!" Zangief shouted.
"Okay... that's kinda funny. But trust me, it's not worth it to watch painful scenes like this one where the most stereotypically smug British man tells Guile that they're giving in to M. Bison's demands." Chyna said.
"Deliver these orders to your troops, then consider yourself relieved of your command. I think we can deal with General Bison." a British man said on the movie screen.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to burn down an orphanage and puppy farm." Jean Paul Levesque said smugly, before sipping from his teacup.
"Then Guile delivers a speech that even Joe Biden would find epically ridiculous." Tommy Bolin said.
"Our superiors say the war is cancelled. We can all go home." Guile said.
"Oh good! I don't know how much more of this movie I could take." Marty Jannetty sighed, but...
"Bison is getting paid off for his crimes. And our friends will have died here. But... we can all go home." Guile said.
"Yes yes yes, very tragic-I got things to do so I'm just gonna-" Marty Jannetty said, but...
"Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom and justice... they get packed up. But... we can all go home." Guile said.
"Well we WOULD, if you would stop yapping your trap." Marty Jannetty said in annoyance.
"Well... I'm not going home." Guile said.
"No no, don't do this to me, Van Damme! You said I could go home!" Marty Jannetty snapped.
"I'm gonna get on my boat and I'm going to KICK that son of a bitch Bison's ass." Guile declared.
"Heart of a poet." Bret Hart nodded.
"Now who wants to go home? And who wants to go with me?!" Guile asked.
"YEA!" the crowd cheered.
"No, no, NO!" Marty Jannetty shouted.
"Wobba, Wobbuffet!" Wobbuffet agreed in fear.
"One subplot out of the billions going on here involves Guile's friend Blanka, who's transformed into a mix between the Hulk and one of those cavemen you see from the Geico commercials." Chyna said.
"You're joking." Guile said.
"This is all done by a scientist named Dhalsim, who's just a dead ringer for the Dhalsim in the video game." Eddie Van Halen said.
"Can you tell the difference? I sure can't. Actually, one of the strangest parts of the movie involves his appearance. The last time we see him, he looks like a scientist and then the next time we see him, he looks like he's gone completely feral." Greg Hawkes said.
"What the hell happened?!" Benny Mardones asked in shock.
"One minute he looks like a scientist, then the next he looks like Xerxes from 300! And the movie NEVER tells us why!" Richard Wright snapped.
"Did he just 'bloom' into a yogi/Indian warrior?! Is he on his way to Quiquai costume party?! I mean, it makes no sense, ese!" Eddie Guerrero shouted in shock.
"Why?" M. Bison asked.
"So after an onslaught of bad lines and lame action sequences, we FINALLY get to the showdown between Guile and M. Bison. Granted, Bison's army is totally outnumbered and all they have to do is shoot him in order to end this stupid war, but nope! Guile wants to risk THOUSANDS of lives, so he can show off his cool hand-to-hand combat moves. A 30-year-old heavyweight takes on a 50-year-old dictator?" Roddy Piper asked.
"Gee, I wonder who's gonna win!" Tiffany said, before the screen showed Guile pwning Bison.
"What a shock!" Diesel said in shock.
"At some point, Bison regenerates himself and is able to levitate throughout the room. So he flies up into the air and hits Guile straight on! And then, after that... he flies up into the air and hits Guile straight on. But then he has the brilliant strategy... of flying into the air and hitting Guile straight on. I think finally the TWELFTH time he does this, Guile gets an idea." Meowth explained.
"Maybe he should, pfft, hit him!" Brian Pillman said, before the screen showed Guile pwning Bison again, this time sending him flying into a wall of TVs, causing an explosion.
"BISON! You're off the air." Guile said, as everyone in the theater laughed.
"I think probably the strangest scene-and trust me, that's saying a lot-comes at the very end where Guile tries to rescue Blanka and Dhalsim. Blanka says he can't face the world looking how he does, so Dhalsim decides to look after him in the comfort and safety OF A BURNING BUILDING!" Diesel exclaimed.
"I mean, what made them think that would be okay there? Hell, Guile even at one point says..." Tommy Bolin said, before pointing at the screen.
"This whole place is gonna go up." Guile said.
"Oh, it's a fixer-upper, but you can't beat that rent." Dean Ambrose chuckled.
"Gee, I wonder how the armies feel knowing that Guile's best friend and an innocent scientist were lost in that explosion." Bret Hart said, before the characters on the screen struck a pose to celebrate.
"I guess they're taking it pretty well. Horrible movie, sucks ass, next film." Shawn Michaels shook his head.
(to be continued...)