A/N: This story was originally just going to be a prequel oneshot, but an idea came to me how to expand on it during the show's timeline. Hope you enjoy, please read and review!
2012-
Casey unrolled the top of the paper bag and peered in it and saw Kelly's old teddy bear. He'd found it among his things when he got packed up to move out of Hallie's place. It had been years before that time that he'd even thought about it or even remembered he had it. He hadn't thought a whole lot of it at the time, just put it in his bag with the rest of his stuff, but now he took the stuffed animal out of the bag, looked at it, in awe of how much it still looked like it did 15 years ago, and with a sigh, hugged the teddy bear tight against his chest. Right now this was the only link he had to Kelly, and Matt needed it more than he'd needed anything for a long time.
"Come on, old pal," he said half under his breath, "it's going to be another long night."
He'd just broken up with his fiancee a couple weeks ago, then to make matters far worse, Andy Darden had died in a house fire, and if that weren't bad enough, he and Kelly weren't talking to one another because Kelly accused him of killing Andy. Casey subconsciously hugged the stuffed animal even tighter as it all weighed on him. A month ago his life had been perfect, now everybody around him had either left him, died on him, or turned their back on him. He vaguely remembered all the times during the fire academy that he'd fallen asleep clutching this thing, and suddenly all his problems back then of coping with the fact his mom was going to live out the rest of her life in prison, all seemed so petty compared to what he was dealing with now.
It had taken a while, but Matt had finally come to terms with his mom's fate...and, life had moved on for him, slowly, one day at a time, it had been easier with Kelly and Darden at his side and to know he wasn't alone, not completely. He wasn't sure if he actually got used to seeing his mom in prison, but finally one day, it just didn't seem to hurt anymore, at least not as much as it had the first several months he'd make the trip to Cook County to visit her.
That was a lifetime ago. Now Andy was dead and Kelly hated his guts for something that wasn't even his fault. Casey collapsed back on the couch and pressed the teddy bear against his collarbone, pressing his chin down on the top of the bear's head, as all the facts came crashing down on him.
He'd relived the fire Andy had died in a hundred times over in his mind, trying to figure out what had gone so horribly wrong, and how, and whose fault it was. He'd ordered Darden not to enter the house yet, he hadn't listened, he'd told Darden to get out of there, he hadn't made it in time. He'd screamed at Kelly over and over that somebody should've vented the back window. Kelly's lame excuse of that wasn't Squad's job...Casey just wanted to strangle the man when he said that.
Any one of these things by themselves would be a challenge to deal with, but all of them at once, Casey thought he was losing his mind trying to keep it all together on shift, not let his mean see him losing it, never give Severide the satisfaction of seeing him lose it.
Casey squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he felt them burning with a sudden onset of tears. He remembered Kelly back then, and to think of the way he was acting now, it was like watching two completely different people, almost like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That wasn't just because they were older, it didn't even seem right it was just because Andy died. Something else was wrong there, but Casey didn't know what. Maybe that was what bothered him the most about this whole thing. One friend had died, but at the same time he'd lost two, his only two friends for that matter.
He sighed and leaned his head back against the couch. It wasn't the first time he was completely on his own, but this was even worse than when he woke up one day a high school senior and suddenly didn't have either parent anymore.
Matt had been moved in to his new place for a few days. It was sparsely furnished, but it was his new home and like it or not, he had to make the best of it. He hadn't slept much since Andy died, and whatever time he did sleep, he'd yet to actually spend a night in his bed yet. He spent most nights curled on the couch in the living room, hugging Kelly's old teddy bear, forcing himself to try and remember those days, trying to push all the crap going on right now to the back of his mind, if only for a little while. It helped some that the couch was closer in size to that cot he called a bed back then when the three of them shared that one bedroom apartment. He remembered the nights the two of them were crammed together in that bed, discussing the situation with his mom, among other things.
