mild trigger warning

Chapter Two: They Didn't Need Another Remus

James and Peter had finally managed to get Sirius back to their dorm, but he couldn't sleep. He had cried more than he thought was even possible, and still the tears kept coming. He swiped angrily at them with his sleeve. He had crawled into Remus's bed and pulled the curtains closed. His tears soaked the sheets, and he buried his face in Remus's pillow, clinging to the faint scent of his boyfriend.

His heart ached. He had never imagined that it was possible to feel this much pain. "Remus," he whimpered, curling in on himself further.

He couldn't take it any longer. He got up, his fingers trailing along the edge of Remus's blanket. He remembered climbing into Remus's bed at night, comforting him, calming him, and he wished more than anything that Remus was here to do that for him.

He locked himself in the bathroom, sinking to the floor against the wall and just crying. He sat there, sobs racking his body, for who knows how long. He let out a frustrated groan and climbed to his feet, the tears still running down his face.

He punched the wall, hard, over and over again, sobbing and screaming and begging Remus to come back, to forgive him. The guilt was eating him alive. It was his fault Remus was dead. He had never hated himself so much in his life. His knuckles were bruised and bleeding, but he just welcomed the pain.

James was knocking on the door, begging Sirius to stop. Sirius didn't listen. He yelled and punched and tore at his hair, honestly just wishing that he could die, because anything would be less painful than this. James pushed open the door and grabbed Sirius's wrists.

Sirius struggled and begged and cried, thrashing around and trying to get away. James held him firmly, and sank to the floor, pulling Sirius with him. James had tears in his eyes. He couldn't bear watching Sirius break down like this.

"I'm sorry, Remy," sobbed Sirius. "I'm so sorry."

"Shh, it's ok," murmured James.

It seemed like an eternity that Sirius sat there, sobbing brokenly against James. James had released his wrists once he calmed down, and they just held each other, crying.

They fell asleep there, on the bathroom floor. Peter found them an hour later, both fast asleep. He didn't have the heart to wake them, so he joined them, leaning up against James.

Sirius woke up crying. He had dreamed about Remus, and it was so painful. He could almost feel Remus's lips ghosting over his, almost feel Remus's hand in his, almost hear Remus's laugh in his ear. But it was fading, and Remus was gone, and he wasn't coming back, and Sirius just wanted to die.

His hand ached badly, and he could barely move it. His knuckles were swollen and purple and covered in dried blood. He didn't care. In fact, he rather enjoyed it, as fucked up as it was. And then he realized that it was the same feeling Remus got from cutting. Only, Remus was much more dependent on it. But he understood, and he was terrified, and he wished he could give Remus a hug because he deserved the fucking world, and Sirius just wanted to give it to him.

He sniffed, wiping his eyes, feeling James stirring next to him. James and Peter both woke up, stretching and yawning. Sirius watched as reality hit them. He saw it in their eyes as they remembered. He saw the pain, the anguish, and wished he could take it all away from them.

James gave him a big hug. There was no need for words. They all understood. And none of them wanted to.

James's fingers brushed over Sirius's hand questioningly. Sirius hissed, sucking in a breath. "Let's go to the hospital wing," James said, his voice still hoarse with sleep.

"It's fine."

"Bullshit. We're going."

Neither James nor Peter would listen to his protests, and they made their way slowly to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey greeted them somberly, her eyes red and swollen. Sirius doubted she had slept at all.

James motioned to Sirius's hand, and she took a look. "What did you do?" she asked quietly.

Sirius shrugged. "Punched a wall."

She sighed. "There are better things to do."

"I know."

She bandaged his hand. "Do you want a pain potion?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

James sighed. Sirius was extremely difficult sometimes. He would shut people out, refuse help, bottle things up. They were all hurting so badly. James silently begged Sirius to open up to someone, anyone. He had to, before it got bad. They didn't need another Remus.

When they got back to the dorm, Sirius rummaged through Remus's trunk. His fingers brushed over a small box, and he pulled it out. Inside were several blades, all shiny and sharp. Sirius bit his lip and slipped them into his pocket, making sure no one saw. He found one of Remus's old, oversized hoodies and put it on, pulling the hood over his head and the sleeves over his hands.

He breathed in Remus's scent, a slight peacefulness washing over him. It wasn't for long, though. Soon, the thoughts and guilt and overwhelming emotions crashed over him like a breaking wave. He slumped against the foot of Remus's bed, sobbing brokenly.

"I miss you, Remy," he whimpered. "I miss you so much. I'm so fucking sorry. I love you."

He hugged himself tightly, closing his eyes, though the tears continued to squeeze their way out. Remus wasn't there to comfort him. He imagined Remus kneeling down beside him, pulling him into a hug. He imagined little kisses and whispers that everything would be ok. Just like he always did for Remus.

But Remus was gone, and he was never coming back. And nothing had ever been this painful. Sirius didn't know if he could do it. He just wanted to die. He sat there, sobbing, begging whatever deity existed to just let him die.

A/N:

damn i'm sorry

my grandparents are here and i'm being forced to hang out and my grandma is like super touchy-huggy and it sucks

take care, i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn