YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE…
Modern AU: Hiccup and Astrid are trying to impress Astrid's parents and her fierce Uncle Finn. Naturally, a dinner party is the answer…or is it?
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A/N: A CHALLENGE FROM VALA411! Inspired about a discussion about chocolate fondants (don't ask) and threats against the porg, I agreed to write a story about a less than perfect dinner party. Remember-you only get one chance to make a first impression…so don't let the twins anywhere near it!
Disclaimer: I don't own How To Train Your Dragon. All right remain with Cressida Cowell and Dreamworks.
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It was honestly the most nervous that Hiccup Haddock had ever been. And that included participating in the legendarily dangerous Trans-Berk run (for a bet with his cousin) and asking Astrid Hofferson if she would go out with him. Admittedly the run had left him falling off a cliff, eventually emerging from that dratted cove lightly covered with mud and brambles and with a concussion that ultimately had him running naked around St Hilde's cemetery singing 'Agadoo' but that was just minor details. Maybe an after-dinner story or a perennial cause for his cousin, best friend and the twins to tease him but knowing them as he did, he was certain one day, he would not have done the most embarrassing thing in their group and one of them would be in for the lifetime of teasing. But asking Astrid out…oh, that have been far worse and he had thought she would have axed his head off because honestly he was in no way worthy of her. But she had kissed him and said 'yes' and confessed that she had been hoping he would ask her because she couldn't tell if he was in love with her or not and fearless Astrid Hofferson had been afraid to ruin their friendship to ask.
Astrid was blonde, beautiful, fierce, accomplished and it seemed like every guy in the school was after her. Smart, athletic and organised, she was the go-to person the teachers asked to organise and lead anything and she never failed to succeed. It was incredibly intimidating to a mere nobody like Hiccup, though it seemed like an irresistible aphrodisiac to all the would-be alpha males in Berk High. But-astonishingly-she had rejected everyone and Hiccup-an auburn fishbone with bright green eyes, a few freckles and one leg- had watched her from afar, observing her exasperation at the unbridled flirting that he could see was demeaning and intrusive to such an independent young woman.
As their names were adjacent in the register and they did the same classes, they were paired up more often than not and he found himself falling in love with her despite his every effort not to. The fact was that she was a different person with him than with everyone else, her bold and efficient facade pushed aside to reveal the real girl underneath. She saw frustrated Astrid, exasperated Astrid, despairing Astrid and upset Astrid when pursuing jocks seemed to think she had no night to privacy. He heard about her family and her pet macaw, Stormfly, about her beloved Uncle Fien-the War Hero-and her hopes and dreams. And as her friend-because that was what he became-Hiccup had helped her, hid her, offered her a place to come over and breathe in his basement project room. She texted him daily and though she was often busy with her other duties at school, she never ghosted him or made him feel anything other than a friend. And it had been so hard precisely because she was his friend and in the end, he had held off until just before Prom before asking her out because if he ruined their friendship, there were only a few weeks to be miserable. But instead, she had said yes-and five years later, they were still together. In fact, they had just bought their first apartment together in a converted old house overlooking the harbour with a little garden where Hiccup's extremely sassy little black cat Toothless could prowl to his heart's content. Astrid was working in as physical therapist and Hiccup was a junior engineer in the offices of Belcher and Co, the finest engineering consultancy in the Archipelago but they could afford their first home and now, they were hosting a Dinner Party.
But not any Dinner Party. Oh no-they were hosting Astrid's ridiculously overprotective and estranged parents and her famous and fearsome Uncle Finn, back from his latest Tour with the United Archipelago Army. Astrid's parents had never really been overjoyed that their precious only child had chosen a skinny one-legged nerd instead of an athlete with good prospects for College Football and a career. There had been a blazing row shortly after graduation about her choice of boyfriend and Astrid had stormed out and gone to stay with Hiccup and his widowed father that evening and throughout her College career. It was only now, five years later, that there had been a tentative defrosting of relations and this was the first time that she had seen her parents in that time. This was a huge event for both of them.
They had repainted the apartment when they moved in and carpeted the two bedrooms. There was a huge cream and green Persian rug covering most of the polished oak living room floor and the kitchen-dining area was neat and homely. Astrid reached over and lit the candles on the table.
