She couldn't get her hands to stop shaking. Even when she gripped them together in her lap, her leg would start bouncing. The nerves were too much. It all felt like too much, and maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe the bad idea was the choice she'd made two years ago. She deserved any anger or resentment she got from Derek going forward, deserved for him to hate her completely, and she'd just take it. She'd been wrong. She never should have kept this from him, and she never should have kept Abigail from her father. If anything, her daughter deserved her father around.
She picked up her coffee, taking a long sip as she glanced out the window of the café where she'd arranged to meet him at over text that morning. She wasn't just nervous about seeing him again, and having to come clean with him, she was anxious to be away from Abigail for so long after the long flight to get to Seattle, but she'd had to do this as soon as she feasibly could. She had left her with her mom and Richard while she came to meet Derek, thinking it would be better this way. If he did end up being angry, or decided he wanted nothing to do with them, Abigail didn't need to witness that.
She loved her daughter, she wanted to give Abigail the world, anything she could dream of, and it killed her that Derek didn't know, even though it was a self-inflicted pain. It killed her that she hadn't had the guts to tell him, to not have the guts to even send an email or make that phone call. That's all it would've taken, and things could've been so different. But the longer she'd left it, the harder it had felt to do. She'd made so many excuses in the past, and she couldn't do that anymore. She hadn't wanted to have to leave England and come back to Seattle, give up her fellowship, but she also didn't want to make him feel pressured into uprooting his whole life to move with her.
Even Cristina had been against her on this one. She'd tried to convince her to call Derek about Abigail and any chance she'd gotten and had never kept it a secret that she didn't approve of Meredith's secret. She still supported her decision and had kept her word to not say anything to Derek, as anyone's person would do, but she had never been happy about it.
She had to face her own fears and finally do the right thing, no matter how late in the game it was. She had always planned on telling him somehow, not that she'd ever been able to come up with a reasonable scenario in which to do so. The situation with Ellis had practically forced her hand. Coming back to Seattle… there was no way anyone, least of all Derek, wouldn't suspect who Abigail's father was once they saw her. She'd definitely rather he heard it from her than the gossip mill that was Seattle Grace, or even just by seeing Abigail himself.
She set her coffee back down on the small table as she caught sight of Derek through the window, walking down the street to the coffee shop. He wore the light blue button down that she'd always loved, and he looked relaxed in the afternoon sun. She hated that she was probably about to change his whole life within the next fifteen minutes. His hair was held as perfectly as she'd remembered, and she bit her lip slightly, a rush of memories coming back to her. She looked down at her hands just as she thought he'd made eye contact with her, and she heard the small chime of the door opening, making her look up again.
She wrapped her hands around the warm mug of coffee again, if only to steady them as she took a breath, and he clearly spotted her sat at the table, an indiscernible look in his eyes. She brought the mug to take sip, trying to hide her involuntary smile. She couldn't deny how amazing it felt to be finally seeing him again, even under the circumstances.
"Meredith," he breathed, standing beside the table, one hand on the chair opposite her.
"Derek," she smiled up at him as she set her mug back down again, "I, uhm… sit down, I was going to order you a coffee, but I wasn't sure if you still took it the same, or even drank it, so…"
"It's okay, I'll just go grab one. Do you want anything?" he smiled at her and she felt immediately guilty.
"I'm okay," she shook her head slightly and he nodded, heading over to the counter.
Her eyes didn't leave him back as she watched him, still in some sort of disbelief that she was in Seattle, that she was seeing him again. There was a time when she thought she'd never see him again. It's not that she ever stopped loving him, she couldn't stop, she saw him in Abigail every single day. In her expression, in her behaviour, in her smile, in her eyes. She had to accept that despite everything that had come to pass between them, she loved him. Without Derek there would have been no Abigail, and Meredith couldn't even begin to fathom the possibility of a future that hadn't held daughter.
He turned with his coffee and she quickly looked away, focusing on the dark liquid in her mug instead of watching him. He returned to the table, taking the seat across from her and setting the mug down on the table. She looked up with a small smile, reaching the peak of her nervousness.
"So… how are you? How've you been?" she asked him.
"I'm good, yeah," he nodded, sipping at his coffee with a shrug, "Same old, same old. How're you?"
"I'm okay, just a bit jet-legged," she laughed slightly, out of nerves more than anything, as she took a sip of coffee again.
"I can imagine," he chuckled slightly, "So… you said we needed to talk, and I think that's best, before you start back at the hospital."
"Oh," she frowned slightly, "I don't think… we might be talking about slightly different things."
"I thought you meant about working together, after everything, clear the air, or… I don't know. I haven't heard from you in two years, and you asked me not to contact you, that was the right thing to do, wasn't it? You're not angry or upset that I didn't try?" he frowned back at her.
"No! I'm not upset with," she rushed out in disbelief, "I told you not to, I'm not upset that you didn't reach out, or contact me. That's all on me."
"Oh, good, I was worried… I guess, it upset me that you didn't contact in two years, but I understand your need to start fresh. I understand your reasons for leaving, and I still support you with that," he told her.
"I'm sorry. I know…" she trailed off, avoiding his gaze as she bit her lip slightly.
