8x14 - episode gaps
"Hey, I forgot to ask, what did Voight want to talk to you about before?" Jay asked as they drove home that evening. He hadn't actually forgotten. In fact, he had been dying to ask her, especially when she had come back inside and seemed to want to look anywhere but at Jay. And the way Voight looked at Hailey every time she spoke throughout the case, Jay could tell something had gone down between the two of them, and he couldn't help but feel to blame. It wasn't the first time in their partnership that Hailey had sided with Jay when he would let his emotions interfere with a case, but for some reason, this time felt different.
Hailey quietly contemplated how to answer Jay's question. She knew she wasn't going to be able to avoid it forever, especially as they had driven into the district together that morning and would be driving home together that night.
"He asked me what happened, why I rushed to back you up when I should have known we had time to wait for the plates to come back," Hailey started.
"You followed your gut, same as me," Jay countered, in disbelief that Voight would ask that of her. Jay knew the effect Voight's words of concern could have on the psyche and he wanted to reassure Hailey that she had done the right thing. That she was just looking out for Tolan and wanted to make sure he didn't get killed for getting involved with the police.
"Yeah, that's what I told him," Hailey agreed, but Jay could tell she was still holding back. He pulled into Hailey's parking lot, finding a spot and killing the engine before turning to look at her expectantly.
"Hailey, you've been avoiding me since your talk so I can't imagine that's all that was said," Jay finally said, seeing she needed a little more coaxing.
Hailey sighed but relented. She had been working on not shutting Jay out since that day she had run off when he had first told her he loved her and then he had still stuck by her. "He told me he didn't think it was my gut I was following so much as my heart." Hailey finally turned to look at Jay, leaning her head back against the headrest as she watched him process. His mind was reeling. That was not at all where he thought her conversation with Voight had gone.
"So he knows?" Jay asked. They had agreed very early in their relationship to keep things private and not tell anyone at work, including Voight. It had mostly been at Hailey's request that they had continued that way. Jay would have gladly fessed up.
"He asked if we were a thing," Hailey answered, looking away from him again. "I didn't really answer, but basically he accused me of letting my relationship with you cloud my judgment on the job."
"Hailey, screw that, your judgment is fine," Jay said, getting heated now at the thought of Voight saying this to her. "Hailey, you are a great cop." Hailey shrugged in response, clearly not very convinced by his words. He reached his hand across the console to rest on her thigh and she looked up from her lap at him.
"Thank you," Hailey said, appreciating his attempts to bolster her confidence. "Come on, I'm starving."
Jay reluctantly let his hand drop from her leg as she climbed down from the truck, slowly following her out of the car and into the building. They settled with making sandwiches for dinner, not very many other options available in the apartment, and Jay tried to talk about anything but work. He could tell that Hailey was still distracted though, even as she tried to happily engage in discussing their dinner over the weekend and Jay's past encounters with Marco the bartender. Her smiles never reached her eyes.
They got ready for bed quietly that night, Jay sitting up under the covers and fiddling with his watch while Hailey finished up in the bathroom and then crossed over to her dresser. She put some clothes away and then pulled her hair from her ponytail before turning around to face him.
"What if Voight was right?" she finally asked, unable to continue avoiding the topic that was eating at her mind. "What if I did take your side because of us?" She gestured between the two of them.
"I got nothing but respect for Voight," Jay replied, setting his watch down on the nightstand. "But, Hailey, he's out of line here. I made a judgment call, you backed me up, and we've been working that way for years now." He was so sure of his words that Hailey wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe that she was acting the same way she would have before they were dating, just backing up her partner.
"I don't know," Hailey confessed her uncertainty for the first time that night. "I moved on instinct. I don't know what instinct." She threw her arms up in confusion.
Jay felt frustrated that his words didn't seem to be reassuring her. He didn't want her grappling with this, especially when things had finally been going so well in their relationship. "I'm gonna talk to Voight in the morning," he said. He wanted to set the record straight with their boss. Tell him that it was his call and Hailey was just being a good partner by backing him up. Their personal relationship had nothing to do with it. They were just doing what good partners did: trusting each other's instincts.
"No," Hailey immediately argued. "Let's keep our personal life private." It was bad enough in her mind that Voight thought her relationship was getting in the way of her doing her job, but to then have her boyfriend turn around and go defend her honor? No way would she let Jay do that. If Voight thought their private relationship was an issue then she wanted their relationship at work to become purely professional, and that definitely could not include Jay getting into it with Voight about how he spoke to Hailey.
"He's the one that went there first, Hailey," Jay quipped back, and she knew that was what he would say.
"I know," she said, holding up a hand to calm him as she started walking towards him. "I get it," She climbed up onto the bed, kneeling in front of him as he leaned towards her, propping himself up on an elbow. "But look, this whole work/relationship thing is a little bit confusing for me, so... Maybe we just need to set better boundaries. No more coming into work at the same time. No more physical contact in the bullpen." She hated the way he looked at her when the words came out of her mouth but she didn't want to lie to him. She loved Jay and she loved working with him, but she couldn't deny that it was becoming hard to separate the personal from the professional lately. They spent all day at work together and then went home together and there was no clear separation anymore between their home life and work life. Maybe Voight was right, maybe she backed up Jay today because she loved him and wanted to support him after he had supported her through her recent struggles.
Jay contemplated her words, wondering if he should argue that being together made them better partners. But he knew that, as much as he and Hailey seemed to be able to read each other's minds, they still thought about things very differently. They were compatible, sure, but that didn't mean that everything was always perfect between them at work. On the one hand, Jay led with emotion in everything he did and he wasn't afraid to share that emotion with her and everyone else on the team. Hailey on the other hand, tended to be more closed off. She could open up when she wanted to, but for the most part, she kept things very private at work, and even at home. She had gotten much better with Jay over the course of their relationship, but she still struggled with it in a way that Jay never did. So as much as he didn't want to hear it, he couldn't argue the fact that separating things may be better for Hailey.
"Okay," he finally agreed, knowing she needed this.
She gave him a weak smile in response. She knew he would do this for her because she was being open about her feelings and insecurities about their relationship, something he continued to encourage in her.
"I'm sorry," she said. She felt some relief at this decision, but a little sad, too. She loved what they had and she was scared that by separating one aspect of their lives she would somehow end up pushing him away.
Hailey suddenly felt his hand on hers and that small contact was the most soothing action he could have taken.
"I get it," Jay said, trying to convince her with his words and his actions that he meant it. "It's okay." With his words and the gentle rubbing of his thumb across Hailey's knuckles, he hoped to convey that he was okay with doing what she needed them to do at work as long as nothing between them changed at home. She squeezed his hand in return, silently thanking him, once again, for supporting her when she struggled in their relationship. Truthfully, Jay felt grateful that Hailey hadn't gotten scared off by Voight finding out about their relationship. Ever since Hailey had asked him to keep things private, he had worried that Voight finding out might mean the end of their relationship because of Hailey's insecurities. He was pleasantly surprised and very grateful to be proven wrong.
Hailey finally released his hand with one final squeeze and a smile, twisting to turn off the light and climb under the covers with him. With his arms wrapped tightly around her Hailey fell asleep with the reassurance that they would be okay.
Hailey woke up early the next morning, leaving Jay asleep in bed as she showered and got dressed for the day. She heard his alarm going off as she brushed her teeth in preparation to leave. She walked back out into the bedroom as he turned off the blaring sound, sitting up against the pillows.
"You're up early," Jay noted. Of the two of them, Jay was typically the early riser.
"Yeah, I wanted to get in early," Hailey explained. "Plus, we're staggering our arrivals so..."
"Right," Jay said, recalling their agreement from the night before. He pushed off the covers, setting his feet on the ground and standing up to stretch.
"So, I guess I'll see you at the district," Hailey said, feeling strange about leaving without him. He seemed to sense her uncertainty as he walked over to her. He stooped to kiss her, a proper morning kiss that made Hailey glad she had already brushed her teeth.
"I'll see you at work," Jay said when they finally broke the kiss. His soothing smile brought the corners of her lips up and warmed her entire chest, giving her just what she needed to turn and head to work on her own for the first time in weeks.
On a whim, she stopped by the front door, turning back to look at him as he made his way over to the coffee machine. "I love you," she called to him. He looked up in surprise and grinned back at her.
"I love you, Hailey," he replied, and with that, Hailey continued out the door smiling. After Hailey's confession a few weeks prior about how hearing those three little words brought up her past, Jay hadn't said them again, choosing instead to show her he loved her instead of using the words. This morning was the first time since that night that either one of them had said it. She hoped, by saying it today, that she was offering him an olive branch. If he was willing to separate things at work for her than she could try to be a little more open about telling him those three words that seemed entirely normal to him.
Jay arrived at work only forty-five minutes after Hailey but she had missed spending the morning with him, as evidenced by the warm smile she gave him upon their reunion. She found herself now hopeful that this separation between work and home would actually bring them closer together at home because they would enjoy their time together there so much more after keeping things purely professional at work all the time now. And her new lead on the case seemed to impress Voight so she thought things might be looking up there as well as she and Jay headed off to follow-up on it.
Any positive outlook on the day was quickly blown apart, however, on their arrival to the Sinclair house and finding that little boy murdered. Hailey was aware of herself shutting down this time, and she knew Jay had quickly zoned in on it as well. She was taking this one hard. Her mind replayed the events of yesterday over and over in her head and she couldn't help the guilt she felt rising within her for interfering with the meet yesterday. If she and Jay hadn't moved in so soon, that little boy might still be alive right now.
Hailey spent the rest of that day razor-focused on the case, barely glancing at Jay. She knew it wasn't fair of her to freeze him out like this, and yet she knew she couldn't help it. When she went home late that night, she continued working instead of going to bed, ignoring the messages coming in from Jay. She knew he was concerned about her and concerned for their relationship. This was the first night in weeks that they hadn't either driven home together or met up at her apartment when they left the district in their own cars. She couldn't deal with any distractions from him right now, though, so she pushed their relationship to the back of her mind. She needed to solve this case. It was effecting her in a way few cases ever did. She had somehow tied it together with her relationship with Jay. If she couldn't solve this case then it would be because she had let her relationship get in the way, and that would mean her relationship would have to go.
She barely slept that night, going to bed hours later than normal and getting to the district far earlier than normal so she was again the first one there. Her overnight work did land them the names of the perpetrators they were looking for, and soon she found herself next to Jay in his truck as they waited outside the pet shelter.
"What else did Voight say?" Jay asked as they sat looking out at the rain. He looked over at her, brow furrowed so she could tell he had been puzzling for a while.
"What are you talking about?" Hailey asked softly, not sure which conversation he was referring to.
"Well, I saw you guys talking at the Sinclair house," Jay clarified. "I just wanted to know what you said." She could tell this had been eating at him. She had started to shut down at the house yesterday and she had felt Jay's eyes on her as she walked away from him and over to Voight.
"We were talking about the case," she replied, trying to reassure him but also wanting to drop wherever this conversation was going. It was a distraction to get into this now and she couldn't afford to make any more mistakes with this case. He was still looking at her as though he didn't believe that was all that had been said. "I don't want to do this right now, Jay." She looked away from his sad eyes, choosing instead to look out the window for their intended target. Thankfully she spotted Miguel walking out of the shelter and they were able to return their focus to work.
Hailey didn't think it was possible for the current situation with Jay and the case to get any worse, but then that night she found Jay staring at her as he faced down an imminent officer-involved-death investigation that was entirely her fault. Of course, she tried to convince herself it wasn't. That she hadn't forced him to follow her into that house. But she knew that wasn't really true. She knew who Jay was, how he operated. She knew by choosing to go into that house that she was leaving Jay no choice. He would never let her go in without backup, even to do something he didn't agree with. That was how they worked as partners. They backed each other up no matter what.
She didn't think she would ever be able to erase his words from her mind or the look on his face as he told her that her actions had not been okay. He wasn't comfortable with lying to Voight or being put in a situation where he had to take a life. Especially in the current political climate, officer involved shootings brought a lot of eyes and a lot of questions that he would now have to answer.
Hailey stayed at the scene, processing everything long after Jay had headed home for the night. Partly, she did it to wrap up the case and make sure witnesses and cameras backed up the fact that Jay had done the right thing. But she knew she was also staying there to avoid what was going on with Jay. She knew they needed to talk, but it wasn't going to be tonight. Jay needed space and Hailey knew if she went home to her empty apartment, she wouldn't be able to sleep. So instead, she kept working, hoping that would distract her from the despair she felt over possibly ruining things with Jay again.
She drove back to the district to give Voight the paperwork even though she knew she could have given it to him in the morning. She hoped by handing him the wrapped up case she could rid herself of the guilt she had been carrying with her for days now.
"Something up, Hailey?" Voight asked as she approached him in the parking lot. The tone of his voice told her that he knew exactly what she was doing.
"Yeah, the scene's done being processed. I brought the pack for your signatures," Hailey replied, trying to sound more confident than she felt as she handed him the folder.
"Okay," Voight replied.
"Anything else?" Hailey asked. She wasn't sure why she asked that. She knew Voight handed asked her to do this. In fact, he had told her and Jay to get some rest when he left the scene, yet here she was, practically begging him to give her another task. Some new way to keep her mind off of everything going on with her and Jay and to help her get back in Voight's good graces.
"I'm good," he said, staring across at her. "We got the son of a bitch. We move on. It's been a long day. Go home."
She knew she should do as he asked, but she was rooted to the spot. She didn't know what was going to happen with her and Jay, but she knew what had been going on the last few days wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to Voight. She didn't like lying to Voight and she knew Jay didn't either.
"Umm," Hailey started, trying to figure out what she could say that would make up for the past few days. "Jay and I are together. Maybe I should have said something earlier." She glanced up at her sergeant. "Maybe it is effecting things," she confessed.
