CHAPTER TWO
The android recovers from her own brooding. It wasn't her intent to snap at her like that, but that casual question made her lose her nerve, after a full day of holding back all the resentment she'd accumulated for months.
She sighs wearily, approaching the control panel to hazard a call to the Base for news of the Army's inspection. She turns her gaze to the campfire burning outside and notices Ripley still there, in front of the blaze. She keeps staring at her throughout the whole transmission.
Her pronounced profile is emphasized by the light source. The woman seems immersed in her own thoughts, and from the little she can see from that angle, she looks genuinely sorry, and also extremely sad. The young woman sighs, gets up from the command chair and reaches for the small pantry in the back.
*.*
She has no clue how much time has passed when she hears the shuttle hatch open in a muffled huff. All she knows is that the logs feeding the fire have shrunk by a third.
Without realizing it, her posture grows straighter and her body stiffens as she listens to the slow, subtly indecisive footsteps of the young woman approaching.
She turns and raises her head to face her. In the warm orange glow of the fireplace, the girl's soft features make her forget to breathe for a long moment. A vague mask of defeat mixed with shame marks her face. Her hands are both filled with a pair of steaming mugs. Ripley gives her a sad and awkward smile.
"I don't even know if you like it, tea!", she tries to joke, spreading her arms in frustration after a long sigh.
The hybrid finds Call's assertion so utterly disarming that she suddenly finds herself struggling with an almost uncontrollable desire to draw her to herself and pull her into an embrace that is both protective and apologetic, as she would have done with the little girl of her memories.
She slips her bottom a little further in an unspoken invitation to sit beside her, too fearfully to be spoken, praying that the young woman senses her silent request and is now in a surrendered enough mood to want to indulge her and grant her a genuine dialogue.
"I shouldn't have jumped on you like that", Call begins, crouching down next to her and handing her a cup.
"I deserve it", the woman asserts softly and with a blank stare.
"I don't even know why I care so much! I mean, it's only been a few hours!", Call retorts, frustrated.
"For me, maybe, but not for you". Ripley reasons cautiously.
"It's not that. I really thought we had bonded somehow, after what we've been through together!", she points out, with a hint of disappointment in her voice, and then glances at her, looking for a reaction.
"And you're right", the hybrid hastens to confirm in a serious voice, meeting her gaze.
"Then why? Why push me away like that, without even an explanation-"
"I don't know! I thought I was doing the right thing!", the other interrupts her, frustrated. The look of resentful amazement she reads on Call's face silences her for a long moment.
"I thought... you were with your people-"
"My people?", the android exclaims in amazement, involuntarily raising her voice. "Ripley, I've known those people since we got there, what the fuck do you mean with 'my people'?!", she points out.
"Your mission was over. Why would you ever get mixed up with me?", Ripley insists, aware of the flimsiness of her arguments. Yet it's the truth!
"Um, because we had bonded somehow?", the young woman replies in an offended manner. "Okay, look, before we keep this up, I have a question, may I?", she asks in a firm voice.
The clone waves her on, spreading her arms wide.
"Are you going to push me away once again, once we're back?", she asks sourly, looking at her straight in the eye, "Because if so, we can save this conversation for never. I'm not in the mood for bullshit, and I'm not in the mood to pretend either! I just told you, we can just stay here and interact as little as possible, waiting for you to come back, if you prefer, just make it clear, though", she takes a breath, and before the woman can answer, she continues, "Can you at least do that?", she asks in a defiant tone.
Ripley listens carefully to those words, each one confirming to her how wrong her decisions were, because those words only convey unnecessary suffering that has lasted more than long enough.
"I made a big mistake, Call. I'm not going to push you away, quite the opposite. I swear", the woman assures her in a gentle, firm voice.
"You're the first kind face to ever pay attention to me, Call. Of course we bonded. You spared me, you supported me, you saved me", there's an unusual tremor in her voice. On another occasion, she would be horrified at how her words are coming out of her mouth.
"You saved yourself, and actually, you saved me", the other retorts, softening her voice. "At some point, I even thought you were keeping out of my way because of what happened in that cargo hold, or because I'm an android, whatever", she adds with a hint of shame.
"What? No!", Ripley denies firmly, saddened that the young woman might have thought such a thing, saddened that she helped make her think that.