"What is it? Is everything okay? You're not sick or anything, are you?" he continued to frown in confusion, and it broke her heart.
She had to tell him now. She bit her lip harder, closing her eyes a moment, opening them as she faced him. She pulled out her phone and set it on the table in front of her. She knew her wallpaper was her and Abigail, she just needed to tell him, to show him their daughter. Show him how amazing she was.
"No, I'm not… I'm good, healthy and… good," she assured him with a nod, taking a breath before she continued, "It's… god, it's something I should've told you two years ago, and I feel awful and terrible, but it's the most amazing… she's the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, and I should've told you, I know I should've told you so much sooner, and I'm so sorry."
"Okay, slow down, I haven't had to decipher a Meredith ramble in quite a while," he joked with a slight smirk, "Told me what?"
"I really don't know how," she sighed softly, glancing down at her phone and turning it to face him, showing him the picture of Abigail and herself, on their last visit to the duck pond nearby where thy used to live back in England, "This is Abigail."
"Oh," he exhaled as he studied the picture, a frown forming on his face as his eyes softened, "Meredith, she's…"
"She's… amazing. Derek, she's your daughter," she whispered, taking the phone back.
"What… Meredith," he looked up at her now, confusion plain on his face, "What are you talking about?"
"She's out daughter, Derek," she said quietly, feeling herself starting to get choked up, "She's 18 months old."
"You… you had our baby, our… my daughter, and you didn't tell me?" his voice dropped as he sat back in his chair, having leant forward to look at the picture, and she didn't fully recognise the expression in his eyes, a mixture of anger, and hurt, and something else.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I hate that I never told you, that I always talked myself out of telling you. She's amazing, Derek. You deserve to know… I should've told you as soon as I'd found out."
"I… I don't know what to say," he murmured, looking at her but she could tell he wasn't really seeing her, in his own mind, clearly reeling from the information she'd just given him, his eyes starting to tear up, "I mean, I… we have a daughter. I'm her father. I can meet her, right? I can't… you didn't bring her with you."
"She's with Ellis and Richard. I didn't know how you'd react. I couldn't… she knows who you are, Derek. She recognises you, your voice, she knows you're her father. If you walked away, or got angry… she doesn't need to be here for that," she took a steadying breath, trying to hold back the tears she felt threatening an appearance.
"I'm not walking away," he frowned slightly, running his fingers through his hair, "I might need time to… process, but I'm not walking away."
"I get that you need to process, I know I've sprung this on you with absolutely no warning and probably turned your life upside down, and I'm not asking you for anything, she has everything she could ever want, and my mom sorted somewhere for us to live. You can take your time," she explained, her words slightly rushed.
"Do you… can you send me pictures?"
"Yeah, I can… I'll send you an email with some, I have albums at home, though. From the start, I recorded everything. I want you to know her, I do. I want her to have you in her life. I'll send you my new number, and address, for when you're ready to meet her, if you want to…" she trailed off.
"I want to meet her; I definitely want to… I just, I feel like I need to prepare myself, or just… make sense of it all," he took another breath, looking at her properly now, "Why didn't you… you could've called, or sent an email… I could've been there for you, for her, for both of you."
"I don't know, I… I was in denial for so long, and then it snowballed and, I…" she paused as a lump formed in her throat, and she tried her best not to breakdown in front of him, this wasn't her space to be upset about this, "Another time, I have to get going, and I want to try and explain it all to you somehow, but it's a long story and… I have two weeks before I start back at the hospital, so we have time, we can talk and figure things out, and you can come and see her whenever, well reasonably whenever. You should go and process, I guess, and… just call, or message before you come over, if you come over. If you don't… I'll, I can find somewhere else to work, don't worry about your job or anything like that. Don't feel like you have to…"
"Hey, slow down," he said softly, taking her hand suddenly in his, "I want to meet her, I want to be her father. I'm not walking away."
"Thank you," she whispered softly, glancing down at her hand in his.
"Look, Meredith, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm hurt, I'm upset, and I'm pretty angry that you didn't tell me," he said with a sigh, not letting go of her hand, "but I also feel unimaginably happy. I… we have a daughter, and that's… it's amazing, regardless of the circumstance. I just need time to wrap my head around this, and I'll speak to Richard and see if I can get some time off over the next two weeks."
"I don't think that will be an issue with him," she said with a small smile, looking at the shining joy in his eyes coupled with the slight frown that seemed to be permanently indented in his forehead since she'd told him, "She's amazing, Derek. She's… it's so obvious she's your daughter, and at the same time it's obvious she's mine. She's funny, and smart, and god, she's stubborn."
"I just want to know everything about her. Everything you can tell me about her, everything I can pick up just being around her, I'm not walking away, and I'm not making the mistake of letting you get away again either, not now," he squeezed her hand gently with a small smile.
"What do you want to know?" she breathed, pulling her hand back from his to take a drink of her coffee, a slight panic rising in her at his words of not letting her get away, and while she knew he most likely meant it because of Abigail, she couldn't help but wonder if he meant being in a relationship with her. That wasn't what she wanted out of this.