"How does it look?" she asked him, her big blue eyes worried. Dressed in a navy blue shift dress that flattered her slender athletic figure and wearing a white apron with a black skull and crossbones on, she looked stunning but Hiccup hated seeing her so uncertain. He knew that she had missed her parents fiercely-though she had maintained contact with Finn when she could-and it had been his intervention that had enabled the reconciliation. The fact this was the first time that Hiccup would be meeting the legendary Finn Hofferson at all wasn't at all making him as nervous as his wife-no, not at all…
"It looks perfect," he said, sliding his arms around her waist and giving her a small kiss. "Just like you."
"You sap," she murmured, a small smile curling her lips. She kissed him lightly. "Now let me go. That chicken isn't going to cook itself and you're much better at the main course than me." He nodded, nuzzled against her golden hair and then pulled away. The years had darkened his auburn hair a little and his jaw had sharpened but he was still a fishbone with a prosthetic lower left leg and a tendency to babble a little when he was nervous. It was true, though, that Astrid wasn't a good cook-the apron was a joke gift from their friends the previous Snoggletog but was closer to the truth than was comfortable-and Hiccup did most of the cooking. However, her best friend Heather DeRange had taught Astrid how to make Chocolate Fondants to impress their guests and she was determined to make a good job of it, no matter what else happened.
"I'll just put it in the oven and then we're ready," he assured her. The vegetables were ready, the potatoes ready to go in with the roast, the gravy would take a few moments to whip up with some cornflour, meat juices and vegetable water and a little butter just before serving and the chilled starters-traditional smoked salmon and dill pate and rye bread-were in the fridge already. Only Astrid's dessert was left to make and that had to be at the last minute. Wine and champagne were chilling in the fridge as well and everything was laid out in the little pantry that had captured both their hearts and sealed the deal for this apartment. So Hiccup went in to retrieve the chicken from the large fridge that was sited at the back of the pantry, mentally checking items off the list to be done.
"Those starters look awesome," a familiar voice announced. Hiccup yelped, hit the back his head on a shelf and almost fell over.
"Tuffnut!" he snapped, calming his breathing. "What the Thor are you doing here?" The man appeared from behind the fridge, rising from his makeshift beanbag-which was in fact the sack of potatoes Astrid had bought from the local farm-and grinned. Tommy 'Tuffnut' Thorston was lean and lanky with long blond dreadlocks, grey-blue eyes and a long mobile face. He was also wild, completely prone to mischief and lacked any repost for personal space. Draping an arm around Hiccup's tense shoulders, he grinned.
"I came to lend you and little Asti a hand," he said as if it was obvious. "We know you're both really wound up around this dinner and we all want you to succeed…" Hiccup frowned and shook the other man off.
"All?" he asked worriedly.
"Yes-Ruff is in the garden with Snotty and Fishlegs and Heather are in a car round the corner, ready to come at a moment's notice if you have any problems…" he explained. Hiccup blinked. Tuff's twin sister Raquel 'Ruffnut' and his cousin Simon 'Snotlout' Jorgensen were right at the top of the list of the last people on Midgard that he would want around an important dinner like this-tied with Tuffnut, of course.
"Maybe you want to go and join them?" he suggested, grabbing the chicken from the fridge and turning to the door. "Astrid has a meat cleaver. And a skewer. And a carving fork. Lots and lots of pointy objects. And she's very nervous meaning her temper is even shorter…" The male twin paled.
"I may go to fill them in on progress so far…but fear not, little Hiccy-we will make sure that everything runs smoothly…" he promised and then slid past the auburn-haired man and let himself out into the garden. Frowning, Hiccup took the chicken to the roasting tin, carefully seasoned it and prepared it for cooking. Astrid looked up.
"You look as if that chicken has personally offended you," she commented dryly as he managed a wan smile.
"I met Tuffnut in the pantry," he explained and saw her face darken.
"Oh Thor," she muttered. "All we need." She glanced worriedly over her shoulder. "He's not hiding under the sofa, is he?"
"He's out in the garden with Ruff and Snot," Hiccup sighed, putting the chicken in the oven and setting the timer. Astrid frowned.
"Why?" she asked.
"They think we need help," he commented. She sagged.
"We do," she admitted. "But though they mean well, they don't always do well." Hiccup wash his hands and kissed her.
"At least they're our friends and have stood by us through everything," he reminded her as Toothless walked past. He was a small cat, jet black and fluffy with a shortened bottle tail and bright green eyes. Fixing Hiccup with a stare, he gave a little meow. "And someone wants his lunch." Smiling, he swiftly doled out a tin of premium cat food. Toothless gave him an offended look and took up station sitting one foot from the oven. Astrid burst out laughing.
"No-someone wants the chicken," she corrected him as the doorbell rang.
