Episode 2: Err-oneous Losses by Sneal
It is lunch time, with everybody in the cafeteria that has suddenly and inexplicably re-appeared after the destruction of it in All-Stars.
Staci: Oh ya, and my great-great-great-great-GREAT grandmother invented slop! Before then, people could only eat actually good food, but it was really expensive. Curse you, great-great-great-great-great grandmother Mary-
Stephanie: If you continue talking about your "great-great-great-great-great" garbage, I swear I will literally snap your spine in half!
Staci looks at Stephanie for a few moments, before holding her back, trying to protect it.
Stephanie [Confessional: I swear, I have HAD it with this camp! It's already been three DAYS and Staci's blabbering, Mal's edginess, and Lightning's sha-ing are FAR worse then Ryan EVER was! And Chris! Chris keeps saying "err" this, and "err" that, and "err-" shut up, Chris! "Err" is literally what you say when you don't KNOW what to say. So START KNOWING WHAT TO SAY!
Meanwhile, over in the dudes table, it was only slightly less ear-grating. Brick and Lightning were talking amicably, Tyler was hated due to not letting anybody get immunity, and everybody was staring daggers at Keith.
Alejandro: Oh? What's wrong, Keith?
Keith: Everybody's staring daggers at me, that's what's wrong! Like, look at Mal! He literally has a dagger!
Alejandro: Well, I can see that, but why?
Keith: I dunno! Everybody keeps saying I was supposed to be the first boot! But that ended up being Owen. Everybody's so mad that I'm still in the game. It's like they're planning in their heads to boot me out!
Sierra [Confessional: Keith was supposed to be the first boot! Nobody likes Keith because he's connected to Sky and Dave, and Sky is a cancerous behemoth and Dave is a cancerous behemoth, so Keith is obviously also a cancerous behemoth! But instead it was the fan favorite who got out! Owen! Everybody liked Owen until he ate the you-know-what! Everybody except for Keith, of course. Keith needs to PAY for not realizing Owen was GREAT until he was a c*kie eater!
Alejandro: Well, I don't personally think you deserved the first boot.
Keith: You don't?
Alejandro: Of course not! I think you deserve to get to the merge, at least. How about I try to protect you? So that you aren't booted out so early?
Keith: You'd really do that?! Oh thank goodness! Thanks, dude!
Alejandro: It's no problem. It's what a gentlemen does.
Chris: 'Scuse me, coming through.
Heather: Uh, Chris?! Are there going to be teams?!
Chris: 'Course, eventually.
Jo: What's that supposed to mean?
Chris: Er, it means whatever I feel like it.
Courtney: Didn't the lawyers say you had to stop saying err?
Chris: Of course. I said er. Entirely different.
Brick: Question!
Chris: Answer.
Brick: What's this next challenge!
Chris: Whatever I feel like.
Lightning: Whatever it is, I'll sha-win it! Sha-bam!
Lightning punched dramatically. Specifically, he punched Tyler. Ouch. After lunch, it was challenge time.
Chris: Today's challenge is to make two teams of eleven! And you do that by going to one of two colored platforms.
Harold: Sounds easy enough.
Chris: Er, yeah. Except they're on opposite sides of the island. And there's a bunch of dangerous fire everywhere.
Sadie: Sounds hot!
Chris: Er, yes.
Stephanie: Stop saying err!
Chris: But I'm not saying err, I'm saying er. Anyway, this is an auto-elimination, because these platforms only fit eleven people. And there's twenty three of you. Which means there's going to be one left over, and that leftover person is going off of the island for good.
Harold: I highly doubt that you actually mean for good, considering that there's been rejoins for almost every season. GOSH!
Chris: Shut up Harold. Anyway, GO!
Jo: Okay Brick! I'm your leader now, which means you're following me to that platform. Got that?
Brick: Understood. As long as we can bring Lightning.
Lightning: Sha-no! That dude-
Jo: I'm a girl-
Lightning: That girl is my sworn enemy! I'm never EVER going to team up with her again. Sha-EVER!
Brick: If you join us you'll be captain.
Lightning: ...Maybe I can join just this once.
Jo, Brick, and Lightning all group up, and Keith, Tyler, and Alejandro went in their own small group. Meanwhile, Mal kidnapped Courtney.