"I feel like there's going to be so much, I don't even know where to start," he chuckled softly.
"I mean… she was born on the thirteenth of February, she started saying a few words at eleven months and she's gone full speed ahead with that, constantly talking when she can, even if she's just babbling to herself," she laughed softly, unable to hide the grin that formed on her lips as she spoke, "Her favourite thing is ducks, anything related to ducks and she's occupied for hours."
"Why ducks?" he asked, grinning back at her as he gave her his full attention.
"I don't know, there was this small park near where we lived back in England, and it had a pond and she's just always been mesmerised by the ducks there," she shrugged, "It's almost like it was her happy place, but I have no idea where there's anything like it around here for me to take her to. Richard got her this book on her first birthday, it's a non-fiction kids book all about ducks and it's her favourite book, I read it to her pretty much every night."
"I haven't even met her yet and I'm pretty sure I love her," he said softly, as though he had another thought on his mind that he wasn't sharing with her, "You look happy. I… I don't think I've ever seen you this happy."
"She changed my life, Derek. I never thought I would ever want to be a mother, but as soon as I knew… I just wanted to protect her," she sighed softly, casting her gaze down into her almost empty cup of coffee just as her phone lit up with a message from Ellis, asking how it was going and when she was expecting to be back, "Oh, crap."
"What's wrong?" Derek asked, frowning slightly as she picked up her phone to message her mom back to let her know she wouldn't be too long.
"I need to get going. My mom has… she has to be somewhere, and I have a few errands I need to run, get Abi set up with a paediatrician and get to the bank," she started to ramble slightly as she tapped away at her phone, selecting just a few of the thousands of pictures it held of Abigail, getting them ready to send over to Derek's email, "Your email hasn't changed, right? Your personal one?"
"Oh, no, that's still the same," he said, watching her curiously, "Why?"
"I'm just going to send you over a few pictures… I have more, tonnes more already set up in albums and scrap books back at home, but just for now, while you're wrapping your head around it all," her voice trailed off as she put the phone down, looking up and meeting his eyes, finding the same gaze he used to watch her with back when she was his resident, reading over a case, or a piece of research.
"Thank you, Meredith," he said, smiling softly at her, "I won't take long. Or at least I hope it won't take long. A few days, maybe less. But I'll call you, or message if that's easier. I assume you're both pretty jet-lagged?"
"Yeah," she laughed slightly, her head tilting to the side a little, "We'd just got her sleeping through the night, in her own bed, at the right times, and now we've moved here and she doesn't sleep through the night, doesn't want to sleep in her own bed… hopefully, it shouldn't be too difficult, it just probably doesn't help that I can't sleep either and then end up napping with her on the couch during the day."
"I don't mean to… pry too much, or overstep, but when you say we?" he asked quietly, a sadness creeping into his expression.
"Oh, I mean Abigail and me, I don't, I haven't… It's just been us two. I didn't want… I mean, it's hardly fair if I… No, there's been no one else, just Abigail and me," she said, feeling the slight heat of a blush on her cheeks.
"Oh, that's… not to say you couldn't have, or that you had no right to, I just wondered if there was anyone else in her life, anyone that she'd see as… never mind, it doesn't matter," he shook his head, and lowered it, just as she swore she saw a slight blush mirrored on his own cheeks.
"She knows who you are," she assured him, frowning slightly, "I could never… I wouldn't want to replace you when she hasn't even had the chance, or you haven't even had the chance to meet you. She knows who you are, she recognises you, and your voice. She knows you're her dad, she doesn't know any different. If anything, knowing you and being around you… I know it would only make her happier if that were possible."
"How does she know me?" he looked up at her again with intrigue, the small frown still present between his eyebrows.
"I made sure of it," she bit her lip a moment as she hesitated, thinking about her answer, "It's not that I didn't want you in her life, or that I didn't want you to be her father. Had I stayed in Seattle… anyway, I told her about you, I showed her pictures of you. You're in her photo albums. She knows your voice from talks that you've given, from listening when I watch surgical tapes… she recognises you as her daddy."
"I didn't… I wasn't expecting that. I mean, not that I was expecting of this when I got your email to talk, or even when I walked in here today, but I guess in my head I thought I'd be entering her life as a stranger, as someone she'd have to warm up to, or get to know and trust," he ran his hand over his face in disbelief, and she didn't miss the tears that were starting to form under his eyes.
"I hope you don't take too long, I mean, take all the time you need, but just… don't take too long," she smiled softly, "Now I really need to get going."
"I feel like you could keep talking about her to me for hours, but I'll let you go. We have time to catch up," he said as he moved to stand out of his chair.
"We do," she nodded with a smile, "I'll see you soon."
"I'll see you soon," he smiled at her again with a slight hesitation, like he wanted to say or do more before thinking against it and turning away, heading back out the coffee shop.
She felt like that had gone a lot better than it could have. She still had that sick feeling in her stomach, and she didn't know what was going to happen next. She didn't know how long it would take for him to process and be ready to meet Abigail. She probably could've made more time, gone somewhere more private to explain her actions more, not that she even knew where to begin with all of that. She just really hoped that wasn't the last she'd see of him.