Oh, Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in?

My hands they shake, my head it spins

Oh, Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in

"Of course I'm still in love with him!"

Chewing on her pen cap, Liza's own words echoed in her mind like a voice in an empty theatre — it was oddly haunting and overwhelmed her in a way that settled deeply in her bones.

She had been trying to make sense of her thoughts by putting them on paper, but so far she had come up with nothing. Or rather, nothing of significance.

Her heart ached and she felt the somatic effects of anxiety taking root every time she looked at what she had written. Initially, she had felt relieved and unburdened by jotting down the myriad of thoughts racing through her brain. But when she had stopped to admire her work, she realized the magnitude of what she had done.

It had been a week or so since she first put pen to paper, but she continued to revisit it in the hopes of making it less...something.

She sighed as she looked over what she had written for the umpteenth time that week.

We shouldn't get married because Pauline is a loose cannon.

But the truth was, if they were married, Pauline would just have to accept it and move on, especially if she had Nicole and Bianca's best interests at heart.

We shouldn't get married because it would complicate the business.

But hadn't they dealt with that already? Married is not the same as secretly dating. Not to mention that she and Kelsey were working on other sustainable projects she could focus on if she needed to publicly step away from the Millennial brand.

The last two entries in her list were more tricky and intimate, and she wasn't quite sure how ready she was to be honest with herself about them.

We shouldn't get married because I don't want to uproot my life in Brooklyn.

We shouldn't get married because I don't want to be a wife.

Every time she read those sentences, the anxiety began to creep up on her. Every time she read those sentences, she didn't know where they had come from. Every time she read those sentences, she wondered why.

Why didn't she want to uproot her life in Brooklyn? Moving in with Charles would put her in the Upper East Side, not Siberia. She had made the back and forth trip more than once while they had been dating, and had thought nothing of it.

She had tried to justify it by telling herself she couldn't abandon Maggie. But she knew if she told Maggie this, Maggie would laugh in her face. They were grown women; Maggie would be just fine. And, more often than not, her friend spent a lot of her time outside the loft in parts of the city that would be just a hop, skip, and a jump from her new residence.

She tried to justify it by telling herself it would be too weird for Caitlin. Her daughter had gotten used to the loft after the divorce, and she didn't want to force Caitlin to make more changes on her behalf. But Caitlin was an adult, and likely wouldn't be spending a lot of time staying wherever her mom was living for much longer. Plus, she knew Charles had a spare bedroom he would love to offer Caitlin. He would even let her decorate it however she liked, even if she wouldn't be staying there often.

The thought of Caitlin bonding with Nicole and Bianca always sent a sharp pain through her chest. Caitlin had always wanted to be a big sister, though she never said it aloud. Liza had no doubt she would be an amazing sister to them, especially since she, too, was a child of divorce. Nicole and Bianca could really use a non-adult ally and non-adult shoulder to cry on.

She thought maybe, just maybe, she didn't want to leave Brooklyn because she was still in love with Josh. But she knew that wasn't true. She loved Josh, and probably always would, but she hadn't been in love with him in a long time. He helped her rediscover who she was. Not a wife, not a mom, just Liza. But they both wanted things the other couldn't (or wouldn't) give, and they both deserved to have the relationship they wanted.

She tried to tell herself that she was too sentimentally attached to Brooklyn and the loft to give them up. It had been her refuge and safe haven after everything blew up with David. She had found herself there. She had grown there. It's where she had fallen in love again.

When she remembered how innocently and easily she had accidentally let, "love you!" slip out to Charles as she left for work one morning, she couldn't help but smile. It was one thing to feel that love for someone, but to lay yourself bare and admit it to them, not knowing how they would respond, was another.

Lucky for her, she had never really wondered wondered if Charles loved her back. She had known, deep down, that he loved her longer than he would admit. And if she was honest, she had loved him that way, too.

She couldn't pinpoint exactly when she had fallen in love with him, but she realized it wasn't just a crush after he kissed her at the Paramus Mall.

Maybe it was when he was so furious about the idea of re-writing the classics. Or when they both agreed happily ever afters assured people that true love exists. Or the multitude of times he put his integrity and his family's legacy above the almighty dollar.

Maybe it was when he came to her when she was in the hospital, not because he was concerned about legal issues, but because he was concerned about her. She couldn't help but notice Rhada had mysteriously vanished from the picture after that. And when he had asked her about her "little piggies" she didn't think she remembered, but realized she had thought it was a dream. She had been briefly mortified that he had heard her babbling her feelings out to him in her morphine stupor, but quickly realized that, unfortunately, David was the one who had heard.

But what really sticks out in her mind is his By the Book interview. The way he sought her advice specifically and emphasized how much her opinion meant to him. When he had taken her advice and revealed so much about himself to her in the process. The way he gracefully handled her cross-texting mistake and, instead of embarrassing her further or reprimanding her, he paid for her and Josh to stay at a bed and breakfast. It was a kind gesture to even suggest the B & B, but to pay for her and her boyfriend was...it was so selfless. And, to Liza, a genuine act of love. He likely didn't intend to make her feel one way or the other — he just wanted to make her happy and went above and beyond to make that happen, even if it meant making her boyfriend happy, too.

He has always been so patient, treading lightly. He burned for her, but he never pushed her or tried to come between her and Josh — not intentionally, anyway. Any time he thought he overstepped, he apologized and backed off, even though part of her wished he had been less of a gentleman.

And he was — a gentleman. So it was no surprise that marriage was something he wanted.

So why didn't she?

Her final sentence seemed to leap out at her.

We can't get married because I don't want to be a wife.

