A/N: Thank you for the kind reviews on chapter 1. I appreciate it so much. I hope you enjoy this next bit as well. I thought it would be nice to have some different perspectives in there.
It's barely thirty-five degrees but Olivia is sweating. Her hair sticks to the side of her face but she hardly notices. Her mind and body are completely overstimulated; the cold sweat brought on by a combination of anger and anxiety. Why? She keeps asking, though she can't imagine an answer that would satisfy her.
She's unsteady, but makes it over to Amanda and Fin. "I have to go." She manages, somehow, to form a coherent thought. "Noah…" She gestures vaguely, rummaging through her purse. Noah is at home with Lucy, but she needs a reason other than her imminent breakdown to get out of there quickly.
"Little man okay?" Fin cocks his brow, not buying her excuse.
"Yeah, he's—he's fine. He's good. Lucy just—she needs to leave, so," she tosses a twenty-dollar-bill on the table, darting out before either one of her colleagues can get a word in.
Amanda glares at her partner. She didn't trust Elliot Stabler before, but now she really dislikes the man.
"My fault, I got it." Fin rolls his eyes, though he actually does feel a bit guilty. "Go."
She collects her things and heads outside. "Liv—" She calls, barely able to keep pace.
"Leave it alone, Rollins." Leave me alone, is what she actually means as she quickens her step.
"Hey," Amanda reaches forward and lightly grazes her elbow.
"Do not touch me." Olivia whirls around, her tone sharp and eyes narrow.
"Sorry." The blonde takes a step back, holding out her hands. "Liv, I'm sorry."
Everyone is sorry today, she muses. "I said leave it alone," she snaps. "I'm not talking to you right now."
"I get that. It's fine, we don't have to talk." Amanda reasons. "We really don't. I just—can we sit?" She's careful with her words, worried she's already overstepped. "My car's right down the block." She motions in the direction. "It's freezing and—" her eyes search to meet Olivia's but she can't seem to make contact. "We won't talk, Liv. I promise. We'll just sit; get off this crowded street?"
Olivia grimaces, massaging her temples. Every part of her aches and it would be nice to sit down. "Fine." She agrees, thought clearly hesitant. "But we're not talking."
Fin, the last holdout of the group, waits for the bill so he can settle up and go home. This obviously wasn't how he expected the night to play out. He reaches for his wallet when Elliot reappears and sits down next to him.
"Thought you left." He slides the wallet back into his pocket.
"Nah." Elliot shakes his head, scratching his neck. "I just…nah." He doesn't have the energy to go into further detail, but notices Amanda isn't there. "Rollins?"
"Went after Liv."
"Oh." Elliot looks at him, but his eyes are vacant. "Good." He chews his lip. "She hate me?"
"No comment." He smirks. "You want another round?" He eyes their near empty beer bottles and signals the waiter for two more.
"I fucked up, Fin." Elliot sighs.
"Yeah, I got that."
Elliot nods, appreciating the honesty. "No, I mean, really fucked up." He hesitates, wondering if Fin will press for more information but he stays quiet. "I read her file. You know, the—"
"Yeah, I know the one." Fin would rather not say William Lewis's name aloud. He doesn't appear shocked by this information because honestly? He isn't. He's surprised it even took this long for Elliot to pry into his former partner's life. "And you decided to tell her now? While she was—"
"In the middle of a flashback?" Elliot interrupts. "Yeah."
"That's messed up." His signature phrase feels appropriate. "Even for you."
"I just—" he chokes slightly. "I can't lose her, you know? I can't. Not after Kathy and—" his eyes dart, "I mean my kids, they—I think they blame me? I don't know. I'd understand if they do. And I just," he trails, losing his train of thought. "I can't lose her too."
"Come on, Stabler. You gotta give Liv more credit than that." Fin is admittedly taken aback by Elliot's honesty. He doesn't let many people see him this vulnerable. "She won't give up on you that easy."
The tension is unbearably thick in Amanda's car. The two women are quiet, as promised, but it's awkward—so awkward. Maybe not so much for Olivia since she's lost in her own head, but certainly for Amanda.
"Um," Amanda notices Liv fidgeting—wringing her hands, tapping her feet—her entire body trembling. She eyes her friend closely and thinks that maybe the best, no, the only thing she can do is give her some privacy. Olivia is strong-willed, even in moments of panic. There's no way she'll allow herself to break down in front of an audience; at least not in the way she needs to. "Hey, you know what?" She shuffles through her purse. "I think I left my credit card at the bar."
Olivia knows she's lying. It's obvious, but she's grateful.
"So, I'll just…I'll be back in ten minutes. You good with that?" She searches again for Olivia's eyes, but they're squeezed tightly shut. "Okay." Amanda replies on her behalf, getting out of the car. She walks to the end of the block, her car still visible in her peripheral vision. Ten minutes, she tells herself, pacing.
