Omake 2: The Misadventures of Chadwin, Vol I
Setting: Chapters 1-10, interspersed
MC: Chadwin (Confident ver)
In KXD, Chadwin serves a new customer…
"Hey girl, you come here often?"
The girl with the green stripe in her hair pauses. "No, I don't. This is my first time, in fact."
"Well, I'd like it if you would come more often. Hey, while you're at it, come over here." I grin and beckon her over.
She looks at the girl with the pink-dyed hair and they both shrug. "Okay, what do you want?" Green asks, stepping up to the counter.
"I… want you." I say, extending a hand gently.
"Jesus, Chadwin." Rakim says from beside me. "Could you be any creepier?"
"Shh, I'm trying to woo a lady."
"Yeah… Eep, manager!"
Behind me, I hear the distinctive sigh of the manager of our KXD. "Chadwin, how many times do I have to tell you-"
Before she can finish her sentence, something moves outside, and the doors suddenly explode inwards-
In G&K's Temporary base, SOPMOD gives a tour...
"-and over here's the cafeteria. Springfield runs it." Sop concludes her tour of the third floor. "Any questions?"
"Hmm… Yes, I do have one question." I say, nodding sagely.
"Hit me." Sop grins.
"You said our rooms are on the fourth floor, correct?"
"Yeah, we're going to see those next." She says. "Honestly, there's not that much to look at, but I'll give you a thorough tour." She grins, once again exposing her elongated canines.
"Wel, I wanted to know if you meant to say 'our room' singular." I grin at her. "Because I know it'd be more enjoyable spending time sleeping with you."
She narrows her eyes, but doesn't say anything for several seconds. "Ohhh… I get it."
"You do? Great! Where's our room?"
"No, not that." She shakes her head. "I figured out who you remind me of. It's our old commander, Commander Jakoby!"
"Sounds like a handsome devil." I respond smoothly. "What happened to him?"
"Oh, I got fed up with him constantly trying to touch my boobs so I found an undetonated bomb on a mission and fixed it up before giving it to him as a present."
"...Ah."
In Paradeus' temporary headquarters, after defeating a Nyto...
"I thought I told you not to aim my gun at me." 416 accuses me.
"Ah, well…" I trail off while meeting her harsh glare with a gentle smile. "I have several things I wanted to point your direction, my love, my attention, and my-"
"I'm not interested." she cuts me off, before frowning. "Did you hit your head?"
"Maybe." I grin at her. "Would you check for lumps?"
"Nein, if you pass out, I'll tell 9 to drag you back to back by your ankle. Maybe a few more bumps will fix that dopey smile you have."
"Oh, don't be like that. We make a good team, you and I."
She glares at me, before aiming her glare in a different direction. "This is why I hate humans."
"Hmm?"
Just as I get confused by the lovely woman's words, three more lovely women enter the room.
Well, it's my sacred duty. I turn to the triplets. "Ladies!"
They pause as one and glance at me curiously.
"How would you like to come back with me to my place-"
A strangled cry comes from behind me and something hits the back of my head, sending me once again into the void.
In G&K's temporary base, shooting range, Chadwin's being taught by HK 416…
"So, this rifle is your namesake, huh?" I examine the HK416 in my hands, the one that the Doll usually wields.
"That is correct." HK 416 nods.
"Do you use just any 416, or specifically this one?"
"I only use this one." The doll confirms. "Each T-doll is bound to one weapon, which is the embodiment of our soul."
"Huh." I look more carefully at the gun. "So, if I stroke it like this-" I run my fingers down the length of the barrel guard.
Her face shifts into a glare. "Don't do thaAAaaAat-" Her voice goes all weird as my finger taps the trigger guard.
Hmm? Is she feeling what I'm doing with the rifle?
Ignoring her, I continue to stroke the weapon, before switching to pressing the fire mode selector switch on and off rapidly. Then I eject the mag, inserting it and ejecting it over and over.
