I specified this in my last story, but I'm not so conceited as to believe that everyone has seen that, so I'll say it again here:
The narrator of this story is a separate, in-universe entity to the author (myself), who is out-of-universe. This remains true even if it seems otherwise, such as with the narrator referencing something contained in these notes. Like all of the characters, the narrator is nothing more than a vessel for the jokes; the things it says and the opinions it expresses are not representative of my own. I don't expect anything controversial to come up, but you never know.
CHAPTER 2: Guess I'll Die
"I cant lose two in one day," the invader says to herself as she jumps off his windowsill, knocking the cans of Sahara Sarah's Desert Dry Ginger-Aid outside to fall to the ground, "They'll fire me for sure."
She begins walking to Ichigo's closet, oblivious to his warnings until he kicks her over and-Wait. How did he do that? Aren't spiritual beings supposed to be intangible? How does being able to see and hear them automatically equate to being able to hit them?
Regardless, it gets her attention.
"What was that fo-Kaien?" she says wide-eyed.
"Cayenne? Like the pepper?"
"No, nothing," she says, rising, "What do you want?'
"I'm trying to tell you not to go in there."
"So you decided to kick me?"
"Nothing else was getting your attention."
"How are you even seeing me? You're human, aren't you?"
"What's that supposed to mean? Are you implying you're not?"
"I'm a Shinigami," she says proudly.
Kurosaki Clinic: Exterior
"Ow. My head," a Hollow says, rubbing the aforementioned. Looking around for the source of its injury, it spies a partial six-pack of Sahara Sarah's Desert Dry Ginger-Aid on the ground.
Surmising that it fell from somewhere, the Hollow looks around until it sees the open window and two humans inside, arguing.
"Rude," it says, getting up from the ground. It resolves to repay this by eating whoever dropped the Sahara Sarah's Desert Dry Ginger-Aid on its head.
Taking a brief look around the house, the Hollow finds the front door.
Kurosaki Clinic: Ichigo's Room
"I want to be a Shinigami," Ichigo says, "And I want you to teach me how."
"And why would I do that?" the Shinigami, now known as Rukia asked, "The only way you'll be able to make use of anything I can teach you is if you become a Shinigami and let's be real, that's not happening."
"You killed my Pokemon. You owe me."
"What the h*ll is a 'Pokemon'?"
Their conversation continues in this vein, but the story can't actually go forward until Rukia acquiesces, so she ultimately does.
Kurosaki Clinic: Kitchen
Karin is in the kitchen holding a silver bowl and a silver bladed knife with a spiral-carved, black wooden handle. The chickens she took from Ichigo's room earlier are nowhere to be seen, however. I wonder what happened-Oh.
Kids these days are brutal.
Kurosaki Clinic: Ichigo's Room
"...and a powerful Shinigami exerts a great deal of spiritual pressure-"
"'Spiritual pressure'?" Ichigo says, "Like, 'If your chakras aren't open you're a loser' or 'Everyone who's anyone has a Ouija board'?"
"I don't know what that is, but-"
"I'm saying 'Spiritual Pressure' is a stupid name."
"You're a stupid name," Rukia shoots back, "Look, they call it 'Reiatsu' at the Academy, but if I use that you will get it confused with Reishi and Reiryoku and I'm not going to explain it to you a hundred times. Now, Shinigami are charged with protecting the Living World from Hollows..."
Kurosaki Clinic: Living Room
Phasing through a wall into the living room, the Hollow looks around for whoever dropped that six-pack of Sahara Sarah's Desert Dry Ginger-Aid on its head. It pauses in its search to ponder how exactly it knows what the cans are. It's almost as if it's compelled by some otherworldly force to think those words every time the drink is mentioned.
The Hollow abandons this train of thought whenever it sees a human walk into the living room with a bowl of some sort. This probably isn't the one it's looking for, but is a decent appetizer. It creeps up behind the human slowly, and reaches out.
Kurosaki Clinic: Ichigo's Room
"...and we use a method known as Konsō to send spirits to the afterlife," Rukia says, demonstrating by raising her blade to the head of the ghost that I totally remembered was there the entire time. She brings the bottom of the weapon down onto the ghost's forehead and when she lifts it, there's a stamp.
"Bless you Shinigami," the ghost says, fading away.
"And that's how you-"
"Why, God, why?" the ghost cries as it returns in a bright flash, the mark on its forehead replaced with another that says 'Postage Due'.
"D*mn it. I knew I should have renewed that stamp before I left," she says.
"Wait, you're a Shinigami?" Ichigo asks, falling to the floor and scrambling around for something.
"You catch on quick, don't you?" Rukia deadpans, "What are you doing?"
"I'm looking for your notebook. The one that kills people when you write their name in it."
"I don't have anything like-Wait. Is that why people have been writing names in my diary?!"
"Found it!" Ichigo declares, picking up a notebook from the ground.
"Don't touch that! Give it back!"
And thus begins a short chase around the room wherein the two run in a circle while the demons in Ichigo's closet play wacky saxophone music. This continues until Rukia decides she no longer has time for it.
"Sai!" she says, pointing her index and middle fingers at Ichigo.
Ichigo stops and waits for several seconds, but nothing happens.
"What was that?" he asks.
"That was a Kidō," Rukia says, snatching the book back, "It's supposed to bind you."
"Oh," Ichigo says, shaking his limbs to check for mobility, "You must not be very good at it, then."
"I was the best in my class!"
Before anymore hijinks can ensue, because we've pretty much filled our quota so any more would just be wasted, a loud roar resounds through the house.
"Ichigo!" Yuzu calls, running into his room, "There's a Hobo in the Living Room!"
