"Inspectors?"
"At Hogwarts?"
"I've never heard such a thing!" Minerva's face turned an even more alarming shade of red. Even Scottish genetics couldn't hold you past six fire whiskies.
"It is most unusual. The Beauxbatons have received the same notice." Albus said, twirling his beard. He was the only one in the room who wasn't plastered, sat straight and regal in his throne while the others slouched ever lower in their seats. Severus found himself continuously slipping down into the comfort of his transfigured armchair and periodically dragging himself back up. Every time he did so, Albus's eyes twinkled in his direction.
He hated staff meetings.
"Well! They won't find anything wrong of course! Let them sneak about all they like!" Minerva said rather loudly. She suddenly seemed self-consciousness over her inebriation and tried to pull her hair back into its customary bun, but managed to use magic by accident and the spell jetted her hair bolt upright into spikey crown above her head. There were some muffled giggles.
"My dear woman I'm sure it won't be as serious as all that. Besides, I think that… Well… They might be here for a few particular individuals."
"What do you mean Albus?"
"Hm, how do I put this? There have been a few complaints recently about specific members of our staff. Nothing out of the ordinary really, parents will always worry about their children naturally-"
"Filch-"
"Snape-"
Severus and Filch spoke at the same time. Filch's ugly head whipped around to glare at him which, to Severus's delight, sent him flying to the floor.
"Snape you greasy- Minerva where are your shoes? Those kids don't know what's good for them is all. Hard discipline is the fastest way to teach them." He struggled back into his seat and took a bracing gulp of firewhisky. Minerva disappeared under the table for a disturbingly long amount of time and Snape resisted the desire to cross his legs.
"Last week you told that Colin boy your cat would harvest his kidneys in his sleep because he 'looked at you funny'." Snape said.
"Her name's Mrs Norris you slimey git-"
"Enough, enough." Albus said. Filch sneered and Severus rolled his eyes. Or tried to- they could be moving in opposite directions for all he knew. He put the firewhisky down.
"I'm afraid you're both right. There have been a few… suggestions that the two of you use unusual disciplinary methods. Hagrid, there's also been a few concerns raised over some of your creatures."
"Me?" Severus snapped. Albus gave him a look. Hagrid bristled.
"My creatures? But Professor, my creatures are harmless! The children judge by appearances far too quick they do." Hagrid shook his head and horrifyingly, looked close to tears. Albus hesitated.
"Well my dear boy, there was the incident with the Miss Rhett…"
"It only ate her pinky! And it grew back overnight. She approached him too quickly- rookie mistake."
"Of course, of course, but her parents were rather miffed when she came home with her head swollen to twice it's proper size-"
"It stung her in self defense!"
"And then there were the foot worms…" Everyone shuddered collectively. Even Hagrid went pale and had no response.
"No matter, no matter. All three of you are capable and cherished staff members. However, for these next few weeks, I would recommend keeping a low profile. I'm sure you understand that the last thing the school needs is another scandal. Having dear Harry here has caused enough of those already, he seems to be a magnet for adventure."
Adventure was not the word Severus would use. From the day the boy had arrived he'd been a nightmare of self-righteous rebellion, all of which left Severus desperately crawling through dirt to keep the boy alive. Potter would be better off in a padded playpen until his duty to the wizarding world called and he couldn't fathom why Albus had ever allowed him to play Quidditch let alone go fight in the Triwizard tournament, or befriend a werewolf, or open the Chamber of Secrets- the list was endless really. He supposed Albus felt little responsibility for the child that he'd sworn to protect. A vow he sorely resented every day of his miserable life.
At the mention of Potter however, the entire room reeked of fondness, and everyone nodded and laughed warmly. Even pissed Minerva swayed with a proud, loopy grin on her face. In the corner, Filch gagged and got up to leave. Severus agreed wholeheartedly.
Dumbledore caught his eye and smiled softly.
He had a bad feeling about this.
.
He had a bad feeling about this.
"Mate what's up with you today? You're all-" Ron waved his arms around.
"What're you on about? I'm fine." Harry said, reaching for his third croissant. Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"That's what- your fourth pastry now? You only eat like this when you're stressed and last night you actually volunteered to go to the library. What's up Harry?" Harry put the delicious, buttery food down and gave Hermione a look.
