Prologue: HER
10:13 a.m.
She looks at the clock. It is almost time. She cannot believe that today has finally come. As she stands looking at herself in the full-length mirror, she smiles. After everything she has been through, all of the heartbreak and the earth-shattering tears, here she is. She sighs to herself and then smooths out the littlest crease she has made in her dress. It is white, and strapless, it is everything she ever wanted but symbolizes so much more than the reason she is wearing this dress right now. Life has been a challenge thus far, a beautiful one mostly, but it is the tragedies that she has been through that plague her mind in instances today. She thinks of her son and what he might say if he was standing here with her today. She thinks of his father and then shakes her head because she just cannot go there right now, it just hurts too much. She looks at herself again and this time she sees something a little different than before. Maybe she caught a glimpse of the subtle wrinkles that are starting to give away her aging self. Then she smiles again because she knows she's aging pretty damn well. She looks at the clock again and cannot help wondering what he might be doing right now, but she has to shake these feelings away because she notices she has a little time left to wonder that.
Soon the day will move forward, towards the result she has only dreamed about. She has always wanted this for herself but as the years went by, so did the realization that something like this might not be in the stars for her. But yet, here she is, still starring at herself, still taking in all of the emotions that are starting to flood through her. She always knew what she wanted this day to be like. What she wanted to wear and the exact location. Most of the things that she dreamed about are playing out, everything down to the last detail, well, everything except for one. She shakes her head again because time is starting to get away from her.
Soon, the older man will walk in and he will tell her it is time. Then he will look her over and tell her how beautiful she is. Soon he will take her hand in his and kiss her cheek as he leads her out of the room and accompanies her down the aisle. Soon he will give her away and he may even shed a tear because he knows mostly of the horrors that her life has been thus far. She is grateful for him, and she knows he feels the same. They have come such a long way, stayed so close. She wonders how in the world she got so damn lucky. If she is honest with herself, it is just down-right spooky.
Spooky.
She thinks about that word for a moment and cannot help but shed a couple of tears. She has been so strong up until now. She cannot help but wonder what this feeling inside of her is. Is it the familiar one that she has had for the last 25 years, or a new one that offers no shred of comfort to her? She just cannot put her finger on it. So for now she'll put the feelings aside and continue with her tasks. She puts on her necklace and then her earrings, chalking it all up to the wedding day jitters. Her smile returns when she hears a light knock on the door.
She knows everything in her life is about to change. She knows that something new and maybe exciting is waiting for her down at the end of the aisle. He is a good man. He has been nothing short of kind to her. Their first date was wonderful and so were the many after that. When he got down on one knee, she realized her dreams had not run out of time. He is nothing like "him", but he is good to her. He is there when she needs him and always comforting. She can feel that tinge of something in her stomach but has no time to research what may be going on when the older man walks through the door.
"It's time." He says and gives her that look that solidifies her earlier thoughts about his reaction. He smiles big and lightly kisses her cheek. His brow furrows a bit when he catches a different look in her eye but continues to lead her out of the room.
She thought when this day finally came that she would be nervous, but it is not nerving that she is feeling. For a brief moment she wonders if she is doing the right thing, but she chalks it is up to the fact that here she is, an armed linked with his, heading towards a more normal life.
She hears the first few notes of her walking music start to play, and her tears threaten to already make an appearance. He tightens his grip on her and she looks up and notices that his cheeks are damp from tears that have already started to fall. He looks down at her a bit of question in his eyes, but never once wavering his strength from her.
She rounds the corner, and for a moment she stops, almost tripping the older man who now has the tightest grip on her. There he is standing at the end of the aisle in his best tux and biggest smile. The way he looks at her with admiration as if she is the only other person in the room. She looks at him closely, taking in everything about him and she can tell by his cheeks, that many of his tears have already fallen.
She looks to the right of him, where she hoped that she might find the other man. The one that fills her thoughts today. He was supposed to be the one to walk her, to give her away and at last minute he declined. She could not hide her hurt, or her disappointment. Everything that she has done for him for the past couple of decades, and he could not do this for her. She tried to be angry, to curse him but in all actuality she understood. She knew he could not be the one to give her away, but it pains her to no end to know that he could not at least just show up for her. So many years they had been together. The epitome of a partnership. A man that had her back more than half her life and vice versa. The strongest bond with a man that she has ever had in her life and yet as she stares at his empty seat, her heart shatters. They had been through so much together. So many cases, so much heartache and so many tears, and that is not even scratching the surface. They shared so much happiness as well, a million laughs, a child, and a love that she thought could get them through anything.