By the time I look back over at 416, she's sprawled on the floor, panting heavily, cheeks flushed.
If it wasn't for the look of pure rage in her eyes, I'd consider this a win.
"Hey you two, how's it go- whoa." UMP 9 walks in. "What happened here?"
"Hey UMP 9, can I see your gun?"
She looks between me and HK 416, who's slowly getting to her feet. "Mmm, nah, I think you'll be busy for the foreseeable future. But, ask me tonight and I might even say yes."
"Oh?" I grin.
HK 416 finally gets to her feet. "ICH WERDE DICH UMBRINGEN!" She screams, before she slams a fist into my face.
In Paradeus' temporary headquarters, during a data retrieval mission...
"So you were messing with 416's gun, and that's why your nose looks like that?" UMP 45 asks.
"Yeah." I grin, which gives my fractured nose a little twinge. "She's so uptight."
"Well, it sounds to me like you were messing around, so you deserve what you got." UMP 9 says. "You're not supposed to toy with a maiden's heart."
"Oh, I wasn't toying with her heart, I was just caressing her weapon."
"Suuure." UMP 9 grins. "Her reaction to you touching her gun had no bearing on it."
"Nope!"
Behind me, I can hear HK 416 sighing heavily. "If I knew he was going to be such a creep…"
"I'm not a creep." I turn to face her, walking backwards. "I just enjoy making others feel good."
G11 looks at the four of us in mild confusion. "What happened?"
UMP 45 turns to G11. "Chadwin has turned out to be a molester. You need to stay far away from him."
"...Oh."
"HEY!" I yell at the one-eyed doll. "I'm not a molester! I'm just enthusiastic!"
"Can we get back to harvesting this data before I decide to bring it down on our heads?" HK 416 grumbles loudly. "The sooner we're gone, the better."
"Sure, sure." UMP 45 turns to the racks of damaged servers. "Looks like you already did a number on them though."
"It wasn't easy to kill the Nyto." 416 grumbles a lot more quietly.
"Of course it wasn't. The three of us seemed to manage just fine though." UMP 45 shrugs before pulling a wire out of her arm and plugging it into the server rack.
UMP 9 steps up to her taller team mate. "Maybe you should retire from being a T-doll. Go into the sexual services sector."
"Wha-"
"You mean T-dolls are also escorts?" I ask.
"Nah, not T-doll, just dolls with their fire cores removed." UMP 9 tells me. "So, if you get 416's fire control core removed…"
I turn to the blue-silver haired doll, an expectant look plastered on my face.
"I am an ELITE TACTICAL DOLL." She grinds out from between clenched teeth. "I am NOT an escort doll!"
"I dunno." I say. "I think you'd look good in a bunny suit."
UMP 9 stops whatever she was about to say. "Actually, We did dress up that one time for Easter-"
I rush up to her. "You have pictures?"
She grins. "Of course!"
HK 416 stalks over. "If you show him-"
Her threat remains unfinished as the building suddenly loses power, and the door slams open, several forms standing in the gloom with weapons already charged and ready...
Chadwin has fried his door so it will no longer lock back up…
"I should have just taken M500's offer to sleep with her." I grumble as the cowgirl pushes the door open without using the handle, showing how the door is broken.
"I… didn't mean that I'd sleep with you, just that you could use my bed." M500 scratches her cheek. "Well, good luck."
I look down at UMP 45, who's currently rolling around on the floor, laughing. "What's so funny?"
"I, I told you!" She stops to catch her breath. "I told P7 where your room was!"
"Okay, but-"
"P7 is a notorious prankster." SAA sighs. "If you go to sleep now, she's going to do something."
"...Crap." I turn to M500. "Can you keep her out? Please?" I turn on the charm, but she just laughs nervously.
"Nnnah, I think I have some stuff to do. I do know a doll that would probably like to guard you. I'll go fetch her, you go to sleep."
