The venue was mostly beautiful. That much, at least, could be said honestly. Miles Edgeworth had taken to his role as best man with surprising vigor, given the event in question, and really along the way he'd become the wedding planner in all but name (and salary). To be fair, Larry attempted to help too - it was just that every single one of his suggestions had been unanimously shot down by everyone else involved.

Phoenix somewhat regretted not taking an active role himself, now that he was looking at the hall. Apparently Larry had lobbied hard for an ice sculpture carved by himself of the blissful couple, but Edgeworth had proven implacable... until he suggested they be dressed up as the Steel Samurai and Pink Princess. So now there was a huge ice sculpture of himself in the costume of a children's show warrior princess towering over the buffet table. Great. Not that being the Steel Samurai would have been any better - in this scenario, either was equally cringe-inducing - but Larry could've at least toned down the breasts, right?

"Don't we look incredible?" the sculptor in question asked, clutching Phoenix around the waist to match his creation and beaming proudly. "It only took me twenty giant blocks of ice to get right!"

(So that's where the cake budget went.)

"Yeah, I can really see the... effort," he said, diplomatically enough. He hadn't seen Larry yet today, which was frankly a miracle given that neon-orange suit with a lipstick kiss print he had on. "Uh, is that what you're wearing for the ceremony?"

"Of course not!" Larry let go of him and stepped away in order to dramatically point and shout: "It's bad luck to see the bride's dress before the ceremony, Nick! I can't believe you don't even know that! No wonder you've never gotten married before."

"...I wasn't aware there was a bride," he said. In his defense, he'd been resisting a lot of sarcastic comments lately. At least a couple had to slip through or he'd go crazy. "Are you the lovely lady or am I?"

"All right!" Maya interrupted, just as Larry's cheeks puffed out in indignation. "It's almost time! Come on you two, go get dressed!"

She ushered Larry out of the room, then returned to grab Phoenix's hand when he lingered by the table, craning his neck to look up. He had to admit he was impressed by the way Larry had incorporated his spikes into the princess's hairdo...

"C'mon, Nick!" Maya snapped. "We've only got the place rented for two hours, let's get a move on!"

"Yeah, I wasn't going to change," he told her. "My usual suit is fine, don't you think?"

"You're getting married to Larry," she returned. An evil grin spread across her face. "I think you already know what you're gonna be wearing."

-xxx-

The thing was, Phoenix was an excellent poker player.

Sure, he'd had help from Trucy during some of his more difficult games, but honestly most of the time it had been all him. In a lower-stakes environment like a poker game (lower-stakes meaning money, not someone's life) he found it much easier to maintain a good poker face than he ever did in court. And after seven years of playing it almost daily, he grew fond of the game. He wasn't a gambling addict, or anything - but it turned out that Athena and Apollo both got really competitive about this sort of thing. And maybe a little frustrated at how often he was able to beat them even with their special abilities. It was definitely trickier than most people, but Phoenix could do it... more often than not, anyway. The challenge was fun.

They didn't bet actual money, of course. That wasn't something he would feel comfortable doing, as their boss. And also as someone who had lived on pretty narrow means for a long time. No, the office games had always been based on a barter system of unpleasant chores, favors, and the like. Phoenix wouldn't call himself lazy... but he wasn't going to complain about not having done any dusting in six months, either. So maybe he'd gotten complacent. Maybe this was his own fault, in a sense. When Larry had asked to join a game, maybe he should have refused - said it was office personnel only, or something. But Larry had been really down in the dumps about not being able to attract the attention of some girl, and Maya had been in town so it felt like old times, and, well.

It had only been a couple bad hands, a few bluffs seen through. He'd ended up owing both of them a favor. Not a big deal, the night was young - except Larry immediately cashed in, by kneeling down and asking Phoenix to marry him. Temporarily, he'd been quick to stress. Not even completely! Just to pretend long enough to get the attention of Gai Steeler, who only liked men who were already taken. The more serious their relationship, the better, apparently.

So, really, a very big deal. Phoenix was the kind of guy whose word was his bond, whose friendships meant everything to him despite how utterly ridiculous they were... who'd stupidly written out his favor as 'any one legal request' and now had evidence against him.

Who'd foolishly never outright thrown away that Furio Tigre suit Maya had gotten him as a joke a couple years ago.

"I can't believe you're doing this to me," he sighed, attempting to adjust the suit so it showed just a little less chest... kind of an impossible task with no buttons until halfway down. If he'd been allowed to wear at least a different shirt underneath it wouldn't be so bad, but of course Maya hadn't been that kind. Instead, she'd insisted on 'authenticity', going so far as to produce a gold chain necklace for him to wear. He supposed he should be grateful she hadn't tried to give him a spray-on tan as well.

"Aww, c'mon, Nick," she giggled, slapping his hands away and tugging the suit straighter - incidentally exposing more of his pectorals to the chilly air. "You don't really want Larry to steal all the attention, do you? No one would even notice you in that boring old blue suit!"

"That is exactly what I wanted, Maya, thanks for ruining it..." he sighed. "Whatever. Am I good now?"

"Well, I waited till the last minute because I didn't want to give you any time to run away once you saw what I had for you to wear, so... yep!" Maya grinned. "I'll walk you to the altar."