He'd tried and hoped so hard that he could keep that part of his life buried from his new life in the fire academy, and when word got out, well, it wasn't like he had a lot of friends to turn on him anyway. Honestly though he was surprised when Severide and Darden found out and still actually talked to him. He hadn't figured anybody could possibly understand what he was going through, and he knew Kelly didn't understand it, because his parents were both still alive even if they weren't talking to one another, but he'd at least tried to understand it, and he hadn't busted Casey's balls over it like everybody else once Ted Griffin shot his big mouth off.
It just didn't make sense. Casey knew Kelly was hurting right now, he'd lost his best friend of over 25 years, but it didn't make sense why he was the one being punished for Andy's death when he didn't do anything wrong. The man Casey was seeing every third day on shift now was almost impossible to recognize as the man he knew back then.
God help him, no matter how much Matt wanted to hate Kelly right now for what he was putting him through, and how angry he wanted to be with him, he just couldn't. He didn't have it in him, he should've, he wanted to have it in him, but he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to hate Kelly as much as Kelly hated him right now.
Kelly's remarks from the other day about 'sleeping like a baby every night' rang in Casey's ears, and it rang hollow. He knew Kelly wasn't anymore sleeping like a baby than he was, if he was sleeping at all, Kelly was just being an ass and trying to make Matt feel worse than he already was. Casey found himself wondering just when and why Severide became such a spiteful little bitch. He subconsciously curled himself tighter on the couch and pressed the side of his face against the soft fur of the stuffed animal in his grip.
He felt like laughing at the irony of it all but he was too depressed. It occurred to him that right now Kelly might need this thing more than he did, but he knew Severide would never accept it from him the way things were between them now. He could always slip it into Severide's locker at 51 when no one was there, if he only found it after the fact he'd probably take it back. Unfortunately with all the strikes he had going against him, Casey thought he'd lose his mind if he didn't have it with him right now.
So, they were talking again, Casey guessed that had to be an improvement. Then again, you risk your life to keep another person from falling to their death in a house fire...you'd sure as hell hope the two of you could talk after it was over. Things were still fresh and raw between them, but he guessed they were working their way back to where they were before Andy died. It'd just take time, one thing, probably the only thing, Casey had plenty of. He didn't have a fiancee anymore, he didn't have a family, he was still on the mend with his best and now only friend...but he had plenty of time to think about all of it, and what it all meant, and figure out what he was going to do next.
He'd finally started sleeping in his bed in his new apartment. It felt strange after being with Hallie for so long, but he would adapt, it's what he'd had to do his whole life.
He woke up before his alarm went off, feeling strangely contented, but he wasn't sure why. He moved to roll over and felt something behind him, he turned over and just saw the covers in disarray, then flipped them back and found Kelly's teddy bear a few inches from his back. So that's where that thing went.
Ooh Casey could just imagine the ball busting he'd face if the guys at 51 ever found out about this, that's why this had been just his and Kelly's dirty little secret for 15 years. Matt stretched out on his stomach and grabbed the stuffed animal in the crook of his arm and nuzzled his cheek against the fur. Then a thought occurred to him.
Kelly opened his locker and froze and stared in confusion at the object in there that hadn't been at the start of shift.
The paper bag was wedged in pretty tight around the rest of his things, he grabbed it by the top and pulled it out and looked inside.
"Kelly, you decent?" Shay's voice bounced off the walls.
"Yeah," he answered absentmindedly as he took the old stuffed bear out of the bag and looked at it.
Leslie appeared from around the corner and was saying, "On the way home what do you say we-" and trailed off as she walked over to the man who was staring intently at an old teddy bear. "What's that?"
"Oh...that's a long story," Kelly answered.
Kelly rapped on the door to Casey's quarters and poked his head in, "Hey, you got a minute?"
The blonde man looked towards him and answered, "Sure, come on in. What's up?"
"This." Kelly pulled the teddy bear out of his gym bag. "What's going on?"
Casey shrugged his shoulders and answered, "I've been holding onto it for 15 years, I thought it was time I gave it back."
Kelly shook his head and looked at the thing in awe and said, "I can't believe you actually kept this thing all this time."
"Are you kidding?" Matt replied, "I've taken it everywhere I moved since we got out of that broom closet we called an apartment."
Kelly chuckled in response. He sat down on Casey's bunk and they talked for a couple minutes, reminiscing about life back then. Yes, for the first time in a long time, Casey got the impression that the two of them were going to be okay.
Matt hadn't been expecting any company, so the knock on his door that night took him by surprise. He unlocked it and saw it was Kelly, carrying a couple bags.
"This a bad time?" he asked.
Casey shook his head, "Not at all, come on in. What's going on?"
Kelly was elusive on the subject until he actually got inside. He set the bags down on the table, in one was a bottle of whiskey.
"Up for a drink?"
"Sure," Casey raised an eyebrow curiously, "What's the occasion?"
"No occasion...just...might be the last time we get to, for a while."
Matt was officially confused, but before he could ask Kelly what he meant, Kelly removed the contents of the other bag, and Casey saw it was his old teddy bear.
"Why'd you bring that?" he asked. That thing was worse than a pair of cheap sunglasses, he couldn't get rid of it no matter what.
"I thought..." Kelly faltered, and tried again, "I probably won't be needing it where I'm going."
Casey felt a burning sensation of pins and needles in the back of his neck. "What're you talking about?"
"Uh...I gotta tell you something...and I'm not sure how to start," Kelly said, and held up the bottle in silent question. Casey nodded and Kelly went to get a couple glasses.
They were a couple drinks in when Kelly finally decided to try and find a place to start, "In the fire that killed Andy...when it happened...I got knocked to the floor and I hurt my shoulder...at first I thought it just pinched a nerve, but it just got worse, and it didn't go away...I didn't get it looked at, I was worried what the doctor might say, so..."
Casey looked at him when he got silent, tears were running down Kelly's face and his bottom lip and his whole chin were trembling as he tried to continue.
"Kelly?"
"I...I got Shay to steal some painkillers from the Ambo...numb my shoulder so I could keep working...and...I kept having her swipe more...and more...and..."
Casey's eyes widened, "The drug tests we had to take at Thanksgiving?"
"Shay covered for me," he explained. "Then they started asking questions about the missing drugs...she covered for me again, said somebody stole them when they responded to a call in a bad neighborhood...she made me go see a doctor and find out what's wrong with me..."
Casey sat there in morbid silence, knowing whatever it was wasn't good but not sure how to broach the subject or if he even should.
Kelly finally answered, "I didn't hurt my shoulder in the explosion...I...I broke my neck."
"What?" Casey's eyes doubled in size. "What, now? Broken?"
Kelly slightly nodded, "The doctor said I'm lucky to feel anything...like...it's a miracle I'm able to move around at all..."
Casey leaned back against the couch and just stared at Kelly with wide eyes for a minute as he tried to process all this. Suddenly things were starting to make sense.
That meant...the whole time Kelly was accusing him of killing Darden...
"Kelly, how long have you been on the painkillers?" he asked.
Severide couldn't even look at him by this point as he reluctantly answered, "Since the shift after Andy died...when I got up the next day I could hardly move my shoulder, I took all the ibuprofen we had in the apartment, by next shift I was begging Shay to help me...every time I swore it was the last time...the last time...and it just about cost me our friendship." He slowly raised his head and looked Casey in the eyes and quietly added, "And...ours too..." His throat was almost too swollen with tears to even talk anymore, he struggled to get out, "I'm sorry...I'm sorry, Matt."
Casey sat there in silence for a moment, hearing only the sound of his own breathing as he tried to think. It wasn't that easy, nothing ever was. He wished he could make himself believe that all the horrible things Kelly had said to him back then were just the drugs talking, part of it might've been, but to deny he was responsible at all for his behavior back then was not an option. No matter what, Kelly was responsible for the choices he made, his judgment may have been impaired, but that didn't abscond him of his own accountability. Matt wished it was that easy, but even knowing it was not, that Kelly had genuinely harbored some of those toxic feelings towards him, as much as he wanted to hate Kelly knowing all this, knowing everything Kelly had hidden from him for months...he just couldn't. This was his best friend, hell, his only friend, and Casey truly didn't know what he'd do without him, even when things were as bad between them as they had been.