Courtney: Let go of me, you freak!
Mal: I am not a freak! I am a demon! I have killed many people and bathed in their blood! I am Mal! Mwahahahaha!
Courtney [Confessional: Is it just me, or is Mal the equivalent of an edgy thirteen year old?
Heather: So, Stephanie? What is your game plan?
Stephanie: Winning with my bare strength!
Heather: And?
Stephanie: ...That's it. My bare strength. I don't need anything else.
Heather: Er, are you sure you don't need anything? Like allies?
Stephanie: ...True, allies would be nice. As long as you don't say er again!
Heather: Er, why?
Stephanie: STOP IT! I will snap your skinny little NECK!
Heather: Okay, okay, geez.
Heather [Confessional: Stephanie is a strong physical contender. But she's also annoying. So, she'll be booted off early. And I know just how to do it. Just say er enough so that she snaps and doesn't notice that I've stranded her in the forest!
Heather: Er-
Stephanie: RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!
Stephanie chases Heather with a giant blunt stick, ready to smash in her skull. They're both screaming at each other, until suddenly, Stephanie's foot gets trapped in a snare trap, and she's thrown ten feet into the air, still screaming.
Heather: Heh, good job Duncan!
Duncan: Hey. I knew somebody would get trapped here. Just happened to be miss Eva 2.0
Heather: I thought idiot Jo was Eva 2.0
Duncan: Whatever. Come on.
Meanwhile, another group was Dawn, Noah, and Laurie.
Laurie: And that's why spiders are as beautiful and precious as any other animal.
Dawn: Huh- Oh, what? I apologize, I was zoning out.
Laurie: You were looking at Noah.
Dawn: Yes, that's what I said, wasn't it?
Dawn [Confessional: Noah has the most relatable aura I have ever seen from anybody. He's so... relatable. Raltable, even.
Noah [Confessional: Dawn's a creep. She kept staring at the back of me. It was... weird. Yuck.
Noah: Dawn, stop staring at my back, do you see the platform yet??
Dawn: Uh, yes. It should only be a few more feet
Laurie: Yes! We're going to be the first... ones... there...
Mary was on the platform.
Noah: ...How did you get here first?
Mary just smiled enigmatically for a while, until she finally said...
Mary: Boom.
TEAM A - Mary, Noah, Laurie, Dawn
TEAM B -
Harold is lost. Stephanie is still hung up and screaming. Sadie's hair is on fire. And-
Lightning: Sha-booyah! We're here first!
Jo: Yes, thanks Captain Obvious.
Brick: Yeah, sincere thanks!
Jo: Wait, do you hear that sound?
Brick: It sounds like... screaming...
Sierra: AAAAAAAAH!
Fred: aaaaahhhhh
Killer: Ahhhhhh, this screaming match is fun! Hahahah!
Sierra lands on the platform face-first.
Fred: Uh, Sierra? Are you okay?
Sierra: Coodyyyyyyy...
Killer: She's not okay.
It transitions to Chris back in the campfire ceremony, watching over everybody on a TV.
Chris: Is Chris okay? Is Noah apparently "raltable" as Dawn describes? And will my lawyers ever let me say er with an extra r again-
Stephanie yells in rage hundreds of yards away.
Chris: Find answers to all of that and more when we return, on Total! Drama! Dumb Stuff!
TEAM A - Mary, Noah, Laurie, Dawn
TEAM B - Lightning, Jo, Brick, Sierra, Fred, Killer
As the commercial ends, we cut to Courtney walking around in the forest, seemingly lost.
Courtney: Ugh! Where is that stupid platform?!
Courtney [Confessional: I'm not letting myself be second boot! This is my fifth season, and I WILL win this, no matter what it takes! Got that?!
Courtney continues to walk, until she heard coughing from above her. She blinks, and looks around. More coughing, until Courtney looks up. Stephanie is still hanging by her foot.
Stephanie: Ugh, finally! Get me off of this tree!
Courtney: And why should I?
Stephanie: If you don't, I'll throw you off a cliff!
Courtney: Well, you can't really do that in your current state, so why can't I just... leave you alone?
Stephanie: Somebody will untie me eventually!