"A. This is my third pastry and B. We practically live in the bloody place so what's so weird about that?"
"Well, yeah we do. It's the only way to escape your adoring fans." Ron said.
Harry grimaced and dared to sneak a look at the first years down the end of the table. Sure enough, they noticed and giggled back at him pink cheeked. Harry was reminded of Gilderoy Lockhart and suddenly saw himself flourishing his wand in pantaloons and a cape. He shuddered and quickly looked away.
"Weren't so adoring last year." Harry muttered, taking an aggressive bite out his food. Hermione's mouth twitched.
"Have you never heard of cutlery?" Harry stared at her.
"It's literally bread."
"What's going on Harry? Malfoy's not being a prat is he?" Ron said.
"Actually he's being rather lovely. Think he might propose." Harry said, deadpan. Hermione put her hand over Harry's. He sighed.
A lot of things were wrong. Harry couldn't close his eyes at night without his pulse, clean and sharp pounding restlessly in his ears. Quidditch was becoming somewhat of a chore when every cloud morphed into a dementor and Snape was teaching DADA, which he felt sure would be the nail in his coffin as the man would undoubtably endeavor to teach him nothing at all and force him before Voldemort in his underpants.
And Sirius was gone.
The sense of loss was so intense he felt it through to his feet and getting out of bed in the morning had become so difficult Harry was often late to morning classes.
His leg wouldn't stop bouncing under the table, so he pulled his hand from Hermione's and pushed it into submission.
"It's just the prank Seamus is pulling on Snape today. I just- I don't know- I have a bad feeling about it." Ron snorted and relaxed, going for another pastry himself.
"Why? Greasy bastard has it coming. I mean Christ, last week he almost asphyxiated Neville for disarming Crabbe. Which- you may remember- was literally the point of the lesson. Would've succeeded if McGonagall hadn't come in for that book. It's a harmless thing anyway. Perhaps it'll make him laugh. God imagine that." Ron shuddered.
"I agree Harry." Hermione said, glaring at Ron. Ron stared at them both.
"It's Snape." He said exasperated.
"Exactly." She said. Harry sensed an argument beginning- everything seemed to set them off lately.
"Yeah, I know it's just a dumb prank. I think I'm just tired." He said quickly.
Ron and Hermione looked at each other briefly- just long enough for him to notice. Worried. He resisted the urge to slam his head against the table. He wondered if they were reporting to Dumbledore and twisted in his chair to look the scheming old codger across the room. He was laughing and passing the butter to Trelawney but sure enough he caught Harry's eye with a wink. Harry smiled weakly.
His gaze moved to the chair where Snape would sit if he ever came to breakfast. An assortment of pastries floated over the empty space.
"It'll be alright Harry." Ron said, patting him on the back as they got up. Hermione nodded.
"At least it's first period. It'll be over soon." She said.
It was not alright.
As soon as Snape stepped in the door, Harry knew it was game over. Over the years, Harry had become well acquainted with Snape's limited yet effective emotional range which ran, usually linearly, from hostility, to anger, to fury, but today it was clear he was skipping straight over the first two in favour of the last.
The professor hurled himself into the classroom, slamming the door behind him hard enough to make a skull topple off a shelf, and practically stomped over to his desk. He dropped the books his was holding onto the surface with a resounding bang that echoed like a dog bark through the room and flicked his head up to glare at the class.
"Shit." Ron whispered beside him. Harry put his head in his hands.
"After marking your appalling essays, I have concluded not a single one of you is capable of even the simplest of spells and that if The Dark Lord took it upon himself to knock at the door right now, you'd all cast Wingardium Leviosa and attempt to build a fortress out of chocolate frogs."
The word 'chocolate' sounded disturbingly foreign coming from Snape, and he spat it so aggressively Harry felt it in his teeth. The man muttered angrily as he started arranging bits and pieces about his desk.
Throughout the room, an awful sense of dread was building, beginning with terrified Neville and crawling through everyone until it reached Seamus, who had gone a very strange blueish hue and was sitting bolt upright like he was reporting for duty. Harry eyed the door wondering if he could pretend to be ill. Snape stopped fussing and continued.
"As such, this lesson will be set reading, seeing as none of you even deserve to own wands let alone be practicing with them. The content you're to cover will be written here."
