So hey again! I literally got three reviews and I know it might be nothing to many but to me it's everything I needed to keep going. So that's chapter 2 everyone!

Trigger warnings: mentions of abuse.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything the characters belong to Dick Wolf but that particular plot is all mine.

And if my heart had a choice,

I'd tell you the stories

I'd always avoid,

I'd be honest to you, honest to God,

If my heart had a voice.

~honest, Mila Koa

The bell rang once again for the day and that was a cue for the students to head out to lunch. The group had trigonometry that period, a class that they all shared, so they went down the cafeteria together.

While walking down the corridor they could hear some of the other teens whispering rumors again about the southern girl. What could it be that triggered them this time? The black skinny jeans she was wearing? Or was it the tight red T-shirt that flattered her upper body in such a lovely way? Or maybe someone spread a rumor again, a rumor that found her, in a bed, with someone from the soccer team.

"Oh my God, do they not have anything better to do?" A frustrated Rafael said, while pushing the cafeteria door open. He may seem a little stiff and always so put together, with his casual jeans, a shirt always well pressed and his jean jacket fitting him so nicely, but when it came to the people that he cared about he could easily forget his manors.

"Raf, it's okay." Amanda replied while straightening the hood of her oversized jacket. She chose to ignore those whispers a long time ago. She new who she was and the people for whom she cared about did too and that's all that mattered.

"No, Amanda it's not!" It was Olivia who lost it, and it took everyone by surprise. "Sorry, I didn't mean to burst out on you like that it's just..." she paused and took a deep breath, "I don't like people talking about my friends like that." She finally said and headed towards their regular table in the back of the cafeteria.

"Look, Olivia, they wanna gossip, let them gossip. I made the mistake to sleep with a total dipstick. I made my own bed and now I gotta sleep on it." said the blonde whilst leaving her tray on the table and removing her jacket. Every member of the group stared at her like she was a foreign being that was sitting among them.

"Hey, hey! Baby girl this ain't your fault." Her Africa American friend interjected. "You dumbed his ugly ass because he couldn't keep you satisfied and he wanted revenge, so he started spreading stupid rumors all over the place. He did this. Not you. Have I made myself clear?" He looked at her straight in the eyes waiting for an answer. The smile that crept up on Amanda's face was the only thing he needed to see.

Amanda was ready to express her 'thank yous' to Fin when a voice from behind interrupted her. "'Manda?" It was her sister, Kim. When Amanda turned around to look at her, Kim's eyes were already teary and she could barely hold herself from falling apart.

"Guys excuse me for a sec." She said to the rest of the group, when they nodded she gently took Kim by the arm and led her outside in the school's yard. They stopped in a solitary corner and after Amanda made sure that nobody would be able to hear them she turned to face her sister once again. "Kimmy, what's goin' on, are you hurt?" She asked scanning her body for any visible injuries.

"No, no I am not hurt. You are, because of me! God, I am so sorry 'Manda!" and in those words she burst into tears in her sisters lap, not hugging her afraid to cause any more pain to her beloved sister than she was already in. "I know you don't wanna talk 'bout it during school but I was worried." She said between hard sobs, "I did as you told me, stayed in my room locked the door and came out only when it was time for school. When I didn't see you in the house this morning I got so scared." Hearing those words Amanda enveloped her little sister into a tight hug, trying to provide her with as much comfort as she could.

She waited a couple of minutes for the sobs to turn into sniffles and then took Kim's face between her trembling, from emotion, hands. "Kim, I am gonna say something and I want you to listen very carefully, okay?" When her sister nodded she proceeded, "You are the last to blame for what happened last night, or any other night, you hear me? The last." When she saw the objection ready to come out of the small girl in her lap she placed a finger on her mouth. "Kim, no. You can't beat yourself up like that. You need to focus on getting better, okay?" Little Kimmy nodded and placed her head on her sister's chest. Feeling tears welling up in her own eyes she shook her head in hopes of them vanishing. "Did you take your meds today, honey?" When she felt her sister nodding a sigh of relief left her lips.

'Everything is gonna be just fine." She thought to herself.

"Okay now, go back to your friends. If you need anything you now where to find me. I'll see you later." She kissed her forehead and released her from her embrace. The fifteen year old girl wiped her eyes, gave her big sister the greatest of smiles and headed back inside.

Amanda stood there for a second thinking in her head a good enough lie to say to her friends when she would go back to the table. When she managed to compose herself she went back inside the cafeteria and sat next to Rafael, as she always did.

"Sorry for that. Doc gave her some new meds for bipolar and she is still trying to adjust." She said while grabbing a fry from her plate and putting it in her mouth.

"No need to explain, Amanda, we get it." Olivia said giving her blonde friend a reassuring smile, so wide and so genuine that truly made Amanda wonder 'how in hell does this girl do that?' "Now something incredibly irrelevant, what the fuck are we gonna do with that damn history project?" Rafael furrowed his brows, Amanda raised on of hers and Fin had an unreadable expression on his face. "The one were we have to choose a major event that happened in whichever country we want and present it in the class? It's a groups project and I ain't doing it alone!" When the reactions she got were 'Oh', 'Ah' and a shrug respectively she sighed in annoyance. "God you people are going to be the death of me."

Before anyone could answer to her, the bell rang.

"That's due in a month and a half from now we'll have figured out by then." Rafael said in a hopeful tone and everyone got up to get to class. Three were up and moving already except for Amanda who seemed to be disconnected from the world at that moment.

Last night

Dean Rollins was drunk. You could smell the scotch on his breath from miles away. When Amanda left her room to go and see what was all the yelling for, she saw her dad angry out of his mind, ready to slap her little sister.

"You son of a bitch don't you dare lay a hand on her!" She pushed her little sister away and took her place in front of him, letting the slap land on her face. The pain was excruciating but she kept the tears at bay for the sake of her sister. "Kim go to your room close the door and don't come out until it's bright enough outside you hear me?" The teenage girl did as was told and scared to death, with eyes full of tears, disappeared into the darkness of the hall.

"Well Mandy, you know the consequences of your actions. How many?" He asked in a cold, apathetic tone.

"Five." She whispered. She slowly took off her shirt as he was removing his belt. She turned her back at him covered her breasts with her hands went down on her knees, curled up into a small, defenseless ball and waited.

A hand on her back made her flinch from terror and hiss slightly from the pain. She turned around to see Rafael looking at her with a questioning gaze.

"You coming? We have English literature this period."He said softly making Amanda feel safe again. She nodded picked up her tray and jacket and headed towards the exit.

"Okay class, remember last week we were studying modern poetry and I ask you to write something down, let your imagination go wild and hand them to me?" The teacher asked and when the students nodded she continued with her small speech, "Well, I graded them and while most of you barely got a 'B' I have in my hands some pretty impressive work. If you don't mind I would like to read some of it to you, without giving away the name of the student and maybe we could discuss it what do you say?" She got answers like 'sure' and 'why not' and she started reading.

"I stare at my reflection in the mirror and I see how you changed my body. It used to be a white canvas so pure and perfect like porcelain and now it's filled with hues of yellow, blue and purple, colors that your anger planted on it. I let the floodgates open in hopes that the dirt of my soul will wash away, in hopes that the dirt on my body will wash away but they don't. I see the patterns of your whip on my body and I wonder 'Is it ever gonna stop?' What a foolish question. Of course it won't. The more I stare the less I see. And suddenly that girl in the mirror is one I don't recognize anymore, she doesn't smile, her gaze is empty and her soul is lost. Still my face but the rest of me has disappeared. So I get in the tub, I let the water take over and as I lay there I silently pray again to God 'please let this be the last time I close my eyes, please let that sleep be eternal. Please."

Everyone was staring at the teacher wide-eyed processing what they had just heard. The only sound detectable was the breathing of the students. Awe. That's what they were feeling. Amanda's eyes met her teacher's Mrs. Rain. That was her poem, that was her secret and that was her demon and it was just unleashed.

"So guys what did you think?" A few hands were shyly raised. "Mr. Barba, that's a surprise, tell us!" The teacher, more excited than usual, gave permission to Rafael to speak.

Amanda who was sitting next to him met his gaze and they stayed like that for a few seconds staring at each other. "I think that, for starters, it was an incredible poem indeed, a lot of metaphors, graphic descriptions and full of emotion. I am just worried for the person who wrote it because nobody should suffer from such pain. Nobody deserves that." With that he concluded and sat back down his gaze on Amanda once again.

"I second that Rafael, thank you for sharing your opinion with the class." The teacher got up from her seat and started handing the papers back to the students.

When Amanda's turn came and she got her poem back in the upper left corner of the paper there was the grade, an 'A', and down in the right corner a note from her teacher that read 'meet me after class'. She quickly folded it and placed it between the cover and the first page of the notebook on her desk, praying that nobody noticed anything.

When English came to an end, she stood in front of the teacher's desk and she immediately started talking without giving time to all the other students to leave to leave or the teacher to say anything.

"I know why you wanna see me and you don't have to worry. My poem is pure fiction. You said to let our imagination run wild, so I did." She said in one breath with her voice low

"I am not gonna pressure you because I know you won't tell me, but that's not the only reason I wanted to talk to you." Amanda furrowed her eyebrows questionably. "You are talented Amanda. One of the greatest poets I have seen in the past ten years. So what I wanted to say is that there is a modern poetry competition hosted here in Manhattan in a couple of months and I want you to participate." She said, her head tilted and a small smile in her face. Just when Amanda was ready to object the teacher added. "There is a money award for the first three places."