Courtney: Unless nobody else besides me finds you?
Stephanie: Uh, Chris will untie me!
Courtney: Do you really think Chris will do that? He's done it to that scrawny kid in Pahkitew.
Stephanie: ...Okay, yeah, you're right.
Courtney: Well, goodbye-
Stephanie: WAIT! I-I can be of strong use to your team! I'm a fitness model! I'm strong! Please, let me off!
Courtney: ...Okay.
Stephanie: WAI- Huh?
Courtney walked away, before it's revealed she was walking towards a large sharp stick. She picks it up, and throws it at one of the trees. It bounces off the tree, and cuts Stephanie's rope, causing her to fall down screaming.
Stephanie: Oww...
Courtney: Now, come on. We don't have a lot of time to waste.
Stephanie [Confessional: Courtney actually rescued me? Huh! Didn't expect that.
Courtney [Confessional: Stephanie seems like a useful asset. Plus, I'll admit that she's rather like me in several ways. I think she'd be an actually tolerable ally, unlike most people.
Meanwhile, Tyler, Alejandro, and Keith are in a group.
Keith: Uh, Alejandro, how close are we?
Alejandro: I predict only five more minutes before it comes in view.
Tyler: Cool.
Keith: Uh, Tyler-
Tyler: Hey Alejandro, wanna race to the finish?
Alejandro: Do you?
Tyler: Heck yeah! I'm gonna win it one hundred percent!
Keith: Wait, I don't think I really-
Tyler: Three, two, one, GO!
Tyler and Alejandro start running to the platform, with Keith desperately trying to follow them.
Tyler [Confessional: I don't normally hold grudges, but Keith caused me to break up with Lindsay! It sucks! I miss her already, even though she forgot my name half the time! I miss her... So yeah, I'm not talking to Keith! I thought it'd be kind of mean to tell Alejandro to not be around him though. That's why we're in a trio even though Keith is really mean!
Alejandro: Look! There it is! The platform!
Tyler: Yeah! We're here!
Alejandro: Come on, Keith!
Keith is panting and sweating, practically dragging himself to the platform. It's... kind of awkward. As Keith slowly and painfully drags himself towards the platform, Dwayne and Bjork appear from the bushes.
Dwayne: Yeah! We did it!
Bjork just nodded. Keith is still dragging himself to the platform. Harold appeared, and accidentally stepped on him.
Keith: OWW!
Harold: Oh! Sorry, first boot.
Keith [Confessional: I... am not the most physically capable person. I'm not sure I remember how long it's been since I ran for that long! ...Yes, I know it was only five minutes!
Harold drags Keith to the platform, causing them two to also be on the team.
TEAM A - Mary, Noah, Laurie, Dawn, Alejandro, Tyler, Dwayne, Bjork, Harold, Keith
TEAM B - Lightning, Jo, Brick, Sierra, Fred, Killer
Not Yet On A Team - Courtney, Duncan, Heather, Mal, Sadie, Staci, Stephanie
Heather and Duncan are walking, when they suddenly hear a twig snapping. Duncan stops Heather, and quietly creeps forwards. Mal jumps behind them, screaming.
Mal: RAAAAAAAH-
Duncan kicks him in the face. Mal instantly goes unconscious.
Heather: ...Well, that was easier then I expected.
Duncan: Yup. Just, leave the edgemaster here.
Heather: No way, we need an easy first boot.
Duncan: I'm not dealing with Mal on my team.
Heather: I don't ca- Wait. Where did Mal go?
True to her words, Mal had vanished, until it's revealed that he was hiding behind a tree. He runs out of sight.
Mal [Confessional: I am the Malevolent One, which means I am better then everybody, which means I never get unconscious. We will ignore the fact that both Duncan and Courtney kicked me unconscious. If you try to point it out, I'll leak your IP address and cyberbully you on the internet.
Sadie's hair is still on fire, Mal tried to stalk Staci before he got irritated about her constant stories, and Fred is giving tea to the entirety of Team B except for Jo, who isn't into girly tea. And-
Stephanie: Great! We're LOST!
Courtney: We're not lost! We're just... we lack knowledge of where we are?
Stephanie: Ugh! I knew we shouldn't have gone through that cave!
