May 2, 2021

Luna sat on the couch of the small apartment that she and Pacey were living as she was trying to get the courage to read the next page of Joey's journal.

She had only gotten to read the date which was May 9, 2001, a week after she was diagnosed with cancer.

Luna remembered a lot about Joey. The way she would dance around in the kitchen when she thought nobody was looking, the way she would laugh when Pacey would tickle her, and the way she would paint on a canvas. She would spend all night sketching and painting until finally, everyone could see what it looked like.

But just like any good memories, she remembered the ugly. Although Joey would spend hours painting it was because she was trying to escape the pain again. Not the physical pain but the emotional pain if not knowing what would happen after she was gone.

The last few weeks of Joey's life, Luna remembered waking up in the middle of the night to find Joey painting so much that she fell asleep on the paints laid out in front of her.

Luna then would go get Pacey who would then carefully wipe the paint off Joey's face and then carefully carry her to bed. Luna remembered only being four at the time, it was one of those memories that were blurry but there.

She laid on her back as she then started to read the words on the page.

May 9, 2001

Today was my first real doctor's appointment. I was told since the tumor in my ovaries is only getting bigger. They told me that I will have to start chemo as soon as possible. The day of the prom to be exact. I told Pacey I didn't want to go to prom. But the truth is it is everything I want to go to.

When I said I didn't want to go, I told him that I was ok if he went. He told me that he is only going to go with me to treatment and he rather stay with me afterward instead of going to prom.

I decided to give Dawson back his money, today. He asked me how I could give up my dream and I reminded him that my dream is already crushed by getting cancer. I asked him if he remembered when we were ten and I fell out of that tree. And because Dawson couldn't carry me Pacey did all the way home. I was kicking and screaming but he said nothing.

I told Dawson that I know Pacey will be there in a lot of different ways. He is still dealing with that stubborn girl who will never ask for help. Now, more than seven years later, I'm still that stubborn girl who refuses to waste anyone's money to pay for college because now I have hospital bills. Dawson told me I could use the money for the bills and I told him I can't and won't. But he made me promise to think about and he said he will save it for when I need it no strings attached.

I painted this painting today to describe how I felt when I had to say no to Worthington. It was where this person was trying to catch the little ball of color in the middle. However, around the circle on the right side was black.

That's how I felt as Dawson held me in this arms. Crushed. Heartbroken. Devastated. And as I painted I knew he was right I couldn't just give up my dreams, but I have no more dreams. What is the purpose of trying to be different if I am just like my mom?

As I laid in Pacey's bed last night, I watched as the ceiling fan was spinning around. Pacey was holding me in his arms. My body was turned away from him as though the thought of laying on his chest scared me for a connection that was getting harder and harder to detach from.

I quietly told him about the check with Dawson and I felt his hands stopped moving on my stomach as I asked him if I did the right thing.

He asked me if I ever thought if we could live closer to the hospital in Boston. I asked him if he was serious and he told me he wants to make things easier for me. He told me just because I don't want to go to Worthington now doesn't mean I have to stay here forever.

I said nothing as I felt my emotions spiral out of control but he didn't notice as kissed the top of my head and rubbed my neck as we laid there in silents.

That was until my emotions got the best of me and I started to cry. He turned me around and wiped away my tears away as he whispered a joke in the dark. I laughed at it then but now I can't remember the joke.

I wonder if it will always be like this? We don't speak much about what's going on, mostly because I start to overanalyze it and then my emotions turn into great sorrow. But I do hope he will always make me laugh.

We were quiet for what felt like forever and just as soon I could tell he was asleep, I decided to write this all down. I hope that Pacey continues to laugh with me, and I hope he really loves me for me. I hope he doesn't pity me, and I hope all these moments right now aren't take for granted. Because oh my Lord how I love this man and the way he takes care of me.

I just hope next week goes as smoothly as plan. Dawson said he was going to come which honestly surprised me. He asked if he could videotape it and I said yes. I feel like I will regret saying yes. I guess we will have to see.

Joey Potter

May 2, 2021

Pacey was cleaning up the restaurant when Jen walked in.

"Hey," Pacey said as he smiled at her and walked over to her. "Hey, Witter." She said as she sat down at the table.

"You look exhausted," Pacey said as he handed her a beer. "Please do tell Amy that." She said talking about her eight-year-old daughter. She then put her head on the table. Pacey laughed as he rubbed her back gently. "Oh, the joy of having a little kid around I thought Luna was trying to kill me when she was ten and started to get into trouble," Pacey said as he waved one of his chef's goodbye.

Jen was quiet for a moment as she lifted her head to sip her beer. "How are y'all doing today?"

"Yesterday, I gave Joey's journal to Luna," Pacey whispered as he popped open a beer. "She wants me to retell her what had happen as she reads them."

"And how does that make you feel?" Jen asked as she raised an eyebrow at him.

Last month, Jen had to drive Pacey home due to a panic attack over Joey. He explained that he had listened to a young man tell him a story on how his wife had recently died of cancer, and by the end of the story, Pacey gave his best advice with a polite smile on his face. However, as soon as he walked into his office. He fell to the floor and called Jen to drive back to his apartment before the panic attack got worst.

"I think she deserves to know. I still have the tapes and dvds, I borrowed-"

"You mean stole?"

"No, no, no," Pacey said as he shakes his finger at her as Jen laughed. "I mean borrowed."

"Sure you did."

The two were quiet as they sipped their beers. "It feels like yesterday when you told Jack and I about Joey's cancer."

"Twenty years ago. It feels longer than that sometimes." Pacey whispered with a small weak smile. "Do you think I'm doing the right by telling Luna all the details?"

"I think you are doing what Joey would have wanted. She did make all of us promise that Luna's questions would be answered. Maybe I can help when I take her out on Saturday." Jen said with a soft smile. "I know if I was Luna, I would want to know what happened to my mom."

Before the two could say anything else, Pacey got up and waved Jen to walk over to his office. "I have this tape of Joey the week before she found out she had cancer again."

Pacey pulled out a small case with a dvd that said March 31, 2011, "This was at Luna's fifth birthday party." Pacey said as he smiled at the tape and hit play.

Jen smiled as she sat in his chair and watched from the little television that was now having Joey's face on it.

"Say happy birthday to Luna." Dawson's voice said to Joey who was holding a big cake in her hand. "Happy birthday, my little Lu-Lu," Joey said with a smile.

"Is there anything you want to say to the soon to be five-year-old," Dawson asked her. "Luna, I love you and your crazy personality. I love how determined you are and how you love to make everything a game. I love to hear your laugh when I wake up in the morning and I love how driven you are to read every book on your bookshelf before bedtime." Joey looked as if she was going to say more but then dropped the cake. "Well damn." She whispered as she looked up at the camera.

Pacey then walked over, laughing at her reaction as she started cleaning up the cake. "See I told you would drop it, Joey." Dawson teased as Joey glared at him. Joey then smiled at Pacey who was helping with cleaning up the cake on the ground. But just as he was about to get up, Joey smeared the cake that was in her hands on Pacey's face.

"Josephine Witter." Pacey gasped as she stared at him with a wicked smile. "Sorry sweetheart," Joey whispered but Pacey picked her up as she started to laugh hysterically.

Luna appeared in the background excitement filling her face as she jumped up and down watching Pacey spun Joey around. Dawson then zooms into Joey's face who was smiling ear to ear and then turned the camera to his face.

"Happy birthday Luna. I guess I have to go to the store to buy you another birthday cake." He said as then shut off the camera.

Pacey chuckled as he turned off the television. "It was the last thing Dawson filmed that brings me joy to watch," Pacey said as he pulled out the Cd of the DVD player.

"I always wonder what happened to the cake," Jen said with a laugh.

"Sometimes I look at this Dvd, and just think to myself what if I had just encouraged her to go to doctors a little bit sooner than maybe she would have been here to spend the past ten birth-"

"No, it's not your fault, Pacey. Nobody knew that she had it again."

"But if I made her go the first time she was hurting. Do you think she would have cure faster?"

Jen gave Pacey a weak smile as she shook her head."No, Pacey. Stage three was a lot different than stage two. I don't think anyone can fix the past but what I do know is that the little girl who was laughing in the background of that video is wanting to know more about her mom and the only way, she can know is if you tell her the memories of the past. That's all you can do now. And I think if Joey was here, she would still be fighting to stay healthy because Pacey this wasn't a one-time battle and even the doctors said that, and studies still show it."

Pacey said as he closed his eyes. She was right and he knew that.

Luna stared at the words on the pages but she then heard the front door unlocked as Pacey came in.

"Hey, kiddo," Pacey said as he set his key down and sat down next to her.

"Did you read the next entry?" He asked as he looked at her facial expression.

"Yeah. Are you sure you don't want to read it?"

"That depends on if you think I should or not." He said as he watched her twirl her hair with her fingers.

She then handed it to him and watched carefully as his face soften.

Pacey was reading all the words carefully scared of what he may read but by the end, his eyes were in tears. He could help but reread- I hope that Pacey continues to laugh with me, and I hope he really loves me for me. I hope he doesn't pity me, and I hope all these moments right now and don't be taken for granted. Because oh my Lord how I love this man and the way he takes care of me.

He missed taking care of her, He missed her laugh, this paragraph only made the thought of the video more painful. He thought about how it was so easy to make her laugh. All he had to do was tell her a joke and she would be in tears.

"It was pretty easy to make her laugh. I would tell her a joke and she would have to hold to her side to contain herself. I remember when we were twelve, her mom had just got sick again so I came over to her house with Uncle Dawson to see how she was doing. Uncle Dawson never saw that in the middle of playing a board game she had a tear coming down her eye. So, when Dawson wasn't looking, I whispered a joke in Joey's ear that I had heard a few days ago. And she was laughing so hard she fell to the ground cursing at me for making her laugh while Dawson was confused on what's so funny."

Luna smiled as she watched him traced over the handwriting. "This appointment was one of the most scariest appointments of my life. I remember her facial expression whenever the doctor kept explaining things, Joey didn't know this till long after I did it but I had gone to the bookstore afterwards when she was with Dawson and started to research what the doctors were telling us. However no matter how many books or videos I looked at the words just kept coming and coming. It felt exactly like I did at the doctor's office the first time, numb in the pain but this time I had an idea on what was going to happen." Pacey said and then pick at the string of the couch like a little kid.

"But the full story in details all started when we sat in that Doctor's office in Boston."

May 9, 2001

After a CA-125 blood test and a very uncomfortable moment while they did a transvaginal ultrasound checking on anything wrong. Joey paced back and forth as she, Pacey, and Bessie were waiting for the doctor to back come in.

She knew the doctor was going to say what she heard already researched and knew from experience with her mom. The side effects of getting chemo, and possibly surgery. But Joey couldn't help but feel nauseous over what was happening to her.

She suddenly felt Pacey's hand on her arm and he pulled her to where she was sitting.

"Potter, you are making me nervous by watching you walk back and forth." He told her as Joey gave him a look. He then pulled her gently into his lap.

She could see Bessie's eyes with worry as she watched the two but she said nothing to her as Joey pressed her nose against his nose. He gently rubbed her lower back as he whispered it was going to ok. She believed it but she still had her doubts.

Joey then heard a knock on the door from the Doctor as she got up to sit back on the bench.

"Hello." The doctor said as she pushed the cart in. All three greeted her as the doctor then look at Joey. "You must be Joey, I'm doctor Mason." She said as she shook out her hand.

"It looks like Doctor Regan saw you this morning and did all the tests. But they sent me back here due to the results."

"So, how bad is it?" Joey asked. "You are on stage two of ovarian cancer and the longer you want to get the treatment done the bigger the tumor will get." Doctor Mason said. "See right here," She said as she turned on the screen and point to where the lump was.

"Is where the tumor is. However, since the tumor is getting bigger, we are going to have to start treatment next week. We have three rounds before surgery and then three more rounds after. It could be a few weeks apart or it could longer than that. It depends on how your body reacts."

