Hey all, long time no see. It's been a while since I last wrote a fic for NCISLA, but I still watch the show and I'm still here, slowly getting back to writing. I have a lot of thoughts about this whole storyline with Deeks, LAPD and FLETC, most of them not good. So, I decided to write this little conversation which is something I would have liked to see on the show, because I think what happened to Deeks was bound to bring back some old demons and doubts. It was due time Deeks became an agent, but I wish throughout this arc, my favorite character would have been treated with more respect and less as a comedic relief. Deeks is so much more than that. Anyhow, hope you enjoy this story.
"Hey baby, I'm almost ready." Pants on but still in her bra, Kensi continued to towel dry her hair as she walked outside of the bathroom. Stopping shortly as she noticed Deeks still in bed. "Why aren't you ready? Are you feeling alright?"
Not able to ignore her concern any longer, Kensi reached a hand towards her husband's forehand, looking for signs of a fever that weren't going to be there. Deeks' disinterest when she had offered to shower together should have been a red flag but she had decided to play it cool and accept his explanation that he had taken a late shower when he came home from tending the bar. But now, finding the usual early riser and basically Santa's little helper still tangled in their bed sheets when they were supposed to be going out to pick their tree, Kensi realized she was missing something.
Mumbling something to himself, Deeks swatted Kensi's hand away and turned to stare at the opposite side of the room. "I'm okay," he eventually whispered, his words understandable this time around.
Nodding and sighing at the same time, Kensi tried to tamper down her emotions, walking back to the bathroom and continuing to get dressed. Maybe Deeks was really tired and just needed five more minutes.
Dressed and ready, Kensi picked his pants that accentuated his body in all the right places and the blue sweatshirt she loved as it made the color in his eyes bright even shinier, and dropped the clothes on the bed, partially over Deeks so he would get the hint, then left the room to make some coffee. Hoping the scent of fresh brew would do the trick and push Deeks out of bed.
Thirty minutes, two cups of coffee, and three pastries later, Kensi gave up hoping time would be enough, and decided to take matters into her own hands. "Hey Deeks, I brought you a coffee," Kensi said as she came into the room.
Mumbling again, Deeks pointed to the nightstand with disinterest, promptly dropping his arm back into the bed.
At a loss of what else to try, Kensi sat on the bed and began playing with Deeks' blonde locks. "Baby, what's going on? Talk to me. Did something happen at the bar? Are you feeling unwell?"
"I'm okay, Kens," Deeks said, doing his best to sound more convincing this time, but still continuing to stare at the wall, practically raising an invisible wall in between them, and now raising a million red flags in Kensi's mind.
"Then what's going on? Last week you kept going on and on about picking the best and biggest tree in the lot. You even wanted to get it before Thanksgiving and I had to convince you to wait a little bit longer. Now, you don't even want to get out of bed. So, what's happening here? What am I missing?" Kensi's tone had gone lower with each new word, her last question barely above a whisper. "Please, baby, let me in. Let me help." She added after some minutes had passed and Deeks hadn't spoken a single word.
"I just don't think we should be spending money on a tree right now," Deeks admitted softly.
"What? Why n...?" Kensi cut her question short as realization dawned on her. Deeks was a jokester but he felt things strongly and his emotions ran deeper than most. "Is this about LAPD? Deeks, we already spoke about that, we know it's temporary."
"And what if it isn't?" Deeks asked with a pained exhale, "we shouldn't be making emotional purchases when we're living on one salary alone. We also want to buy a house and start a family. All that takes money... money we don't have. Especially once my situation becomes permanent, and we both know it probably will. I mean, the only person that could have defended me left to become Commander of SWAT." As if an invisible barrier had lifted with the admission, Deeks finally got out of bed and sat next to Kensi. A hand searching for hers, while the other nervously played with the hem of the sweatshirt Kensi had brought him.
Having finally gotten to the root of the matter, Kensi allowed herself a brief smile to herself, before it turned sad and dejected, as she realized she couldn't offer Deeks the certainty and finality he needed. So she tried what she thought was the next best thing. "I'm sorry about Bates, Deeks. I know he gave you crap constantly but I also know he was good to you when it mattered. Even then, what you mean and what you have done for the LAPD is still true, regardless of your relationship with him, and they're fools if they don't realize what they would be losing if they let you go," Kensi began angrily, then softened her tone. "As for us, the house can wait until your situation is straightened out. We still have my Federal Agent salary. It's not as lucrative working for the government, but it's more than enough to get the tree. It really doesn't cost that much and if anything, it shouldn't be more than the overtime I worked for the last two cases alone."
"Living off my salary's wife is not really how I imagined life would be in my forties," Deeks said, but the harsh nature of his words softened by the way his voice began to break at the end.
