You Will Always Be More Than That
In her excitement for Robert to come home from war, Cora had not given much thought to the reality of what she would face with her husband. All she pictured from the moment the telegram arrived stating that he would be returning to Downton at last was the return of their happy life together. Robert had only been Earl of Grantham for a short time before he left for the Boer War, and Cora had gone from a young wife and mother in the house of her in-laws to being the lady of a grand house without her husband beside her. All she wanted was to hold Robert in her arms and fall asleep with his warm comfort in her bed, to walk the grounds with him each morning and discuss their daughters and the estate and the parties they would be attending. She had been alone far too long, and she had missed him terribly.
Robert stepped out of the carriage still in his uniform to his wife and mother and daughters to greet him. He greeted Cora first, and she could hardly keep from weeping and throwing her arms around him in relief. But she remained as calm as she could, smiling with unshed tears in her eyes as he clasped her hands and kissed her cheek before going to his mother and then to Mary, Edith, and little Sybil in turn. His things were taken inside by the valet and they all went into the library for tea together. After that, Robert went up to his dressing room to take a nap, exhausted from the long journey.
After being dressed for dinner—a proper celebration for the whole family where Cora had permitted the girls to join them, despite the late hour for them—Cora dismissed her lady's maid and waited for Robert to come through and escort her down to dinner.
She did not need to wait long. He appeared in his finery a moment later, smiling. "I'd forgotten how it felt to be properly dressed. I never thought I'd miss a dinner jacket."
Cora took in his appearance joyfully. He had lost a bit of weight and put on some muscle being off fighting for King and country. "I've missed seeing you in it. I'm so glad to have you back, Robert," she said earnestly.
He crossed to her and took her hands, lifting her from where she sat at her vanity. "Oh my darling, I've missed you every moment of every day." And just to prove how glad he was to not have to miss her anymore, Robert took Cora in his arms and kissed her deeply.
When he pulled back, Cora realized she was crying. "I'm just so relieved, darling," she explained.
"Shh," he soothed, "no more tears. We can return to everything as it was. Today is a happy day. Let's celebrate."
And they did. They had a wonderful dinner with all of Robert's favorite things. The girls were surprisingly well behaved, but Cora rather thought that had a lot to do with the fact that Mary was between Robert and Violet, and Edith was on Violet's other side. Separating the elder Crawley girls was always a good idea. Cora had Sybil sit beside her, and the sweet little girl was a little wiggly, but she did not disrupt anything.
After dinner, the children were sent to bed after each getting hugs and kisses from their Papa. The adults continued their celebration until Violet took her leave and Robert took Cora up to bed. The celebration of Robert's homecoming occurred in earnest, then.
He slept well after that. They both did. And life slowly returned to normal.
Well, it was normal for about three days. Robert was readjusting and getting familiarized with the estate business that had been managed in his absence. Cora reveled in the renewed routine of walks after breakfast and seeing their daughters after tea and having proper dinners together once more. Robert seemed to be doing well. It almost felt like he had never been gone.
But then, on the third night after his return, Cora woke to Robert shouting and writhing about in bed. She called his name and tried to shake him awake. In the dark bedroom, she saw his eyes wide open and staring at her without seeing. His face was contorted with pain and fear. He thrashed violently and his arm hit her right across the cheek, knocking her back. The momentum caused Cora to fall out of bed with a scream.
That seemed to be enough to properly wake him. He breathed heavily, but his shouting had stopped. Cora picked herself up and tried to light a lamp with her shaky hands. "Robert?" Her voice shook as much as the rest of her.
He looked at her, the fear in his eyes replaced by hurt and shame. "What happened?"
"I think you might have had a nightmare. You were shouting and thrashing," she told him.
Robert frowned. "Why is your face red?"
"I got too close to your flailing arms."
"Oh god, Cora, did I strike you?!" The wash of guilt over his features broke her heart.
"It's fine," she insisted.
"No, darling, it isn't."
He threw off the remaining covers and got up to go to her side of the bed. He sat her down on the edge of the bed, holding her hands. He gently trailed his fingers over the sore part of her face. She winced.
"I am so sorry. My dearest one, I am so sorry." He kissed the tips of her fingers in repentance.
"Do you remember your nightmare? Do you know what happened?" she asked, hoping to move past the fact that her husband had inadvertently hit her across the face and she was in quite a bit of pain.
"It's nothing," he insisted. "I want a cold compress for you." He moved to get up and ring for someone.
But Cora stopped him. "No, I am fine, Robert. But that dream of yours wasn't nothing. You wouldn't wake when I shook you."
His face crumpled. Whatever vestiges of strength he was trying to maintain all fell away. He held her hands tightly. "The things…the things I saw, Cora," he said in a harsh whisper. "They come to me. Even after the fighting stopped, I couldn't stop thinking of it. The horrific smell of death and gunpowder. The screams of the dying. I close my eyes and it's like I'm there and I can't escape."
Cora threw her arms around her husband and held him tight. He began to cry as he buried his face in her hair. His embrace was nearly crushing, but Cora just held him, murmuring to him that he was safe and he was home and everything would be alright.
Eventually he quieted and pulled back, wiping his eyes. "Oh thank god for you," he said. His voice was hoarse from his anguish.
"You have been gone a long time, Robert. I'm only glad that I can be here to comfort you now."
He shook his head. "I've returned to you less than half a man, a weak and unworthy coward."
"No," she insisted. She took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. "You are not a coward. And you are not any less of a man. You have survived a war and returned home to me."
"Weak and unworthy, still," he protested.
"You are so much more than that, my darling Robert. You will always be more than that. I will remind you as long as I need to until you can accept all that you are," she vowed. "You are my husband, and I love you more than anything in this world."
"I love you," he responded, the shame having left his eyes for now.
Cora leaned in and kissed him softly. "And now it is time for us to try and get some sleep."
Robert nodded and went back to his side of the bed to assist Cora in putting the sheets back to some semblance of order. When they turned out the lamp and got back into bed, Cora brought him into her arms. She had to turn in an odd way to keep from resting on her bruised face, but it was not too much a price to pay.
She had her husband back in her arms. And no matter what, that was where he would remain.