"Next week?" Pacey asked. "Next week is prom week," Joey whispered.

"We can wait, but it is recommended that you do next Saturday." Doctor Mason said.

"No, It's ok," Joey said with a weak smile.

"Alright well, that's all for this appointment. We will give you more information in the packet upfront and your appointment should be set up there as well. Other than that do you have any questions for me?"

Joey shook her head as she took in a breathe and look at Pacey who had a blank stare on his face. She could feel the tears threatening to come out of her eyes as the doctor left the room. Bessie smiled at Joey as she told her she will go make the appointment and get more information.

It was then just Joey and Pacey in the room and Joey felt tears quickly racing down her face. Pacey saw the tears and kneeled down in front of her and then tilted her chin down with his fingers so she could look at him.

"Hey." He whispered with a smile. Joey didn't look at him but he said her name which was all it took for her to sob.

"I can't do this Pacey." She mumbled him as she looked over at the wall. She started to closed her eyes as Pacey then pulled her into his arms.

"You can go to prom, Pace. I'm fine with you going without me. I don't want to go."

"I'm not going without you, Jo. I plan on being wherever you are. If you are going to be dealing with the treatment on Saturday, then I am going to be is sitting there right next to you holding your hand. Because you, my love," He said as he kissed her lips and then kiss her with every word in between the next sentence. "are… the… most… beautiful…woman… in… this… universal…" He whispered, and the kiss her forehead and then one down her neck. Joey looked up at him when he stopped and begin to wrap her arms around his neck.

"Pacey, one of the symptoms with the treatment is losing hair and once you see me bald you will not –"

"I will still think you are stunning, Potter. I don't care if you are death, blind, or bald. You are forever and always will be the most stunning woman to ever move on this earth. You hear me?"

Joey found herself doubting this. She thought about her Dad and Dawson. They always made promises to her and somehow break them. But this wasn't Dawson or her Dad. This was Pacey, the one who would carried her home that one time in sixth grade when she sprinted her ankle after falling out of a tree. She of course was annoyed by this, but Dawson could physically not picked her up. But, Pacey carried her without dropping her or leaving her there.

This was the one boy who sat outside the bathroom stall in eighth grade because she didn't want to be alone as she got sick. She remembered hearing him apologizing as every girl ran out screaming but he continued to try and make Joey feel better and not care what the other girls said.

Now, here he still was, holding onto her tightly as he said he still wasn't going to leave. Still being right there whenever she needed him. He was kind, funny, and one of the most seminal people that she knew. This person was better than Dawson or Joey. Because he was Pacey. Pacey Witter.

"Promise?"

"I pinky swear on my life."

"Pacey." She scruff as he broke out of their embrace to hold out his pinky.

He waited patiently as he waited for her to give him her pinky. "Don't be-" Joey started to say but he took her pinky and put it in his.

Pacey then kissed her pinky and smiled up at her. He watched as her cheeks turned red and he then felt as if he wanted to right there forever. The feeling was something he had been used to his whole life. But this was different. This blush from Joey brought him a little more sadness than he would ever like to admit.

"Come on." He said as he walked with her pinky in pinky.

A few hours later, Joey was standing in front of Dawson's front door knocking. She watched as Dawson answered and gave her a soft gentle smile.

"Hey." She whispered as she watched him step out of the house.

"Hey," Dawson said and then he pulled her gently by the hand and led her to the front porch. Joey could tell he was about to ask what was happening when she handed the check to him. Dawson sat down amazed that she was handing it back to him. Joey then sat next to him on the steps and took a deep breath.

"When you first gave me this, I almost said no. No for Pacey because that was wrong of me to be getting thousands and thousands of dollars from you. No, because my selfish pride tried to get in another way. But why I am saying no now, isn't because of Pacey or my stubbornness, it's just me."

"Joey," Dawson whispered

"I have stage two cancer of ovarian and there are so many things that I just don't know Dawson and I can't live my life like you do where you think the world will come at you like a fairy tale. I am the girl who doesn't get most of the things she works for. I am scared to death half the time. I don't know if I can make it into Worthington anymore with my health because the unknown is so uncomfortable for me."

