The entire way back, I didn't speak. Link tried his usual banter, but eventually he gave up. After the almost-kiss, Liv walked a few paces ahead. The truth was, I couldn't speak. Inside, I was a hurricane viewed from underwater. Roiling waves of emotions twisted and swirled and battered the shoreline of my mind, eroding it, dragging bits of my sanity and composure down to the depths as they tore at me.
Lena didn't want me. My Lena. Despite the convection current threatening to tear me up inside, part of me felt numb. I felt more dead with each step I took. The farther from Exile I got, the worse it was. With each pace we put between us, I felt Lena slipping away. A few times I thought about kelting out to her, but I was too afraid she wouldn't answer. Or that she would. I couldn't bear to think ahead of me. The prospect of waking up tomorrow, and reaching out to her with my mind, only to find an empty void waiting for me...it was more than I could bear. My knees felt like I was going to collapse. I don't know what made me keep moving forward, but I did. Zombie-like, silent, I stumbled in a semblance of human animation onward, back to Gatlin. Back to a life without Lena.
When we emerged from the underworld, or underground, wherever it was we ended up, I went straight up to my room and crashed into my bed like a corpse being dumped into a shallow grave. I wanted to sleep so badly, but my stomach was turning like a mass of writhing snakes, and my head was still spinning. I wasn't hungry, but I was confused inside by this empty, gnawing hunger. I needed to sleep. I needed to see Lena. I needed to sleep. I needed answers. I needed sleep. I needed sleep. I-
Bright sunlight streamed in through my window. For a moment, the world was fine. Everything was perfectly normal, and the I went to reach out with my mind for Lena- and the world came crashing down around me like an imploding house. I remembered Exile, and John Breed, and the Vex, and Lena telling me she didn't want me, and almost kissing Liv, and... I wanted to throw up. I should have gone back to sleep, but Amma would have had my hide for that. I had to get out of the house. I had to get away from everyone. I quickly dressed and slipped out of the house, securing the keys, and driving around and around, aimlessly. Finally, ending up at Ravenwood. I sat in front of Ravenwood Manor, like a man staring at the gallows, awaiting execution. Nothing good would be greeting me on the other side of the gate, but I had to know. I had to get closure. Taking a deep breath, I slowly got out and closed the car door. The gravel of the driveway crunched under my foot with each step, and the closer I got to the front door, the faster and harder my heart beat. I didn't know if she'd be home, or if she'd even talk to me, but I had to try. I had to know.
The front door swung open, as though of its own accord as I got closer to it, admitting me into a maelstrom of activity. Suitcases and luggage of numerous types and sizes were stacked in a manner approaching haphazard neatness off to one side of the door, and Lena's family members were blustering by me as I stood there like a spectator, confused.
Aunt Del was the first person I ran into.
"Ethan, honey, so glad you came before we left!" Aunt Del said, with her usual air of slight confusion. Being a palimpsest had the unfortunate side effect of leaving the people with that particular power always slightly confused, due to time happening concurrently to them. Everything was happening at once- beginning, middle and end.
I'd forgotten about the trip. Lena had mentioned it, once, quite some time ago, and not much since. I think initially, she didn't want us to focus on how she'd be gone. Now, though, I had a feeling this trip was a harbinger of darker things to come.
"Yes, ma'am. I'll go up and say my goodbyes, and uh, I'll see you all on my way back down." And with that I started up the stairs case. With every step, though, my legs grew heavier. The closer I got to her door, the harder it got to keep moving forward. Like trying to walk in a tornado. Finally, I opened her door.
The room had changed, once again. Now, every surface was stark, dead black. Words written haphazardly all over in white, both chalk and some sort of marker, and maybe paint? It didn't matter. Song lyrics mostly. Some I recognized, some I didn't. Lena was on her bed, writing in her notebook. I couldn't see what she was writing, but I had a feeling I'd be sick if I could. She looked up as I pushed the door open and took a few steps inside the threshold.
"Ethan, what are you doing here?" She seemed confused and annoyed. As if yesterday was somehow the final nail in the coffin and that she shouldn't have to see me ever again.
"I wanted to see you. Alone." I said flatly. I had to see her without her other boy around.
"Why?" Was all she said, putting down her notebook and staring at me, unmoving.
Why? She had the nerve to ask me. I had the urge to kelt to her, so I could yell inside my head and no one but us would hear. Why would I want to talk to her, the girl of my dreams, literally! Because I loved her? Because I couldn't accept that it's over, and that she could walk away from me, from us, so easily. Her words from Exile came back to me, the ghost of a knife, burying itself in my chest again. "You don't belong here...I don't want you here...you should go...".
"Because, Lena, I want you to tell me, to my face, to leave. To go away, to stop talking to you, looking at you, touching you, kissing you. I want you to force me out of your life. If you want me gone, then make it happen. But I won't just turn tail and run away like a scared puppy. If you want me gone, tell me!" I was shouting now. Lena glared at me through glistening eyes. The gold in her irises turning her tears into pools of molten gold until they fell down her cheeks. I stared down at my shoes, ashamed. I looked back up at her. "I wanted to hear it from you without John around, so I knew it was you." I said quietly. Although I had lowered my voice there was still a steel edge in it.
