WhatdoyoumeanItotallywasn'tsittingonthissinceValentinesDayorsoquietyou
It was a peaceful day in Smashville, Animal County. The denizens were happily making their way to and fro their destinations. Amidst the tranquility though, a large purple car growled across the streets.
"Dad, do I have to go with you to this lame shop?" Bowser Jr. whined as his father kept his eyes on the road. "Why can't I go to the arena by myself?"
"Because son, Papa needs his coffee before he's ready to smash some heads. I don't want you trying to skip out on your orders either."
They were referring to, of course, the fabled Super Smash Brothers tournament: A place where all of the Master Hand's chosen came to punch each other in the face, in the name of awesome crossovers. At the arena, orders were given out to the competitors to tell them what matches they were scheduled to do.
"Why do you need coffee so much? It's just brown gunk right?"
Bowser took his eyes off the road and looked up the the sky in thoughtful contemplation, ignoring the various people and objects that he nearly ran into. After much consideration, Bowser finally sighed in a light-hearted fashion.
"Someday, when you're older, you'll understand kid." Bowser replied breezily. His son was not amused with that answer and pouted.
The Bowser Mobile pulled up to the local coffee shop, Super Starbucks. Bowser and son walked into the establishment, Bowser Sr. taking a moment to curse Rosalina's corporate takeover of the coffee industry. Someday he'd get into it and show her how REAL business was done.
...But until then…
Junior sat into a chair and huffed while Bowser entered the line. After growling ominously and making his presence known, Bowser advanced to the counter at the front of the newly vacant line. Then he rang the bell.
"What's taking so long?" Bowser grumbled as he looked around the shop.
"Can I help you sir?"
"Gah!" Bowser turned back to the counter to find that his waiter was…..
...
...
...
...
...
…..RIDLEY!111!
"Wassaup!" Ridley said, wearing a modern-aesthetic outfit with apron
"Bigley?!" Bowser shouted in disgust for the sinister space pirate. "What are you doin' here?!"
"Oh come on, Bowser! Don't be like that! Is that any way to talk to…" Dramatic closeup. "the Employee of the month?!" Ridley pointed to a wall where the management placed pictures of the employee of the month. Ridley's photo was the only photo on the wall, with the date underneath ranging from the current year to the apparent opening of the cafe. Suspiciously, a bunch of discarded portraits littered the floor, annoying the animal custodian who was forced to clean it up.
"Darn modern baristas…" The janitor muttered as he swept up the broken glass. "Such savages…"
"...Right…" Bowser muttered before returning his attention to Ridley. "But what the heck are you doing here?"
"What does it look like, my dearest Bowser? I'm here to you (well, technically everyone, but you in particular) coffee. Of course, since I'm here for you, this won't just be a one-time thing: I'll be here everyday with your piping hot coffee cup. And who knows? Maybe it could blossom into something more…. HehehehehehehehahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Oh heck no. Bowser's been on a team with Ganondorf and Mewtwo for many years now, as well as having shook hands with many evildoers up to and including Dracula, Dr. Neo Cortex, M. Bison, the mayor of SimCity and numerous other ne'er-do-wells and morally ambiguous people.
If any of the many varied encounters in action-packed life such as his can have ever taught him something, it's to never accept coffee from genocidal space freaks.
Sneering in disgust, Bowser ran for the door, dragging his son's arm behind him.
"Dad?"
"COME ON BOY, WE'RE GETTING COFFEE ELSEWHERE!"
Ridley said nothing, but smiled. Ominously.
Fourside
EagleLand
Bowser stomped into Jackie's Cafe, a tired and weary man. His son entered behind him, conflicted between annoyance at the coffee run and contentment at not having to fight or otherwise do work.
Bowser practically crawled over to the bar and pulled himself up.
"Please! You gotta help me here man!" He said.
"What seems to be the problem sir?" the bartender asked from behind the counter, his back turned to Bowser as he was preoccupied with cleaning a not-quite-that-dirty glass.
"BeanBean… Hyrule… Central City…" Bowser's eyes grew unfocused from fear and lack of coffee. "All of them. He's at all of them. No matter where I go, he's always there… offering me… coffee…"
"Well, don't you worry sir. You're in good hands at this establishment." The bartender said. Bowser felt like crying tears of joy.
"Thank you." The Koopa King whispered, a true sign that he was broken.
At this point, Bowser Jr. looked up from his Switch, eager to see that they were finally getting somewhere, only to frown when he saw.
"Dad-"
"Not now Junior, this man is saving Daddy's life."
Bowser Jr. decided that a demonstration was in order. Thus, he hopped onto the counter and ripped off the barista's mustache, revealing him to be none other than RIDLEY!1111!
"Curses! My foolproof disguise has been fooled!" Ridley growled. The heartbroken Bowser stepped back, clear betrayal and shock present on his face.
"Bigley! You...you…"
Ridley chucked at the clear terror on the Koopa King's face.
"Face Bowser. There is nowhere left to go. Sooner or later, you will have to get your coffee from me. And then, you will do the same tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And so on and so forth until we have a generic, unflavorful bond spawning thousands of chapters of Slice of Life! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhAHA!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The Ox-Turtle fled the cafe, ran to his car and then drove off in a cloud of exhaust and despair. Bowser Jr. watched as his father took off.
"...Wait a minute! Rocky has a match in Fourside today!" Bowser Jr. smiled at the thought of crashing Mega Man's match.
Papetoon
Farthest corner of the Lylat System.
Papetoon was not the most populous planet, so it was always a curiosity whenever somebody new showed up. The stranger, a burly cross between an ox and a turtle in a trenchcoat, was also rather nervous about his order, requesting that it be completed and out the door as soon as possible.
"Why are you so darn curious!?" The stranger asked a little too defensively. "It's just a cup of coffee! Don't bug me!"
A real piece of work, that one. The owner of the bar didn't really know what to do when one of the servers decided to handle the situation maturely. Funnily enough, the owner didn't recognize this new hire. Aw well. At least he's getting the job done. Fixing up a fresh cup of coffee, the server brought it to the customer. The customer began acting even more oddly though. He seemingly had a psychotic break and suddenly tackled the server and began beating him up. Eventually though, the customer grew tired, caffeine deprived. The server jiggled the styrofoam cup in an oddly sinister fashion and the patron, tears in his eyes, shamefully accepted the coffee. The customer burst into tears and the server evilly patted him on the back, before pulling back his bleeding hand with an annoyed growl.
It wasn't that uncommon a sight on Papetoon, so nobody really noticed, but still, very odd.
The Next Day
Ridley was just polishing the counter, getting ready for the new day, when Bowser suddenly entered through the doors. Ridley smirked wickedly.
"Accepted it, have we? Face Bowser: it is fate. We are destined to have a barista-customer relationship! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Ridley laughed maniacally. Sadly, his maniacal was cut short as Bowser pulled out a laser rifle and shot Ridley through the head. Ridley's unnamed animal co-worker barely had any time to process what happened before Bowser leapt over the counter and began rummaging around. After a few minutes, he turned around.
"How do you make the coffee?" He asked with an urgent tone.
"S-Sir?"
"That guy's gonna come back soon, more annoying than before, how do I make the coffee?!"
No offense to any particular people who write/like Coffee shop AUs. They're just usually not my cup of tea.
*Rimshot*