True Belonging

by Too Young to Feel This Tired

It always felt as if the world was grey, haunted, silent with barely enough noise for him to realize that he was awake and present. Except for when she touched him. When she touched him, the world bathed in the brightest colors of sunflowers and green ribbons in raven hair.

2. Childhood Part II

Title: True Belonging

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

Summary: It always felt as if the world was grey, haunted, silent with barely enough noise for him to realize that he was awake and present. Except for when she touched him. When she touched him, the world bathed in the brightest colors of sunflowers and green ribbons in raven hair.

Chapter Two: Childhood Part II.

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True friendship resists time, distance, and silence – Isabel Allende

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Holidays came and went, and Nana and Shuichi started elementary school together. They ended up in the same class sitting beside each other. Some kids were the same ones from their kindergarten while others were new. The new ones were nicer, but those who knew them tended to avoid still remembering how wild Shuichi could get if they messed with Nana. He wasn't a bad person, but sometimes he acted a bit wildly causing others to be scared of him. She didn't really get it. Shuichi was the last person she would be afraid of, but maybe it was different because in her mind all his good quality and heart outweighed his occasionally strange behavior. In the end, it didn't matter. By now she was used that it was just the two of them spending as much time as humanly possible together. They were best friends after all.

The raven-haired girl liked school. The homeroom teacher was much nicer and never seemed annoyed if she didn't do or say something correctly on the first try. She learned new things in school alongside Shuichi who took school very seriously always forcing her to start her homework early and slack off later.

'You're too serious,' she accused him as he forbade them from going to play by the woods because they needed to finish the homework, they were doing outside on the small table in the back of her granny's house.

Shuichi gave her a slightly offended look, 'It's not a bad thing to want to be the best in school.'

She chuckled, 'Don't be like that. I'm just teasing you.'

He let out an annoyed sound before he pointed at her exercise book, 'Stop wasting time, Nana. We will never be done at this rate.'

The girl let out a desperate sigh pushing her head against the small table for a moment. She wasn't as quick as Shuichi when it came to school. Usually, it didn't bother her all that much. She wasn't competitive like him. He acted like he wasn't but whenever they played one of the many board games he had at home or studied Nana could see just how hard he tried to be the winner or the first one to get the answer right. Personally, she found it funny that he tried to deny it getting slightly irritated if she and Shiori-san pushed their joking about it too far.

'I will never be as good at this as you,' she said tilting her up to look at him.

His eyes stayed on his writing as he replied like the smart guy he was slowly growing up to become, 'Not if you don't try harder.'

'I'm not smart enough,' Nana complained but raised her head off the table in order to start working again.

'You're just lazy,' replied Shuichi, which caused the girl to groan. She was tempted to figure out something clever to reply when all of the sudden she heard a familiar voice coming from the front of the house.

'Hello, is anyone home?' asked the cheerful voice, and even if the last time Nana called was over three months ago, Nana recognized it anyway.

For a second, she froze letting the knowledge of the person standing in front of the house for the first time in almost three years sink fully in.

'Nana?' she heard Shuichi's hesitated voice call out her name quietly enough so that the person who was in front of the house wouldn't hear them.

Her eyes rose to his green ones that reveal a mixture of concern and confusion. She felt the same way.

Slowly she rose from her seat and glance to the front before she returned to look at Shuichi with her heart in her throat, 'Uh, it's…it's my mom.'

Shuichi's confusion faded away, but his face twisted with a slight frown. She rarely talked about her mom with him. Mostly because there wasn't much to tell. Her mom wasn't around. Occasionally she called her granny and talked to Nana for a bit. Usually, it was around the big holidays or Nana's birthday. She didn't always call on the correct day, but at least she called.

Nana still missed her at times, but as Shuichi told her once after the first time, Hinata Izumi had called, she had her granny, him, and his mother. They were her sort of family now, so even if she missed her she didn't have to feel grief about her absence or her lack of sadness about the fact that she wasn't around.

Before coming to her granny's house, Nana didn't have much. The homes she lived with her mom and each time different uncles weren't as warm and nice as her granny's house. She more often than not didn't have any real toys. They always moved so even the kids she sometimes played with on the playgrounds near those homes, never became her friends and by now were almost forgettable as she couldn't remember a single one of their names or appearances. All of that with her mom's strange behavior just led Nana to believe that even though she missed her mom her life without her was still good. Maybe even better than good. It still hurt her heart to think in such a way, but she also couldn't bring herself to lie to her own mind about it.

She started to walk toward the front of the house to greet her mom. Her granny went to a neighbor's house, so Nana was told to lock the front door if they were going to be in the back. It was the end of May, so it was pleasant and warm to studies outside.

Once Nana finally came to the front, her lips pulled into a smile.

She missed her.

Their eyes immediately locked, and all Nana's worries melted away as all she could feel was the warm and homey feeling associated with her mom, who she hadn't seen for so long.

She did miss her.

It calmed her nerves and consciousness to know she wasn't a bad daughter or person after all.

Hinata Izumi, her mom didn't change much. She was as always tall with nice hair and modern clothes that made her look even younger than she was. Everyone, even strangers in the passing often stopped by and told her how pretty the woman was. She always rewarded them with a bright smile and quick chat. Unlike Nana, her mom always seemed to be in a mood to talk with strangers, get to know them and their lives. She sounded very friendly and bubbly at times, which seemed to draw people in.

'Come here, Nana-chan, let me see you. It had been so long,' she said in a cheerful voice almost like she was singing.

She looked happy and when she leaned down to hug the girl it almost felt warm and the same as when Izumi was around. For a moment, it reminded the girl of the good times they spent together sleeping in the same bed and making up their own bedtime stories, or running around the corner shops they did their grocery shopping searching for something cheap and new to try, or Izumi dressing Nana in front of a large mirror pushing their faces together and telling her one day she would be even prettier than her. All those memories brought a sense of home and family and overall happiness into the girl's heart as she held her mom and was grateful, she came back.

'I missed you soo much, Nana-chan,' continued the woman, 'You grew so big too.'

She then squeezed her side a bit causing Nana to squeak and pull away only to find her mom slightly frowning irritated, 'Ah, that old hag is feeding you too much. You've gotten so round. It's no good for us petite girls to be so round, you know?'

The raven-haired girl was confused by her words, but at the same time felt this strange sense of annoyance and sadness over what her mom said. She didn't like the way her mom called granny. She remembered sometimes when they were fighting thinking she was asleep such words came out, but in normal conversation, her mom used to call her granny or mom too.

Also, Nana didn't think she ate too much, was round or petite. Sure, other girls were smaller than her, but her granny told her, she and her mom were also tall when they were in elementary and middle school and then stopped so the boys could catch up to them. Right now, she was about three inches taller than Shuichi which sometimes caused him to make a grimace and look away informing her that one day he would be tall enough to put his chin over the top of her head.

Stupid.

Her mother was always a tall, thin, and very young-looking woman. Sometimes when she told people Nana was her daughter, it caused them to laugh claiming they thought they were sisters.

However, now that she had a moment to fully take her in from a close enough distance, Nana noticed her mom got a lot bonnier and skinnier. Even before, she was never fat, but now she seemed skinnier with her cheeks a bit hollow instead of nicely round as she remembered them. She was still pretty, but Nana used to think she looked better then.

Still, the girl with raven hair was happy to see her mom, she hadn't seen her in such a long time, and even if she rarely called which was the only time Nana truly felt the weight of missing her, she still loved her and wanted her to come back to live with her and granny like they sometimes used to.

'Guess what, Nana-chan?' asked the woman brightly. The conversation from before was obviously forgotten, 'You're going to live with me again, isn't that great?'

Something like a sense of bad omen hit Nana for a second when she heard those words. Whenever she remembered about the good times with her mom, she wished the woman would come back and live with them again. It wasn't perfect. Her granny and mom fought, but when they didn't it was nice to them talk and act like a mother and daughter. Some of their habits and quirks were very similar, and Nana found it funny whenever she caught her granny hum while cooking or checking the bill from the grocery store the way, her mom often did.

'You're going to live here?' asked Nana hopefully while feeling a sense of dread inside her stomach grow as her mom shook her head.

No…

'No, cutie, we're going to live at my new house, isn't that great? It's going to be the way it used to,' her mom said with a smile that now didn't cause the girl to feel happiness at all.

Nana's mouth shut closed as the little girl wasn't certain what to say. Her mom's words sank in and she realized their full meaning. She was right to feel dreadful about her mom's words.

She was going to live somewhere else. She was no longer going to live with her granny and Shuichi. She felt her stomach drop and a sense of nausea hit her. She couldn't process the idea. She had lived here for so long. She had been with her granny and Shuichi for so long. She couldn't imagine just leaving. Where would they go? Would she be able to come back and visit? Would she continue to go to the same school? She liked their school. The kids didn't make fun of her. The sensei was nicer to her. She…she didn't want to go.

Nana glanced backward at Shuichi, who must have followed her since the redheaded boy was now standing by the door watching the exchange with his eyes cold and his face serious. He wasn't frowning, but sometimes Shuichi didn't need to frown for Nana to know he found something upsetting, stupid, or annoying. Sometimes, she just knew even though he did his best not to act up. Whenever he acted up, he got punished and the teachers told his mom, who was sad or angry. Nana knew Shuichi hated doing that to her, so even if she could almost feel how his body wanted to move and react in such a wild way like a cornered animal would he held his ground just giving off this aura that only Nana could sense at times.

Her mom took her hand which caused her to look at her again, 'Aren't you happy?'

Nana wasn't sure. She didn't want to betray the joyful look on her mom's face, but at the same time, she didn't want to leave. She just didn't want to live anywhere else but here.

'W-will I be able to visit? I go to school here,' Nana said her voice weaker than before hoping her mom would understand what she meant. Her granny and Shiori-san sometimes did, and Shuichi almost always did.

The happy look slipped from her mom's face as if the idea that Nana wasn't thrilled about living with her again upset the woman.

'We'll see,' said her mom neutrally, 'I live quite far away. You should go pack your things so we can get there before the sun will go down.'

'But-,' the girl started not sure how to continue her heart speeding up with panic. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want to leave so soon. What about Shuichi and her granny? What about school and Shiori-san and Fuku?

'Nana-chan,' said her mom with a certain edge that caused a shiver to run across her back as she remembered how her mom used to get that edge right before she would get angry with her and then-

'We didn't finish our homework,' said Shuichi suddenly almost by her side. She didn't even realize when did he get there just that now he was so close she could take a step back and collide with him. It was oddly reassuring to have him there. She almost wanted to touch him or take his hand or press her shoulder against his. Anything really to fully feel that he was still there, that she hadn't left yet, and that he was still by her side.

Her mom blinked surprised at the boy as if before she didn't even realize he was there before she chuckled, 'Ah, who's this Nana-chan? Your boyfriend?'

Nana frowned a bit. She knew the word. She heard it before. Once already even as a reference to Shuichi, but the way her mom said it made it sound almost worse than mocking. It sounded insulting.

The girl didn't like the way she said it, and she couldn't keep the strange upset tone from her voice, 'This is Shuichi-kun, he's my best friend.'

'Well, hello, Shuichi-kun,' said her mom looking at him with a smile but her tone was once again mocking which annoyed Nana even more than before. Why was she like this to him? He didn't do anything. He was her best friend. Her granny and Shuichi's mom were always happy about them being friends. So why was her mom like this?

Slowly, Nana was losing the initial happiness about her mom's arrival, in fact, now she felt almost no joy about seeing her again left inside her chest. All was feeling were this sense of annoyance and sadness with the woman and the way she acted.

'I need to wait for granny, and we have school tomorrow,' she said and took a step to the side as if she wanted to shield Shuichi from her mom. She didn't understand why her mom was acting this way, but she didn't like it. He did nothing wrong, and he was her friend. Her mom was the one who was being mean and rude in Nana's opinion.

This caused her mom to frown a bit. They hadn't mentioned granny before, and clearly, her mom still didn't have a good relationship with her.

She made an extra effort to avoid a nasty look as she started to talk, 'You don't need to wait for the old hag, Nana-chan. I'm your mom. My word is greater than hers.'

Again it was as if someone froze Nana into a piece of ice as she heard the edge in her mom's voice. It reminded her of the times, she got angry with her because Nana wouldn't listen or because she didn't like something she did, or simply because she was acting weird. Usually, it always resolved with Nana's face or arm hurting because she would-

'Nana lives with her granny,' cut in Shuichi all of the sudden helping Nana to breathe again, 'She has a right to know Nana is living. She would be worried otherwise. Wouldn't you be worried?'

It might have sounded like an innocent question, but Nana knew better. She sensed the familiar tension in her best friend's body that meant he wasn't happy about the way her mom was acting and wanted to do something odd and wild.

Her mom frowned, 'Look, kid,' she took a step closer to them, 'This is between me and Nana-chan, so how about you went home to your mother? Or would you like me to call her?'

'It's not a problem. I can give you the number, that way she can even call the neighbor's house and talk to Nana's granny,' said Shuichi as if he completely forgot how upset his mom would be if she learned he was this rude to another adult.

Nana opened her mouth just as she saw her own mom was about to tell him something horrible, but the redheaded boy beat them to it, 'Besides, Nana doesn't have the key to the house. We were in the back. She can't leave without her things anyway.'

Her mouth snapped closed as she feared her tongue would betray her and reveal that Shuichi was lying. It wasn't a habit. It wasn't something they did. Sometimes, they told a little lie to fool her granny or his mom but eventually, they always came clean. Sometimes, they didn't tell them something like that the kids in the kindergarten were annoying or mean but that was just so they wouldn't worry about it. But never before Nana heard Shuichi openly lie like this.

The small house key that she had in her back pocket felt almost on fire as if it could burn its way out to reveal the lie.

'She's at the neighbor's house,' said Nana cutting through some of the tension between her mom and Shuichi, 'It's not far, and I need my things anyway.'

'I will go get her,' offered Shuichi, before he stepped away from Nana sharing a quick look with her, as if telling her to wait for him, before he rushed down the stairs and ran toward the house, Nana knew her granny had gone to.

Her mom watched him go mumbling something like, 'Annoying brat.'

Nana didn't dare to say anything still feeling strange about lying like that. It was all so strange. Her mom being here, and her decision to make her way. Shuichi's odd behavior. She wished…she wished this day never happened or her mom never showed up. Things were good before. Everything was fine. The day passed by, and she had a good life. A happy life.

Her mom didn't look pleased watching Shuichi disappear inside another house. Nana was sure she would tell her something or reacted in some way, but instead, the woman forced herself to smile again and nod, 'It's okay, Nana-chan. The old hag never let me carry a key from the house either. Don't worry about it.'

But she did worry. She worried a lot, and it was only the fact that her granny was too thrown off by her mom's arrival too, that she didn't question the whole house key thing and pulled her own out before they stepped inside to talk.

In the end, Nana was left once again to sit at the front of the house while her mom and granny were arguing inside the house. The only difference was that this time she had Shuichi as company sitting next to her. It was kind of embarrassing if she thought about it too much. It was embarrassing that he had to sit there and listen to the two women argue. Nana wasn't sure why she felt that way, but she did. She didn't want Shuichi to think poorly of her mom and granny. She didn't want him to think poorly of her since it was her fault they were fighting.

'It's alright. I can't even hear them,' he lied quietly as both of them could hear the women inside the house loud and clear.

Still, Nana offered him a grateful smile before she pulled his sleeve, 'We will see each other in school, and I will come here as often as I can.' She had been in this situation enough times to know, her mom would soon leave the house and tell her to follow her.

He looked at her hand on his sleeve, his voice incredibly weak as he asked, 'Promise?'

'I promise,' she said pushing her fist against her chest wishing she would keep this promise almost as much as she wished she didn't have to leave in the first place.

They looked at one another in a moment that felt heavy and harmonic at the same time. It made Nana want to cry more than anything.

I don't want to go.

Shuichi's smile was so small and quick she barely caught it before the door opened and her mom told her to come with her.

The raven-haired girl didn't move.

'Nana-chan,' said her mom by the pavement as she noticed the little girl continued to sit looking at Shuichi who was still looking at her. She couldn't help herself. Knowing that she might not see him for a long time somehow made it impossible for her to look away. She wanted to remember how he looked even if she saw him almost every day until now. She wanted to look at him just a little bit more and know that he was real, and that he was her friend, and that if she would close her eyes, she would be able to make out how looked without a single second guess. The shape of his face, the roundness of his cheeks, the warm forest in the spring color of his eyes. All of it. She wanted to imprint Shuichi's face into her mind as if it would somehow imprint him into her life in her mom's new home too.

'NANA!' snapped her mom, and even if the girl felt the familiar dread run through her, she continued to look at Shuichi, who continued to watch her. Neither of them moved, and Nana wondered if he was doing the same thing as her. Memorizing her, taking her into his mind the way she looked now forever-

'I said-'

'Nana, you should go with your mother,' said her granny suddenly as she also came out of the house.

The raven-haired girl finally looked away from Shuichi only to rush to her granny and hug her tightly remembering how she promised her she would always tell her goodbye before she would go anywhere with her mom.

'I want to stay,' she whispered into her granny's ear quietly feeling like she betrayed and hurt her mom just by letting those words out into the world even if she wanted nothing more than to be allowed to stay.

Her granny patted her back and forced her to let go of her. Her smile didn't reach her eyes and didn't really look like a smile at all with how wet her eyes looked. It made Nana want to cry even more.

'It won't be too long. I promise. Just give it a week,' said her wisely in a way that made it clear Nana was the child and she was the adult and should listen to her because she knew better. She didn't talk down to her often, but when she did Nana usually felt annoyed.

Now the girl felt like crying too, but instead, she nodded and walked past Shuichi almost wishing she could take his hand and take him with her. Her mom looked annoyed by the delay and hurried them away as if she didn't even care she didn't want to go.

Nana kept on stopping and looking at her best friend waving at him or just looking at him which caused her mom to be even more upset with the whole thing.

'He's just one boy, Nana,' the woman said with an annoyed tone rolling her eyes as she had to take her hand and force her to walk faster.

'He's my best friend,' replied the girl automatically wondering if Shuichi was holding back tears too and if it hurt him as much as it did her. Because it felt as if something was being torn up into an infinite number of little pieces of something sharp that seemed to make each of her steps heavier and heavier despite her mom's groans and complaints.

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Nana was supposed to stay with her mom for seven days. Everyone told him seven days would pass before he would know it. Shuichi didn't believe it one bit.

Every day that Nana didn't come to school, he felt anxious and upset. His sensei made him stand outside the classroom for being rude. He wasn't rude. He just didn't feel like answering his questions or doing what he was told. He kept on staring at Nana's desk wishing she was there.

As he walked from school, he stopped by her granny's house every day, but she always told him that Nana and her mother didn't call, but once they would she would immediately let him.

'She will be back before you know it,' said Nana's granny as she made him something small to eat while he did his homework there. It was a routine. They always stopped by Nana's house first since it was closer and then went to his. His mother usually came from work later, and Nana's granny was always home. It made more sense that way. It had been that way since they started school in April. Even if Nana wasn't here for a few days, he couldn't bring himself to change it even if it just reminded him how much he craved she would be there even more than anywhere else.

Nana knew his phone number. He taught her the same day he learned hers. The only reason why she hasn't called must have been that wherever she was, they didn't have a phone.

When they were younger, they talked about staying happy together forever. The longest they stayed away from each other was when he was at his grandparents, house for the holidays or when Nana was very ill for several days, but even then, he came to stand outside her window talking before her granny chased him away because she didn't want him to catch a cold from Nana.

This was the longest he had gone without seeing her or knowing if in a week he would. It made him worried, and the voice in the back of his mind seemed more and more pressing causing him to lash out at anyone who would get too close.

What if he won't see her after those seven days? What if he will never see her?

It didn't sit right with him. It was horrible to even think about. Her mother didn't even let her time to properly pack up, but he knew she managed to take the bluebird he gave her when they were younger. Did she look at it and think of him? Did she miss him? Whenever he came back home from his grandparents' house, she always seemed just as happy to see him as he felt always ready to leave everything behind and go play with him outside despite the protests of her granny and his mother.

It was five days now, and his dread hit an all times high.

'She will be home soon, Shuichi-kun,' his mother told him as she watched him, with concern all over her face, play with the food in front of him not really eating it during their dinner. She didn't know that. Nana hadn't called. Nana's strange mother hadn't called. What if they wouldn't call at all? What would happen then?

What if the last time he saw Nana was when she waved at him while she left with her mother?

His stomach dropped at the idea, and he couldn't finish his food.

'I don't want it!' he snapped at his mother feeling more irritated than ever ready to fight about it if he had to sensing the heavy voice in the back of his mind wasn't a voice anymore, but a person. This person was angry too that Nana was taken away when he knew she didn't want to go. He heard her as she hugged her grandmother. She asked her to allow her to stay, and she kept on turning back to look at him. Nana didn't want to go. She wanted to stay, but her granny let her, her mother took her, and he didn't stop her.

Stupid!

He stepped away from the table and rushed to his room closing the door after. He felt angry with himself now. Why didn't he stop her? Nana's mother never showed up, and now that she did, she could take his best friend away? She wasn't a good mother. She didn't care for Nana. He cared for Nana. His mother and Nana's granny cared for her. That…woman wasn't like them. She wasn't a part of their little group. She wasn't a part of their family.

Shuichi tossed himself on the bed trying to make sense of the persistent heavy voice of the person inside his mind while he let himself get drawn in dread and anger over Nana not being there.