Ethan... her voice came across my mind.
"No, Lena. Say it." I told her, my words harsh. Kelting was a piece of the Caster world. I wanted no part of that right now. Right now, I wanted Lena, MY Lena, to tell me what was going on.
"Please, Lena. Just tell me what's going on. Something is wrong." I knew Macon's death was weighing heavily on her. It was weighing on me too. There were parts of that night I couldn't quite remember, but what I could remember was terrible. Macon fighting Hunting, Sarafine and Larkin, smoke and fire. Pain. Indescribable pain.
"What's wrong? I have a boyfriend who follows me and spies on me." Lena said, her voice rising slightly. A few cracks formed in her walls with this. Plaster dust slowly floating down to the floor.
Oh, now she wanted to fight? I'd backed off, and now she wanted to start raising the stakes?
"And what about wanting a girlfriend who doesn't run off and jump on the back of some other guys bike and disappear?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even, it it wasn't working. My pulse was already increasing.
"Oh yeah, and what about you almost kissing her?!" Pieces of the wall came out like the house was the epicenter of an earthquake.
"It's what you want anyway. A normal life, no more casters, no more complicated girlfriend, back on the basketball team, back to being who you were before, with your pretty blonde mortal..." she practically spat the last word out.
"You had just told me you didn't want me there, that I should leave, that you weren't my kind and I wasn't yours!" I roared, completely abandoning my composure.
"It's true, Ethan. You can't even touch me without practically dying!"
"Oh, and John can, is that it? You've just been dying to be with someone who doesn't have to risk his life just to kiss you?!" I left the implication hanging. I'd gladly risk my life just to taste her kiss, to feel her soft lips on mine. To feel the electricity passing between us until I couldn't think anymore. But none of that mattered. She didn't want me, she wanted John, Caster-boy-wonder.
A look I couldn't quite place briefly crossed her face like a malevolent shadow.
"Yes." Was all she said. Like that statement alone was enough. Like the fact that he didn't feel the electricity that I did when she and I touched somehow validated the entire sequence of events these past few weeks. Something was terribly, horribly wrong. I couldn't stand it, I exploded.
"Fine, Lena! If that's what you want, then all you have to do is say it. Go on, say it! Tell me you want me gone!" She was crying now, my yelling finally collapsing the wall that she had been trying to put up. It killed me to see her like this, but what was I to do? She had run off with John, met up with him behind my back, lied to me.
"Ethan, don't do this. You don't understand..." she tried, lamely.
I wasn't about to calm down. I was hurt, and afraid, and angry.
"Go ahead, Lena. You know you want to. So go ahead. Push me away, again! Tell me you don't want to be with me!"
I was going for the throat now. She'd hurt me, now I was getting mine back. I hated myself. I felt sick. I loved her, and I was hurting her. I couldn't stop myself though. All the pain, all the worry, the uncertainty, poured out of me like a severed artery gushing blood.
"SAY IT!! SAY YOU DON'T LOVE ME! TELL ME YOU WANT ME GONE! TELL ME YOU DON'T LOVE ME, LENA DUCHANNES!!!"
Plaster was stripping off the wall in huge chunks, debris whirled us like we were in a tornado, encapsulating us in its eye. Lena glared at me, her eyes burning with emotion. Anger, sadness, hurt, resentment. But she didn't say anything. For a moment, I almost became hopeful. Maybe she was still my Lena, maybe this was all a mistake, maybe...
She stepped forward suddenly, her right hand out in front of her, palm toward me, her middle finger slightly forward of the rest of her fingers, and she put it against my forehead. A soundless explosion of white light, shutting out the rest of the world. I couldn't hear the maelstrom of spinning wood and plaster and debris, I couldn't see her room around me, I couldn't even feel my feet touching the floor. Instead, I heard Lena's voice. Soft, now, and sad.
Goodbye, Ethan...
When I finally came back to my senses, I was sitting in the driver's seat of the Volvo, out front of the Gatlin Library. I had no recollection of how I got there. I didn't remember...well, anything. Confused, I got out of the car and walked up to the front doors in a daze. I don't know what propelled me, or why I decided to go inside instead of driving home, except that driving home would have been likely suicide in my present condition, but I walked on up to the library door, ignoring completely my disheveled, dust-covered, wind-blown appearance, and walked in.
"Hi, come on in I'm just- ETHAN!" Aunt Marian looked up from a cart of books she was re-shelving when she heard the bells over the door, and almost shrieked my name. I must have looked terrible. Clothes covered in dust, hair blown every which way by some sort of hurricane, stumbling around like a man in shock.
"Liv, where are you?!" Aunt Marian yelled, prompting Liv's appearance from the back room.
"Ethan!" She yelled, immediately bolting towards me. At first, I didn't quite understand, I was still stunned. Nothing would come back to me. It was like my mind was enclosed in a box, with only enough left out to control basic motor functions. Aunt Marian and Liv both sat me down in a chair, and then started a barrage of questions.
"What happened?!"
"Are you ok?!"
"Who did this?!"
"Are you hurt?!"
I honestly didn't know what to tell them, nothing would come back to me. So, I looked at them both, and shrugged. And then started crying. I didn't know why. I hadn't cried since my mothers funeral, but here I was, breaking down in the Gatlin Public Library. Huge salty tears rolled down my cheeks like streams down a hillside, cutting paths in the dust that covered my face and dripping onto my shirt. I had no idea why I was crying, just that I was. Something inside me hurt. Marian and Liv's care of me somehow broke the final levy, and the flood waters burst forth. Something nagged at my mind, but I couldn't dislodge it to examine. Something was just wrong. Finally I looked up at Marian and Liv when I finished choking back the tears that had been racking my body in great heaving sobs.
"I can't remember anything." I said. Marian's face, just then, took on a look I won't soon forget. She looked at Liv.
"She put a cast on him. I don't know what cast, or why, or for how long it will last, but she did." Marian's entire demeanor changed. Before she was all concern, now she was almost calm, but an icy calm. An angry, slowly simmering calm. Liv, too, changed. Before she was concerned and nervous, now she looked sick. I still couldn't understand why. Marian looked over at Liv.
"We can't let Amma see him like this. Take him back to my house, get him cleaned up as best as you can, and I'll handle damage control here and talk to Amma." Marian turned to me.
"Ethan, how did you get here?" She asked slowly, the concern still evident on her features.
"Car." Was all I could come up with. My head hurt from crying. My everything hurt and I was exhausted. Marian turned to Liv.
"Take the Volvo, park it at my house, call Link to pick it up, swear him to secrecy under threat of Death, and look after him." Liv nodded gravely and took my hand to lead me outside to the car. Her touch, warm, human, and reassuring, snapped me out of my stupor somewhat, and I responded, closing my hand around hers. Liv lead me out into the parking lot to the Volvo and fished in my jean pockets for the keys. The doors weren't locked, I'm surprised I even remembered to turn the car off, and Liv guided me over to the passenger side, buckling me in before climbing in behind the wheel and starting the car.
Luckily it wasn't a long drive to Marian's house, and before long we were inside, with me sitting on the side of the bathtub and Liv on the phone to Link.
"Link, it's Liv. I need you to come by Marian's house, Ethan's car is here. I need you to come pick it up. I'll explain when you get here. He's fine. Very well, I'll see you soon. Goodbye now. " And with that she hung up. Turning to me, she looked down with concern.
"Ethan, you can get yourself cleaned up, right?" There was a hint of concern in her voice. I nodded. I knew how to take a shower. I had never showered at Marian's house before, but every shower was essentially the same, so I went about looking for towels. I found one, fluffy and a light purple color, in a little closet just beside the sink. Liv stepped out, and I shed my disheveled, dusty clothes, stepping into the shower and turning it on. The water, hot and reassuring somehow, ran down my body like it was washing away sin. Cleansing me of the transgressions of the past. I still had the nagging in the back of my mind. I couldn't place it. Something there. Something...bad. Something wrong. Try as I might, though, I still couldn't work loose whatever piece was stuck fast in the folds of my memory, and so I shrugged it off, hoping it would come loose on it's own, like a child's tooth. The more I washed, the better I felt. Slowly, I started to feel more human. More myself. I don't even know why I was so upset before. I tested out my wrists and ankles...nothing seemed broken. What sort of cast was I supposed to have? I'd ask Liv when I got out of the shower.
Finishing up and turning off the water, I looked at my clothes on the floor of the bathroom and realized that they were filthy, but I couldn't remember why, and I couldn't put them back on. Indecision grabbed me. Did I walk out in just my towel. Where was Liv? What would I do about clothes? I decided to call for her.
"Liv?" No answer. I tried again, louder, hoping she was nearby. Nothing. Oh well...I guess I'd better try to find something to cover up in besides a wet towel. I opened the door, carrying my clothes wadded up in one hand and my shoes in the other with the towel securely tightened around my waist, just below where my belt normally sat. If I put it any higher, it would just slide down, loosen, and fall off and I couldn't have that happen again! At a birthday party in fourth grade, that happened to me. At a pool party, and I got teased for the rest of the summer. I poked my head out the door first, keeping my body hidden behind it, and looked around.
"Liv?" I called. Still, no answer. I stepped out and walked down the hall. I barely remembered coming here, and I couldn't remember anything before I found myself in the Volvo out front of the Library. I was starting to be worried. Coming down the hallway, I glanced into the living room. Empty as well. I knew Liv was around here somewhere. I stopped to listen for her, like I would if I were trying to sneak by Amma. Still silence greeted me. Around the corner, I would find the kitchen, and then the door out to the back porch. I turned to head back towards the bathroom, unsure of what to do next, when Liv emerged from the door to the basement into the hallway between me, and the bathroom. I guess she'd been downstairs in the basement. I don't know what would be down there, but she was empty-handed, so she hadn't found it.
She paused momentarily, staring. Her eyes, as if by their own volition, roamed down from my face, down my shirtless torso, lean from many seasons of hard basketball practice in the Gatlin summer heat. I felt self conscious as her gaze traveled down, and then snapped back to my face, her face flushing in a fierce blush, her bottom lip unconsciously trapped between her teeth.
"Uh...Liv?" I asked, trying to get her attention. She looked at me, her gaze finally meeting mine.
"Oh, yes, sorry. I was just in the basement looking for a box of old clothes that might have been down there. Sweats and the like, but I wasn't able to find them." Her eyes quickly glanced down again, and then back up. Something in her look. She took what looked to be a step toward me and then stopped. She backed off a step, her eyes searching my face. Searching for what, I didn't know.
"Ethan, uh, why don't I find you some of Marians old sweats or something, until we can tell Link to grab you clothes from your house, and..." she couldn't finish the sentence. My towel was slipping lower, becoming gradually looser, and her eyes kept returning to it, before she turned and fled into the bedroom. I quickly dropped my clothes and shoes in the middle of the hall and went back into the bathroom. Before long there was a knock.
"Yeah?" I answered.
"It's Liv, I have some clothes here, temporarily. Just a set of old Duke college sweats, top and bottom. I'll hand them in, if that's all right." Liv replied. What was with her voice. It seemed so strained.
"Sure." Was all I could think to respond, sitting there with the towel loosely arranged on my waist. She opened the door a crack and handed the sweats in. I stood up to retrieve them from her grasp, and my towel fell off. This wouldn't have been such an issue, if the mirror hadn't been in just such a location that Liv caught a glimpse of my predicament just before I grabbed the sweats and grabbed for my towel, pushing the door back shut. As the door clicked shut, I heard a gasp.
I re-emerged, dressed in grey sweats. Oddly enough, they fit me decently. Marian must have been absolutely swimming in them, which explained why they weren't very well worn, considering they were likely from her college days.
Liv was sitting in the living room on the couch, absentmindedly paging through a textbook. She looked up when I walked in. I met her eyes, and something passed between us. Something in her look stopped me. Some pained hunger behind her eyes. There was something familiar there. That nagging in the back of my mind, something...from before. But I couldn't bring the memory forth. Instead, I went over top sat down on the recliner next to the couch, giving her space, while not being too far away. It seemed a good compromise. Curiosity eventually got the best of me, so I decided to ask her the internal question I'd had earlier.
"Liv, did I get hurt?"
"What?" The question caught her off guard.
"Aunt Marian said I had a cast on, but everything feels fine." I replied, struggling to understand. Her face stopped me short. It was as though I'd just told her I was a murderer. The look of horror on her face was unsettling, and was quickly replaced by a barely contained sadness that was so overwhelming, I started to feel it too.
"Oh no. Oh no, no..." she started to murmur, her hand rising to cover her mouth in abject horror. She suddenly got up and went into the kitchen, grabbing the phone and whispering into it forcefully after dialing. I was scared. What was happening to me? I needed Amma, I needed...there it WAS again! That mental splinter. Something stuck in my mind. I couldn't grasp onto it, but it was there. Something elusive. Soon, Liv came back into the living room, and stopped, staring at me. Tears barely concealed behind a quickly crumbling facade. I couldn't help it, I felt compelled to go to her. As though drawn to her, I closed the distance between us, wrapping my arms around her in a protective hug, which she returned slowly but eventually, my larger frame towering over hers. My arms over hers, crossed over her back, her smaller arms circling my chest, climbing up my back. I laid my head on top of hers as I felt her trying desperately to contain sobs that were fighting angrily to break free.
"It's ok, Liv. Everything will be fine, you'll see." I honestly had no idea why she was crying, I was worried myself, but I didn't think anything was wrong enough to cry about. I wasn't hurt, I didn't think anyone was dead. My head was resting on top of hers, and I breathed in, smelling sweet tea, and honeysuckle. The scent was familiar, but also strange. Like forgetting the words to a song you've sang before. Slowly, gingerly, she moved her head away from my chest, and I removed mine to give her room. I felt her stop, and I glanced down, to find her gazing at me. Those beautiful blue eyes stopped me. Like hitting pause on a movie, the world seemed to freeze in place. In that time, in that place, there wasn't another person, just Liv, and me. I felt the inexorable pull. This was going to happen. Like they'd done this before, my hands changed positions. One rested on her hip, the other crawled up her back, resting at the bottom of her neck, my fingers gently caressing the skin there as she, in turn, leaned. Our eyes closed, the magnetic pull we each felt drawing us together. Her lips were warm and inviting. Their sweet taste spilled across my own as I gently captured them with mine. Softly, gently, they parted for me as we pressed closer together. Oblivion, abandon, sweet blissful surrender. Cares, worries, fears...they all melted away, floating off into space as I lost myself in her lips. Her arms rose up to loop around my neck and I pulled her closer, my hand snaking across her back as I moved the other to cup her face, drinking her in. Like I'd been lost, and her kiss was the road back to safety and comfort, I followed it unquestioningly. The more we kissed, the more the hunger grew. I don't remember whose tongue probed first, but I felt hers sliding alongside mine as I ran my fingers into the hair at the nape of her neck, cradling her head gently as I returned the kiss, sucking her bottom lip gently as she moaned into my mouth. I felt a fire slowly rising in me, threatening to consume me as I-
Ethan...