With Amanda out of sight, Olivia is finally alone. She's relieved for a split-second, but it isn't long before that sense of relief is replaced with anguish. She leans back, trying to breathe, but it's just so hard. Olivia surrenders, allowing herself cry. Any semblance of composure she had is gone as she clutches her shirt, desperate for the tactile feel of something to keep her grounded. Her tears are coming fast now, but she allows it: she surrenders.
She slaps her palms against the glove compartment in front of her. Aggression is not her usual coping mechanism—that's Elliot's thing—but it's what she needs. She hits it over and over until, exhausted, she folds in on herself.
"So, what do I do?" Elliot takes a drink, eyeing Fin.
"I think," Fin rubs his face. "You gotta let her cool down. Give it a few days; lay low. Then you talk to her—tell her why you did it. She'll hear you out."
Elliot sighs. "I didn't know."
"Lotta people didn't—"
"But I didn't know." His temper begins to flare up again. Just a small spark, but he feels it start to burn.
"—the hell does that mean?" Fin cuts in before Elliot can take the conversation further. "You think she owed it to you to tell you? Or that we," he refers to himself and the rest of the squad. "Owed it to you? Because if that's what you're playing at…"
"No. No, you're right." He interrupts, realizing how selfish he sounds. "I'm sorry."
"Look," Fin softens. "I know this is hard on you—you wish you could've been there, I get that." He takes a breath. "But it's in the past, you can't change it. And come on man, you know how strong Liv is. She's handling it." He glances toward the bar. "Some things still set her off, but she's okay."
Elliot taps his thumbs on the table. "You think she would've told me?" He asks earnestly.
"Honestly, I don't know." Doubt it, he thinks. "I don't think she'd want you feeling the way you do now. You know how she is—she protects her people." He shrugs. "Also, don't think she'd want you looking at her differently."
"I don't." Elliot adds defensively. "Fin, I don't."
"I believe you," He continues, taking another sip of his drink. "But you gotta tell her that."
Olivia doesn't seem to notice when Amanda gets back in the car, which is—in a word—concerning. She's folded over, her head buried in her hands. Her breath is shallow and coming in quick, short gasps. She's no longer crying but she is certainly not okay.
"Liv?" Amanda cranes her neck, but it's impossible to see Olivia's face. "Can you, um." She runs her fingers through her hair, feeling uneasy. "Can you hear me?"
After a while Olivia gives a slight nod.
Amanda sighs, relieved. "I'm turning on the car, okay? You're shaking so I don't know if…if you want—" She reaches to the backseat where Olivia had tossed her coat. She doesn't expect a response and Liv doesn't give one, so she puts it back.
"So, look." She says, adjusting the vents so the heat will reach Olivia. "I know this isn't exactly news, but you're having a panic attack." She keeps her tone light, as if her captain isn't hyperventilating right next to her. "And I know you can handle it," She chews her lip. "But these things are bitch. And since I'm here, I'd like to…" she hesitates. "I mean, if you're okay with it. I want to help you slow down your breathing." She doesn't want to overstep but worries she already has. "I won't—I won't touch you or anything, I promise. But you'll listen to my voice?"
Olivia nods again, even if just barely.
"Okay. We'll take it slow, get through this together. You just follow my lead." She soothes, her tone similar to the one she uses when her girls have a nightmare. "Deep breath in: two, three, four, five," she counts slowly. "Out: two, three, four, five." She repeats the pattern a few more times.
Unexpectedly, Olivia reaches out and grabs Amanda's hand. She doesn't say a word, just grips tightly.
"Hey, Liv, listen to me." Amanda is surprised by the physical touch, but squeezes back, tracing small circles with her thumb. "You're okay." She's as gentle now as she's ever been. "I know this is scary—I know it is. But I'm right here. I'm with you, and you're okay." She waits again for a reply, but doesn't get one. "So, we're gonna breathe, just me and you. That's it. That's all we're doing." Her voice is quiet as she guides Olivia a few more times. "Deep breath in: two, three, four, five. Out: two, three, four, five."
"I need to see her." Elliot states, his eyes darting. "Tonight."
"Give her the weekend, Stabler." Fin groans.
"Nah," he shakes his head. "Can't wait that long."
"You're a stubborn son-of-a-bitch, you know that?"
Elliot smiles; his first genuine smile of the day. "I've heard." He finishes his drink, setting down the bottle. "I need to make this right. Or at least try."
"This for her benefit or yours?"
"She's gonna have nightmares tonight. Everything that went on," he gestures. "What I did…" He adds, shame evident in his tone. "She will." I know because I have them too. "And If I—if I can just apologize."
"What, you'll stop them? You give yourself way too much credit if you believe that." Fin smirks, but keeps his tone relatively gentle.
"No." He stammers, feeling that flicker of heat again. "But if I can make them even a little bit better, don't I owe her that?"
"At least call first." Fin sighs, knowing he's fighting a losing battle. "Don't just show up." He's more authoritative now. Protective, even. After all, he's known Liv just as long as Elliot has. "You've taken this whole thing into your own hands—let her call some of the shots."