"I don't know, just give me some time to think about it and I will tell you in a week okay?" The teacher nodded and after that dismissed her.

The day passed by and now she was in her room studying. After her encounter with the teacher she couldn't concentrate enough to pay attention in the rest of the classes so she ditched the last two periods hoping that no one would notice. The group was giving her weird looks and asking her if she was okay and the answer was always the same: "Great".

She couldn't tell them, could she? Liv has her own problems and her own abuse to deal with and Fin was too busy putting together his own family. Those two weren't the problem though because they seemed pretty clueless about what had taken place earlier that day, during class. The true problem's name was Rafael Barba.

Her thoughts were interrupted by her phone. Someone was calling her and as she picked it up to see who it was she so a picture of her and Raf on the screen. 'Speak of the devil'

"Hey, what's up?" She answered the phone casually.

"Do you have time?" He asked not losing any time in small talk.

"Yeah sure why?"

"Okay, come to my place, rooftop, I have the goods." He hang up not giving her the chance to decline his offer.

It was 7pm when Rafael called her. One hour later she was there at that rooftop with one of her best friends drinking bear and smoking her third cigarette. They didn't talk. They were just sitting there on a blanket so their clothes wouldn't get dirty and they were silent. Just staring at the beauty the sky had to offer.

"Talk to me Amanda." Rafael broke the silence, his voice pleading. Raf never begs, that was something Amanda knew for a fact.

She took a long swig of the bear bottle next to her, one long drag from her cigarette and waited a little to think of what answer to give. "What do you want me to say?" She wasn't looking at him. If she did he would see it too. The brokenness, the emptiness, everything.

"I know the poem was yours." He stated.

"Well you are a smart guy, I always knew that." Chuckling she put out her now finished cigarette and drank a little more of the bitter liquor in her hands.

"Okay you don't want to say anything I get it." She scoffed, 'like hell you do'. He placed his hands under her chin and made her look at him. "Show me." Those blue eyes seeing right through her were enough for her to let down her guard.

She turned her back at him and slowly lifted up her shirt. Purple, horizontal and vertical lines were scattered across her back. She let the tears flow. She had never before let anyone see the vulnerable side of her, the one she was ashamed of. When she heard Rafael gasp she immediately pulled down her shirt brought her knees up to her chest and stayed there for a little while.

"Amanda turn around." When she didn't he gently placed his hand on her arm. "Amanda please." She whipped her eyes with the back of her hand and turned to face him. "How long?" He asked, tears leaving his eyes and running down his cheeks.

"A little bit more than a year." His eyes widened. "Relax, Raf, that doesn't hurt this much. Wait till you see my ribs." She joked, she tried at least because not even she herself could laugh.

"Your ribs? So there is more art to see other than the chessboard on your back! Amanda who is doing this to you?" He was devastated. His friend had been suffering for over a year now and she didn't say anything.

Everyone always thought that Amanda was the one with the better family in the group. Both a mom and a dad a lovely house and so on and so on. When suddenly she changed and started acting differently, everyone thought that she was just trying to find herself but apparently that wasn't the case.

"Dad likes his drink a little too much. He also likes horses more than me so, you know." She shrugged like the were having an everyday conversation about the weather. "Don't say anything to Liv and Fin. They don't have a clue and I want it to stay that way. They already have a lot of problems I don't need them to worry about my welfare too." She took another cigarette out of the packet of Marlboro's she had next to her, put it between her lips and light it up with the lighter. "And you should forget it. If you wanna become a district attorney one day you need to to study and for that you need a clear head."

"Forget it? Forget it! No, I won't forget it because you are my friend and I care about you." A bitter laugh escaped his mouth during that last sentence. "Please stay with me tonight, I will sneak you in and nobody has to know."

"No Raf, I gotta go home. If I don't he will beat my Mama or worse Kimmy. I can take the broken ribs, I can handle the belt, I can stay long enough with out breathing. They can't." He took her gently in his arms so to not hurt her even more. She let her cigarette be taken away by the air and made herself comfortable in his embrace.

"He could kill you, Amanda." He said the tears in his eyes now obvious in his voice.

"That's impossible Raf."

"And how do you know that?"

"Because I am already dead."

I know, I know it got a little dark there. So just so you know this story will focus as much on Amanda as on the others I just decided to start with her because it came easier to me. Hope you enjoyed it. Leave reviews so I know what your thoughts are. Or you can always PM me, see you in the next chapter!