I pushed away from Liv suddenly. What had just happened? I'd heard a voice, or the ghost of a voice, in my head. Not like I was really hearing it, more like I was feeling it. Like someone had been spying on me, kissing Liv. What was happening to me?
"Ethan, what's wrong?" Liv looked at me with growing concern, searching my face for a clue.
"I don't...I don't know. One minute, everything was great, and then...I can't really explain. I thought I heard..." but I couldn't finish the sentence. Suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't even define why, exactly. But it was like kissing Liv had been wrong, somehow. Like I wasn't supposed to. But that couldn't possibly be true. I needed to lay down, and I said so.
"Liv, I don't know what just happened, but I need to lay down somewhere. It's not you. I just suddenly feel really dizzy." I sat down on the couch, and then laid down. Almost as an afterthought to assuage any lingering doubts she had, I looked at Liv.
"That was amazing. Maybe you made me dizzy." I joked. Inside, I knew it wasn't Liv. Something wasn't right. I needed to talk to Marian, or maybe Amma. Again, I found myself very tired. Liv left the room, somewhat reluctantly after a moment, and came back in with a thick knitted blanket, laying it over me and gently rubbing my back.
"I'm sorry, Liv. It really isn't you. I don't know what my problem is." I murmured apologetically.
"Ethan, it's all right. We'll get Marian over here, and we'll make everything better, I promise." She said, kissing my temple before getting up and heading back into the kitchen to grab the phone. It wasn't long before I fell asleep after that.
When I awoke, Marian was there, looking at me with concern out of the corner of her eye and talking with Liv, who had changed from her library clothes to a pair of shorts and a form-fitting white t-shirt, in hushed, urgent tones. I couldn't make out what they were saying, and my head seemed to be throbbing, but I caught bits and pieces.
"...put a cast on him to forget..."
"...find her and reverse this..."
"...trying to figure out what happened..."
Link was there too, with a backpack he had swiped from my house, filled with a change of clothes for me. When he noticed I was awake, he handed me the bag, which I took and got up to go into the bathroom to change. As I got up, Liv caught me eye, and I smiled at her. She blushed immediately and looked back at Marian. Who in turn looked at me and then back at Liv.
I quickly locked the bathroom door behind me and changed. Jeans, a new t-shirt, this one with the faded logo of the Allman Brothers Band, and a spare pair of sneakers, as my Chuck Taylors were likewise filthy. Thinking about them brought me back to that mental splinter. Like, something about those shoes...I couldn't place it, but something was decidedly off.
Coming back out, freshly dressed, and no longer wearing Marians college sweatsuit, I felt slightly better, if still having a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. The group whisper session was breaking up as I arrived back in the living room. Link looked ashamed, somehow, and couldn't meet my eyes. Liv would blush and look away, Marian was the only one who would look directly at me, and when she did her expression held such pity that I didn't want to ask why. Something was wrong, with me.
Marian spoke first, as the trio turned to face me.
"Ethan...how would you feel about going on a drive up to Ravenwood?" She asked.
"Ravenwood? Why on earth would we go to Ravenwood?!" I asked, confused. Ravenwood was haunted, or lived in by crazy people. Old Man Ravenwood was a shut in, a recluse. Gatlin's Boo Radley.
This answer didn't seem to be what they wanted to hear. Link hung his head, Liv looked on the verge of tears again, and Marian seemed defeated.
"Does someone want to tell me what's going on here?!" I said, my voice rising. I was angry, yes, but I was also scared. So much I didn't know. So much was being kept from me.
"Ethan," Marian started, "...look. there are things that you need to know, and things we'll have to tell you, but right now isn't the time. There's a lot going on that even I don't understand, and if I tell you, or if anyone does, it could cause irreparable damage. I can't risk that." She said, not illuminating anything really, just making me more confused. I looked at Link, who shrugged in a half-hearted way, as if to say she's right and then looked away. Liv would only meet my eyes briefly, and when she did hers were full of sympathy, and pity, and pain. At that moment, I wanted to be anywhere else in the world. The sky outside was overcast, which it had been since I could start remembering recently, at the Gatlin Library. Although it had gotten darker since I woke up. Reluctantly, Link walked out and fired up The Beater and drove off, going who-knows-where. Marian turned to me.