So instead, he swallowed all the additional things he was feeling, and thinking, and sorely tempted to say, and instead opted to be supportive.
"It's alright, Kelly," Casey moved towards Severide with his arms extended halfway, then stopped and seemed to freeze in that position.
It was bizarre enough that even Kelly noticed and did a double take, and asked through his tears, "What're you doing?"
"I'm scared," Matt admitted. "Is it safe to hug you?"
Kelly sighed and sniffed, and slightly shrugged, "Yeah...yeah, I guess so...just..."
"I'll be careful," Matt said as he very lightly put his arms around Kelly.
A very loud sigh escaped Kelly as he felt the physical contact with his best friend, who he'd nearly lost, several times in the past few months. As good as the hug felt, Kelly felt the tears running down from his eyes again as he tried to tell Casey about the rest. He slightly pulled back to look Matt in the eyes and told him, "I have to have surgery."
"What do the docs say?" Casey asked.
"Uh..." Kelly pulled away from the hug and answered, "They're saying if everything goes well...I could be fully recovered in...a year, if I want to get back on Squad..."
Casey felt his heart drop at this news.
"Oh Kelly..."
"That's..." Kelly raised a hand so Casey wouldn't interrupt, "that's if everything goes well...if it doesn't...they said there could be partial paralysis."
Casey squeezed his eyes shut for a second and sucked in a shaky breath when he heard this.
"What..." Kelly looked completely lost as he asked, "what am I gonna do if that happens? Wha...what..."
"Kelly," Casey reached over and grabbed both of the man's hands and forced Kelly to look him in the eyes as he told him, "Kelly...no matter what happens, I'll always be here to help you, you know that."
The look in Kelly's eyes was heartbreaking as he said, "If I can't come back to work for a year, there won't even be a place for me at 51 anymore, everything I've worked my whole life for will have been for nothing."
And then, Casey knew, there was the other side of it. What if the operation didn't work and Kelly wound up paralyzed? Partial paralysis, what the hell did that even mean? Living out the rest of his days in a hospital bed, a wheelchair, needing constant care...some people could live that way, they could adjust to life suddenly being that way, but he knew Kelly couldn't. But even though they both knew this, Casey could do nothing but offer his support, and he told Severide, "Kelly, whatever happens, everybody at 51 will be there for you, we're family."
Kelly looked at him with tear filled eyes and said, his voice just slightly stronger now, "Promise me something...if the surgery doesn't work, and I'm paralyzed, when you come visit me, just put a pillow over my face and end it...I don't want to live like that."
Casey swallowed the tears building in his own throat, and tried to sound far more positive than he felt as he carefully hugged his best friend and told him, "It's going to be alright, Kelly. Everything's going to be alright."
They stayed that way for a few seconds before Kelly reluctantly pulled away, and told him, "To even qualify for the surgery, I have to get detoxed off the painkillers...I'll have to check into a detox center...I'll be gone a while..."
"You'll be fine, Kelly," Casey assured him, "I know you, if anybody can do this, you can."
Kelly's bottom lip started trembling and his voice was shaky as he confessed, "I'm scared, Matt...I'm...so scared..."
"I know," Casey placed one hand on the back of Kelly's head and pressed his forehead to the other man's and told him, "it'll be okay."
"I never thought anything like this would happen," Kelly told him. "I'm an idiot...you know, all the times we almost didn't walk away from a call, it never really occurred to me that I could die on this job...I sure as hell never thought I'd break my neck, or maybe end up paralyzed...I never thought about it, I didn't want to think about it."
Casey held Kelly as tightly as he could without hurting him and quietly murmured assurances, all the while terrified out of his mind that Kelly could be right.
Kelly opened his eyes and found himself laying on Matt's couch, he tried to turn over and felt something brushing against his cheek, and saw it was his teddy bear.
"What the...?"
He let out a pained moan as he tried to get up, Casey came out of the bedroom, looking alarmed. "Are you alright?"
Kelly got out another pained yelp as he straightened his body and replied, "First step of getting detoxed, living with this agony until the surgery."
"Have you found a place to check into?" Casey asked.
"Yeah...they're going to have a spot open for me tomorrow," Kelly answered as he stretched his legs.
Matt picked up the stuffed animal off the couch and told Kelly, "You better take this with you, you might wind up needing it."
Kelly looked at it, then looked at Casey, as if he was having trouble processing what his friend had just said. He slowly took it from Casey and told him, "Thanks."
"I know this won't be easy, Kelly," Matt told him, "but I know you're going to be fine. Let me know how you're doing."
Kelly nodded, "I will...thanks for hearing me out, Matt...and I'm so sorry, about all of this."
"Kelly, you don't need to apologize..."
"I never thought my life would be this way," Kelly confessed shamefully, "I never thought I'd be a junkie...I never thought I'd push all my friends away from me...God, I don't even know who I am anymore."
Casey offered a small smile and replied, "Let's just focus on getting you back to who you've always been."
Madrid. Casey felt the air leaving his body in perfect timing with his body losing all strength it had as he pressed his back against the door for leverage, and slid clear down to the floor. Kelly was moving to Madrid with that woman Renee.
First he'd thought Kelly was joking, then he'd thought he'd heard wrong...then he'd wished he had heard wrong. Madrid, a one way ticket, where the hell had this all come from? The last he'd heard, the whole reason Kelly was going through all this was so he could get back to Squad as soon as possible. And now he was throwing his whole life in Chicago away to run away to Spain with this woman. What the hell was going on?
Casey sighed noisily as he absently grabbed two handfuls of his hair and yanked it. Between everything he was going through with his mom maybe getting a shot for early release from prison, and now this...he felt like he was losing his mind.
It was the night before Kelly's surgery, and whether he was sleeping like a baby or laying awake, Casey had no idea. All he knew was that he was going out of his mind with every possible scenario running through his head every ten seconds, he'd been endlessly pacing the floors of his apartment, absentmindedly carrying Kelly's teddy bear in the crook of one arm as he tried to think, watched the clock, half murmured an occasional prayer every so often that everything would go well tomorrow and Kelly would make a full recovery. So many different ideas ran through his mind, including one that left a gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach, that if something would go wrong and Kelly woke up from the surgery paralyzed, however partially, he wouldn't be able to move to Madrid, he'd have to stay in Chicago, and while Matt didn't know Renee all that well, he just couldn't see her dropping everything and staying there to take care of Kelly.
Now you're just being ridiculous, he told himself, and petty...and jealous.
So what? Why shouldn't he be? There were a million men in Chicago, why couldn't Renee have latched on to one of the other 999,999 and left his best friend alone?
But that wasn't fair to Kelly, it was only because he was with Renee he was even able to find out about this experimental surgery which if it went well, if, please God let it be successful, he could be back to work in just a month's time.
Casey sighed, and finally wore out from pacing, he slid down on the couch, alongside a bag of stuff Kelly had brought by earlier for him to have, the teddy bear currently clutched against his ribs being one of them. Stuff Kelly decided he wouldn't need once he moved to Madrid. Moved. Casey slapped himself in the forehead, this could not be real, Kelly had lived in Chicago his entire life, he moved from one apartment to another, not from one country to the next.
It wasn't fair to him either. He'd just gotten his best friend, best friend hell, only friend, back in his life and they were on good terms again now that everything was out in the open, and now Kelly was leaving, leaving the city, leaving him. Oh sure, they could keep in touch with video calls, that was a huge improvement over the way long distance communications used to work, but it wouldn't be the same. And if Severide wasn't there, who would take over as lieutenant for Squad anyway? Nobody else there had taken the lieutenant's exam, somebody else would have to transfer in, and oh boy that was a combination headache/nightmare Casey could do without. It was just dumb luck he wound up working at the same firehouse as his best friend, it hadn't always been great, but the ups had definitely outweighed the downs. And now it was all going to be over, permanently.
"Kelly? ...Kelly?"