Having served her purpose for this scene, Yuzu then passes out on the steps. Her Terribly Inconvenient Narcolepsy would have caused her to pass out in the Living Room because that is ostensibly the worst place right now, but the experimental treatment prevented that, so it has to settle for giving her a mild backache from sleeping on the stairs.
"Wow. That is one mad hobo," Ichigo says as he hears the roar.
"That was a Hollow, idiot."
"Oh? Is that what they sound like-Wait a minute," Ichigo jumps up, "That's a Hollow! What are you wasting time here for? You're supposed to be hunting that thing!"
"Wha-You're the one who made me-You know what? Forget it," Rukia says, rushing down the steps with Ichigo not far behind.
Kurosaki Clinic: Living Room
Ichigo emerges from the stairway, being careful to sidestep his sister, and sees Rukia already clashing with a humanoid monster sporting a bone mask and a large, black body with a hole in its chest.
"Hey, have you seen Karin?" Ichigo asks.
"I don't know who that is," Rukia says, struggling to hold back the Hollow.
"She's my sister. Short, dark hair, might be a vamp-"
"Will you please let me focus?!"
"Stop ignoring me!" the Hollow roars, backhanding Rukia away. She knocks over a silver bowl and impacts a wall.
"Oh, God. I'm bleeding," she says, holding her shoulder.
"Not very good at this either, are you?" Ichigo says, walking to the kitchen to retrieve a can of Sahara Sarah's Desert Dry Ginger-Aid and a pen.
"You think you can do better?"
"A Shinigami," the Hollow says, "Such a rare delicacy."
"Maybe. Hey!" Ichigo says, grabbing the Hollow's attention, "Go back to Kingdom Hearts,"
It opens its mouth to roar something, probably about how the Bleach manga was released a year before Kingdom Hearts so it technically came first, but we'll never know because Ichigo throws the can into the Hollow's mouth and it crunches down on reflex, something that could generously be called 'liquid' exploding out in all directions.
"Oh, God. That's...so dry," the Hollow gasps, clutching its throat, "Is that...Weet-bix?"
"I don't know what that is, but if it gets you to leave, then yes."
"I was going to kill the Shinigami first," the Hollow rasps, as it steps toward Ichigo, "But now I think-"
It slips on a puddle of Sahara Sarah's Desert Dry Ginger-Aid and falls into it, the desiccant effects instantly dehydrating the musculature there.
"Ah! Cramp!" the Hollow cries, writhing on the ground.
"Ichigo," Rukia says weakly, holding up her sword, "Come here. I'm going to make you a Shinigami."
"Awesome!" Ichigo says, rushing to her side, "What do I have to do? Just take your sword or-"
"I have to stab you."
"...Excuse me?"
"We don't have time to waste, Ichigo! The Hollow is already recovering," Rukia says, "Get down here so I can stab you."
"How do I know you're not just trying to get one more kill before you die? Because that's totally something I could see you doing."
"If I have to come up there I'm stabbing you twice!"
"I have a better idea," Ichigo says, grabbing her diary.
"Don't you do it!"
"Hey!" he calls to the Hollow, "What's your name?'
"Ichigo!" Rukia warns.
"I...am Fishbone D! Mine will be the last name you hear before you are devoured," it boasts from where it lay on its side, "As soon as I get up."
"Yeah, sure," Ichigo says, preparing to write the name. Before he can touch the pen to the paper however, the paralysis Kidō Rukia cast earlier finally takes effect and Ichigo falls right onto her sword.
"Ah! My liver!"
"Not how I planned, but I'll take it," Rukia says, pouring her power into her blade.
"Now, you're in for it," the recovered Hollow says, rising just in time to be blinded as Ichigo glows with a bright golden light. The Hollow recoils and the force of the Kidō breaking as the transformation begins knocks it back into the puddle.
As Ichigo assumes the form of a Shinigami, the sword shifts with him. Rukia marvels at the amount of Reiatsu he must be exerting to produce a Zanpakuto of this size, the blade growing twice as long and wide.
Unfortunately, it does so while still embedded in him.
"Oh, God. This is worse! This is so much worse!" Ichigo says, getting up and seeing his body laying still, "Oh, my God, you killed me!"
Ichigo's takes off running back to his room, passing by the blinded Hollow and smacking it into the puddle once more with his new Gainsborough piercing. Unable to see Rukia, it decides to pursue Ichigo instead.
Feeling it closing in fast, Ichigo hurries into his room, throws his closet door open, and dives to the ground, turning to the side so as to avoid agitating the giant sword sticking out of him.
Less than a second later, the Hollow bursts in behind him, blindly running forward until it reaches the closet threshold, whereupon several giant, shadowy hands wrap around it and pull it in, the sound of screaming growing increasingly distant as time passes.
Kurosaki Clinic: Living Room
Rukia sits against the wall and waits for the shock of her injuries to wear off so the pain can set in. After several minutes she still feels nothing, so she checks her injuries again.
"Wait, this isn't my blood," she says, "Where did it come from?"
Realizing that she's fine, aside from being weak from having lost her power, she rises and goes to Ichigo's room. Walking through the doorway, she finds him lying on the ground complaining about how the sword only reverted after he removed it.
"Any chance I can get some of that power back?" she asks him.
"After you killed me?"
"You're not dead, you baby," Rukia says, rolling her eyes, "I just separated your soul from your body."
"Uh-huh. You know who else has their soul separated from their body? Dead people!" Ichigo says, sighing and shaking his head, "Does it have to be you that does the Konsō thing, or can I get someone I trust not to send me to the Shadow Realm?"
"You can go back to your body. And what's a Shadow Realm?"
"Really?" Ichigo asks, "How?"
"I...don't know. I might have slept through that part of class. I have an idea, though."
"Don't you dare suggest stabbing me again."
CHAPTER 2 END