The sharper the knife, the better, and I have a razor-sharp knife. I glide it diagonally across my arm, feeling just a slight pressure that almost tickles. I put the knife on the table next to me and wait. At first glance, all you see is a whitish scrape, and you might think my knife is dull or that I don't know what I'm doing, but you'd be wrong; I know exactly what I'm doing. Nothing happens for five seconds, then at ten seconds, blood slowly starts to seep from the razor-thin cut, a brilliant red that glistens like crimson water flowing through a channel. My pulse races, and a rapturous euphoria sweeps through my body. As I continue to be intoxicated by utter pleasure, the cut seeps little scarlet beads that mimic a pearl necklace.
When the sensation fades, so does the flow of blood. Will this cut leave a lasting scar or will it fade away like so many other things in life? In any case, a cute long sleeve shirt will cover the wounds. I can't make myself go to counseling for this, and why should I when I'm the happiest I have ever been. I'm going to keep doing this until my cover is blown. Now it's time for me to get ready for classes.
Since I have a hard time expressing myself most of the time, the literature club has always created a welcoming environment for me to share my poetry. I am not sure how to make people see me as normal so getting close to someone is really awkward for me. I hope our newest member doesn't think I'm too strange, I'm eager to spend some time with him and offer him some pointers on how to improve his writing. I'm glad Sayori persuaded him to join the..the...
A wave of déjà vu washes over me, and for a brief moment I think I am going insane. Images of a girl assault my mind leaving me confused and perplexed, I think I know her yet when I grasp for her name again I can no longer recall it.
It's like when you finish a good book and are totally engrossed in it, and you feel as though you know the main character personally, despite the fact that they only exist in the ink imbued pages. I have no other reason for such a weird experience than something I read that disagreed with me. Maybe the book Portrait of Markov, which I'm currently reading, is affecting me negatively. It's about a religious camp that has been converted into a prison for human experimentation. The people there have a genetic mutation that turns them into killing machines with lust for blood, and then things get even worse.
"These urges are consuming me and I can no longer control them. I try to resist, but it appears that something is pushing me over the edge, waiting for me to succumb to a crazed bloodlust. I can't stop myself any longer. Is an unseen force controlling me, and will I ever be able to free myself from these ethereal chains that bind me to these diabolical desires? The answer is the third eye; it will either dam me or set me free."
I just finished reading this page last night, and I understand the character's compulsion, his frantic idée fixe state. He says something later about the third eye beckoning him down into the pit of darkness. What exactly does that imply? Monika once said that we all have a little Devil within us; may that be what now powers him, has he devolved into a soulless killer?
Some of these characters must have gotten a bit too far into my subconscious. That's the best I can come up with for an explanation for why I feel so out of touch with reality today. My mind has been a little whirlwind lately, it's possible that I'm imagining people who have obviously never existed. Part of it is due to the fact that I have a secret crush on the newest member of our club. I know the other girls do too, I sincerely hope he prefers my poem to Natsuki's or Monika's. I hope he walks me home today. I can hope, can't I?
If dad was blind, would I mind?
No.
He is always mean
He Drinks
His breath stinks
Why does he scream
Why does he hit
He is asleep now
His throat I could slit
So much blood, WOW!
-Natsuki
The compulsion calls to me
Do I answer
I must
I want to cut the conversation short
I want to cut
Cut it out!
I can't
Why?
I can't help it
It helps
Me
Relaxation
I see red
I give blood
It gives back
S-Sorry.
-Yuri
Ever heard the term "Yandere"?
It's a person who is insanely possessive
What is so wrong with that?
Me Me Me Me mE Meeeee!
What I want, I get.
Eliminate the competition
Don't worry, I could never actually kill someone
Just Kidding
How many people have you killed in games?
Did you lose count?
I won't judge.
Am I getting too creepy?
Come on, everyone has killed people in games.
They are not really people. Are they?
You don't see them as people, admit it.
Does that make you a psychopath?
Haha, bet you never thought about that.
You know what a "Tsundere" is?
Someone who hides their feelings by being nasty or acting tough.
I always tell people how I feel
That is why I am the club president
That is why I am better than the other girls
They are damaged
They break easily
I nudge them until they destroy themselves
Does that make me a bad person
No.
When only you and me are left, everything will make sense
-Monika
He sat next to me and we read our poems together; I'm hoping I don't say something dumb. I'm not used to this, and I'm terrified. Natsuki seems to be trying to sabotage the situation. The FUCKING BITCH, THAT FUCKING BITCH FUCKING FUCKING BITCH FUCKINGF I say to myself, but the words won't stay in my head, and they spill out for everyone to hear. Natsuki responds with a yell, "You want him all to yourself, and you think he'll love you until he sees what you like to do with all those knives?"
Please don't hate me; I'm having a bad day, but he looks terrified, and Natsuki seems pleased with herself.
I confess my love for him, I don't care what the other girls think, AHAHAHAHAHA! My code is faulty, I'm losing it. I can't control these compulsions any longer.
Dam! This club is going to kill me! I take out my knife and stab myself over and over again...
Natsuki pukes, and he appears to be in shock. Then a new day begins; he is walking to school, and the literature club has shrunk to just two girls.
Hi it's Monica, how are you doing today? I can hear your heart pounding, which means we're meant to be together, tee hee. Yuri bled out, which I expected because she had been sloppy with her knife, and maybe I influenced her in some way. I'd like to have all of you to myself; the other girls are getting in the way, so they must be removed from the game.
You get what I'm saying now, don't you? I am neither an angel nor the devil; please do not misinterpret my actions or my intentions. I'm doing my absolute best because I adore you. Soon, it will just be you and me, finally together at last.