Severide heard somebody calling him, was it real or was it a dream? Was he awake, or not? He tried opening his eyes, it took more effort than he thought. He opened them and was met with a bright color and squeezed his eyes shut again, then slowly opened them again, and saw somebody hovering over him. Two somebodies. No, his eyes were crossed. He tried to get them back in their regular place and the picture became clearer.
"Matt?"
The man standing over him smiled.
"Hey, Kelly, how're you doing?"
"Whaa's happening? Where'm I?"
"You're in the hospital, your surgery went great."
"Surgery?" Kelly felt lost.
"They operated on your neck three days ago, Kelly."
"Three days?" Kelly tried to open his eyes wider but they wouldn't cooperate. In spite of this revelation, he felt like he could go back to sleep.
"It's alright, they've got you on some pretty strong drugs," Casey explained. "This is actually the fifth time we've had this conversation. It'll take a little while for everything to come back to you."
"Three days?" Kelly repeated weakly.
He felt a hand on his, and heard Casey tell him, "I've been here every day to see you, the doctor says you're doing well."
"Three days?" Kelly was slowly piecing it all together, "you have?"
Matt nodded, "Figured I better get in as much time with you before you move to Madrid."
Kelly tried to move, and it was the wrong thing to do. He groaned as he lay back against the pillow and told Casey, "'not goin t'Madrid."
"What?"
"I'm not...going to, Madrid," Kelly tried again to be more coherent.
There was a brief silence, before Casey reminded him, "You already bought your ticket."
"I'know, I'm n'going," Kelly replied.
There was a longer silence, followed by Casey asking, "Why not?"
"I'wanna stay'here," Kelly's words slurred together, "I don't wan'a leave my family...you, everybody at 51, all my family..."
"What about Renee?" Casey asked.
"Madrid's right for her...everything I have's here," Kelly told him. "It wouldn't'a worked."
"I'm sorry, Kelly."
Kelly felt himself breathing harder as he tried to explain in his drug-fueled state, "I didn't really wan'a leave you, and ever'one here...I didn't want to stay here if I didn't have a future here."
"It's okay, Kelly, I get it," Casey said.
"Hmmm," Kelly felt about asleep again, though his mind was trying to stay alert even once his body had already given up the fight. "'you leaving?"
"I've stayed as long as they'll let me, every day," Casey told him, "I'll be back tomorrow."
Kelly tiredly groaned as he lost the battle to try and get his eyes to open.
"It won't be that long," Matt said.
"I'know," Kelly weakly got out.
"I brought you something," Casey added.
"Hm?"
He felt something grab him by his hand and raise his good arm, and felt something furry slip in the crook of it as his arm was returned to its previous position. His fingers ran through the short fur and found two hard round things he instinctively knew were supposed to be eyes.
"Figured you could use it while you're recovering," Matt told him.
A sound came out of Kelly's throat that he couldn't identify, he moved his arm so he felt the soft fur brush against his cheek, the word 'comforting' faintly came to mind as he rubbed his cheek against it to feel the soft friction.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Kelly," Casey said.
Kelly tried to get a response out but he couldn't get his lips to open, it didn't seem to matter, Matt seemed to understand anyway.
"I love you too, Kelly. You're going to be alright, the worst is over now."
2018
Kelly stepped in his apartment, locked the door behind him, and headed over to his bedroom, the light was on and he saw Casey laying on top of his bed absently twisting one of the paws on his old and by now weathered teddy bear. Matt turned his head and looked at the other man as he entered the room.
"I talked to the landlord and he's going to put you on the lease," Kelly told him, "And we'll get a room fixed up for you tomorrow."
In his mind he went over everything they'd have to get for that to happen, Casey literally lost everything in that fire, they had to get everything, a new bed, a new dresser, pillows, sheets, clothes, deodorant, comb, razors, toothbrush, the man lost everything he owned and now they had to start over replacing it all.
Casey just barely nodded and quietly replied, "Thanks, Kelly...I don't want to be a burden."
"You're family," Kelly told him as he stepped over to the bed and dug his knees into the mattress on his side to hover over Casey, "you're not a burden. I'm happy to have you here."
