"Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, it seems to me most strange that men should fear, seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come."

Julius Caesar, Act II, Scene II, Lines 34-37.

—September 21st—

Sirius wasn't sure he was functioning, not really.

Seven days had gone by.

Seven days without any "Love you" or "Miss you" messages.

Seven days that he'd had to try and grieve his brother.

His mother hadn't given any details when she notified him, in the most shocking display of effort that he'd seen out of either parent in almost a decade. Sirius had been in class, his phone in his backpack when his Professor had been interrupted mid-sentence by a representative from the Student Services office at the door. So sorry to interrupt, Dr. Wilson, she had said. I know this is a bit unorthodox, but is a student named Sirius Black in class today? Dr. Wilson's eyes had scanned the classroom before gruffly calling out "Black? Sirius Black? Are you here today?"

Sirius had gathered his things and followed the Student Services representative out the door after apologizing to his Professor, who'd given Sirius a strange look before waving at him to go. He'd tried to get an explanation for what he was being pulled out for, but the woman was tight-lipped, providing only that someone had been trying to contact him about a family emergency. At that, Sirius reached into his backpack and fished around for his phone. Dead. That would explain why they'd called the school, he supposed.

As he'd followed the woman into the Office of Student Services, she'd gestured at him and asked the receptionist if "the parents" were still on the line. A nod and a brusque hand motion later, Sirius was being ushered into an empty office with a direction to answer the phone when the call came through. He'd sat down in the chair and stared at the open doorway before the phone rang and startled him.

"Sirius?"

"Mom?"

"Why didn't you have your phone on?" his mother had breathed out sharply, sounding very unlike herself.

"The school said there'd been an emergency...Is everyone okay? Is Reg—"

"Your brother is dead," his mother said flatly. "The service will be in two weeks, and you will be expected to attend."

Sirius had tried to respond, but there was no air in his lungs. He'd gasped into his hand while holding the phone away from him before pulling it back to his ear to hear his mother speaking again.

"Sirius? Jesus, the nerve you have to be disrespectful now, of all times. Your father and I need to handle the legal affairs, but a plane ticket has already been purchased for you. You'll be in attendance for the service—where you will behave appropriately, do you hear me? —and then you'll fly back to school the next day. Are we clear?"

Some sort of discernible noise must've made its way out of his throat, because his mother had sighed and said "And don't pull this 'not-answering' nonsense again, are we understood?" harshly before hanging up the call.

Sirius didn't remember walking out of the office. Or getting back to his dorm. Or laying down in his bed. Only that he'd ended up there, listening to Remus chat amicably with their two suitemates in the common area.

Sirius didn't think that Remus would ever forgive him for having gone through his things that first day. Remus had come back to the dorm and upon discovering that Sirius had touched his things, turned on his roommate with an icy glare, telling him that he would not be touching Remus' things again if he didn't want to be reported to the Office of Student Conduct. Sirius had recoiled a bit in confusion—they were just some books, weren't they? —before nodding in agreement and walking out to find food. The two had barely spoken since. From the conversations Sirius had had with James and Peter, Remus was nice enough to them...So it was just him, then. He wasn't sure how much time needed to pass before Remus would accept an apology, or if the boy ever would. Sirius hadn't tried to figure out whether his roommate's anger had simmered some, he'd just kept his head down.

The call had come on a Friday, a small blessing, Sirius realized. He'd only had Dr. Wilson's course in the morning, and after coming back to the dorm had laid numbly on his bed for the rest of the day. And the day after. And the one after that. If Remus had noticed that Sirius didn't get up and go to classes at his usual times, he hadn't said anything, and Sirius took that as tacit endorsement. He'd spent five days in that routine—spending half of the day sleeping uneasily, waking at odd hours from nightmares where he imagined any of the various painful ways that Regulus had died; the other half lying awake staring at the wall, desperately hoping this whole thing was a bad dream.

James had finally come to check on him on Wednesday, after noticing Sirius' absence for the second time that week in a class they shared. As soon as the boy had entered, Sirius realized he needed to pull it together. So he'd presented some excuse about not feeling well, and dissuaded James from taking him to the health center because "he was fine" and didn't need anything. After James had left, Sirius sat up properly for the first time in days and told himself to get off his ass and start preparing for the following week. Which he did, for two days.