"I hope that's not Tuffnut," Hiccup growled but Astrid took off her apron and ran her hands through her long golden hair.
"No, it's worse. My parents have arrived," she said and marched off to the front door.
It was awkward when she opened the door, her parents standing frozen on the doorstep and staring at the daughter they hadn't seen for five years. Astrid's mother, Ingvild, gave a little sob, her blue eyes filled with relief while her husband, Alexander, gave a frown.
"Aren't you going to invite us in?" he asked her brusquely, his face neutral. He had strawberry blond hair and a large beard, his blue eyes stern and he had made no move to greet her or say hello. Silently, Astrid stepped back and allowed them in, taking a deep breath. Ingvild was looking emotional already, her greying golden hair swept up into a braided bun.
"Welcome," Astrid said evenly. Then Ingvild surged forward and flung herself upon her daughter, hugging her and sobbing in relief. Relaxing, Astrid hugged her back, a small smile on her lips. "Mom," she murmured. "Missed you."
"My baby-look at you," Ingvild said tearfully. "All grown up, owning your own home, working…" Astrid chewed her lip, not wanting to remind them that it was their decision not to accept her choice of partner, their decision to say the fateful words and give her an ultimatum. And their decision not to reach out to the daughter they drove away despite the couple offering Astrid's parents an olive branch every year. Then the final figure entered, taller even that Astrid's father and broad and impressive. Colonel Finn Hofferson grinned at his niece and threw a hug around her. He was very blonde with a huge beard and piercing blue eyes, dressed in his dark green uniform and looking incredibly smart.
"You're a beautiful young woman," he murmured and winked at her. "Now where is that young man who stole your heart?" She pulled back and stared at her father but he just looked flatly at her. She sighed and slipped her arm through Finn's.
"Hiccup is just getting drinks," she said and steered them towards the living room, the fire dancing in the grate, candles on the marble mantlepiece and a bowl of assorted nuts sitting on the polished coffee table.
"Hiccup? He's really called that?" Finn checked. "I assumed it was a nickname." Astrid chuckled, shaking her head.
"His Dad was very traditional and insisted on a proper Viking name," she explained.
"To scare away the gnomes and trolls," a voice said in a very passable imitation of Stoick Haddock's thick Berkian accent. Finn looked up and grinned.
"Aye-that's traditional thinking," he agreed and stuck out his hand. "Finn Hofferson." Hiccup laid the tray of glasses on the table and grasped the hand, shaking it firmly.
"Hiccup Haddock," he replied with a smile. "Good to meet you at last, sir." Then he turned to Astrid parents and offered them his hand. "Hiccup Haddock."
There was a pause and then Ingvild moved forward and gave him a small, self-conscious hug.
"I know, dear," she said, sighing. The she stepped back and looked pointedly at her husband. Alexander frowned and stared at him.
"Hmph," he said and ignored the proffered hand.
"Awkward," a voice said from behind the sofa. Every head snapped round and Hiccup scowled and marched round, grabbing Tuffnut by the scruff of the neck and dragging him out, almost throwing him through the back door.
"Out!" he snapped. Tuffnut whined in disappointment.
"Aw-c'mon…" he protested. "That was just getting really interesting. The family dynamics, the drama, the angst…" Hiccup slammed the door in his face and turned the key.
"The interfering friends with no boundaries," he grumbled.
"I hope that isn't a common occurrence," Alexander commented snidely. "We hadn't expected to be interrupted in our visit…"
"Why?" Astrid asked him directly. "You are a guest here. You don't set the terms for any social gathering. It would have been entirely appropriate to ask Hiccup's father as well-and that would have been our choice, not yours." There was a stony silence.
"And what does your father do, dear?" Ingvild asked brightly. Hiccup looked at them.
"He's the mayor, of course," he said.
There was a pause and everyone stared at him, three jaws dropping. Finn recovered quickest.
"Haddock as in Mayor Stoick Haddock?" he checked. Smiling, Hiccup nodded.
"We're the only Haddocks in Berk," he reminded them.
"But I heard he lost his wife in a car smash years ago!" Alexander commented thoughtlessly. Astrid grimaced and determinedly grasped his hand. Hiccup's face grew expressionless.
"Yes, my mother died when a truck ran a red light and T-boned us when I was fourteen," he said tonelessly. "I ended up in a coma and lost the bottom half of my left leg. Dad spoke to the media and they respected his and my right to privacy so they put nothing in the papers about my injuries or recovery at all. In fact, most people forgot about his son entirely-which we were both happy about. He didn't want me bothered while I was struggling with my losses and I got the privacy to grow up under the radar."