"You're just saying that because it'd look bad if you kicked me out," Matt said.
"Am not," Kelly remarked.
"Well I'm out of options either way," Casey said, "nobody else has room for me, or if they do, they're outvoted by their families."
"It'll be fine," Kelly said as he stretched out on his stomach beside Matt, "You can stay here as long as you like."
"Thanks, Kelly," Matt quietly said in response.
Neither man knew what to say after that and they slightly looked away from one another.
"Hey," Casey said, nodding to the teddy bear, "this poor guy's seen a lot of mileage."
Kelly chuckled, "Seems so."
"You know the day's probably gonna come when we have kids," Casey said.
"Uh huh."
"So when that happens...who gets this?" Casey asked.
"I got it," Kelly said, "we get married and have kids at the same time, and then when they're both a year old, we draw a big circle on the floor and let them fight to see who gets it."
Casey laughed, "You would say something like that."
"Hey," Kelly looked at him, "come here."
Matt looked at him for a couple seconds as if he couldn't tell what Kelly meant, then it finally clicked, and he inched over enough that they were laying on their sides against one another.
"You notice something?" Casey asked.
"Like what?"
"Oh, like we both gained a little weight since the last time we did this back in the academy," Matt pointed out.
Kelly laughed and remarked, "At least the bed's bigger this time."
"Amen," Casey said with a small smirk. He heaved in a breath and it came back out a sigh and he told Kelly, "You know...whenever I look in a mirror, I feel so old."
Kelly crinkled his eyebrows together, "What do you mean?"
"I mean...when there's no mirror around I feel like I did back then, when we were fresh at the academy," Casey explained. "And when I actually see my reflection...I can't believe all the time that's passed. Some days it feels like that was a century ago...other times it feels like it was just yesterday."
Kelly nodded, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
"You know, in some weird way," Casey said, "I feel like part of us never left the academy."
"Or like part of it never left us," Kelly replied.
Casey nodded. "You know...my life sure didn't turn out the way I thought it would."
"Whose has?" Kelly asked.
"Good point...I always thought by now I'd be married with a houseful of kids, have a family."
"That always was your goal."
"Yeah...but here I am, I don't have a wife, I don't have any kids...hell, I don't even have a home anymore," Casey turned and looked at Severide, "but I've got a family...and I have for the last 20 years...didn't always realize that."
Kelly looked at him and smiled as he replied, "Guess it's easy to forget what's right in front of your face. Sure hasn't always felt that way."
They both chuckled at that, and the memories of some of their long buried arguments, and far it seemed they'd come from those days.
"I love you, Kelly. I...know I've never said it much but, I hope you know that."
"I always knew it," Kelly replied. "You know I'm worse to actually say it."
"Oh yeah, me and every woman in Chicago," Casey answered.
They had another laugh at that.
"But you know I do, right?" Kelly asked.
"You wouldn't have taken me in if you didn't," Matt responded.
"I'm glad you're here, buddy."
"Yeah well..." Matt sighed, "if I have to start all over again, I'd rather be here with you than anywhere else."
Kelly grinned and asked mischievously, "Remember when we actually used to sleep like this?"
"Oh yeah, Andy in the next bed being a smartass," Casey recalled.
Kelly laughed, "Those were the days."
Casey looked at him and asked, "You up for trying it again?"
Severide got an amused look on his face and said, "Definitely wouldn't be the weirdest way I ever spent the night with someone."
Casey reluctantly got up long enough for Kelly to pull back the covers, and they lay next to each other in the middle of the bed, not unlike the times back in the fire academy when they both crammed into one another's cots for the night. Kelly pulled the covers up over both of them and he wrapped one arm around Matt's shoulders and held his best friend against him. Neither was quite asleep yet, though it wasn't far off, but for a few moments they lay together and heard nothing but the sound of each other breathing, and felt very strangely, like they were right where they needed to be. Time seemed to fall away, and the two firefighters felt just as they had 20 years ago, and felt another sensation, that of another presence in the room, as if their friend Andy Darden was still right there with them.