But it was Friday again, and Sirius wasn't sure he was ready to go back to Dr. Wilson's class, despite it being his favorite course thus far. He grabbed his phone and double checked that it was fully charged, staring at it for a bit too long before walking out of the suite to his class. The lecture was..interesting? At least, Sirius thought it was, from the absentminded notes he'd taken in his journal. The class slipped by unappreciated until Sirius went to leave and Dr. Wilson pulled him aside.

"Student Services doesn't usually pull students directly out of my class, Mr. Black. I'd assume there was an emergency of sorts, are you alright?"

Sirius studiously avoided the gaze of his professor before swallowing thickly. He hadn't said it out loud yet. He wasn't ready. He wouldn't ever be ready.

"Um...Not quite sir, but things are being taken care of by the rest of my family back home," he stammered out quietly. Dr. Wilson looked at him carefully.

"Mr. Black," the older man began, "I know that schools like Princeton often carry a reputation of cutthroat academic cultures, but I hope you're aware that if there's ever something troublesome going on in your personal life, you can reach out to someone at our wellness center to talk."

Sirius nodded mutely, and the professor gazed on with concern before sighing. "Run along then, but if you need an extension on the assignment due this Thursday, do let me know."

Sirius murmured a quiet 'thanks' before pivoting and walking quickly out the door. He grabbed his phone out of his pocket almost immediately, and seeing no new messages, exhaled in relief before making his way back to his dorm. He'd done enough trying today, he figured, by attending class and speaking with his professor. He was ready to get back in bed and pretend none of this had happened—that Regulus had faked his death so he could escape their parents' house and would show up a bit worse for the wear, but alive on the front steps of his dorm.

Sirius knew better than to dream of that, but he still looked around hopefully when he reached the building. When no younger brother emerged from the bushes or stood up from the benches, Sirius let his head drop and pulled open the front door. 60 steps later—Sirius had finally found time to count them—he was back at the dorm. He walked into the room silently, subconsciously noting Remus reading a book on his side of the room, and threw his backpack on his desk. Grabbing his phone out of the side pocket, he moved to climb onto his bed, and had made it halfway through the process when his phone chimed in his hand. Glancing down, he recognized the area code and scowled. What more could any of his family members possibly have to tell him?

Hopping down from the rungs on the side of the bed, Sirius sat down at his desk to read the message.

10:28 AM — "Sirius...It's Andie, your cousin. Sorry about the number, had to get a new phone after dad kicked me out. I just read about Regulus in the paper...Are you okay?"

At least it was Andromeda , Sirius thought. His cousin was the only person he'd liked in his family—beyond Regulus, that is. She'd always been a bit more progressive in her beliefs than the rest of them, and when she'd been written off by her parents, Sirius had been saddened to lose his only other ally within the family. Regulus' death was in the paper, though? Sirius supposed he wasn't exactly surprised to hear that someone had written about it, considering the notoriety that his family name carried back home, but still. He swiped over to his internet browser and typed in his brother's name before dropping his phone on the desk with a clatter.

Sirius thought he heard someone speak from the other side of the room, but his head felt like it was slowly being swaddled with cotton as he looked down at his phone.

"Bright, Caring, Full of Potential": Community Grieves Son of Local Business Mogul Lost to Suicide

That couldn't...It couldn't be the truth, Sirius decided. This had to be someone playing a cruel trick on him. But as he reached out with a shaking hand to scroll for the rest of the article, his other hand came up to his mouth and he choked back a sob.

"A statement from Orion Black, CEO of Toujour Pur, confirmed the death of the family's youngest son Regulus Arcturus earlier this week. Regulus is remembered as "bright," "caring," and "full of potential" by peers and teachers, who have tied black ribbons on local trees in his honor. As the deceased is a minor, no formal details surrounding the death have been released by the local authorities, however the autopsy report published today has indicated that the Blacks' youngest child died of suicide. The Black family has requested privacy in this tragic time, and has encouraged mourners to make donations to NAMI in memory of their son, who is survived by his parents, Orion and Walburga, and his older brother, Sirius. A private service will be held on Thursday, September 28th."

Sirius' eyes blurred over as he got to the last line. He suddenly felt like he was choking on air. He needed space, needed to be out of the dorm, needed to get outside where he could breathe. Grabbing his phone off the desk, he darted to the door, slamming it on his way out, and ran from the suite to the fire escape on their floor. After maneuvering out of the window, he climbed to the top level and collapsed against the corner of the railing as harsh sobs tore from his throat. I left him, Sirius thought, I left him with them and he... Sirius couldn't bring himself to think the words, it couldn't be real, it just...couldn't. But the more he tried to avoid the words, the more clearly they seemed to swim behind his eyelids. His thoughts felt disjointed, his head spinning with the idea that these two impossibilities had somehow become his reality.

His brother was dead. A statement of fact that he'd been actively fighting for seven days. A statement that shouldn't be a fact at all, not about his sixteen-year-old brother. But the burning in his throat told him that it was, and he dry heaved over the edge of the metal frame, wishing more than anything for this nightmare to be over. He took a few minutes to collect himself to a certain extent, until his breathing was no longer made up of gasps but ragged chokes, before connecting the first thought to the second with a tenuous string.

His brother had died of suicide. The gasps came back, worse than before, because while his brother's death on its own could've been attributed to a number of causes, as soon as he'd read the word "suicide," Sirius had known in his soul that he had murdered his brother. If he had just stayed, if he had just gone to Harvard for fuck's sake, if he hadn't left his brother so ill-equipped to live in that house…

"Regulus," he murmured, repeating it over again with clasped hands as if his brother's name was a prayer that could absolve him of his guilt. He sat there, offering up confession after confession to whatever God was listening for hours. Sirius desperately pleaded for Regulus to be alive, for his own life to be taken in Regulus' place, for any sort of atonement he could do to bring his brother back.

When the tears stopped coming, Sirius realized it was getting dark and decided to go inside. As he began to climb down the metal steps, however, he caught a glimpse of a group of freshmen heading towards Main Street and was struck by an idea. Ignoring the slightly open window to his own floor, Sirius carefully climbed down the rest of the escape until he reached the ground before checking his wallet. His friend's fake ID that he'd confiscated two weeks back was still there, he was golden. With a shuddering breath and a swipe at his eyes, Sirius made his way towards the local bars, determined to drink enough to numb the ache in his stomach that had been growing into a chasm all week—or at least to die trying.

It couldn't be later than 2am, Remus groaned. It was 2am and his alarm was going off. It was 2am on a Saturday and his alarm was going off. Why the hell was his alarm going off?

Remus rolled over and fumbled around for his phone, still making that obnoxious chirping noise. Pulling it close to his face, he blearily opened his eyes when he realized that the usual "press the power button" method wasn't working to shut it off.

An unknown number was calling.

Confused, Remus answered with a groggy " uh… 'lo?"

"Hiiiiiiii Remus." Remus' eyes shot open.

"Sirius? What the hell, it's 2am" Remus heard a giggle from the other end.

"But but but I had an important question and it couldn't waiiiiit."

Remus paused before responding. "Are you drunk right now?"

"Maybe…" another giggle followed, before Remus could make out an exasperated voice coming from behind Sirius.

"Mister Black, I'm going to need you to get off of the phone soon unless this is someone who can take you home after your procedure" the woman's voice intoned in the background.

"Sirius, who was that?"

"No time to talk, Moon Boy. Can you come pick me up in a little bit?" Remus pinched his eyes in frustration.

"How am I supposed to pick you up when I don't even know where you are? And what d'you mean 'in a bit?' Did you forget what time it is?"

Remus' roommate didn't respond. Instead, the stern female voice from earlier did.

"Your friend is…" she paused, as if trying to find the words to explain the situation delicately, "rather incapacitated at the moment, Mr…."

"Lupin."

"Mr. Lupin, yes. Well. Mr. Black is here at Mercy General, we're going to be performing a procedure and he told us to contact you."

"He's—I'm sorry, he's undergoing a procedure at 2am? What sort of—" Remus paused, and the puzzle pieces all snapped into place. A mysterious text that had made Sirius pale dramatically. Sirius slamming the door on his way out of the dorm before noon. Sirius calling him drunk. From the hospital. At 2am. Jesus, they were pumping his stomach.

"I'll be there in 20 minutes."

After parking James' car in the lot, Remus practically ran into the emergency department of the local hospital. A brief chill went through him when he remembered the last time he was admitted to the emergency room back home, but he shook it off as he walked to the nurse's reception desk.

"Um...Hi, I'm looking for my friend? Sirius Black? I got a call that he—"

"Are you family?" the redhead at the desk asked without looking up.

"Well no, but—"

"Then you'll have to sit over there," she said, pointing to a row of uncomfortable looking plastic chairs.

"Um, okay...Just, if I'm his emergency contact," Remus paused to let those words roll around in his mind for a moment before continuing, "Will someone notify me when his procedure is completed?"

"You're his emergency contact?" the woman looked up at him for the first time in their conversation, skeptically appraising him. Remus nodded nervously. She sighed tiredly before quietly muttering "Alright, give me a moment," and disappearing past a wall behind the desk.

Remus cracked his knuckles, but after noticing what he was doing, forced his hands away from each other. Instead, he pushed one into his pocket and moved the other to his head, methodically running his fingers through his hair while regulating his breathing. He had a lot of questions, from "What happened?" to "How did I end up as your emergency contact?" but full answers to both of those would require Sirius' input, which he currently didn't have.

After realizing that he'd likely be waiting for a bit, he sat down and tried to puzzle out the second question regardless. When Remus first met Sirius, back in August, the boy had been asleep by the window. Remus had initially smiled, thinking he'd gained a kindred-soul of a roommate, before turning to face his things and realizing that someone, likely the boy by the window, since he'd left their door locked, had gone through his backpack. And moved (possibly read?) his card from Juliana. And pulled out one of his books. Remus thought he might just be confused at first, but no, he quickly realized, he was angry.

Despite not having grown up with siblings, Remus wasn't particularly touchy about sharing things with others—when they asked. But his books...those were something else. Those were years spent poring over classics while sitting through chemotherapy sessions, or reverently given gifts from his mother on his 18th birthday—which neither of them had been fully convinced he'd make it to—or Sundays in the local bookstore with Juliana. Those were his, his memories, his adolescence. They were something precious and valuable and while he was happy to share their brilliance with someone who would appreciate it, they weren't to be thrown around or used with no regard for their worth.

So yes, he decided. He was livid. And he told Sirius as much when he woke up, with a cold tone to his voice and an expression that spoke of deep disappointment. Remus thought he'd seen Sirius flinch a little when he'd raised his voice, but whatever the reaction was, it was gone before Remus could catalogue it properly, and his roommate had quietly replied that he was sorry and wouldn't do it again.

The two didn't talk much after that. Sirius seemed to retreat into himself, and for all of the manners that his mother had taught him, Remus couldn't ever seem to find the right moment to apologize. Instead, he'd made friends with the other two boys in their suite, deciding that he ought to be on speaking terms with at least some of his roommates. But he'd stolen glances at Sirius when no one was looking, and Remus had started getting worried about a week ago. Last Friday, he'd been sitting in the common room telling James for the third time that 'no, he didn't want to come to the party at that Matthew kid's place later that night' when Sirius walked through the suite to their room, looking dazed. Remus had debated going in after him, but ended up ruling against it, figuring that their lack of a relationship didn't exactly bode well for him asking about Sirius' general wellbeing.

When he'd finally gone into their room later, Sirius was laying on his side, facing the wall that his bed was against, and Remus breathed a sigh of relief that the boy was already asleep. But he stayed that way the next day, and the day after, and the one after that. Remus didn't know his roommate's schedule by heart, but he could've sworn that Sirius was usually out of the dorm before he was. By Wednesday, he'd convinced James to peek into the room around midday if Sirius didn't show up for the class they shared. Sirius was fine, James had reported back, just a little under the weather but he'd claimed that he'd be back in class the next day.

Everything had been normal for 24 hours, until Sirius had gotten that text today. Remus had been reading a collection of penny dreadfuls that his professor wanted them to emulate when Sirius had walked in, loudly throwing his backpack onto the side of his desk and jolting Remus out of his tranquility. A text chime had rung out as Sirius was climbing up onto his bed and moments later there was a clattering noise as Sirius' phone fell from his hands onto the desk. Remus had snapped his head up from his book to look at Sirius, who was standing stiffly, blood draining from his face with each passing moment. Sirius' hands had been shaking and his phone was still rocking slightly from the impact against the desk when Remus had spoken.

"Sirius?" he'd offered tentatively, not knowing what could've caused that sort of reaction in his roommate. Admittedly, he didn't know much about the boy, but he knew enough to know that something was wrong. Sirius was clearly shaken up by whatever he'd just seen, and as his roommate, Remus had felt obligated to make sure he was alright.

But he never got the chance, as Sirius had run out of their room, slamming the door, before Remus could ask after him again. And look where that got us, he thought as he brought himself back to the present, in the waiting room of the ER at 3:00 in the morning.

The receptionist finally came back after a half hour, with a nurse in tow who directed Remus to follow her. He did, trying not to shiver at how eerily familiar it felt to walk down hospital hallways. The nurse stopped at the doorway to the second to last room on his right, and turned to face him.

"Mr...Lupin, was it? I assume you're aware of what's gone on?"

Remus shook his head and the nurse narrowed her eyes at him.

"Mr. Black arrived severely intoxicated, and fell unconscious moments after he spoke with you over the phone. We took him in for a gastric suction procedure—what you'd likely call a stomach pump—in order to flush the toxins out of his system. He'd just woken up when I came to get you, so I assume he'll be alert enough to interact with you shortly," she paused as a gagging noise came from behind the door. "It would also be prudent of me to note that he'll be staying overnight. While excessive alcohol consumption isn't uncommon among college-aged students, we're required to administer a survey regarding a patient's mental health if they're brought in for any substance-abuse related incidents."

Remus nodded solemnly, wondering what exactly he'd gotten himself into. Another gagging noise spilled into the hallway and the nurse grimaced before holding the door to the room open for Remus.

The first thing that he noticed was the smell. While Remus' medication and general bent towards being a rule-abiding citizen meant that he had never had alcohol, he was familiar enough with the substance to recognize its scent hanging thickly in the room, as if someone had poured an entire bar's worth of liquor into the air itself. He then let his eyes focus on Sirius, massaging his throat gently and watching Remus with a surprising amount of awareness for someone who'd been blackout drunk an hour before. The two maintained tense eye contact while the nurse surveyed them, before she sighed and gestured for the other nurse to follow her out of the room to give the two boys some privacy.

"So," Remus began, "Good day, huh?"

He'd said this while walking around the bed to sit down in a chair, and Sirius' head had whipped around to face him before barking out a short laugh and then wincing.

"You could say that." He paused. "What're you doing here, Remus?"

"You called me. Apparently, I'm your emergency contact. Any of that ring a bell?"

Sirius shook his head slightly, not wanting to irritate his already sore throat any further.

"No...Can't say I particularly remember that." He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, wincing slightly. "Sorry...I know it's early. You can go back to the dorm if you want."

Remus snorted. "After all of the effort I put into getting my ass over here, and arguing with the receptionist, and standing around in the waiting room for an hour? I think not." He shot a concerned glance at his roommate. "No, I'll be sticking around until you leave. Anyhow, you're going to need a ride home."

Sirius shifted and opened his eyes to meet Remus' gaze. "Hadn't thought about that one...Fair enough, you win."

"I think you mean, 'you win Moon Boy,'" Remus offered up quietly, a smirk creeping its way onto his face.

Sirius groaned. "Oh God, did I really say that?"

Remus nodded.

"Sorry...I don't exactly think we're on a nickname basis yet."

Remus chuckled. "That's more my fault than anyone else's, it's fine. And trust me, 'Moon Boy' is not the worst one I've ever heard. At least it's moderately clever."

Sirius smiled gently before his eyelids began to slip again.

"Hey Sirius? I'm—" Remus started, and then ran a hand through his hair in frustration before trying again. "I just wanted you to know that I'm not mad about the books anymore. There hasn't been a good time to tell you, but I thought you should know."

Sirius nodded, his eyes still closed. "I appreciate that." He paused. "If only I hadn't undone all of that progress I'd made in gaining your esteem by getting you called to the ER at three in the morning."

Remus chuckled quietly. "There are worse things I could be doing at 3am." He looked over at Sirius, whose head was sliding down to rest on his shoulder. "But you look exhausted. Get some rest, maybe try to sleep off that hangover. We'll talk in the morning."

"Aye aye, Captain," Sirius whispered with a smirk, before falling asleep moments later. Remus looked around the room for a comfortable place to rest, seeing as he'd now been roped into an overnight hospital visit as well, but had determined that there were exactly two items of furniture in the room: the chair he was currently sitting in, and a couch running parallel to the hospital bed that his roommate was in. After a few glances between the boy and the couch, Remus stood up slowly, giving his joints time to adjust to him standing again. He walked over to the couch and situated himself on it, pulling his long legs in towards his chest to give himself as much space as possible. Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, within minutes he was asleep as well.

"— and we are going to be recommending that you take a course on responsible alcohol consumption from your university's health center, but beyond that, you're free to leave."

Remus' eyes fluttered open slowly to see Sirius sitting up in the hospital bed, a slight flush across his cheeks.

"Good to go then?" Remus said sleepily as he pulled himself into an upright position. Sirius nodded, seeming considerably more muted than he had been the night before. Remus yawned and stood up to stretch, while Sirius climbed out of the bed carefully and moved to grab his personal effects that the nurse had placed on the counter. The boys faced each other, quietly cataloguing the other's fatigue before Sirius spoke, his voice catching a bit as a result of the previous nights' procedure.

"You drove then?"

Remus smiled guiltily. "Stole James' car."

The corner of Sirius' mouth turned up a bit. "Well let's go then. I've signed all of the paperwork, so we shouldn't need to do anything else."

Remus gestured towards the door and waited for Sirius to walk through before following. The two climbed into James' car, a slightly dated minivan he'd inherited from his mother, and Remus turned the key in the ignition before pausing to look over at his roommate.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered quietly, shifting his gaze over his shoulder to back out from the parking spot. "I'd understand if you didn't, but...I don't know...Sometimes it's nice to get it out."

Sirius glanced over at Remus' face, now pointed straight ahead at the roadway, before sliding his gaze down to a small scar on Remus' upper arm, exposed under what was clearly an old pajama shirt of his. The kid had shown up at the hospital at 2:00 AM without question, even though they weren't on good terms—perhaps Remus wasn't as bad as he'd initially thought. Sirius shifted his head to look out the window. Before he could speak, though, Remus continued.

"For what it's worth...It doesn't have to be about last night, even. You've seemed a bit unwell all week, and I was afraid that it'd come off poorly if I asked what was wrong..." he trailed off, before finishing quietly. "I should've asked anyway. Sorry about that."

Sirius looked over in surprise. Remus' facial expressions were transparent. Sirius had realized as much soon after meeting him, when he caught a series of conflicting emotions warring on his roommate's face after he'd told Sirius off for touching his books. As he studied Remus' face, Sirius saw frustration and disappointment and...guilt? Sirius hadn't expected Remus to actually feel bad about the fact that he hadn't asked what had happened, but there it was, plainly written on his face.

Sirius shrugged. "Wasn't your job to ask, it's not your fault," he paused. "Plus, I don't know if I'd have answered you even if you had asked."

Remus' guilty expression faded, replaced with a more earnest one instead. When he spoke, it was gentle, as if he didn't want to make Sirius uncomfortable by the question.

"Does that mean you're going to tell me?"

"You did get called to the ER in the middle of the night. I figure that probably warrants some sort of explanation at least." Sirius shrugged again.

"Only if you're comfortable, don't want to force you to talk about things you're not ready to." Remus responded quietly, eyes never leaving the road.

"It's my younger brother Regulus," Sirius started, before pausing to look out the window and inhale deeply through his nose. "He's dead."

Sirius felt as if his throat was closing, and he suddenly realized that he'd never said the words aloud before. He swallowed thickly before shifting his head to face the front. Remus was silent, giving Sirius the space to say all of the words he'd been carrying around for a week.

"He died last Friday, and I found out more about the circumstances of his death yesterday and didn't take them well."

