Elliot is stunned. What the hell had just happened?
Her case file? Why had she assumed that he would know whatever had happened to her?
He grabs his laptop, silently grateful he's able to remotely access the database from home. He types her name, badge number, and her previous address into the system, hoping it's enough information, since he doesn't know her current address yet.
Elliot couldn't have ever prepared for what he was about to read. Kidnapping. Burn marks from cigarette and heated keys. Four days. Witness of multiple rapes. Tortured. Malnourished. Drugged. Russian Roulette.
He panics. He can't stop his heart from racing and his tears from falling. He won't admit it, but there's an awful familiarity in his chest from Kathy's accident. He grabs his coat and keys, texts Eli that he's with Olivia in case he wakes up, and runs out the door. He needs to see her now.
He immediately heads to the front door of his building, and is about to hail a cab - he can't drive like this - until he recognizes a car across the street.
Olivia's.
Elliot crosses the street and sees Olivia with her head in her hands. Her hair is covering the sides of her face, and her shoulders are jerking back and forth. The pain in his chest intensifies. She's sobbing.
Fuck. He knows that she wants to be alone, but he can't handle another second of this.
"Olivia," he pleads in a hoarse voice. "Please, open the door."
"Fuck off, Elliot," she seethes, the tears on her face now in a clear view. She doesn't care if her words sting. He's reopened the wound that she's desperately tried to heal for the past eight years. She never wanted him to find out like this. What the hell could he possibly say to her now? Even ten years of radio silence, she'd dropped everything and masked the depths of her pain to comfort Elliot and his family. Why was he doing this to her?
"I swear to God, Olivia," he begins. "I had no idea. I...I just looked up your file, and, my God, Olivia...I'm so, so sorry..." he trails off, with sobs taking over his body.
Olivia stares at him for what seems like hours to Elliot. She had never let herself consider that Elliot hadn't known about Lewis. For the first few years after he left, it was easy and almost comforting to make those kinds of rationalizations. But the overwhelming need for his presence was too much for her to bear after Lewis. It was easier to feel anger instead of loss. She'd gone through enough hell to survive Lewis. She'd done the tough work and introspection in therapy to heal to the best of her ability from the repercussions of Lewis' actions.
She snaps out of her stream of consciousness, and studies Elliot. She hates herself for comparing the expression in his eyes, deep sobs, and uncontrollable breathing to Kathy's accident. But when she internalizes the similarity of his reaction, something clicks.
She briefly closes her eyes and wipes her tears. With shaky hands, she opens the car door to be face to face with him.
"You...you really didn't know," she whispers.
"Liv...if I had known..." he replies in the smallest voice she'd ever heard from him.
Before she knows it, she's in Elliot's arms, clinging onto him for dear life. It feels as if he's doing the same.
She'd wanted him to come back into her life after Lewis. She's never dealt with the grief from it; it was too easy to compartmentalize. The weight of the pain is daunting. She feels dizzy from the tears, and weak from the exacerbation.
He knows words could never ease the pain of what she went through as guilt takes over his entire body. This time, the roles are reversed from their embrace at the hospital, with Elliot whispering, "I'm sorry," over and over.
She doesn't know how long they hold each other for. All that she knows is that their embrace has unleashed a part of her that she hadn't realized she needed to heal from. The respite from his arms is overwhelming.
After their tears subside, Olivia pulls back, unable to look at him. She knows she has to lean into the vulnerability that's encompassed her psyche.
"You know I mentioned you," she whispers. "Said you'd break his back, his arms, his face..."
"Damn right I would've," he responds softly.
She takes a deep breath.
"I thought a lot about you, Elliot, during that time," she begins. "I needed you. Not as in, 'I can't survive or get through it without you,' because I did, and I have my squad, but...I needed you," she trailed off.
They've never explicitly said those words to each other. Instead it's been, you know everything about me, even the parts I'd rather forget and you mean the world to me, Liv.
He pulls her into his arms before the magnitude of her words sink in.
"If you ever need to talk about it…" he whispers against her shoulder. "I'm here. I promise I won't bring it up. The ball's in your court, Liv."
"Thanks," she says softly.
Elliot just went through hell, she thinks, yet this is the safest she's felt in a long time.
She knows they can't stay like this forever, and eventually untangles herself from him. "I need to head home, Elliot. My sitter can't watch Noah all night."
"Are you okay to drive?" he asks. "You can leave your car here overnight, and I can call you a cab."
She gives a small smile. "I appreciate that, Elliot, but I'm definitely able to drive home."
No one's looked out for me the way that he did.
Her eyes tell him all he needs to know. "Okay," he responds.
He takes a deep breath. "Thank you...for everything. I don't deserve you, Liv."
She's too exhausted to process that declaration.
"Please don't wait until it's too late to get your injuries checked out, El," she says. "Good night."
She called me El again, he thinks as he watches her drive away.