Hope Is Our Four Letter Word, a victorious fanfic

Summary

Andre Harris always wanted to be a good person. It was something he prided himself on. He was everyone's best friend, a shoulder to cry on for almost anyone. He'd promised his Grandma he'd always try his very best to be a good person, and of course; good people keep their promises.

The issue he always seemed to run into was; what if being a good person wasn't going to make him happy? Because there was one thing that he knew would make him happy, ecstatic even. But if he went after it, he would be the opposite of a good person. Why?

Because he was pretty sure the one thing that could make him ecstatically happy, wasn't a thing but a person.

Or the reasoning why Andre always sides with Tori over Jade. Tie In One-Shot for I Was Getting Used To Being Someone You Loved and Kiss With A Fist Is Better Than None and possibly other future works. You don't need to have read them for this to make sense.

Authors Note

Here it is! As I said in chapter 5 of I Was Getting Used To Being Someone You Loved on AO3, this is technically the Andre chapter. However, it took a life of its own and was inspired by a different song than the one in I Was Getting Used To Being Someone You Loved, so I thought it would be better off as it's own little oneshot, rather than shoe horned into a multi-chapter fic.

The title, and lyrics, that are used in this are from 'Counting Stars' by One Republic. It just gave me unrequited-Jandre feels. The bold italicised part at the start of the story is the hook that helped inspire this whole one-shot, hence why it stands out more than the rest of the lyrics. And any parts in italics other than song lyrics are flash backs to Freshman year, when Andre first met the gang-sans-Tori.

Also! What's this? No Tori bashing? Madness.

I see this life, like a swinging vine

Swing my heart across the line

And in my face is flashing signs

Seek it out and ye shall find

Old, but I'm not that old

Young, but I'm not that bold

And I don't think the world is sold

On just doing what we're told

I feel something so right

Doing the wrong thing

And I feel something so wrong

Doing the right thing

I couldn't lie, couldn't lie, couldn't lie

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

- "Counting Stars" - One Republic

Because he was pretty sure the one thing that could make him ecstatically happy, wasn't a thing but a person.

Jade West.

Yeah. As in, that Jade West. As in, 'Wicked Witch of West Hollywood'. As in Beck Olivers long term girlfriend.

Beck Oliver, his best friend. His best friend since the first day he joined Hollywood Arts, both of them being innocent little freshmen. The same day he was introduced to Jade West, who already had the distinction of being Beck Olivers girlfriend.

It wasn't love at first sight, or anything so cliche as that. To be honest, when they first met Jade had scared the wazz outta him. With her dark outfit, coloured streaks and piercings, along with her kohl black lined eyes set in an icy glare, she was terrifying to almost everyone at Hollywood Arts, other than Beck and her best friend, Cat Valentine.

He wasn't sure when his thoughts about Jade changed. But after a month of being at HA, she no longer terrified him. Maybe it was seeing her defend another freshman, Robbie Shapiro, from a stereotypical senior jock bully. Andre was about to intervene himself (because that's what a good person would do) but before he got the chance, there was Jade, stepping right in front of Robbie's prone body, after the senior had shoved him down a small set of stairs in the main hall.

"Go the fuck back to whatever lame 80s high school movie you slithered out of, fucknugget." She had snarled, hands planted on her hips as her slight figure was all that was between Robbie and his almost-daily beat down. The whole hallway had gone silent at that, as Jade wasn't exactly known to speak much outside of answering questions (reluctantly) in classes and doing any of the practical parts of lessons (she had the voice of an angel, despite her appearance being the opposite). And here she was, getting all up in the face of a senior who had at least a foot on her and around 100lbs.

"Excuse you, sweetheart?"

"Jesus, you're stupider than a rock, aren't you? I'll make it less wordy and complicated for your IQ of 12; Fuck. Off. Fucknugget. It's not that hard to understand. I don't know how to make it any simpler for you but maybe there's a colourful picture book in the library. Should I go check?" She sneered, crossing her arms now, her eyes narrowed.

While watching, Andre made his way to Robbie and helped him up off the ground, brushing the poor guys shirt off. Of all the days for Beck, the only one who could control Jade's impulsive nature, to be off sick, it just had to be today.

"Jade, it's fine." Robbie muttered, straightening his glasses.

However, Jade seemed like she didn't even hear him.