"I have to get back to the library, I'm here on my lunch. Liv is going to stay with you." And with that, she grabbed her purse and walked out the door in a sudden hurry, leaving Liv leaning against the counter, staring at me while I sat on the couch. I looked at the TV, but for some reason, I couldn't summon the interest to turn it on. I could have picked up a book, but...what was the use? My mind was going a million miles an hour, asking question after question, with no real answers. Liv must have seen it, because she came over and sat next to me on the couch. The nervous tension between us was immense, as we sat there in silence, staring into space and seeing two very different things. I can't speak for what Liv was seeing, but I saw a jigsaw with too many pieces missing, but slowly, that gave way. To Liv. My thoughts unbidden, wandered back to the kiss earlier. A few times, muscles in me twitched as I fought the subconscious urge to reach a hand over to her. I remembered the voice in my head, but I didn't care. I needed to be close to someone. I needed that comfort that can only be found in warm human physical contact. I felt her shift, as well, imperceptibly. I turned to look at her, her blonde hair shone in the light like rays of sunshine. The soft curves of her face peeking from behind the straight blonde curtain of hair, and a nervous smile gently parting her full lips. I started to say something, that initial short inhalation of breath before you speak-
And in that second, we were on one another. As though through some unspoken agreement, we simultaneously exploded into each other's arms, lips mashing together in frantic kisses, hands roaming and sliding over each others bodies. Shirts being pulled and moved. She gently bit my lower lip, as I slid my hand under her shirt, up her bare back. She released my lip, and I looked into her eyes to see a hunger there that surprised me, before she climbed up into my lap, straddling me. I slid both hands up her back under her shirt, my nimble fingers undoing the clasp of her bra. I'd never been this forward before. Never been this sure of myself. I certainly didn't learn this with Emily Asher. I pulled her down to me, kissing from her ear down her neck to her shoulder, which I kissed after pulling her t-shirt aside. She responded by grinding her hips down onto mine, eliciting one of the oldest physiological responses in mankind. I felt blood rushing. My pulse rate quickened. In an instant, I pulled her shirt up and off over her head, which she immediately wadded up and threw aside, her white, simple bra slipping off her shoulders. In turn, she reached for my sides, pulling my shirt up and off over my head, leaving us both completely topless. I grabbed her and pulled her to me, marveling at the feeling of her smooth skin, hot against mine. The stirring she'd elicited in me earlier was becoming painfully urgent, as though my groin was turning to actual steel. I could feel it grinding against her as she slowly gyrated her hips down onto me as our kisses became urgent and hungry. I grabbed her hips and pushed back, pulling her down onto my hardness. She gasped, a quivering exhalation of breath with her mouth open and her eyes shut tight. I did it again, and she moaned this time, slowly leaning back, giving me full view and access to her soft, perky breasts. I wasted no time, supporting her back with my hands, I leaned forward, taking a pink nipple gently between my lips and running my tongue over it gingerly. She moaned again, louder, and I kissed my way across to the other one, repeating my actions. I kissed up her chest to her throat, which she gave willingly, letting her head fall back as I slid one hand down her side, to her hip. She leaned back towards me, taking my face in both hands and attacking my mouth with hers. Her kisses seeming only to spur her desire on further. Suddenly, her hand moved down to my waist line, and her thumb popping the button on my jean's. With a quick pull, she had the zipper down and reached inside the waistband of my shorts, grasping me. Now it was my turn to gasp. She gave a stroke, almost teasingly slowly, causing me to groan and arch up to meet her efforts. I slipped a hand behind her head and pulled her to me, gently biting into the soft skin of her neck, sucking as I released her tender flesh, eliciting goosebumps to erupt across every inch of exposed skin. She gave me another stroke, this one slightly faster, and farther, longer. I kissed back down her neck, to her collarbone, and to her breasts again, relishing the way she whimpered as I teased her sensitive nipples. Her strokes became faster, and my breaths became faster with them. Luckily for me, Liv was wearing short athletic shorts. Red, with white stripes down each hip. An elastic waistband with a drawstring front that I was pretty confident were just ornamental. I reached for the waist band, pulling it away from her body, catching only a momentary glimpse of simple white cotton underwear to match the simple white bra. At this point, I reached back, sliding both my hands over her firm, round butt, and grabbed. With little difficulties, I stood up and carried her down the hall to her bedroom, depositing her on the bed. The couch just wasn't going to give us enough space. Wasting no time, I crawled onto the bed after her, kissing my way from her waistline up to her ear, gently nibbling the lobe as I did so. Her hand, once again, found my waist line and took hold me of, as I laid on my side, next to her, and slowly slid one hand down over her chest, caressing a bare breast as I slid by it, gently stroking an exposed nipple with my thumb, and then following the curves of her body lower. She gave me a particularly long, slow stroke, pulling another groan from me as I closed my eyes and arched against her hand again. I paused by the waist line, and looked at her. Her half-closed eyes, smoky with desire, met mine.
"Yes, Ethan. Do it. I want you to." She told me, confirming what I had hoped. Slipping under the waistband, and underneath the white cotton, she opened her legs, granting me access lower. She gasped when I found wetness, gently probing with my fingers. Her strokes resumed, pumping her hand back and forth along my length. I bent my head and took a nipple between my lips again, as I entered her, slowly.
"Oh god!" She gasped, her hips rising to meet my touch. I slowly proceeded, until my palm was flat against her, and then curled my fingers, in an almost 'come here' motion.