"Well, I thought a lot of things, okay? I was confused, I still am. Every time we crossed our paths, you'd have that look on your face, you'd look at me, you'd smile at me, like I was worth something, and I'd feel like I could approach you, and then you'd push me away, I didn't catch it! It was horrible, Ripley! Mostly learning to wave at you like we were just two complete strangers! Why? I hated it! I would rather not greet you at all! And I don't know why it was hurting so fucking much! It's frustrating! Fuck you!", but this time there is no angst in her voice, there is just disappointment and sorrow.
Ripley realizes that that last insult is no longer aimed directly at her as it was before. She just wants to fucking hug her and shush her up. What a fucking idiot she was!? How could she do such a despicable thing to the only person in this life who bothered to treat her with respect and even affection? She felt a painful squeeze in her heart. She had suffered, from that detachment, and the only thing that had kept her from giving in, had been clinging to the fucking dumb notion that this was better for the young girl.
"Call... It wasn't easy for me either, I'm not telling you this to compare, I'm telling you this from my heart, because it's the truth", the clone leans slightly towards her tiny frame, brushing against her shoulder, an attempt to make her feel her closeness.
"There is no rational or even vaguely valid explanation for my behavior, I'm aware of that. I can only tell you that it made sense to me, at that time. I thought you would be better off putting this whole thing behind you, and I could see you being peaceful, with the people around you. Whereas I believed, I guess, that I had nothing to offer. I feel like I don't belong anywhere or with anyone, that's it. And I thought I would be a burden, I don't know. I know it sounds crazy, but it made sense to me! It's the truth, please believe me", she says, trying to be consistent.
" Well, but you didn't even try, Ripley. You just took it for granted!", the android points out in a hurt, but soft and understanding mood.
"All I have are memories, fuzzy ones, that aren't even really mine. After we landed with the Betty and everything was over, I felt like I lost a part of me. The connection with… them. It wasn't there anymore. I'm not saying it was a good thing, to have lost that connection, but it had been with me since I first woke up in my… cage. And all of a sudden, I was alone, just with myself, and with those memories of a person I almost didn't recognize myself in. I felt… disconnected, confused-"
"And you cut yourself off even more by pushing me away. You had me…", the girl points out the absurdity of it all.
"I know, but… I thought it was better for you", Ripley retorts in frustration. "I know fifty-four years is a lifetime, Call, but I'm not her", she continues in a defeated pitch.
"How do you know that?", the android asks, taken aback that the woman is aware of certain details of her past.
"I did my research", the hybrid replies. "I wanted to know more... about you"
"You could have asked, I would have answered all your questions", Call retorts softly, surprised by her statement.
"Yeah, but that would have involved… I wanted to keep you away, I thought it was the right thing", she insists.
Call sighs, growing more and more frustrated, at the thought of those unnecessary and utterly avoidable fucking four months of 'agony'. She hides her face between her knees, shaking her head. After a long moment, she raises her head once more, staring blankly at the flames dancing in front of her.
"So, in a nutshell, you're telling me that I've been obsessed with the idea of one person for fifty-four years and that I've clung to that idea while knowing that you're not her? That that's why I decided to spare you, support you, and save you? That it's because you're not her, that you think you don't deserve that bond we made?", she asks in a calm, reflective tone.
Ripley listens carefully to the young woman's conclusion and nods awkwardly, after a long moment.
"So, that bond, you think it's more real for you than for me, because you think I'm influenced by the idea of her?", the girl holds back a lump in her throat, swallowing hard.
"It's horrible! Fucking horrible!", Ripley exclaims, realizing the concept. "But I guess part of me thought it, and it's only now that I'm hearing it from you that I get it all the way through. And I feel awful", she admits, trying to contain the tremor in her voice. She lowers her gaze, caught in shame, unable to look her in the eye.
Upset and moved by her friend's reaction, Call cannot contain a surge of disarming affection for her, so she moves an arm and surrounds her shoulders in a protective and reassuring gesture. She feels the woman surrender to the contact and realizes how fragile she is at this very moment.
" Ripley... if not the second I saw you in the gym kicking Christie and Johner's asses, I had full knowledge that you weren't her due to the way you treated me after you found out I was an android", she whispers with emotion. "She wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me", she adds with a hint of fifty-four-year-old shame. "It's precisely because you're not her, that we've bonded, don't you understand that?", the young woman speaks in a firm voice, looking her in the face, even though the woman has her eyes fixed on the fire, which keeps crackling not at all touched by their profound dialogue.
"I just wanted to nurture that bond, see if it could grow in a healthier environment, rather than aboard a ship infested with dangerous aliens, with the risk of dying at any moment, does that make sense?" she finally asks, insisting on eye contact.
