Chapter 2 - McGee
It's been months since Tony left. Bishop looks like she's struggling with the loss of her mentor, and how to navigate the new normal. I think the notion is beginning to set in that there's no such thing as normal with this team, or its' dynamics. Sometimes, I quietly wonder if she'll be the next to go.
We still don't know exactly why Tony left. We talk to him from time to time, but the topic of his resignation is off limits. Gibbs is all "business as usual" and doesn't bring it up either. We get the impression it wouldn't be well received if we asked.
Those rare times at NCIS when Tony comes up in conversation, it's never when Gibbs is nearby. Talk ends abruptly if we see Gibbs approach. Unsurprisingly, he's aware anyway, and tries to avoid eye contact. As if 15 years on his team meant nothing at all, Gibb is content to act as though Tony never existed.
He doesn't always pull it off. When Gibbs does finally meet our eyes, there's both challenge and guilt in the look. As if he knows he's the reason Tony left, but dares anyone to mention it aloud.
In spite of that pretense, Gibbs still can't quite break long-ingrained habit. Tony's been gone for months but he's still so undeniably present. Gibbs looks for Tony across the bullpen and in the field, and at times, he seems surprised to find me in Tony's place. Other times he looks frustrated; even angry, and I just return the look in kind.
Gibbs isn't the only one with the long-ingrained habits. I listen and wait expectantly when I've stuck my foot in my mouth yet again or left a conversational opening Tony would normally pounce on with his quick wit. There's only awkward silence and it hits home all over again…he's not here.
I look for Tony on cases too, especially when my own lack of confidence has me questioning how well I can fill his shoes. I struggle with things he did effortlessly and instinctively. Sometimes I call him and even though he teases me about the impromptu "campfire" by phone, Tony always listens and offers advice when asked.
Mostly I'm finding my own way, no thanks to Gibbs. Sometimes I'm angry and resentful enough that I want to demand Gibbs explain why Tony left us with virtually no notice or explanation. But you don't force the issue with Gibbs.
Gibbs has never been one to tell us anything he didn't think we needed to know, even when he should have. Especially when he should have. Considering what Gibbs tried to keep from us during the joint case with the DEA, and his connection to Agent Mitchell, maybe Tony finally had enough of that less than flattering character trait.
Apparently, he's not the only one.
The rift between Gibbs and Tony hit a point of no return during that last case, but now with Tony gone, it's taken up residence between Gibbs and Ducky. I suspect Ducky knows exactly what Tony's tipping point was; and if he does, it would account for the frosty state of his and Gibbs' decades-long friendship.
I've seen Ducky, Tony, and Gibbs at odds various times before. They always resolved it somehow, but this falling out is different. It wasn't just because of Gibbs' secretiveness; Tony left because Gibbs crossed some line. I don't know what it was; only that for Tony, it was irrevocable.
Maybe its better we don't know what happened, because if we did know, it might be irrevocable for us too. Maybe not knowing is what makes it possible for the rest of us to stay on Gibbs' team, and that's why the three of them don't talk about it.
In my anger and confusion at the suddenness of Tony's resignation, I briefly questioned his loyalty. I can see now that wasn't what I should be questioning. The more time that passes, the more I wonder whether Gibbs deserves loyalty.
From any of us.