"Where is this coming from, Deeks? Since when do you compare yourself to women in that way?" Kensi had other, more hostile words in mind, but her intention was to help Deeks, not start an argument. But his words had brought back old memories of dealing with sexist cops and misogynist men when starting her career in law enforcement, and she would be lying if she said it didn't sting.
Pulling back his hand from Kensi's, Deeks ran it through his face, then over his eyes in frustration. "I'm sorry, Kens. I didn't mean it that way. It's just…" A lump pressed it way up his throat and his eyes glazed over with tears, but he wiped them angrily. "My father also lost his job once. And that's when everything changed," Deeks said in a single exhale. And with his last word, his shoulders sagged, as his eyes began to cloud again and his breath hitched.
And there it was. The real reason behind Deeks' attitude. The honesty and sadness in his words, making Kensi's anger evaporate in a second, because she knew how much it must have hurt Deeks to make that admission.
"Oh, baby, you're nothing like your father." Bidding herself some time to find better words, Kensi pulled Deeks into her arms. Her heart breaking as he tensed at the same time a soft sniff escaped him.
"I might not be. But the situation is." Deeks closed his eyes as he continued, feeling the tears that were already pressing against his lids. "He was never the best father, but he was good and he always tried his best. We were happy. Then one year he lost his job, and at first, he tried again. But eventually he grew frustrated and began taking it on my mom. Then on me. By that time, he had already spent all his nights drinking his savings away at the local bar and there was no going back." When Deeks was done, he opened his eyes again and rubbed them with a heavy sigh.
"Deeks, baby, wait. Your situations are nothing alike. Many people lose their jobs but it's not the end of the line. Just a temporary setback." Not all people lose their jobs and become your father, she wanted to add, but decided against it. Drawing back, she took Deeks by the shoulders and stared at his blue eyes deeply, hoping that in her steady gaze he would find proof to believe her words were nothing but the truth.
"Maybe I'm not drinking it per se, but I saw alcohol destroy my father, and for some time, my mother too. And what did I do? Pour our savings into the very same thing that was my family's downfall." With that admission, Deeks' eyes again filled with tears, but he squeezed them shut, refusing to let any of them fall. As a child he had cried for his father, but as an adult he had promised himself to never shed another tear for the man.
"The Squid and the Dagger is not that. I admit, at first I didn't see it. But now I do. Your bar, our bar... is not a place for drunkards and violent men. It's a place for family, and joy and fun. When have we seen the team out of work so often? When have we spent so much family time with them? Never. Your idea, your dream, did that. It gave us the place we all needed to feel welcomed and at home. It gave Nell and Callen a place to mourn when they lost their mother and father. It gave Sam a place to start a new relationship away from the places he used to frequent with Michelle. It's giving Eric a place to see us and stay close to the team now that he's a billionaire and his calling in life has grown from just doing good with NCIS. It's giving us a new purpose, and a place to have the family we lacked before."
"But, we already have NCIS for that. We have OSP and the boatshed," Deeks tried to argue. Then he sniffed again, eyes burning.
"NCIS is where we work, Deeks. But it's not a home. It took me a long time to realize that. You're my home, and Callen, Sam, Hetty, Eric, Nell, even Fatima, and Roundtree. You taught me that Deeks, you just need to remember." Squeezing Deeks' shoulders, Kensi hoped he could feel the conviction behind her words, because when she had been at her lowest, Deeks had taught her the meaning of home, and she won't let him forget now. "One time you told me that you were already home, but that didn't mean NCIS as a location, it meant the team. It meant us, even if "us" didn't exist at the time in the way it does now. The feeling of home doesn't come from NCIS, but we do live it every day we're at the bar. The Squid and the Dagger means family."
Deeks nodded, but his eyes, the window to his soul, still looked troubled. Clouded not only by the tears he still kept from falling, but its familiar blue, darkened by the memories of his painful past.
Still seeing that uncertainty in Deeks' eyes, Kensi decided to throw a hail mary. "The Squid and the Dagger is not even the type of bar your dad would have frequented. I have the feeling he might have even hated it." Kensi continued to pile her arguments, still hoping the conviction and certainty in her words would help Deeks as much as the meaning behind them. "Plus, it's been a couple years already and we have never even had a fight or incident at the bar."
Deeks chuckled but before he could say anything Kensi beat him to it. "And Callen and Arkady playing pool doesn't count. The game just got a little heated." Deeks' raised eyebrows had been a total giveaway about where his mind had gone and nobody knew him better than Kensi.
"Too bad Callen and Arkady alone can't keep the bar afloat. Maybe if Hetty and Anna joined them. But who knows where they are now." Deeks shrugged sadly, tears still pricking at the corner of his eyes.