"Oh, I am so sorry," Ingvild said, stumbling to fill the silence as Alexander stared in shock at the tall, lean young man. "That must have been hard for you." Hiccup nodded in acquiescence.
"I was lucky-I had good friends and what family I have were always supportive," he told them honestly. "I never hid who I was or my disability and people either accepted me for who I am or they didn't." Then he smiled. "Wine?" he asked.
Once everyone was served with drinks-Alexander refused anything but bottled water-they all sat down and began to chat. Finn was expansive, amusing them all with tales of his career and the weird and wonderful happenings in his unit while Astrid was able to jump in with some amusing tales about her patients. Hiccup remained at her side, her hand determinedly twined around his. He was keeping half an ear out for the timer and itched to check on the cooking but knew he needed to support Astrid. Her father was glaring at them both and her mother seemed to be torn between looking at them and crying or trying to make amends for cutting them off. It was a huge relief when the timer sounded and he had to excuse himself to check on the meat.
Tuffnut and Ruffnut were both peering through the window in the oven door, obviously salivating.
"That is one fine bird," Ruff noted. She was the mirror of her brother, though her long blonde hair was in three fat plaits. Both were incongruously wearing combat fatigues and red aprons. "Looks like we need to baste it again…"
"Again?" Hiccup hissed. "What the…" And then he paused. "And how did you get back in?"
"I took the spare key when I was here last week to make sure we can help you," Tuff explained as he fished the bird out and expertly basted the chicken, under the watchful eye of Toothless, who hadn't moved an inch. "Moy bueno, mi amigo," he said with a grin and replaced it in the oven. Hiccup cast around and saw they had washed up and there was a device he didn't recognise in the corner. It was humming.
"I'm not even going to say what I feel about that and…what the Thor is that?" he demanded. Ruff grinned-never a reassuring expression.
"An ice cream maker," she explained. "We brought it over. It's churning vanilla and raspberry ice cream to go with Asti's pudding."
"Does she know?" Hiccup hissed. They both shook their heads.
"It'll be a nice surprise," Ruff commented.
"And may be the only edible thing available for dessert if she messes up the fondant," Tuff added, a little unkindly. Hiccup pinned him against the cupboard.
"Do not say that in her hearing," he warned the male twin irritably. "You know how much that upsets her. She knows she just has a bind spot for cooking but she's trying so hard…"
"Yaknog!" the twins coughed in unison. Hiccup glared at them.
"Go sit in the pantry," he growled. "It's time for starters anyway and I can't have you standing in the kitchen while we're eating. You're not supposed to be here but I won't chuck you out into the cold because you are trying to help."
"What about Snotty?" Ruff asked, thinking of her boyfriend. Hiccup shook his head.
"Look, I know why you brought him but he is of no help and he will just whine and cause trouble," he said firmly then peered through the window. "Besides, he's already lit the barbecue and seems to have found sausages, bread and beer. He'll be fine!"
"Where did he get those?" Ruff frowned. "Unless…" And then she grimaced. "He's been in your shed and into the freezer…" Hiccup groaned.
"Sometimes, I wonder why I call any of your friends," he muttered, massaging his forehead. The twins bristled and grabbed a bottle of soda and beef sandwiches which they had made themselves and huffed off to the pantry. Wearily, Hiccup followed and retrieved the starters, before inviting the guests through to start the meal.
The table was magnificent, with crisp white tablecloth and a sage green runner. Their white and green 'regency' dinner service was laid out and candles reflected in the polished glass. Everyone settled with Alexander insisting on sitting at the head of the table, scowling at Hiccup who was sitting at the other end-closest to the kitchen. The couple served them their appetisers and Hiccup bowed his head, arresting everyone's reach for their cutlery as he said the blessing.
"We thank Odin for this opportunity to be together today, a day that Astrid feared would never happen. May we have good food, good cheer and good times." Nothing controversial, just simple honest wishes for a successful dinner. Astrid blinked and flashed him a big smile. And then they tucked in. The homemade pate was a hit with Ingvild and Finn, both of whom complimented Hiccup on his skills. Alexander was silent, eating with a long-suffering look on his face and only pausing to drink his bottled water.