"That doesn't mean you have to completely give up on your dreams."

"My dreams are already crush because of cancer,Dawson." She whispered to him.

"Joey." Dawson whispered to her.

Joey looked over to the creek and shook her head. "Do you remember when we were ten when you, Pacey, and I were climbing up that tree and I fell off and hurt my leg?"

"Then I had to pick you up but I couldn't do it but then Pacey did and you wouldn't shut up about how he was going to drop you."

"I did that because I was scared I would be too much for Pacey at that time. But Pacey just continues making smart remarks back my way. Today, at the appointment, I watch as Pacey kneel down in front of me and told me that he was here and we will get through it. Then as I cried he held me. The same boy who carried me when I felt weak but with no questions he just did what he thought was right. And I am scared that if I follow my dream to Worthington, things will completely find their way to get the best out of me. I am still that scared ten-year-old who thought she was going to have to a hospital bill knowing my parents can't afford the bills. But now, instead of being that girl with her mom with cancer. I am a girl with cancer that is going to have to have a lot of bills in the mail. If something goes wrong I refuse to waste your money on something that will never work out for me."

"Joey," Dawson whispered to her. Joey shook her head at him. But he continued to speak anyways. "I refused to allow you to feel alone through this with the money situation. Take this. Use it to pay those bills. I refused to allow you to let any of your dreams go whether you use this money for college or use it for your health, I did this because I love you, Joey. I refused to let you hurt because of something you have no idea where it will go. Please. If not for yourself, do it for the people that need you."

"Can I think on it, Dawson?" Joey asked.

"Yeah, and when you want it. It will be right here for you. No strings attached. Can I come with you to the appointment on Saturday?"

"You will miss prom with Gretchen..." She told him. "Well, I want to there for you rather than some prom. Plus your appointment is in the afternoon right?

Joey nodded her head. "Well then I can leave early so, Gretchen and I will not miss it."

Joey was about to thank him but then started to cry, Dawson said nothing as he held her. For years the two had made promises that they will keep their lives in check.

Dawson didn't say anything as he held her there. Happy that he got to hold her this close but also wishing the pain emotionally and physically would go away for her

But then he broke the silents as he asked if he could videotape the progress of the chemotherapy, Joey laughed at this but said yes. She watched as Dawson grinned at her in excitement.

It was later that evening when Joey had just finished her painting. She shook her head as she walked away from it. She couldn't help but get chills at what the painting meant to her.

She turned to the couch to find Pacey sitting there staring blankly at the television. He looked up to see her staring but said nothing as she took his hand to lead him upstairs.

Pacey watched as Joey grabbed his boxers and t-shirt and then go to the bathroom. He said nothing as he got ready himself and then wait for her on the bed.

Joey felt at her abdomen to feel what Doctor Regan had felt when she was checking her for pain. Joey pressed down hard and wince as she felt pain shoot through her body.

Joey quickly changed into the boxer and t-shirt and walked back into the bedroom. Pacey said nothing as he took her in his arms. She then laid on the bed as she turned away from him.

After Pacey turned off the light, he wrapped his arms around Joey'waist he softly rubbed her stomach as Joey watched the ceiling fan.

The two said nothing as they laid there facing away from each other but yet so close and holding onto one another as if they were letting go would mean they would lose each other.

Finally, Joey whispered into the darkness. "I gave Dawson's check back."

Joey felt Pacey's hand stop moving.

"Maybe that's for the best." He whispered. Joey said nothing as she picked at the string of Pacey's sheets. "Have you ever thought of moving to Boston because of the hospital there? Maybe we can move in together soon."

Pacey wished she turned around but she grabbed his hand as she kissed the back on it and he began to kiss her hair as he smells the strawberries scent.

She squeezed his hand as she asked him was serious. He told her quietly that just because you can't have those dreams you wanted when you wanted to move out of Capeside. Doesn't mean you have to stay here for the rest of your life because of cancer.

Nothing else was said as he begins rubbed her stopped as he heard her sniff and he turned her around.