"We're coming off a bad year, baby. Stay at home orders sure did a number on the bar, but that's behind us now. Things will only get better from here." Deeks' attempt at a joke was a good sign but Kensi wasn't ready for teasing just yet. She knew Deeks always resorted to humor when talks got too personal, even when things still bothered him, and she was determined to avoid that today.
"And, you're definitely right. Brandel would have really hated The Squid and the Dagger. He wasn't really into the ocean aesthetics and our decorations surely wouldn't have been to his taste." Deeks went right over Kensi's last statement, drawing comfort from the realization her words brought him and choosing to focus on that lighthearted part of her arguments.
"Deeks," Kensi started, in a confident but soft tone, "come on, baby. You know I'm right about more than just that. You will never be like him, regardless of what happens with LAPD. You can always find a new purpose, be it with NCIS as an agent, again in the law, or something else entirely. What matters is not the job you do, but what's inside... the strength of your character, and you never have to worry about that." Kensi tried again, hoping to get Deeks to open up a little more before his perfectly constructed mask was back in its place.
Deeks nodded with a tearful smile, a single tear sliding down his face. This time, it was not for his father, but in gratitude for the woman sitting beside him. So this one time, he let it roll. Hoping it would also take with it the memories of Brandel that had just resurfaced. "Thanks, Kens. And that's only one reason why I love you. Your trust in me means more than I could say."
"And don't ever forget it," Kensi said proudly, pulling Deeks towards her and giving him another hug. Because sometimes that's all a man needed. "And for whatever it's worth, our bar will never be a symbol of your father or the awful things he did to you and Roberta. Things are tough this year, but the Squid will resurface." Kensi wished she could promise that it would, but this year had shown them that life was even more unpredictable than they thought and sometimes shit just happened. And you couldn't do anything about it, only hope that life would eventually get better and the good shoe would drop to balance it all out.
"Too bad we didn't name it The Phoenix and the Dagger, or we could have said the bar would be reborn from its metaphorical ashes." Deeks corrected with a chuckle, the familiar spark in his eyes returning as the morning light reflected off his unshed tears.
"Yeah, too bad," Kensi quipped sarcastically. "I knew I shouldn't have let you watch that Harry Potter marathon. That sounds like a name straight out of a Rowling's book."
"Oh, Harry Potter. Maybe we should add trivia night to the bar. I'm sure Brandel would have hated that too," Deeks proposed with fake enthusiasm, but a very real new purpose to turn his bar into everything Brandel wasn't. "Maybe Callen and Arkady would like it too… that way we can avoid any more pool incidents," he added with a slight grimace.
"I'm sure Callen and Arkady would manage to turn even trivia into a bar brawl. Maybe we just need to find Anna so she can keep her boys in line," Kensi shot back, deciding progress enough had been made and now she could lighten up and banter with Deeks. At least she now knew what was up in Deeks' mind so she could keep an eye on him and any more signs of his old demons making a return.
"Anna would probably join them and cause even greater havoc," Deeks said matter-of-factly. He then pulled Kensi towards him and kissed her passionately.
"What was that for?" Kensi asked, when they parted for breath.
"To say thank you, for everything," Deeks breathed out, pulling Kensi all the way towards him and deepening the kiss.
"Whoa there cowboy. Slow your roll. Time to get dressed and go for that Christmas tree," Kensi cut in, when his movements had become more intense and exploratory.
"We already waited a week, I'm sure we can wait one more day," Deeks said with a shrug, his hands already beginning to lift the hem of Kensi's shirt.
Looking directly at Deeks, Kensi could still see the glistening of tears in his eyes. But instead, she decided to focus on the hunger and love reflected in there too. Every word she had said was something she now believed to her core, and even if it had taken her a long time to realize it, she now knew that NCIS, or the LAPD for that matter, were not, and had never been, their home. They had only been a pathway to each other. And they were together now, so where they worked didn't really matter. Whatever happened, they would be okay.
So, letting her resolve crumble, Kensi took Deeks' hand and let herself be pulled towards their bed, lips crashing, and only parting for a moment so Kensi could move her hands to either side of Deeks' face to softly wipe any remaining tears from his eyes. With that done, Kensi gave in happily, letting her shirt be lifted as she began her own exploration of Deeks' body.
2020 had been a year to forget, but they hoped 2021 would be one to remember, starting with this very moment, and whenever that was done, with the two of them going together to buy the prettiest tree in the lot.
Lately I've been trying my hand at fanfic about other shows, but NCISLA is the one that started it all, so it always feel like a return home. After all, Deeks will always be my fave, even if sometimes I feel the show is determined to constantly make a fool of his character. And also of their own decisions really, because why win us all with the bar, only to get rid of it soon after?
Thanks for reading!