"Okay, seriously, am I the bride? Are you supposed to be my father, or my maid of honor, or what?"

-xxx-

Apparently Larry was either the bride or just wanted a dramatic entrance, because he wasn't already waiting at the altar when Phoenix arrived. Unfortunately this meant Phoenix had to stand up there under the judgmental gaze of all his favorite people. Well, most of them. Trucy couldn't even bring herself to look at him without turning bright red from embarrassment and hiding her face, so that at least was one benefit of the Tigre suit. And across the aisle, Edgeworth's face was a curious mix of horrified and resigned that was actually pretty amusing, so not all of it was awful.

Then music started (the Steel Samurai/Pink Princess romance theme, Phoenix couldn't help but notice, and glare at Edgeworth for), and Larry swept into the room. Not on anyone's arm, at least, but -

"Ngh! ...Good god," Edgeworth muttered in shock.

"Fuck," Phoenix agreed, with feeling and no little volume. The Judge, who apparently officiated weddings and would now never respect him again, gave him a scolding look. But, honestly.

Larry was wearing a zebra-print tuxedo. With sparkles, and bell-bottom pants, and completely incongruous sneakers on his feet. He'd even found a zebra-print beret to perch on his head. Phoenix could be forgiven a swear or two for this. At least he might still be outshone... literally.

His groom sauntered up the aisle, beaming to the audience and blowing a kiss at the guest of honor in the front row - a certain Ms. Steeler. He didn't even bother to look at Phoenix until he was right in front of him, at which point he startled loudly.

"Whoa, Nick! That's a brave outfit!" He leaned in and muttered, not quietly enough, "You look kinda cold, though, buddy."

Phoenix - resolutely did not look down at his nipples. Instead, he made very unfortunate eye contact with his teenaged daughter. Normally up for any joke at her old man's expense, Trucy currently looked like she wanted to die.

"Um, can we get on with this?" he asked, turning back to the Judge.

They'd specifically requested that he not linger on any portion of the ceremony except the part about objections, so the whole ordeal only lasted about ten minutes (too long) before they were exchanging vows.

Larry tried to say his own vows, but Phoenix stepped on his foot until he finally shut up with a choked, "I do, I do!"

"If any should object to this union, speak now or forever hold your piece," the Judge finally intoned, then dutifully paused.

...And paused.

...And a little bit longer.

Phoenix glanced desperately down at the front row, where Ms. Steeler was yawning behind her hand, showing absolutely no interest in shouting an objection of any sort. Maya was snickering beside him - no help there. Trucy, who he'd honestly expected to hear from long before now, was biting her lip hard but not saying a word. He glanced towards Edgeworth hopefully - but his friend was looking down at his pocket as he pulled out a ringbox.

Dear god, they had Larry's characters etched in them.

"I pronounce you husband and husband," the Judge said, while Phoenix was still staring at his hand in a fog of horror. "You may kiss the groom."

"Oh, we're n-mmph!" Phoenix's protest didn't get... far. Larry was - kind of all over him.

"I'm so happy we're finally married, Nicky-poo!" he broke away to exclaim. "I feel so committed, there's nothing that could ever make me look away from you!"

He looked over at Gai to see her reaction.

Phoenix had to take a minute. He. He needed to -

"'Scuse me," he mumbled to Edgeworth, before leaning down to grab his ruffles and wipe Larry's spit out of his mouth.

"W-Wright, how dare you-!"

"THAT. Is for not objecting." Phoenix aimed a furious finger into his friend's face. "What kind of best man are you."

"The kind who does his job ensuring the wedding goes smoothly," Edgeworth huffed, all indignant for some reason. "I may not approve, but I'd never go so far as to -"

"That's all, folks! Enjoy the snacks in the next room, and be sure to stick around for a lovely performance by our very own Ace Magician, Trucy Wright!" Maya shouted to the audience. There was an immediate stampede out of the room, with the magician in question at the head of the pack. Phoenix had a feeling she wouldn't be joking about wanting a new mom for years to come after this.

Gai Steeler was leaving the room, too... trailing behind Desiree and Ron DeLite with interest in her eyes. Larry instantly abandoned Phoenix at the altar to chase after them - a sure disaster in progress.

"-my cravat is uncalled for, Wright!" Edgeworth was still ranting when he finally looked back. Phoenix stared at him struggling to unclasp it for a moment, then glanced over to Maya. For someone who had been suppressing giggles the entire ceremony, she seemed surprisingly calm now.

Maybe it was just giving in to the insanity around him, but... Phoenix found himself wanting to ruin that.

"Of course, you're right," he told Edgeworth. "And honestly, it'd be beneath my dignity as a Wright to ever do such a thing. But you know what they say..." he leaned in close, "about Butzes."

"You took his name?" Edgeworth's face paled, his voice dropping low in horror. "Wr-Wright, no."

"I think you mean, 'Butz, no.'" Phoenix said smugly. It was a complete bluff, obviously, but - if there were no other way to turn this situation around until he got the annulment through... at least he could bend the chaos to his own amusement.

Edgeworth made a horrible choking noise. Maya burst out in loud, snorting laughter.

Phoenix had a feeling he'd already hit the high point of his marriage. The least he could do was enjoy it.

He started laughing too.