Fox & Hen

by VoltageStone

Pt.1 of The Lunar Anecdotes: In which, Barbara and Lotte have a thing, and the former takes the first step—one that crosses a line immediately. Oh, and Akko's background antics never fail to make things interesting. [BarbLotte; One-Shot; Borderline Personality Disorder; Mentions of Mature Content]

April 4th, 2021

Hope you enjoy!

:)

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You're still not used to Diana switching seats with you. Nor catching glimpses of Akko holding hands with her. You're certainly not used to Hannah and Barbara being around all the time, behaving somewhat…docile. Well, docile in their own way. You suppose it's rather difficult taming a clique—especially if it's a tightly-knotted pair.

But...

Well.

You're starting to get used to Barbara sitting beside you. That's for sure. Hannah's still intimidating, and Barbara still seems the type to bite, though the latter is actually quite timid despite that. A lot more than you realized before. And anxious. And just…not at all the bully you thought she was. Or is. Never has been? Well, no. A part of you still knows she's a bully whenever the situation calls for it, though there shouldn't be a situation that calls for it. Regardless, it seems that you mistook her for one intimidating bully—to the likes of a bear, or a lioness, or even a hippo with how territorial they are—for another. A smaller, more cuddly bully. It's kind of difficult for you to know for sure what she's like, though. It's become rather unclear as semester passes on.

Hannah's still definitely a lioness, which appears to be just Amanda's type. Not that you're judging. Amanda has, after all, found some way to mellow Hannah out. Usually. Most of the time. Five of the seven days of the week—maybe four, depending on the month. …though, then again, now that you think of it, Amanda has always been the dare-devil. Or a lion-tamer, you guess.

But yeah, that leaves Barbara as this mystery of yours.

With that thought, you continue to write in your notes, listening intently to Professor Finnelan's lecture. Though…you can't help but notice Barbara's long raven hair as she flicks strands of it over her shoulder, nor how pretty her handwriting is. It flows a lot more than your own does, and—please, never have Mum know—the way she writes "Fuck this class" is about as dashing as any smirk you've read in Nightfall. Probably even more so since it's actually real and not some imaginative werewolf seductive technique. That, and you like to think that Barbara's hair is better kept than a hairy guy who runs around, most definitely sweaty, all the time.

Although, really, it's her eyes that enrapture you. Not that you're staring into them right this second, but you've seen them enough times to know and visualize in your mind's own eye: a deep, pine-green that is nothing short of passively raptorial. There's a sharpness to them, and you know how easily she can pick apart another person.

That…doesn't deter you, however. Not really. Because within that pine, there's still a soft, bright nature about her—one that's highlighted when you read and talk everything Nightfall. It even lingers when your conversations drift away from the books, which they have been doing for the past few months.

Your great-aunt once told you that you're a hen. Gentle and mellow, always nesting with a good book. It's always something that you think of when you picture those eyes; to be frank, you haven't thought much of Aunt Susan's comment until very recently, and it leads you to only wonder. It's feasible that it's a way to explain some things. Like, for one, why it is you're so drawn to Barbara. You're this wandering hen that wound up at the foot of a dense, pine forest, drawn by whatever is within. It could be a bear. Maybe another lioness. Perhaps a hippo.

Nevertheless, you're immune to the anxiety to it all. Instead, you're just…well, drawn to her.

"Hey…Lotte?"

Immediately, you snap out of your thoughts, then turn to Barbara and hum. She's always so soft when she talks to you. "So, uh," Barbara murmurs, sparing a quick glance over her shoulder as Hannah hisses from the other side. "Do you know if atheism is actually a non-profit organization?"

You blink and frown before tilting your head to the side. "U-Uh…what?"

Barbara's cheeks flush a light pink as Hannah stifles a snort. "N-No, Barbs… I-I said that atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"…what?"

You feel yourself grin as Hannah shakes her head, tears beading the corners of her eyes. "It's p-h-e-t, Barbara, not f-i-t. Prophet. Not profit."

"But what—"

"Oh, never mind," Hannah wheezes.

Before anything else, Professor Finnelan's cleared throat silences the room. You can feel her stare before you turn towards the podium. "Ladies? What's so important?" Both you and Barbara watch Hannah.

Hannah, who, is now a vibrant red in the face, and she gets to her feet and folds her arms behind her back. "O-Oh, um… I-I just made an observation, professor."

Professor Finnelan arches a brow. "And that is…?" she presses.

There's a cough in the room as Hannah lets the seconds drag on, and she swallows another few bouts of laughter. "Um…well, that uh, atheism is a non-prophet organization." A few scattered giggles. Some groans from other seats. To the bench beside yours, Akko chokes on the bag of crisps she snuck in as Diana sighs into her hand, face covered.

And the professor?

The woman just stares for a long moment. She then pinches the bridge of her hooked nose, and even from the seat where you sit, you hear Professor Finnelan mutter, "I'm pouring the fifty-percent in my next kettle…"

[= = =]

I don't really get her, and how she's able to be friendly with so many people. Like, her team alone is a lot already. There's Sucy who's really creepy, to be honest. Chill and all that, but like— Whatever. And then there's Akko who's just…Akko, I guess. Diana told me and Hannah that she's endearing, sometimes, so we could just knock it off for a few weeks. Which, actually, it's been a semester now, and neither of us have done or said anything like what we did before to Akko. Because, you know, Akko's…Akko, and she's…a lot. Flips me off every chance she gets, the bitch. But, well, I guess she is kind of smart too, in a dumb way. Like part of me thinks she's illiterate because nothing she does is from the textbooks, and she always fucks up the spells that require actual words, but like...

Okay, maybe I'm the fucking dumb one because I can read, and I can speak, yet somehow all it takes is a few dates with Diana, and a few sleepovers, a dating label, and voila: Akko has a better grade in almost all the classes than me. Not better than Diana, of course, and not really Hannah either. It's just me. Because, yeah, I am kind of dumb.

And on top of all that, I'm still the fucking geek on my team. For Nightfall. Which what kind of person reads those anyway?!

Well… Okay, well, Lotte does, and she's nice so…it's not weird for her. She actually makes reading Nightfall a cool thing. And sometimes we do it together, and yeah, it's, um, nice. Most of the time, Lotte's the one who asks me, but like— I don't know. I feel like asking her again. I've only done it a couple of times—as privately as I could. Which were all stupid anyway because I'd wind up telling Hannah about it in the end. So like I said, I'm dumb. But whatever. I still want to ask.

And I mean today. Like, right now, once she comes back from the line for supper.

But the line is really long tonight, and it's starting to drive me insane. I want a chance at least, goddammit. But to ask that and be here, at Luna Nova, it's like asking for a plate of cheese on the moon. And I know the moon isn't made of cheese. (I figured that out before I got here, thank-you.) So yeah. It's kind of impossible.

As I play with the last flake of potatoes on my plate, I idly watch the other conversations around the table. Jasminka and Constanze's conversation is silent, of course; Amanda and Akko's conversation is quite the opposite, obviously. Though, once Sucy steals another one of Akko's chips, the girl shovels a large handful into her mouth. In the instant she swallows them, the table and those around dip into silence, and we're all watching the figure standing directly behind Akko, her cold eyes sharp on the top of Akko's head.

Akko's stare remains on me, since I'm unfortunately right across from her, and she mutters, "Finnelan's right there, isn't she?" I sigh without an answer. She scowls and turns around, her eyes pointed to the floor. I'm assuming she saw Finnelan's long dress and her polished heels because by the time she glares back to me, she growls, "You lump of flour."

"Miss Kagari…?" Finnelan drawls, and Akko cranes her neck to look at the tall woman. "You mind telling me if you're the one who ate those cakes after curfew, again?"

"…the ones I bought from the town?"

"The ones you bribed off of the goblin in the kitchen."

"…o-oh. Those— No? I ate one." Finnelan blinks, and I bite into the last slice of my potato. "I can't eat all those cakes at once!"

Finnelan grumbles to herself and briefly closes her eyes to pinch her nose and cross her arms. "Yes you can. I've watched you do so on countless occasions. You're the one who came second-place to the eating contest…" With a heaved breath, she sets her stare back down to Akko. "But I'm grateful that you know how to share."

"Yay."

"Miss Kagari, where are you getting the money?"

The table dips into a new hell of silence, and Diana in particular freezes with wide eyes, avoidant of Finnelan. Akko bats her eyes, and she asks, "Would you believe that I saved up?"

"No."

"W-Why not?!"

Finnelan tsks! and snaps, "Because you're always spending it!" Akko pouts, and I smirk into my napkin. "Now. Where. Do you. Get it?"

"U-Uh…"

"Oh, Professor Finny—" Finnelan tenses and turns to Amanda with a stern brow— "I can answer that! Akko and I have been racing or whatever, and we got bets."

