10 years earlier

"Captain I can handle this." Olivia pleaded with Cragen. Her belly so big it knocks papers off the desk. "Pretend you didn't see that." She gestured.

"Olivia. As your captain, no. As your father figure, also no. My grand daughter will be here any day and you need to stay off your feet." Cragen crossed the room to his detective and smiled. "Your maternity leave officially starts right now. Go home. Get some rest and pack your hospital bag." He smiled at her. Bending over to talk to the stomach " And you miss Ellie Grace I'm going to need you to stay in there until 6:30 tonight when I get off. Then aunt Amanda and I will be there to finish your nursery." With a pat on her stomach Cragen left the room before Olivia could oppose. She looked around the room and saw smiles and giggles and tried to find someone to tell her to stay.

"Ellie Grace, you stay in there until tomorrow so we can share a birthday." Fin told the belly. "I will be over tonight to fix whatever Amanda and the captain do." Fin hugged his friend and left with all the detectives in tow. Olivia sighed and grabbed her coat to go home.

When she made it to her apartment she threw her keys in the bowl and plopped down on the couch. It was quiet today, at least in her apartment. She rubbed her stomach and smiled.

"Miss Ellie, I'm ready for you. Just you and me. Us. Everyday. I love you already." Olivia cried. Just them, always. He'll never know. Never.

Now

Standing at the casket she isn't quite sure what to say. Elliot keeps looking at her, keeps searching for his "partner". Olivia doesn't think she's in there anymore. That Olivia is long gone, taken by becoming a single mother. Then adapting to becoming a single mother of 2. Then adapting to becoming a mother of 3 in the worst way possible. She just keeps looking at the ground, then Elliot, then Eli when he refuses to leave. She doesn't quite know what to say to him.

"Thank you for coming, Liv." He says softly. She looks at him with softness in her eyes, he talks the same. And he still calls her Liv.

"I'm here if you need anything." She responds trying to hold it together. They stop and stare at each other. The air around them is different than at the hospital. More hurt than anger, at least coming from her side. He still looks lost, conflicted, maybe even a little bit confused.

"I know you have the kids to get back to I don't want to keep you from them but, we are having food at my house if you would like to come and join us. Bring the kids if you want." Elliot looked at his partner, never breaking eye contact.

"I don't think that's a good idea. Not to offend you but, my kids have already had enough people leave their lives. I can't introduce them to you and you go back to Italy. I just can't." Olivia said breaking eye contact and looking around them at his kids driving by.

"I'm not leaving again." Elliot looked hurt. As if her words hurt more to him than burying his wife.

"I can't do this today. Call me if you need me." Olivia said all but running away from her ex-partner.

Though the drive from the cemetery to her place is only 15 minutes it feels like an eternity. Why kill Kathy? Why is acting as if he never left? Will he stay after he finds her killer? She questions every little detail about the day. Him grabbing her arm, The talks they only have with their eyes. How after all these years can he still drive her crazy? How can they still communicate without words? Olivia has been sitting outside of her house for 10 minutes before she notices that she is actually home and not still driving. She checks her makeup in the mirror, the waterproof makeup has been her best friend for 10 years, every night spent crying over him. Every night spent crying because of Lewis. Every part of her soul hurts with memories of Elliot and Lewis. The pain from both memories never healed, she doesn't think they ever will. Finally gathering up what courage she has to get out of the car and face her kids.

She smiles when she unlocks the door at the site of Ellie asleep on one end of the couch and Amanda asleep on the other end. Carisi is sitting up between them, remote in hand.

"The other 4 are napping as well. This is the quietest your house has ever been with all of us here." He chuckles to himself.

"I'm up." Amanda said shuffling the blanket off her body and standing up. "Didn't you hear me, I'm up and going" She whisper screams to her stomach. She walks to the door without glancing at Olivia or Carisi. Olivia and him share a look and laugh. Olivia walks past the kitchen and past Noah's room where she can see the kids sleeping on their bunk beds. She goes into her room at the end of the hall and sits on her bed. She can hear Frozen in Noah's room, and a rerun of 9-1-1 on the living room TV. She opens her closet and shuffles clothes around trying to find something lounge worthy to finish the day. She shuffles through the boxes in her closet and that's when she sees it. His shirt. His gray shirt with black horizontal lines on it. She never washed it. Never lost it. She picks it up and it still smells like him. Like the night they laughed until their sides hurt. The night they made Ellie. A tear streams down her cheek. It wasn't seeing him that initially made her cry, it was seeing him with Eli. Him hugging Eli and telling him everything will be okay. Ellie will never get that. Ellie will never understand why she'll never get that. She thinks her dad is dead. Olivia will keep it that way. After shaking off her sad thoughts she throws on a pair of gray sweatpants and a white tshirt and walks back to the living room just as Amanda comes out of the bathroom.

"You did this to me. I was done with kids and then you show up when I am sad and now I am pregnant once again." She tells Carisi.

"Maybe this time it'll be a boy." Carisi offers as a rebuttal.

"If it isn't I'm giving her to Olivia." Amande tells him as she lays back down on the couch.

"Olivia already has 3 kids. And it better be a boy or Noah will cry." Olivia laughs. Amanda throws a pillow at her friend who laughs harder. Ellie laughs as well.

"Oh, so you are awake." Olivia smiles pulling her daughter to her chest. "You're a very great actor" She says with a kiss to Ellie's forehead.

"I woke up when Aunt Mandy flushed the toilet." Eliie says with a smile. Her smile fades when she realizes where her mother was today. "How was the funeral?" She asks quietly. Olivia sighs.

"It was beautiful. And sad." Olivia responds wondering how her 10 year old could be so smart and kind.

"And how was her family? You used to work with her husband right?" Ellie asks.

"Yeah, Elliot. You are named after him because he was my best friend. Just like Nicole is named after uncle Nick." Olivia half heartedly smiles at her daughter and Ellie turns to smile at her.

She has his smile, and his eyes.

She has the good parts of him. And she doesn't even know it.

A buzz on from her pocket pulls her into the kitchen. A text.

Lunch tomorrow?

A text from him, and she can already feel those feelings creeping back to the surface. With out hesitation she responds.

Yes