"Jo," He whispered as he wiped her tears away with a finger. She shook her head at him but forehead to forehead she knew she couldn't try away.

Pacey then smirked at her as he thought of a joke that wasn't that funny but could lighten up the mood. "What do we want?" He said in a funny voice as Joey stared into his eyes. "Low-flying airplane noise?" He watched as she bites her lip from laughing at the silly expression he was creating on his face.

"When do we want them?"

"Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!" He yelled as she started to laugh. He smiled at her as he kissed her temple. "That wasn't even that funny." She whispered as she continued to giggle at the joke.

"Sure, Potter, whatever you want to say," Pacey said as Joey opened her mouth slightly hurt. He laughed as he brushed her hair through his fingers.

"I love you, Pacey." She whispered as she listens to her voice crack. "I love you too." He whispered as he kissed her lips.

Pacey pulled her closer as the two rubbed one another's back. She thought about his offer with moving, and Dawson's offer with the money. Was she doing the right thing by thinking about this? She thought about how much she loves the two of them. Sure the three had their differences but she wanted her life to be as simple as it was when Pacey carried her down that street with Dawson smiling at the two.

She wanted her life to be as simple as when she made Pacey sit there in front of that stall and even held her hand as she was throwing up.

She wanted to go back and tell herself to ask for help more when she was sick in March. Maybe things would have been easier for her now if she allowed herself to go to the doctor and asked for help. She was scared of the hospitals but she knew she would have to get over herself.

She thought about how Pacey is. How he continued to make her laugh when nothing was funny, how he was thinking about the future when the two weren't sure of one would be in store.

She felt Pacey's breathing slow down as if he was asleep. She pulled herself out the covers and went to the desk where she found her journal sitting there. She knew Pacey wouldn't have minded her keeping it here and he respected her privacy. But the girl that wanted to make sure he didn't see her needing help looked to make sure he wasn't looking then started to write May 9, 2001.

May 2, 2001

"Then I woke up that morning and started to cook breakfast I saw her painting. She would always paint at the beach house but especially after she got sick that's all she could really do. I kept most of her paintings that she didn't sell. I especially made sure to keep that one." Pacey explained to Luna.

"Is it the one hanging on your bedroom wall?" Luna asked. Pacey nodded his head.

"I remember her painting all the time especially when she was sick. You would have to carry her out of the living room after wiping her face off." Luna whispered as she got off the couch.

"Sometimes I wished you didn't have such a good memory. But I know one day those memories will be special to you, Lu." He whispered as he stretched out his arms and got up from the couch.

"You still want me to tell you these?" He asked. Luna looked into his blue eyes and she knew that a part of her Dad wanted her to say no. But She looked at him and gave him a smile.

"Like you said one day these memories will be special to me." She whispered to him.

Pacey smiled as he kissed the top of his daughter's head. "Good night, I love you. You know that right?"

Luna laughed as she nodded her head. "Of course. But Dad seriously your jokes have never been very funny." She said as he faked gasped in hurt. "Well damn, here I was thinking my jokes were getting funnier throughout the years." He said as she laughed.

"Good night," Luna said as she watched him walked into his bedroom. She then picked up her own journal from the dining table and began to write.

May 2, 2021

Today Dad told me about how mom felt when she first went to her first doctor's appointment, I wish she was alive so I could know her as much as everyone else did.

I remember when I was little and mom would be so scared when I got sick and I never understood why. Now, I can get it. Dad told me these memories will one day be special to me. However, I think he knows that they are special right now than they will ever be.

I always wondered if I will ever find someone like how Mom and Dad found each other or how Uncle Jack and Uncle Dougie found one another. I often find myself wondering if Dad will ever find someone. If he will ever be happy again. I know I have to give it time. But one day I know he will regret not looking now. Or maybe the person you are supposed to be with is somehow connected to you in a way nobody can explain.

Maybe just like how Mom and Dad found one another. I just need to stop looking and just live like how Dad is living. Stop waiting on something to happen and just enjoy life while remembering the little things. But when does one stop obsessing over the past, because when does it became too much for one to bear.

Luna Witter