"…is that so?"

Amanda nods. "Yuppers." Finnelan looks between the two with a tired sigh. "…that's cool, right?"

"Assuming it's on campus grounds, it abides by the rules, so yes, it's fine," Finnelan murmurs.

Eyes widen, and Amanda stares at the professor. "W-Wait, really?! You can actually do that?"

I want to slam my head against the table. What an idiot. Though, even with the suspicion that hardens Finnelan's scowl, she doesn't seem to be bothered. I think Hannah's "observation" from earlier (and I understand it now, okay?!) really unhinged Finnelan today. "Yes…you can…" Like, really unhinged because she actually seems to not care as much. Or maybe she's just been worn down for the past few years, and this is the first day she's decided to throw her fucks out the window. Nevertheless, she grunts, "Goodnight, then," and leaves. However, it's only to stop short right beside Ursula who's carrying around this tray with a pair of tea cups—which…I don't know where she came from, actually. Materialized, I think. Anyway, Finnelan takes one, ducks her head back and drains it, then sets the cup down—bottom-up. Ursula blinks, and Finnelan mutters, "I'll be working from my room tonight," before leaving.

Ursula just chuckles, shyly, then turns to us and says, "Have a good dinner, girls…"

We all chime with some form of goodnight as she follows Finnelan down the hall. I jerk and hear a tray behind me, and I turn around. "…did Professor Finnelan find out about Diana and Akko's joint allowance?" Lotte asks.

"No 'cause I'm the boss of covering your asses," Amanda notes through a belch. As Lotte sits comfortably beside you, Amanda glances to her side. I smirk because Hannah's glare is a familiar one—a breed that she only dawned after they started dating. "Wut?" Amanda grunts, extremely familiar with that look.

"This is why—" Hannah emphasizes her hiss with a whack of her cloth napkin— "my parents hate you! You act like a cock American!"

Amanda rubs her arm and snickers. From across the cafeteria, once again (because these assholes are the reason why she has this thing in the first place), Nelson bellows through her megaphone: "LANGUAGE, MISS ENGLAND!" Hannah's eyes bulge, and she gestures wildly towards Amanda who lets out a bark of laughter. "AMANDA'S A LOST CAUSE, MISS ENGLAND!"

The laughter is snuffed out of existence, and it's instead replaced by stifled snorts from all around the table. Amanda stews, and Hannah pats her shoulder. "It's okay, babe. You're still my lost cause…"

Amanda leans back into her chair and groans to the ceiling, "You're so annoying…" Though, I know she's smiling. With her mood quickly lifted, Amanda looks around the table. "So, uh, club? This weekend? My buddy's gonna hit me up with those chicken tenders—with the good sauce and everything. And the fries. The whole deal."

"Don't you have detention with Badcock all weekend?" Sucy reminds her.

Now…okay. I'm going to be honest, and I've told this to Hannah (who didn't believe me when I did at first): Amanda's kind of dumb. Not, like, stupid or anything, but like… I don't know. Like— Doesn't it take a special type of person to routinely jinx the clocks for Badcock's lecture so that she lets out the class thirty minutes early, for a month, get caught, and then given a detention by Holbrooke for several weeks just to want to go out clubbing?

See? Dumb.

And apparently dumber than I thought. Her eyes widen, and she holds the side of her head. "…well shit." Amanda actually forgot all of that. Dumbass.

I roll my eyes and don't even bother to listen to Akko's spit of laughter, and then Hannah's groan. Then comes more of Sucy's quips, and then Diana's indifference.

With Lotte beside me, I swallow and rub my hands together. That's right. Library. Nightfall stuff. The dumbasses all around the table nearly let me forget the important stuff. In a quiet breath, as privately as I can muster, I murmur, "S-So…uh… Lotte?"

"Yes, Barbara?" she hums playfully, finishing the last of her drink.

"Library after this?"

We watch the table's building discussion, and I don't really know what to make of it. A lot about clocks and Americanisms and professors Finnelan and Badcock and the like. Something to that effect.

Lotte glances at me, then mumbles, "We…could go now…?"

"Okay, y-yeah..."

Carefully, we slip from our seats and take our trays, leaving only a few wondering eyes to follow. And I'm just happy that it worked. I did it. I asked, and now we're immediately going. None of them at the table's going to join either, what with their talking. So, we slip out into the hall once the trays are taken care of, and I can feel the light fuzz in my chest that bounces whenever I glance at her. It's a gentle thing, this feeling, and I intend to keep it that way. Because Lotte's like that. Nice and gentle and everything I can't be...

[= = =]

Even though I don't really get it, how Lotte can be so nice, I— I know that I love the way she reads. There's something in her voice that just… It's nice. Really, really nice. I can also hear it whenever she sings sometimes, even if its more for the spirits around than me. There's a passion to it, more than normal. And I love it. I want to keep it for myself and nobody else. Even the spirits. That kind of scares me, actually. Liking anybody or anything this much has always fucked me over. Everything just gets too intense, and too much, and I break underneath its weight every. Single. Time.

"'And Arthur, with his burly chest of luscious, full locks of fur, raced the winds of time after the beloved science teacher, Belle, with a howl of concern for her.'"

Maybe… Maybe for once, though, it's not so bad. I hope so. I really want this to work this time. Just the thought of another person see me break and leave me again is terrifying enough as it is. But Lotte's different. She's really nice, and she reads to the point where I can barely pay attention to the printed words. I just wait for her to flip the page, too focused on her voice.

"'But alas, there was no chance…'"

The chapter ends without her usual grace, without the gentle dip in her last word, and I take a glance. The rim of her glasses shine against the lamps, pointed down the walkway. I frown and turn my head to the voices down a couple of bookshelves.

From what it sounds like, it's Finnelan with Ursula following her, which honestly is a routine thing whenever Lotte and I come down here. I don't know how Ursula does it. I mean, I do like Finnelan as a professor. She's patient with us at least, though then again, we don't blow up half of the school every other week like Akko does. That and, you know, Diana's usually the one doing the talking. Which she's really good at, so I mean… Yeah, Finnelan's not all bad. But at the same time…Finnelan's chores aren't fun. I guess it only takes people like Diana to actually like them, after she does all the talking of course, so I don't know how Ursula manages it. Especially since, like, I feel like she's scared of her own shadow.

You know the really weird part? I think Ursula doesn't mind lugging around those huge books either… Which, come to think of it—as I'm watching the fattest stack of books I've seen be carried at once—, I don't know how she's able to do it at all in the first place. She might be scared of her own shadow, but damn, I don't want to think of how strong Ursula is.

As the professors cross our line of sight, I hear Ursula snap, "God dammit," when she smacks into the corner of another desk. Lotte and I somehow figure out our own ways to stifle our giggles—me with a simple bite on my knuckles.

Finnelan is quick to catch the top few books with a sigh. "Honestly, madam. I said I could carry those."

"I swear I had them!" Ursula replies swiftly, rebalancing herself out. "Honest!"

Finnelan's not even paying attention. I can practically feel her cold, sharp eyes skim the covers of the books she holds. Her attention is so attached to those stupid books (they're for rune history, and I don't give a shit about that class) that she hisses, "What?! Are you going to shove them up your cunt?! Come on, I'll carry these."

Oh. My. God.

And you know what's even better? I never thought I'd hear Ursula snap back at Finnelan—with a fucking smile too: "Anne! My word! How much have you drunk today?!"

I can barely hold my breath. I want to laugh so bad it hurts my stomach. I glance at Lotte, and she's just beet-red in the face. "What?! Nothing more than the usual! Oh right, you said your arse. Never mind."

How the fuck does Finnelan cussing sound so natural?! It's illegal. Illegal.

We both nearly strangle ourselves to keep quiet from behind our raised books. They watch each other for a moment, and Ursula wears this light grin. She whispers something neither of us catch, though I… I think they're teasing each other?! I eye Lotte again, whose smile is even wider than Ursula's. There's another few words before they leave to another few bookshelves, which finally leaves us to snort into the pages of our Nightfall books.

"W-What was that?!" I hiss, eyeing Lotte as she laughs, her tongue caught between her teeth.

"I don't know," she murmurs. "I didn't think Professor Finnelan could swear during school hours."

"And I thought Ursula's scared of her."

Lotte shrugs. "Well I did tell you she laughed at one of Professor Finnelan's jokes once."

I nod and admit, "I guess… Remind me not to doubt you with gossip."

"Th-That wasn't gossip!"

"Right…" I chuckle as she blushes her disagreement, though I don't add anything. Instead, I rest against my book and mutter, "But Finnelan's kinda weird…"

Lotte nods and flips through a few chapters. "Yeah. I think a lot of the professors are, though. Professor Finnelan seems to be the most normal."

"I guess." I scratch my jaw. "She still kinda scares me though."

"Me too. But not as much as first year. She kind of softens after the tenth detention," Lotte notes. "And I think Akko's worn her out a bit too."

"Definitely." I think for a long minute about how strange Luna Nova is. Even the building's weird. Like, I swear the windows open themselves sometimes. And the statues have to have a piece of life to them… I glance at Lotte when she sighs. She slips off her glasses for a moment to clean them, and my chest jolts. Her eyes are a bright blue, and I've yet to find anybody else with a pair to match. I doubt I ever will. Once she puts them back on, however, I turn away with the back of my neck warm. I cough before asking, "S-So, um, you think Lucille really did all that stuff to Arthur and Belle because she hated them?"

Concentrated, Lotte frowns. "I mean, I don't know about hate. She could be very jealous and all that stuff. Although the series never did any love triangle with her or anything."

I scoff and sink into my seat. "You and your love triangles," I murmur.

She shrugs. "Guilty trope, I guess."

"But it gets so old!" I argue. "And all of them look the same in this series anyway. There's never any changes."

Lotte nods and agrees: "Yeah. Nightfall's really bad about that. But at least they all end up happy. I've read other stuff that just…takes it to a wrong level."

"Yeah… I guess I can see that."

She taps along the pages. "What about you with all of Arthur's transformations? You always like it whenever he turns and destroys everything. …doesn't that get old?"

It's my turn to shrug. "I-I mean, it gets old in the sense they do it the same every time. B-But…" I swallow, and my words are suddenly a lot harder to speak. Lotte takes note and watches me, and the glow of the lanterns around us highlights her face enough to where I can see that bright blue from even past those thick lenses. "I mean, since there's so many authors and stuff, I noticed there's a pattern with what you said about when the authors switched. My favorite scenes are the ones where they treat his werewolf-ism like a disorder… Like…" I grow quiet and shrug again. "It wouldn't be something that goes away. It repeats itself, and it comes out of nowhere, s-so, you know… It's interesting. Especially with how the new Annabelle writes it."

Lotte nods. "Yeah… She's really talented. She's doing a lot of stuff that the other people haven't before. I don't think she's even done a love triangle," she murmurs.

"Y-Yeah."

She looks at the pages, and just from the page numbers—567 and 568—, I know it's the full moon scene at the London Bell-tower—one of the worst of Arthur's transformations when he couldn't even recognize himself in the canal's reflection. And this was after Belle found a way to treat his werewolf-ism so that, if he saw himself, he could get some of his control back. "Nightfall never really talks about that stuff, does it?" Lotte whispers, almost contemplative.

I frown and mumble, "Yeah. And even with Arthur, he's always the bad one in those stories."

"Yeah." Lotte leans into her chair and fixes her glasses. "I don't think he is usually. Even in this one. L-Like you said, it is kind of like a disorder."

"R-Really? You noticed that too?"

Lotte nods. "Yeah. After a couple of read-throughs though. I was young when I first read it, you know? Like eight or nine, so I didn't understand that stuff."

I feel myself sink. Of course she didn't at first. L-Lotte isn't like me. She's not like Arthur either. She's everything like Belle, a-and it's a good thing, don't get me wrong. But… "It's the first thing I noticed when I read them," I mumble.

"It was?"

"Yeah." I rub my arm. "I guess because it's… I dunno." I frown and turn away from her. "Maybe because I'm, um, Team Arthur, so like…I noticed that stuff." It's a white lie, or a half-truth. Both? I don't know.

"Maybe…" she murmurs. For a moment, we just sit and let the library read the room. And it's a nice, quiet mood. I chew my bottom lip. What if… What if I just lean and— Wait, no, there's footsteps. I can't do anything. I tense with a scowl, and my glare is sharp as I watch the corner of a few bookshelves.

And...

Akko. Just great.

My slight grin, which I didn't know was there, drops as she wanders over, and I study her with a frown. She looks suspicious. I mean, okay, she always looks suspicious, but she has a weird smile and spark in her eye. As if she knows yet another thing she shouldn't. And whenever Akko knows something she shouldn't, something gets blown up, or something arson-related, or just…stupid.

As I hear Lotte close her book from beside me, I ask, "Why are you here?"

Akko folds her arms, and her smile flat-lines to a scowl. "I don't know. Why are you here? I thought you'd want to be tied at Hannah's hip while she's messing around with Amanda."

"You little—"

"Akko!" Lotte sighs with disgust. She stands and holds her book to her chest and asks, "I hope you didn't barge in on them again like last time…"

In turn, she shakes her head roughly. "No!" Akko insists, but I still don't trust the look that still lingers on her face. "That was an accident, and this time, Amanda just kicked me out while we were trying to study and stuff 'cause Diana said!" She whirls around and points to her ass. "See?! I bet her shoe-mark is still there!"

Rightfully so, it is. And Amanda's foot is half of it, apparently. I roll my eyes and stand as well. "Akko? Why are you here then? Diana's probably done with whatever Holbrooke told her to do."

"I can be wherever I want, Barbara," she retorts. "This is my school, and I'm the one who has to fly over Asia while you just scoot from your mansion or whatever."

"You being Asian is irrelevant," I grumble, slumping back to my chair.

Lotte's giggle has a jolt sing in my chest. "Yeah, Akko, I don't know what that has to do with anything… But we can walk back to the dorm now, if that's what you're waiting for." Akko nods vigorously, and Lotte sighs before joining her side. As Akko flips me off as her goodnight, which I just roll my eyes to (because, like, what a dumbass), Lotte gives a soft wave and says, "See you tomorrow, Barbara."

I feel like I can melt into my chair. "See you…" I mumble, and I watch her follow around the corner, hissing at Akko to quit being mean (she means a dick, but when has ever Lotte cussed like that?). With Akko stealing my night away, again, I take my book and slide in my chair as I get to my feet. I linger for a moment, keeping the small fuzz in my chest secure before I have to go in my dorm. The small fuzz that Lotte always gives me, and it's warm and nice because, well, Lotte's nice.

And I like that. Like her.

[= = =]

It's nights like these, just after the cusp of your time with Barbara, that you just lay in your bed and eye the line of Nightfall books set along your bookshelves. Where Sucy sleeps as if her bed's a coffin, and Akko scrambles at the desk trying to finish the essay she'd—yet again—procrastinated on. They always seem to be Professor Finnelan's assignments. Go figure. The only assignments she does the day of are Professor Ursula's, even if she doesn't tutor her. Of course, Diana's involvement also helps.

And whenever Diana helps, and Hannah is out with Amanda doing God knows what in the town, Barbara comes by and… You grin. It's never anything particularly special, though the reading and the studying and the light talks together are always nice.

The bunk wriggles, and you sit up. Through your squint, you see Akko's head poke out from the end. As you slip on your glasses, she perches herself at the edge. "Yes, Akko?"

"What? I can be here too."

With a sigh, you say, "Yeah, I know. But still. Did you get it done?"

Akko nods. "Yeah. Finnelan's essays are always so stupid."

"You did say the other day they actually do help you understand what's going on," you murmur pointedly.

"Well, yeah, but it's still stupid." She continues to watch you with a wide grin, and it deters your own that had lingered. "…Lotte?"

"What?"

Akko's an anomaly. Not that that's a secret or anything, but she's the embodiment of a trickster in all of the mythologies you read up on—all of them that are referenced in Nightfall, of course. But yes, she is, and the unpredictability that reeks off of her is enough for you to eye Akko steadily.

So…when she doesn't answer, you ask, "Akko, what are you up to?"

"Nothing right now…"

"Akko, you're never in my bed at this hour."

"What hour?"

"This one! Just spit out whatever you're planning on asking."

She pouts like you just poked a hole in her rouse. Which is probably accurate. This semester has been rather slow compared to the others, and you assume it's getting to Akko the most. As you concluded before: she's a trickster. "Fine… You know Barbara really likes you, right?"

"I know that…" you mumble, though to say this confirmation isn't something that coils your gut would be a lie. Because it does. A lot. "So what?"

"…well, I was just wondering 'cause she wasn't reading at all in the library."

You shrug and say, "Well, she doesn't read aloud a lot. She kind of gets nervous about it so…" You freeze and stare. "H-How long where you there for?!"

"Only twenty minutes. I was on the top level. You can see a lot there."

So that's how she's able to figure out her own arsenal of gossip… You shake your head and rub your cheek. "Akko, I told you if you actually joined a club or something, you wouldn't be so bored all the time."

She rolls her eyes and scoffs. "Nah, that's more boring. I don't like schedules."

"Well I know that," you hum with a light laugh. "But still. It would look better for jobs and stuff."

"How would a chess club help me with being a show magician?" Akko deadpans.

You slap your hand to your forehead. "…oh Akko."

"What?!"

"Are you going to be a show magician at eighty years old?! You'd break your hip before you'd get on your broom."

She shakes her head roughly. "Uh, no! My family ages very well, and I'll figure it out. Besides, I'm very entertained with what goes on in the school. It's very fun." Akko pauses, then says, "Even the professors. Except for Lukić. I think she just…exists."

You sigh and rest your head against your knees. Then you frown. "What were you doing in the library before you found us?" She blinks, and that sly smile stretches. "Akko…?"

"Oh nothing," she hums. "I was just wandering around. Why?"

"Wandering around in the library?"

Akko frowns and says, "Hey! I can be there!"

"Yeah but you only go there when—" To her watchful eye, you deflate and mumble, "Never mind… Just— You just look like you're up to something!"

"She's always up to something…" Sucy growls from under her covers, most definitely irritated by the discussion.

Akko snaps her attention towards the single bed and asks, "How long have you been listening?!"

"Your voice always ruins my sleep, now shut up!"

With a scowl, Akko mumbles, "…she's staying up to shove a bottle in my mouth again." Akko eyes you and asks, "Can I sleep up here tonight?"

"No."

"What?!"

You fold your arms and shake your head. "You might as well be immune at this point, Akko! I wouldn't be able to last a night with her potions!"

"And I would get a step ladder anyway…"

"Shut up, Sucy!"

There's a light smile that their beckons out of you, and you can't help but breathe a quiet sigh. "Anyway, why were you lurking around the library?"

Akko turns back to you and pouts. "I wasn't…lurking." You arch a brow. "Okay, whatever. But I'm not telling. It's for me to know, and you to find out."

Sucy groans into her pillow before sitting upright, and you hear a clink of a vial from in her nightie's shirt. She stretches and folds her arms, her eye to your top bunk. "Who did you witness?"

Witness…? you mouth as Akko snorts defiantly.

"It's for me to know, and you to find out," she repeats.

Your eyes widen, and you snap, "A-Akko!"

"What?! It would probably ruin the date you had with Barbara anyway—"

"It wasn't a date," you hiss as tightly as a tea kettle. "We were just reading!" Your cheeks, though, are as warm as said tea kettle, and you can't help but feel as if Akko took note. Her small grin says so anyway.

"You using it for blackmail?" Sucy quips, monotone.

"N-No! It's just insurance!"

Your eyes bulge, and you gasp, "Akko, that's not any better!"

"…whatever," she mumbles, though you don't think Akko's all that fazed. As she begins to climb down the bunk's ladder, you barely hear Sucy snort something—birthed from her dry wit, for sure, though you don't know what it was she said. Regardless, it prompts, "You're such a bitch, Sucy!" from Akko who flops into her bed.

Sucy murmurs, "At least I'm contained."

While they bicker, you lay back into your pillow and slip off your glasses, setting them back in place on your Nightfall book. Your hand lingers on the cover, and you barely grin. A date… And you know what? You don't really know what those hours spent in the library felt like anymore. Friendly, of course, though there was a lot less reading than before. They still weren't dates, though, as you guide yourself to sleep with the muse of the growing argument underneath you, you know full well that they weren't time spent with just a friend.

[= = =]

So…Akko's quieter today. Not any less of a bumbling irritation considering that every now and again, when she does open her mouth, she spews all of what she knows. As in all of the stuff Akko knows but shouldn't...

Sucy definitely drugged her with something. For one, even Akko's careful with admitting stuff about professors (which uh…Finnelan spikes all of her teas with whiskey, apparently? …guess that's why she never shares them). Then there was Amanda and Hannah using her bed for…stuff. That I already knew, of course, because I had to deal with Akko bitching in my suite. Well, okay, I would be bitching too, but still. She owes me three pillows.

And then after Sucy asked something about I don't know what, Akko just blurts out that Diana apparently drooled all over her shoulder after their first kiss. Which, granted, happened after Akko accidentally turned her into a llama, but still. Diana wasn't happy, obviously, so now she's abandoned Hannah and me to our work while she interrogates Akko, and then Sucy too because, uh, yeah…Sucy definitely drugged her with something.

Anyway, so Hannah and I are watching the cauldron and adding one drop of the solvent potion like Diana told us to do—every other minute, just one drop. Every now and again, I glance at the line of small boxes towards the back of the lecture hall. "I'm so glad those cockroaches are away from us," Hannah says once her eyes follow my line of sight. She shivers and says, "Diana says she's going to take care of that, right? Like…put ours in the cauldron once it's done?"

"Yeah…" I say with my own disgust. "What do you think we'll end up doing? I kind of want to see it turn into a cute little thing."

"You and your foxes," Hannah giggles, dropping another squirt of the solvent potion.

"What?! They're cute!"

She sets aside the dropper as I stir with the metal stick. I don't know what it's called. Diana said something really complicated, so all I know is that it's, like, this metal stick. Or rod. Whatever. I don't know. I'm still dumb as a rock.

"Remember when you tried to keep that fox as a pet until your maid found him?"

I roll my eyes. "Uh, Sir Rufus is still around the property. They haven't found the house I made him last summer."

"It's still there?"

"It was there when I went back for the weekend last month," I say with a shrug. "And so was Sir Rufus. He's still really small and cute too. Except now he's really red and pretty, and he's been screaming and laughing and stuff whenever I feed him. He's so fucking loud."

Hannah snickers with a smile, and there's a clatter beside us. "Oh shit, I dropped the pestle."

She goes around the table, and as Hannah does so, Diana comes back and looks into the cauldron. "We're still behind… I think our batch was the one Lukić said was mixed up with the rest."

"The one with the wrong dilution?" I ask.

She nods, then points her arched brow as Hannah swears with a bump of the table. "So two drops instead of one," Diana says with an additional, "What are you doing, Hannah? Cracking an egg?"

Hannah, who's on her knees, wrenches her sore cranium from just above the table's surface. "I'm not an egghead, Diana! Stop that!"

"You sure…?" I snicker. "That's like the one thing Akko's right about."

"Shut up, Barbara! She's the one who called you a lump of flour!" I glower as Diana grins to herself. Once Hannah ducks back under, she snaps, "The goddamn pestle's lodged in the fuckin' base. I can't get it out."

Diana rounds the table with a sigh. "You're a bloody witch, Hannah! Where's your wand?!"

I smirk and slip in the two drops with the bottle in one hand, and the dropper in the other. "You really are an egghead."

The table lurches again, and Hannah hisses, "Barbara…!"

My quiet laughs aren't the only ones I hear. I turn over my shoulder and see the red team at work, Sucy (of course) handling most of the raw materials while Akko stirs, and Lotte… I feel my cheeks redden as she smiles at me, having watched my team's whole exchange. I don't pay attention to Diana who ducks underneath the table to help Hannah. I just wave shyly, only to frown when Lotte startles and claps a hand over her mouth.

I hear a glop! right as she does so, and I turn to the cauldron with a tight swallow. And I just…stand there. Frozen.

…so, uh, yeah, I'm not holding the bottle anymore.

"Uh oh…" I whisper, and I feel the tension from underneath of the table.

"Barbs…? What just happened?" Hannah asks with a curious ring to her voice.

The potion in the cauldron bubbles, and burps with steam. I swallow, and I'm too stunned to even try and back away. I can only manage, "A-Akko's right. I am a lump of flour, Hannah."

"W-What—"

As the cauldron jerks to life, Diana wrenches Hannah from underneath the table and snaps, "Don't get up!" And, well, the rest of the tables immediately around us are empty of students.

Then.

A surge of blinding smoke, and I'm toppled steaming to the ground.

Well… Okay. Fuck.

I blink and stare at the ceiling. All I can think of is that my knees feel like they're on backwards, and my butt feels longer. And my ears are…flat? Like a fuzzy flat. I tilt my head up from the ground, and I see Hannah just staring with a moderately-surprised expression. I turn to Diana as she steps around the table, wearing the exact same face. Hannah blinks, then turns to her.

"So like…do we just turn Barbs in for our grade?"

Diana stares, her lips pursed into her cheeks. Then she just fucking shrugs. "Yes, I think so." She crouches down and hoists me from my fluffy armpits. I feel my small though long body dangle from her grip, and my arms are extended outward. And they're very furry. Black with dashes of grey patterns. And I have claws now, so if any of the assholes in this room giggles the wrong way, I can just snip. "Alright, Barbara, we're turning you in now," Diana hums, and she sounds very amused. "You better give us the high marks for your contribution…"

Oh. So she's having fun. Diana may be one of my best friends, but she can be a right cow.

My ears titter towards Hannah's light giggles while I'm carried down the lecture hall. …she's also a cow.

But to my right, there's a soft, quiet laugh. And I don't have to turn around—well, okay, I don't turn around at all because…I don't want to. But, I know it's Lotte. And…yeah. She gets a pass.

At the forefront of the room, before I realize it, I'm suddenly staring into the eyes of Lukić—presented as our group project. Safe to say, probably the most terrifying thing I've done. And I've gotten one of Finnelan's detentions. Lukić sighs into her cauldron and takes out her clipboard. "I see…you've chosen to go for a Vulpes vulpes, Parker?"

The only thing I can do as an answer is sigh through my muzzle, and it comes out more like a disgruntled whine than anything.

[= = =]

"You were a cute little fox though."

You laugh as Barbara's face burns a deep red, though she breathes a laugh of her own. "I guess… It was really weird. Diana and Hannah had to carry me all the way to Ursula 'cause she's the one who knows how to fix it with a spell, and Lukić's potion was out, so…"

"Why didn't you just move away from the cauldron?" you ask. "All the other teams dove out of the way."

"W-Well, I dunno…"

The two of you walk side-by-side, down the gravel paths around the school. It's lunch, though Professor Ursula had recommended Barbara get some sun and fresh air. Barbara, of course, took that advice, and took you along with her. Not that you were against it when she asked. Not at all…

Around a corner, passing one of the older courtyards with the fragmented statue that resembled nothing by this point, you two step into the cool shadow of the academy. "So, uh, what did Sucy experiment on Akko?" Barbara suddenly asks.

"O-Oh, it was actually a truth potion," you explain, recalling the rambled arguments from underneath your bunk that you awoke to. None of it made a lick of sense—Akko was just slurring so many things together—, and Sucy was irritated. "I…think Sucy wanted to know what Akko found out in the library, but Akko really doesn't want to tell anybody, so it—uh—broke the potion?"

"What?" Barbara murmurs, brow arched.

"Yeah… Sucy told me that the dose was only for one question, but because Akko refused to answer her, she can't stop saying everything else but that." You can't help but giggle and say, "Sucy's the angriest I've seen her in a while… She's working on another potion to shut Akko up while she finds the remedy she made."

Barbara sighs. "Damn. Aren't you worried?"

You shake your head. "No. Sucy's used this potion before, so I know it's safe. They'll both be fine in an hour or two."

"I guess that's good."

There's a lapse of silence between you, and there's a rest in your walk. The two of you linger beside the wall of the academy, underneath the windows where the first floor is. Across the way, along several fields, you see the edge of where the Jennifer Memorial Tree reaches from overtop the greenhouse. Even though there isn't any talking, you feel that this is…better than before? In a way. It's comfortable, like there doesn't need to be any words whereas before there was the reading, and the talking.

Although, you do like the sound of Barbara's voice. You also like the way her hair falls down her uniform, and the pine eyes that—

Your skin scorches as you turn away and rub you neck. "Lotte?"

"Hmm?"

She sounds thoughtful, and Barbara murmurs, "You're… How are you so nice to everybody? Even though all the teams are so different…?"

That… You've never really thought of that before. You turn to her and shrug. "I mean, if they're nice to be around, then I can be nice to them. And if they're not, I'll just not be around them… I've always just done that. I don't like…bullies…" Your last few words were quiet, and you swallow as they sink between the two of you.

"But not…me? I-I'm…fine?" You don't answer immediately because, well, there is a slight contradiction. Not that Barbara's a bully like the ones from your town, but…well… Still. Barbara frowns and says, "I know I'm not that nice, Lotte."

"W-Well, I think you are," you argue quickly. "You're just…um, someone who get's caught up in things. Y-Yeah…"

The pine in her eyes shift, and they say otherwise. But she looks at you all the same with a quiet smile. It's not happy, really, but it's not— You don't really know what it is, to be honest. "Well, um, I guess that's why I like you, Lotte," she breathes. "I can try to pretend that I am nice when I'm around you."

"'Try to?'" you ask as Barbara shifts in place.

"Y-Yeah…" There's a dip in tension. You can feel it crawl. It's an ambience that surrounds her. "I-It's easier when we're together…"

You don't know what she means by it. Whatever your brewing question about this it, it's washed away within seconds. She's close now. You don't know whether or not you're nervous because this is Barbara, or because she's really close, or because…well, this isn't exactly the most secluded spot for anything. Out of the way, sure, but...

"Lotte?"

"Hmm…?" you can only manage.

There's a level of concentration in those green, pine eyes of hers. It's not the same as solving a puzzle, exactly—or maybe it is, but it's not any puzzle you can see. "Can I…kiss you?" she murmurs.

You blink, and with a light nod, you whisper, "Y-Yeah…"

There's a hesitance about her before she leans in with hands planted on either side of you, practically bolted to the wall. But once her lips touch yours, it's infinitely apparent that she's done this before. Maybe with Hannah, before she started dating Amanda. Or possibly with a boy or two. Another girl?

Regardless, Barbara knows this. Knows how to move around your glasses, easing you into the motions. You can't help it. A deer struck in headlights. An owl lulled by the moon. You just respond because Barbara is soft, and warm, and by Jennifer, this is nothing that any of the Nightfall volumes promised. Your attention is everywhere, and your lips are but the tip of the iceberg. Your heart is chattering as any jackrabbit sprinting from the gunshot of a hunter, and you can feel her confidence—the brash that you knew stained her when all you saw was a bully.

That's it, isn't it? She's not a bully, of course—you know that. Not truly one, anyway. Well…maybe she is. You don't really know what to admit. What you do know is that Barbara has a side to her that you admire like no other. But…it still doesn't take away the fact that she isn't like you. She's not tame, nor docile. There's an intensity to her, and you feel it. You feel it start to sink into your flesh, tainting you as well.

You haven't realized that your hands were stuck, nervous, to your chest before the two of you part so that the glasses—that barrier she knew how to work around—could be slipped away. With them folded in your hand, you tentatively grasp her jaw on either side and bring her back in. The pine in her eyes are dark, as if looking into the woods at the dead of night. And you're still wandering within them. Without any reason, but she's guiding you, and you feel safe, and you're completely enveloped by a cozy, knitted warmth that bleeds into the base of your stomach. You're content with that, with this moment without your glasses—practically blind—with Barbara the only one here.

Except.

It keeps building.

There's a ferocity that you feel lurks between the two of you, and it all comes from her. The ambience is turning intense. There's an eagerness in her thrum as it melts against your lips, and before you know it, her tongue has slinked between the barrier of teeth. It's nice. It's not bad, and you know what it means. It's all just intimacy.

But.

Well…

This intimacy is now intimidating. You read about these feelings in Nightfall where, of course, there was an emphasis on this very thing in these sort of scenes. A "molten warmth." "Moans shared between the two lovers." Hell, even "tongues battling for dominance."

Here's the thing though, which is what you're quickly learning:

Your tongues are not so much "battling for dominance" but instead welding themselves together to an incomprehensible degree; your moans aren't heard, but you feel hers throb into your chest, and you can't help but think that your quiet breaths—too—latch themselves into her some way, shape or form; you feel that molten warmth, except it's not molten at all, but instead it's a festering, convulsing vat of shivers and iron-hot tendrils that flood your organs from the inside out.

You know what this means. It's intimacy. And you do like it. You really do. You really like Barbara enough to do this, and maybe it wouldn't feel intimidating if you were warned. Nightfall didn't do anything to tell you this. Your parents certainly didn't. Neither of the couples told you what it felt—and they went all in at the first chance they got.

Probably because they were built the same. Akko and Diana. Amanda and Hannah. Built the same as Barbara.

But you're not.

You're not. You feel her hands crawl along your torso, and yet again everything you feel is nice, and intimate, and something that you will value. You know you will. Of course—you're the one with love triangles as your guilty pleasure, not her. Yet, this is— It's on a different level.

It's too much.

You need to start off at the kiddie pool. Not in the epicenter of a tidal wave.

So. You don't think. It's a scalding surge of force that thrusts throughout your shoulders, and you just push. You hear her yelp, and you feel the flecks of dirt pelt your body as you stagger back against the wall. You're trembling with arousal and shock as you slip on your glasses, and your breaths are pierced. You watch her, panting, as Barbara remains stagnant on the ground. She's frozen in a bout of shock, and her eyes are wide at you. From the way dirt and grass paint her legs and powder her skirt, you know she hit the ground with the equivalent of both of your weights combined.

You swallow as everything slots together. For the first time in weeks, your thoughts fumble an obscenity of your own: O-Oh shite.

Barbara continues to stare at you, and you see something in her eyes. Your gut plummets, and there's something wrong. More than you think. She's angry. She's livid. But it's not like a snap of a twig, nor a simple switch of a light. Actually, it's like the switch blew itself off its wall, leaving a devastating crater. Something that is not easily mendable. And just from the look of her face, you're reminded of the time your quaint town had this little arctic fox befriend a hen from a coop. One day, however, the chicken did a simple, innocent chicken thing, and the fox struck.

That's what she is. Instead of a bear, or a lioness, or a territorial hippo, Barbara's always been the fox.

And right now, you're feeling very much like that hen from the way Barbara wrenches herself to her feet and backs away from you. Her eyes abruptly swim in livid tears, and her face is crinkled with a borderline, unstable outrage. You can tell she's holding onto the seams of herself. Trying to manage to hold everything together, but it's not enough for her words: "W-What th— WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" Barbara snarls, her hands strangling the air. "W-WHY—?!"

"I-I— Barbara, I didn't mean—"

"NO! WHY WOULD YOU SAY YES IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME AT ALL?!" She's really like that fox, isn't she? One moment, docile and sweet and kind to the gentle hen. But now, her words are coarse. From the gut. Her words are the growls of a hunter: "THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Frazzled, you shake your head vigorously with your hands reached for her. Barbara rips herself further away, and you feel yourself practically smack against so many of her walls as they shunt themselves between the two of you. "I-I'm sorry! I-I didn't mean—!"

"Just—" Barbara hisses, choking on her words. "Just forget it!"

And with that, she's gone.

You're left in a daze. With everything paralyzed all around you, your sash is the first to be fixed. Tightened again as you blink at the patch of dirt Barbara landed on. And then it's flattening your skirt. Straightening your socks. At last, you fix your headband before stumbling forward, searching for her. Maybe you should've just ran after her, though you don't rightly know what would've happened if you did. Something would've.

By the time you push through one of the double doors, you don't even realize it. You also don't realize you almost run straight into the green team.

It's only when Amanda laughs, "S'up Lo…?" when you do. "Wait, um." Her laugh dies, and she asks, "Uh, what happened?"

You blink and double-back. "W-What?"

Jasminka tilts her head from beside Amanda, "You look pale and red at the same time. Are you getting a fever?" Constanze nods in agreement, and you figure you might as well have a fever. Everything is still sweltering. Half of your body is humming with the same vapid eagerness that had you between the wall and Barbara.

Even so, you shake your head, "Um, n-no—"

"And your collar is all sorts of fucked up," Amanda adds.

Your eyes widen, and you spook. Your collar is completely popped, and your cross-tie is dangerously loose. You hastily crease it back, then tighten the neckwear. "No, I— I'm fine, just—"

"Dude, you're not fine. What happened?"

You can't help but press your knuckles against your lips. You still feel her mouth against yours, and her tongue along your own. "I-I— Where's Barbara?"

"What?" Amanda frowns. "Did something—"

"Where is she, Amanda?! Did you see her run by here?!"

"What?!" She narrows her eyes as you fumble nothing for an explanation. "Did Barbara—?"

"Just—!" you hiss. "Just where is she?!"

"U-Uh, well." Constanze points towards the edge where the ceiling and corridor walls meet, right towards— "Oh, yeah… She might've gone to her suite. You know she always goes…there…" Amanda mumbles. "So, uh…"

You deflate and shake your head. "Never mind."

"What…?"

"Never mind, I'll just…go read." If she went to the suite, you know there isn't getting to her now. Not like how you should. As you begin to stride away, leaving the green team perplexed, you barely hear Amanda stammer some words of comfort, though they don't really reach you. Nothing that would register.

You just meander off with only one table in mind.

[= = =]

I hate when this happens. I really, really fucking do.

All it takes is liking something too much, and then when that last thread snaps, I just— I can only see red, and I don't know what to do. I have no control. I can't just stop breaking every friendship I have. Hannah's only stuck around because I'm an obligation to her, I guess. I don't really know, and I've never asked. I think that's why though. It has to be. There's no other reason.

And then there's Lotte. I did it again, but I didn't want it to happen to her. She's like this— I don't know. She's like this nice little lamb. I've never seen her get angry before, and even when she's mildly irritated at Akko or Sucy, it's only her tone and eyes that change.

Then I come in like this wolf in sheep's clothing, and the first thing I do is fuck it up. Go rabid. Almost bite her head off. And I-I... I don't want to be a wolf. I just want to be normal.

But I can't stop.

So many people say Hannah and me are the same. We do the same things. We say the same shit. But…no. I mean, yeah, we do, but Hannah knows where her control panel is—she can stop whenever she wants. And I'm— I don't know where mine is. I'm just backed into this really dark corner, and I can't do anything right...

I can only curl up against my pillow with shaken breaths, my duvet pulled all around me. I can't even pull out my Nightfall books to calm all the incessant feelings that's fucking up my head. All of the things I said… That's— That's the only thing I can read right now. And I hate it. I hate it so much, but I-I don't know what to do. Maybe if I just stay in this cocoon, it'll just leave. Me. Alone.

I know it's not. I'm dumb, but I have some scrap of intelligence. I know it's never worked, and by the time I step out of it, it's back to feeling numb until something else happens, and I feel it to an extreme. Maybe I'll piss someone off for the sake of feeling something, or maybe I could just be like Lotte and not be a bitch at all...

"Barbara…?"

Immediately, it just flies out: "Fuck off."

Damn. It.

Hannah though, being relentless, only takes a moment before she asks, "Are you…okay?"

I try again and mumble, "Leave me alone. Please." I'm honestly just thankful that it doesn't come out as bitchy as every other thing that I say.

"Bar—"

"Hannah. I said leave me alone."

I feel her pause. She's not going to let this go. I know it. I know it.

Right when I feel her sit at the opposite corner of my bed, I jerk myself out of the covers and teeter to my desk. I glare over my shoulder, and she watches me, unnerved. Hannah's eyes flick across my uniform, and I know she sees the dirt and flakes of scuffed skin along my legs. "B-Barbara…? What—"

"Go. Away. Hannah," I breathe.

She gets to her feet and asks, "This was Lotte, wasn't it?!"

That does it. I don't have a chance to rein in the words that lurch out of me: "JUST FUCKING LEAVE, HANNAH! FOR THE LOVE OF THE NINES, JUST LEAVE!"

"NOT WHEN YOU'RE ACTING UNREASONABLE, BARBARA!" Hannah barks back.

"UNREASONABLE?! UNREASONABLE?!" I scream. "NOTHING I FEEL COMES FROM A SPIT OF REASON! FUCK OFF! GO AWAY, HANNAH!" Weakly, I stumble into my chair and turn my back to her. "Just l-leave…" There's nothing to keep the sudden onslaught sobs from escaping, nor the tears that warble every sense of sight I have. I have no control. I have no fucking control.

I'm still a fucking child. And I-I— "I don't want anybody to see me l-like this, including you… S-So just go. Get away from me…"

Hannah still lingers. Although, she doesn't say a word. Instead, I hear the suite door shut behind her a minute later, leaving me to myself. I hiss through the knot in my throat, and the hands around my head hold it tight.

Everything around me glares down at me. They all have the eyes of my father, and I can't coil any further into myself without toppling off the chair. Everything glares, and leers, and snaps at me. Biting and demanding the truth.

The truth… The truth?! Do you want the truth from me?! I'll fucking give it to you.

I don't know what happened.

I don't. Not really. The only scrap I understand is what I already know: I'm stupid. I'm never in control. Everything is so numb and dull, but whenever Lotte walks into the room, I-I start to feel this fuzz of warmth. And in a body where I'm starved, I follow it blindly. I have nothing else to reference. I comprehend what I'm supposed to do, but as soon as I-I feel something, it doesn't matter. There's someone else with the remote, and all I am is just this…thing. I-I don't know what to do. I never have.

Maybe it was gluttony—my mum's favorite sin to reference. I think so. She always went on and on about the Seven Deadly Sins whenever my father was off doing the family business. Out of all of them, gluttony is the only one I feel. All I can do is consume every source of emotion I'm given, a-and I just… I-I—

I need a shower.

I just need to get out of my bed.

Somewhere.

I don't know where. I don't know what pull of impulse I should follow. Take a shower and drown myself with my own choked breaths. Find the violet team and crack a smile into my face—wider than any of theirs. Search for Lotte and— And… I don't know. I can't think, and I can't breathe, and I can't focus on a single. Damn. Thing.

Except I know I reek of dirt. I can barely feel the torn skin along my calves and knees.

Shower. Something. Mayb—

I want out of my body. I-I can't take it. I need that fucking shower. So badly. I can barely manage any of my thoughts. They're all swarming as a mindless hive, and I can only hear how stupid I am. How much of a fucking idiot for thinking that I had an ounce of control after that warm fuzz filled to the brim, and when we were tucked away to the edge of the school, I should've fucking known that it would tip over everything.

And I did it to Lotte.

Oh my god, I did it to Lotte. I went too far, and I couldn't swallow it down before everything tore itself apart.

I stumble my way into the suite's bathroom with the door slammed behind me. I don't know how I manage to turn on the shower. I don't really remember turning on the sink's faucet until my vest is thrown onto the floor, my sleeves are rolled, and my cross-tie just goes missing. I'll find it later, after I try to quiet the scattered tremors between my shoulders, and after my face steams off the water I just pushed against it.