"...Alright." At this point, I'm too tired to argue. Hell, my attempt at flirting completely backfired! That's super unusual!
I collapse into the bed and drift off to sleep. I dream of the attack earlier, and wake up in a cold sweat.
In front of me, in the dark, windowless room, a pair of bright blue eye light look back at me.
"O-oh, hello." I try to plaster my typical grin on my face, but it fails. I can tell it's a bit shaky. Then again, it's dark in here.
"Hello, commander." comes a soft voice. "Were you having a nightmare?"
"Yeah." I nod. "Today got to me, I guess."
"Well, I'm here for you now." Two slender arms wrap around me and pull me in closer. "Just relax."
"Er… thanks?"
She pulls me into her embrace, and I realize before long that she's moaning to herself softly.
To be honest, it's kinda unnerving.
"Uh… who are you again?"
"I'm 9A-91." She says, her breath hot and heavy. "And YOU are MY commander."
"Rrrrright." I start trying to pry myself away, but her grip feels like a vise.
"So Commander, I hear you keep asking dolls to sleep with you, right?"
"Uh-"
"Well, you don't have to, because I'll do all that for you."
"Nah, see-"
"Shhh." She puts a finger to my lips. "Just let it happen."
"Help?"
No help comes.
Outside Sector 3, inside Paradeus' reserve unit hangar…
416 and I frantically look around for a place to hide.
"There!" She indicates an open and empty crate.
We both run up, and she dumps me unceremoniously into the box headfirst before leaping in behind me, closing the lid and lying down on top of me.
Despite the circumstances, I realize that in an effort to not have her land on me, I had raised my arm up and now have a handful of her breast.
I give it a few good squeezes. Hmm. Very elastic, nice shape, kinda weighty, even through her clothes. I'd rate it-
She grabs my wrist with one of her hands. "Stop. Touching. Me."
"Hmm? Oh, but I was just admiring-"
"Stop, or I kill you right here."
"...Fine." I release her boob and move my hands to the side. "If you'd just let me-"
"I don't care if you'd 'make me go to heaven' or whatever metaphor you were planning on using. I don't like you." She hisses.
"..."
"Maybe if you stopped harassing me-"
"Okay." I sigh. "Well, I'll stop."
"Huh?"
"What? You told me to stop, so I'll stop."
"... If I had known it was that easy-"
The lid of the crate opens and a Paradeus soldier looks down at the two of us.
"...Uh oh." I groan.
In a hastily constructed G&K camp outside Sector 3…
"Chadwin's been… helpful." UMP 45 eyes me from the seat beside mine. "If he wasn't there… we might've had some more issues." She frowns. "Actually, we might've had less-"
"See? Like I said, I can take care of myself." I state.
Lexi sighs. "Chadwin, you realize that you just talked to us for half an hour about how cute all of the girls in this PMC are? You never actually told us what the hell you were doing."
"Yes." Dad nods. "And thanks to the lovely lady beside you, we at least have some idea."
"Danke." UMP 45 nods gracefully. "Well, I have to go wrangle my sister and the rest of my team." UMP 45 stands up and flattens her skirt with her hands. "Chadwin, I'll talk with you later."
She leaves, and Commander Gentiane comes in.
She and my parents start to talk to each other about boring things and I tune out, replaying the conversation from earlier in my head. Did I leave out anything?
I told them how sexy HK 416 was, How graceful Tokarev is, How stupid cool SOPMOD and P90 are, and how I got molested by 9A-91… nah, nothing important was forgotten.
Still, where did the 'lovely lady' thing come from? UMP 45 isn't a lady at all. She's aggressive, acts like she's better than me all the time, and refuses to let me touch her.
"And she's kinda flat." I finish the thought out loud.
"Ahem."
I turn around to see UMP 45 has returned with the rest of 404 in tow.
Her mechanical hand balls into a fist, and the last thing I remember for a while is the metal knuckles racing towards my face.
Inside Chadwin's house…
"So, a change of clothes, huh." I stroke my chin. "Okay, I can do that." I turn to 416, 15, and M4. "Follow me."
"...Do I have to?" 15 sighs, before turning to follow me.
"Well, I guess I'd like to get out of this leotard…" M4 frowns down at herself.
"I thought it was a sweater?" HK 416 raises an eyebrow. "How do you stand wearing that all day?"
M4 shrugs.
"Anyway." I open my t-shirt drawer. "Take whatever you want."
"Alright." AR-15 pulls out a shirt, with the text 'Sexy Beast' on the front. She sets it back down and starts rooting through the shirts again.
"Er… can we borrow some pants too?" M4 asks.
"Sorry." I shrug. "I don't have that many sets of pants."
The three T-dolls stare at me. I desperately try to keep a straight face.
HK 416 starts opening other drawers and quickly fonts my pants drawer. "Oh, really?"
"Well, I need those. We're going on a trip soon, right?"
The dolls look at each other. "Okay, we'll be taking these."
416 scoops up two plain shirts and a pair of pants. M4 grabs herself her own set, including a shirt with a picture of a cat and the label 'Pussy stroker'.
AR-15 sighs as she lifts another T-shirt out of my drawers and reads it aloud. "If you think this is sexy, you should see me with this shirt off."
I beam at her. "That's one of my favorites!"
"...I'm going to shoot you."
M4 pokes her head back into my room. "No shooting the field agent."
"But-!" 15 protests but M4 cuts her off.
"-At least wait until we have somewhere to stay first." M4 clarifies.
"...Roger." 15 gives me a smug grin, and I start to sweat nervously. "So, do you have any normal shirts?"
In the bathroom of Chadwin's house…
Having failed to invite anyone to shower with me, you can imagine my surprise when the door to the bathroom opens and shuts.
"Lexi, I'm in here." I state in annoyance.
"Lexi?" UMP 45's cold voice comes from the other side of the curtain. "No, not quite."
"Oh! You changed your mind?" I ask, peeking around the edge of the curtain. "You're gonna join?"
She laughs, a hollow sound. "No." She pulls out a pistol, setting it down on the edge of the sink. "I think you and I need to have a talk. You stay hidden by the curtain, or I use the pistol. Verstehen?"
"...Uh, yeah, I got it." I go back behind the curtain.
"First, some ground rules going forwards. Don't ask G11 to shower with you. Don't ask 9 to shower with you. Don't ask 416 to shower with you."
"I didn't ask 416, she already told me to stop 'harassing' her." I grumble.
"Well. That's… encouraging." She sighs. "Okay, past that, don't try to touch any of us. Ever. Unless it's a life or death situation, at which point I assume you're not going to be groping anyone." Her voice lowers. "And if you do, I'll gut you myself."
"Geez, fine. No touching." I sigh. "Take away all my fun, why don't you?"
"Don't you have 9A-91 for that?" She asks. "From what I hear, you two had fun."
Despite the hot water on my back, I shiver. "No, she's… I don't want to see her ever again."
"Well, I'll tell Gentiane to assign her to you permanently." UMP 45 opens the bathroom door to leave.
"Oh!" My sister's voice comes from the doorway. "Have you seen my brother?"
"Back in there." UMP 45 leaves.
The door remains open, and I decide it's safe to poke my head out.
Lexi stands there, flabbergasted. "Bro, a girl was willing to be within ten feet of you while you're naked?"
"Uh… yes?"
A single tear runs down her face. "God is dead."
In Chadwin's bedroom…
SV-98 and RO are playing rock-paper-Scissors in the corner of my room.
I'm kinda curious to see what's going on, but last time I had gotten close, AR-15 had snapped at me.
In any case, I can tell it's some sort of tournament. Briefly, I wonder if it's who gets the privilege of sleeping next to me in bed, but… I keep seeing the winners of each round leave, so that can't be it.