Please, come back.

He didn't think he ever wished for anything as much as he wished for his best friend to come back that night. He just started to repeat it inside his mind like a mantra over and over again.

Please, come back. Please, come back. Please, come back. Please, come back. Please, come back.

Each time it felt as if his thoughts were more urgent and louder exhausting him in the process.

He didn't know when he fell asleep, but the next thing he knew he was awakened in the dark in his room already changed into his pajamas probably by his mother.

Shuichi would have fallen back asleep since there was no point now to stay up late, but before he could the heavy voice inside his head spoke.

Nana

It wasn't often that the voice spoke with words, Shuichi could understand, but this he could hear loud and clear as he felt a sense of something not smell, but something else that was so Nana he was sure more than anything that she was right outside.

Without a second to spare, he rushed outside his steps silent against the wooden stairs and then floors leading toward the front door, as the boy didn't want to wake up his mother.

Outside everything was dark and the air was a bit cold. It was the latest he had ever remember being out of the house or bed for that matter, and later Shuichi would find it incredibly peaceful. However, at the moment, he didn't waste time, and he ran to the backyard where he felt Nana's presence was the strongest.

The dark-haired girl was sitting behind one of the small chairs close to their garden. Even in the dark, he could make out her figure on the red chair wearing a white t-shirt and some dark pants with the backpack she took the day she left by her feet.

After he turned five, his mother allowed him to help up in the garden with more watering and sometimes planting the vegetables and flowers. He enjoyed every second of it more often than not doing things on his own even when his mother didn't ask him. By now he was good in everything garden-related and made sure to take care of it while his mother was busy with other house chores.

In the summer, Nana and he sometimes sat on the small chairs and watched the sunset after they were done playing in the backyard. Both sweaty and tired, they watched the pinkish sky talking about what they enjoyed about the day and what they would do the next day.

Despite the fact, that he missed her so much it felt like he was breathless without her, once Shuichi saw that Nana was there sitting close to his garden, he felt as if his whole body froze. He couldn't move or speak and ended up just looking at her slowly coming to terms that it was really her. She was really there. She was sitting there looking at the dark garden dressed like she would any other day with her bag seemingly untouched by her feet. The green ribbons that she now only sometimes wore were tied around the wrist of her left hand like she was in too much of a hurry to try and tied them around her hair herself. It was bizarre, and Shuichi was almost sure the whole world stopped at that moment.

She came back.

After a while, she looked to the side probably feeling his stare, and flinched as if she didn't expect to see him actually standing there.

'Hi,' her voice broke the curse, and his feet started to move toward her his heart beating like crazy the closer he got although what he felt enter his veins was pure relief, 'You're back.'

She nodded lifting her eyes to his, and he felt some of the anxiety return. Her eyes and face were red, and although Shuichi never saw Nana crying, he knew she must have been.

'What happened?' he asked softly taking his green chair next to her red one and looking at her. He felt as if his whole body was stretched like a string as he waited for her to say something anything.

Her fingers absently reached for her green ribbons tugging at the loose endings sticking out, 'My mom got angry and told me to go back to granny's. I…I was supposed to stay there the whole week. I don't want granny to be mad that I didn't try to harder to stay,' her shoulders shook a bit, and for a moment he was worried she would cry again, and he wouldn't know what to do, but instead, Nana took a deep breath and brushed her face into her sleeve.

He watched her for a moment trying to take what she told him in and think about what it actually meant.

'Why did your mom get angry?' he asked puzzled by what could Nana do to upset the woman. She seemed angry with her when she didn't want to leave, and Shuichi didn't like her, but Nana herself was a good person. She was nice and cheerful. Why would anyone be angry with her about anything? It didn't really make sense to him.

Nana turned away from him looking at the ground instead of at him. He thought she decided not to tell him which would be unreal since Nana always told him everything before finally, she took a deep breath and started her rant slightly frowning, 'I told her I didn't like it there. It wasn't like granny's house or any of our other homes. It was big and there were a lot of people living together. We slept on one bed with my mom with another two women on the opposite bed. Usually, my mom lived with some uncle, but this time there were at least seven men going in and out every couple of moments to smoke or for work or to buy something. Mom promised me every day, she would take me to school the next day, but we never went. I told her today that I wanted to call granny to take me to school, and she got upset. She told me if I hated it there so much, I should leave.'

She then brushed her face again her voice breaking a bit by the end which meant she would need a moment before she would start talking again so she wouldn't cry, 'I packed my bag and waited for her downstairs to take me to granny like she usually did, but she didn't even come down. One of those women, Tsua-san, was going for a smoke. She said mommy wasn't coming down and took me down the street to the bus stop. She paid the driver, and he stopped by the school. I walked from there.'

Shuichi was quiet taking all of it in feeling the familiar rage he felt before toward her mother. She didn't even walk her back to her granny's house and let her ride a bus all alone. His mother would never allow it. They were barely allowed to walk alone from school because it was so close to her granny's house. Closer than their kindergarten or the middle school they would probably go to next.

Nana let out a sigh, 'The bus was weird. It smelled, and it felt really lonely since there was just the bus driver, who didn't talk to me. It felt like forever until he stopped and when he did the streets were so dark. Some of the street lamps don't work. I thought I heard a big dog, so I ran, but he didn't follow me.'

'Lucky,' he said finally instead of all those things he wanted to say about her mother and all that happened. It wouldn't do him or her any good if he had. She was Nana's mother, but he still felt angry with her for hurting Nana like this. She was upset. If the woman was their teacher or any of the kids who sometimes tried to bully Nana, he would bit her or shove her, but this was different. He knew that even if the heave voice of the person in the back of his mind disagreed.

She hurt her. She should pay.

The feeling wasn't unfamiliar, but the intensity of it was. If Hinata Izumi was here now, Shuichi was almost afraid of what he would allow to that person in his mind do to her given how upset he was with her.

But luckily, the woman wasn't there, and Shuichi glanced up at his house. It was late and dark, and if Nana didn't want to wake up her granny there was only one thing they could do.

'You can stay in my room until morning. Your granny will be less upset if you come in the morning,' the redheaded boy said sounding more confident than he felt about it. Sometimes Nana's granny got upset about strange things and sometimes she acted too relaxed about dangerous ones in his mind such as when Nana's knee was bleeding because she fell on a rock in the grass. Who knew what she would do if Nana came to wake her up now? Would she even be able to wake her up? Nana's granny slept in the back of the house, and they had no doorbell. It wouldn't make much sense to disturb her now.

'Yeah?' asked the little girl glancing at him. She looked less like she was about to cry which was good, 'Okay, let's do that.'

He nodded and stood up, and Nana quickly followed him to the front door, he realized he left it unlocked.

Shuichi glanced back at her and pressed his index finger against his lips to signal her to be as quiet as she could so they wouldn't wake up his mother.

He led her in and locked the door afterward before they headed to his room. His mother's bedroom was silent, so he was sure, she was still asleep unaware of what happened.

Inside his room, he didn't turn on the light even though sometimes he really hated the dark. He wasn't scared, not of the dark at least. But sometimes, the voice inside his mind felt louder in the dark when everything was less distracting and soundless.

Nana left her backpack and shoes in his closet.

Shuichi wasn't sure if that meant they would have to wake up before his mother and sneak out or if Nana would stay in his room until the seven days, she was supposed to be with her mother would pass, but for tonight he didn't ask, 'You can sleep by the window.'

The raven-haired girl nodded and quickly went under the cover pressing her back against the wall to offer him more space as he slid under the cover next. It wasn't the first time they were in the same bed.

When they were younger, and Nana smelled so awful like all the other outsiders, Shuichi sometimes laid in her bed or pushed her down onto his just so she would smell more like him. It seemed to have work because in a way Nana's smell didn't bother him at all. In fact, he often put it on the same level as his own or his mother's.

Apart from those moments, there was once a time, they both pretended to be asleep when his mother came to check on them. This caused that her allowed Nana to stay the night. The moment his mother was down the stairs Shuichi and Nana had the longest pillow fight completely ruing his pillows while trying to cover their laughter shushing each other every now and then.

He didn't remember much of that night beyond that, but he figured it wasn't very different from sleeping next to her now with the only difference being the relief he felt upon Nana being near him again.

She came back.

'I'm glad you're back, Nana,' he whispered into the dark. Somehow the room felt even quieter than it felt when they were outside. It wasn't the way it usually was. The person in the back of his mind seemed calm tonight. Probably just as pleased with Nana's return as Shuichi felt.

She was so close he could feel her breathing against his face. He could sense her warmth against the right side of his body, and he could hear her heartbeat's steady rhythm in his ear. It was all very peaceful and relaxing lulling him to sleep.

He heard her let out a soft sigh and even without looking knew she was smiling a bit as she replied, 'I'm glad I'm back too. I missed you.'

He allowed himself to smile a bit as well. For the first time in those five horrible days, he felt as if all was right in the world, and he could allow himself to be happy, 'I missed you too.'

They were silent for a moment just drifting in the blissful feeling of being close to each other soothing their worries and dreadful feelings from the past couple of days.

'Hey, Shuichi?' asked Nana quietly, 'How did you know I was outside? I didn't want to wake up my granny, so I came here, but once when I got here, I realized I didn't want to wake up you and Shiori-san either,' she explained.

His eyes remained closed, but he could still feel her brown ones on his face even in the dark, 'I felt you.'

'Felt me?'

He glanced at her. He couldn't make out the color of her eyes, but he could still tell they were dark and big watching his, 'Yes, I woke up, and I felt you. I just knew it was you and that you were outside, so I went there.'

She blinked confused by this, but in the end, she offered him a bright smile, 'I'm glad you did. Thank you.'

He didn't think, she had to thank him for anything, but it still caused something inside him to feel incredibly proud of himself, 'You're welcome. Good night, Nana.'

'Night, Shuichi.'

Falling asleep, he made a promise to himself to never allow Nana to leave with her mother again.

Since then, he planted and processed to help grown the deepest grudge toward Nana's mean and strange mother. Although his mother always told him to be kind to everyone, and that even if people act poorly toward him, he should forgive them, he didn't think he would ever forgive the woman for how she acted toward Nana that time or any other time, the woman returned to her daughter's life.

---

As years went by, they no longer played on the playground, but mostly did so in their backyards or near the woods. They got older, and they dropped some of the games preferring to play football or with some other sports equipment, Shiori-san bought Shuichi. Despite his strange territorial behavior, he didn't have a problem sharing everything with her as if she was his sister. Occasionally, Nana even caught him referring to them as family and everyone else as outsiders.

'Family like siblings and such?' she asked him one day on the way from school. They were eight, close to nine, slowly moving toward the next grade.

Shuichi slightly frowned as he was thinking about something before, he shook his head, 'I'm not sure if the word is right, but the feeling is fitting so it will have to do.'

Nana chuckled at him, 'Sometimes, I feel like you're too old, Shuichi. Who says that?' It was true. Sometimes, it felt as if her best friend was from another era or at least wasn't as childish as she was anymore.

He reached over and before she could dodge him, he ruffled her hair stealing one of her green ribbons in the process without her noticing, 'Hey! Knock it off!'

She then chased him to her granny's house where she pulled her lower eyelid down with her pink and showed him her tongue.

'Rude!' Shuichi called out with a chuckle before he hurried away seemingly not upset at all with her ribbon still in his hands.

'Oi! Give that back, you thief!' snapped Nana as now she realized he took it from her hair.

She had half the mind to go after him and take it by force. Unfortunately, her granny caught her and chastised her for acting such a way to a friend no less and coming home with her hair all messy.

Groaning, the girl pulled her sole ribbon out and tried to fix her hair while apologizing to her granny, silently promising herself to get Shuichi for that later while heading to help their granny prepare for dinner.

Nana was getting pretty good with cooking and baking often trying to improve the food by mixing spices even if her granny thought it was pointless or silly. She liked to work with her hands, and it made far more sense to her than some of the homework, she was forced to do at school. So far she only helped with the preparations, but it always turned out great. In her free time, when Shuichi was busy reading about plants, she pulled out his mom's cookbooks and tried to write down ideas for different types of food.

Life went on, slowly, but it still went on. It couldn't have been stopped, and little by little things in their lives changed. They were growing up taking in the world in a different way.

After what happened with her mom, she didn't miss her, more often than not tunning any memory of her out before it would properly get into her mind. It was easier that way, as the events of those five days she was forced to be there still left her shaken whenever she was reminded of them.

Nana started to be more independent in her life. Her granny gave her more chores, but she also let her to do them her way. Sometimes they were annoying, but in the end, Nana didn't mind them. It felt good to be in control of things. It felt good to be growing up.

Shuichi and Nana started to walk around more, not just staying at their typical spots but finding new ones further from the streets they lived on. At times it felt like they could go anywhere if they wanted to and felt like it. It filled them both with a sense of adventure and excitement they didn't know before.

Nana decided it was a good thing too, and she could tell that Shuichi agreed.

---

'It's true!' snapped the brown-haired girl as some of them had their desk pulled closer and were playing Go-Fish.

It was the lunch break, so she was eating out of her bento box since she was already out of the game. Nana never really thought about it much, but before Misa-chan brought the whole thing up in class during the break it reminded her that it had occurred once.

The raven-haired girl didn't really pay attention to the start of the conversation since she was as usual seated next to Shuichi, but she was quickly catching onto the middle of it.

'My nee-chan told me,' instated the girl putting a hand across her heart to highlight just how true her words were, 'If your first kiss is lousy all your kisses will be lousy. It's a fact. It's like a curse.'

'Oi, Misa-chan, don't say nonsense,' said Daisuke while trying to beat Shuichi as they were the only ones left. Nana wouldn't call them friends. In fact, most of the time, she and Shuichi stuck to themselves ignoring their other classmates, but every now and then usually close to the beginning of the summer break, they were allowed more free time and hence asked to join the others to play a game with them during the breaks.

'It's true. It's true, and it's true, or are you calling my nee-chan a liar?' their classmate demanded her face turning red like a tomato the way it usually did when she got upset.

Nana as well as the rest of their class knew better than to challenge Misa since she respected her sister to the point of seeing her as a goddess and everything she ever said as law and holy truth.

While chewing, she briefly glanced at Shuichi who at the same time barely lifted his eyes toward her to share a quick look.

Before anyone could catch them sharing a look, they quickly looked away and Nana finished the veggies in her bento box. They knew Misa since the first grade, and by now they were certain most of the things her sister told her was either a lie or a form of a prank. Not that they bothered telling her of course, Nana was pretty sure that wouldn't do any good at all at this point.

'But still,' started Sero crossing his eyes, 'Can you imagine being cursed with lousy kisses for the rest of your life, yikes.'

Nana stopped chewing for a moment as she felt something in the back of her mind telling her she should pay closer attention to the conversation. It was something like a memory from when she was younger maybe five or six. She remembered running and laughing and then tasting…dirt.

---

Shuichi didn't really believe Misa's new story, just as he didn't believe her other ones. A long while ago, he and Nana came to the conclusion that Misa's sister was just toying with her. It would probably be better if someone told her, but so far, their stubborn classmate was highly against any sort of criticism about her older sister.

However, just as he was about to win the game, he heard Nana choke a bit and glanced her way. She looked a bit pale for a moment with a comical expression on her face before her cheeks turned a bit red from embarrassment. She looked his way, but even if she hadn't, he would know she must have remembered their first well for lack of a better word…kiss.

It wasn't anything special or anything that really crossed his mind until now. They must have been about six, and they were playing in Nana's backyard after a rainy day which caused that the grass was slippery. They were playing tag, and he almost had her when he slipped and ended up with his face against the wet ground before he could even raise his hands to soften the fall.

Nana as a true friend asked if he was alright while laughing hard and when she saw that he was fine and getting up asked What does the dirt taste like?

His decision to catch and show her was spontaneous the way most childhood decisions are. He quickly caught her pulling her by the hem of her shirt closer and while she laughed and shook her head, he pressed his face against her. He was aiming rather poorly just trying to get some dirt onto her face too, but somehow their mouths for a second pressed together before Nana shoved him to the ground with a strength he didn't expect, but started to wipe her face, 'Shuichi! Gross! That was mean!'

He could tell she didn't mean it, so he must have said something like Serves you right, and then carry on playing or heading to the house to clean up their faces. It happened so quickly and with no real intention behind it than an act of spur-of-the-moment revenge that he really forgot about the whole thing until now and apparently so did Nana.

He managed to beat Daisuki just as the break was about to end and they put back their desks and returned to their seats for the next class.

Nana was a bit reserved playing with her pencil most of the time clearly not paying attention and rather dealing with something else that was on her mind.

He couldn't help but feel irritated and glancing out of the window wondering why did Misa had to bring such a pointless thing up and mess things up. It wasn't a big deal. Those kinds of things never were. More often than not people asked them if they were boyfriend and girlfriend or made some stupid comments giggling like fools thinking they were being very clever.

Nowadays, Nana and he just shared a look and walked away not even giving up a response thinking adults were really lame sometimes.

Once the school was over, they waited for one another and started to walk home slowly parting with their classmates on the way until it was just to the two of them. Although their elementary school was close not many kids from their neighborhood went there. It was better that way since by experience most of those kids weren't very kind to Nana and therefore were people Shuichi considered worthy of their time anyway.

'You know it's not true, Nana,' he said after a while. He didn't like the strange atmosphere between them of something going on, but them not talking about it. He and Nana always talked when they headed home. They could talk about school, the new anime, homework, their classmates, her granny, or his mother for hours. Even if they didn't talk the air around them always felt fresh and freeing not gushy like it was now as if something heavy was polluting it. It made Shuichi's nose crinkle.

'Well, obviously,' Nana said making the word sound longer than it was before she turned toward him, 'But if it was it would be pretty shitty that all of your kisses would be lousy.'

'I honestly didn't even consider that a kiss,' he admitted hoping it wouldn't hurt her feelings, but of course, Nana brushed the back of her head and laughed a bit embarrassed, 'I actually didn't even remember it until today.'

He smiled feeling that whatever tension was between them was melting away. He was glad. He didn't want them to ever fight especially about stupid things like this. It would make things weird. He and Nana didn't have weird things between them. The others caused things to be weird. Nana understood him and accepted him. Even if the person in the back of his mind sometimes caused him to do weird things, she laughed it off or shook her head and told him it was alright.

'You're a bit weird sometimes, but I feel a bit weird sometimes too so maybe everyone is a bit weird, you know?'

Nana was just Nana, and he would hate for anything to force her to change and become like the others, an outsider. They were best friends. Nothing would ever change that.

'Me either. It was a while back, and it was an accident really,' he told her calmly recalling the details of that day that in the end was like any other.

Her giggle was free and cheerful meaning she was in a good mood again which made his good mood return as well, 'Yeah, our faces and lips just happened to meet.'

They walked for a moment. They were quiet, but it was the kind of quiet that was welcoming not forced, and weighted down with anything.

'Still,' her voice sounded a bit strange, but when he glanced at her, she had a calm look on her face maybe a bit curiosity hiding behind her eyes as she was looking over at him, 'some of the others looked pretty bummed about it too.'

'Probably because their first kisses were their mothers,' he said, and Nana looked to the sky to think about his words, 'Wouldn't that mean everyone's first kiss is their mom? I don't think every mom kisses you on the lips. Then again, our lips barely brushed, and all I could taste was dirt,' she said and then pointed an accusing finger at him, 'That was very mean, by the way, you animal.'

He chuckled at the nickname. Yesterday, when the heavy thoughts were getting the best of him such word would cause him to feel angry, but today, he was in too much of a good mood for that and the voices remained silent.

'Hey now. Like you said our lips barely brushed. I was the one who caught a mouthful of it,' he said which earned him a full-on explosion of laughter.

His friend even stopped walking to hold onto her stomach which caused him to laugh a bit as well because the sound and blissful feeling of warmth inside his chest that he felt while looking at Nana was contagious.

Once the raven-haired girl stopped, she brushed her eyes and straightened herself. Her face was red from the laughter and her voice was a bit breathless like she was just running at gym class when she asked, 'Do you want to try it again?'

He chuckled. It didn't sound as cheerful as it did a moment ago, but he still was in a rather good mood, 'What?'

She shrugged her shoulders in a nonchalant way. He wasn't sure if she was joking around or not, but Nana wasn't a very good liar. Usually, she gave away too much in her body language for him to be fooled.

Now, she looked relatively ordinary with a hint of curiosity and maybe some nervousness, but all in all very serious about her suggestion, 'You know so we know for sure we aren't cursed.'

'Oh, so our first kiss was lousy?' he couldn't help but tease as they started to walk again because sometimes Nana was too easy and because it bought him a moment to think about what she was asking of him.

A spark of nervosity was born inside his stomach although it wasn't completely horrible or uncomfortable. He was rarely nervous about anything since most of their lives were peaceful, but whenever he was it was usually about something bad that made the other person in his mind uneasy too. However, now it seemed it only slightly poked the other person, as the voices sounded almost curious.

Nana gave him a look like she wasn't amused at all by his attempts which made him smirk, 'It was full of dirt.'

'I suppose it's true,' he said looking up at the sky if only to have another moment to think about it and not have to look at Nana who seemed to be fairly interested in the idea. It wasn't that he was against it. He wouldn't full-on refuse her when really he didn't have a single argument why they shouldn't. It wouldn't mean anything. It didn't have to mean anything. They were best friends. So, it would just be like their first kiss minus the dirt of course. They wouldn't tell anyone. They would probably forget about it the same way, they did their first kiss. It could have been nice to have a first kiss that didn't remind them of dirt whenever they thought about it. There really wasn't any reason why not to do it.

When he and Nana looked at each other, he could tell that he took too long, and she considered her idea stupid and wanted to tell him to forget about it. Maybe she would make some lame joke so they could laugh and carry on as if nothing happened. It would make sense either way. They were kids, best friends. It didn't seem like they needed to do something like this.

Yet, the moment he realized all of this, he felt this strange urge probably from the light pressure of the person, he shared his mind with that he shouldn't let her back down from this.

His hand reached out to her sleeve as he quickly guided her behind the wall of one of the houses, so they would be out of the street view of anyone who would be passing by.

Nana's brown eyes seemed to have grown in size which caused blood to rush to his face and a heavy feeling of nervosity to settle inside his stomach for good.

What was he doing?

'Just once wouldn't hurt,' he said trying to make his voice sound normal although he was sure Nana could sense how uncomfortable and nervous, he felt. The only reason, he didn't try to stop it yet was because the voice in his mind kept pushing him with strange investment into the whole thing.

This was awkward. Things between them always came naturally, so why did this feel so pressured? It was stupid. Sure, his traditional grandparents would say only a married man and woman were allowed to kiss, and his mother would probably say something like only people who loved each other and were planning to get married one day kissed, but they were little kids anymore or stupid. They knew and saw enough to know sometimes people kissed. He knew at least about two of their classmates who did and they didn't really seem to be in love or plan to get married, and because no one else knew no one talked about it anyway.

'Yeah,' she said quietly her gaze on him even if he still couldn't bring himself to look at her again.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he still saw her shaking her head causing her single ponytail to bounce a bit. Ever since he took her green ribbon, she was forced to wear her hair in a high ponytail. It made her look taller and a bit older.

When Nana took a step closer, Shuichi finally turned his head back to look at her again.

She looked just as nervous as he felt, but at the same time, she held her jaw in a tight way to let him know she still wanted to go through it. It was a bizarre situation altogether. Why should they do something that made him so anxious his stomach was threatening to end his life? Why did it feel like his body had a mind of its own both pushing him forward while acting as if he should step back? He wondered if all second kisses were like that? It was terrifying and thrilling at the same time.

As he took a step toward her, he realized that they were incredibly close.

It wasn't new. They were close more often than not. They played and goofed around. They sat close to each other in close or on the chairs by his garden. They slept together in one bed their shoulders touching at each other two times. He was sure, he saw her face even closer than this, yet somehow he couldn't help but feel his face warming up probably the same way hers was because they were standing so close.

Nana was tall. He knew that she was the second tallest girl in their class, still three inches taller than him, but it was as if only now he could see just how tall she was since her face was at the same level as his.

For a moment, the two elementary students didn't move, say anything or even blink. The only thing that proved that they weren't statues was the fact that they continued to breathe tickling each other's faces with their rapid breaths. They were definitely breathing faster than normal, and despite all his nervosity and how loud his own heartbeat was, he could even make out Nana's with how close she was and how much pressure the voice inside the back of his mind was making at that moment pushing and pushing and pushing him both mentally and physically even closer.

After what felt like an antagonizing long moment, Shuichi took a shaky breath and closed his eyes finally making the decision to just do it and be done with it.

He wasn't sure who moved forward in the end, but when their lips touched it wasn't anything like he expected despite the fact that he went for it with absolutely no expectations.

Their kiss from before was quick and could only be considered as a kiss because their lips accidentally met when he went to take his revenge on her. He wasn't thinking when he did it, and he wasn't thinking about it afterward until this very day.

Now it was different. It wasn't anything more than their first kiss, a simple press of his lips against hers, but the fact that it was in full conscious, intention, and longer than their first one, certainly made it more than their first one. He didn't think before that Nana's lips could be soft, warm, and a bit wet. He didn't think that he would be able to almost feel the blood rushing through them which made him realize just how alive Nana's body was. He didn't think there would be this feeling of something delicate blooming inside his stomach like a sunflower and spreading pushing all anxiety he felt before out of its way leaving behind nothing but this blissful feeling that got his heartbeat to speed up about something other than how nervous he was or how awkward everything felt a moment ago. Even the heavy voice in the back of his mind that belonged to the other person who seemed to live there was strangely excited and curious about the whole thing shifting in his mind as if he wanted to do too many things at once that didn't really make sense to Shuichi yet. Sometimes, it was hard to follow the other person's voices, but he could make out at least that two words from all of the others.

Precious

Nana

When he broke the kiss his lips brushed against her which caused the tender feelings to momentary jump into something thrilling that he rather pushed away trying to hold on to the softer things.

It was a quick kiss, and he found it better and nicer than their first one for sure, but everything that was happening inside him felt too puzzling and confusing. The voices in his mind were ecstatically pushing him to do something he didn't understand and somehow found a bit alarming while the lack of touch now made the soft feelings seem overwhelming.

Luckily, for the young boy, when he looked at Nana she had just opened her eyes and even if her cheeks were red, her eyes revealed nothing but joy as she offered him that bright smile of hers she never failed to deliver when he needed it the most, 'Th-that wasn't bad at all.'

He returned her smile feeling some of the chaos that he was feeling began to settle in. There wasn't anything he should feel too weird out by. They were still Shuichi and Nana. They were still friends. Nothing changed.

'No, it wasn't. It was…lovely,' he decided to say, and he could tell it was the right thing since Nana nodded the color of her face returning to normal, 'It was…and hey no dirt.'

He chuckled sensing the voice in the back of his mind once again fading as they slowly stepped back to the street to carry on their journey home, 'Yes, that was an improvement.'

Nana nodded before she shrugged her shoulders, 'Soo, the first lousy kiss curse is a lie.' Nothing changed. It was still a sunny day. It was still evening. They still had math and history homework due for tomorrow. They were still Nana and Shuichi, and most importantly they were still best friends. It was a nice second kiss which proved whatever they needed to prove, and Shuichi would nicely tug it away as such and not think about it again at least for another couple of years the same way he did with the first one. The same way he knew Nana planned to do.

His shoulder playfully hit hers, 'Of course, it was a lie. Misa's sister always tells her nonsense like that.'

She shoved him her to tongue which made him chuckle as they carried on. It didn't feel like anything changed. It shouldn't have which was a good thing. The feelings were too overwhelming and confusing. It would be better to let them rest the same way he always hoped the voices would.

As they parted, they already started to talk about something else, there was still this hint of the two of them thinking about the kiss, but Shuichi was sure by tomorrow they would forget all about it. Still, as he turned around one last time to wave at her, he found Nana still waiting on the street looking at him. She didn't look different. She was still smiling at him the same way she always did, yet for some reason, it took him a while to finally turn around and continue to his house. It just felt as if he wanted to look at her a bit longer somewhere inside his stomach sensing the single petal of a sunflower growing.

Finally, he chuckled to himself for acting like an idiot and brushed the back of his neck while he turned around.

They were still best friends nothing else really mattered, and nothing else changed.

---

Sometimes, Shuichi couldn't push those heavy thoughts away no matter how much he tried.

They seemed to slip through the cracks in his walls nagging him to think and act a certain way. They were heavy, loud, and as much as Shuichi wished he could just banish them whenever they did enter his mind, they started to make more and more sense. Even if he knew biting, not sharing things, or simply dividing thing between his and not his was wrong, the voices in his mind that forced him to see the world that why made more sense than how his mother explained it simply claiming it was the right or the moral thing to do.

Still, as he was getting older, he was getting better to hide his annoyance when someone got too close smelling the way they did or tried to borrow something from him. It helped that most of their classmates matured and were no longer as obnoxious and loud as they were at the beginning, or that Nana always seemed to be willing to share everything even things she needed even if he told her that she should be more selfish at times or she would end up with nothing. It all helped to some extent to protect the others around him from him getting as Nana sometimes called it wild or like an animal.

With time, Shuichi was getting better at understanding the voices and what they wanted from him and managing a balance between acting the way they wanted him to and the way the society and his mother thought him too.

It started to change that day Nana came back from her mother's shaken and alone sitting by his garden. His anger hit an all-time high, and although he knew no one but the woman who took her was to blame, he felt it with every cell in his body how angry he was. It was then that the voices in the back of his mind revealed not to be just heavy thoughts or voices of some sort of bad attitude, but that they belonged to a real person. The person was impossible to describe or understand at times, but at least since then, Shuichi knew that there was someone else beside him living in the back of his mind. This person must have been always pressed since he had these feelings and heavy voices for as long as he could remember, but only now that he fully started to give in to the feelings of rage, hater, revenge, ownership did this person seemed to be able to show himself. His words were complicated probably because they contradicted with what Shuichi himself was feeling. Shuichi would get annoyed, but the person in his mind would get furious. He would feel like he needed to help Nana with something, but the person would feel like Nana was in danger and needed protection. They seemed far too intense, and it often caused him to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. He didn't think he should feel so intensely. He didn't want to treat everything that way, this other person wanted to. But he just couldn't help it.

At night it was the worse. With everything silent and with his mind lacking of distracting, the person's voice grew louder and more demanding slipping all the way into his dreams that for lack of better words scared him.

They were violent and cruel. He saw battlefields, fights, dead creatures, and humans alike. He saw a tall figure with white hair with blood between their fingers while holding onto a flower. Were these the thoughts and dreams of this person in his mind? Was he the tall creature with a tail and white hair? Who was he? Why was he in his mind? What did he want from him?

In the dreams, he was never sure who he really was, and the longer they took the more often that feeling of being someone else of not knowing who he was carried on even until those first moments of being awake before he heard his mother's calm and loving voice, 'Shuichi-kun, breakfast.'

He covered his face with his hands.

But was he?

He couldn't really tell. He knew who he was supposed to be. He knew who his mother was. He knew where he lived, how old he was, who was his best friend, where did they go to school, and more, but every time he tried to tell himself those things the heavy voices from his dreams were present repeating like a mantra:

Lies. Lies. Lies.

Everything was confusing, and it lasted longer and longer each day causing him to fear that perhaps one day he wouldn't remember who he was at all.

Who am I?

It scared him, but he couldn't bring himself to tell his mother or confined in Nana. They would be worried. They wouldn't understand. Maybe, it was the person in his mind who pushed him to secrecy, but at the same time, he wanted to keep it that way too. He told Nana many things, he didn't think he would ever repeat to anyone else, but some were just his alone. This was one of them.

He tried to ask his friend once about it as they walked toward the school the heavy voices whispering in the back of his mind that there was something nearby that was dangerous and deadly, and so he forced Nana to take a different road with him avoiding whatever caused the tall person in his mind to be worried.

'Nana,' he started without using the childish suffix to show her that it was important before he carried on his eyes fixed to the ground, 'Do you ever feel like you're not yourself? Like your someone else entirely? Someone who no one knows not even you?'

The black-haired girl tried to catch his gaze, but he purposely wouldn't let her half-expecting her not to answer at all. However, after a moment she did, 'Not really. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do or what should I do, but I always know who I am I guess.' It wasn't like he expected a different answer from her. It wasn't like he expected her to understand when he didn't either. He couldn't blame her for that, so instead he looked at her and told her to hurry up or they would be late sensing whatever his thoughts were warning him about was already heading the opposite direction.

---

Nana's mom came back shortly before her tenth birthday stopping her on her way to the supermarket for some groceries her granny asked her to buy. She looked surprised to see her, and despite her excitement, Nana started to feel her mom wasn't there because of her at all.

'I'm sorry, I haven't call in a while, but I was busy,' said the taller woman with dark hair with a smile waving her hand and shaking a bit, 'With work, you know?'

It was strange, and it didn't really sound right. Ever since Nana could remember her mom didn't work. Usually, they lived somewhere with uncles (who now Nana knew were her mom's boyfriends) who usually brought money for groceries and utilities. So, hearing her mom say she was busy with work didn't make much sense in Nana's mind.

Her mom didn't look good. The last time Nana saw her she was this tall and beautiful lady with long black hair. She always wore make-up and nice clothes her boyfriends bought for her. Growing up, whenever they went lots of men stopped by her mom to chat saying she was very pretty, or they stared a lot as she walked by.

'Men do that when they think a woman is attractive,' whispered her mom to her ear when she asked about it, 'Soon they will do that to you too. You will be even prettier than me, Nana-chan,' she said back then like it was the highest of praise, and Nana should be grateful for it and happy about such future.

'My, my, you grew so tall, Nana-chan,' said the woman now, but the longer they stood in front of the supermarket the less she looked like her mom even she had her voice and well, was her mom. She was still tall, but she lost a lot of weight looking skinner, her clothes were very low cut and short and made Nana a bit uncomfortable as she watched her. Subconsciously she tugged her sleeves further down her wrist as if she had more clothes on, it would let her somehow make her mother more dressed as well. Nana remembered her as the prettiest person, but now with all the heavy makeup she had on, the young girl didn't so anymore. Just like her granny, her mom smoked, but the smell was far worse than it was in the backyard right after her granny did so. If Shuichi was there, he would surely cover his nose and take a step back. He didn't like going to the backyard right after granny took a smoke, so standing this close to her mom would have been torturous for him.

'Thank you,' she said politely torn between wanting to step closer to her mom and give her a hug and stay away.

She was confused. She missed her mom at times in the middle of the night. Whenever her boyfriends were working the nightshifts and mom was home, she would snuggle with her on her tiny bed and tell her made-up stories about fairies and dream angels who would chase away all evil spirits that would try to harm her.

But after a while, she got used to her absence, and during the day when she was busy with granny, Fuku, Shuichi, Shiori, and school, she didn't really think much about her mom. It was becoming rarer and rarer that people asked about her, so there were days she hadn't thought of her at all.

It also didn't help that the last time she came to take Nana away things ended the way they did with Nana being forced to ride a bus alone and sleep in Shuichi's room. Until this day, neither Shiori-san nor her granny knew about it. Shuichi woke her up early and lead her out of the house with the first sunrise before his mom woke up. She didn't even feel bad about lying to her granny as the elderly woman looked so relieved and happy to see her again. She didn't really miss her mom at all after that wishing she never came to take her away again.

Was she a bad person because of that? Did it mean she didn't love her enough?

Seeing her now actually standing in front of her made Nana felt guilty all of the sudden for her conflicted emotions and tried to reach out to hug her. She could handle the smell, and for a moment held by her mom's skinny arms it felt good like old times when she was a child, and her mom was always around.

'I missed you,' she said hoping it was true and that she was still a good person.

Her mom chuckled and patted her head before she pulled her away just as a stranger came to stand next to her, 'Who do we have here?'

'My niece. Isn't she pretty,' said her mom quickly, and whatever warmth Nana felt quickly extinguished when she heard those words.

The woman gave her a look, Nana didn't understand, but not really sure how to react or what to say, she pressed her lips into a tight line and waited as the man looked at her. She always found it the easiest to not say anything when someone was lying. Shuichi always told her, her body language contradicted with her words giving her away. So she just tried not to say anything at all when such things happened.

She didn't like this man with her mom. He was probably another one of her mom's boyfriend, but he looked so filthy. Her own clothes were old, and she was no stranger to getting them messy with mud or rain when she and Shuichi played when they were younger, but this was different. There was just something about him that made Nana feel like he was dirty, and just the fact that he was standing this close to her made her feel dirty too.

'We need to go, take her too,' he said suddenly, and her mom's eyes widened. She looked worried for a moment which scared Nana and made her want to go home back to granny's house. Her mom was always either overly cheerful or angry. Never, before did Nana see her worried like this. It just wasn't a good look on her and made Nana feel like she should be alerted too.

Her mom shook her head at her as if telling her to stay there while she talked to the man in a hushed voice, 'She's just a kid. Forget about her. You don't need her.'

'Shut the hell up. You owe me, remember? Take her,' he said and lightened up a cigarette while Nana felt her heart speed up. Her mom didn't say anything else for a while just staring at the man before she looked over at the girl, 'Come on, Nana-chan. I will show you my new place, okay? Just-just don't tell granny about it. It will be our secret. I-I promise you won't stay. It will just be for a while. An hour max.'

The mention of granny reminded Nana about her promise. It was years now, but she still remembered she told her she would always make sure to tell her goodbye if she was leaving anywhere with her mom.

The girl shook her head trying to weakly protest, 'I need to go buy the groceries. Granny is waiting for me.'

She tried to walk toward the supermarket, but her mom already snatched her wrist and told her to be a good girl, and that it would be quick.

The man started to walk away, and Nana was too scared and confused to try and run away from her mom. She hadn't seen her for a while, and she said it would be quick. She would be able to go to granny's house afterward. She was sure of it. Mom would let her. She dropped her off there many times before and the last time, she allowed her to go alone. She had some money from her granny so she would be able to get a bus if she needed to or she would walk back if it was not that far. It would be fine. Nana tried to convince herself with every step she took passing familiar and then unfamiliar buildings and houses.

They led her through many alleys and streets she didn't recognize to a pretty tall building. There were a few men standing outside looking at them oddly and then greeting her mom as they passed them. Some even asking for Nana's name. Her mom always made it sound like it was nice to have such attention, but Nana would rather have they didn't even look at her trying to hide somehow behind her mom's skinny leg as they walked up the stairs toward some door that looked the same as all the others on the first floor.

Another man opened. He was fat, even more, filthy looking than the first one, and didn't seem happy about seeing any of them, 'What's this?'

Mom's boyfriend stepped closer and talked to him in the small hallway as her mom pushed her into the apartment. It was messy and full of garbage, unlike anything Nana ever saw. Granny's house was older than the other houses on the street, but it was always clean and welcoming. Before when the black-haired girl lived with her mom, their homes didn't always look clean, but it was still better than whatever this was.

Nana didn't like it and refused to sit down on the couch full of stains and empty food containers until her mom literally didn't force her down, 'Stop acting like a brat.'

The girl didn't reply wishing they would just leave already so she would be outside again where the air was fresh and clean, unlike this place. Shuichi would probably lose his mind if he was forced to this place.

No, because Shuichi wouldn't let himself be forced into such a place.

It was true. If Shuichi didn't want to do something, he just didn't. He refused, and he would shove or bite his way out if words didn't help. It didn't matter if it was a child or an adult.

The men argued in the hallway their voices growing louder before she heard one of them say, 'She's too young.'

And the other reply, 'Get over yourself,' and then something she didn't catch because her mom suddenly turned to her with a small smile and brushed her shoulders, 'It won't take long, I promise. Just…think about something else for a moment. Maybe your favorite doll? Dollie or what was her name?'

Nana didn't say anything since she didn't know what doll her mom was talking about. Usually, all Nana's toys were stuffed animals, and right now she didn't really want to think about them when all she wanted to do was to leave.

Finally, the big fat man came from the hallway and nodded to the door.

Before Nana could say anything, her mom stood up and signaled for her to stay, 'I'm just gonna go for a quick smoke on the balcony, okay? I'll be quick.'

Nana tried to stand up, but her mom pushed her shoulders down again. Her smile was gone and instead, with a very firm look, Izumi ordered her to stay on the couch.

The girl started to shake. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she didn't want to be alone in this place with a stranger man, who just went to the fridge and pulled something out, 'Would you like some coke?'

She didn't answer trying to stop shaking and hoping her mom would come back soon. Kami, at that moment, she would even want her mom's boyfriend to come back or anyone new to show up.

The man sat the open bottle down on the table in front of her and sat on the couch next to her.

'What's your name?' he asked, and she tried to keep her eyes on the bottle and the slowly raising bubbles instead of the man, 'Nana.'

'Hm, cute name. How old are you, Nana?' he asked, and she disliked even his voice still keeping her eyes on the bubbles hoping her mom and her new boyfriend would come back any moment. Her granny's smoke break was always quick. One moment she was in the house and the next she was outside. It was fast. So, what took her mom so long?

When she felt the man's hand across her shoulder as he hugged her closer to his side her body froze. She didn't know why, but she knew it wasn't right that he did that. She didn't know him. He didn't introduce himself. Sometimes her mom's boyfriends hugged her or tossed her into the air when she was younger. They were allowed to. They were kind of like her dads. But this man wasn't her mom's boyfriend. He was a stranger. He was a stranger, who touching her, and she didn't like it. She wanted him to stop and let her leave, but she couldn't open her mouth. She was scared. She was paralyzed with fear and this unknown feeling that took over her whole body. She never felt like this before, and she hated every living second of it.

The man didn't move further just kept on holding her, but it didn't change the fact that she didn't like it. When she felt his fingers start to stroke her side, she noticed the hands she was holding in fists on her knees were still shaking. She was terrified. She wanted to leave. She wanted him to stop. She wanted to be able to leave. She wanted to go to the supermarket and finish her shopping. She wanted he wanted to go home. She wanted to go to her granny. She wanted to go to Shuichi's house and play with him.

As the man's hand moved through her side up to her neck, she started to think about Shuichi just to distract herself as she felt her entire body was shaking now while she still stayed quiet letting the man continue.

She remembered the time, that boy on the playground said her clothes were ugly and that she was a poor rat. Shuichi heard it and before she could even process what he said to her, he threw the boy to the ground and bit his cheek. It wasn't like the time, he lightly nibbled at her neck when he was pretending to be a dog and wanted her to admit he won their wrestle. No, it was far more brutal, and the boy cried, and Shiori-san was upset with the both of them and even more when Shuichi said it felt right to bit him because he made Nana feel sad. He said he deserved it. It wasn't the first time, Nana saw him bite someone. He did it a lot and many told her he did. But he only did it to her once when they were playing, and it was strange, but not bad. She wasn't afraid. She knew he wouldn't hurt her. Shuichi sometimes acted like an animal, and when an animal is in distress it bites.

She thought about Shuichi, and how if he was here, he would surely defend her somehow. Even if it was a while back in kindergarten, Nana could picture him getting so animal-like and bite or bare his teeth if he was upset or angry with someone in her name or his own. Shuichi wouldn't let anyone make her feel like this. Sad, scared, upset. She knew her friend well. They promised each other to protect one another and have each other's backs. Shuichi would help her if he was here, but he wasn't.

When she felt the man's filthy finger slide inside her mouth despite how shaken and paralyzed with fear, she was she did the only thing she could and as hard as she would bite into a lollipop to crack it, she bit him.

His scream must have been heard even outside the apartment.

He jumped away from her holding onto his hand and saying curses she used to hear from her mom and her old boyfriends a lot.

Scared of what he might do now, but not feeling as helpless as she did before, she snatched the grocery bag that fell from her pocket and ran toward the door, down the stairs, and outside. No one was outside, and so Nana continued to run down the streets and alleys before she couldn't anymore. She fell to her knees somewhere on the sidewalk near a flower shop. Her legs hurt, but the girl didn't know if the angry fat man would now try to catch her. At least outside there were people. It was still daylight, and as she panted on the ground, she saw many women with children give her strange looks. She felt safer already just by the notion that they were present.

It felt like forever until she caught her breath again and started to realize she didn't really know where she was. Did she even take the same streets and alleys she did when she followed her mom? She couldn't remember. Once she was out of the building, Nana just kept on running until her legs gave out.

She crushed the grocery bag as tightly as she could, feeling everything that happened crashing down to her.

She spitted out not caring if anyone saw her or thought she was rude almost as if she could taste the man's nasty finger still in her mouth. A horrifying thought about the man trying to kiss her came to her mind and made her want to throw up. Imagining her perfect soft second kiss with Shuichi would have been erased by someone so horribly repulsive caused her to shake her head and try to push such thoughts as far away as possible at the same time as she tried to calm down her stomach.

'Nana!'

When she heard her name for a second, she thought someone came running after her from the building, but once her eyes looked up, she found out it was Shuichi in his casual clothes running toward her.

Before she knew it, he was on one knee looking at her with his forest green eyes all big and filled with something she never saw behind them before. Something, Nana didn't have the strength or emotional capacity to try and figure out at that moment as in that moment he was there in front of her so close she knew he was real, tears started to roll from her eyes and then run down her face while she grabbed a hold of his brown hoodie and tried to pull him closer.

He must have allowed it because she felt a pair of arms around her back and her face pressed against something soft yet solid catching all those tears that continued to fall down like a waterfall.

'It's okay, Nana. I found you,' she caught his voice say even if her ears were partly blocked by his arms with strength and confidence she was so desperately lacking at that moment. It made her feel safe like she was inside her granny's house with Shuichi doing their homework or playing a board game. Even if sometimes, she still didn't understand it, now she could fully get it and appreciate why was it so important for her best friend that she smelled like she was a part of his family. His smell calmed her in a way, she never thought a scent could reaching into the cracks of her heart that were made today as she was petrified with fear, somehow healing them just because he was here.

Despite the fact that Nana still couldn't stop crying, it made her feel better and after what felt like an eternity and two adults asking if they were alright, Nana finally rose her head. As she started to look around she found a small crowd of people, who were now very concerned about two kids kneeling on the ground in the middle of the city, staring at them waiting for answers about what was happening.

Shuichi helped her up still holding her wrist, and somehow, they managed to get away from their audience without anyone calling the police.

Once they were out of sight, he stopped letting go of her hand long enough to take off his hoodie and hand it to her. When they were kids, he did it a lot. He would give her his clothes claiming she would smell better that way. She found it a bit weird, but also funny back then, and overall, she didn't mind it that much. He didn't do it much lately, but at that moment, it felt very comforting to put the warm piece of clothing over her shirt. Even if she couldn't really smell things as good as he could, she still thought it smelled a lot like Shuichi which helped more than she could explain.

Once the hoodie was on, he took her hand again without a single word or hesitation still leading her with that confidence and strength he showed her before softening her fears.

With a trembling voice holding onto his hand so tight she thought she could have broken it she blurted out everything that happened from the moment she met her mother in the supermarket all the way until he found her.

'How…how did you do that?' she asked him as he led her to her granny's house the sun slowly going down. She wanted to make it there before it would. Shuichi was always with her. The only place, he ever went without her was to his mom's office, but that was by a train away from where they lived. He probably didn't know the city any better than she did, but he seemed to be able to lead them right back to their neighborhood without a second glance.

They weren't walking so fast anymore as he was right by her side now instead of in front of her. His head fell a bit and with a voice that was lower than his usual one he confessed, 'Your granny called my mother and said you didn't come home from the supermarket. She was worried. I told mother I would go look for you. I had a bad feeling. You said you would finish your chores and come to my house. I felt this…I felt like something bad happened to you, and I was worried,' he glanced at her his voice growing weaker and his eyes a bit shifty like he was scared she would be mad, 'I kept on thinking about you. Sometimes I have these voices in my head…thoughts really. They're not always good. Usually, they want me to do things like bite someone or be angry at somehow. Well, when I was worried about you, they just…lead me to you. Like they could sense your presence or energy or something. I just followed them not knowing where I was heading, and you were there in front of a flower shop. Figures,' he muttered with a hint of irritation.

She barked out a laugh that was far too nervous to be joyful, but she felt slightly better at his attempt at a joke.

Her fingers squeezed his hand a bit tighter to catch his attention, and she forced him to stop, 'I know I don't always understand those thoughts and why they make you feel like you're not you. But when that man-made me feel scared I did what those thoughts always told you to do and got away,' she said hoping it would also help him feel better, 'Today when you listen to them they helped you find me,' she wasn't sure if he would understand her words, but she wanted to make it clear she wasn't afraid of whatever side of him the others found different or odd, 'Maybe they aren't always nice or good, but they aren't always bad either. You don't have to be afraid of listening to them when it comes to me. I'm your friend no matter what, and you're mine.'

Shuichi squeezed her hand back, and Nana felt a million times better at that moment when he looked her deep into the eyes sounding just as confident and strong as he did before, 'From now on, I will go anywhere with you. I won't let anyone take you anywhere you don't want to go ever again. I promise, Nana. I will keep you safe.'

The words were strangely intense, and she figured they must have been caused by those heavy thoughts that confused him so much. Despite that, she appreciated them and felt glad that she had a friend who would look out for her that way. She was glad she had a friend like Shuichi more than anything in the world at that moment.

They finished their walk to her granny's house, where she again told her everything that happened while Shuichi's mom and a policeman were there too. She cried again a bit as she apologized and told her she didn't want to leave without a goodbye with mom again.

'Next time, I won't go anywhere with her. I won't even talk to her,' she said later that night as granny tugged her to bed the way she hadn't in a while. Her mom wasn't outside smoking. She left her there with that pervert as her granny and the policeman called him. She called her niece and not daughter, and she told her to wait there even if she could see Nana wanted anything but.

She felt tears gathering inside her eyes as she felt the spike burn inside her throat, 'I'm so angry at her. I wish…I wish she wasn't my mom anymore.'

The older woman gave her a soft but pained look, 'Your mom is a very complicated person. Some day, when you're old enough to understand that you will maybe forgive her.'

At that very moment, as she let her granny kiss her on the forehead goodbye, she doubted it. She was too mad at the woman. Maybe she wasn't her mom at all. She looked like her, but in a way, a not very good drawing would. Maybe just like Shuichi she had dark thoughts too. Without those thoughts, she was her pretty mommy, who tugged her to bed, played with her, and allowed her to eat the sweets they brought in the story during the day even before she had lunch. But once the dark thoughts came, she was…different from the skinny woman with a fake smile that smell like an ashtray. Unlike Shuichi whose thoughts helped him find her and her get away from the man's apartment, her mom's made her a bad mom and a bad person.

Falling asleep still confused and angry with some tears here and there running down her cheeks, Nana wished she would never see her mom again.

In two weeks, Shuichi and Nana shared a birthday party again the way they did every year since they met. This year, she managed to bake the cake all by herself and help with most of the food. It made her forget all about what happened with her mom and that man and after a few more weeks she stopped being scared of the supermarket and froze whenever she saw a tall dark-haired woman.

Until then Shuichi stuck to his word and accompanied her every time, she had to go shopping most of the time bringing his own bag.

---

Despite how positively, Nana spoke about his dark thoughts, Shuichi didn't allow himself to be so optimistic. They might have helped him find her and her to stay strong when she needed, but they still were far from good and decent. Like for instant, since what happened to Nana, he started to give his clothes to her so she would smell more like him. He was already used to her smell and even found it somewhat likable now that he could associate the smell with the warm and comforting feelings inside him of being friends with Nana. However, after he found her and felt the irrational fear and anger over how she smelled like cigarettes and at least two people he didn't know, he needed to erase every last cell of those foreign smells and leave only his and hers behind to calm himself.

He was also far more worried about her watching her more closely than he did before as if only now he realized how easy it would be for something to happen to her. After a few weeks, she looked fine. She no longer flinched when they saw some woman who reminded her of her mother, and she didn't glance over her shoulder on their way to and from the supermarket. He, on the other hand, always stayed alerted almost like he expected someone would try to snatch her if he didn't have his eyes on her.

He knew it was all because of those heavy voices inside his mind, so he knew they couldn't be all good. No one should be that worried about one person especially when Nana who experienced all of that was fine.

Now that he allowed those voices to guide him, it felt like they had an easier time slipping over the cracks invading his daily life. Things he used to enjoy he occasionally found dull and childish. The times after he woke up and couldn't remember who he became even longer almost to the point, he lost feelings toward his mother or Nana until he saw them. He was scared of becoming someone who wouldn't care for them.

Why?

Why when he was so protective of Nana and his mother one moment, he became careless the next?

'We will always be friends, right?' Nana asked from time to time, but the longer these thoughts clashed with his mind the less he was sure about it.

He wanted to. She was his best friend. His closest friend. She understood him, played with him, and spent time with him even despite all those weird things he did. She never got mad at him, and she wasn't afraid of him. She was close to him. He cared for her. He never wanted to not be friends with her or not feel happy to be friends with her. He never wanted to feel detached from love for his mother or the things he liked and games he liked to play. He never wanted not to be himself. Not to be Shuichi.

He never wanted to be that tall creature with white hair and a tail whose hands were soaked in blood.

However, with each passing day, he couldn't be sure if he could carry on any longer struggling to remember who he was afraid of, who he might become, and the tall white creature with ears and tail often standing behind him waiting.