By the time they had finished and cleared the table, the chicken was ready and Hiccup put it on the side to rest as he turned his attentions to the gravy. Astrid warmed the vegetables through ad put them in the various bowls they had, adding the stuffing and potatoes and cheese sauce to the condiments on the table. And then Hiccup carved and brought through the platter of steaming meat, gleaming with juices and making everyone's mouth water. And he was tailed by a very determined Toothless, who claimed the one unoccupied chair at the table, by Finn. The Colonel gave a grin.
"I see we have another guest for dinner," he grinned. Hiccup gave a small smile.
"I am sorry," he mumbled. "I've had him since he was a kitten and he thinks he's part of the family." He sighed. "He was abandoned and a dog was trying to attack him. I got in there and rescued him-but got badly mauled in the process." He rolled up his sleeve to show scars on his right arm. "And he lost part of his tail. But the dog would have ripped him apart and what are a few scars against a life? He's a good and loyal companion and if he's a bit cheeky about chicken or fish, then that's a price I'm happy to pay for having him here." Then he pointedly fished out a couple of slices of chicken, put them on his side plate and put it on the seat next to the little cat. Giving a little chirrup of approval, Toothless set to eating his dinner as the others served themselves.
"Unhygienic," Alexander muttered contemptuously. Sighing inwardly, Hiccup watched him throughout the meal and felt like he was fighting a losing battle. The man's expression looked like he was sucking a lime even when everyone else was tucking into the succulent meal. Of course, Alexander cleared his plate but he also spent most of the time comparing the food unfavourably to their own and his mother's chicken lunch-which was apparently 'the finest ever in Berk'. Nothing met his standards-not the succulent and tasty chicken, the rich gravy, the fluffy and crispy roast potatoes or even the cauliflower cheese which the couple made because it was a particular favourite of Astrid's father. He stubbornly refused any wine and scowled the entire time.
"Don't mind my brother," Finn murmured when Alexander had excused himself to go to the bathroom. "He's got a stick so far up his ass you can see it when he opens his mouth." Hiccup blinked.
"I know he doesn't approve of me…" he began but Finn shook his head.
"Hiccup-it's not that because ultimately, his approval is irrelevant," he said firmly, eyeing his sister-in-law pointedly. "Astrid has chosen-and chosen well, I'd say. Alexander wanted a jock because that was what he had been but Astrid chose far more discerningly and found a man who is smart, kind, protective, generous and has done everything to make her family welcome. Astrid has told me all about you, how you supported her when her own family tried the shitty move of cutting her off when she chose her boyfriend. And look at her now-a beautiful, accomplished, hard-working professional who I have never seen happier." The young woman blushed and fiddled with her napkin.
"I've missed you, Uncle Finn," she confessed. He winked.
"Well…" he began as his brother returned to the table. "I have some good news. Barring a declaration of world war, that was my last overseas deployment. I'm to be stationed at the Berk Barracks for the remainder of my career so hopefully, you will be seeing a lot more of me!" Astrid grinned and whooped and Ingvild gave a broad grin. Even Alexander managed to squeeze out a small smile.
"A definite cause for celebration," Hiccup noted cheerfully and began to clear up the table, resting a hand lightly on Astrid's shoulder. "Take your time. They've come to see you." Then he continued clearing up, beginning to wash the plates and storing any excess food away. Toothless followed him around hopefully and earned another couple of pieces of chicken for his troubles before he planted himself directly in the middle of the doorway to the living room and began to pointedly clean his ass. Astrid and her mother stared and then both burst out laughing.
"I'm afraid he has cattitude in spades," Astrid noted with a snigger. "But he's a lovely cat. Even if he thinks he may be an actual panther or tiger." Then she drained her glass of wine. "Time for my part." She rose and retrieved her apron. "I'm on dessert duty."
Hiccup smiled and retrieved her chilled mixture from the fridge. Alexander looked at her approvingly.
"Glad you're at least doing your part," he commented. "I was worried you had gotten involved with a doormat."
There was a slam as the bowl hit the work surface and Astrid turned to glare at her father.
"What did you say?" she demanded, her face filled with anger.
"Well, he seems very compliant," Alexander said dismissively. "I can see who wears the trousers and I can tell you that doesn't make for a great relationship…" There was a sharp intake of breath and Hiccup lunged forward to grab Astrid, who looked about to disembowel her father with a whisk.
"Believe me, sir, I am anything but compliant," Hiccup growled, while wrestling his partner back to the bowl of gooey and quite cold chocolate fondant mixture. "However, do not mistake being a good host with being unwilling to stand up for myself and those I care for. And I believe my father would be willing to put you right. I am, I believe, 'the most stubborn son of a viking to walk these lands for a thousand years'!" Astrid shook herself free and snatched the silicon moulds from the cupboard, angrily filling them and shoving them into the oven. Hiccup handed her the timer and she set it. Then she glared.