"That's understandable." Remus stated calmly. "I lost a friend of mine when I was younger. I didn't have alcohol at my disposal at the time, but I'm not entirely convinced I wouldn't have done something similar if I hadn't been living with my mom."

"I'm...sorry to hear that." Remus smiled a bit at Sirius' apology.

"No worries, it's been years. But your brother—Regulus, you said? What was he like?"

Sirius took a deep breath and brought his arm up against the window and propped his head up there.

"He was...All of the best parts of our family. Smart—he was so damn smart, the kid could pick up a language like no one's business. And good too. He always had such a good heart—he used to make snowflakes for all of our neighbors in the winter, you know the ones that you'd make by folding paper and cutting weird patterns into them? Every year when he was little, he'd make a string of them and bring them to our neighbors. They all loved him," Sirius smiled wistfully. "He was a good kid. Always was. Far better than I ever was."

Remus' smile was tight when Sirius looked over, but genuine nonetheless.

"Sounds like you loved him."

Sirius nodded and turned his head back to the front again. "He was an easy person to love, all things considered. Always making sure everybody else was doing alright, staying out of trouble, doing well in classes."

Both were quiet for a moment. Remus squeezed the steering wheel tightly before relaxing his hands and asking the question that had been on his mind for the last 24 hours.

"What changed? Yesterday, I mean."

Sirius was silent, and Remus immediately started cursing himself for having asked such a personal question and began stuttering out an apology.

"I'm so—God that was a stupid question. You don't have to answer that, I shouldn't have asked—You're not—"

Sirius cut him off with a weak smile. "It's fine. And a fair question anyhow." He drew a sharp breath. "I found out yesterday that he killed himself."

Remus' eyes widened but he pointedly avoided Sirius' gaze, instead pulling a hand off of the wheel to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Jesus," Remus breathed out. "God, Sirius, I'm so sorry."

Sirius didn't respond. He was looking out the window now, hoping that if he didn't make eye contact with Remus, the conversation wouldn't feel as real as he knew it was. Seeing that Sirius had turned away, Remus spoke again, his gentle voice hardened slightly, breaking the silence.

"There aren't really good words to say in response to that. Not that you asked for them, I mean, just...It's a hard thing for people to come to terms with, you know?" Remus shook his head. "Stupid question, of course you know. It's just…" he trailed off, searching for the right words to at least express his thoughts, if not to comfort Sirius.

"People are always like 'oh, he's in a better place now,' after someone's died, you know? And maybe they are, maybe he is, but none of them are the ones left behind to pick up the pieces. We have to do that. We have to find the joy to fill the empty places where they once were, and the friendships to try and make up for what was lost in them and...it's exhausting. It's not 'all good' just because they aren't 'suffering on earth' anymore, and I just...I think it's stupid when people say that." He shook his head firmly, and then exhaled loudly in frustration.

"Things like this are shit. This is shit. You shouldn't be dealing with this at 18, your brother shouldn't have been dealing with this at 16...None of this is okay."

The car rolled to a halt as they pulled into the lot nearest their dorm. Remus looked over at Sirius, who was staring at him in shock, tear tracks on his face.

"I—that was a lot, I'm sorry," Remus said, scratching the back of his neck nervously. "I just think it's bullshit when people try to tell you that everything is fine after something like this. Your world just flipped on its head, you don't want pointless mantras about the 'sun coming out tomorrow,' you want your brother back."

"Yeah," Sirius choked out quietly. "I do."

Remus frowned at the dark-haired boy sitting next to him.

"I'm really sorry, Sirius. Really. If you need...I know I don't have much to offer, but...If you need anything, let me know, okay? Even if it's just to talk."

Sirius nodded, wiping the tears off of his face and moving to get unbuckled.

"Talking might not be so bad, if you'll tolerate me," Sirius responded quietly. A kind smile appeared on the younger boy's face.

"In that case, what do you say we clean up and get changed and then go grab that 'get-to-know-you' lunch that we never had?"

Sirius smiled weakly before nodding again.

"I think that'd be alright." He stepped out of the car, but paused as he shut the door. "Hey Remus?"

The boy in question turned to face Sirius from across the car, and worried hazel eyes examined Sirius carefully before he arched an eyebrow in response.

"Thank you."

"Of course. What are roommates for?"