Warnings/Tags: Alternate Reality - What If?, Angst, Tragedy, A Litany of Regret, Rambling Disjointed Prose, May Trigger Depression, Story #179.5, 飯Ｐ
Disclaimer: Dragon Ball/Z/GT/Xenoverse/Super/etc. belong to their respective owners. I own nothing except this derivative fanwork which I do not profit from.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
—From Sonnet 43
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For how long is is never-ending?
-x-
For how long will you keep pretending?
…That you exist in a reality you don't believe in?
That it's not only in the reality when you close your eyes where you're truly alive…?
You keep your head above the currents of passion; wanting nothing more than to sink deeper and deeper. To drown in a fathomless obsession, dragged down by irrepressible longings, to a graveyard of amassed secrets and forgotten dreams.
How long will you keep longing?
...For a past belonging to a future unchosen.
A past that holds no place in your present; yet one that refuses to be left behind.
Always chasing after; always trying to forget. Those elusive dreams your heart has sought to capture for so long.
Longing turned hauntings, burned countless times over; with fragments of your soul repeatedly crumbling like ashes beneath your feet, trampled on and extinguished countless times over. Ghosts of what once was but never has been, lingering in spaces it no longer exists.
Amidst a world that shifts and spins, constantly in motion; seasons revolving, time ticking… But your heart remains immovable and trapped forever, unable to return but unable to leave; again and again, reliving that one moment in forever.
For how long will you endure?
…The lustful hunger and the searing emotions?
Feelings that only he could ever evoke in you… Inveterate… Tormenting…
The dizzy excitement and hopeless wanting; the sad longing and extreme joy… The more you try to forget, the fiercer it screams to be remembered… With every breath drawn deep—the more you're breathless and gasping; with every pump of your heart—the more you bleed for it.
The tightness of those embraces; the sweet secret smiles.
A love that can't be unmade.
For how long can you make-believe?
That the one you're really with is him… In the here, in the now.
That it's someone else's body you desire to be with in bed every night?
His innocent lips and soft caresses—razor-sharp talons and waxen-smooth fingers… Holding on so desperately, bodies flush and joining; becoming one over and over. Eyes burning blue, seductive like butterflies, fluttering and shutting—gripped in the throes of wondrous bliss.
For how long will you be able to hide?
…From your own heart's true desire?
No matter how well you can run from the world, you can never outrun yourself.
(Why should I have to hide?)
(Why should I have to run?)
For how long will you feign blindness?
…To raging discontent and all the gaping empty holes.
Living a life that's everything you've never wanted.
(Why do I have to close my eyes?)
(Why do I have to settle?)
For how long will you hold back?
…All the words and feelings you are dying everyday to speak? Words and feelings that your heart has never stopped expressing; words and feelings that care not for what was lost.
(Why must I keep it all inside?)
(Why must I seal myself shut?)
For how long will you insist on fooling yourself?
…That what you feel is just one big mistake?
And if by chance—
(No!)
(This isn't love. Just anomalous feelings—a temporary phase of madness that will pass.)
(Why must I deceive myself?)
(It will pass…!)
Why didn't you know it sooner? Of course, in the end, everything fades away.
(I have lost everything…)
Every thing ceases to matter, when there is nothing left to lose.
Why couldn't you have realized it when it mattered? When it wasn't yet too late?
(Now that he's left me…)
For how long can you go on like this? Killing your heart everyday just so you won't feel.
(It's too late now.)
It's gone.
Everything…
(Is this truly where it all ends?)
For how long will you deny it?
…Those things that were always there that you always took for granted… It would someday be gone too.
(I have failed you haven't I?)
(No… I have failed myself.)
In the beginning, no one ever knows it…
How the end really feels.
If anyone did, no one would want to keep pushing forward…
—Not in a world abandoned by hope.
(So this is how it feels.)
True heartbreak.
By the one and only you've ever loved.
-x-
He stayed by your side no matter what. Gave his life without question, without hesitation. He gave you nothing but love every waking moment of his life—even once—without expecting—anything—in return…
He was good and kind and selfless like no other…
-x-
And I loved him.
But we can't be together…
(…That's what they say.)
(But now all their petty wordly reasons don't mean anything to me anymore!)
-x-
You turned your back on him, pushed him away, yet… You selfishly basked in the warmth of his love for you that he gave without regret, with every ounce of his life and breath.
You turned a blind eye.
He never wavered—always stayed.
Always gladly suffered in silence.
Always.
Because he loved you.
-x-
How could I have hurt you this way?
How could I have done this to you?
But I loved you! I love you more than anything—
More than I could for anyone else, even myself!
Yet, it just had to be him…
That you betrayed the most.
-x-
Questions that will never know answers…
Answers to questions that have lost all meaning…
Memories that will never breathe life again…
A broken heart that only aches worse with passing time.
-x-
In the end, we're all alone.
Our loved ones, our enemies, nothing and no one will be left…
Except the truth…
The love harboured, that never came to light…
And the pain of my never-ending regret.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
— REST IN PEACE —
Piccolo Daimaoh Junior
Brave Hero of Planet Earth and Beloved Best Friend
(May 9th Age 753–May 1st Age 789)
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
How long is a love everlasting?
Until he's taken away from you?
Until your most beloved one perishes from this world?
No.
Longer than that.
-x-
I love you still.
...I will love you until the death of me.
Until the world ends.
Until never-ending.
And even longer.
The End.
End Notes:
"Sonnet 43" belongs to Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
(2017/11/16–2021/03/18)