Rachel was a mess in Monday's Glee Club meeting. Her soul begged her to sing out her emotions, but she couldn't do something so risky. There was no way she'd take the chance of people knowing about her and Quinn's relationship. Or, the end of their relationship.
Rachel mostly zoned out during the solos from Mercedes and Kurt, but occasionally came back into reality to stare at Quinn's gorgeous blonde hair or glare at Puck for doing the same thing. She was furious about how emotionless Quinn seemed. She sang harmony for the solos, she clapped, she even laughed. No, she wasn't emotionless, she was happy. How could she be happy after what happened just two nights ago? Did she really not have the feelings Rachel had?
Finn approached Rachel at her locker after Glee Club to ask if she was okay, and Rachel gave him a lame excuse about late night homework and being tired. He took it at face value. He never had a lot of brains.
Quinn spent the day in agony, but she never showed her pain. From breaking her arm as an eight year old to holding in her tears while in labor, Quinn kept to her emotions to herself. But when she walked to her car after school, there stood Rachel. Leaning her back against the car, arms crossed. Quinn nearly smiled, loving how Rachel looked at her, but then remembered. They broke up.
"Did you seriously not care at all about me, Quinn?" Rachel said.
"God, lower your voice." Quinn said, and opened the passenger side door for Rachel out of her chivalrous habit. She joined her on the other side, pulling out of the parking lot to find a more private area to talk.
"Quinn, how can you act so callously? Like you don't even care. You could at least pay me an ounce of respect and look a little sad that this just ended."
"Rachel, I can't go around moping over you. People will ask questions, they'll start rumors. I need to pick myself up and find myself a guy so any suspicions people already had will dissipate."
"Did you never care about me at all?" Rachel shouted, tears falling down her cheeks. "How can you treat me like this after all we've been through together?"
"Rachel, please don't cry." Quinn undid her seatbelt and reached across the seat, wiping a tear from Rachel's face. They got lost in each other for only a moment before remembering what was happening. They jerked away from each other at the same time. "Rachel, of course I cared about you." Quinn's breathing quavered, she could barely push out the words. "I still do, actually."
Rachel leaned forward. "Then why? Why did you break up with me, why did you act like I was nothing? You've hurt me so many times, Quinn, and every time you do I feel like I can never be repaired again. But then you come back to me and you hold me and everything is okay again. You mean more to me than anything, Quinn." Rachel started to sob.
"You mean more to me than anything too." Quinn whispered, and she placed a gentle hand on Rachel's cheek. She leaned forward, closing her eyes. Rachel put her hands in her companion's hair, and their noses touched.
"Wait," Quinn said, and suddenly snapped out of it. "I still can't do this. We're still over. Just- please try to get over me, okay? I don't want you to be sad, Rachel."
"Then don't break up with me, Quinn." She left the car, slamming the door behind her.
Quinn drove home through her tears, and had to pull over a couple times. Her mom knocked on her door every hour all night, begging her to come out and talk. She just kept her face buried in pillows, taking breaks by watching Rachel's singing videos on her social media. She didn't eat, she didn't sleep, she just laid in her bed and let herself feel. She imagined how amazing it would be if she and Rachel didn't have to hide. They could cuddle in each other's beds, taking each other in and falling more in love every moment. Quinn knew Rachel was close to thinking about coming out. With her gay dads, she'd have more than enough support to keep her afloat through the town and the high school's homophobia. And she wanted that for Rachel. She wanted her to be happy and open, and Quinn couldn't do that with her.
She thought of all the times she spent with Rachel. Stealing quick looks in Glee Club, "accidentally" bumping into each other in the halls, and singing together in the choir room after hours. Meeting in diners, making out in each other's cars, holding each other and talking about everything. Months of being with Rachel, just gone. And she couldn't stand how horrible she was for breaking up with her. The guilt consumed her almost as much as the grief.
Quinn dialed her number dozens of times, and Rachel did the same on the other line. Neither went through with it, and both sobbed into their pillows all night. Quinn prayed and prayed, asking Jesus to love her despite loving Rachel, begging for forgiveness not just for her homosexual thoughts, but for hurting Rachel. And for lying. For not being true to herself.
Quinn wished she could believe God would want her to love Rachel. Some Christians still accepted gay people, but Quinn was never taught to be that way. Marriage was between a man and a woman. Divorce wasn't allowed. Except… her parents didn't stick to that.