"I think you owe Hiccup an apology," she snapped. "He's been polite while you've been nothing but rude. Why did you come if all you want to do is cause dissent?" Her father glared at her.
"To see if you would see sense," he said as if it was obvious. "He's not good enough for you, Astrid."
"Now just a minute!" Tuff erupted from the little passage to the pantry, his face twisted in an unfamiliar expression of anger. "You dare to insult our little Hiccy here? Admittedly he's got weird hair, funny teeth, a neck like a twig and only one leg but he's smart and loyal. He did the Trans-Berk run to raise money for Leukaemia Research for our cousin Puffnut, who was in hospital for a year with it. He ended up with a concussion and a caution for public nudity while Puffnut is fit and well. He bailed my sister and I out numerous times for various hilarious pranks that people just seem to have no sense of humour about…"
"No sense of humour at all," Ruffnut added, standing at his side with her arms folded aggressively across her chest.
"Do they actually live here?" Finn asked, sipping his wine. Astrid shook her head.
"We just can't get rid of them!" she sighed. "They're persistent. And loyal. And hilarious. They just lack discretion, timing, awareness of personal space…"
"And he rescued his cousin Snotlout when he went camping and got lost in Raven Point…then he got Fishlegs and Heather together…"
"What kind of name is Fishlegs?" Alexander sneered.
"Freddie Ingerman, Hiccup's best friend-and you remember Heather, Mom?" Astrid interrupted, scowling.
"Yes, I do, dear. How is she?"
"Engaged to Fishlegs. They're getting married in a month in the Great Hall…"
The timer dinged and Astrid sighed.
"And now the moment of truth," she said and turned to the oven. The twins saw the moulds come out and paled.
"You didn't use those did you?" Ruff asked in a very cautious voice. Astrid looked up.
"Of course," she snapped as the twins shared a worried look.
"But those are the humorous ones we gave you for Snoggletog with the apron," Tuffnut pointed out, stepping back a pace. "Um…they may be the wrong shape for the fondants to come out well."
"Yeah…too narrow," Ruff commented, rolling her eyes. "No gooey centre in those…" Irritated, she turned to the plates neatly lined up by Hiccup and slammed the first mould on the plate. She moved it away and saw-to her horror-a dry and overcooked chocolate cake, shaped exactly like a…
"Willy," Tuff commented. "Wow-they are detailed." Astrid stared, wordless, then slowly turned to the other moulds. She picked up the next one and slammed it down.
"Chocolate cake penises," she said in a daze. "I've made chocolate cake penises for my parents."
"And your uncle," Ruff added unhelpfully.
"Gobber would probably fall off his chair laughing," Tuffnut commented as Hiccup came over from where he had just placed a bottle of champagne and five flutes on the table and froze. Astrid unmoulded the others and then lifted one up, experimentally tapping it on the plate.
"Hard as a rock," she said in a depressed voice at the chinking sound. "Ruff was right. The moulds were too narrow and the cake has completely dried out…" Then she got a manic look in her eyes and grabbed a chopping board and her Chinese meat cleaver. "I know. I can cut them into squares and we can serve them with the ice cream…" Determinedly, she lifted the cleaver and chopped the first chocolate cake penis in half. Unable to help themselves, Hiccup and Tuffnut both clutched at their assets in sympathy. Toothless popped up onto the counter, grabbed a cake and jumped off.
"I wonder where he's going?" Tuffnut muttered.
"No idea-he's been neutered anyway," Astrid commented, continuing her chocolate cake demolition. They were rather hard and she needed to use quite a lot of force to chop them up. Crumbs exploded everywhere. "Hiccup-can you get the ice cream please?" Giving his cleaver-wielding girlfriend a wide berth, Hiccup edged round to the ice cram machine and switched it off, pulling out a container of perfectly churned and chilled vanilla and raspberry ice cream. Astrid was carefully arranging the chopped up segments of the cakes, trying to disguise their original form as they heard a discussion going on at the table.
"No-I'm the elder and head of the family so I'll open it," Alexander insisted, grabbing the champagne and fiddling with the wire. "Hmph. An inferior vintage and French. Why he couldn't be bothered to…"
He got no further as the cork escaped his grasp and exploded across the room, hitting Hiccup full in the face. He went down like an unstring puppet, the container of ice cream rolling across the floor. Tuff picked it up and stuck a finger in.