Voight hummed in response, knowing there was still more she seemed to want to get off her chest.
"I don't want to mess up the best job I've ever had," she continued. "It's the most steady thing I've had in my life the last four years. This job is intense and unpredictable, but that's what I love about it. That's what makes me feel..."
"Safe?" Voight finished for her, trace of a smile on his face. He was happy to see Hailey opening up. He could only assume Jay had a lot to do with that. Talking to Hailey about her previous relationship with Adam had been like pulling teeth. She had never wanted to admit it back then, but now here she stood telling him about her relationship and being open about her concerns with balancing that relationship and her job. Voight had seen the strain between Jay and Hailey the last few days and especially tonight. The fact that she was telling him about Jay now told him that, despite everything, she was committed to finding a balance that would allow her to continue to do her job while also continuing her relationship. That was definite growth for Hailey.
"Yeah," Hailey agreed with his word choice. She loved her job. It kept her on her toes, using all of her police skills, and she felt like she was making a difference in the city under Voight's leadership. This job had also brought her Jay, who made her feel safer than any other person ever had in her entire life. "Is that crazy?"
Voight shrugged. "Possibly, but that's what makes you good at your job." She looked at him, grateful that he still believed she was good at her job. It was that confidence he had in her that gave her the courage to say what she had been fearing would need to happen since she had first kissed Jay that night in the bar.
"Maybe, umm..." she struggled to get the words out.
"Maybe what?" Voight asked, and she suspected he knew exactly where she was going.
Hailey sighed, close to tears as she said, "Maybe I need a new partner?" She phrased it as more of a question. As much as she wanted to stay working with Jay, this case had made her realize that maybe she wasn't the best judge of that. She hadn't wanted her personal life to interfere with her job, so if it had started to, she wanted to remove the emotion from it. She would let her boss decide what was best for the unit and for the city, regardless of how much it hurt to give up that control.
He contemplated her request for a moment, but a smile still ghosted on his face. "You and Jay are a good team," he finally said. "I'm not splitting that up."
The relief Hailey felt at his words almost made the tears welling in her eyes spill over. If Voight still believed that she and Jay working together was best for the unit then she was happy to go along with that because she did love working with Jay. It was one of the aspects of the job she enjoyed the most. She just hoped that Jay still felt the same.
"I'll see you tomorrow," Voight said, tapping her on the shoulder to shake her from her reverie.
"Yeah alright," Hailey said, turning away from him. That was one relationship mended. She knew the next one would be even harder.
"Hailey," Voight called and she turned back around to face him. "Just... just be careful. I know you like to do things your own way." He had seen too many relationships in his unit go bad to let her go without a word. He loved his team and despite his tough facade, he cared deeply about their happiness. And he knew how Hailey and Jay were, both as individuals and together. He knew this relationship would either be the best thing for both of them or the worst. They both cared too deeply to be anything less.
"What does that mean?" Hailey asked as Voight took a few steps closer to her.
"It means I know you," he said. "We need Jay just the way he is." Every member of his team played a valuable role in the unit. They couldn't operate without all of them. Hailey was tough as nails, ruthless when she needed to be, but always caring. Jay on the other hand, wore his heart on his sleeve. He was the moral compass of the unit. Without both Jay and Hailey, Voight new Intelligence would never be able to keep going and do what needed to be done. But he also knew that both of them being so different at work and carrying on a relationship outside of work would make for a tough needle to thread.
Hailey walked away from him suddenly feeling a crushing self-doubt about her relationship. She didn't want to change Jay. She loved the kind of cop he was. She knew sometimes they disagreed at work but that was what made them good partners. They balanced each other out. While they certainly had a lot in common outside of work and enjoyed spending their time together, Hailey wondered if it would be possible to keep their professional differences from sowing discord in their relationship.
As Hailey drove home, she knew she was in for another sleepless night. All she wanted was to call Jay or go to his apartment to see him, but with Voight's warning ringing in her ears, she passed the turn that would have taken her there. She didn't even bother going into her bedroom when she got home. She didn't want to see the empty bed or Jay's clothes in her closet, reminding her of everything she had and everything she stood to lose. Instead, she threw herself down on the couch, flipping on the tv to a movie at random, and staring up at the ceiling as she tried to figure out what came next.
A/N: After that episode I couldn't not write about it. It was so good and so emotional. I'm scared to see what will happen with Upstead. I feel like things could be a little dicey with the way they left things and the warning Voight gave Hailey. I'm also worried that something will happen with Jay's officer involved shooting and somehow they'll find out Jay was in the house. I noticed he wasn't wearing gloves while Hailey was so there could be fingerprints or something. Can't wait to see what the last two episodes hold for Upstead. Hopefully they get a little peace and set things up for happy and together Upstead next season.