Chapter 2

Tim sighed heavily and stared out at the water. He wondered if he could ever expect to get rid of this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Twenty minutes and it was already there.

"You know why this isn't working, don't you."

"Why is that?" Tim asked, knowing he sounded a little bitter.

"Because you're doing it for the wrong reason."

Tim refused to look away from the water. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you're not doing this for the right reasons, McGee. I don't care if you want to keep trying, but it's obvious you don't really want it and it's time you admit it. It's been a year."

Tim looked away from the water.

...and at Gibbs for the first time this visit. He was always struck by the fact that Gibbs looked exactly the same and yet, for some reason, looked dramatically different. He wasn't sure what it was. Something in his expression was definitely not the same, but at the same time, Tim couldn't have explained why he felt that way.

"I do!"

"No," Gibbs said. "You want everything to go away. You want to get rid of the struggle. You want to help Tony. It's not really something you want for yourself...or for me. And since you don't, I really don't think it'll work. I told you before. I don't deserve to be forgiven, you agree with me on that and you don't want to. So just accept it. Things don't have to change."

"No!" Tim said. "I'm not going to accept that. I..."

His phone started ringing and he looked at it, hoping it wasn't Delilah. He didn't want to lie to her, and he would have to in order to keep this a secret.

It wasn't. It was Tony. Almost as bad.

Instantly, Tim got up and walked away from Gibbs and his far-too-knowing eyes. He wasn't going to let Tony know what he was doing.

"Hey, Tony. What's up?" he asked, trying to sound normal.

He failed.

"Is something wrong, Tim?" Tony asked.

"No. Why?"

"You sound upset. ...or is it just me?"

Tim laughed a little. If only Tony knew.

"Just distracted. What is it?"

"I'm not sure I believe you, but that's okay. Banff."

"What about it?"

"I said that we need to go."

"We don't have to, Tony. It's only been a year. There's no reason to push to go on another road trip so soon."

"Not according to our sons... or did Tommy not talk to you?"

"Daniel talked to you?"

"Yeah. So Tommy did?"

"Yeah."

"And they're right, you know."

Tim looked back at Gibbs who just raised an eyebrow at him and gestured for him to leave. Tim swallowed, wanting to insist on working on it more but also wanting to escape from someone he still didn't want to see. Finally, he nodded and headed back to his car without another backward glance.

"Are they?"

"Come on, Tim. Everyone knows that...including you."

Tim got into his car, grimacing at what Tony was saying.

"I don't want to go on a road trip because you think you have to fix me again, Tony," Tim said, firmly. "I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. I'm not doing it again. Ever."

There was a long pause. Then...

"I don't want to fix you, Tim. I want to fix our friendship. I don't know what it will take, but we need to do something because... it's been nearly a year and you're still feeling bad about the last road trip even though you shouldn't, and it's affecting us. Both of us. I don't want that to happen. I've got a good thing going here and I'm not about to lose it just because you still feel guilty about something you really don't need to feel guilty for."

"I haven't been avoiding you."

"I know, but just me being around has dragged you down and that sucks."

"No, it hasn't."

"Come on, Tim. I'm not dumb and I'm observant. It has. You know it. I've noticed it every time you're around me. Heck, Daniel noticed the last time you guys came by. So I'm not taking no for an answer, but I'll give you a day or two to come to grips with it. Got it?"

Tim sighed.

"That's not an answer, Probie. Got it?"

"Tony..."

"I want to go to Banff and we're doing it this summer. The sooner you accept it and get excited, the better it will be for all of us. I'm calling back on Monday. So be prepared."

"I will be," Tim said, not really excited.

"Well, you'd better sound more excited than that, Tim. But I'll give you some time. Bye."

"Bye."

Tim hung up and leaned back against the seat for a few seconds. Then, he looked out the windshield toward where Gibbs was still sitting by the lake. Alone as always. He sighed again and started the car. He had to stop by Ducky's place so that he could tell Delilah that was where he'd been. If/when she found out what he'd been doing for the last year, he would be in major trouble.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tony hung up and sighed.

"Doesn't sound like it went well," Jo said.

"No. It's the same thing as before. He doesn't want to need help, and this time, it's not even about that," Tony said. "It's about the fact that I don't want to lose our friendship and I can see it happening if we don't do something about it."

Jo sat down beside him.

"This is really bothering you, isn't it."

"Yeah."

"Why? You told Daniel that you'd work it out, that you always did."

Tony nodded. "We do."

"But?"

"But Tim has never tried to get out of going on a road trip before. Even when he was falling apart, he complained and he was angry and everything, but he didn't really try to get out of the road trip itself. He just didn't want what came along with it. This time... it feels like he's trying to get out of it, and if it starts like that, I don't know where it'll stop."

Jo took hold of his hand and then forced him to look at her.

"You're scared. Aren't you."

Tony grimaced a little. He still didn't like admitting to stuff like that, but he'd promised to work on it.

"Yeah." Then, honesty forced him to add more. "I don't want to lose my family."

"Well, my suggestion, for what it's worth, is that you should do what you said. Give him a couple of days to think about it. Maybe he'll come around, but Tim is stubborn enough that he'll probably just dig in his heels and say no to be contrary if you start hounding him."