Courtney: We're going to figure it out. We have to! We'll walk west, because we know that's where the closer platform should be, until we find the beach, and then we'll traverse the perimeter of the beach until we find the platform!
Stephanie: Huh! That's actually a smart idea! Good job!
Stephanie [Confessional: I wouldn't be against going up against her in the final two, you know? She's cool, strong, and smart! Way better then Ryan! YEAH, HEAR THAT?! I'M TALKING TO YOU, RYAN! YOU DUMB IDIO-
Courtney: Wait! Stop. I hear something... I hear... nerds...
Harold: Gosh!
Mary: Boom.
Harold: No, GOSH!
Mary: ...Boom.
Tyler: Can you say anything besides boom?
Mary: Of course. I can speak five languages, so I'm able to say roughly two million different words. But it's fun to say... "Boom."
Noah: Oh, well my favorite words are "shut" and "up", you ever heard those words?
Keith: My favorite words are-
Bjork: Þegiðu [Shut up.]
Stephanie: Hahah! We're here! Make room for two more!
Alejandro: I apologize, but there's only room for one more person. This team has ten, and the limit is eleven.
Courtney: WHAT?!
Stephanie: Ugh, fine! I'll go to the other team.
Courtney: Wait, why not I go and you stay here?
Stephanie: Do you want to be on the same team as Sierra, Heather and Duncan?
Courtney: Good point.
Stephanie: Well, I gotta go! Seeya!
Courtney [Confessional: Huh. I didn't expect Stephanie to just give up her spot. It sucks that I won't have her as an ally for a while, but if she's still around by the merge, she'd definitely be a good pick.
Stephanie ran fast. And as Heather Duncan walk on the platform for Team B, two other people were currently lost.
TEAM A - Mary, Noah, Laurie, Dawn, Alejandro, Tyler, Dwayne, Bjork, Harold, Keith, Courtney [FULL]
TEAM B - Lightning, Jo, Brick, Sierra, Fred, Killer, Duncan, Heather
Not Yet On A Team - Mal, Sadie, Staci, Stephanie
Staci: I wish my fourth cousin once removed Gregory was here! He invented compasses, and if we had one, we could find where east was!
Sadie: Yeah, but we don't have a compass! I can't even tell if we're close or far.
Staci: You're right, ya. This sucks! I don't wanna be second boot!
Sadie: I do! I miss Katie! I don't know how to deal without her!
Staci: Then learn.
Sadie:
Staci: Anyway, ya, we're almost there!
Sadie: Wait, I thought we were complaining about-
Staci: Follow me, ya!
Sadie [Confessional: My hair was burnt, Katie's not here, and I've had to deal with Staci's incessant ramblings for about an hour! I am going insane! I want to slam my head in a rock!
Staci: Do you hear that?
Sadie: No?
Staci: Oh. Well, probably just me, ya.
It wasn't just her, for immediately afterwards, somebody slams into her. And then another person slams into her.
Stephanie: OW!
Mal: Ugh!
Sadie: ...Uh, hi guys?
Mal: Are we the only ones left?
Staci: Nah, Noah's probably still walking around, ya. Just like my great-great-great uncle Noah, who people say still roams the earth to this day! Wooooh!
Mal: I don't care about ghosts. None of you are getting in my way.
Stephanie: Hey! That's my line, Mr. Edgy Man!
Mal: Stop calling me edgy!
Mal and Stephanie suddenly start brawling. Staci and Sadie look at each other, and slowly walk away from the fistfight as the two hurl words that would have substantially increase the age rating if not for them being censored.
Lightning: Is the challenge sha-over already?! I need a power nap!
Heather: No, you dunce, this team still has three spots left.
Brick: Fred, I have to applaud you. This tea is really good.
Fred: Oh, thank you, young one. It's from an old family recipe.
Sierra: Really? Tell me more!
Fred: Okay then. Once, a long long time-
Sadie: Look! The platform is over there!
Sadie and Staci are running, with Mal and Stephanie a while behind. They're way behind because Stephanie and Mal are still beating each other up.
Jo: Go, Macho Woman!
Killer: You can do this, Mal!