As soon as I lift my head towards myself in the mirror, and stagger backwards into the wall. For the first time, I don't recognize myself. Not at all. I just see this third-year student, petrified with wide eyes, the tips of her bangs dripped in water. She's sweating all over. Her shirt might as well be her skin. Her sash might as well be a disfigured, limp tail.

I can't look at it. Not the mirror. Not into the water filling the sink. Even if it's crystal-clear or warbled by the faucet's current, I can't look at that girl. Myself. Not anymore. Even though I can't recognize the mirror right now, I know my face and skin and bones never felt like they ever fit me. Most of the time, they're all too loose, and I keep trying to live up to whatever it was my mum used to tell me—that I'd grow into the Parker family name, and take it further than my father has. And I can't. I physically can't if everything is ten sizes too big.

But now, in these moments. E-Everything's too tight. I can't breathe with the tension in my chest. Like this is when I'm living up to my family name, and going beyond it. Like being this horrible person is all I have to offer.

I sag against the opposite wall once the faucet is shut off, and I just peel off my clothes to step behind the shower's curtain. The water's scalding.

I-I didn't mean to do it. I swear I didn't mean to yell at Lotte like that. I really didn't. And now, of course, she's not going to talk to me again. Just like Jessica and Hailey and Jasmine and Kasey. And Bailey. And Mariana...

At least I only yelled at her. At least that was the most I was able to do to Lotte, because she's so nice, and I'm just grateful that I'm not able to do anything else.

But, for now, I just sink to my knees and hope that my skin loosens enough for me to breathe.

[= = =]

You haven't done much of anything in the past few hours. Although, you have a feeling that all the green team has been doing is running around the school trying to find anybody with an answer. There isn't anybody that does, you think. You doubt Barbara does just from the way she looked at you, and now that all of those feelings has finally calmed themselves, you're left baffled. You don't know where you found the strength to send Barbara to the ground like that. And, you think, everything was nice before you did. Exciting, even...

Would you have wanted to keep going further? No, not really. You've always liked excitement, sure, though whenever it's something entirely new, you can't help but want to just take it bite-by-bite. It's the one thing you admire about Akko, and don't quite understand: she's able to head-dive into chaotic situations and land on her feet. So many people call her stupid, and dumb, and dense, but you don't think so. Not even a cat would be able to make it out standing when the smoke clears. …figuratively, of course, since Akko constantly wound herself in the nurse's office out cold.

But, even so, after the nurse visit, she's always eager to head right back into trouble.

You think that Diana's observed the same thing too, and maybe she feels the same urge to just calm Akko down whenever she gets herself in too much trouble.

Still, Diana's more capable of handling excitement than you are. Managing it as well as joining it from time-to-time. Whenever you join, you don't anticipate being in the center. You join it because, well…to be quite frank, you're the mother of the group, and you need to keep tabs on everyone. The hen, keeping track of her eggs.

You frown and scowl at your glasses set beside you—or rather the blur that you know should be your glasses.

…you really aren't good in those chaotic situations on your own, are you? You've never clammed up. But you've also never shoved anybody to the ground.

"I thought I'd find you here."

Instantly, your body spikes with chills, and you wrench yourself up, scrambling to put on your glasses. You recognized her bite anywhere. Hannah watches you, arms crossed, at the other side of the table. She may never join you and Barbara in your readings, but she knows all the spots you go to. Including this one, one of the tables to the back of the library.

You continue to watch her and determine that she is still, very much, absolutely, a lioness. Yet, you mumble, "H-Hello…Hannah."

Hannah scoffs. "You want to explain to me why Barbara's having another one of her erratic episodes now?"

You blink. Erratic? …episodes? "W-What do you mean…?"

"I told you she's sensitive, Lotte," she growls. "I wasn't fucking joking."

You wince, though reply, "I-I thought you meant that she was like me!" Hannah almost stumbles over her retort, and she eyes you carefully. You take the chance to ask, "What do you mean by 'erratic episodes?'"

"…just that?" she murmurs. There's still a sharp edge to her words, though it's like Hannah's not on the prowl anymore, though instead finding the line of her territory. Hannah's mild confusion, however, takes away some of her claws. She's not as scary anymore. "You mean you've never have her…blow up on you? Or, just, break down over nothing?"

"N-No…?" you say. "I-I mean, sometimes I'll find her on her own crying and…just sit…by…her…"

Oh.

It hits you like a ton of bricks. No, you have. You've seen the warning signs. So many of them. You've comforted Barbara out of them.

You lean against the table and rest against your arms. Hannah still watches you, and her hazel eyes are ever so piercing. "So, like, what happened?"

You shrug. "W-We were walking around, a-and we ended up by one of the older courtyards around the outside," you explain quietly. You pick up your head with a light sniff, then rub the burn in your right eye, lifting your glasses. "I didn't mean to. We just started kissing and stuff, and I-I've never done anything like that before so I just…pushed her. Really hard. I didn't mean to, but—"

"And…she went all in, didn't she?" Hannah mumbles, and you know her confusion is slowly ebbing away; mostly because, as you suspected, they have kissed before, so you know that Hannah knows what you're talking about. So, you nod. Hannah lingers for a moment, and now you're left puzzled. She's never looked at you like this before—out of sympathy with a whiff of compassion. Yet, here Hannah is, hesitating with her hand on the back of a chair before breathing a sigh, pulling the chair out. As Hannah sits across the table from you, you can only watch with a hesitance of your own.

"I... Okay, that makes a lot of sense now," she murmurs quietly.

You frown. "What?"

She blinks, shrugs, and says, "Well, I mean, Barbara's done this kind of thing before." Hannah scratches the back of her neck, and quietly, she admits, "…she's. L-Like I said… Sh-She can get really erratic. And…it gets scary sometimes. So I— I-I know it's not your fault. I-It is her..."

With your chin back against the crook of your elbow, you muffle, "I-I… Okay."

"But she's not, like, actually a mean and scary person. She's actually really nice when you're close enough. She just…lashes out because she's scared too."

Like some feral cat? You frown again and decide that, no, you're not going to ask that.

"A lot like my cat, actually," Hannah adds, which brings a spike of coincidental surprise out of you.

You fix your glasses on the bridge of your nose. "W-Why are you telling me this anyway?"

"Um, I mean." Hannah leans against the palm of her hand. "Barbara's done this before, to me, when we first met... I swear, nobody expected us to be best-friends after the hell and war we put each other through." To your inquisitive brow, Hannah waves her hand. It doesn't stop you from wondering how in the world there was a time when these two girls bickered—never mind had a rivalry, which you assume from Hannah's undertone. "Anyway, um," Hannah mumbles, "yeah. We weren't friends for a few years after her family bought the manor down the way. They're... They're not nobles in the sense I am. Her family is a line of witches like us, but they were middle-class until her father started their family business."

You rest against your arms. "So she was jealous...?" you murmur.

Hannah shakes her head, then says, "I don't think so. I think she was intimidated. Especially after seeing all the relics my family has—which, you know, goes back to before the Golden Age." She pauses. "Anyway, yeah. So I get it. She's not the easiest person...which I guess says a lot coming from me. There's never a warning when she flips out. And you don't know what she's going to say or do. S-So yeah…Trust me when I say Barbs' is just, I dunno. She doesn't mean it, most of the time. She always apologizes afterwards, and I can tell she means it. Everything is just so fucking intense with her—" Hannah stops herself, and you believe with everything in you that she'd just articulated something into clarity. She shakes her head and coughs, "P-Point is, I get it. I don't understand her all the time. It's like she feels everything on a completely different level… B-But I know enough to know that she's confused about what to do with you."

"I-I don't bite," is murmured, almost like an apology.

"W-Well yeah, I know you don't. I think…" Hannah frowns in thought. "I think she just doesn't know how she fits with you." Another shrug, and then she says, "Like I said, she did the same thing to me except…obviously just as friends and stuff."

You sigh and deflate into the table all the way. "…I can't even get close enough to apologize to her. I didn't mean to push her off in the way I did."

Hannah nods. "I think I can help with that." You lift your head, intrigued. "I know she's difficult," Hannah says, "and you wouldn't really expect it from her. But…yeah, I can help. I am her best-friend and all."

"Okay… Thank-you, Hannah."

"Of course," she hums. "So, uh, …how do you want me to, exactly?"

"Well…" Many of your reading spots come to mind, though one sticks out in particular. "Okay, well…I think I have an idea."

[= = =]

You don't answer their questions all breakfast. You're too busy hoping that Hannah's going to be able to convince Barbara to meet with her—and by her, that really means you. Which is intimidating, considering you're relying on the lioness of your group.

