The first night Kaz and Inej slept next to each other was completely accidental. They were sitting side by side on Kaz's bed, their sides not quite touching, just talking. Being with Inej convinced Kaz he was almost normal. And when he felt normal, it was easier to fall asleep. With Inej he was safe. So as the sun sank low in the sky and cast a silhouette over Ketterdam, Kaz's eyes became heavy, and he fell asleep under the lull of Inej's soothing voice. He woke up to a dark room and a feeling of being crushed by something. It was human and it was skin and bone and his forehead was a little bit wet and Kaz was transported to the bay before he could properly stand up. He kept reaching for something, anything to hold on onto, and he found something warm.
It was a hand. It was soft but not smooth. It had rough calluses on the palms and tiny scars on every finger. The fingers were long and curled and relaxed. Kaz grasped it tightly, probably too tightly. Kaz opened his eyes to his almost pitch-black room. His breathing slowed, and his immediate surroundings made more sense. What was crushing his head into a vice was the hollow of Inej's neck, and where his forehead was wet, realized was just Inej's drool. (He would have to tease her about it tomorrow.)
Kaz slowly removed his head from Inej's entanglement was about to leave the bed to get his gloves when he noticed he was still holding Inej's hand. He moved a thumb over her wrist and felt her pulse, slow and even. Kaz let out a sigh. He was in his room, and he was safe. Inej was alive and that was all that mattered. Kaz began breathing in and out in time with Inej's pulse, his nausea drifted away as he focused on his breathing. After a time he slid back into his position next to Inej and listened to her breathing. Their sides were not touching, but Kaz still held her hand in his and before he knew it, it was morning. And Inej was sitting at his desk with two steaming bowls of hutspot with thick slabs of bacon.
"How did you sleep?" she asked tentatively.
"Better than expected."
They ate their breakfast in silence until finally Inej spoke up and said: "I'm sorry that I didn't leave after you fell asleep, but…"
"It was comfortable?"
"Yeah. It was nice," she paused for several moments. "Was it okay for you?"
"Yes, because you were there."
Inej smiled. "I'm relieved, and I promise it won't happen again."
Kaz looked at the floor. "I never said that I didn't want it to happen again."
Inej laughed, and Kaz knew that he wouldn't mind sleeping next to Inej every night for the rest of his life.
"Just don't drool on me, Wraith," Kaz said regaining his composure.
For the next series of Inej's visits to Ketterdam, they shared a bed. As much as touching others still disgusted Kaz, it was hard not to touch Inej when she came back. Because she was always gone for so long because she always smiled when he reached for her hand because it wasn't until he touched her that he knew that she was real and here with him and not a living dream. She was a living dream, though, for wanting to be with a monster like him. And quite honestly, he had a more restful sleep when she was nearby.
They would each sleep in their separate roll of blankets, on separate pillows, staring at the slanted wooden ceiling. To say goodnight they would squeeze each other's hand before tucking it back into their cocoons. They each would still have their nightmares, but the other's presence grounded them and they were able to fall back asleep faster.
Kaz noticed that in the morning he would always be facing Inej, his hand stretched out towards her. And the night after she left on an expedition he would wake up in that same position. After several months of brief cocooned nights, Kaz asked Inej if they could share their blankets. Winter was approaching, and it might be more economical to sleep that way. Inej agreed with a knowing smile on her face and promised to be back in Ketterdam before midwinter.
When midwinter came and after a rowdy celebration with their friends, Kaz and Inej tucked themselves into their shared coverlets with flushed cheeks. Kaz planted a drunken kiss on Inej's hand before turning away from her to sleep. Part of Inej wishes he would turn back to face her because she would like that it's him and not one of her former "clients". But she also knows that facing her would probably scare him too. What if he touched her on accident? Well isn't this why they were sharing the covers? In case they brushed each other with fabric or skin? It didn't really matter to Inej whether they touched or not, she just wanted to be able to turn and see his face.
"Kaz. are you asleep?"
"Hmmmm, not yet. What is it?"
"Could you turn around and face me?"
He did, slowly.
"Thank you." And as a token of gratitude Inej moved closer to the edge of the bed, away from him.
"It's okay, you're my girl." he slurred before reaching out to cup her cheek tenderly.
Kaz drifted to sleep almost immediately, but Inej stayed up for another half hour, pondering if Kaz would remember what he did, or if he would even realize the impact that his actions had on her.
When Kaz woke up the next morning, he felt his pinkie touching Inej's. Reflexively, he pulled it back, but then his eyes drifted to Inej. Her hair had shaken loose of her usual braid and draped her face like a curtain, except for a few hairs that managed to get caught in her mouth. Well, that wouldn't do for Kaz, and almost as instinctively he brushed Inej's hair out of her face. Kaz retreated to his side of the bed, unaware of laying his hand on Inej's, and half aware of how he held her wrist, feeling her pulse, watching her chest rise and fall, marveling at her.