"Of course it has!", the hybrid replies without hesitation. "I'm a mess", she admits with a sad smile.
"You're a mess because you think you're a mess, but you don't know that for sure, because you've never tried, not to be a mess, Ripley. Isn't that right?", the Auton asks mimicking her smile.
"Yeah…", the woman agrees in a tired, thoughtful voice.
"So, why don't we try to put these four months of crap behind us once for all, and try to see what happens if we feed that bond? Maybe a nice friendship springs up, would that be so bad? I promise to tell you when and if you're a mess, okay?", Call jokingly proposes.
Ripley snorts a smile of approval.
"We should rest", the android suggests as she gets up from the ground.
"Call…", the woman calls her in an unsure voice as she stands up in turn.
The young woman pays attention to her, letting go of the cups she was about to pick up from the ground. She looks at her with a questioning look, catching her uncertainty.
"Can I give you a hug?", Ripley asks her, awkwardly twisting her hands. She doesn't even know what it feels like, to hug someone. She has vague memories of what it was like, yes. But it's not the same.
She's often wondered about this in the past few months, watching some old movies, back when civilization was still stable enough to indulge in film productions of any kind. And the only person she could imagine being hugged with was the young woman in front of her. She never thought she'd get the chance anymore.
"Of course you can", the android answers tenderly and in a genuine tone, moving decisively towards her and ending up in her arms with confidence. She fastens her hands behind her back easily and waits for the woman to loosen up enough to reciprocate.
A feeling of comforting warmth immediately envelops her completely, leaving her astonished and, for a moment, breathless. It's like being wrapped in a warm and protective blanket. A blanket that gives her safety and peace of mind, so much so that she doesn't feel out of place at all. It feels so right!
The full revelation of how stupid she's been suddenly hits her like a slap right in her face.
"Just promise me you won't walk away from me again. At least, not without a good reason. Like, that I'm a pain in the ass and you can't stand me anymore. Okay?", Call says with a giggle. She hears her shake in a contained laugh. The woman squeezes her a little tighter, only to pull her away and look at her with a more peaceful smile on her face.
"I promise," she vows in a solemn way.
"Come on, bedtime!", Call prods her with a pat on the shoulder. "I'll put these things away and catch up with you", she adds, picking up the cups and heading towards the OLIVIA.
*.*
After a few minutes, the top of Call's head peeps out of the round opening at the bottom of the hanging tent. Ripley giggles, amused.
"Now, I really want to see how you get up here!" she exclaims, teasing her about her small height.
"I suppose you're not going to help me!", the android jokes, not at all annoyed, scratching her head.
"Not yet", the other retorts, keeping on giggling.
"Alright, you watch", she challenges her, waving above her head to suggest stepping aside.
Under the clone's raised eyebrow, she firmly grasps the edge of the opening with both hands over her own shoulders, pulls the fabric to herself, and the shelter dips slightly in the middle. As soon as she feels her own feet lose their grip in the undergrowth, she gives herself the momentum with a grunt and with the help of her arms she takes a very impressive leap. With an easy twist of her torso, she lands with her butt on the edge of the opening, her legs still dangling out of the tent. "Slingshot effect!", she proclaims, satisfied!
"Yeah, well, not bad!", Ripley assesses, feigning little surprise.
Call dismisses her with an amused snort, closes the tent, pulls off her pants and slips into her sleeping bag laid out along one of the three sides. Ripley's face looks at her smilingly from the other side.
"I'm sorry about everything, Call, I mean it", the woman confesses, in a heartbroken voice.
"I know, Ripley. I'm sorry, too. But let's just put it behind us, okay? We've worked it out, that's all that matters", the girl reassures her, returning the smile.
"How old are you, Call?", the woman asks, after a long silence. "I learned in the records that the first second-generation androids date back almost a century", she adds, as if to remind her that she has checked into it.
"I'm not that old", Call informs her in a calm tone. "I'm seventy-one", she finally declares, without particular emphasis.
"Four months and a few days", the clone jokes, raising a hand.
"That's why you're so dumb!", the android teases her.
"I'm not dumb!", the woman chuckles back.
"Oh, yes you are!", Call insists in a hushed voice, curling up on her side. "Sleep well, Ripley", she finally says, cutting off the conversation.
"You too", Ripley mimics her movements, settling into the fetal position, and after smiling at her for a long moment, closes her eyes, forcing herself not to open them again until the next morning.