Or… I guess… well, some of the dolls seem less than thrilled to be here with me. Maybe they're trying to see who has to sleep in here rather than who gets to.
As I watch, RO throws rock as SV throws scissors, and RO stands up. She turns to me and nods her head, saying "Goodnight."
"Yeah… goodnight." I watch SV-98's face go through expressions rapidly. None of them are particularly nice.
When she finally settles on a smile that doesn't really look genuine, she turns around and stands up. "So… ready to get to sleep?"
"Yeah…" I shrug. "I'll, uh, sleep on the chair. You can have the bed."
She blinks. "Really? I thought you would want to… erm, 'cuddle'."
"Well, I do, but you don't seem to want that. So…" I shrug.
SV-98 sighs. "Look, if you want to sleep in the same bed, you can, just don't let your hands wander."
A ray of hope descends and illuminates SV-98 as if she were an angel.
"As crazy as it is to say, at least you're not as bad as Commander Jakoby." She gives me a wan smile. "You at least stop when we ask you to."
"So… you don't hate me?"
"Did anyone say they hated you?" SV-98 blinks.
I shake my head.
"Then you're good. For the most part. Just keep your hands to yourself, okay?"
"I… yeah, I can do that." I nod. "Thank you for saying that."
She shrugs.
I carefully climb into bed, squeezing myself into the edge to not accidentally touch SV-98. I mean, she asked me not to, so I shouldn't.
Right?
I manage to get to sleep oddly quickly. Probably due to how long the last few days were. When I wake up though, it's still dark out and lots of eyes are looking at me.
"Chadwin." UMP 45's cold voice cuts through the night air. "Let's go."
"Let's go where?" I ask, trying to sit up.
I say trying, because SV-98 is sprawled out, face down, halfway on top of me.
"Uh…" I start to panic as I remember our conversation. "Help?" I ask the awake dolls.
"Nah, that's your mess." UMP 9 says. "Have fun getting out of it."
"Please?"
HK 416 steps up. "Promise to stop groping me?"
"Yes! I already did, didn't I?"
HK 416 stares at me for a second before switching her glare to SV-98. She raises her hand and whacks SV-98 on the back of the head.
SV-98 jolts and sits up. "What just happened?" She looks around at the dolls from 404. "...Oh."
"Sorry." I apologize. "Looks like I'm needed to be bait again."
"Okay. No problem." She looks down from where she sits on top of me. "What is this hard thing under me?"
UMP 45 and 9 facepalm.
"I… please get off of me?" I ask politely.
In a certain clothing boutique…
"I think this would look good on you." I hand Tokarev a set of clothes.
She looks at the clothing then back at me. "It is blue and white, but it's not really… an entire outfit, is it?"
"It's being sold as one, right?"
Tokarev looks around. "Maybe? I cannot say I am familiar with stores like this."
P90 walks over. "Tokarev, that's designed to go over another dress. It doesn't cover anything." Her gaze shifts to me. "Are you trying to send us out naked into the world?"
"But," I protest. "It costs as much as a dress!"
"Uh-huh, sheer fabric costs money. Hey Tokarev, let's go look over here-"
The curtain into one of the changing rooms opens and SV-98 steps out. "How do I look?"
I turn to find SV-98 had indeed put on what I had picked for her.
The classic "Virgin killer" sweater.
Of course, I had underestimated SV's clumsiness, and she had managed to put it on backwards.
She's carefully hiding herself with one arm, face flushed.
"I'm not sure if I like this one…" She says, adjusting it further to try to hide her body.
"You have it on wrong." P90 practically leaps over to SV-98 and pushes her back into the changing room. "Here, let me help you-"
S.A.T. taps on my shoulder. "Are you going to make a recommendation to me?"
I give her a good look over and then look at the spread of clothes before me.