"You better watch it, Frosh." The jock snarled back to Jade, his meaty fists clenching.

"Or what? You'll hit me? Go for it. We'll see who's faster; you hitting me or me cutting your tiny prick off." There was a flash of silver and suddenly, in her hands was a pair of scissors, partially opened. "That's if I can find it without a microscope."

"You're fucking insane!" The Jock's eyes widened and he took a faltering step back, just as she took a step forward, bringing the scissors up to near his neck.

"Then maybe you need to learn not to bully the friend of an 'insane' person." She snarled, snipping the scissors a few times, just barely grazing the skin of the jocks neck. "Now, why don't you fuck off like I said in the first place? And you get to keep your useless prick and continue to disappoint any girl who's desperate enough to date you? How does that sound?"

Once it was over - the jock made a pathetic retreat, throwing some half-assed insult at Jade that impressed exactly no one - Robbie looked at Jade with a sheepish expression.

"Thanks Jade."

"Don't mention it." She shot him a glare. "Really. Don't. And just...I don't know. Learn to stand up for yourself, Jew-Fro." She shrugged and strolled off, slipping her scissors back into the waistband of her skirt.

"Sorry about her. She's kind of...intense." Andre told the boy with a friendly smile. "You OK?"

"She's been 'intense' since she was a toddler." Robbie shrugged with a sheepish grin. OK, so apparently, Jade knew this kid - and had known him for a long time. "We used to be neighbours." He added, before, tucking his shirt back into his pants. "And yeah, I'm fine. I'd say my ego was hurt after having a girl defend me, but it's Jade so...I don't think anyone will hold it against me."

"Yeah, no shizz. That girl is terrifying." Andre glanced over his shoulder, seeing her standing not too far from her locker with Cat, rolling her eyes with her arms folded over her chest as the tiny redhead chattered on like a little bird. But terrifying or not, something sparked his interest.

See, before that day, all he'd known about Jade was that she was rude, abrasive and didn't give a shit about anyone or anything other than Beck, scissors, and her artistic classes at school. But now he could add 'Defender of Robbie Shapiro' to the list. And, after studying her quietly for another day or two, 'Defender of Cat Valentine' too, because he was noticing that anytime someone looked at Cat funny when she was rambling, or made a snide comment masked as a joke or compliment, Jade would be there to verbally rip apart the culprit, or glare right back.

Or maybe it was when she was the only one to actually take his complaints and worries about a song he was doing for 'Composition 101' seriously. Everyone else had just assured him that it was a good song. That it was definitely A-grade worthy. But they didn't get that it wasn't all about the grade for him. He wanted the song to be perfect, not just 'good'. How could he be proud of the first song he had written fully and composed at HA if it didn't even sit right with him?

"You're thinking too hard." Jade told him as they sat at the Asphalt Cafe, everyone else having left for class but the two of them having a free period because the teacher had auditions to attend.

"What?" Andre looked up, an eyebrow raised. He'd spent most of lunch griping about the song with the others assuring him it was fine. He hadn't even known Jade was paying attention to his moaning.

"You're thinking too hard. Making it too complicated." She shrugged, sipping her coffee. "Like here..." She pointed to one of the sheets of music and pulled it towards herself, snapping up a pencil too. "You use 5 words but 3 would fit the rhythm and flow of the song better." She scribbled down a few words above the current line, sliding it back to him.

He looked down at the paper. She...was actually right.

"And here?" She tapped the second sheet of music with the eraser side of her pencil. "You up the tempo and beat, to make it seem more complicated - technically speaking, it's great. But if you stick with the tempo you've used for the rest of the song, it'll stop that weird disconnect between the interlude and the hook a few bars later."

Andre stared at the alternative girl sitting across from him, his mouth open just a little before looking down at the sheet music where she had pointed. He hummed the song with her edits and realised it worked so much better.

"How'd...how'd you do that? I've been bugging about it for a week!"

"Because you're trying too hard. I've heard you playing some of your older stuff and it's awesome. But you're trying to impress and it's knocking you off balance, making you less impressive than you really are." She looked at him over the rim of her purple tinted sunglasses. "Those tricks you were trying to force in are for people who aren't musical geniuses like you, who need extra to...y'know...give it some oomph." She waved her hand a little as she dropped the pencil. "You've got an amazing style and talent Andre." She stood up shouldering her bag and draining her coffee. "You don't need the gimmicks. Just...keep doing you, boo." She shrugged again with a playful wink and tossed her empty cup in the trash. "I'm going to go cut up some old library text books. See you in Theatre Techniques."