Tony laughed. "Yeah. He definitely would do that."

"So try to relax and don't worry until you need to."

"Who says I don't right now?"

Jo grinned. "Me. And besides, it's your turn to make dinner."

"You're not going to be my barefoot little wife in the kitchen?"

She laughed and shoved him over.

"You know better than that. Grace and Daniel should be back soon and I'm going to make sure Ivan and Sam aren't getting themselves into trouble."

"I'm sure they are. Why did you let them go out back by themselves?" Tony asked, slyly.

"Ha. You don't watch yourself and I'll go back to my job and make you stay at home with them...although the house would probably self-destruct."

"Hey, I always kept my place clean before we were married."

Jo laughed and left the room. Tony sat back and sighed a little. Jo was right. He needed to give Tim time to think about it, but he was also worried about what could happen if Tim got an idea in his head that their friendship had to be over for some ridiculous reason.

Still, Monday was only two days away. Their friendship wasn't going to fall apart in that amount of time.

And he did need to make dinner. Well, they were going to have to suffer through Italian tonight. He needed some comfort food.

With that thought, he got up and headed for the kitchen.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim pulled up at Ducky's place. He didn't know if Ducky had clued in that his visits were for more than one purpose, but he didn't care. After another frustrating attempt with Gibbs and then his conversation with Tony, Tim needed something to help him feel better before he went home. Ducky was good at that.

He walked up to the door and knocked. Maybe he should have called first, but Ducky hadn't ever expressed any irritation at his dropping in.

The door opened and Ducky smiled.

"Timothy, what brings you here this afternoon?"

"Hey, Ducky. Are you busy?"

"Not at all. Come in."

"Thanks."

"Would you like some tea? I was just about to brew some for myself and it's always better with company."

"Well..."

"I was just about to try a new variety. It's called passionflower and it came highly recommended."

"Sure, okay."

"Excellent. Come into the kitchen and have a seat. I won't do the full service unless you wish it."

Tim smiled. "No, Ducky. I don't need full service tea."

He followed Ducky to the kitchen and then watched as Ducky got out the tea and the pot and the cups. No, he didn't need all this, but he enjoyed that Ducky always seemed happy to see him.

Once Ducky had served them both and they were sipping on the tea, sitting across from each other, Ducky raised an eyebrow.

"Now, don't take this wrong, Timothy, but is there a reason you came by today? You don't seem to be in a very good mood."

"I'm sorry."

"So you're not?"

"No, I'm not," Tim said with a sigh and set down his cup.

"Why? What happened?"

"Tony called and..."

"Did you have a disagreement?"

"Kind of."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that I'm tired of him thinking I need fixing," Tim said, feeling the bitterness again.

"Whatever do you mean by that?" Ducky asked.

"He's pushing to go on a road trip this summer to Banff, you know like we had planned before I got sick last year, but we don't need to go on a road trip so soon. He says it's because I'm still bothered by our last road trip and we need to fix it by having an easy one, but it's not necessary!"

Ducky put down his cup and looked at Tim with a furrowed brow.

"Where is the part about Anthony thinking you need to be fixed?"

"Because it's about how I'm feeling," Tim said.

"Well, what's wrong with that?"

"It's what it always is... or at least since... Allison Jenkins was killed," Tim said, feeling the sick feeling in his stomach that always accompanied mentioning that case. All these years later and just the name could affect him far too much. He wished it would stop. Of course, talking to Gibbs hadn't helped with that either.

He looked down at the tea cup and took a breath.

"Timothy, I know that you feel that way, but I would invite you to see this from someone else's perspective."

"Whose? Yours?" Tim asked.

"No. Anthony's."

"What?"

"Has it never occurred to you that Anthony's determination to help you... and I do say help rather than fix which has a negative connotation for you, I can see. Have you never considered that Anthony's need to help you stems from his own fears for himself?"

Tim lifted his head. "Huh?"

Ducky was smiling even has he was stern.

"I can see that it hasn't. You have given Anthony a family. Don't you see that he worries about losing it?"

"He still has Jo and his kids. He has his own family now, a real one. That's more than enough."

"Do you truly think that he has enough family, Timothy? Do you really think that, after all these years of his life essentially bereft of family that Anthony will ever think he has enough? Don't you see that he will always fear losing his family in the same way you fear losing control of yourself?"

Tim looked down at his cup again and didn't answer.

"Timothy, I know you still have your struggles, but you need to try to understand Anthony's perspective. It is about you, but it's also about what you represent. You are Anthony's family. Yes, he has a wife and children, and by all I can see, he cherishes them, but he also has you. And if there's still some strain remaining, then, I can see him worrying about how far that strain will go."

"It's not that bad," Tim muttered.

"Apparently, from Anthony's perspective, it is."

Again, Tim kept staring at the tea cup. There was a moment of silence.

"Timothy, I feel as though you've been struggling more than usual of late. Every time you've come to visit me, you've seemed very down. Is there something else going on?"