Inej did not come back to Ketterdam for several months, Jesper joked that maybe she had found someone who didn't live in a dingy attic room. A good part of Kaz took that joke seriously, more than he would like to admit, and more than he would ever show to Jesper. It had now been two years since Inej had started sleeping in his bed, and she never complained about his room, even though the floor creaked, it was always too hot in the summer, the ceiling was always dusty, and sometimes you could hear people yelling at each other at night. He wouldn't blame Inej if she didn't want to ever see his face or sleep in his bed ever again.
One day in late spring, Kaz ordered an entire comb-through and cleaning of the Slat, in case Per Haskell had left anything valuable or incriminating behind. Yes, even in his ceilings. (They did find a pouch of forgotten kruge, so the day was not totally wasted.) He then bought a new rug to dampen the noise of the floorboards, and it seemed to do its job fine. All that was left was for Inej to come back, take one look at the place, and ask Kaz what happened to make him get a new garish rug.
Kaz counted the days and watched the dust on ceilings grow, but still, Inej did not come, and he began avoiding his room more and more until one morning coming home from a job he saw Inej feeding the crows on the windowsill like they were teenagers again.
"You're back," Kaz said calmly and walked towards her at the window.
"So are you," she replied.
"You were gone a while, I'm assuming you caught a lot of those slaver bastards."
"Yes. We returned a lot of girls to their homes, and I'm thinking of expanding my operation."
"Oh?"
Inej tossed the last of her bread crumbs to the crows and turned around to face him.
"I want to use the money we get from the slaver ships to buy some property in Weddle and Os Kervo to set up a sort of home for these girls. Some of them don't remember where they came from or their parents sold them so they don't have a place to go, and I want to help them get their lives back, Kaz."
Inej's eyes sparkled as she talked and Kaz was so enchanted that all the time that she was gone didn't matter because she was here now. Kaz pulled her into a hug.
"That sounds wonderful, Inej."
Her eyes widened in surprise for a moment, but only for a moment, before wrapping her arms around him.
"I actually have a favor to ask you."
"Hmm."
"Could you help me learn about real estate?"
"Of course, but I don't think it's something that can be done in a few days, even if I neglect the Dregs."
"I knew you would say that, and I'm planning on staying in Ketterdam for a month. I want my first mate to lead an expedition by herself. I also want to buy another ship so we can stop more slavers."
"Then it looks like we have a lot to cover."
And so they spent their days conducting business and negotiating trade deals. Some nights their duties would require them to stay out later than any respectable bar would keep its doors open. Every night they would be exhausted, too exhausted for awkward shuffling and smiles. As soon as they entered the door to Kaz's room their shoes would be off their feet and their heads would be on a pillow.
If one of them caught a chill in the middle of the night, the other would cover them with the blanket as if a man possessed. If the nightmares came, the other would wake up and reassure them that they were safe. And almost as a courtesy to the other, their nightmares never occurred on the same night.
Two weeks into their comfortable routine they were laying in bed, waiting for sleep to claim them when Inej confessed into the darkness.
"You must have noticed that I didn't return for a while."
"Yes. I figured you were busy" (And worried you had left for good.)
"That was only partially true."
Kaz tried to not let his anguish show on his face.
"I just wondered if I was pushing myself too hard. Because sometimes I forget you won't hurt me, and it's terrifying in those moments where I forget, and I just see this body besides me."
For a moment, Kaz feels a pit in his stomach, but as Inej continues to talk, he gets it. As much as he loved hugging Inej, the ever-present taste of bile in his mouth was not a very pleasant way to go about one's day.
"We can stop sleeping in the same room if you want," he suggested.
"Do you really want that?"
"Do you?" Kaz turned his head to find Inej already staring at him.
"No, not really," she paused. "Do you remember what you said to me on midwinter?"
"Did I insult you again?"
Inej chuckled. "No, it was just strange. You said I was your girl."
Kaz's breath hitched. He thought that had been a dream.
"It was like you gave me a piece of first love, the kind I forgot could happen to anyone, and I felt normal. Kaz that was scary too. Because I wanted that so much, but I didn't want it to hurt you in the process."
Kaz didn't say anything but his heart soared. He didn't know he was capable of being anyone's first love.
"Kaz, please say something."
"I think… I feel the same way."
Inej smiled. "Okay," she whispered. "Can I touch your face?"
Kaz nodded.
Inej reached over and ran her fingers over his eyebrows, his cheekbones, and his scars. Each touch was light as a feather. It felt nice.
"Was that okay?" Inej asked tentatively.
"Yes," and Kaz found he wasn't lying. He just wished to see what would happen next. "Can I touch you too?"
Inej nodded.
Kaz cupped her cheek for a few moments before taking her hand and squeezing it, running his thumb over Inej's familiar pulse.
After a moment she said, "Kaz, you have given me a knife, a ship, and now a hand to hold."
"And…?"
"Nothing, I'm just thinking about something my father told me long ago. Before I came to Ketterdam."
"More of your Suli proverbs?"
"Something like that," she giggled.
"Can I give you something else?"
Inej said nothing and gave Kaz a knowing nod. He breached the gap between them ever so slowly. His kiss was like being stabbed. It was quick, deep, and left Inej with a new hole inside her. She opened her eyes. Kaz was smiling like an idiot, and so she smiled back.
That night they slept with their fingers intertwined, dreaming about a future where they would each have a hand to hold.