"Why don't you try this?" I pull out a green dress, one of those tupe top ones with ruffles.
She looks at the garment as I hand it to her. "This isn't going to fit."
"You won't know until you try."
"Oh, I know it won't." She gives me a look. "It'll slide right off."
"...Fine." I look through the nearest clothing racks again. "How about this?"
"Well, it's at least my size." S.A.T. examines this dress with a critical eye. It's a sundress with a floral pattern and yellow highlights. "I guess I can try it on."
Meanwhile, SV-98 and P90 are back. SV has the sweater on correctly this time, and I have to say- "Wow, that looks good on you!" I give her a thumbs-up.
"Mmm… Yeah, this is way too revealing still." She says.
P90 glares at me. "Hey, how about giving us real suggestions?"
"I did! You have a regular dress, right?" I protest.
"Yeah because I picked my own out!" She sighs. "Look, you just leave and we'll pick out-"
Tokarev steps out of the changing room in the over-dress thing I had picked out earlier.
P90 slaps her hand to her face. "Okay, I know I told you that you're supposed to wear something under that."
"Yes, but Chadwin picked it out." She twirls, revealing… way too much, even for me. "Does it suit me?"
I don't get the chance to answer as a hand clamps down on my shoulder. I glance back. "Oh, hey Lucas."
"Chadwin, what the hell are you doing?"
I blink and look back at the dolls, then back to him. "Buying clothes?"
He sighs. "Yeah, but see, the police got called because there's been several reports of public indecency, and I'm gonna need you to leave."
"...Oh."
At the Sector 3 beachfront...
"I still can't believe you wouldn't wear the swimsuits I picked out for you." I grumble.
RO gives me a look. "It's only six degrees out. My joints would freeze."
"But you'd look so good in it!"
"Yeah!" The unexpected support comes from SOPMOD. "I wanted to see her in the yellow polka dots too!"
Several heads turn at Sop's announcement. More than one guy stumbles as he fixates on imagining RO wearing what Sop had described.
"Sop, don't encourage the creep." AR-15 sneers at me.
"Aw…"
"Maybe if it was a private beach." RO says to Sop. "And if the pervert wasn't here."
"Hey! I resemble that remark!" I cry.
"At least he's self aware." I hear 15 grumble, before she splits off to go to the waterline, M4 following.
RO gives me a look. "How did you even get your hands on a swimsuit like that?"
"I ordered it online." I reply. "Amazing what you can get off the internet."
"...But, how did it get here on time?" RO insists.
"...I ordered it a month ago?"
"We only met you a week ago." Sop's enthusiasm turns to confusion. "How did you manage that?"
"I had another use planned for it." I say evasively.
RO's glare turns to disgust. "I'm never touching anything you bought ever again."
"...Fair." I admit. "Though, I swear I didn't use it…"
In Lucas' house, the night before the conference…
Hmm.
All around me, there are sleeping T-dolls.
I'm sleeping in the middle of the room, on the floor, in the middle of the entire mess.
I sit in place, try to decide what to do.
On one hand, I could sneak onto one of the couches, pretending like it was an accident, like I was sleep walking and fell onto the mattress and coincidentally some of the dolls.
Not sure they'd buy it though. I have to be subtle. I scratch my chin as I think, feeling the stubble on my chin.
"Whatcha thinkin' about?"
"How to sneak into the T-doll's-" I turn to face Sop, catching myself a little too late. "Er… I mean, how to solve world peace."
She narrows her eyes for a few seconds. "Well, I can get behind world peace."
"Really?" That's surprising, I'd think she'd be bored-
"If the world's in pieces, I get to build it into something to fight, right?"
Ah. "Yeah, I should have guessed."
"So, whose bed are you trying to sneak into?" She asks.
"...I was still in the planning stage." I admit. "It wasn't yours."
"Oh, I know. After what happened to Commander Jakoby, nobody messes with me."