Akko and Sucy do try their best, albeit in their own ways. Akko with offering her food first, then her conversations. All of her trickster antics wiped clean. Then there's Sucy, who's more silent and watchful than anything. An occasional question, though she let's Akko take the lead.

The green team, too, though from the way Amanda watches you in blatant pity, you assume Hannah told her. How much of it, you don't know. Maybe it was just enough, or perhaps she relayed all of what you said. Either is equally likely. Jasminka and Constanze are left to pick at straws, trying to read Amanda as best they could. Jasminka, of course, tries to feed you as well, and Constanze…nods as a way to console.

With Hannah left with Barbara, Diana reeled in Akko's list of questions and gave a look of sympathy. You can only wonder how much she already knows about Barbara. Either through Hannah, or from witnessing things from behind closed doors. Both are probably true.

Regardless, you nibble on some of the bountiful of food you're offered, allowing your nerves to take responsibility of the rest of your wondering anxiety. You mostly hope that it doesn't rain, assuming that everything else doesn't fall to shambles in the end.

[= = =]

There isn't much for me to feel. I'm numbed and hollow. My normal. There's a strange, deafening clarity to everything like there always is. Whenever the storm inside my head wreaks its havoc, it just leaves me to pick up the pieces. And for those friends I lost to turn their backs. Each and every class I carry my favorite volume of Nightfall—195—, and so far I've managed six paper-cuts from rubbing the edge of the pages. It's the only thing that can ease any incoming swell of emotions, especially when I-I see… W-When I see Lotte.

I can't even open it.

I just rub, and that's the limit I can do.

Hannah, of course, has noticed. Diana too, though she knows Hannah's the only one who knows how to talk to me. So, during lecture, Diana handles the notes, and Hannah just sits beside me while the window bathes my other half.

"U-Um… Hey."

It's second period, and those are her first words to me this morning. I just watch her with a knotted throat. Hannah frowns, thinking through her next few words, and murmurs, "You… I-I've never seen you get that bad before."

"I-I know," I croak. Those are the first of mine this morning.

"A-And I figured out what happened…"

"Good. I don't w-want to talk about it," I snap.

She pauses and nods, though her concern still remains. "Well, um… So, y-you know those stone bricks and things out in the fields? The ones where, um, Akko learned how to land her broom?" I nod slowly. "So, I— You know Amanda's been, um, bugging me about going to town today for that skateboard in the shop… But uh, afterwards, d-do you want to meet there?"

I frown, though again I nod. It's not like I'm going to ask why she's not inviting me to join. Amanda never cares. Unlike Akko, she never kicks me out of the room. But…then again, I don't know how much of that is her knowing what Hannah knows—which is just about everything except what I can't tell her for the life of me.

"S-So…that is good, right?"

"Yes, I got it, Han," I murmur.

"Okay." Hannah hesitates, glances towards Finnelan's podium, then says, "And, uh, y-you know we're good, right? I-I know how you get after you apologize, a-and you did last night, but yeah, we're fine."

"I know…"

Hannah nods and thins her lips. "Okay." She watches me as I dig the palm into my eye before I lay against the desk. She scratches my back with a soft hand, and I only close my eyes.

I'm so tired. My body is too big, and everything is numb, and all I want to do is rest. I'm completely and utterly drained. Even through my light sleep, I still feel the book though, and the seventh paper-cut that slits my thumb.

[= = =]

Just breathe, and you'll be fine. It's all you can tell yourself. Just breathe, and breathe, and maybe not have a heart attack like Professor Ursula does whenever Finnelan so much looks her way. Maybe you should calm your blush too, since the heat of your skin is too much of a distraction. That, and you should probably fix your socks again so you don't trip. Oh right, and tie your sash properly so it doesn't just fling itself off.

With all of that taken care of, you notice that you've been standing by the Jennifer Statue for, oh, thirty minutes. After a particularly difficult swallow, you fix your glasses and begin your journey to the stone bricks out in the fields, which is where Hannah said Barbara agreed to go. For you. Because you had to find some way in getting Barbara in one place. She really is like a stray cat, isn't she? Or rather a sly fox, and you're still the hen getting far too close to her. But you do want to, really. It's just...

Oh, Barbara is waiting with a Nightfall book.

You break out of your brief hesitance and make your way to her, hands wringing themselves together. After your last few steps, Barbara turns to look over her shoulder. First there's a bout of shock, then irritation, and then the final defeated breath. "I thought Hannah was up to something…" she murmurs quietly.

"Y-Yeah… I asked her to."

"And why's that then?" Barbara growls, slamming her book shut.

You walk around some of the stone, then tentatively sit beside her. "Well, because I wanted to talk…and say sorry. I-I really didn't mean to shove you off like that."

Barbara still avoids your eyes. "…okay. It's fine, I get it."

"A-And I just wanted to say, I… I don't really know if—"

"You can just say you hate me, you know," Barbara snaps, though it's not laced with its usual bite. Instead, you hear cracks of insecurity.

You sigh and shake your head. "I don't hate you. That's not what I'm trying to say."

"Then what?" Barbara turns to face you, and already you can see a film of tears layer her eyes. "You don't know if you do or not?!"

"Barbara, I—"

"You don't have to lie to me!"

"Barbara, please shut up." You both pause. It wasn't an outburst, per-se, though it certainly lingers as a shock nonetheless. You then murmur, "Let me finish."

"O-Okay…"

"Okay…" You swallow and fix your glasses. "I-I was just saying, I don't really know if I can do anything like that right now. Like…get really intimate right off the bat and stuff. I do like you, I just got startled…" And you add, with a scratch around the back of your neck, "A-And I'm not really good at that stuff anyway, so you know… I just…yeah, got startled."

Barbara's knees are to her chest, book trapped in between with her arms wrapped around herself. She takes a moment to murmur, "…I-I'm sorry. I'm not going to do it again."

"Well…I mean…" You mirror her, though your eyes watch Barbara carefully. "I did, um, like it. The first couple…" Barbara tilts her gaze to you, still a touch teary-eyed. "It was nice…I just— I got overwhelmed, so that's not— It's not entirely your fault. You just…"

"Went too far?"

"Y-Yeah…"

She breathes sourly and turns away again. Gently, you scoot closer to her, just enough to soften her eyes. Barbara doesn't move herself, though you feel a wall of hers crumble down. A layer of her serrated, bristled shell. "That's not the first time someone's said that… I've always done something, even when I didn't mean to."

You rest against your arm. You can only think what Hannah said: "Everything is so fucking intense with her… I don't understand her all the time…"

"What do you mean?" you ask quietly.

"It's like she feels things on a completely different level…"

Barbara shrugs, and she sniffs before wiping her eyes. "I don't know," she mumbles. "I just… I feel numb all the time, a-and confused. I just want to feel important, b-but whenever I feel anything, it's just— I can't control myself. I-It— Everything just becomes so loud and I…" Her face turns an angry red when her green eyes find yours, and Barbara steers them away once again. "I-I don't know. I just can't control it, so I-I just…"

"…lash out?" you murmur, and she nods into herself. You shift closer to her, and still, she doesn't move away. There's something so comforting about it, knowing that you're not afraid of her, even if you are the quiet girl that other girls in cliques like hers would tear apart. A hen, and then a fox. "I-I think I get it…even if it's just a little bit," you say gently. "Everybody can feel like they're backed into a corner sometimes. Like when I pushed you away like that…" Barbara's green eyes slowly trail to yours, yet another wall chipped away. "And, um… I ended up pushing you into your own corner, right?"

Barbara shrugs and glances at the grass at her feet. "I don't know, Lotte. I think there's something wrong with me," she whispers. "I feel like I'm always in a corner, and then something happens and everything just…snaps. I-I… I really didn't mean any of it."

"I know you didn't."

"No. I-I mean the stuff after too. Like, after."

"I know," you assure. "I-I get it, Barbara. I don't think you're bad or anything. I-I still like you because I think you're still a good person."

She watches you with wide eyes. "Really…?" Barbara breathes, her voice fragmented.

You nod, and after a long moment, your face warms before you press a swift kiss on her cheek. As you hide your blush, Barbara is left dumbfounded with the Nightfall book in her hand. She curls into herself, almost sheepish, and you can't help but breathe a smile. "I… Y-Yeah," you say. "I do. I just think…maybe we should take it slow…? Like, one step at a time?"

"Okay…"

Barbara hesitates before she closes the gap between you with a little shuffle. Her head then rests against your shoulder, the book still tight in her hands. You let a few moments of silence slink past before asking, "So what chapter were you reading?"

"O-Oh, I—" You feel her coil, and you feel the first, warm tear melt into your vest. "I-I haven't been able to open it all day."

You rest your head against hers, and you whisper, "Do you want me to read your favorite chapter?"

"P-Please."

---

First time doing this ship, so I think I did something. Maybe.

Hope you enjoyed!

:)