Harry Potter, Backwards with a Vengeance
Chapter 2
After spending a much more enjoyable trip through the void (this trip included an inflight movie and snacks), Harry Potter rejoined the mortal world with a jolt. He opened his eyes to see he was sitting in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express. Hermione was sitting across from him with Ron next to her. A glance to the side showed Ginny sitting next Harry. [Crap… I forgot to ask when I was going to return to,] Harry chided himself.
Harry's attention was redirected when the door to the compartment opened and a beautiful, young blonde girl stepped inside. "Welcome back, Harry Potter. You just ended your third year," Luna Lovegood announced.
Ron and Ginny both sported disgusted expressions. "Go away, Loony! No one wants to hear your crazy talk!" Ron snarled.
Not able to take Ron's presence any longer, Harry whipped out his wand and cast a silent stunner at the betrayer. Luna quickly followed Harry's lead and sent a verbal, "Stupefy!" at Ginny.
"Harry! What's gotten into you? Why did you attack Ron? Who is this girl? When did you learn to cast silently? Well, I'm waiting!" Hermione rambled in a verbal broadside as she jumped up from the bench.
Luna put her fist on her hip in a fairly good imitation of Hermione's displeased pose #3. "Honestly Hermione Granger, you need to give Harry Potter a moment to collect his thoughts. He's just getting over being dead and suddenly getting better!" she chided the bushy haired girl. Luna shook her head and went back to her usual dreamy expression. "Wow, that felt awkward. I think I'll stick with just being Luna from now on," she muttered.
Hermione's angry expression was chased away by a horrified one. "Harry dead? What… how… ?" she mumbled as she tried to process what Luna said.
Harry put his hand on Hermione's shoulder and gently eased her back onto the bench. "I'll explain in just a moment, but first I need to ask Luna some questions," Harry reassured her. He turned towards his other potential soulmate. "Luna, how do you know I died and came back?" he asked gently.
"You're not the only employee of an anthropomorphic personification of a universal constant, Harry Potter," Luna responded.
"A what?" Harry replied.
Luna rolled her blueish silver eyes that reminded Harry of a patronus. "I work for Fate. I'm a seer," she explained.
"Divination, humph!" Hermione grumbled.
Luna turned to look at Hermione and gave her a dreamy smile. "Divination is all about trying to predict the future. Being a seer is about trying to make sense of the multiple timelines that we can see," she told the older girl. "You, like most people, assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a nonlinear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey… stuff. Wow, that sentence really got away from me," Luna stated. Both Harry and Hermione just stared at Luna blinking a few times. "On second thought, try not to think about it. It will only make your eyes cross," Luna suggested.
Harry shook his head to try and reboot his brain. "Right, don't think about it. No problem," he assured Luna.
"You still haven't told me why you two attacked Ron and Ginny!" Hermione reminded them sharply.
Luna tilted her head slightly as she gave Hermione a curious glance. "That's odd. I would have thought the purging potion would have cleared out the loyalty potions from our potential soulmate, Harry Potter," she said.
Hermione jumped to her feet again. "Potions… soulmates… what are you talking about?!" she demanded.
"Oops, we haven't gotten to that point in the story yet. Sorry, Hermione Granger. Also, my uncle Wade said to tell you 'Hi' and he thought you were dead sexy at the Yule Ball," Luna told her.
Hermione gave Harry a pleading look that begged for help. He just shrugged his shoulders, having only a slightly better clue as to what the hell Luna was talking about. Harry held out his hand and put a finger on Luna's lips. "Luna stop before you permanently break Hermione," he ordered gently. "Let's break down the parts of what you said that we can actually understand. First off, what purging potion?" he asked.
Luna rolled her eyes. "The purging potion I gave her, obviously," she replied. After a moment where she looked between Harry and Hermione, Luna stuck her hand into the pocket of her robe. "Oops, sorry. Sometimes I forget when I am. I was talking about this purging potion," she said airily while withdrawing the bottle.
Before Hermione could start blasting questions again, Harry decided to try and explain things in a non-Luna like manner. "Hermione, Ron and Ginny have been slipping us loyalty potions," he told her.
"Honestly Harry, that's ridiculous. Ron and Ginny are our friends. He's your best mate," Hermione argued.
Inspiration struck Harry and he decided to rely on Hermione's sense of fair play. "Hermione, think back to what Ron said when Luna came into the compartment. How would you react if someone like Malfoy had said the same thing?" he inquired.
"That's hardly a fair comparison, Harry. Malfoy is an arrogant bigot, and Ron is… well, Ron," Hermione argued.
Luna took Hermione by the hand and passed over the purging potion. "You have nothing to lose by taking this purging potion, Hermione Granger. It is specially keyed to only work with loyalty or love potions. If you don't have anything in your system, then nothing will happen. If you do have them in your system, well… I would suggest you sit down before taking the purging potion, and by sit down, I mean the loo," she tried to explain.
Harry shocked Hermione when he initiated physical contact by taking her free hand in his. "Hermione, you know that I trust you with my life, right?" he asked. Hermione nodded her head. "I trust Luna just as much. I know without a shadow of a doubt that she would never purposefully hurt either one of us. I know it's hard for you to take things on faith, but please believe me," he stated.
Hermione looked into Harry's pleading green eyes. "Fine, I'll head to the loo and take the potion, but when nothing happens, I'll expect you to revive Ron and Ginny and apologise profusely to them," she told her first real friend. Hermione stepped past Luna and headed toward the loo at the back of the train car.
"We can follow her as soon as I make my decision, Harry Potter," Luna told him.
"Anything I can help with?" Harry offered.
Luna shook her head and then glared down at the still stunned form of Ron Weasley. "No, but thank you Harry Potter. I'm simply trying to decide if I want to punch a dickhead, or punch a dick in the head," she replied. Luna made her decision and stepped forward quickly. She bent over slightly and punched Ron in the crotch as hard as her lithe, little form could muster. While he would normally wince from seeing another male receive trauma to the groin, Harry couldn't find it himself to care. "I feel better now, Harry Potter. Let's go find our future soulmate. I'm sure she will need some moral support, or at least that's what I think friends do for one another," she stated, a hint of sadness at the end. Harry reached over, and pulled Luna into a hug and kissed her forehead.
*HPBV*
Harry and Luna sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the loo Hermione was currently occupying. "Got any Nargles?" Luna asked.
"Go fish," Harry replied. Luna drew another card from the pile between them. Before Harry could take his turn, they heard another bout of moans mixed amongst even less pleasant noises.
"Harry Potter, I need to make my bi-monthly report into the company soon, and I plan on covering what has happened today. Would you classify that last noise as a 'sploosh' or more of a 'splorch'?" she asked him.
"Personally, I would lean more towards the 'splorch' followed by a 'splat'," Harry replied.
They were both very relieved for their friend when they finally heard a flush followed by Hermione casting several cleaning spells. She opened the door and stepped out, looking both physically and mentally drained.
Luna pulled out another bottle from her robe pocket. "Here Hermione Granger, you need to replenish the electrolytes and fluid you just lost," she told the bushy haired young woman.
Feeling far too wiped out to argue, Hermione undid the top and took a big swig of the orange concoction. Her eyes opened wider when she recognized the taste. "Wait… is this what I think it is?" she asked, not really believing her taste buds.
"If you are thinking it is a potion developed by Gustof Gator for Quidditch players, then yes it is," Luna replied.
Harry took a deep breath, knowing he had to find out if the purging potion had done its job. "Hermione, without thinking too hard about it, describe Ron Weasley," he instructed.
"He's a greedy, jealous berk with delusions of adequacy who constantly belittles me and just about everyone else," Hermione replied. When she realized what she had said, her eyes narrowed in anger. "I'm going to give that waste of good oxygen a piece of my mind!" she swore.
Harry held up his hand to stop Hermione. "I agree the walking stomach deserves a good bollocking, but I want to break his spirit first," he told her.
Hermione lifted one eyebrow. "Go on," she suggested.
"Let's head back to our compartment so we can get started on the fun," he said.
"Wait, before we go I wanted to apologize to you and Luna," Hermione said. "I don't even want to think about what those potions would have eventually led to," she said in a small voice.
Harry again shocked Hermione, this time by initiating a hug. "I'll always have your back, just like I know you will always have mine," he whispered into her bushy hair. After a moment of just hugging each other, Harry let go and stepped back.
"You're welcome, Hermione Granger," Luna said dreamily.
"Luna, why do you always use our last names as well?" Hermione asked.
For a brief instant, Luna looked down at her shoes and then schooled her features back into her usual dreamy mask. "My mother taught me that you should always use a person's last name unless you are friends with them," she replied. Before she could react, Hermione launched herself at the young blonde and wrapped her up in a "hermi-hug". Luna's other side was soon covered by a Potter version of the same hug. This caused Luna to start sniffling and softly crying.
When Luna's sniffles finally abated, Harry and Hermione stepped back. "Just so you know, Luna, I consider myself very British and will only hug those who I feel are true friends. And for Harry, I'm fairly confident that may have been only the second time he has ever initiated a hug. Consider yourself befriended," Hermione told her newest friend.
Smiling, Harry offered an arm to each girl who accepted happily. The three teenagers (Luna's birthday being a week after Hermione's) made their way back into their compartment where the red-headed traitors still sat stunned.
Luna looked into Hermione's face and saw the older witch was still fuming. "Earlier, I punched Ronald Weasley in the groin and felt much better both on a personal level as well the hope that it might prevent him from reproducing in the future. Perhaps doing the same might make you feel better, Hermoine Gr… Hermione," she offered, catching herself at the very end.
Hermione nodded and then slammed her fist into Ron's little beater's bat with a punch that made the one she gave Malfoy look like a love tap. She stood straight and smoothed out her skirt. "You're right Luna, that did make me feel better," she told her new friend. Luna gave her a wide smile. "All though it still leaves us having to see Ron and Ginny's faces until we reach London," Hermione complained.
"Not a problem, Hermione," Harry said with a smirk. He pulled out his wand and transfigured the two weasleys into matching throw pillows with tassels the same red as their hair. The only difference was one pillow had a picture of Ron's face while the other had Ginny's. To show Hermione that she wouldn't have to look at the faces, Harry grabbed the Ron pillow and promptly sat on it.
Luna clapped in joy. "Yay! I've always wanted to sit on Ginny's face!" she exclaimed. When the dirty blonde haired girl noticed the room had gone very quiet, she shrugged her shoulders and sat down on the Ginny pillow. "What? She's kinda hot in a psychotic, stalkerish fangirl sort of way. I'm not even wearing knickers," she told them.
Deciding it was best to pick her battles if she wanted to keep a hold of any of her sanity, Hermione focused her attention on Harry instead of Luna. "All right, mister, talk. When did you learn to cast silently? Speaking of that, when did you learn to do NEWT level transfiguration? What did Luna mean by saying that you died but then got better?" she rattled off like a machine gun.
[Never change,Hermione,] Harry thought. "In order of asked: that would be during my sixth year, what would have been my seventh year, and I died about 4 years from now, but my new employer sent me back," he answered. Hermione sat stone still, only her eyes blinking as she tried to process what he said.
Luna tugged on Harry's sleeve to get his attention. "This would probably be a good time to initiate your soulmate bond with Hermione. Once that's done, you can share your memories with her," she suggested. Luna laughed when she saw how terrified Harry looked. "Really, Harry? After everything you have faced, the thought of kissing the girl that means everything to you scares you silly?" she teased.
Luna's grin got even bigger when she heard Harry mutter, "One of the two."
"Kiss me? I'm the girl that means everything to you?" Hermione gasped.
"Yes, and yes, Hermione," Harry said with a nod. "Hermione, will you be my girlfriend, and may I kiss you?" he asked, his green eyes locked onto her brown ones.
Hermione couldn't believe what she was hearing. As a girl, she had matured emotionally faster than the boys she knew. At 12 years old, she had known what it meant to fall in love with someone. That someone was a messy haired boy who jumped on the back of a troll and shoved his wand up its nose to save her life. That same boy was now asking her to be his girlfriend. The only problem she was having was whether to answer with a yes or a more forceful, hell yes. In the end, she simply nodded her head, tears of joy leaking onto her cheeks.
"Um, was that a yes to the first question, or the second one?" Harry asked nervously.
Hermione closed the distance with Harry and grabbed the front of his robes. "Both," she replied before kissing her new boyfriend. Eventually they broke apart, both grinning with knowledge that they were meant to be together. "Now what was that about sharing your memories?" she asked.
Harry placed a hand on Hermione's cheek. He looked into her eyes and used the Legilimency that could only work with his soulmate. Harry was thoroughly unprepared for the feeling of love that filtered back along the connection as he shared his memories of his previous four years. When the connection broke Hermoine leaned her forehead against Harry's. "I'll always have your back, and you'll always have mine," she repeated from earlier.
The tender moment was broken when Luna yelled out, "My turn!" The tiny blonde spun Harry around, threw him onto the bench, and launched herself on top of him. Before he could say anything other than squawk in surprise, Luna had her lips pressed against his. Harry shot a panicked glance at Hermione. For her part, Hermione flew through Harry's memories of Luna. When she had assimilated all of them, she gave him a small smile while nodding her head. Not having to be told twice, Harry kissed Luna back with equal enthusiasm.
While Luna and Harry snogged, Hermione went about the task of assimilating the rest of the memories that Harry had shared with her. She went through each year, hating Ron and Ginny a little bit more with each memory. Hermione blushed when she got to the part when Death was explaining the benefits of having two soulmates. When she was done, she noticed a set of memories that seemed to be housed in a folder with the words "For Hermione Granger's Eyes Only" and stamped with the seal of Death, LLC.