Then, he turned to the board.
Everyone in Gryffindor knew what Seamus had planned. It had begun as a dare one evening after too much muggle vodka and at the time he'd accepted joyously. The next morning however, sober as a judge he laughed it off, praying everyone would forget the entire ordeal. That was until the beautiful Cho Chang asked him when he planned to 'make it happen' and he knew his fate was sealed.
Word had it that Seamus had bought the stuff from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, and that Fred and George had been so thrilled to help prank the old bastard that they'd given it to him completely free of charge. It wasn't pure white like normal chalk, instead it had a slight pinkish hue, and after seeing it for the first time Harry had felt certain Snape would notice the colour difference immediately. Now however, he realised that Snape was in such a funk he probably wouldn't notice if it transfigured into Hagrid and started singing 'Amazing Grace', and as the man grabbed the chalk like it had violently offended him, the room stopped breathing.
He began to write.
For a few moments, there was nothing and the relief was tangible. But then, sure enough, the marks on the board started to peel away. Snape continued writing furiously, stopping every so often to look down at the textbook in his hands, and everyone stayed completely silent and still.
One of the white digits was off now and sure enough, two little pincers and legs emerged from its body and it started dancing around the room. It was oddly cute. Another two followed suit. The letters O and F bounced behind Snape and then, the unthinkable happened.
They jumped, somersaulted and pinched Snape's bum.
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF-" Snape started.
But it was too late. Now the words 'Offensive Spells Chapter six seven' were all on the ground, complete with arms and legs and, to Harry's amazement, one of them seemed to be growing ears. As the words ten and eleven appeared on the floor Harry thought suddenly of how perfect it was that Snape always insisted on writing out numbers long hand instead of numerically and for the first time in months, he laughed. Ron met his eyes, relaxed and grinned.
Then the room collapsed into hysterics.
"They're bloody brilliant!"
"Oh my god it's in Snape's hair-"
"Neville there's one on your crotch!"
"Just swat it!"
"Ah my skirt!"
"This one's got fucking teeth-"
Harry and Ron giggled hysterically and batted away the letter A who marched up to them and tried to latch onto Ron's tie. The letter C seemed more advanced than the others and had taken it upon itself to climb the chalk board and help free it's remaining friends who were struggling to break free. Snape however, caught it in the act amidst trying to bat the letters around his feet with a book and grabbed the creature to fling it across the room. Unfortunately, the letter didn't seem bound by the law of gravity, and the thing came flying back at him like an elastic boomerang, smacking him square on the nose.
Snape's face was so red Harry expected it to explode. The man continued to alternate between furiously smacking the offending letters away with a book and viciously pulling them out of his hair whenever they managed to creep up. He kept trying for his wand inside his robes, but whenever he did the creatures seemed to sense their time was nearly up and continued their assault in greater numbers.
Across the room, Neville had befriended one the letters and seemed content to let it sit on his shoulder while three others bounced about his feet. Hermione had four of the things clambering on her to reach her hair and even she was smiling as she gently tugged them off and encouraged them towards the Slytherin end of the room. Malfoy remained seated in his chair trying hard not to look amused, and Harry noticed him periodically placing the letters back on the floor with uncharacteristic gentleness.
Eventually, Snape must have found his wand, because some unfamiliar words rang through the air and the letters sagged and flopped to the ground like paper. The laughter however continued.
"SILENCE!" Snape screamed. The laughter died down.
"Silence." He repeated, quietly. Everyone looked lost for a moment, and then rushed back to their seats. Harry balled his hands into fists and tried hard not to laugh. He felt oddly hysterical. Ron noticed and 'shh'd' him with wide eyes.
A thick silence descended on the room and Snape let it hang. Snape was terrifying with words, but Harry often thought he was even better at this. Snape toyed with silence like a cat with a mouse.
"Never." He said eventually, hissing like some demented puffadder.
"Never. In my career have I encountered such disrespectful, stupid, pathetic children such as yourselves." He began to walk through the rows of seats. Harry was glad he was sat in the middle row; it would take Snape a little while at least to reach him.
"Whoever is responsible will come forward now. If they fail to do so, every single one of you will find yourselves scrubbing every inch of this classroom for the foreseeable future. Every single night." He spat. He continued to walk, finally reaching Potter's table where he paused.