After those two interactions, he had started paying more attention to Jade; chatting with her without prompting, hanging out with her between classes even if the others weren't around, partnering with her in classes (they always killed it in Music Comp and Lyrical Works). She was well on her way to becoming one of his best friends.

And then they went out to dinner after creating a fake ping pong team. And she wore a dress. A skin tight, red dress with black leather panels down the front and over her shoulders - that matched Beck's red shirt and black suit pants and jacket almost perfectly.

And he couldn't tear his eyes away from her. She sat across from him, tucked under Beck's arm as she browsed the menu for food she actually liked (she was a ridiculously picky eater). Her hair was up in a high ponytail with bangs framing her face and she looked so...delicate. Like one of the porcelains dolls his Grandma used to collect before she smashed them all in one of her paranoid fits.

She met his eyes over the table as they waited for dessert and quirked one eyebrow up at him- how had he never noticed she had such expressive eyebrows? Was that even a thing? Expressive eyebrows? Well, if it wasn't it should be and the winner would no doubt be Jade West.

"You alright?" She mouthed curiously, tilting her head to the side just the smallest bit out of curiosity, but subtly enough no one else caught on, too absorbed in Sikowitz's story.

He managed to nod awkwardly and directed his attention to the lobster mashed potato in front of him (it was just as amazing as Cat had said it was), using his fork to push things around his plate, and sneaking subtle glances up at the girl across the table from him as she tapped one blood red painted nail on the table, eagerly awaiting her dessert.

He couldn't be. It couldn't happen. She was dating Beck, who had quickly become his best friend. Chizz, she was one of his best friends. And not just silly dating. They were in it for the long hall. Anyone who looked at them could tell that Jade and Beck were damn serious in a way that Freshmen couples rarely were. So he categorically couldn't be feeling like this. It was completely unacceptable. It was...well, maybe evil would be too strong a word, but it wasn't good! And it wasn't what a good person would do.

But still, he couldn't help but watch as Beck playfully fed her a spoonful of her tiramisu, watching her eyes lit up as she laughed quietly with him, dabbing cream on his nose with a grin. And it hit him right then; he wanted to be in Beck's place. He wanted to be the one with his arm around Jade at almost all times. He wanted to be the one who drove her to and from school almost every day. He wanted to get her coffee (Black, two sugars). He wanted to make her laugh quietly and be the one to make her eyes light up with just a smile.

But he wasn't. Because she was dating his best friend.

For almost two years, Andre watched Beck&Jade. He watched as they fought and argued, each time having to push down on this horribly guilty feeling of eagerness. When he watched Beck not shut down girls who flirted with him, he wanted to whisk Jade away to stop that little twist of hurt on her pretty cupids bow lips before she marked her territory. But when they weren't fighting it was even harder to watch; to see her reach up on her tiptoes to kiss him. When he played with her fingers and hair in class. The way he pulled her onto her lap at lunch or in free periods. They seemed to be all over each other all the time, either an arm around her shoulders, hoisting her legs over his, his hand on her thigh, fingers entwined.

He spent his nights listening to songs about unrequited love - he was pretty sure he knew every word and note of 'Jesse's Girl' by Rick Springfield, which he felt was particularly meaningful for him - a guy in love with his best friends' girlfriend and wanting to steal her away. And when he wasn't listening and singing along with sad-sack love songs, when he was alone in his room at night and his hand drifted down to below his waist band, it was her who he thought of, not some famous actress or singer or model. It was her name he bit his lip to keep from shouting out. Every porn clip he watched always had the same type of girl; pale skin, long dark hair, a fairly generous bust, grey eyes if possible, slightly gothic make up. And then she slowly morphed into Jade in his mind. He supposed he was just lucky Beck wasn't like most teenage boys and didn't brag about Jade or what they did when alone in the RV - because he knew the day after 'it' had happened the first time. There was a...vibe around them when they came into school, even more impossibly wrapped up in each other, which he hadn't thought was possible.