Sadie: Wait. Why is The Escaped Psycho Killer With A Chainsaw And A Hook here?
Staci: Oh, The Escaped Psycho Killer With A Chainsaw And A Hook is actually my great uncle, ya!
Heather: He is?
Killer: I am?
Lightning: Wait. I thought his name was The Real Escaped Psycho Killer With A Chainsaw And A Hook?
Jo: Shut up about Psycho Killers, we're busy watching a dramatic brawl!
As Sadie and Staci went on the platform, that meant that only ONE more person could be on Team B. And both seemed to realize they were in danger of being eliminated, as the two immediately stopped fistfighting, and ran towards the safe spot at max speed. Mal and Stephanie ran towards the spot, glaring at each other.
Heather: Get over here Mal, now! Show that annoying little [BEEP] who's boss!
Duncan: Don't listen to witch over here. Go faster, short-fuse!
Lightning: I like edginess! Sha-go Mal!
Staci: Go, twice cousin third removed Stephanie!
Sierra: Mal is a much more popular person then Stephanie. Go, Mal!
Fred: What's an edgy?
Stephanie kicked Mal in the knee, causing him to fall over, and Stephanie laughed. Mal realized that it'll soon be all over for him as Stephanie took another step towards the platform. However, he had one last resort. He smiled. Stephanie took another step.
Mal took off of his shoes, and as Stephanie took another step, he threw it in her direction. She dodged it, and the shoe lands on the platform.
Chris: Aaaaand Mal just barely survives!
Stephanie: WHAT?! No way! I was literally JUST about to touch it!
Chris: Well, yes, but Mal's shoe ACTUALLY touched the platform. So, he's still in this. And you, Stephanie, are gonezo!
Stephanie: This is so unfair! No! I can't go now!
Chris: So sad.
Stephanie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Heather: Wow. That was evil Mal.
Mal: I know. I am very evil.
Nobody noticed somebody watch Mal's short conversation, and get an idea. An awful idea. They had got a wonderful, awful idea...
Chris: Anyway, now we need to name the teams...
Lightning: Name it Team Lightning!
Jo: We are not naming it Team Lightning!
Chris: Well, the team colors are Red and Green... But I can't think of any good names for them.
Sierra: They should have Killer and Screaming, as a callback!
Chris: Good idea, Sierra! In fact, I have a perfect idea! Sierra, your team will be Killer.
Killer: Huh? What you need?
Chris: And the other team will be called Screaming!
Heather: That's the stupidest names I have ever heard.
Chris: Well, I never asked you.
But anyway, it transitions to later at night, as Stephanie folds her arms in annoyance.
Stephanie: Great. I got booted second! You all suck! Except for you, Courtney.
Courtney: Thanks.
Stephanie: Also, Chris?
Chris: Hm?
Stephanie: You said 'err' earlier. If I remember correctly, it was specifically, "But I'm not saying err, I'm saying er."
Chris: Well, uh, I mean, the explanation is-
Stephanie: I think I'm gonna borrow Courtney's lawyers for a bit. You know, both to sue to for ignoring your producers, and to file a lawsuit for wrongful termination of competition! I'll rejoin this show eventually! Just watch me!
Chris: Whatever. Off to C*kie Jar of Shame.
Stephanie: No! I'm not done-
Stephanie is shoved into the cookie jar, and you can hear her screams as it fell over.
Chris: Who will the next annoying little creep to enter this jar? And will that next annoying little creep be another Courtney clone?
Courtney: Hey-!
Chris: Find answers to all of that, and more, on the next episode of Total! Drama! Dumb Stuff!
...The episode fades to black, and then appears again, as Mal is sitting alone in the forest with somebody, who is only seen by silhouette.
???:You gotta teach me your evil ways!
Mal: You sure? It's very difficult you know. You have to learn how to become a demon.
???: I can do that. I've always wanted to be evil.
Mal: Well, okay then. I'll help you...
Mal: Sadie.
TEAM SCREAMING - Mary, Noah, Laurie, Dawn, Alejandro, Tyler, Dwayne, Bjork, Harold, Keith, Courtney.
TEAM KILLER - Lightning, Jo, Brick, Sierra, Fred, Killer, Duncan, Heather, Mal, Sadie, Staci.