Of course. Snape came straight for him.
"Mr Potter." Harry stared at his hands, trying to take deep breaths.
Oh god. Harry was going to laugh. He had no idea why. He could feel it like a balloon swelling in his chest.
"You have a penance for childish behavior. Care to enlighten us?"
Why did he have to use the word penance?
Anger and hilarity hit him all at once. He felt himself shake a little from the force of it and dug his nails into his palms. He felt very strange- almost drunk. The classroom felt very far away, like he was hovering on the ceiling watching the events take place rather than participating in them. Why him? He could have stayed in his dorm room and Snape would probably still hold him responsible. He couldn't laugh now. He couldn't
Harry lifted his eyes and met Snape's. The man's hair was parted to the side and alive with static.
And he couldn't help it. He laughed.
He tried to disguise it as a cough, but Snape immediately recognised it for what it was and slammed his hands down on the desk to lean over him. To his horror, Harry found that once he'd started, he found it impossible to stop.
"Detention Potter! How dare you disrupt this class with your eternal attention seeking. You may be the chosen one but that apparently does not bless you with any modicum of skill or maturity. Get out of this class."
Harry kept shivering with silent laughter, unsmiling and feeling red hot. When he spoke his voice was slightly wobbly.
"My attention seeking sir? You throw your cloak around all the time like some- Shakespearan villain! Trying to frighten us, embarrass us- How can you keep calling me- And it wasn't me!"
He blinked still shaking, disbelieving at what he'd just done. He felt more than saw Ron staring at him horrified, but he started he couldn't seem to stop. Snape schooled his face into something expressionless and Harry wondered if he was actually as shocked by the outburst as he was. He carried on.
"I didn't do it! For God's sake- why would I! I just want to get through the year without- I didn't bloody do it-"
"One hundred points from Gryffindor and fifty more for cursing! You, Potter are in a world of trouble. Get out."
"No!" Harry shouted and stood up. His stool made a deafening groan against the floor.
"You'll do as I say Potter. Out now. Before I fail you for the entire year."
"No it wasn't me for Christ's sake why do you- I was just sitting there why do you pick me every time I just can't understand-" He sounded childish and he knew it. Snape recognized the weakness and his eyes danced. Harry felt close to tears, why wouldn't his words come out normal and sensible, instead everything he said was desperate and choppy.
"I picked you Potter, because you laughed, guilty as sin and because unlike the rest of the wizarding world I am not under any illusions. You are not gifted; you are not special and you are not continuing in this class. Get out."
"You can't just…"
But as quickly as the fight in him had started, it died and he stared at Snape's horrible sneer feeling absolutely exhausted. He didn't dare to look at the rest of the class who were all silent, some even pretending to read, and felt himself blush so hard his eyes watered. He grabbed his bag, left his books on the table and half ran out the door.
He was fucked.
.
He was fucked.
"What do you mean they were there they can't have been I would've seen- I would've noticed!" Albus sighed and rubbed his temples in an unusual display of weakness that left Severus feeling slightly light-headed.
"Severus, they were there. A concealment charm I believe. I am shocked you didn't notice, but then I understand you have been under a lot of stress as of late. However, they informed me that they heard the entire affair from start to end and they've made the decision to have members of their staff live in the castle and supervise you alternately for a full academic year. Then they will assess whether it is appropriate to allow you to remain."
"Well it's hardly my passion keeping me here." Severus snapped. Albus looked at him.
"I am… concerned that you would not fair well should they examine your teaching methods." Snape snorted.
"That in itself should be cause to fire me."
"Indeed." A tired smile graced Albus's features and Severus realised he'd never seen the man looking so old. He stopped pacing around his office and sat back down with a sigh.
"What will you have me do?" He said.
"I'm afraid having them here is, of course, out of the question. Even if you were able to reign in your razor-sharp wit as it were, having people outside of the trusted staff living inside Hogwarts is too much of a risk with Voldemort's return upon us. He would find a way to utilise them, make no mistake. I sense we are nearing the end. We cannot risk losing Harry…"
Albus unwrapped a lemon drop and offered Snape one who stared furiously at him until Albus chuckled and put it back. Albus was pulling the I need you to torture, maim and murder innocent people so the Dark Lord trusts you face, and Severus was trying to predict what horrible request he was about to bestow upon him. He imagined being observed for an entire year and his mind helpfully supplied him with the image of himself prancing about the classroom handing out gold stars and marking essays with inked smiley faces. He paled, thankful that possibility at least was out of the question.