Admittedly, it hurt. But it was better for him to hurt, to keep it all inside. That way, he could still be a good person. He knew if he said anything, it'd hurt both Beck and Jade. Beck wouldn't be able to trust him alone with Jade, even if he wouldn't dream of doing anything. And Jade would feel uncomfortable, never knowing if he was doing something for her or with her because she was his friend or because he held a torch for her (although 'torch' was tame. It was more like a blazing inferno).

And then along came Tori Vega. Bright eyed, bubbly, tanned. The opposite of Jade West - her antithesis. And Jade instantly hated her - even before she kissed her boyfriend. And he knew this was the best chance he had to move on. If he could trick himself into liking Tori more than Jade, not even romantically, but platonically, then maybe it would put some distance between him and her. Maybe it would make it easier to be in the same room as her and Beck, knowing she hated someone he was so close too.

That was why he stuck with Beck (and Tori) when Jade dumped him after that Improv Kiss - for fucks sake, what was Beck even thinking pulling that crap on her? And if he tried to selfishly make Beck give Jade up...well, he felt bad about it. But he was pissed at Beck, despite barely speaking to Jade since the kiss. He had a girl like Jade West, someone who pretty much was the main feature in any of his day dreams or regular dreams, and he kissed another girl? In front of her?

But when he saw how broken up Beck was about the break up - how utterly unBeck-like he was, he quickly stopped urging him to give Jade up. Because how could he encourage something that hurt someone he cared about so obviously? But he still stuck with him and Tori, and then when he spilled his heart out in front of the entire class, and Jade took him back...he figured it was best to stick at Tori's side. Someone Jade wouldn't want to be around. Someone who Jade would gladly push in front of a bus.

And it wasn't hard to replace Jade with Tori, at least as a 'best friend'. Because Tori Vega was sweet and nice and bouncy and needed his help and attention almost non-stop. She was so different from Jade that he figured if he filled his mind with her, then she would help push Jade away. He didn't like Tori romantically, just like she didn't like him that way. It was a purer feeling between the two of them, growing stronger as time progressed. And he pulled away from Jade, which by proxy meant pulling away from Beck too, because they were Beck&Jade, one was never too far from the other.

Of course, at night he still thought of her, she was still his go-to 'fantasy girl'. And he still found himself humming 'Jesse's Girl' or any other multiple songs about unrequited love. But Tori made it easier, because it put him against Jade, at odds with her multiple times. It made it easier for him to pretend the previous two years had never happened, that they'd never really been almost-best friends. It made it easier for him to just pretend she was his best friends ganky girlfriend.

It hurt her, he knew that. She may not have loved him the way he loved her, but she cared for him. She'd let him in and showed just some of her soft gooey parts (the fact she hated ducks because when she was little, her mom and her moms boyfriend left her at a duck pond for an entire night, before coming to get her in the morning. That when she was in a mood, she loved hazelnut syrup in her coffee, but wouldn't admit it out loud. She hated ice cream because it reminded her of her childhood which he had gathered was as far from idyllic as possible) and now he'd just ditched her like a bad habit (and she was the worst of his bad habits).

He could tell it ticked Beck off too - he was defensive of Jade, and couldn't understand why Andre was suddenly avoiding and practically ignoring her, when they used to be close. Now, Jade seemed closer to Robbie that she did Andre, which was weird enough. But he couldn't exactly come out and admit it to Beck, could he? 'Oh yeah, no. I've been madly in love with your girlfriend for two years. This is me trying to force myself to get over her!'

So yeah. He sided with Tori when she had kissed Beck just to hurt Jade, even if it made Andre kind of hurt inside too. He sided with Tori until it went way to far when she'd hit Jade in the face; he'd called her a drama queen and diva. He got Tori to help with all of his songs when he was stuck, he got Tori to sing back up for him, he wrote songs for Tori to sing at showcases, he partnered with Tori in class. All of the things he used to do with Jade, had now been moved to Tori. And it really did make things a little easier; he wasn't around her all day, he didn't have to see her and Beck all over each other outside of school when he hung out with Tori. He ignored the way her lips twisted when Beck did something that accidentally hurt her feelings.

When he lay awake at night, thinking about that promise to his Grandma, he realised something though. The way he was acting, the way he was treating Jade...and even Tori, to an extent, because although he really genuinely liked her now, their friendship had started under false pretences.

It didn't make him a good person.

But what other choice did he have?

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep

Dreaming about the things that we could be