It was shortly after their tenth birthday that his mom told them they could spend the night in the backyard watching a meteorite shower. Nana's granny brought them food that Nana helped to make and some wine, Nana's granny and his mother drank while the two of them sat on the blanket in the dark watching the night sky with their backs toward each other. He was excited about it the whole day, but once night came, Shuichi grew worried as the voices grew louder and the white creature got nearer.

For a moment, he thought it would put his clawed hand on his shoulder before he heard Nana's loud yawn.

He turned to her just as she turned to him with an embarrassed look her cheeks slightly red. The creature wasn't behind him anymore.

'What's the matter?' she asked when she took a closer look at his face. It was dark, but the light from the flashlights allowed them to see just fine.

'Afraid of the dark?' she teased without a bite, and he wanted to tease her back so badly, but couldn't find a single word to say. Was he losing his mind? Would he stop being himself after tonight?

'Shuichi?'

'What…what would you do if I became someone else?' he asked carefully, 'Someone who was different than me. Meaner, worse, wilder?' he turned his back to her not able to see her face, 'What if that person would no longer want to be friends with you?'

She was quiet for a while. It wasn't a very nice thing to ask. She was probably upset. He would be upset if she asked him something like that.

He felt her turn her back to him too, but then there was a weight on his back which meant she leaned against him, 'I don't know,' she said honestly in a quiet voice, his mom and her granny watched the sky oblivious to their exchange.

She spoke again this time her voice sounded a bit lighter but still quiet, 'I…I would stay your friend no matter what.'

The pressure on his back wasn't hard, but the weight of her words felt heavier than a mountain, 'And even if you didn't want to be friends with me anymore, I wouldn't stop trying to be friends with you. Even if you become someone else entirely, someone who, I wouldn't know, I won't let you go, Shuichi. Even if that happened, I think one way or another,' he felt her hand moved closer to his on the blanket and before he knew it, she hooked her pink with his, 'I would get you to be my friend again.'

The tears that began to fall down his cheeks startled him a bit as he couldn't even recall the last time, he had cry if ever, 'I thought a lot about how some things just happen and are meant to be. If for example, I didn't come to live with my granny, I would never have met you. And that just sounds horrible to me, you know? So don't worry about it, and if you do, it's okay. I have faith in our friendship for the both of us.'

He brushed his eyes several times with the back of his sleeve not able to say anything to that but trying to remain calm, 'Don't be so sentimental, Nana. It's not cool.'

She chuckled loudly, and he smiled not sure if meteor showers counted but making a wish anyway hoping that she was right. If in not a single math problem in her life, Shuichi really Nana would be right in this, and that one way or another once again they would become friends again if it ever came to it that he would change for good.

---

Who are you?

You know who I am. It is time. I am strong enough. You can let me out now.

I'm scared…

I'm you. This is how I planned this. This is how it's meant to be. It's time now.

It happened three days later. The voice of these heavy thoughts, of the creature with white hair which lived inside the back of his mind finally, spoke to him directly in a language he understood even if the words made no sense.

He was asleep, but it was as if a tornado picked up his mind and started to spin in around revealing all these places, people, creatures. Things he knew. Things he didn't know. Things he remembered. Things he had never seen before. It was very chaotic and terrifying crushing him in a way nothing ever did before in his life. It felt too much and at one point, he thought he would die from his mind being too full.

He felt like slowly everything about him, everything about Minamino Shuichi, was being erased and replaced with someone else's life, memories, feelings, and attributes. Everything who he was and what he knew and loved was slowly fading away leaving nothing behind. It started with him and followed with everyone he ever met until it reached close people such as Nana's granny, Nana, and finally his mother-

Yoko Kurama

'Shuichi-kun, wake up, you're going to be late,' his mother's voice caused him to wake up in an instant.

His eyes flew open and there she was smiling down at him in that calm and adoring way, she usually did every morning as she came to wake him up. She looked the same. She was a tall woman with dark hair and eyes still pretty for her age. She was the type of person who was nice to look at since she radiated peace and motherly love.

My mother

He knew now. He knew everything now. The creature in his mind was gone because he was the creature. He was Yoko Kurama, the legendary thief, kitsune from Makai that came into this world to save himself and hide from the hunters that almost killed him. He knew everything about who he was and why was he here. He remembered everything. His life in Makai, his companions, friends, his wealth, his home, all of it-

'Shuichi-kun, are you feeling alright?' asked his mother and pressed her hand against his forehead looking down at him with a hint of concern, 'Could it be a fever? It was warm the night we watched the meters, but you never know-'

Yet, this is his mother

He felt it. He still felt it. The connection to her. The love he had for her that made him want to be a good student and son and make her proud. It was all still there in his heart.

He still had a heart. It was beating and keeping him alive. It still meant he wasn't a completely yokai anymore, he was also somewhat of a human.

A yokai inside a human body

'I'm alright,' he said. His voice sounded the same. It didn't change to the deep haunting one he had when he got his enemies to shiver in fear. He sounded the same. He felt the same.

'I just had a strange dream,' he lied, or maybe he didn't. Perhaps, it was a dream. Just a dream that he was someone else, but now he was himself again. Not fully a yokai, but not fully a human he was just-

'Shuichi-kun, are you sure? You can skip one day, you know? It's not the end of the world,' his mother's words were kind and her eyes still revealed she wished to help him somehow and keep him safe.

Because he was her son, and as such, she loved him and wished to protect him the way human mothers do.

'Yes, I will get ready so Nana won't wait,' he told her and offered her a smile. It must have been believable enough because she left him alone to get change.

He looked around his room.

His room

It was still the same. It was still his. He filled it with books, games, clothing, and toys as was typical of the human world and their society rules, but it was still his room.

He got dressed quickly and went down for breakfast making sure to act as he normally would despite the shock it wasn't all that different from how he would have acted if it didn't happen today. Just because he remembered who he used to be he didn't have the urge to steal his food from his plate and rush to eat it somewhere alone or act by the laws of a savage yokai from Makai. This was who he was. He adapted. He changed. But he was still himself, wasn't he?

It was surreal, and once he got outside and started to walk, he realized just how surreal it was. This was his life, but it wasn't supposed to be. He made the decision to merge with the body of Shiori's fetus knowing he would be able to hide for at least ten years. He couldn't allow the hunters to find him, and he knew, for the most part, his yokai memories would be close by in his human mind. After the waiting period, he would gain them back and return to Makai. That was the plan. He didn't consider he would…be like this.

He didn't consider he would make a life here. His past yokai self took this as a lesser evil to be humiliated and degraded to live as a human for a few unremarkable years before he would be able to do whatever he wanted again.

This is my life

My home

My room

My mother

My-

'Hey, you're late, I can't believe it,' he heard a cheerful voice and looked up only to find Nana waiting for him by her house the way she did every morning before they would head to school.

When he left his mother's house, he wasn't even sure he would go to school still wondering about what he should do now. But here he was, where he would have been if he never gained his memories. He was in front of Nana's house, where she was waiting for him so they could carry on their way to class like they did every morning.

Nana looked…she looked the same.

Her hair was placed into a ponytail with her sole green ribbon tied around in. She was wearing a clean blue t-shirt and some old shorts he could tell were washed a number of times, but that sort of thing never bothered him the way it seemed some of the other kids. Her shoes were new, but she already almost ruined them by constantly using them to play football or run around near the woods.

Her face was the same and so was her smile. Bright like a sunflower that woke up to reach for the sun. She was just the same as she was any other day. She was just-

Nana

Despite regaining his past self's memories, he still felt about her the same way he did yesterday. She was his friend. His best friend. She was kind and a good person. She was funny and a bit boyish. She was a slacker when it came to her studies, but she worked hard when it came to cooking. She always tried to make him feel better and help him if she could. She took him as he was and despite the fact that it shouldn't be possible, he felt in his chest that most of the time, she understood him better than anyone else ever could.

She was a human, but she was his best friend.

The idea should have been absurd. Lunacy. How could a yokai be best friends with a ten-year-old girl? How could he even consider her a friend at all? He had companions before, yokai he could loosely call friends even, but to call this child such a way was-

The truth

Despite every conflicting thought and feeling he felt while looking at her, it was the truth. Nana was his best friend. He was a thousand-year-old yokai inside a human body, and this child was his best friend.

He chuckled wondering if insanity finally caught onto him. He did make a move, he didn't think any yokai tried before so who knew what could the real consequences be.

'Oi,' he felt Nana's hand reach for his. He didn't stop her. He didn't sense any danger. Her hold wasn't firm at all and her palm was warm inside his own hand. He could tell things about her, he didn't understand before such as the calming rhythm of her heartbeat or breathing, her personal scent mixed with the smell of clean clothing and soap, and a hint of what fruit she had for breakfast, but in the end, it didn't change the fact of who still was and what she meant to him. He still considered her his best friend. He still considered her his closest friend. He still would do anything to keep her safe. He still felt rage toward her mother for what she did to Nana although how he understood that his urges wished to end the pathetic woman's life. He still wanted to keep Nana close to him.

'What's so funny, weirdo? We're going to be late,' said Nana eyeing the madman smile that was still playing across his lips from all that had been happening.

Yes, of course, they were going to be late because they were two students who needed to get to class.

'Come on,' she started to lead him toward their school.

Nothing changed.

'Shuichi,' Nana called out after a moment with a slightly concerned look behind big brown eyes, 'Are you sure you're alright?'

He opened his mouth to correct her. He wanted to correct her. But why? She didn't need to know. He didn't even know if he would stay. The whole point of this, this life, this situation, he was in, was so that no one would know who he was. He was in hiding. If anyone of his enemies, of the Rekai, or the hunters sent to kill him found out he was here, he could be in danger all over again. Although he knew who he was, he also knew he was in no shape to fight yet. He wasn't even close to the level of power he used to be before he was hurt. Not to mention, if anyone heard this child ever even mention his real name, it would be a sure death sentence.

His throat felt dry as he imagined even for a split second of what would have happened if he told her his real name. He didn't want to reveal his real name to his mother. The idea didn't even cross his mind, so why did he wish to do it now and tell it to Nana of all people.

She pulled his hand as she stopped to get his attention again as she must have noticed he got lost in thoughts, 'Are you okay? We can go see the nurse if you're not. Just tell me.'

Again, the strangest urge arose to just tell her.

'I'm alright, just had an odd dream. I will tell you about it after class,' he quickly told her and took the lead in their journey to school. Nana didn't ask again trying to be as quick as possible so they wouldn't get in trouble.

All the while as they walked, Kurama couldn't help but wonder if because they were best friends, Nana seemed to have such a great almost magical hold over him that seemed to go against every yokai survival instinct.

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A.N: Hey, thank you for reading and the support. I hope you like the story so far. If you celebrate then Happy Easter. I hope you and your loved ones are safe and that you have a nice day :)