Albus ate his sweet and watched Severus closely. Severus calmed himself by envisioning Fawkes swooping down and taking a shit in the old man's hair.
"What?" He snapped.
"Well, Severus, truthfully I didn't tell them the exact… shall we say truth about your teaching methods. Or perhaps I did… But I told them rather more." Severus sat forward, bracing for the impact.
"When they came to me they were, well, rather distraught, over what's they'd seen. In the moment I suppose I… panicked?"
Snape imagined sharks more capable of panic than the man in front of him. Albus's eyes twinkled. Severus fixed his face into the most horrible glare he could manage.
"I was flustered. I told them it wasn't your teaching that was poor, but rather your relationship with Harry." He paused, letting Severus dangle. He felt rather like a fish, short of breath and waiting for doom.
"What then?" He spat.
"Well… I explained that you knew his father and made up some stories that fit with my narrative to-"
"You did what!?" Snape was on his feet again.
"Now Severus-"
"How dare you! You had no right-"
Albus raised an eyebrow. Severus cut himself short and sat back down violently. There was no point in shouting. Albus was not moved by bouts of rage, he was calculating and practically militarian in his self-control. Severus nodded sharply at him to continue.
"As I was saying, I made up a few stories here and there, embellished parts- and informed them that the reason you are so cruel to Harry, is not because you are unable to work with children, but rather that you are unable to see past James Potter."
"Albus-" Snape said warningly.
"Well… Eventually, after a fair bit of persuading of course, I was able to negotiate their decision. However, I'm afraid I couldn't get you out- scot free- as the muggles say. They gave two alternative options to forgo the supervision. The first is you attend a form of training course part time for six months which, given your current occupations will most likely prove impossible."
Snape's skin crawled at the idea. Juggling teaching and kissing the Dark Lord's slimy boots was nigh impossible in itself, he had very little free time to spare.
"And the second?" He snapped. Dumbledore met his eyes, completely serious.
"You must attend counselling with Harry." Snape blinked.
There was no God. But if there was, when Snape got up there to greet him (or down which seemed increasingly more likely) he would stuff the sorting hat so far up his arse it came out of his eyes.
Therapy. With Harry Potter. His life was a parody.
"Absolutely not." He said.
"Severus-"
"Do you have any idea Albus of just how demanding my current position is? Not only am I stuck teaching hundreds of snivelling children, trying to keep them alive while they throw dynamite into cauldrons, I'm also torturing, maiming and frolicking about with the Dark Lord on the side." Severus took breath.
"I will not be told that my teaching is unsatisfactory all the while I'm risking my life- everybody's lives- every moment of every day. There is not a second in my thrilling schedule that would allow for such a ridiculous endeavour."
Albus watched him silently waiting for him to finish. Severus started to pick at his nails- a nervous habit he squashed as a teenager- before catching himself and bringing his hands down to grip his knees. Albus sighed.
"I am well aware of your position Severus, and I would never dream of asking this of you if there was any other choice. You have sacrificed more than anyone in this war- I know this- and it is indeed wrong of me to continue to ask for more. But I must. Severus, we cannot afford for you to be shadowed for a year, it would compromise your work as a spy, and Voldemort will use the opportunity to get inside the castle. This is the only choice."
"Then I quit." He spat. Albus smiled weakly.
"My dear boy, it is rather too late is it not?"
Severus sighed silently and stared at Fawkes sleeping besides Albus's head. He thought of James Potter and his cronies, shrieking and hurling hexes from every corner.
"How long?" Severus said.
"Oh, a year at worst."
A year.
"And at best?"
"They've called for six months minimum."
"Once a week?"
"Twice, I'm afraid." Severus took a deep breath.
He had been through worse, he told himself. He was an excellent actor when called for and this would be no different. Just another job. Another means to an end, as his entire life had been. Why would this be any different?
"Let slip the dogs of war." He said.
Albus smiled.
.