"I don't want to be a wife, or I don't want to be his wife?" she asked aloud to the empty loft.

I don't want my life to revolve around his, she recalled saying.

But in hindsight, this seemed especially ridiculous. Most things that required his attendance were work-related — things she would probably have to attend as well, or likely would have gone to anyway. Yes, some of the upper-crust events were over the top and a little awkward, but she knew he wouldn't force her to go, and, with time, she would get used to them.

And when had he ever prioritized his needs and wants over her own? He had always praised her work ethic as well as her work. He regularly told her how important she was to the company, regardless of their status. It had been difficult when they were secretly dating, but she knew she had gotten spooked by Caitlin dating a professor and her friends sowing seeds of doubt. He had never asked anything of her that she wasn't ready to give.

She thought about when Josh had proposed, despite their conversations the days and weeks leading up to it. They were on completely different wavelengths. She was about to end things with him and he decided to propose. She thought she owed it to him to try and salvage the little that remained, but he had closed that door and acted as if she was the only one to blame for things falling apart. That had been a common theme, she'd noticed: all the obstacles they had come up against were always due to or insurmountable because of her lie. Even after they had broken up, any friendly conflicts that had arisen seemed to result in her taking the heat because she had lied.

As impulsive as the proposal from Charles had been, she knew he had done it simply because he was wildly in love with her. He didn't do it because it was the logical next step, though it was. He didn't do it because he had something to prove. He didn't do it to save their relationship. He did it because he wanted their lives to be joined forever. Not just for the weekend or on week nights the girls were away. He wanted to wake up, every day, next to her. She knew this, and she had wanted it, too.

It was almost absurd how much she loved him. Perhaps because it had been a long time coming, or because they were simply soulmates. Either way, the amount of love she held in her heart for him — and his daughters — was enough to make up for all the time they had wasted waiting.

What endeared him most to her, though, was that he didn't need her. He was fully capable of functioning without her and living his life without her input.

But he wanted it. He wanted her. Every time he'd had a choice, he had chosen her. He kept choosing her even when she hadn't chosen him. He had an easy out when he discovered her lie, but he decided he loved her enough to not care. And he had never thrown it back in her face.

She remembered a quote from Erich Fromm she had run across in a book many years ago:

I don't love you because I need you. I need you because I love you.

Where had she read that?

She reached for her laptop and pulled it open.

She was midway down the Google page when a link caught her eye.

The Gottman Institute Blog: What To Do When You're Ready for Marriage and Your Partner Isn't

"Geez, the whole 'your technology is listening' thing is really reaching new heights," she muttered, clicking on the link. As she read the post, she took in the subheadings, and a passage within the third subheading, Ask Open-Ended Questions, hit her like a ton of bricks.

"I'm just not ready" is a start, but seek to understand the real reasons behind your partner's hesitancy. Why are they not ready? Is it because of finances? Is it because their parent's marriage failed and there are some underlying hurts there? Is it because you haven't been together long enough?

She felt like she had been doused with cold water and felt like an utter fool.

She absolutely did not want to be someone's life partner. She didn't want to be happily unmarried. She wanted stability and security and to publicly and legally commit herself to one man for the rest of her lives. She wanted everyone to know who her husband was and that she was his wife.

She only thought she didn't because not only did her first marriage fail, it made her feel like she wasn't enough. If she had been a better wife, she'd thought, David wouldn't have cheated or lied about his gambling.

She only thought she didn't because she was scared out of her mind that Charles would find her lacking in some way — as a wife, as a stepmother, as an employee — and pull away from her and leave her behind.

But most of all, she only thought she didn't because she had only known one stable and loving marriage her entire life: her parents. And when her mother died, her father was never the same.

Losing Charles on a short-term basis was agonizing enough; their current time apart was by far the worst heartache she had ever known.

But the thought of losing him forever? To lose him forever and have his daughters taken from her life? To be left alone in this world with all the love she had saved for him?

She felt panic rising in her chest and she couldn't seem to catch her breath. She sat on the floor and put her head between her knees, gulping in breaths of air to slow her panicked heart. When her breathing had slowed and her heart resumed an only slightly anxious rhythm, she poured herself a glass of water and drank it in three gulps, then splashed cold water on her face.

Her eyes stung from the furious build up of tears, and as she sank down onto the floor and the first tear fell, she finally got the clarity she had wanted.

She didn't want to get married not because she couldn't leave Brooklyn.

Not because she didn't want to be a wife.

Not because her last husband was a complete ass.

Not because of Maggie or Josh or Caitlin.

She didn't want to get married because...how could she allow herself to wholly love and be wholly, utterly loved in return if it might all disappear?

She couldn't live without him, plain and simple. If something happened and he was suddenly gone...she didn't know that her heart could take it. Sure, she would continue to live her life, find joy in what she could, but the thought of an existence permanently without him in it scared the bejesus out of her.

Was it a little irrational? Maybe, but she had seen Thad flattened by a metal beam. Belinda Lacroix had keeled over in the women's restroom. Her mother had been healthy one day and dying from cancer the next.

She considered her options as she sat on the floor, alone in the loft, weeping like a professional griever. She could continue to insist on being a life partner and see where that got her with other men. Surely there was someone out there?

Or...

She wiped away some stray tears and returned to the sink to splash more cold water on her face.

Then she grabbed her phone.

First, she sent an email to Dr. Wray to set up an appointment. They had kept in touch after the Defining Decade kerfuffle, but Liza had yet to return as a client. But with her new revelation came the need for assistance. She knew she couldn't resolve this fear on her own.

And then, despite the late hour, she texted Charles.