"Oh god, Ethan, yes!" She moaned again. Her eyes shut, her grasp of me momentarily forgotten. It seemed I had found that magic spot. I retreated slightly, and repeated my previous motion. Sinking back in, while curling my fingers. Her breathing became more erratic, her fingernails seeking purchase on my bare back and when none was forthcoming, digging into the skin in an attempt to hold on. I wouldn't relent. I repeated my motions, back and forth, curling and retreating. Her moans drove me onward, her gasps emboldened me. Eventually, her breathing became fast, frantic. I heard her calling my name.
"Ethan, Ethan, Ethan, I'm...I'm going to...Ethan..." she suddenly shuddered, her entire body quivering, her eyes clenched shut, her mouth open, soundlessly. Every muscle tense and quivering, her body vibrating like a strummed guitar string. Finally, she exhaled one long breath and fell limp onto the tussled mattress next to me. Her breathing slowing, but still coming in gasps.
Eyes still closed, she wrapped a hand around the back of my neck, pulling me in for a much more gentle, tender kiss. Her lips gently caressing mine, her tongue gently dancing against mine in a slow sensual glide.
"Oh Ethan..." she breathed. I kissed her again, and then turned my ministrations to her neck and ears.
"Yeah, Liv?" I wanted to hear her next words. To see what sort of praise I'd get. I don't even know where I learned to do any of that, it just seemed to come naturally.
"That was...incredible." She blew out another long breath, turning to me on her side and tucking herself up against me. I draped an arm over her, my head supported by my other arm as she nestled in against me, her bare chest pressed to mine. I still ached, the pain palpable, but I ignored it for now. Reaching back over her shoulder, Liv tugged at a corner of the blanket, pulling it over to us, and I dragged a couple of pillows down from the head of the bed. She covered us, and I slipped a pillow under her head and mine, but she kept my arm as an pillow, kissing my chest with one arm keeping me pressed against her, as we slowly drifted off to sleep.
"Ethan? Liv?" Marians voice penetrated my dreamless sleep, and I woke with a start. Still tired, but warm and content, I cracked an eye open to see Liv, still curled up against me, a smile gently playing across her soft features as we lay on her bed, entangled in the blankets, each of us half naked, still seeming to glow against the other like polished brass. I kissed her.
"Liv, Marian is back, we have to get up." I said. It must have been later than I thought if Marian was home already. How long had we been asleep? I looked around for my t-shirt, realizing that it, along with Liv's shirt and bra were somewhere around the couch in the living room. Uh-oh.
"Liv, we really have to get up, Marian is about to find your bra and our shirts laying on the living room floor." I said, whispering with a but more urgency. Liv shot bolt upright, her hands reflexively covering her bare chest.
"Stay here, I'll see if I can get them without her finding them." I said, and went to sneak out towards the living room while Liv dug around in a dresser drawer for another shirt and bra to put on. I had to go retrieve our garments without the truth being discovered by Marian. As much as I hated lying to my moms best friend, things would be a whole lot worse if I we got caught. I finally ran into her in the living room.
"Ethan. Where's Liv?" she asked, eyeing my shirtless torso. I could see the articles I needed to retrieve behind her. The bra was under a dislodged pillow on the couch. Liv's shirt was likewise under the pillow, and my shirt was just where Liv had dropped it- on the floor in front of the couch.
"She's in her bedroom. I guess today has just been taking it out of all of us." I said, not entirely lying. She looked at my chest.
"And where is your shirt?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I took it off earlier, maybe in my sleep. It's right behind you, I'll get it." I stepped around her, quickly retrieving my shirt, and simultaneously pushing Liv's shirt and bra under the pillow a little farther. I sat down next to the pillow covering the evidence, allowing myself a small smile as I remembered Liv and our frantic kisses. I put my shirt on to hide the smile momentarily. Marian turned to me.
"Ethan, I've made some calls. We need to take a trip. We're going to go to Ravenwood, ok? But it's to help you, I promise." she said.
"Liv, we need to go to Ravenwood." She called down the hallway, and then to me as an afterthought.
"Is she awake?"
"She looked like she was waking up when I passed her room a minute ago." I answered honestly.
"I'm awake!" we heard her call from the back hall, and a moment later she emerged dressed in jeans, a pair of sneakers, and another t-shirt. I guessed with a new bra under it, seeing as how her other one was wadded up under the pillow.
"Wait, so...Ravenwood? Why Ravenwood?" I asked, mildly alarmed.
"Well, there are some people there we think might be able to help you." she responded, regarding me warily.
"Which people?" I asked, somewhat concerned.
"Ethan, I need you to trust me. Lila was my best friend, I've known you since you were born, would I ever lead you astray?" she asked, almost pleading.
"No, I suppose not." I said, resignedly.
"So, when do we leave?" I asked.
"As soon as you're ready. We need to fix this."