Could it be that her religion wasn't as strict as she thought? Could she love Rachel, and love God? She fell asleep trying to figure it out, one of Rachel's headbands on the pillow next to her.
Quinn and Rachel sulked together, but apart, for the next week at school. Despite Quinn's attempts to keep everything to herself, people could tell something was off. Rachel cried openly in the school bathrooms, the dramatic star she was, and Quinn quietly breathed through heartbreak in class. The other Glee members asked Rachel what was wrong, but knew better than to ask Quinn. Rachel refused to answer. While Rachel felt almost ready to come out, she wouldn't tell anyone about the relationship. Even if Quinn wants to take the secret to her grave.
At the end of the week, Rachel appeared at Quinn's car once again, holding a small beret in her hands.
"I-" Rachel gulped, forcing herself to look at her ex. "I wanted to give this back to you. You left it in my car once, and I don't know. It felt wrong to keep it. Like I was being romantic with you without you wanting me to." She gave the beret to Quinn, who didn't even recognize it. She knew Rachel just wanted to talk.
"Do you want to go for a drive?"
"Yeah. Sure." Rachel nodded, tears in her eyes.
The two spent the drive in silence, Rachel softly sniffling. She never felt the compulsion to keep her emotions to herself. She always wanted to feel enough emotion to sing, to touch people. The way Barbra did. Feeling what she felt with her whole heart, body, and soul was the best way to do that.
Quinn let the beret sit in her lap as she drove, and she wondered if Rachel clung to this the same way she clung to her headband. Quinn hoped Rachel had held this beret at night, desperately wanting to be close to her. She felt a pang of anger and sadness at the realization that Rachel gave it back. That meant she was actually done with her.
Quinn pulled into the parking lot of an abandoned factory. No one really knew what used to be there, but it was a good place for privacy.
"I just wanted to thank you." Rachel said, and Quinn turned to her sharply. Rachel kept her gaze straight ahead. "I've always wanted to feel like I was special. You know that, everyone does, really. I'm not exactly quiet about how I feel, unlike you." She laughed sadly. "But, you really made me feel like I was special. And most of the time, when I feel special, it's fleeting. You were different, Quinn." She turned toward her. Both girls' cheeks were stained with tears. "You keep making me feel special even when you end it with me. Every time you break up with me, it's devastating. But I still know that you were with me. You chose me. And whether or not this is really the end of us, Quinn, I'll always know that Quinn Fabray wanted to be with me. That will always inspire me, and make me feel like I can be wanted."
"Rachel. I-"
"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. I understand." She reached for the door, ready to walk home, but Quinn grabbed her hand.
"No," Quinn said, her breath trembling. "I want to be with you. Rachel, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I've hurt you so many times. I've cheated on boyfriends, I've said horrible things to people, but the thing I feel most guilty about is making you feel sad. Please, if you forgive me, I promise I'll do everything to make it up-"
Rachel cut her off with a kiss. She put her hand on Quinn's shoulder, tracing a line in her skin with her thumb. Quinn laced her fingers through Rachel's hair, gently twisting it into her fingers. They smiled, then started to laugh, the tension finally breaking. "God, finally." Rachel whispered. "I almost thought you'd left me for good that time.
Quinn shook her head. "Never again, baby." She breathed. "Never again."
They kissed again, only stopping to wipe tears off Rachel's cheeks. The two grinned at each other, thrilled to be back together again. They held hands, and Rachel gently placed kisses all over Quinn's face.
"Rachel, I'm so sorry." Quinn said.
"It's okay. I know it's really hard for you to deal with this."
"No, it's not okay. I can't keep hurting you when I doubt myself. I don't know why I do this."
"Maybe you should talk to Santana, or Brittany." Rachel offered. "They've been through the same thing we're going through."
"No, I can't do that. They'll just tell me to come out, they'll tell me it's okay."
"No they won't, Quinn. They understand. They'll be kind. They won't push you. I mean, you guys are the classic trio. The Unholy Trinity."
"Do they really call us that?" Quinn laughed. "I can't tell them. I don't want to tell anyone else yet, Rachel. I want my feelings, my life, to be all yours."
"I want to be all yours too, Quinn. Maybe we can wait a little longer. Just don't break up with me in the meantime, okay?"
"I won't. I promise."