Olivia eventually calms down and releases Amanda's hand. She brushes some hair out of her face and takes a deep breath now that she's actually able to.
"Here." Amanda reaches for a bottle in the back seat. "It's just water." She clarifies when Olivia eyes it suspiciously.
"Of course," she shakes her head, embarrassed. Her hands are still a bit shaky, but she's able to hold the bottle steady enough to drink. "Thanks." Her voice is hoarse but the water helps. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."
"It's not the first time." Amanda smirks, looking forward.
"True." Olivia smiles too. "But I'm still sorry."
"It's fine, really." Her voice comes out softer than she expected. "You, um, want to get out of here? I'll drive you home." She poses it as a question, but it's happening either way.
"Yeah, that'd be…great, actually." She's thoroughly exhausted and accepts without argument. "Thank you." She adds sincerely.
"No problem. You're on my way." Amanda switches on her headlights and pulls into the street.
"Not just for the ride." Olivia shyly looks down.
"Oh." Amanda understands. "It's—it's nothing, Liv."
"It's not," she swallows. "It's really not. You didn't have to."
"You'd do the same for me."
Olivia sits back, closing her eyes. Amanda's right, but she's too tired to acknowledge it. "They gave me vodka instead of gin."
"I know." She glances over. "I smelled it. Told Fin to leave a lousy tip."
"I was handling it though, you know? I have these…" she pauses, opening her eyes. "Techniques. From Lindstrom. They're a little odd but they help, they really do. They ground me when I start to…" she searches for the right words.
"Spiral?"
"Yeah." She nods. "And I would have been fine, but Elliot—" She pauses, unsure that she's ready to revisit the topic.
"You don't have to tell me." Amanda senses her hesitation.
"No, it's okay." She stares out the window, watching traffic go by. "He read the Lewis file." Her voice is fairly even, but that's only because she's so completely drained.
"Fuck."
"I had a similar reaction." Olivia almost laughs.
"Fuck, Liv." Amanda hits the steering wheel. "I'm so sorry."
"I appreciate that," she's a bit taken aback by Amanda's reaction. "But it's not your fault."
"I told him not to follow you—"
"Amanda." Olivia rotates her body to face her friend. "Elliot's stubborn. You are too, I know. But he's—he's very stubborn. You couldn't have stopped him, trust me."
"Still." She shrugs, unsatisfied.
Olivia is quiet for a few moments before continuing. "I'm trying to make sense of it all." She rubs her eyes. They feel so dry and scratchy. "Trying to process, I guess."
Amanda turns to her while stopped at a red light. "I know you say he's a good detective, but that? That was a bad call."
Olivia appreciates how protective Amanda is. She doesn't need her protection, needless to say, but she's touched by it anyway. "He is a good detective." She defends him, though she doesn't know why. "A good person. He just screwed up."
"You're a better woman than I." Amanda mutters. She doesn't like Elliot and isn't shy about it. She has no reason to like him.
"You know, I said I would have told him, but honestly? I don't know that I would ever have gotten up the courage." She whispers. "I guess, eventually I'd have to. He'd see—" my scars, she thinks, but won't say it aloud. "Nevermind." They're both quiet for a few moments. "He's still so raw, you know? With everything going on the last thing he needs is—"
"Hey." Amanda cuts in. "This is not on you."
"I know that." She sighs. "I do. I just imagined that if I chose to tell him I could have controlled the narrative." She tucks a few loose strands behind her ear.
"Controlled the narrative? Or protected him from the worst parts of it?" Amanda implores. She isn't trying to start an argument, but needs Liv to see this for what it is.
"No." Olivia protests. "Maybe? I don't know." She sighs, leaning back. "This…this is my story to tell and I hate that he found out this way. It feels impersonal and I don't—" she stops herself from continuing.
"You don't, what?" Amanda encourages.
"I don't want him to look at me differently." Her voice is barely audible, and she's surprised to be admitting her insecurities so freely.
"He won't." Amanda pulls over, finding a parking spot one block south of Liv's building. "Hey, look at me." She reaches out, pressing her shoulder. "He won't. None of us do. You know that, right?"
"I know." Olivia thinks if she had any tears left to cry, this would be the time. Fortunately, she's all out.
"I may not like the guy but he—"
Loves me? Olivia thinks back to the intervention. That was a trip. She took his words with a grain of salt; blamed it on his PTSD. Neither one of them have mentioned it since.
"—cares about you." Amanda reasons. "And he's not some rookie. He can handle this, Liv. If you can handle this," she feels herself getting emotional. "He sure as hell can too."
"You're right." Olivia is once again touched by Amanda's sincerity. "You are." She affirms, taking her hand. She gives her hand a gentle squeeze before opening the car door. "I'm just tired, Amanda."
"I know." She releases her hand. "I know you are. Get some sleep, okay?"
"Copy that." Liv smiles, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes.