The day after his date from hell, Buck could barely gather up enough energy to drag himself out of bed. The world just felt so heavy, so pointless. It was like a weighted blanket was drooped over his shoulders, but instead of grounding him, it just made everything feel like too much. Kinda like how he was too much.
"Maybe you're the problem."
Maybe he was. The others didn't deserve to carry the weight of his burdens. He really should stop dumping all his issues on his teammates, and start acting like a grown up, and deal with them himself.
Buck heaved a sigh, before slowly pushing himself up out of bed. The small act exhausted him, and he spent a few moments blankly staring at his wall, attempting to summon enough energy to get cleaned up and dressed. Each step of his morning routine felt like he was doing them while submerged in molasses. Eventually, he was ready, and out the door. However, he was unprepared to face his team.
How could they stand him? All he did was create problems. He doesn't listen to orders, he does dangerous stunts, acts before he thinks. He's reckless and exhausting, always with a retort on the tip of his tongue.
But today was a new day. Maybe it's not too late to change who he is. He'll just keep quiet, do as he's told. Starting today, he won't be a problem.
"Hey Buck," Hen called, as the team made their way to the parking lot after their shift, "you joining us for drinks? First round is on Chim today."
"Ah… no, I've actually got something I've got to do. Maybe next time?" Buck replied, hoping she wouldn't notice the nervous undertone he'd taken, or the slight stutter he had as he'd been caught off guard by her invitation.
"Your loss," Chim cut in, "at least that's one less beverage I gotta pay for."
Buck tried not to flinch at Chim's grouse, but the words still stung, no matter how innocent the joke.
Buck attempted to laugh it off, but it came out slightly strangled, and much too forced. He ducked his head and made a beeline to his truck, ignoring the concerned looks that followed after him.
He drove home on autopilot, falling into bed at the first possible second. He longed to put his phone on 'do not disturb', but knew that he had to be able to be contacted by the team, in case of emergency. He heaved a weary sigh, plugged in his phone, and promptly fell into a fitful sleep.
He dreamt of grocery stores full of people with Taylor Kelly's face, which slowly morphed into Eddie's. Scathing remarks going up in volume until he was being screamed at over how worthless everyone thought he was. How they never should have taken him back after everything he'd pulled. How he was exhausting and problematic.
He woke with a slight jolt, sweat beginning to seep through his shirt. He took a steadying breath, before rolling over to the cooler half of his mattress, and tried his best to go back to sleep. When it was clear that wasn't going to happen anytime soon, he reached into his nightstand drawer, and took out a melatonin tablet. He allowed it to dissolve under his tongue, focusing on the gritty feeling and minty flavour that was left in his mouth. He stripped off his slightly damp T-shirt, opting to go the rest of the night without a top.
It wasn't long before he fell back asleep, this time his sleep was quiet and empty, devoid of any dreams.
"Hey Eddie?" Buck hesitantly approached.
"What's up?" Eddie asked, reaching out for a fistbump that Buck halfheartedly returned.
"I don't think I'll be able to watch Chris this week. Something's come up."
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it. I'm uh, I'm sorry to do this to you."
"No worries, Buck. If you can't, you can't. Shit comes up, and you gotta deal with it. Don't feel bad. Chris will get time with 'His Buck' some other day." Eddie assured him, before lightly clapping him on the shoulder and heading towards his truck.
Buck stared after him for a second, before walking to his jeep, guilt squeezing his heart after he'd blatantly lied to his best friend. Right to his face. He quickly shook off the guilt, knowing that his presence in the innocent child's life would do nothing but corrupt the young Diaz boy. He wouldn't want to let his bad influence leave a stain on the boy.
"Hey Buck?" Hen asked, during some much needed down time during a 48 hour shift the team was partially through.
"Yeah?" He replied, looking up from the book he was reading.
"Is everything okay? You seem a bit… I don't know, less talkative lately?" She gently probed, trying not to upset him; and attempting not to use the 'q' word, less the universe hear it out of context.
"Everything is a-okay Henrietta." He responded with a wide grin, eyes not leaving the page he was staring at.
Hen scoffed and sent him a playful glare at the use of her full name, but he didn't see it.
Bobby and Eddie pretended that they weren't listening in from their spots at the table, and Chim never let up from texting with Maddie. But each felt that subtle offness that permeated the room. They couldn't really put a finger on what exactly was wrong, but within the past couple weeks, something was definitely amiss.
"Are you sure Buckaroo?" Chim inquired, stretching out the word 'sure' almost teasingly. He knew that serious conversations put the other man off, so he hoped that a slight joking spin would put him at ease.
"Yup." Buck paused. "Is everything okay with you guys?"
"Things are great with Maddie and the baby." Chim said, unable to keep the slight giddiness he always got when thinking or talking about his family out of his voice.
"We're still coping with the whole Nia situation, but we're doing well." Hen said.
The room lapsed back into a hushed quietness, the atmosphere occasionally broken by the occasional alert from a phone, or the flipping of a page.
Bobby couldn't help but feel like he was sitting in a library, instead of a firehouse; and that's when it hit him. Buck hadn't been conversing with the others. Lately, he's been drifting off by himself, or immersing himself in a book. Buck used to fill the room with lighthearted conversation, random facts, and jovial laughter. But now, it was like the brightness had been sucked out of the room. This was unusual behavior for the typically exuberant man. Very unusual indeed.