But she was wrong.
She is pulled from her thoughts with a little tug on her arm. They need to start walking again. She offers the taller man a small apology and they begin again to descend down the aisle.
She cannot just stop these thoughts though. There is so much importance in them. They are coming at her like a freight train in the dark. Flooding her every sense. She is trying to concentrate on what is in front of her though. The man that took her out of the darkness and into the light. The man that has confessed that he has never felt the kind of love that he feels for her. The man that holds her every night and never misses a kiss good morning. The man that says that she stole his heart, but she had never uttered the same sentiment back. She wishes she could stop thinking about the other man. The one that has invaded her every thought today. She wishes that she could forget about him at least for a moment just as she had asked him to do with her. She just wishes she could let him go. This is not how today was supposed to go. This is supposed to be the happiest day of her life and yet at this very moment all she feels is guilt, pain, anguish, and most of all hurt.
She realizes that the older man feels her tighten and she sees the way he is looking at her. She curses herself because he knows her looks by now. He knows what is means when she stiffens and when her brows furrow. He knows what it means when she starts to shake uncontrollably and that little noise that she makes right before she is about to break down. He knows all of these things because he has bear witness to all of these actions from her. She wants to be invisible right now. To hide under a cloak and run. She does not have a clear destination in mind, but she does know that something about today just is not right. It is then that her mind drifts from the man starring adoringly at her to the other man that she wishes would get out of her thoughts.
There is not a clear time period of where the lines of partner, best friends and lovers had started to blend. They had always had something special. A cosmic spark that had ignited the first time she stepped foot in that drafty basement office. A spark that followed them wherever they went, whether they were in the same room or not. She wonders if it is that same spark that was their undoing. She wanted more for them, but she understood that he gave her everything that he could at the time. She did not want to chase monsters and conspiracies anymore. She wanted to settle down, get her chance at being a wife, and even a mother again, if God would allow it. She pushed him, she laid everything down on the line, she gave up everything for him, but he just could not do the same for her. She had to get out of the darkness, she could not stand what it did to her, or what it did to him. She only ever saw a life with him and for some reason, she had to walk away, to discover if there was another life out there waiting for her. Even if it meant that he would not be by her side.
Her thoughts are flooding her like a ton of bricks. Permeating her every sense. What is she thinking? How could she honestly think that two decades of love for him could just be replaced by another man's admission of dying love for her. She comes to her most basic realization; he had always been her little bit of spooky and she had always just been his.
The aisle walk is getting shorter, a few more steps and she and him will come face to face. Her emotions are starting to take over. This day thus far has been the fairytale that she has dreamed about and yet one element of the day threatens to tear it all to pieces. This is supposed to be her time. Her chance to become the main character in this beautiful story book of life that she had pictured so long ago. To be the one to finally say "I do" to her prince. But those are not the thoughts in her mind at all. This moment is nothing at all like she had dreamed. She wonders if she has just been tranced by the mere chance at catching a glimpse of what a normal life would be. What is she doing to herself? This is her. This is not at all the way she pictured her life. These are not the feelings that she thought she would feel as she walked down the aisle to a man that would do anything for her. It is in that instance that everything finally falls into place for her.
As she sees it, she has two choices. She can finish that last step and no doubt have the luxury of a normal life outside of the darkness. She can finally have those things that she had denied herself in the past, or…
One last step and they have made it. A journey down a short aisle that has been almost a lifetime in the making. The older man untangles their arms and pecks her right cheek. He knows that look in her eyes, and she swears she sees him nod his head as he walks away to take up the empty seat that is placed next to her brother. She watches as they smile at each other and her attention goes back to the man now standing directly in front of her. His tears are visibly streaming down his cheeks as he holds his hand out for hers. He tells her how much he loves her and how there is no one else as beautiful as she is. She looks up at him and says nothing, she feels numb and confused and nothing like she wants to be feeling right now. He squeezes her hand and gives her a bit of a confused look. He knows that something is up but only offers her assurance that everything will be ok.