"...What happened to Commander Jakoby anyway?"
Sop sits back on her heels and grins. "So, there's these things called Goliaths, right? They're robots with minimal guidance programs because they're designed to be suicide bombeer units."
"Okay."
"Sometimes they fail to go off, and they're found after a battle is over or during a future battle sometimes. I found one and fixed it up, just to see if I could."
"Alright." I blink.
"After I made it work, I told it to go find Commander Jakoby to show him I could fix them up. I forgot to disable the explosive trigger though. I figured it didn't work."
"That's quite an oversight."
"Yep." She bares her very sharp and very pointy teeth. "So, don't do anything stupid, and I won't forget when I arm the next one, okay?" This is said with all the cheer of a friendly chat.
"Yes, I see." I nod. "I'm going back to sleep."
"Yep."
I lie down and pull the blanket over my head. That thinly veiled threat has been read loud and clear, going to sleep-
I feel someone settle down right beside me.
I move the blanket back down under my chin.
"Oh, don't mind me." Sop says innocently. "Just making sure nobody disturbs your sleep."
"...Right." Not sure I'm getting any sleep though.
In Sangvis' forest bunker…
M16 is on her, what, sixth or seventh drink?
At this point I could probably just sneak off into the night and she'd be none the wiser. I'd still have to sneak past everyone else, but M16's down for the count.
Alternatively…
"Hey M16."
She peers at me from around her bottle. "What's up?"
"Don't you think we should be getting to sleep?"
She thinks for a few seconds. "Mmm… Yeah, we do have an early day tomorrow."
"Exactly." I stand up, for some reason extremely glad I don't need crutches at this time. I mean, I've never needed crutches, so I don't exactly know where the thought came from, but in any case I don't need them. "You've drunk a lot. Are you able to walk?"
"I could use a hand." M16 says slyly. "Hey, can you carry me to bed?"
"I can try." I say. Please be lighter than S.A.T., please please please-
Hey, I can pick her up.
"So where's your room?" I ask the still drinking girl in my arms.
"Just follow the corridor, third door on the left." She says.
I follow her instructions, pushing open the half destroyed door to reveal...
"Wow, you're sloppy."
"Bleh." She says the word 'bleh', not just making a noise to that effect. "Just set me down on the bed."
I oblige her, and straighten up to leave.
A hand grabs my shoulder and suddenly I find myself lying on the bed, a suddenly more sober M16 pointing a pistol at my skull.
"From what you told me earlier, it seems you have a thing for dolls." She states, none of the slightly slurring left in her voice. "Tell me, do you have a thing for any of my sisters?"
"Eh-"
The pistol jams harder into the side of my skull. "And you better not lie. M4?"
"...Huh?"
M16 blinks. "RO?"
"No! I mean-"
"AR-15?"
I snort. "She hates me."
"Don't tell me you like SOPMOD?"
"Last time I talked with her, she threatened to blow me up."
"...Oh." She relaxes slightly. "That's good."
"You're pretty cute though." I scratch my face.
She sighs and her glare returns in force. "Yeah, yeah."
"No, I'm serious! You've got that awesome eyepatch, and the two-tone hair, and like… that older sister appeal, or something."
She gives me a look. "Okay. Why are you really doing this?"
"I figured you're gonna kill me anyway and don't want to die a virgin."
She blinks. "Well, you have guts." Her sloppy grin returns. "Tell you what. I was going to have you sleep on the ground in the lobby, but I'll let you sleep here with me. No touching, but it's better than the floor right?"
"Not that I'm complaining, but why?"
"I like people with guts." She leans in close. "Keep it up, and maybe you won't die a virgin."
Well… Now I'm definitely not getting any sleep.
Authors' note:
...This was supposed to be funny. How did it end up being serious-ish?
Beta Reader Notes:
It originally went from overcompensating chad with a bunch of lewd jokes to character development true chad...with a bunch of lewd jokes...