Suddenly, Tim was extremely tempted to tell Ducky what he was trying to do, to have someone who knew, someone who he wasn't hiding it from, but at the same time, he didn't want to have someone telling him that his attempt was worthless or doomed to failure...or start questioning his desire... like Gibbs was.

"Timothy, what is it?"

"I'm a failure, Ducky," he said, although that hadn't been what he'd intended to say...but as soon as the words were out, he felt his throat tighten. "I just wish I wasn't."

"A failure? Why would you think that?"

"I can't do what I'm trying to do. It's not doing me any good and it's not doing anyone else any good. It's just... worthless. All this time trying, a full year, and it's not working. It sucks, and I'm a failure. Anyone else would be able to handle it and I can't."

"What are you trying to do?"

Perversely wanting to see Ducky's shock, Tim looked up from his cup and blurted it out all at once.

"I'm trying to make myself forgive Gibbs for what he did so that it won't be so hard for Tony because I won't be freaking out so much. I won't have to be afraid of seeing him. I won't have to deal with meltdown after meltdown. It would be better for everyone if I could just get over all this, stop having PTSD, stop being overwhelmed by something years in the past," he said all in a rush. Then, he looked down again. "But I can't do it."

Tim heard a soft clink and then, he heard Ducky stand up and pull his chair around the table. Tim closed his eyes and tried to suppress the urge to cry at how much he was not succeeding. Ducky sat down beside him and put an arm around Tim's shoulders.

"Timothy, what brought this on?" Ducky asked gently.

"The road trip that I ruined last year. If I'd forgiven Gibbs, then, I wouldn't have had the meltdown that ruined everything. I'm so tired of this controlling my life, Ducky. I'm tired of it being so hard on everyone around me. I just want it to stop."

"What have you been doing?"

"I've been talking to Gibbs."

"You've been... talking to him? How often?"

"Once a month or so."

"What do you talk about?"

Tim forced himself to laugh. "Stuff. But I haven't been able to get through it without a flashback or just losing my temper at him. Today, he told me it wouldn't work because I don't really want to do it. He's right. I'm too selfish to let it go. So it's just a big failure, and I can't see any way out of it."

The tightness in his throat was increasing and Tim tried to stop it. He could feel his lower lip quivering and he really hated that.

"Who knows about this attempt of yours?"

"Me. And Gibbs. ...and now, you."

"That's it?"

"Yeah."

"What does your doctor say about it?"

"He doesn't know, either."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to tell everyone and have them see me fail. I don't want to tell Delilah and have her get upset because she hates Gibbs more than I do. And I don't want Tony to know unless I actually do it... because I don't want him to hope and then tear it away from him when I fail."

Tim sighed and stared at his hands.

"I just thought that... after a year of really trying, I might be better than I was. I'm really trying, Ducky! I am."

"I don't doubt it."

"And I'm not better. Not at all. And it just sucks is all."

Uncharacteristically, Ducky didn't say anything. He just sat there. So Tim kept talking.

"I want to be normal again, Ducky," Tim said and almost started crying. He managed to stop himself, but it was a very near thing. "I want to be like I was, but I can't."

"Timothy, you're not a failure simply because you're struggling with something very difficult. On the contrary, it's admirable that you're trying...but I'm not sure you're going about it in the right way. ...but I'm not sure what the right way would be, either. However, there's nothing that you've told me that indicates failure...only discouragement. And I really think that, if you could set that aside, you'd feel better and you might even find yourself more hopeful."

Tim couldn't answer unless he wanted to cry. And he didn't. So he said nothing.

"And perhaps, a road trip is just what's called for. Something you can do with your friend and brother and let yourself relax. Causing yourself extra stress isn't a help, not for anyone."

Tim managed a shaky laugh.

"They're never just road trips," he said.

"I've heard that before, and it doesn't seem like a negative to me. It doesn't have to be unless you make it that way. Timothy, you know that Anthony doesn't begrudge you the time and the assistance, even with what he said to you last year."

"How did you know about that?" Tim asked, looking at him.

"Anthony called me and asked for my help in figuring out what to do because he knew just how much he had hurt you."

"Oh." Eyes back down.

"What I'm trying to say, Timothy, is that you should go on the road trip with Anthony and you should allow yourself to have an enjoyable time."

"Maybe."

"No maybes about it. I can tell you that Jethro has no intentions of going to Canada." Then, Ducky smiled mischievously. "And if he did, I would not be above tackling him to stop him while you're there."

Tim did laugh that time.

"Now, finish your tea. It's supposed to ease anxiety, and clearly you need it."

Tim picked up his cup again and sipped at it while Ducky moved himself back around the table. He chanced looking up. Ducky smiled at him.

"And that's even better. Instead of hiding your face in shame, Timothy, look around at the world and realize that it does not condemn you."

Tim smiled a little.

"Well, anything else I can do for you?" Ducky asked.

"No. ...can I do anything for you?" Tim asked. "I feel like I only ask you do to things for me."

"You can be happy and content. Without shame. That would be a wonderful gift."

"I'll try."

"Good. Then, I know you'll succeed."

Ducky held up his tea cup, and they toasted each other.

And somehow, the prospect of the road trip no longer seemed as problematic as it had only a few minutes before.