"Very good, if I do say so myself," he commented before his sister slapped him upside the head and slammed the container beside the plates. Astrid was on her knees by her boyfriend the cleaver still in her hand as she leaned over the stunned Hiccup.
"Ow…" he whined.
"Oh my Thor-Hiccup-are you alright?" she asked as his eyes widened.
"Please don't axe me," he whimpered. She frowned then rested the cleaver down.
"Babe-how many fingers am I holding up?" she asked, holding up two fingers.
"Green?" he mumbled. She sighed and helped him back to his chair.
"You sit there, babe and I'll deal with this," she said firmly, glaring as the twins neatly served quenelles of the ice cream into ramekins and placed them on the plates, then dusted with icing sugar and garnished with a couple of mint leaves. Rolling their eyes the pair served up and then huffed off.
"We'll just sit in the pantry," Tuff grumbled. The he glared at Alexander. "But I'm watching you…"
"Oh, this is nice, dear," Ingvild said cheerfully. "And you made it yourself?" Astrid nodded.
"It was one of Heather's recipes," she admitted. Ingvild sighed.
"Thank goodness," she said. "You know we don't eat anything shop bought-you know about Daddy's allergy don't you?" Astrid stilled.
"What allergy?" she asked in a faint voice.
"I'm sure you…oh, no it was the year after you…" Ingvild mumbled, eating a little of the ice cream. "Daddy is very allergic to eggs."
"WHAT? And you didn't think to mention it?" Astrid snapped and then looked at her father. "Dad-step away from the dessert…" Alexander swallowed and wiped his mouth.
"What?" he asked, resting down his spoon.
"The cake has egg in it," Astrid sighed as he glared at his plate and then raised a hand to his mouth.
"My lips are tingling and my tongue ish..ughth…" he said, his lips visibly swelling. "Igthil?" Immediately, Astrid watched her mother pat her father's pockets.
"Alex-where's your epipen?"
"Ith ith theh…" he mumbled and gestured. Seeing her mother frantically searching, Astrid rose to her feet.
"TUFFNUT!" she yelled. "Hand it over!" The male twin appeared from the pantry, munching spare chicken which seemed to have been made into a sandwich.
"Why do you always blame me?" he protested.
"Because 999 times out of a thousand, you are the one to blame!" Astrid snarled. "Hand over my father's epipen!" Rolling his eyes, the male twin handed it over. Huffing in annoyance, Astrid turned, tripped over Toothless and the pen went flying.
There was a moment when everyone was watching before Hiccup launched himself, grabbing the epipen and lunging forward, snatching the cover off, deploying the needle and slamming it hard into the now bright red Alexander's thigh then injecting the lot.
"Call 112," he ordered as he pulled out the needle and rested it on the table. Toothless immediately popped up not the table, glared at Alexander, who was still looking packed, and deposited a perfectly penis-shaped cake on his plate. With a flick of his tail, he jumped down, making his opinion clear. Finn stared at the young man, the bruise under his left eye still developing from the impact of the champagne cork. Astrid was on the phone as the back door exploded open and a short stocky man with blue eyes and raven hair ran in.
"HELP!" he called. "HELP!" He ran past them, his pants on fire.
"I see the barbecue didn't do so well," Ruff commented as her boyfriend completed a lap of the table before the twins tackled him to the floor and poured champagne over his pants until the fire was out.
"I'm not even going to ask," Hiccup groaned, feeling his headache coming on. The jolt of adrenaline had jerked him out of the stupor he was in after being hit in the face and to his inexpert eye, Alexander seemed to be breathing a little easier and his lips were a mite less swollen. "Snot-would you mind committing death by self-immolation somewhere else and not during my dinner party?" He looked over to the guests. "Sorry. This is my cousin Simon Jorgensen who came along with these muttonheads to try to ensure that everything went smoothly with this dinner. Of course, it would have gone along 200% more smoothly without them here at all."
"A foul lie," Tuffnut protested as Snotlout tried to get him off him.
"Ingratitude," Ruffnut added.
"Ambulance is on the way," Astrid reported, then crouched by her father. "Dad?" Alexander looked up, the look in his eyes ashamed.
"My fault," he said, his voice still muffled. "Can you get my spare from the car?" Without a word, Ingvild headed out as he looked up into his daughter's eyes.
"You have strange friends and I didn't approve of your choice," he mumbled, then took a sip of water. "But it was your choice. And your boyfriend is a smart and quick-thinking man who is better than I guessed."