I still didn't know exactly what needed to be fixed, but I wanted to get whatever it was over with. Liv had suddenly taken on a decidedly depressed look, and I tried to comfort her, but she shrugged off my hug and walked out to the car behind Marian. Now I knew something was decidedly wrong. The entire drive, Liv was distant. She wouldn't meet my eyes, she didn't even look at me. Despite the passionate time we had just spent together, she refused to acknowledge my existence as we drove up to Ravenwood. I wished I knew why. Even Marian sensed the tension in the car as she drove, and put on the radio, trying to lighten the mood with music. It didn't work.
As we pulled into Ravenwood, the tires crunching noisily on the gravel drive, Liv was as distant as she could possibly get, and I didn't understand why. Marian, however, just looked torn. She kept shifting her gaze from me to Liv and back, like somehow she was trying to figure out a solution to the underlying issue. Marian approached the door at Ravenwood and knocked, and the mental splinter in my mind was tangible. This all felt...familiar, somehow. It was becoming corporeal almost. Like I knew what I'd see being the doors. I stayed back with Liv at the car while Marian walked up.
"Liv. Talk to me. What's wrong?" I asked, trying to reach for her. She moved just out of my reach, shaking her head, on the verge of tears. When she finally turned to me, her eyes were almost spilling over with tears.
"I'm about to lose you, Ethan Wate." She said. Lose me? What was she talking about. We had just started… getting together? Being intimate? I wasn't sure how to describe it to anyone else, but I liked Liv. I didn't want to leave her.
"What do you mean?!" I asked, panic rising in my voice.
"I can't tell you, because Marian and I don't know what problems it might cause, but the people here will help you...remember." she said the last word, while looking at the ground, hugging herself despite the warm South Carolina weather.
"Remember? Remember what?" I asked, my confusion growing.
"Just go, Ethan. You need to know." she said, turning away from me, clearly not ready to continue the conversation.
"Ethan!" Aunt Marian called from the doorway. I turned from Liv, and saw Marian standing in the doorway with another woman, who looked much older and was dressed in a dark blue, slightly shimmering dress that looked like the night sky just after sundown. I approached, with one more backwards glance at Liv, who wouldn't look at me. Marian waved me inside.
The other woman was flanked by a woman even older than herself, and two younger females, both much younger as a matter of fact.
"Ethan, honey, I know you don't remember me, from what Marian has said so far, it looks like Lena put some sort of cast on you-" she didn't get to finish the sentence. At the mention of that name, my ears rang like someone had just set off fireworks next to my head, and I had a splitting headache. I couldn't even stand, and involuntarily dropped to a knee, off-balance and clutching my head. The youngest of the children came over quickly and put her hands on my head from the side, while the other girl, in her late teens, knelt down and looked at me, face to face. I felt uncomfortable, like I was being dissected. I felt exposed and vulnerable. She wrinkled up her nose and looked back over her shoulder. Liv had come just inside the door and was waiting, still hugging herself, apart from everyone. She looked back at me and said something I couldn't hear too the woman in blue. This is the last thing I remember before blacking out.
"Ethan? Ethan, can you hear me?" I was coming out of whatever, slowly. Like something from underwater. Sights and sounds were becoming clearer. The older woman was there. I was laying down on a couch in what passed for a "living room" but looked more like a smaller symphony hall
"What happened?" I asked. Everyone was gathered around me in a big circle, looking concerned.
"Ethan, I need you to listen very carefully, we don't have a lot of time. I need to undo what has been done to you, and fast. Someone is missing, and I need your help. Do you understand?" The woman asked. I nodded, wordlessly.
The woman in blue, joined by the older woman, who I guessed to be her mother, and the older teen. A moment later, they were joined by an older man in dark slacks and a white dress shirt, wearing riding boots. Together they joined hands around me, while I laid on the couch, and began to chant. I couldn't understand the words, and the more they changed, the less I could hear. The high-pitched tone in my ears just grew louder and louder with every syllable. Suddenly, my mind exploded. Like a dam bursting, every memory on the other side of the wall came rushing back in. The dreams, Lena, Macon, casters, the Lunae Libri, Ridley, Boo, Macon's death, his funeral, John Breed, Exile, Lena's room, and what I hadn't remembered before, her words to me as she touched my forehead, blocking my memory.
"I love you, Ethan. I always will. That's why this is so hard. I have to go. Somewhere well away from here where I won't hurt anyone. Where I won't hurt you." In the memory her eyes were overflowing with tears as she touched my forehead and kissed my lips gently once last time.
"I love you forever. Goodbye, Ethan." And then I left. I walked straight out of Ravenwood, got in the Volvo, and drove to the library.
I sat straight up and looked around, feeling sick.
"Aunt Del, Lena's gone missing?" I asked, all business.
"I'm afraid she has. We were going you might be able to help us find her." Aunt Del answered.
"She said something about going somewhere she can't hurt me. " I offered, still not entirely sure I want going to be sick. I looked over and caught Liv's eye. We stared.
"Liv...I'm sorry." I said, hanging my head in shame. I didn't mean to hurt her. I couldn't remember Lena, and being with Liv seemed so natural, so right. Liv nodded, trying valiantly to contain tears.
"We have to find Ridley and John Breed. Wherever Lena is, they're either with her or they know." I said. It was time to get to work.