Hermione almost threw up when she opened the folder and experienced Harry's life with the Dursleys from when he was dropped off like a jug of milk up until when he blew up "Aunt" Marge. She saw every beating, every hurtful word, and every time they starved a young boy who couldn't defend himself. [Those… those… utter bastards!] she mentally swore. Hermione quickly made a plan in order to protect the young man she loved.
Hermione tapped Harry and Luna on the shoulders to get their attention. "Sorry to interrupt you two, but I need to borrow Hedwig," she said. "Death left me extra memories - ones involving the Dursleys. There is absolutely no way I am letting you go back to those monsters! I'll just write to my parents and let them know you will be staying with us for the summer," Hermione told him in a tone that clearly said it was not up for discussion.
Luna gave Hermione her best puppy dog eyes, which were extremely effective considering how large and beautiful those eyes were. "Would you ask them if I could stay as well? Daddy is setting off on an expedition to find the legendary BBBB and I'd rather not be there if he finds it," she pleaded.
"What's the BBBB?" Hermione asked.
Luna's attention had drifted and she seemed to have to force herself to come back to the conversation. "The Buxom Blonde Bimbo of Borneo, of course," she finally replied.
"Right, two guests for the summer," Hermione said while nodding her head. She wouldn't want to be with her father if he was trying to track down a Buxom Blonde Bimbo from any country. Hermione dug out a quill and parchment from her trunk. She wrote a hasty note explaining that she wanted to have two friends over for the summer and why. Hedwig gladly took the note from her familiar's bushy haired mate. Harry opened the compartment window and then closed it once Hedwig was on her way to the Grangers. The girls then spent the next hour taking turns kissing their new boyfriend.
It was a happily dazed Harry who heard the snack trolley approaching their compartment. He gave an evil smirk as he came up with a plan to begin making Ron's life a living hell. "Would either of you two lovely ladies like something from the snack trolley? I plan on buying out their entire stock of cauldron cakes," he told his soulmates.
"Cauldron cakes? Why would you get those? You know they give you terrible gas, Harry," Hermione reminded him. In answer, Harry nodded and then pointed to the Ron pillow he was sitting on. Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed, "Boys."
"I'll take as many licorice wands as you get Harry," Luna requested.
It was only 20 minutes after Harry ate the first caldron cake that he let loose with a fart that was fairly muffled by the Ron pillow, but still loud enough for the others to hear. "Really, Harry! I'm surprised at you," Luna chided him. "This is how you do it," she said before letting loose with a much longer, louder fart.
"I'm going to open the window," Hermone announced.
"WAIT! We can't open the window for another 23 and half minutes!" Luna yelled. When she saw the confused looks on Harry and Hermione's faces she went on. "Trust me, it will be worth it. We can just have Harry cast the bubble head charm on all of us."
Hermione shook her head in resignation. "Fine, at least I know he can cast it from his memories," she said.
Harry did as he was asked and first cast the charm at Hermione and then Luna. He had just finished casting it on himself when he felt a sharp pain as if someone was poking his testicles with a needle. Harry glanced down and saw a rather irate orange cat with his paw on Harry's crotch, claws extended. "Sorry, Crooks, I'll take care of that right away," he assured the familiar before casting a fourth bubble head charm.
Harry and Luna spent the rest of the allotted time trying to one up the other in terms of both volume and length in regards to their flatulence. Things got so bad, the air in the compartment began to have a distinct haze to it. They were startled out of their competition when the door to their compartment was thrown open by Draco Malfoy and his two trained gorillas.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't Scarhead, and… and… ack!" Draco managed to get out before his eyes rolled back in his head. He fell out of the compartment, his hair curling, leaving him looking like a passed out albino Shirley Temple.
"Smelllllsss baaadddd!" Crabbe moaned as he drug his boss back down the train to their own compartment.
"Okay, now we can open the window," Luna told Harry and Hermione.
The compartment had finally cleared out by the time the Hogwarts Express rolled into King's Cross Station. With a weary sigh, Harry transfigured the pillows back to their human forms. He waited until the train had been stopped for a few minutes before reviving the Weasleys. "Hey you two, wake up! We've reached London," Harry yelled as he shepherded Hermione and Luna out of the compartment in front of him.
The trio stood behind a pillar as they watched the other students disembark. Draco's hair was still curled and he staggered as if he were drunk. Once Ron and Ginny finally got off, no one was willing to stand with ten feet of the siblings. Ginny pulled her long hair into her face and gave it a deep sniff. The next instant she was bent over the edge of the platform performing an impressive 3d burp.
Molly Weasley took a sniff of her son and recoiled. "Honestly Ronald, I thought we had got you over your little accidents last year!"
Harry, Hermione, and Luna grinned at each other, satisfied in a job well done.