"Stoick was always proud of his son," Finn commented as his brother stared at him. "Yes, I knew whose was. Stoick's a good man and I've been round to see him a few times. You were an insensitive ass, Alex. Hiccup seems a good fellow and a match for Asti. If she's happy, then it's none of our business." Then he gave a huge grin. "And I love the puddings. Can I borrow the moulds for a formal Mess Dinner? I want to see General Thorkildson's face when he's served with a penis…" Alexander stared at him.
"You…" he mouthed.
"Look-I've served with those men through hell and high water and they will appreciate a joke as much as the next man," he said firmly. "My brother will be checked out for his allergy, my sister-in-law will fuss over him and I'm having a coffee and this dessert because the cake tastes superb, despite the shape and dryness. And it's better than yaknog."
"You know about that as well?" Ruff asked, surprised while Snot made vomiting noises.
"Please! I was in hospital for four days after being poisoned by that stuff…" the stocky man complained then scrambled to his feet. "Got any leftovers, cuz…?"
"Out!" Hiccup snapped. "You've done quite enough!"
"No gratitude…" Tuffnut grumbled as the trio trooped towards the door. "Hey-we're blocked in. How selfish people are. Bloody ambulance drivers…" Hiccup slumped into his chair as Ingvild led in the paramedics and they started checking over Alexander. Astrid slumped beside him.
"How did this happen?" she sighed.
"Well, we have insane friends who feel the irresistible urge to interfere in our lives no matter the fact that their presence invariably makes things worse," he said wearily.
"You know," Finn said, sipping his champagne and sitting back in his chair, a smile on his face. "You can judge people's worth by the lengths people are willing to go to for them. The short one was barbecuing and freezing out there for the whole meal-I was watching him-but he never made a move to come in until he decided to try sitting on the barbecue to see if it warmed him up. And the others clearly helped with the dessert and wanted to be on hand." He smiled. "And you did save my brother, Hiccup. Notwithstanding I know your father and Gobber and have for years. You're a good man and I like you. And I haven't laughed as much for years."
Astrid gripped Hiccup's hand.
"It was okay?" she asked and Finn chuckled.
"The food was great, the wine good and entertainment unequalled," he chuckled. "Are you busy on Thursday? I know this excellent Viking restaurant and I could book a table so we could go there. Maybe see if Stoick and Gobber want to join us? That way, you don't have to go to all this trouble again and my lovely niece will be much less stressed."
They watched as Alexander was taken to be checked out in the hospital and Ingvild stopped to grab her purse and peck a kiss on Astrid's and Hiccup's cheeks.
"Thanks for a lovely meal," she said quickly. "You seem happy and Hiccup-you seem lovely. I'm so sorry about Alex-he'll get over it in a year or two. He's as stubborn as his daughter."
"Then I'm doomed," Hiccup said with a smile, hugging her. "He won't give up until at least Ragnarok. Even I'm out-stubborned by Astrid." Chuckling at his dry humour, Ingvild smiled and then trotted after her husband. The door slammed after her as three shapes wandered back into the dining room. "And what are you doing here still?"
"We're blocked in by the ambulance," Ruff complained. Snotlout nodded and slumped down onto the couch, earning himself a hiss from Toothless, who was now curled up there.
"But I settled him," Tuff piped up. "The old sugar in the tank prank. That always…" And then he stared at the blank faces looking at him, saw his sister shaking her head and grimaced. "No bueno?" he checked. Everyone shook their head stonily. And then he turned and ran out into the road after the retreating ambulance, waving his arms and yelling 'wait!'.
"I think we need coffee, we can polish off cut up chocolate…cakes…and you can tell me how you know my Dad," Hiccup said exhaustedly. The bruising was still coming up around his left eye and he had a magnificent headache now. Astrid rose and kissed him on the top of his head.
"I can do that," she said. "I promise not to explode the kettle."
"I'll keep you to that…"he murmured, leaning up to kiss her. "You know, they say you only get one chance to make a first impression. Thank Thor that despite that, your parents are remaining in contact and Finn…" He glanced over. "…is playing Twister with Ruffnut. How on Midgard did she even find Twister? We don't even own Twister!"
Then the phone rang. Astrid walked over and answered it, then frowned.
"It's Fishlegs," she said, filling up the kettle and putting it on as she listened. "He's just seen an ambulance race by with Tuffnut hanging onto the back, followed by three police cars. He wonders what he should do?"
Hiccup sighed.
"Tell them to come in and get a cup of coffee with us," he said. "We can go and bail Tuff out later…"
The End.