The feelings will not stop. They are rushing in quick. An adrenaline high like she has never felt before, at least not with the man that is standing right in front of her. The type of high that had always made her feel alive, and unearthly, but above all else unconditionally loved. She cannot deny it any longer. She cannot pretend that the last year has been the best of her life. If she tried to believe that lie any longer, it would consume her, much like her thoughts of today already have. She tried so hard, oh god she tried hard to move on. This past year has proven the fact that she tried. She knew that moving on with someone else would not end their partnership, at least not from a work standpoint. They both agreed that they would always be there for each other, through everything.
Everything.
At that realization she turns away.
"Dana."
She faintly hears her name being called, but she does not go towards it. She cannot do that any longer. She cannot follow her head anymore; she has to follow her heart. She will offer the other man the sincerest of apologies for leaving him at the altar like that and she knows she will also owe him the grandest of explanations. She knows she will have to be honest and will have to explain to him that these feelings didn't just surface today. She will have to come clean to him that she has been feeling them for months. But if she is absolutely honest, she has felt them since the day she asked her partner to let her go. She thought that's what she needed but she also thought that was what he needed. She didn't want to let them go, she thought she was doing what was best for him. She thought that her strict rationalism and science would just hold him back. The stares are starting to pierce her being. She has to get out of the light, it is blinding her right now. All of her emotions are transfixed on getting out of this blistering state of mind that she is currently in. She needs to find comfort, actually she would settle for anything that would get her out of her present predicament. She's not proud of herself, who would be for causing somebody else pain. She shouldn't have ran. The rational person that is still inside of her knows that. She should have been the better person and told the other man about her true feelings. But she did not, she did the only thing that felt right in the moment. She gave him an apologetic look and she ran.
She still running, out of the venue, down the sidewalk and across the street. She silently thanks the many different cases that they were on with which she had to run in heels. Her past field training is definitely coming in handy right now.
Time passes as she picks up speed. She has been running for what seems like hours now. Her feet hurt and her calves are starting to seize. Her breathing is starting to become staggered and her chest is on fire. She does not stop though instead she looks around; the surroundings are starting to become more familiar; she knows exactly where she will end up. Its where she should have been the whole time, its where her heart never left, it is where he is. Another mile and she find herself at the gate. The one that he insisted on putting in as an added safety precaution. He always had her safety in mind.
She opens it and walks-through, making sure to lock it back. She pauses for a moment wondering if she even deserves him anymore. She wonders if he even still has a place for her left. She knows she put him through so much. She knows she caused him so much heartache and in return caused herself the same. She wonders for a moment if she should just turn around.
But she doesn't. Instead she walks the last half mile to her destination. To that familiar place where she always felt she belonged. To the place that they first collectively called home. To the place and the man that she knew still held her heart. How could she possibly have ever thought she could give someone else something that she no longer held In her possession? He's always had it. It was nonrefundable non-returnable; it has just always been his. She wish she could've saved everyone the hard ache and the confusion and figured this out a while ago. She wishes she could go back in time and tell him not to let go but instead to keep holding on. She wishes she wouldn't have been so selfish because she knows the love that he has for her or had for her for that matter was something she would never feel from another person.
She has finally reached the door and all of the lights are off. She thinks for a moment maybe she should just leave him be. However, she knows she can't do that for his benefit as much as it is for hers. So she takes the next step, and knocks lightly on the door. There is no answer, she turns the handle on the door noticing that it is not locked. She quietly opens it and hesitates just for a moment before quietly stepping inside. When she steps fully through the door her heart stops because there, he is making his way down the stairs towards her. She smells the alcohol. She sees his undeniable pain. She knows that all of this is her fault. She will owe him an explanation as well and he will deserve nothing less, but for now she just needs to feel him. She needs to feel the comfort of his arms around her, she needs his being to ground hers. She needs his strength because God knows she's about to crumble. He looks at her puzzling and yes she knows he deserves an explanation right now…she knows this. But only a few words spill from her mouth before she crashes into him and those familiar arms take her in again.
"I couldn't do it, he wasn't you."
She does not look up for his reaction. She knows by the way that he is holding her that he understands everything that she has told him. She does not know where things will lead past what is happening here, but what she does know is for this moment in time she is finally back where she supposed to be.
Home.