Chapter 2: At the Airport
Jane sat wondering if he did the right thing by telling her how he felt, knowing that he did.
He just didn't do it soon enough. It was too late, she had told him.
When? When should he have told her? When could he have told her? Could he have just told her? He had panicked. He couldn't let her go without knowing.
He was overwhelmed with relief that he finally was able to tell her the truth, he'd been pushing it away for so long and it made him weary and emotionally depleted every time he thought of it knowing he couldn't have her. He felt lighter today, but desolate.
He had always had an excuse not to admit or acknowledge his feelings.
All those days back at the CBI he pushed them away knowing that if Red John ever found out, she'd be a goner.
He pushed those feelings away while he was on the island, knowing he couldn't have her while he was a wanted man.
Finally. Finally, he could have her, they were together at the FBI. They saw each other every day at work and often times after work just to keep each other company.
But ultimately, he was afraid. He was afraid to experience these feelings, he thought he didn't deserve to experience them, and more importantly, he knew he wasn't good enough for her. He was broken, he didn't deserve her and she definitely didn't deserve him.
Jane sat thinking about what was worth doing next.
Lisbon was gone. He felt alone, completely empty, nearly hopeless. He had forgotten those feelings all coming together again for the first time in many years. With Lisbon, he had never felt alone since the day he met her. She was always there, no matter what he did, she never left his side. He trusted her in a way he had never trusted anyone. And over time she had given him hope and satisfaction in their relationship… but it was too late.
As he was reviewing her words in his mind, the door opened again. Out of the corner of his eye, he realized it wasn't the TSA agent.
His heart jumped when he saw her. Lisbon!
Cautious reprieve took over him.
"Hey"
Her voice was calm. He could see a slight nervous smile and he was comforted by it.
"Hi"
Why was she here?
"This is another fine pickle you've gotten yourself in, huh"
Thoughts swirling around in his mind, Jane replied softly, confidently, trying to cover his nervousness.
"Meh, I've seen worse, pickle wise".
"Yes, you have."
Jane's heart was going a mile a minute, hesitant to be hopeful, but not really able to help himself… he was hopeful.
"How's the ankle."
"Ah, it's fine."
She's here, why is she here? She's not angry. She looked relieved and nervous? Was it not too late after all?
"You didn't go to DC."
"No."
His heart was about to leap from inside his chest in excitement beating rapidly. His eyes filled with optimistic tears on the verge of spilling over, but he couldn't… he didn't know yet why she was here.
"Did you mean what you said?"
"Yes I did."
"Good."
She was smiling. His heart was melting. He was exhilarated and he couldn't help himself.
"Just to be clear, we're talking about pickles, right?"
"No, no the other thing."
His whole body was beaming. This was Lisbon. She is here.
"Oh, that." He said in a lighthearted tone, delighted to have her in front of him again.
"This is no joking matter."
"Yes, I meant what I said, every word of it."
He was serious now. His eyes were telling the same truth as his mouth.
He wanted to show her, he was relieved to love her.
He couldn't believe she was here. He hadn't been able to take his eyes off of her for fear that if he did, she'd disappear.
"Good, because I feel the same way."
"Well, that's lucky."
He said calmly with a grin, but his whole body was shaking with liberation, anticipation, and pure unbridled happiness. His eyes filled again with tears of emotion.
It only lasted a moment before he remembered.
"What about Pike?"
"He'll understand."
Jane couldn't believe his ears, his eyes. Lisbon had left a good man to be here with him. He felt a pang of remorse.
She's choosing me over Pike.
She interrupted those thoughts, with a relieved smile.
"Say it again."
"Say what again?"
He replied, he wanted this. He loved her.
She was here, free to love, free to be loved, and she came back.
His whole body was filled with out-of-control sensations that he couldn't even sort out. Things he wanted to feel, but hadn't been able to or allowed himself. His heart was racing and he was shaking. He wanted her, he had to touch her. He needed to show her how much he loved her, respected her, desired her.
Jane stood up, never taking his eyes off of hers. They had both forgotten where they were.
He leaned over the table, his heart picking up pace as he leaned in closer. He placed his index finger affectionately under her chin and tilted her face upwards; he wanted to pour his soul into her.
He closed his eyes, his body wobbly and trembling in anticipation. Finally, their lips touched and his whole body shuddered in response. His soul leapt in excitement and relief. He went back for more, needing it. He wanted all of her. He wanted her to know how much he wanted her.
"Hey quit that!"
He heard the TSA agent banging on the window in the background.
Jane smiled. He was held hostage by TSA in the airport, but he had never felt more liberated in his life.
He thought this feeling of freedom would come when he killed Red John, and he did feel some relief, but Lisbon had worked her way into his life.
He hadn't realized that somehow along the way the burden he felt wasn't entirely Red John any longer, but he also had started carrying the burden of lying to himself, Lisbon, and everyone else about how he felt about her.
He looked at her again as he pulled away from her, that was all gone.
She was smiling too.